Chapter Text
Prologue.
The first time Izuku dies is when he turns four.
It happened fast, one second Izuku had been showing Kaachan his super cool quirk and how fast he could climb their tree and the next second, he was falling.
Which should’ve been fine! Izuku’s good at falling- well, he’s good at landing and he would’ve landed perfectly if it wasn’t for the rock.
He hears Kaachan screaming as his vision blanks and it hurts. It hurts so much . His entire body feels like it’s burning . He feels Kaachan at his side, tastes blood and tears in his mouth, hears Kaachan wailing.
Kaachan never cries except for when he’s really really scared and Kaachan has only ever gotten scared two times! Izuku wants to tell him not to cry, wants to tell him not to be scared because Izuku will be fine (even though it hurts so so much) but Izuku can't move.
He could only listen in place as Kaachan called for Izuku’s mama, ‘Auntie! Auntie! I-Izuku won’t wake up! He’s hurt. He fell-’
Suddenly his mama is by their side, panicking, “Oh, god. Oh, god!”
Izuku wants to cry out. It hurts, Mama, hurts so much. He wants to crawl into his mama’s arms, have her run her fingers through his hair and tell him it’s ok but he can’t move. He can’t scream, he can’t cry. He’s stuck, it’s so dark, it’s so scary.
Kaachan cries louder in his stead, “Auntie, he’s not breathing. That’s bad, right? That can’t be right, he has to be breathing. Izuku can’t be dead. Right, Auntie?”
That can’t be right, Izuku is breathing, he has to be breathing! If he isn’t breathing he really would be dead! But, Izuku realises quickly that Kaachan is right. Izuku isn’t breathing. He tries to take in a breath but he can’t, nothing is working, Izuku isn’t breathing.
“Katsuki, calm down,” his mama’s voice steadies their panic. He needs his mama to tell Kaachan that it’s ok, Izuku is ok! But his mama doesn’t say anything like that. Instead, he feels her fingers gently stroking his face as she sobs, “Izuku… please be okay, please be okay.”
Suddenly, Izuku can breathe again.
He can open his eyes, escape the scary darkness that had trapped him and look into the teary green eyes of his mama.
“Mama,” Izuku hears himself saying, he still couldn’t move properly, “Mama don’t… cry… ‘M okay.”
Izuku watches as the expression on his mama’s face twists between relief and fear. Izuku is sure that it’s because she was scared she had almost lost him.
“Izuku!” Kaachan is by his side again, tears drowning his face, “I thought you died !”
“Wait, Katsuki,” his mama holds her arm out in front of Kaachan, wiping tears away with her other hand, “we have to be careful, we don’t want to hurt him even more.”
Izuku is carefully moved to a bed, his mama checking over all his injuries, slowly tending to them herself.
“He needs to go to the hospital!” Kaachan shouts, wincing with Izuku every time he whines in pain.
“No,” Izuku’s mama was quick, “he can’t- not yet. Izuku will heal by himself.”
Izuku understands his mama, he will regenerate like he always does whenever he’s hurt! He doesn’t need to go to the hospital, he’s a brave boy with a cool quirk who can take care of this himself.
“He’s hurt really badly!”
But just like Kaachan said, it really hurts. He’s so sure he’s broken so many bones because he can feel everything everywhere but can’t move anything. It’s his head that hurts the worst, burning and pounding. Izuku almost feels dizzy but he keeps himself grounded because he doesn’t want to close his eyes and meet the dark again.
“Katsuki.” Izuku’s mama’s voice is harsh at first but she softens immediately upon realisation. She pulls Kaachan into her arms whilst squeezing Izuku’s hand.
“Auntie?”
Izuku knows that hospitals are dangerous for him. That’s what his mama said to him. That’s why she’s upset. He wants to tell Kaachan it’s okay but he knows his voice will betray him so he stays silent, listening, watching.
“Listen to me, Katsuki. Izuku,” His mama turns to look at him, “we can not tell anyone what happened today. Okay? I need you to keep this a secret. Can you do that?”
“But-”
“No, this is not a but, Katsuki. I’m serious. We can not tell anyone,” his mama is crying again, “we have to keep it a secret, for Izuku.”
“Don’t cry, mama,” Izuku is crying too now, “I won’t tell anyone, I promise, don’t cry.”
Kaachan is quiet as he pushes out from Izuku’s mama’s hold, his attention falling upon Izuku, “I thought you died.”
“I’m okay, Kaachan.” Izuku forces a smile, almost believable if it wasn’t for streaming tears. He just didn’t want to worry him anymore.
Kaachan scowls at him, “You’re not allowed to do that again, Izuku. I’ll kill you myself if you scare me like that again.”
“That’s terrifying, Kaachan!”
