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running and healing
Maya and Carina had brought Liam home a couple of days earlier and Andy was the one in charge of getting them a present from the whole station.
As she was browsing through those endless blogs of “30 presents ideas for your best friend who just had a baby” she kept recalling moments from the academy.
She remembered one evening, a few weeks before the final test, all the students decided to take a night off to go drinking at a bar and Maya did not seem to be willing to join them.
“Come on! it’s gonna be fun!” Andy tried to convince her.
“Andy it’s 9 o’ clock, I need to do my last 5 miles for today and if I don’t go to sleep early I won’t wake up tomorrow for my morning 5 miles” Maya argued.
“Well it won’t be the end of the world if you miss it once…” Andy replied.
Maya chuckled a little “Well maybe not for you. I can’t miss it”
Andy shrug it off and left. She didn’t know Maya that well and thought she was just anxious for the end of the academy.
However over the years she pieced together all the pieces of Maya’s story and her relationship with her sport.
Slowly her envy over her friend’s talent became pity over her childhood, spent pursuing a dream that wasn’t hers.
They had spent many evenings and nights together talking about their past and any time she received a confession from Maya she pitied her a little more.
How she felt trapped in the routine her father forced on her, how she couldn’t enjoy running but still couldn’t make herself stop.
“That’s not self care, it doesn’t shut my head off. It actually works the other way around, sometimes when I run I hear his voice for what I considered for a long time cheering on me. And if I try to stop it’s only worse” she had told Andy one evening. It was late and it had rained all day, it still was but Maya had delayed her run all day hoping it would stop. It hadn’t so she put on her raincoat and left to run.
That evening she came back to the station completely drenched, showered and was moved when she found her friend in the kitchen with a chicken noodle soup for her.
“You need to warm up a little”
“Thank you… I know you think I’m crazy and well i’m not saying I am not but… I can’t help it. I cannot miss a day.”
Andy nodded “I get it and I don’t think you are crazy, I’m just sad you don’t leave yourself any opportunity to rest or give all yourself to something you can enjoy”
Maya devoured the soup and cleaned her mouth with a tissue “I know… all athletes are messed up, kids might have the talent and the strength but they sure don’t have the passion or dedication to train as hard as they do. That’s something forced upon them…”
Andy nodded “I hope someday you get to enjoy running”
“I hope so too” she said getting up “But I think that’s a long way ahead”
Andy had often thought of that conversation, Maya had gotten a little better over the years. With all the therapy session and Carina’s help, she had even transitioned from her two daily runs to only one 10km per day. Still, her relationship with working out was very unhealthy.
As Andy shifted through the gift idea blog she stumbled upon the brilliant idea ‘a running stroller’.
She checked with the rest of the station and bought it.
Since they had brought Liam home Maya had taken a few weeks off, so Andy decided to visit them to bring the present.
She arrived at the door and as she was about to ring the doorbell she realised that there was probably a sleeping baby and texted Maya.
‘i’m outside the door, didn’t ring to avoid waking Liam’
A few seconds later she heard footsteps approaching and Maya opened the door.
“He’s asleep, good call capitan!”
The two friends hugged and Maya noticed the giant box next to her friend. It was almost as tall as her and was packed in a yellow wrapping paper with a red bow on top.
“That’s a little something from the station for mister Liam, you can call Carina and you open it up!”
Maya nodded in excitement and went inside to get her wife. Carina emerged with the baby monitor in her hand and they settled on the porch.
The two women opened the package.
“Wow! That’s beautiful and very well needed” Carina stated.
Maya looked a little puzzled then read ‘running’ on the box.
“Is this a running stroller?” she asked.
“Yeah, maybe with Liam you can start to finally enjoy it…”
Maya felt her eyes water up a little and hugged her friend tightly.
A few months later, on a sunny saturday morning, Maya got Liam in the stroller and decided to go for a run in a park nearby.
They arrived at the park, Maya warmed up a little next to the stroller and started running.
The first thing she noticed was that she was forced to slow down a lot given the heaviness of the stroller.
Liam seemed to enjoy the motion and in a couple of minutes he was asleep, since it was almost his nap time.
Maya complimented herself for her time management and entered her flow.
However her flow wasn’t how many people described runner’s high. She shut the whole world out and her thoughts felt amplified.
Her mind telling her to keep pushing because she felt slow and her mind telling her bringing Liam was a waste of a work out. She needed to run and he was slowing her down.
Her stopwatch warned her she had hit 2km and that was when she usually entered her fast pace. Something she couldn’t do because of the stroller. While running she hit a rock that derailed the stroller a little and the sudden movement woke the baby up.
He started crying so she did something she never recall doing, she stopped before hitting her goal.
“Hey little one, it’s okay, mummy’s sorry for the bump” she told him breathing heavily “Is it okay if we start again?” obviously the eight month old couldn’t reply to his mum, but seeing her face calmed him and he stopped crying.
