Work Text:
Day after day, it was always the same. Waking up at the crack of dawn, hurrying to work, only to get yelled at and chug energetics, hoping he could finish his job without staying too late or getting scolded by his manager again. Doppo hated this kind of life.
The only thing, or more like a person, that kept him from going insane, was Hifumi. Izanami Hifumi, his boyfriend and roommate. He was like warm sunshine after a long day, he would often hug and kiss Doppo after he came back from work, making him a warm meal to relax.
Sometimes, it wouldn’t go as Doppo would want it to though. Hifumi had his work as well, and he worked in the evenings, which meant they would barely see each other. And Doppo couldn’t deny, he missed his boyfriend. Some days were better, some were worse.
He also couldn’t deny he wasn’t able to deal with the sadness sometimes. He had his ways, which included a knife or another sharp object, and a long-sleeved shirt. That’s it. He would never tell Hifumi, though. He wouldn’t want Hifumi to be sad too, if there’s someone who needs to stay happy, then it’s Hifumi.
Some days were particularly bad though.
────
Doppo woke up to an empty space next to him in bed. He groggily opened his eyes, wiping them from any residues from the night. Doppo felt cold. He didn’t like feeling cold.
His hand searched on the bed, hoping that it was just his sleepy eyes failing him. His alarm didn’t ring yet, but it was bright enough outside to consider not going back to sleep anymore for the night. His hand couldn’t feel Hifumi like it always would.
Concern crept onto Doppo’s face, as he sat up in his bed. He looked around, searching for his phone. It was on his bed stand, and as he picked it up, he checked the time. It was five minutes before his alarm would normally ring.
He got up from bed, clutching the phone in his hand. He started walking towards the door. With each step, Doppo could smell more and more of something delicious, yet there was no noise coming from the house.
“Hifumi…?” Doppo opened the door, yawning, looking around for any signs of his boyfriend. What about his morning kisses..? Did something happen?
There was a plate full of food at the table. Was that where the delicious smell was coming from? … Doppo walked up, looking at the plate. It was freshly plated and still warm omurice. There was also a note next to the plate.
“Sorry Doppochin, had to leave early to take care of some business! Good luck at work! Eat the omurice! - Hifumi ♡”
Doppo’s chest tightened. He had to leave… That’s understandable, but… Doppo felt selfish. He felt like he needed his good morning hug, his good morning kiss, and to look at his boyfriend preparing the meal instead of having it already plated.
He knew complaining wouldn’t do anything, as he sat down by the table, picking up the fork to eat his meal. It felt lonely, and the food didn’t taste as well as it normally would. Stress started creeping up on him, even though he didn’t even leave for work yet. His positivity boost wasn’t here with him.
He finished only half of the plate, before feeling nausea creeping up, so he left the rest on the table. He knew Hifumi wouldn’t be happy, but Doppo couldn’t help it.
“Sorry…” He whispered, getting up from the table, and leaving the food. He had to get ready for work anyways, and forcing himself to eat all of it could potentially take too long, causing him even more anxiety and possibly making him late for work.
Doppo dressed up and walked out of his apartment with his bag, as always. Inside there were sandwiches also prepared by Hifumi freshly in the morning, and some energy drinks that he bought the previous day while coming back from work. He knew he’d be too tired or short on time to purchase them before work, so he did it the previous day instead.
He didn’t really like when Hifumi went through his bag, but he didn’t want to tell that to Hifumi. It’s not like he was hiding anything that he was ashamed of, like an erotic magazine or something. But he did have a small knife inside one of his side pockets. It was packed in a cute little bag, tied with a ribbon, so it didn’t look too ominous and suspicious.
Hifumi would often purchase him cutesy things that he didn’t really need, but he also didn’t mind. This specific bag he received on Valentine’s day one time, and it had some sort of hard candies inside. It would be wasteful to throw it out, so he decided to keep it. And maybe if Hifumi found it in his bag, he would be happy rather than terrified.
Doppo walked into the building, and everything was the same as always. His co-workers greeted him, some completely ignored his existence, but he preferred it that way. He got to his desk, and once again, his daily routine was about to begin. Getting dumped a lot of work out of nowhere, his co-workers leaving their papers at Doppo’s shoulders instead, and him unable to refuse. Being yelled at by his boss, even though he’s trying his best, then apologizing for two minutes straight, but it’s not like it was going to change anything.
He felt tired today. He felt cold, and unable to work. His hands didn’t want to move on the keyboard, and the energy drinks looked more disgusting than they ever did before. But he couldn’t complain, he couldn’t stop working. If he did, he would get in even more trouble, and he hates getting in trouble.
Hours were passing, and his work was slow today. It was making Doppo anxious. His head was yelling to hurry up, meanwhile his body didn’t want to listen. He didn’t receive any messages from Hifumi either, which was making him more nervous. Was he still busy? Maybe he just forgot or didn’t feel like messaging Doppo? Which was completely valid, since who would want to waste their time on him.
