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Ivan blinked at the ceiling, its barren white bleeding through him.
He hadn't slept for three days and he was starting to wonder if those little dots on his ceiling were real or just hallucinations from lack of sleep. They kept moving when he tried to look at them closer, so he wasn't sure how to take that.
Nonetheless, he had to get up. There were places to be and people to see. Songs to sing and aliens to impress— all that daily stuff he does.
At some point, he started wondering if humans actually needed sleep. Of course, he had been tired yesterday. It was hell on earth to keep on fighting his eyelids open. Even worse when he actually laid down it was like the ability to sleep was ripped right from his grasp.
He didn't feel that bad. More like an adrenaline junkie on a high that wasn't possible to come down from. Maybe it was a manic episode. He could ask his providers about that later.
The halls of Anakt seemed longer than he remembered, more winding and easier to lose himself in. He pushed forward, looking around quizzically.
Like a saving grace, two girls showed up behind him, urging him to follow along. He had to wrack his brain for a second before recalling their names: Mizi and Sua. He was really losing it, wasn't he? Forgetting people's names seemed bad, wasn't it? Was it really that bad even if he ultimately remembered? Probably. Who knew?
"Ivan, have you been sleeping well? You look exhausted!"
Mizi spoke as she pulled Sua along, her pitch of voice scraping his brain in a way that it did not need to be scraped.
He wondered if Mizi's hair had always been that long, just like the hallways. Or if she really needed those glasses she wore. Sua's gaze looked prying. Was she staring at him like that? Since when had they stopped?
Oh, that's right. She had asked him a question and he had forgotten to reply, how rude.
"Ivan?" She retried, turning on her heel to face him. Sua held onto the girl's arm as her other hand reached up to poke his face.
"What."
He had completely forgotten what she had asked him. Was it something about Sua? Where was Sua? She was in front of him, right? Why were the walls moving? Was this a new feature they implemented for them? Oh, and the dancing dots were back. How fun.
"Ivan!"
The small black-haired girl snapped at him, which brought his attention back if only halfway.
On second thought, he wasn't feeling too great. His weight felt uneven on his feet no matter how many times he shifted it and his eyes kept unfocusing. He still hadn't answered them. How many times did he ignore them? The second, right? Or was it the third?
"You look like hell,"
Till said. Wait, when did Till get here? How long had Till been there? Ivan's knees felt shaky and he wondered how much longer he would be able to hold himself up.
Till looked oddly nice in this light. The light hurt his eyes, actually. He took it back. No one looked good in this light. His head was pounding in his ears and just barely caught on to the fact that he was being dragged away.
It was difficult to tell who it was, but their grip was firm and unwavering. Mizi wouldn't have such a grip and he was sure Sua wouldn't even touch him. Just barely, he could see gray in between the blurry parts of his eyes.
He couldn't tell if his brain was on autopilot or if he had to force his body to keep moving. There was a very fine line between the two that he could no longer see but everything felt like it took immense effort.
"You're an idiot."
Who said that? Where was he again? Anakt halls, right? Was that Till? Yes, it was. The presence felt familiar. Why was he being dragged? Where were they going?
"I'm tired."
He found the words slip from his tongue mindlessly, which Till just scoffed.
"Obviously. How long has it been since you've slept?"
Three days. That was a lot, right? Did his guardian ever tell him to sleep every three days? Had he always been like this? He couldn't remember, he just wanted to sleep.
"Ivan. Hours? Days? How long? When did you sleep last?"
He broke his words into bite-sized pieces, probably hoping it would make it easier for his brain to digest.
"3."
Till raised an eyebrow, sparing a glance back.
"Minutes? Hours? Days? What."
His grip on his arm tightened. It felt like they had been walking for all of eternity.
"Days."
The voice in his throat felt like it wasn't his own, like some stranger was inside of him. Was there someone inside of him? Was it an alien? Oh God, he didn't want someone inside of him. He wanted them out. Why were they there? This was his body, not theirs. He didn't want to share.
