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'To hell with it' I think and stop. "Stop, please." They immediately point their spears at me, all fight ready. But they do stop.
"I apologize" I raise my hands and observe for a second. They won't attack first.
I turn around and look at you, your face.. so sad and worried. I find your eyes and I'm horrified how I could be so blind. Only now I understand your true power. There was no one like Rogers but there is also no one like you. Your strength amazes me. Despite all your history of war and torture, you are still you, carrying this burden, but it seems like it makes you even stronger.
You look at me and rush forward. Do you want to fight me? No.. You stop in front of me, eyes searching my face. I'm trying to keep it calm. I have a name after all, and I must say something to you.
"James" I lower my hands slowly and suddenly you do something crazy. You catch my palms in your hands and I finally collapse.
To hell with my name. It means nothing today. All my people are gone, country ruined and ceased to exit. I have nothing but my vengeance and money. And still it means nothing too. I no longer understand what exactly I'm trying to achieve. It all blurs. But I am still me. It's just so hard to be that vulnerable. Under layers of military training, well-tailored clothes and all the blood I am me.
I feel like it happened yesterday. It's my thirteenth birthday, I stand in the field of purple flowers. We are on a family vacation in France. Soft wind passes through my hair, the smell of lavender wraps me like a blanket. And I feel love. True and painful love to life. I feel it now as tears escape my eyes. To hell with all games.
I look at your beautiful face, still sad but so soft and then you crash into me, wrapping arms around my shoulders. You don't even need words, you feel everything, how I tremble and then lean to you, crying on your shoulder, hugging you in return.
"Forgive me, J-j please.." I hear myself mutter
"Shh" your hands grasp at the thick material of my coat "I forgave you long ago, don't make me say it out loud" you say firmly. Do you really mean it? It's so hard to believe, after all I've done to you. Tears won't stop but I feel comfortable in your arms, as if time has stopped just for us.
"But I need it, James" I whisper
"Okay" you breathe out and lean back.
You place your hands on the fur collar, right above the back of my neck, your fingers immediately start playing with it. And your glance.. Oh, you look at me like you care, it's like something fills your eyes, something that you haven't given a way out for a long time. You speak
"I forgive you, Zemo, for what you did. To me, specifically. I understand what it's like when you want to avenge someone. And sometimes it must be done, but you must not let it take control over you. I feel like you already know how to judge your deeds and I'm pretty sure you regret .. some of it" you smile slightly and continue "it may sound stupid but violence produces violence. And I don't want us to be a part of it anymore. I forgave you, and hope you'll forgive yourself"
Before I can react you hug me again, tighter this time and speak quietly right in my ear "I don't want you to die, Helmut. Please, don't die. Sorry for pointing this gun at you."
My mind hazes, I feel your arms, different, but both perfect. You break me just like that, I'm wrecked and sobbing into your chest. You don't want me to die. How cruel and freeing. You are the only one who can do this to me, expel me from the land of half-dead.
But it's hard. My life is ruined. I need to go through debris again, searching for something to steady myself. But for you.. I think I'm ready. I want to be ready, to struggle and survive no matter what.
I manage to stop weeping, it's time to collect myself.
I'm still me, and you are still you. And we stand wrapped in each other's arms surrounded by the best warriors in the world. It flashes me how brave you are. You know they can defeat you in a couple of seconds. But still you are here, catching my blood stained hands, comforting an international criminal. And I am going to prison. It's not hard to escape, but I need some time to regroup myself. I am so grateful to you, it feels like something heavy, grounding, something that I needed for a long time. I break the embrace to look into your eyes and speak to you
"Thank you, James, for wishing this to us. I admired your strength for a long time" I run my hand down your left arm and it vibrates as if with static electricity. Do I read this right? I continue "You are incredible..."
You frown in an attempt to hide your upcoming tears and something turns over inside of me "... But most of all I admire your inner power and how you learn to take control of your life. I'm sorry again, for ignoring that. And something else, I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You deserve to be happy, James." With my left hand I boldly touch your chest right above the heart. Alive and hot. I melt at the realization that you let me. I whisper
"Thank you for showing me this, for your kindness and embrace"
You sharply inhale twice and finally river floods, tears start rolling out of your eyes. You breathe out my name and pull me into your arms. We just can't escape each other's magnetic fields. Now it's my turn to give comfort while you cry in the crook of my neck. I run my fingers through your hair, I like that you're looking for your style and I wish I could take off the gloves to really feel the softness. Your teeth clench from crying "Shit, Zemo, I feel like I have so much to tell you" you hiss in my ear. It's beyond my control, heart skips a couple of beats. You definitely feel it, because you pull back a little and run your head slowly, tenderly over my neck, ear, temple and stop on my forehead. I can't breathe and can't take my eyes off you. I need to feel this warmth to survive what's coming.
"I want to come back after it all settle down. And if I have an opportunity" I confess quietly so only you can hear me "We still have a lot of enemies, Earth intersected with different fronts"
And you smile wide, through tears. It's like you unfold in front of me, your inner light covers my heart and makes me say something stupidly romantic
"You are the gold for my broken shards, dear James"
You stop smiling and I see like in slow motion how your face changes, lips parted a little, pupils dilate.
"Oh my god, Zemo" you whisper "come back to me, please..." and we both can't help it to move our bodies closer to each other, I touch your waist with my hands tucked under your coat and you like it, I can tell "...so we don't have company" you briefly side-eye Dora warriors "and so I can finally hug you properly" It's so unexpected and hot, my face heat up but I still look in your eyes.
"What are you doing to me, James?" I smile "making me blush like a girl"
"Say it" you shake me just slightly "say you will come back"
"I will come back, James" and I believe it, I know I can do it
"Okay" you breathe out and quickly kiss my forehead with your perfect lips "I will wait for you, Helmut"
My name.. like my life it's no longer only mine, and I like it.
We slowly distance ourselves from each other, fingers intertwined. Dora Milaje warriors no longer stand in battle poses. They wait patiently, processing the sight, I bet. But I see how they start losing their patience, you can feel it too.
"Good bye, James" I nod and this time you answer me
"Bye, Zemo. I will write to you." you squeeze my hands and I mirror the gesture before stepping back, without breaking eye contact.
"I'm ready"
Your eyes never leave me while they take me to the helicopter. I look at you once more from my seat. You are my savior.
I will regain my strength and then I'll find you and we'll be able to embrace each other truthfully.