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It's not like Riki has never been touched.
He has. In sweaty clubs, frantic and dazed. Behind closed doors, shutters hiding him from the outside world, with an urgency driven solely by pure lust and the need for release.
It's that he's never been touched like this. So deliberately, knowing that Jake's gentle hands are proof that he wants this too, that it's mental before physical.
His breaths are coming out in short puffs and his hands are frozen, glued to the wall behind him, scared that if he touches Jake, the moment will inevitably break. He's present. He's present and he feels everything heightened and it's almost overwhelming. It feels different.
It's different in the way they're both still clothed, Jake mouthing at the exposed skin of Riki's neck. Different in the way Jake cradles his cheek with one hand and holds his hip firm but soft, so soft, with the other as he kisses him open-mouthed and messy, spit dripping down Riki's chin. Different in the way Jake is being intentionally slow and Riki is indulging him, even as he feels like his jeans are too tight and the fabric of his boxers is too rough against his skin.
It's different and it feels amazing and like everything Riki has ever wanted.
The movements stop and Riki has to look down at the older, a questioning look behind his half-lidded eyes.
And then Jake asks, his voice heavy as he manages to get the words out between laboured breaths.
"Are you sure?" it's a simple question, really, but it stirs something in Riki. Something deep and honey-sweet that would have no place in the moment if this was a simple hook-up. Something that Riki takes his time to revel in before nodding.
He sees the exact moment in which Jake's demeanor shifts. When he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, prepares himself to do what he had wanted to for a while now.
Next, Jake's hands are all over him again but with a newfound confidence, a roughness that hadn't been there before. And Riki wonders for how long has Jake really wanted this if a simple nod on Riki's part, his consent for Jake to do what he wanted, unleashed such impatience in the other man.
It isn't long before Jake manages to get rid of Riki's t-shirt, the younger boy still stiff, his unsure hands going to grip his hyung's shoulders as Jake moves his mouth from his neck to his collarbones. Riki feels impossibly small under Jake's touch and the way Jake keeps on glancing up at him, his pupils dilated and gaze warm, is making him go crazy.
His hands grip a little tighter, fisting at the fabric of Jake's sweater, as Jake lets his tongue graze over one of Riki's nipples. And he seems to catch on the subtle gesture, he hums and repeats the action, more eager to please, licking and sucking like it's his mission to make Riki lose his mind completely.
Riki is torn between letting Jake go on forever, sure that he could die happily like this, and asking for more before he comes from the other's tongue on his skin alone and ends up looking like a complete virgin. And for a few seconds he does nothing, stays completely still, except for the erratic rising and falling of his chest, and holds his lower lip between his teeth to stop himself from making any sound. It sure isn't the best idea, doing this at the dorm, with Jungwon and Heeseung playing games in the next room over.
It's as if Jake can feel Riki's thoughts wander and he tugs on the younger's arm, forcing him to look down, desperate for attention.
Riki gulps, his throat going dry. But he gives Jake what he's craving, entangles his fingers in Jake's dark hair and pulls just hard enough to sting, hard enough for the other to resume his work. Jake's tongue traces a path down Riki's stomach until his nose ends up pushing against Riki's navel and his teeth scrape the waistband of his jeans. Jake lets out a frustrated whine and Riki's breath catches in his throat at the scene before him. Now Jake is looking at him with so much want in his unbelievably perfect brown eyes that Riki burns under his gaze and he moves his hand from Jake's head, pushes his face away from his body to unbutton his jeans with urgency.
The pants are down to his knees now and he stands there, unmoving and vulnerable, scared that Jake has changed his mind, that he'll walk out of the room and say it had all been in Riki's head, that he doesn't want this.
Instead, Jake licks his lips, rubs his sweaty hands together and closes the distance between them once again.
Riki feels like he can finally breathe once Jake is on his knees in front of him. He just wants to burn the image behind his eyelids, remember every small detail perfectly for as long as he can. And if his eyes water, Jake makes sure not to say anything, spreads his hands on Riki's thighs and braces himself.
Jake shamelessly buries his face between Riki's thighs, nose pressed to his groin and mouthing at his clothed bulge. He does it like he can't wait, like he doesn't have the patience to let Riki take his boxers off, like there's no restraint left in him. Riki is sure he already sees a wet spot in his underwear, he's sweaty and incredibly hard and he's not sure he can take much more.