"Stop thinking. You are by far not cut out for it. You're going to sleep."
At least Tills voice was easy to focus on. It wasn't high-pitched or annoying or easy to ignore, it was smooth and oh, there was warmth in his chest.
He was too tired, he decided. The floors looked oddly comfortable, easy to sleep on. Should he just stop and lie down?
"Go in."
Tills voice cut through as they stopped, Ivan promptly running into his back. Wow, his reaction time was shit.
There was a hand on his back, shoving him into his room when he failed to start moving on his own. This was his room, right? It looked exactly like his.. why was the bed not made?
So messy. Who would leave their room like this?
"Get in your bed, stupid. You need to sleep."
So it was his, apparently. He should probably clean it before he did anything, it looked overdue for a cleaning. Why was he in here, actually? Wasn't he just in the hallway? Where had Mizi and Sua went?
His fingers messed with the stitching of his thin white blankets as he folded them neatly over the top, smoothing out any wrinkles.
His bed-making was rudely interrupted when he was shoved face-first downward, suddenly buried in the sheets. Lying down felt nice, but he wasn't tired anymore.
"Go to sleep. I'm not gonna say it again."
Ivan blinked. Why was Till in his room? Hadn't he just woken up? Did Till not know he had places to be and people to see? Things felt too familiar but too distant.
No move from Ivan was made and Till sighed heavily.
"Get under the covers."
Till climbed onto the bed, deciding Ivan was too incompetent to do anything by himself at the moment. How useless.
Ivan just stared at him, more than likely lost in endless brain fog.
"I said get under the covers."
His voice was sharp and loud as he grabbed at the collar of Ivan's uniform, the cloth clumping up in his fists as he drove their foreheads together, hard. Yes, Till had just head-butted him but in his defense, the idiot wasn't listening.
"Ow."
Ivan grumbled but this time, he actually got under the covers.
"Lay down."
Like an obedient child, he laid down. It was almost amusing how quickly he had listened. Maybe Tills act of slight violence actually instilled some sense in the boy. That would be a first.
"Sleep."
The boy repeated another command which didn't meet Ivan, this time. Ivan wasn't sure if Till had noticed, but sleep and him weren't friends at the moment. More like enemies. Would frenemies be a better term? No, he didn't think so. Sleep didn't like him at all, so the friend's part was automatically cut out. But Ivan liked sleep, so what about that? Did that count for anything? Did that mean sleep wasn't his enemy? Maybe a rival. Kind of like Till. They were friends, right? Till was trying to make him sleep, and sleep was good for him, so Till was his friend.
The buzzing in his mind flickered to a stop all at once, leaving him in silence. Where had his thoughts gone? He didn't like the silence of his mind, it was creepy. Too creepy. He wanted his thoughts back. How was he even thinking? His brain felt like mush, maybe that's why all the voices in his mind were expelled.
"Ivan I swear to vivinos I will strangle you if you do not shut your eyes."
Oh, Till. He forgot he was here, too. When had Till come into his brain? Or was he real? He looked real.. was it a hallucination?
Ivan's fingers reached out and poked a very real Till, his fingers meeting the boy's skin instead of phasing through or making him disappear. He didn't look happy.
"Holy fucking qmeng I've had it up to here with this. You have five seconds before-"
Ivan shut his eyes. Something about the bickering made him too tired to listen to it. It faded out before he heard the rest of it.
—-
The next time Ivan couldn't sleep, it was after one of the many tests they had ran on them. The aliens weren't happy with his results for a D was way below their expectations.
What could he say? They kept him in that chair for what had felt like hours at a time, odd mechanical wires pulling at the skin of his cheeks. It left them sore and he could barely talk to them about his score.
But in the silence of the night, like an unknown force had drawn them together, Till quietly made his way into Ivan's room.