“I won’t tell anyone, auntie,” Kaachan whispers, looking away from the both of them. He’s pulled into another hug as Izuku’s mama whispers thank you’s and sorry’s into his hair.
Everything still hurts but Izuku tries to stay strong. He doesn’t want to make his mama cry again, he’s a big boy now, he can handle this. He’ll be brave for his mama, he’ll keep it a secret for her.
˗ ˏ ˋ ♡ ˎˊ ˗
The second time Izuku dies is at eleven.
But this time, he’s alone.
And it hurts. It hurts. It hurts so much. It hurts even more than the first time, it hurts more than anything Izuku has experienced, it hurts so much more because this time, there’s no one here to take care of him.
“Izuku, listen to me,” he remembers his mother telling him after rushing them into the closet right at the back of their apartment, “when you wake up, you need to run, just like I taught you.”
“What about you?” Izuku’s question had broken his mother into a sob.
“My baby,” She had pulled Izuku into her arms, and he melted immediately. He couldn’t remember the last time his mother had relaxed enough to give him any sort of physical affection. “I’m so sorry, you will have to go without me. You need to run. You can’t let anyone catch you.”
Izuku startled in her arms, ready to protest but he was shushed, “I know. I know. I’m so sorry, mama will not be here when you wake up.”
Izuku muffled his sobbing with his hands, scared he'd announce their location to the man stalking through their house. But he already knew that it didn’t matter. That’s why the strong facade his mother had built over the past seven years was finally crumbling down. Her words could only mean one thing.
“My baby boy,” his mother had softly held his face with her hands, looking over each and every feature on his face with a gaze that Izuku hadn’t seen in forever, “mama loves you, so much. My brave boy. My sweet, sweet boy. Can you be brave for me one more time?”
No . Izuku had wanted to scream at her. He didn’t want to be a brave boy anymore. He wanted to be a little boy who would curl into his mama’s arms whenever he was scared and have her hold him until everything was okay again. I’m scared. He wanted to cry to her but he could feel her shaking as she held him, could hear footsteps growing louder and louder. He knew then that that little boy would always remain stranded in his heart.
He squeezed his mother in a tight hug, nodding his head.. There was one more thing he wanted to say to her but before he could even open his mouth, the closet had swung open.
Izuku had acted instinctively, his claws protracted and he jumped out with a hiss only to be greeted by a loud bang, a shooting pain in his chest and then darkness.
He couldn’t move again. He had to listen as his mother screamed before another bang erupted in the air. His body felt heavy all of a sudden and he could only assume it was his mother, slumped over him.
And then they’re both alone again.
Izuku can’t remember how long he’s been lying there, recalling the same moment again and again. He needs to wake up, get his senses together.
He needs to run .
Someone else could come any moment now and then it would be too late. Wake up Izuku, Wake up. He’s chanting to himself.
He hears sirens and panic swells within him even more. He’s going to be caught. He’s going to be caught. Wake up, Izuku.
He can hear several footsteps running up to the house, he’s sure the front door will burst open any second now and everyone will file into this very room to find his mother and him, dead. Wake up, Izuku. If his heart was alive right now, Izuku is sure it’d be breaking out of his chest in fear.
He’s going to wake up in front of them and they’re going to know. Everything his mother was working to protect him against was going to be ruined. He’s going to get caught. Wake up, Izuku. Wake up, Izuku.
He’s going to be pronounced dead in front of several strangers. Wake up, Izuku. And then they’re going to watch life get sucked back into him. They’re going to know. Everything his mother was working to protect him against was going to be ruined. He’s going to get caught. Wake up, Izuku.
Air is finally breathed into his body and Izuku jolts up, his heart screaming inside him. He wastes little time, setting his mother down beside him before pressing a kiss against her forehead and whispering his final; “I love you.”
Then Izuku moves towards the window, ignoring the searing pain in his chest and shifts into a feline. He’s out of the window just as several people come rushing into the room.
“Something’s escaping!” He hears a shout behind him but it doesn’t matter, Izuku keeps running, knowing they’ll never catch him in his current form.
He wants to cry but he doesn’t. Everything hurts but he’s a brave boy. He doesn’t cry even when he slips off the walls and falls harshly onto the floor. He doesn’t cry even when he feels something sharp stabbing his paws. Instead he keeps running and running until he feels water rushing around his paws and he realises he’d run to the river he’d spent his years hunting around.
He thinks of Kaachan. He thinks of running to Kaachan but then he thinks of his mother, dead. Kaachan could die because of me , he realises. He can’t run to Kaachan. He’s all alone. Izuku is all alone.
He finally cries upon the realisation.
˗ ˏ ˋ ♡ ˎˊ ˗
The third time Izuku dies is at fourteen.
And this time, he gets caught.