A string of "hyung" and "please" leaves Riki's lips, his hands hurriedly touching every inch of Jake's body he can reach. He's pleading and usually he'd feel pathetic but this time he doesn't. He doesn't because it's only him and his Jake hyung. He doesn't because it's his Jake who'd never judge him, his Jake who always treats him like the most precious, lovable thing in the world.
Riki closes his eyes, tries to relax. He focuses on the whiny sound that escapes Jake's lips as he tugs Riki's boxers down, focuses on the way the older's hands feel on him, on the freeing sensation of cold air hits his bare skin. He has dreamed of this moment, imagined it countless times as he laid on his bed, hands where they shouldn't be when thinking of his best friend. Except it's more, so much more than he has anticipated. It's heat engulfing him, it's unexpected sweetness that leaves him with a sour aftertaste. But he's not going to think about it now. That's a problem for post-orgasm Riki.
Jake is unceremonious at best.
He's messy and so eager and Riki's brain can't think of anything other than the wet, surprised, chocked sound Jake makes as he takes him in his mouth. Because he doesn't wait, doesn't waist any time. Which seems to be a prominent trait of his, Riki notices.
Riki's mind is fuzzy and all he can focus on is Jake. Jake on his knees, so impatient. Jake hollowing his cheeks to excitedly suck Riki's cock like it's the one single thing he wants to do for the rest of his life.
It's only when Jake's mouth slowly slides off his cock to take a breath that Riki comes down from his high. He notices that he has been silent this whole time and that Jake is now looking up at him with wide, pleading eyes and a pout that only accentuates the way his lips are red and swollen. It's a breathtaking sight, and if Riki were a selfish man, he'd take his time to relish in the moment, to stare at Jake so needy for his attention. But he's not, and so he caves in. Gives his hyung what he wants, like always.
The small gasp that comes out of Jake's lips when Riki puts a hand on the nape of his neck, grabbing the short strands of hair there, is a delightful confirmation. It makes Riki loose himself completely in the moment, it makes him tighten his grasp as he guides Jake's head back down with raw confidence.
This time, Jake isn't in an hurry to get him off. And Riki feels like maybe the older is punishing him, in a way. Jake's movements are slow, deliberate as his tongue swirls around the tip of Riki's dick, spit pooling at the corners of his mouth and dribbling down.
It's so much, too much. A wave of embarassment washes over Riki because of all the times he has imagined this, he'd never thought he'd look hopeless, already leaking precum the moment Jake touched him and so frozen. He thinks it's that same embarrassment that spurs him to engage more, enjoy this because it might be the only chance he gets with Jake. Impossibly unreachable Jake who is on his knees, tongue out, eyes closed, for him.
There's a familiar heat pooling in Riki's stomach, except this time it hits him harder, warmer, fuller. He's not sure why. Why he can feel all of his muscles tighten almost painfully, why he can feel every little spasm of Jake's throat as the older takes him in fully. Still, he doesn't get enough time to worry about it since he finds himself muttering something that isn't quite understandable. Something that sounds a lot like "i'm close", a small, low plea that Riki himself isn't sure makes any sense at all.
Jake doesn't seem displeased, rather, he happily hums around Riki, pushes his tongue flat against the underside of his dick with just enough pressure to make the younger's breath hitch in his throat. Riki can feel the sound reverberate and it sends him that much closer to the edge, makes him jolt his hips forward.
It isn't long before his orgasm hits him. It's everything, overwhelmingly so. All at once. His knees are weak, trembling and, as he tries to recover, he doesn't dare look at Jake. He feels vulnerable, almost scare to break the little ecstatic bubble that has engulfed him until now. Scared to face the man who's been nothing but obliging to him.
It might be his only and last chance to see Jake, his Jake who he's wanted forever, like this. It's with that thought that he finally finds the courage to let his gaze trail down to where Jake is, he looks at him through heavy, half-lidded eyes. It almost feels like a religious experience, something Riki wishes to hold onto forever. A sight like no other that of Jake on his knees, hands propped on Riki's thighs, eyes still closed in bliss, lips puffy and red and saliva mixing with Riki's come as it drips down his chin. Jake opens them. Beautiful, watery, brown eyes and Riki feels his heartbeat stutter.
He's not sure how the absolutely elated beating of his heart, the frantic pumping of blood in his veins and the jittery feeling all over his body translate to longing. But they do. He opens his mouth to speak but he finds his throat has dried, his breath has shallowed to tiny, slow puffs. Meanwhile, Jake seems to have no intention to speak as he deliberately wipes his chin with the back of his hand. And Riki's stuck between wanting any sort of explanation he could get and feeling small, insignificant, cold. Alone now that Jake has backed away from him, averted his eyes and focus.