Ivan was forever grateful because he had already been staring at his ceiling for two hours prior to the interruption and was sure it wouldve carried on until morning if not for Till.
He carried a pillow with him as he shut the door, an almost unreadable expression plaguing his face. A mix of annoyance and acceptance. Annoyed at himself for actually going to Ivan's room, but accepting the fact that he wouldn't be able to sleep, either, if he hadn't.
It was like a silent agreement when Ivan moved over, allowing Till to share his bed. They didn't need words to understand what each other was feeling, and that was the weirdest part.
Ivan didn't know silence could carry so much.
He fell asleep peacefully that night, their legs tangling together under the covers.
—-
By the third time Ivan couldn't sleep, he had already told the providers at Anakt of his problems sleeping despite his better judgment. They tended to think any human with problems, was defective. With Ivan's recent reports, maybe he was going defective.
Not being able to sleep, not being able to smile correctly, feeling weird things towards people he shouldn't— yeah, maybe there was a lot wrong with him.
Nonetheless, they gave him some weird-looking white things that they told him to take before bed. Ivan didn't think they helped all that much because he still ended up staring at the walls and ceilings for ungodly amounts of time at night. The periods of sleep he fell into were short-lived and plagued with odd dreams he couldn't remember after he woke back up.
Sometimes the days he couldn't sleep were consecutive, one after the other until he was exhausted both physically and mentally. Other times, they were scattered throughout the weeks and more difficult to pinpoint. Either way, sleep was becoming a foreign concept to him as he grew.
Even when he was taller, even when his voice was better, it was like the lack of sleep didn't judge. It was maddening. No matter how amazing he was, he still couldn't sleep properly. Not unless he had, a certain someone around- which was embarrassing.
A night or two ago, Ivan had managed to lead him and Till outside of the facility. It was beautiful, unlike anything Ivan had ever seen before spare of one other night.
Even then, it was far better than the one he had seen when he was dangled off the side of a building.
The lights, they were mixes of oranges and reds, the hues vibrant in the sky. He had led Till out there to let them leave. They had been so close to freedom that he could taste it in his mouth. So close he could feel the weight of it in his palms so vividly, it was freeing both figuratively and literally.
But that freedom slipped from his grasp just as Tills hand had.
Till looked back and Ivan didn't need to be a mind reader to know what he was thinking about. Even when he was so close to achieving something he craved daily, his mind still defaulted back to a certain pink-haired girl.
He couldn't blame him, he would never. But sometimes Till became too predictable for Ivan. It was one of the things that drew him to Till in the first place; how unpredictable he was, how he could never quite get a grasp on what the boy was thinking. Still, he was hard to figure out, but there was a pattern to what the boy did.
It all fell back, tracing to Mizi. He knew she was the reason Till had let go of his hand that night, let go of freedom. It was bittersweet, but he understood why.
Till let go so he could go back to the one he loved, just as Ivan had. When Till turned back, so did he. He followed him back like a lost dog. But he would do it over and over again until Till understood why (even if that connection never came).
There were a lot of things Ivan was, but pathetic was not one of them. He told himself that often. Despite his actions, he wasn't pathetic. He still had complete control over his thoughts and actions, and Till did not influence them in any way. It was a nice lie to himself, but he believed it. He believed it because if Ivan was pathetic, then the world was going to hurt a lot worse when it fell.
Ivan's sheets were bundled up in his hands, fists tense as he thought back on the night. He didn't know what he could've done differently to make Till forget about Mizi, but maybe that wasn't possible. Maybe it was meant to be like this.
That thought wasn't comforting because he only had so much time left. It didn't have to end like this, but it was always going to.
His door opened, his eyes flickering over to who opened it. He was more than surprised when he saw a familiar head of gray hair. He still remembered the look of shock when Till had seen him the next morning in the refectory. He had thought he had escaped that night, but there Ivan was the next morning as if he hadn't been so close to leaving.
