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Sometimes when he’s overwhelmed by everything his life has become, he sits in the shower. Not for very long. He starts to feel guilty about using up the hot water, about being useless. He’s a freshman now at University of Texas at El Paso. Sometimes he thinks about that and isn’t sure how. It’s his life, he feels sure in that now but sometimes it’s as if he’s forgotten a step or two he took.
Dante got into Texas A&M. He thought about going to Berkeley or maybe to the University of Chicago, he spent a long time with his head in Ari’s lap trying to figure out where he wanted to go. Ari stayed quiet through it all, he isn’t like Dante, he never aimed for those big name schools, the ones that created people who changed the world. Dante is a person who can change the world, Ari is just Ari. He’s never going to change the world, sometimes he isn’t sure how he’s managing to change his own life.
It feels like enough to be close to Dante, to watch him on his journey.
Except sometimes, like right now, hiding under the burning spray, Dante is too far away. Their entire thing is just constantly on pause as they wait for summer. He wishes it was always summer.
He drags himself up and out, stumbling into his room to sink into bed. His homework is done, he still sits at the kitchen table to do it. The difference now though is that his dad will sometimes sit beside him when he’s home from work, sipping a beer, no sound between them but the sound of Ari’s pencil and the swish of paper as his dad flips through the newspaper. Sometimes there’s muttering, as his dad reads something about Bush.
He wishes Dante weren’t so far away. It’s not like Chicago, but it’s the other side of Texas so might as well be just as far. They had only just got used to the idea of doing more than kissing when it was time for another summer to end.
-
He decides to drive to Dante, it’s about ten hours so he leaves early on a Saturday morning since his parents won’t let him skip his Friday classes. When he gets there, Dante is sitting outside his dorm building, bent over his sketchbook. He doesn’t even seem to notice when Ari pulls up but he notices when Ari comes over to stand above him. Dante flinches now when someone gets that close, he immediately feels guilty.
Dante is already smiling though and leaping to his feet. “You really came!” He throws his arms around Ari, it’s too public to anything more.
“Of course I came,” he says quietly into Dante’s shoulder. “I missed you.”
“You’re using words, Ari,” Dante says just as quietly but he holds on a little tighter.
“I always use words.” Reluctantly he lets go. For a moment they stare at each other, neither saying anything to break the silence, heavy with everything that hasn’t been said in a letter or on the phone. So much they never figure out how to say.
“I know a good place to watch the sunset, it’s not the stars but really hard to find a good spot out here. It’s not like El Paso.” Dante looks so hopeful, he’s still so expressive after everything.
“It sounds perfect.” It’s infectious, the way Dante’s smile lights up his eyes. Ari’s realizes he’s become a sucker for that smile. Maybe he always was. He gestures back towards the truck and lets him lead the way to it. Once they’re inside with the doors closed and Ari’s hand on the clutch, Dante rests his hand on top of his. Dante feels his cheeks flush.
“Alright so come on, start driving.” He slouches down in the seat, propping his feet up on the dash and tapping them impatiently. Ari rolls his eyes but puts the truck in gear. “Don’t roll your eyes either.”
“I did not.”
“Yes you did. But it’s ok, I still love you”
He glances at Dante when he pulls up at a red light and finds that Dante is staring at him. Ari quickly looks away, unable to handle how much Dante feels. It makes Ari feel like he’s falling every single time he looks back. They drive for what feels like forever and at the same time, like no time at all. Ari could stay there forever with no sound but Dante’s occasional instructions, the warmth of his hand a solid weight on his.
Dante stops them at a hilltop that oversees the campus. They climb out of the truck to settle on the bed. Somehow they end up arranged so Ari is on top of Dante, his head pillowed on Dante’s shoulder. Dante’s arms are strong and muscular from swimming which Ari has always noticed but it feels like something more now. “I missed you,” he says again.
“Prove it.”
Dante’s grinning down at him so he quickly sits up to kiss him.
“You’re going to miss the sunset,” Dante mumbles, but doesn’t make any attempt to push Ari off.
“Guess we’ll have to come back here again.” He knows without looking it's not as good as the stars though. But it was Dante’s idea to come out so reluctantly he turns, his hand finding Dante’s.
“Have you decided what you want to study yet?” Dante asks as the sun lights up the sky in purples and oranges. Dante already has, he wants to study art. He thought about English but hated how he would have to analyze everything which was the worst way to read in his opinion. Ari has had a harder time. Nothing has really caught him to make him feel like it’s the right choice. His parents try to help, his mom gives him Suggestions with a heavily implied capital ‘s’. “It’s ok,” Dante says. “I’m going to become famous and sell my part for tens of thousands of dollars and be in museums around the country and I’ll take care of you.”
Ari snorts. “You’d be willing to be the one working?”
“It’s not work if I enjoy it,” he scoffs. “Honestly, you and my dad. Do you conspire together about this?”
“Yea, all the time.”
They fall silent, watching the sky darken, the colors becoming richer before they start to disappear into the deep blue of the rest of the sky. It is beautiful, different from the stars, but still beautiful. As it starts to edge towards truly dark out, Ari moves, his knees protesting at being still for so long.
“Are we heading back?” Dante asks, sounding so quiet and small.
He looks over his shoulder at him, still settled in the bed of the truck. “We can’t sleep here,” he points out. It gets a pout from Dante but he knows it’s true. They make their way to the cab of the truck but Ari hesitates from turning it on. He gets why Dante didn’t want to move, going back feels like an ending.
“My roommate isn’t around this weekend. You are going to stay with me, right? You can’t drive back to El Paso tonight, I won’t let you,” Dante starts saying, getting fed up with the silence first. He grins and leans in towards Ari across the clutch. “We can hide under the covers so I can kiss you.”
“Kiss me where?” Ari feels his cheeks grow hot but Dante is left speechless for a moment so he refuses to feel ashamed about being forward. He could kiss this boy forever and he wants to learn more ways to love him.
“I’ve never...you know- with anyone,” Dante whispers like a confession, eyes fixed down refusing to meet Ari's. As if Ari didn't already know that, as if Dante would ever have managed to keep that secret from him over the years.
“You know I haven't either.”
Dante smiles slow and shy and kisses him softly. “I want to kiss you everywhere.” He leans back quickly not that Ari can even move after hearing that.
He swallows hard and quickly gets the car started. It’s time to get back now, back inside into Dante’s bed.
-
Ari reads over Dante’s latest letter between campus. He’s already read it twice but he keeps on reaching for it. It makes Ari blush but then Dante has always been more open and comfortable with talking about his body than Ari and now he’s talking about Ari’s body.
It makes him feel beautiful. He wishes Dante were closer so he could try to return the favor, he’ll have to take another weekend, he doesn’t have to wait until summer.