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It ends here. Once, I might have been afraid of what the end could mean. Even though, as cliché as it may sound, the hahrens of clan Lavellan were right when they said that time, and only time, would make us wiser. I see him so eager to learn with the few spirits bold enough to visit us in this prison made of regret and every sacrifice falls into place. They paint this bigger picture that I wasn’t capable of seeing before and let me tell you, mama. It is so beautiful, like one of his frescoes.
It is less hostile now in comparison with our arrival. In the first days, we couldn’t even conjure a bed fit for sleep. It seemed that everything was a chance for some kind of punishment, a tool perfected to drive him to redemption through pain and privation. It took time to get him to understand that, to atone for what he did, he would have to deal with the wounds deep inside. And as he healed, this place — the mirror of his soul — began to feel a little warmer. We even have a small cottage now.
It is more than I signed up for, but I promised him that I would make it less terrible.
I am not writing to you to talk about our new home. I write because it is not just him; I also have my share of healing to do. I still cannot forget the look in your eyes when you saw me without my vallaslin. I know how important it was for you and I remember our endless talks about which god I should honor. How proud you were when I chose Mythal, because I aspired to be a protector of our People.
I have met our creators.
Mythal is nothing like we ever thought she would be. But she was a protector and that is what should matter, isn’t it? I also could never bring myself to tell you, but Solas is one of them too. The worst of them, as we Dalish have come to know him. And yes, he has made horrible decisions, but I never loved anyone like I love him, mama.
I forgave him as I forgave you for banishing me from our clan. But, as I noticed while writing this I cannot release myself from the hurt I feel. You died. You died and I never could ask for your forgiveness. I could never explain to you the truth about our People, what Solas and Mythal did in a desperate attempt to save us and how we lived in the shadows of their actions our entire lives.
What kind of protector am I? How could the Blight take you, mama?
I had resources. Even though disbanded, the Inquisition still had force. But you died hating me, believing I had forsaken my heritage, thinking that I had finally accepted their human god. I wish I could tell you how unclean it felt to be called Herald of Andraste. How many times I rejected their praises.
I couldn’t be more proud of being Dalish.
I treasure all that you have taught me and I do not mean our songs and rites, but compassion. The compassion you couldn’t show me. The same compassion that I give to him willingly now, the greatest betrayer of our pantheon.
I wish we had more time.
Wherever you are, I hope you can be a little proud of me. We are protecting, mama. Not just the elven, but the whole world this time. I think that is what both of us are now — protectors. I like to think that you would be happy to know that. One day, we are going to be free of this prison, and perhaps, when that day comes, I will be able to meet you again. I could then tell you the legend of the mortal who stole the Dread Wolf’s heart. I am sure you would love it.
So, as I was saying to you before, I have learned that the end is just some kind of new beginning and as I do not exist in our realm as I used to, I stand with him in eternity.
Ar lath ma, mama.
Ellana of clan Lavellan