Till didn't talk to him at all after that. Whether it was guilt or shame, he wasn't sure. Maybe it was irritation masked in the form of frustration. Who knew? It was Till, and Ivan was always stuck between being able to read his mind or being blocked out in every way possible.
So seeing Till at his door, the strangled look on his face, Ivan was concerned. Tills collar was radiating red through the dark as he shut the door behind him and Ivan sat up, sheets falling to the floor as he stood.
The floor was cold, and so was his room. Anakt never seemed to stay at a steady temperature at night time.
"Why did you come back?"
Finally, the lingering question was asked. Tills voice was jagged at the edges, threatening to break. Ivan couldn't place why, because hadn't he done the exact same thing? Till had come back, too. He had no room to be angry at Ivan for choosing the same thing.
"You did, too."
Ivan spoke. It was the obvious answer, but Till didn't seem to agree with it, not at all. Within seconds, he was across the room, grasping onto Ivan's shirt.
Ivan almost laughed because Till was far too short to look threatening, it was almost funny if he didn't look so sad. Ivan felt his lips contort downward at the look.
"I don't care. I decided that myself when I let go. Nothing was stopping you- why did you stay?"
There was no handle on his words, icy and sharp as he asked.
"Does it matter? I stayed and this conversation won't undo it. You let go and went back, so I followed you."
Ivan could feel Tills anger seething through him, but there was also something else. He could vaguely make out tears in the edges of his eyes and that hurt Ivan.
"You're an idiot. You're so stupid. You shouldn't have come back."
"Neither shouldve you."
Tills face faltered for a moment and Ivan was sure he was going to cry, break down, even. Except it never happened.
The shorter just released him from his tight grip, turning away before speaking again.
"Just go to sleep. I know you can't."
Ivan's lips pursed. How had he known? Sometimes he couldn't figure out if Till knew how to read him or if he was just an insanely good guesser. Maybe a little bit of both.
Despite everything, Ivan went back to lying down in his bed. Only the sound of the bedsheets ruffling accompanied them.
It took Till a couple more moments to recover as Ivan stared at the back of his head, but he moved. He followed after Ivan, tense when he crawled beside him. It was awkward, but Ivan couldn't bring himself to care. He would trade the world to be next to him in that moment.
He stayed awake until he heard Tills breathing even out, only then letting himself fall asleep. His dreams were sweet.
—-
Ivan never really told Till he had insomnia or that he couldn't sleep, he just kind of figured it out on his own. It was peculiar, like he knew exactly what nights to show up on.
It was different this time. When he heard his door click open, instead of just Till, two other girls were being ushered into his room, Till quietly told them to hurry up before they got caught outside the door.
The door clicked shut, and Till turned to face him.
“I brought company.”
He couldn't tell if he asked the girls to come along or if Mizi somehow saw him and decided to go with (of course Sua and Mizi always snuck into each other's rooms at night, so Sua would follow either way).
“I see.”
His reply was bland, but what could he say? There were people in his room. They weren't unfamiliar nor unwelcome, but they were unexpected. Ivan didn't like the unexpected, unless it was Till, of course.
Mizi examined his room thoroughly despite being in there countless times before, but never for long. They had never been in his room at night, either.
It wasn't much to look at, the walls barren and lacking any color. It was surely different from theirs because Till usually hung up some of his drawings, mizi had some crayon pictures she had made with Sua and an assortment of flowers or items she claimed ‘reminded her of them’, then Sua had her rewards hung up. Ivan just kept all of his in a drawer because he was a humble king.
“Are we having a sleepover? I want to!”
A sleepover? Ivan wasn't against it. He liked Mizis company. In some way, she was like a beaming light of hope in the small garden. She had something so pure about her that seemed to bring everyone in. Till, Sua, some other people he saw staring at her, even him, in a way.
“Sure.”