So Maya started running again, a little slower and this time she tried not shutting the whole world out. She started being aware of her surroundings and took in all the nature around. She even slowed down to ask Liam if he was enjoying himself and if he liked the nature.
45 minutes later the baby started fussing, tired from being in the stroller so Maya stopped and set on the grass to stretch, taking him out of the stroller to crawl around.
She checked her time and got chills looking at it. She couldn’t recall ever being this slow, even when she was sick or with bad weather slowing her down. But then she looked at her baby, crawling towards her on the grass.
“Did you have fun?”
He chuckled.
“You know, I’ve never been this slow, taken this many breaks, but nothing bad happened and I got to spend time with you! So I’m happy” she told him tickling him.
He kept laughing at her.
Over the next few months saturday and sunday runs had became routine for the two, with Carina joining sometimes on the park to read and relax on a bench.
Andy’s plan had worked, Maya was starting to develop a healthier relationship with running, not letting her father control her routine. Sure now it was controlled by her little Liam, but he was way cuter and sweeter.
Once he learned how to walk Carina got them a tricycle Maya could push so Liam could have a more active role in the run, and that helped Maya focus even more on her surroundings while running. She started to be a lot more present and more mindful, it forced her to go to parks more often, rather than the dirty and dangerous streets around their house. And it also helped her be more accepting of routine changes. There were days where Liam allowed her to push him for even an hour, giggling at the sensation of wind on his face, then there were days he couldn’t even be still for fifteen minutes.
And still, even when she skipped runs or they were cut short, the world did not end, nobody was mad at her and her kid was always joyful to had spend the afternoon together.
Andy took a lot of pride in her friend’s evolution. She always said how her idea to get her a stroller had changed Maya’s attitude towards working out. And even if she made a big fuss out of it, Maya knew it was true.
She remembered the days she would run in the rain, or when she was sick, thinking it would be impossible to escape the routine. But there she was, thanks to her friend and her baby.
When Liam turned four he got too big for the tricycle and they bought him a bike. He got his training wheels away in a matter of days and Maya started running after him.
When they came back after their first run in that setting Maya looked all red and sweaty.
“Amore mio! Wow you look devastated”
Maya let out a loud sigh “I lost my control over him. Remember how he made me slow down, appreciate the surroundings and all that shit?”
Carina nodded giggling.
“Well now he’s free and fast”
“HEY!” Carina called out seeing her son “Hai distrutto mommy! [You destroyed mommy!]”
He giggled and ran a hand through his sweaty hair “volevo andare veloce [I wanted to go fast]”
“Troppo veloce! [too fast!]” Maya joked in her broken italian.
They adjusted to that new routine as well and it helped get a lot of energy out of Liam.
But Maya had promised her self to never be like her father, so before every run they enjoyed a snack or some fruit to get the energy they needed and on the way she always asked him if he actually wanted to move and told him he was allowed to stop anytime. Then they had found a bakery right outside and whenever they went in the morning they got breakfast for his mama and his sister, while they enjoyed it on the benches in the park.
Something changed a couple of years later. Liam was seven and it was a saturday morning. Maya was getting ready in her work out clothes when she went in the kids’ room.
“Andrea would you like to cycle with us? Like last week?” Maya asked her daughter, she used to come sometimes.
“No mommy, I wanna stay here with mama”
“That’s perfect baby” she gave her a kiss and turned towards her son “And you Liam? Shall we get the bike? Would you like to come?
“No and yes” he said.
Maya looked puzzled “Are you unsure? We can start going and you can decide once we are there”
“No I’m not being indecisive. No we don’t get the bike yes I want to come”
Maya was still confused so she kneeled to his high and put a hand behind his back “I don’t understand”
“Mommy I want to run too! With you”
“Oh” she stated “That’s okay, get your trainers on and let’s go”
She went towards the kitchen where she found Carina and prepped an apple and some yogurt and granola for breakfast.
“Liam wants to run…” she said with a little panic.
“That’s nice bambina, you can enjoy it together”
“Yeah but… I’m a little scared, I don’t wanna pass on to him anything unhealthy or stress him.”
“You won’t” she said hugging her “It’s going to be another bonding opportunity”
As they spoke Liam arrived and sat at the kitchen table.
“There you go, runner’s breakfast, we need a lot of energy”
He started munching on the yogurt “Will you teach me how to run right?”
“Of course baby, but can I ask you why you want to run?” she asked sitting next to him to eat.
“I wanna start football, like Carlo my cousin in Italy. And in football they run a lot”
Maya giggled “Of course, we will get you in football tryouts in september and now you can train with me, let’s go”
As she was driving Maya asked her kid “So Carlo told you about football?”
“Yeah, we facetimed with mamma and he said he started playing calcio and he has a lot of fun with his teammates, I wanna try too”
“That’s nice and surely another way to make more friends”
“Mommy what sport did you play? Mamma said she did ballet with Carlo’s mum”
Maya swallowed a sight “I ran”
“Oh that’s why you are so good”
“Yeah, I did it all my life, I even went to the olympics”
“Wow! What are the olympics?” he asked innocently.
