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I was born wrong.
That’s what I’ve been taught to think ever since I can remember.
“Why are you dressed like that?”
“Isn’t that for girls?”
“Why do you dress like that?”
“I dress like this because I like it.”
I was taught that expressing myself was weird, that it made others uncomfortable. They saw me not as a person but as something that they could ridicule and gawk at whenever they wanted to. I was something strange and unusual that none of them had ever seen before. I tried to make myself fit into what they wanted to see. A normal person. A person that didn’t enjoy dressing up nicely,, wearing make-up, and everything that was considered cute. For a while, the things that represented me were ripped away. The question that begged was, “If I stopped liking cute things, would everyone stop looking at me like that?” It would’ve made them happy. It would’ve made everything that bothered me stop. I considered it heavily.
A gentle hand laid itself on my head that day and another made it’s way into my heart. Almost as if giving it a hug. It gave it something that it had been yearning to hear.
“I think that if Mizuki likes it, why should you stop? It’s what makes you happy, right?”
For once, I didn’t get laughed at, I didn’t get called strange. I had someone that understood me. She understood what made me happy. That day, I felt a sense of relief. My sister was someone that I could confide in, you could even say that she saved me from becoming someone that I would regret in the years to come.
Those words became the push that I needed to learn that.. It was okay for me to be me. I didn’t have to give up what I loved, I didn’t have to give up what made me happy just so I could please others. I could live as myself without worrying about what the people around me thought.
With that encouragement, I became someone that I slowly grew to love. Someone who loved dressing up, someone who loved putting on make-up, someone who loved everything cute.
The mirror that I had covered up as a way of rejecting the person who I used to be sat to the side of my bed. For once, I wanted to see what would appear. When I lifted up what seperated me from looking at myself, I wasn’t met with the person who wanted to disappear, the person who was filled with misery just by simply existing. I was met with the image of someone who had wanted to be free for the longest. Without realizing it, my eyes were filled with water and my vision became blurry. There was no way that I could retain my tears from falling. I was so unbelievably happy that it hurt.
If you stay away from what hurts you, eventually you’ll forget that it had even existed. Perhaps it wasn’t exactly the right choice to do so.
I had stopped attending classes for a while now. What would I get out of going to school if my grades weren’t terrible? I’d get the same look and words out of everyone’s mouth that I had to painfully get used to.
“Wow it’s you can’t even tell.”
“It’s not like they’re trying to hide it.”
“I’d ask for her number if I didn’t know.”
I was happy, but even if I was comfortable, the most comfortable that I had even been in my skin, there would always be others against it.
-
I had met a group that made music, with me as their video editor, while I was still trying to accept who I was. Time went on and eventually we got closer. Although it was intially rough for everyone at first, those moments with them turned to treasure in my head. There was nothing more precious to me than them. Mafuyu, Kanade, Ena, I wanted nothing but to stay with them forever.
Would there always be something as forever though? Whenever someone found out that I was different from them, they would call me “weird” and then leave me because I was unusual. The kindness that everyone had in Nightcord made me want to tell them, I really meant it, but.. What if the same thing happened again? What if I lost everything just because I was me? I couldn’t tell them, not now, I wanted everything to stay as it was. If one of those days came to be our last together, I wouldn’t want to know but I would want to treasure it dearly.
Were my emotions plastered on my face on the day of the trip?
Another person’s warm hand reached out to my heart in the following days. It took me by surprise but her stubborness and determination even more.
“Until you’re ready to tell me, I’ll be waiting for you.”
“What if I can never tell you?”
“Then I’ll be waiting forever until you can.”
Was there really such a thing as forever? A glimpse of hope appeared for me at that moment. Maybe there really was something as silly as ‘forever’ My heart skipped a beat at the declaration. I was happy that I had someone so kind by my side. Until it was ruined by the words that tained my entire existence.
“You’re weird.”
Why was it that these people had so much more control over my life than I did? It frustrated me. These were my friends! I couldn’t keep something so important from them. Everytime I tried saying something about it, my words got stuck in my throat.
I was happy. As my happiness grew, so did my burden. Everyone seemed to be taking a step forward towards what they wanted to accomplish in their life. I felt left behind. I was scared to take a step forward but even through that hesistance of mine, I pushed through. The Kamikou festival was coming up, that would be the perfect opportunity for me. It would also be a fun time for everyone as well if we brought them along. I was ready to lose everything that day.
“Ena, I want to tell you what I couldn’t before.”
The same warm and kind feeling that resonated through her on that day shone by her smile. The orange tinted sky made me feel slightly nostalgic, it was under the same sky that Ena and I’s friendship turned stronger.
“Okay.”
I wanted her to be the first that I told. I couldn’t let anyone else take that privilege from her after she said she would wait for me.
“Akiyama! Do you know where the nurse is? A student got injured.”
It was a freshmen. I couldn’t turn her down since it was urgent. It was really nothing major if something interrupted us. After all, Ena could simply go up to the rooftop and wait for me there.
“Go on without me, I’ll try to take care of this fast.”
I turned my back to her and ran so I could take less time out of her day.
It ended up taking a whole lot longer than I was expecting but that was okay. I was finally ready to face my troubles head on. I would finally be rid of the painfully heavy problem that laid on my chest.
“Hey aren’t you that girl that was hanging out with Akiyama earlier?”
“Oh.. yeah, I guess that was me.”
Huh?
“Awesome! Hey so.. Does that mean you’re also a guy? ”
“C’mon man! Quit it.”
“Hahaha! Calm down it was just a joke.”
What?
“A joke? Hey.. I didn’t think that was very funny.”
“Oh.. sorry. I just thought you were a ‘normal girl’ ”
It couldn’t be.
“What do you.. What do you mean by ‘normal’?! I am a normal girl.”
“Oh shoot- Wait could it be that she really doesn’t know?”
“I told you to stop man!”
“I thought that since they’ve been friends for so long that she’d know!”
I couldn’t listen to that for even one more second. The door to the rooftop opened with a painful creak and the conversation came to a halt. Nothing but a second of mere silence. The orange sky that once brought comfort, suddenly became a sky that would forever hold the memory of something so ugly.
My opportunity, the little control over myself that I had left had been ripped away from me. The one person that I confided in so much, she looked at me with surprise. If I didn’t know any better, that expression would’ve said nothing but disgust. My heart hurt, it hurt so much that I couldn’t even focus on the sun’s bright rays that got in my eyes and made me feel scorching hot. I was scared, I was so scared that I ran away. I heard Ena’s distant calling of my name but I didn’t care. I wanted to run away and hide as fast as I could. I didn’t want to have that talk, I didn’t want to have to deal with the confrontation that came with everything.
All I wanted to be was myself. Ever since I made it clear that I wanted to be myself, everyone around me shunned me away, they called me disgusting names, they looked at me like I wasn’t a person. I’ve been dealing with it for so long. I tried to be optimistic but I couldn’t anymore. The same people who I have been dealing with since childhood, managed to ruin the most important moment of my life.They had made me look like a fool. Once again I had become the punchline of their joke. How could I even live with that anymore? If I can’t be understood now, then I won’t be understood in the future.
I’ve had enough.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you. If I wasn’t so scared to say anything, then maybe on that day, I could’ve managed to tell you myself. I’m so sorry.