Mizi was a good friend, one he valued. As much as he would love to preserve her childlike demeanor, alien stage would ruin it. When the time came, Ivan wasn't planning to win the thing. He would go as far as he could without going up against his friends, then inevitably he would die.
Sua eyed him weirdly, her eyes slanted into a squint just barely. Enough for him to pick up on it. Though the others were none the wiser.
“Is your bed even big enough?”
The black-haired girl spoke, staring at his bed with a dull expression. She didn't look too impressed, but all of the beds were the same. Maybe he could request a bigger one from his owner, though it would be useless.
“No. I can sleep on the floor.”
Mizi didn't look too thrilled at the idea of him sleeping on the floor in his own room, Sua looked indifferent. She probably didn't care. Till was facing the wall??
“Okay, guys. Gather round, we need a game plan!”
Mizi spoke in a half-whisper yell, sitting on the floor with Sua and making a half-formed circle. Ivan just sat down beside them, leaving Till to be the last one joining the circle.
“Game plan?”
Till questioned, raising an eyebrow. What did they need a game plan for? Ivan already said he would sleep on the floor, just let him sleep on the floor. He was sure they would all find somewhere to sleep, maybe not comfortably but still.
Two people could fit in the bed at most unless they wanted to pile on top of each other (which they most certainly did not.)
“Bed can fit two people. We’ve already determined I'm fine with the floor.” Ivan shrugged, bro did not care.
“But you’re so tall, If you sleep on the ground you'll get a cinch in your neck!”
The pink-haired girl looked mildly concerned at the idea, but Till was quick as ever to pitch in.
“I'm sure he already has one from looking down at us all the time.”
Ivan couldn't place if he meant it figuratively or literally.
“Mizi and Sua should take the bed.”
Ivan retold. It was endearing seeing Tills expression morph when he realized he was doomed to the floor as well.
“Really? That's sweet, Ivan. Are you sure? I don't mind the floor, it’s kind of cozy down here.”
“Mizi, if you want the bed, we should take it.”
Suas spoke, voice quiet as ever as she fiddled with a loose hem on her sleeve. Their relationship never failed to surprise Ivan. Even a girl as scary as Sua could be softened by Mizi.
“If theyre taking the bed I guess that means Im on-“
“The floor.”
Ivan finished Tills sentence for him, a weird grin on his lips.
“Are you gonna tuck me in, Till?”
Till stared at him with fire in his eyes before launching himself across their carefully crafted circle, grabbing onto Ivan's shirt collar.
“The only place I'm going to be tucking you is six feet under if you don't shut up!”
He shook him violently for a couple of seconds before returning to his senses and releasing him. He probably remembered Mizi was watching.
“Ugh.. you better not snore.”
Till finally concluded, turning away as he set his pillow on the ground. He knew very well Ivan didn't snore, but he said it anyway.
“I don't snore.”
It was true. Ivan had never snored in all those nights Till had slept in his room. And as far as he knew, he never snored any other time, either.
The girls settled on top of Ivan's bed, tossing Ivan his pillow down and using the cushions they brought themselves. Ivan was lucky Mizi had brought her blanket she and Sua could share. Till and Ivan had to share, which wasn't too out of the ordinary for the two. They had shared a bed plenty, the ground wasn't too different.
Ivan clicked the lights back off, lying down on the floor beside Till. It was cold, but the blanket proved to be of great help, their body heat intermingling.
Despite being on the floor, Ivan was sure he could sleep better on this floor with till than he ever would in his own bed. Even if the floor made his face itch just a little, it was still like heaven in his head.
The night was peaceful as he fell asleep, falling into a sleep littered with dreams he would never remember after waking.
—-
The night was evil, taunting him from the small window just above his bed like a freedom he would never reach. It was cruel.
Alien Stage was a horrible place. All it did was take and take until he had no one left. No one except Till and he planned to keep it that way.
In the first round, Sua had already been lost. Mizi locked herself in her room, inconsolable. He understood why, it was completely justified. He didn't blame her one bit for the despair she felt. The shock had been too much for her. She had never known Sua was going to die, dropping dead on the stage like that.