Maya chuckled “It’s an important competition and I won”
“Wow, did you and your teammates have a trophy? Like at the end of calcio season?”
“I didn’t have any teammates”
“What? That must be boring…”
“It was a little, but now I have you as my running buddy”
The boy smiled proudly and noticed they had arrived.
They left the car and entered the park, Maya immediately stopped close to a bench “So first and foremost we need to stretch, so we do not injure ourselves. Get a hold on the bench”
The boy did as he was told, imitating his mother.
“And hold your foot on your bottom, let’s count to ten on each side”
He did and managed to keep his balance after a little trial and error.
“Now, hold the bench with only one hand and let’s swing our leg, ten times”
The boy did so giggling a little.
“Now we can leave the bench and do some lunges”
After they were done they started walking.
“Another important thing when running is controlling your breathing, we are going to breath slowly in through the nose and out through the mouth, you try”
He started to inhale but did it to strongly and chocked a little.
“Hey, a little slower”
He listened and tried again, this time less vigorously.
“That’s good and now, you are going to run at the same pace as your breathing, to start we are going to go slowly, because we don’t want to burn our energy too fast”
The boy nodded focused and started to run. He seemed a natural, but it was to be expected since he had watched his mother run all his life.
Maya kept a slow pace to stay a few steps behind him and when her watch warned her they had ran 500 meters she stopped to walk.
“Hey Liam! walk break”
He stopped breathing heavily and looking red on his face.
“We need to alternate running and walking, so… how was it?”
He took a moment to catch his breath “So cool! I did not hear any of the voices of my thoughts. All I felt was the wind” he laughed.
She ran her hand through his hair “That’s called runner’s high! Now let’s walk so we don’t de compensate”
They walked for another 500 meters.
“Did you catch your breath?” she asked her boy.
He nodded to not lose the beat of his breath.
“Is it okay if we start again?”
In response he started running again.
They repeated this cycle another couple of times and Maya decided it had been enough.
“Okay now we stretch again and then we’ll head home and take a shower”
They did so and then arrived by the car. Maya buckled her son in his car seat and moved his hair out of his sweaty forehead, he smiled at her “Did you have fun?”
He nodded.
“You are so quiet… are you too tired?”
“I am a little tired… but not too much. When can we go again?”
“We can make this a weekly thing, before you start soccer….” Maya suggested.
“Okay. Mummy I’m a little hungry can we stop by the bakery?”
“Of course, let me get driving. What would you like?”
She started the engine and looked through the rearview mirror at him, he looked thoughtful.
“mmm maybe a muffin, with chocolate. We need to get one for Andrea too”
“Of course we do and would you like a smoothie? you are going to need something sugary and hydrating”
“Okay… I want it with banana and strawberry”
“Of course”
They parked at the bakery and ordered everything to go. Maya was a little reluctant to order a heavy carb breakfast since she hadn’t worked out properly, however she knew how important it was to set a good example for her kids. She needed to take care of herself as she took care of them. So she opted for a slice of an organic carrot cake and got a smoothie loaded with a bunch of greens.
They got the smoothies and drank them right away, while the sweets were to go, so they could enjoy them together with their family.
“How was your run?” Carina asked as they came back home.
“We had fun…” Maya stated “Right baby?”
Liam replied yawning and nodding.
“I think the runner’s high is going down…” Maya stated passing a hand through his hair “now we are going to take a hot shower, get into comfy clothes and help mamma cook, right?”
The boy nodded smiling.
Over the summer every saturday and sunday were dedicated to running in the morning and then every evening Maya lured around her son, watching his every move and yawn, to ask him if he was tired or if anything hurt.
Before they knew it summer was ending, school was starting again and it was time for soccer tryouts. For a couple of weeks Maya’s shifts overlapped with practice, so it was Carina or the babysitter bringing Liam to sport. The first time she was free to bring him and watch him Maya felt pretty anxious.
They drove there and Maya helped him get ready in the changing room, she introduced herself to a couple of other mums and then to the coach. She then sat on the benches and looked at her kid closely.
They started by warming up -and he was obviously the fastest- then they did a few exercises and the last half hour they were split into teams and played a match.
Liam had just started and had a few issues kicking the ball. He was fast, faster than any of his teammates, but whenever he got close to the ball he seemed to chock and couldn’t kick. Maya felt something weird in her guts. She knew her kid had it in him, he only had to engage a little more. But what she felt was worse than she wanted to admit. She knew he could be better, she felt like he had to and she felt like it was her job to make him able to be the best; maybe if she trained him, like she had with running… Maya took a deep breath, she hated were her mind was bringing her, so she looked at Liam, who had managed to finally get the ball off another clumsy seven year old and, since he was looking for her for the excitement, he tripped over it and another kid got it.
She smiled waving and cheering on him, he was happy and having fun and that was all she needed.