“Kannonzaka!” Doppo flinched, hearing a loud shout from behind him. His heart rate sped up, as he looked towards the source of the noise. It was his manager, standing behind him, looking at him with an upset face.
“Y- Yes, sir?” He got up, facing his manager in fear.
“You didn’t finish your work today, did you? Your clients are sending complaints to us!” His manager dropped a pile of papers onto Doppo’s desk. “You need to answer all of these, no matter how long it takes you!” He walked away, leaving Doppo with a face full of worry.
The pile of papers was big enough to last for an entire day of work. He still had the files for today to finish, but these? There’s no way he could do it today. There’s no way, there’s no way, there’s no-
His phone suddenly rang. It was a message from Hifumi, but when he noticed what time it already was, he freaked out even more. It was slowly getting to 3 PM. He wanted to leave work earlier today… But these piles of papers were preventing him from it.
“Doppochin~ Are you doing well? I just got home, had a loooot of stuff to do… I saw you didn’t finish your breakfast… Hope you ate something else instead though! ♡”
O- Oh right, food… He felt bad now, both not finishing Hifumi’s breakfast and his lunch would definitely make him upset.
Is that what he was best at? Making everyone upset, hurting each and every single person? Making his boss angry, making his boyfriend worry about him… Is that how it was?
He cracked open an energy drink, which could be a bad idea, since his heartbeat was already fast enough. Everything was stressing him out, but his eyes felt droopy, and he knew he had to do something about it.
He just needed a little more adrenaline… A little something to take his mind out of the gutter, to feel more relaxed.
… The pocket knife is in your bag, Doppo.
He tried to shake those thoughts away by chugging the energy drink, but it just made him more sick. It tasted terribly, as he felt his stomach twist and turn.
Doppo was cold.
He started rummaging through his bag, his thoughts cloudy. He wasn’t thinking straight, but he didn’t need to. He just needed his knife, he needed to cut away the thoughts. Doppo found the bag, and ran towards the bathroom.
The stalls were all empty, which was a good thing. He bursted into one of them, and immediately threw up whatever he consumed into the toilet. Was he just oversensitive? Is that all because he didn’t receive a morning hug from Hifumi? Is that how weak he really is?
He pulled the knife out of the little bag, fidgeting with it for a while, before putting it against his arm.
It’s okay Doppo, if you do it, your thoughts won’t hurt as much. You’re going to be okay, it won’t be painful. Think of everything that’s bothering you, and cut yourself as much as you want.
And so, he did. A single line first, carefully yet as roughly and quickly as he could. The knife wasn’t that sharp, nor did he have any strength in his body to cut too deeply. It could only tear his skin, and that’s all he really needed. Tears started welling up in his eyes as he started cutting the second line.
Hifumi would be disappointed, you know?
He wanted to silence those thoughts so badly. He knew Hifumi would be disappointed, he did. He knew he would probably dump him or yell at him. He knew, and it hurt him. He slashed his arm again, this time not so gracefully and with more anger.
Pathetic.
… A few minutes passed, before he came to his senses in one way or another. He realized if he cut too much, Hifumi would easily notice. He was smart enough to take his suit off to prevent staining it with blood, but he had to put it on again anyway.
He took a peek outside of the stall to see if someone was there, but it was empty.
He walked out towards the sinks and washed the wounds as well as the knife. It stung, but it didn’t bother him at all. He took some hand towels and wrapped them around the wounds. These weren’t a good option, but it was better than nothing, and letting the blood from the still spilling wounds get on his sleeves.
He took a deep breath, which didn’t help at all, and left the bathroom, hiding the knife in his small bag.
He sat back down as if nothing happened, one hand fidgeting with the empty can that had an energy drink inside, and the other slowly going through the papers. He hid the knife back into the safe pocket of his main bag, zipping it. He did it again, huh.
Hours passed like this, and nothing changed. There were still a ton of papers, it’s just messages from Hifumi that multiplied. It felt horrible, leaving his boyfriend without any sign of life from him, but he didn’t know what to say. He’s going to be here the entire night? Slaving away? Yesterday he said he’s going to come home early today, and he lied.
“Kannonzaka, are you staying?” One of his co-workers asked as he got up from his desk. “I’m leaving now.”
“A- Ah, yes, sorry…”
“You don’t need to apologize to me.” The person laughed nervously. “I’m going to leave the lights on then. Don’t stay too long.”
Don’t stay too long, huh? As if he had a choice. He felt sick and tired, his eyes barely staying open, and his sleeve was stained with blood… Wait, his sleeve was what?
Doppo’s eyes widened, as he noticed the red stains on his sleeves. Oh, Hifumi was going to kill him for this. The paper must’ve been too thin.