Mizi, the poor thing. She was clueless to the death game. She had expected to tie with Sua, and Sua had let her believe it. He pressed his lips into a thin line, glancing at his door as if waiting for someone. The atmosphere didn't stir and no one came. He hadn't been coming for what felt like ever, even if the last time he came was the night before round 1.
He watched round 2. How could he not? Then, Till was still going strong. He liked the desperation in the boy's eyes, seeds planted that grew into a low flame of fight. Till had won mercilessly, it was hardly even a fight.
Acorn (or whatever the brown-haired guy's name had been, he wasn't too sure. He hadn't seen him around much except for when he tried asking Sua out, repeatedly) didn't even have a chance. Till was amazing, breathtaking. The round was over before it even started and Till had one through and through.
Ivans own round had been similar as if he were designed to win. Supposedly, he was. He was crafted in such a specific way that he would wipe the floor with anyone here. Of course, Luka, the previous winner, could've given him a run for his money, but he wouldn't make it there. The rounds were set up so that he would go up against Till next. He already knew who was coming out of that alive as per his decision-making.
It most certainly wasn't Ivan.
He blinked, eyes dulling in the darkness. Round 5 was a tragedy. That whore Luka- and excuse his language but that fucking dick baited Mizi into punching him. He had made her freak out by being a conniving, scheming, plotting, ASSHOLE. His blood burned in anger thinking about it.
Of course, he could choose to understand why he did that, but that was below him. So he would continue cursing his name daily.
Mizi had gone missing in that round, which of course, launched Till into a depression. He had never seen the boy look so.. he wasn't sure there was a word to describe it directly. It was like someone had doused his fire, all the fight in him exiting his body. He hated it because that's what made Till himself. It was sickening that someone stopped that.
Except he blatantly knew it was because of Mizi's disappearance. As much as he disliked the fact, Till had.. loved her? He wasn't sure if love was the right term, but it seemed like he did. His face was always painted a deep red around her and he immersed himself in anything Mizi liked. Flowers? Till would make dumb flower crowns. Piggyback rides? Till would offer one (which somehow ended with him being on the receiving end?? how he had managed to mess it up that bad, Ivan wasn't sure.)
Point is, in some way, Till had liked Mizi. Whether it was love, admiration, affection, whatever. She was dear to him, but now she was gone, disappeared from the stage.
Of course, Ivan had felt (Ivan wasn't sure what he felt, feeling was complex and overrated) something close to unsettled. The girl was his friend, just as Sua was, but now they were both gone. Ivan didn't think she was dead, though. Something told him that Mizi was alive, but he couldn't tell Till that. It was a baseless thought that he couldn't trust.
But anyway, round 6 was getting close. Ivan's death was creeping closer than he liked, just around the corner.
It was a sickening feeling in his gut and licking the back of his throat. Like the night before your birthday party where you just can't sleep, but all the excitement is exempt.
Ivan wasn't excited to die. But he was excited to see Till on that stage, the stage he hated so much. He would die there tomorrow, but at least he could die with the last thing hes seen being Till. He guessed he was fine with that. Till was one of the first things he saw in the garden that he remembered, how fitting he could be the last, too.
The clock ticked, time never pausing. He wasn't tired, he was anxious. There wasn't one ounce of tiredness in his forsaken body. There wouldn't be one last night of sweet sleep, no dreams he could hang onto before death.
There was nothing except for the cruel silence of his dark room that felt too stuffy, too suffocating despite the only furniture in there his bed and even smaller nightstand.
He didn't fall asleep because that would've been the universe going too easy on him. Too nice.
The outside grew bright and before he knew it, it was time for the round to begin.
He hadn't slept that night, as Till never wandered through his door or found himself misplaced in Ivan's room.
Unbeknownst to Ivan, Till hadn't slept, either.