He looks serious, Jake. He adjusts his clothes, combs through his hair with slender fingers. Takes his time to look around, makes himself at home in Riki's room. The younger has to remind himself that this is Jake's house too. That the older lives here as well, because now it feels different. So different than it had done all the times in which Jake had been in Riki's room before. It feels more intimate, after what they've done. As if it's Jake's first time actually seeing, acknowledging Riki's presence in his life, in his spaces. And maybe Riki is sentimental, maybe he overthinks everything, still he can't help but feel a shift in their dynamic even if he's not able to pinpoint the exact reason for it.
It's not the blowjob, he knows that much. Or rather, it's not just that. It's something deeper, something that has nestled itself in the concavity of Riki's bones. Something that makes him want to climb up Jake's torso, his chin, enter his mouth and live in the back of his throat. It's something akin to rain in autumn, quiet and soft but incessantly spreading through him.
Neither of them speak. Jake is rather relieved, calm, a stark contrast to Riki's frantic movements as he scrambles to raise his boxers. His nervous fingers go to button his pants in an attempt to feel less open, he breaths heavily. He's not sure what comes next, what he's supposed to do or say.
He takes a small, uncertain and shaky breath. Clears his throat. His lips part to speak but he hesitates. What does he want to say, exactly? He's once again speechless in front of Jake, Riki's used to it by now. It seems to be part of their dynamic. Jake unbotheredly acts like himself and a completely enamoured Riki falls silent, unable to comprehend the effect the other boy has on him.
But something has shifted, he reminds himself. Jake has made a step, a offering in his direction and Riki has taken it without asking for the reasoning, too scared to waste a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He's not sure what propels him to act then, maybe it's the realisation that he doesn't want this to be something casual, something to tick off Jake's bucket list and forget. Or maybe, it's a surge of maturity on his part, he's not a child anymore. A testament to his, previously discarded by the members, statements about newlyfound adulthood.
"Is this it, then?" his voice comes out less assured than he'd like, but he shrugs the feeling off, presses his back further into the wall as if to try and find some semblance of safety.
Jake seems caught off guard, like he didn't expect Riki to speak. Like he thinks he can just take whatever he wants without resistance. Like he has some kind of right over Riki. Which is true, in a way. If Jake so much as asked, Riki would have given himself body and soul.
Jake clicks his tongue, arches an eyebrow. He looks like he's resisting the urge to scoff.
"I like you, you know?" is what he says. Not much of an answer, really. Not the answer Riki is looking for, at least.
Riki should be over the moon. He should smile and maybe even kiss Jake. But he doesn't. He feels his stomach empty, his throat dry up. I like you. He repeats the words in his head while everything around him seems to go in slow motion. Jake is staring straight at him, an expectant look in his eyes, arms folded over his chest in a protective manner.
It clicks, for Riki. How Jake has always been caring and nice and sweet to him. How Jake has been like that without even noticing. Because he's here now, in front of Riki after having satisfied what he has thought of as nothing more than simple urges for all this time, and he's acting like a mere i like you is enough.
It hurts, the way Jake says it. I like you, you know? Like a defensive cat ready to hiss and arch his back. I like you, you know? Tone flat, deadpan, as if he's humouring Riki. I like you, you know? Like he doesn't mean it.
And yet, Riki knows Jake cares. He cares. But he's not sure Jake is ready to admit that to Riki, or himself for that matter.
Riki can't do that, can he? Guide Jake towards that realisation, the truth that what has happened isn't the result of his sex-deprived life as an idol but rather something deeper. He wishes he could.
He averts his gaze. He can't say anything, and even if he did, would it really amount to anything to Jake?Still, Jake's body had seemed to betray his mind in the way he had touched Riki so gently. Riki is fine with taking that, for now, small wins.
He's so lost in his own thoughts that he doesn't even notice Jake has run a hand through his hair, fixed his clothes as he looked at himself in the mirror, and is now in front of the door, a hand firmly on the handle. It's only when he hears the click of the door opening that Riki snaps his head in Jake's direction.
But even then, he doesn't speak, just parts his lips in a silent plea. Don't go. Make this right, please.
Jake doesn't, make things right that is, he just nods his head and walks out of the room leaving the door ajar and Riki to wonder where to go from now.