“Shit, shit, shit-” He ran to the bathroom and immediately put his sleeve under cold water, pulling out the soaked paper towels. He tried to scrub it with soap too, but it wasn’t helping much. Now he was soaking wet and bloodstained.
He went back to his desk and laid his head down. He was too tired to do anything. His chest hurt, his stomach felt funky, and his head was heavy. His eyelids slowly became heavy, before he drifted off to sleep.
────
Doppo woke up, trying to remember what happened. He was awake, but he wasn’t at his work… He was in his bed, and sunlight was shining into his eyes. What time was it, why was he in his bed?
… But he felt warm this time. There was someone else here. … Hifumi.
Hifumi had his arms wrapped around Doppo, one of his hands in Doppo’s hair, as if he fell asleep while ruffling it, which did happen multiple times before.
… But wait, wait. What about his work… Wait- What about his sleeve? What about his clothes, what about-
He sat up quickly and shook Hifumi off, before storming off to the bathroom. He knew he definitely woke the other man up, but his worries took over him.
He was still in the same clothing that he fell asleep in, so Hifumi maybe didn’t notice his wounds. The sleeve wasn’t wet anymore, and the stains weren’t very visible, due to the fact that his suit was of a darker color. If it was white, he would’ve been done for.
“Mmh… Doppoo…?” He heard from outside of the bathroom. It was Hifumi’s usual groggy voice. “Ooh, uh… I picked you up from work… I called it a day off for you today…”
Huh? A day off…?
“Are you okay, though…?” Hifumi clearly sounded worried, and that hurt Doppo.
“... Y- Yes, um, could you bring me another shirt, please? L- Long sleeve…” Doppo responded through the door. He didn’t want Hifumi too see him in this state.
“... Long? But it’s very warm today…” Hifumi got suspicious, which only added to Doppo’s anxiety.
“U- Uh… Please?” He stuttered.
“Mm, fine, I suppose..” Hifumi walked away, and Doppo sighed nervously.
He took off his suit and threw it into the laundry basket. He was just in his shirt now, and the wounds were glaring at him. He felt ashamed, like he always did. He never wanted Hifumi to see those, and now there he was. He told himself, he’ll try stopping cutting himself. But there it is, he did it once again. Of course he would. He’s too weak to stop, he’s too weak to deal with his anxiety in a different way, of cours-
“Doppo…?”
Doppo’s heart dropped, as he saw Hifumi standing in the bathroom, next to the widely open door.
“Y- You weren’t answering, so I went in, and…”
Fuck. Fuck, shit, shit, shit, shit. Hifumi saw everything, he saw his scars, they were visible, right here, in front of him. Of course he couldn’t hide them forever. He felt like throwing up, like killing himself right there. He can’t listen to Hifumi yelling at him, not now, he’s not ready.
“Doppo..? Doppo, Doppo look at me…” Hifumi held Doppo’s hands in his, gently rubbing his thumbs on top of Doppo’s palms. He… didn’t look upset. More like worried, but that was understandable. Doppo’s wounds still had drips of blood on them that he didn’t care to wipe.
“...” Doppo looked at Hifumi, tears welling up in his eyes. “S- Sorry, I didn’t want you to see these… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to worry you, sorr-”
Before he could finish his sentence, he was thrown into a warm embrace. He could feel Hifumi’s hands softly rubbing his back, as his face was buried in Hifumi’s shoulder.
“Don’t apologize, Doppochin… I’m… not mad at you, you know. I could never. … I’ve seen your old scars before, I didn’t want to tell you though.”
… He did?
“I was unsure if they’re very old or if… you still keep doing it, but…” Hifumi was careful about his words. He didn’t want to say anything impolite. “Just… I’m upset. Not at you, of course, not at myself either, because I know you’d hate that. I’m upset at whatever made you feel this way, you know…”
“Sorry…” Doppo responded.
“... Don’t apologize, I told you, really. But… If you want to talk about it, I’m here, you know?” Hifumi backed away a little, giving Doppo a kiss on his cheek. “Also, we should clean these a little…”
Doppo didn’t respond, but he felt warmer in his chest. He knew he could trust Hifumi, just… at the same time, he wasn’t sure. He knew Hifumi isn’t rude, and he would never get mad at Doppo, but it’s simply… not the same. There's some topics he wouldn't trust anyone with… including Hifumi, no matter how much he hates to say it.
“... Okay.”
“And-” Hifumi cupped Doppo's face in his hands, giving him a comforting smile. “Please don't overwork yourself like this again… I was so scared when you weren't coming back from work nor answering me. Please just, give me a call, I'll come by and help you out with some papers, okay?”
“... Sure.” Doppo smiled back at Hifumi.
It was definitely not the end of his troubles, but at least he felt safer. Felt like someone was there for him, able to give him a hug and a warm kiss if he felt sad.
“I love you, Doppo, remember that, okay?”
“... I love you too, H- Hifumi…”