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You sighed, staring at your phone. Four months. It had only been four months. The stupid bright red landline was a blaring reminder of tonight; your heart squeezed at the memory of the conversation you had just a few days ago. He had been gone on tour, leaving you in your heartbreak, your sleepless nights eventually fading after three months. The pain was beginning to subside to a dull ache. Of course, as soon as the wounds began to heal, he wandered back into your life. It wasn’t like you were strong enough to say no. Despite the anger you tried to build up, all you felt was the gut-wrenching sickness of unrequited love. Of yearning. You looked back at the mirror in front of your desk, adjusting your makeup.
It’s a mistake.
We shouldn’t meet.
Not at Enzo’s.
You ignored the nagging voice in your head, your heart tugging at the idea of those soft brown eyes. The glint of his silver rings. Your hands shook as you grabbed your bag and bit your lip. You dressed up, sure. But it was just to make him realize what he lost. At least, that was what you were telling yourself.
You headed to the door, glancing around your sad and lonely studio apartment, swearing to yourself you’d come back alone.
But your heart knew it was a lie.
You walked up to the counter at Enzo’s, gave the name on the reservation, and eventually sat. You ordered a bottle of wine despite the voice in your head scolding you as to how bad of an idea it was. You sat there, feigning confidence, despite feeling like your heart was out in the open. You sip on the alcohol, recalling the last time you and him were at Enzo’s.
You were meeting his Uncle Wayne, and everything was going swimmingly. Up until he suddenly was leaving for a meeting with a producer, claiming this was ‘the one.’ You two ended up in a screaming match outside the restaurant, and he left you in the pouring rain. Wayne drove you home, apologetic over his nephew’s outburst.
You’re pulled out of the memory when a waitress comes over, asking if you are still waiting for the rest of your party. You look up, heart sinking. Of course, he was late. You nod, a sad, soft smile on your lips as you recheck your watch. The waitress gives you a sad but knowing look and leaves you be. You wait a few more minutes, sighing when it reaches thirty minutes. You’re about to leave money for the wine and leave, standing up, when a teasing voice rings through the air.
“What, couldn’t handle the idea of seeing my ugly mug again?”
You looked up, heart-stopping in its tracks. You had hoped that after all the ugliness that ensued, you would see his true colors. He’d be hideous to you. But of course, he wasn’t. His eyes were mischievous as ever, a warm shade of brown that filled you with fluttering nerves. His grin was as boyish and charming as usual, his dimples clear as day. His hair was up in a bun, messy curls framing his face. Unlike the old Eddie you knew, he wore appropriate clothes for Enzo’s and not ill-fitting borrowed button-ups from Wayne. He had an expensive watch on his wrist, a subtle marker of the changes in his life.
You smiled softly, knowing the action didn’t meet your eyes. It couldn’t. You couldn’t push down the way your heart soared at his familiar rasp, his mannerisms as he sat down, and even his stupid jokes. It hurt how you knew; you knew he had a restless leg angled out from under the table to not shake it.
You shouldn’t know so much about someone who should be a stranger.
You should leave.
But you don’t.
Eddie is nothing but charming. He buys a bottle of expensive and sweet white wine, then offers to pay for your dinner. You let him despite your gut telling you not to. He was still every bit of a storyteller, describing in detail every crazy thing that happened on the small tour. He gives updates on Corroded Coffin’s latest projects. You drink it all in, the alcohol loosening your mind and maybe your control.
Two hours later, you were still seated at the table, leaning into his every word, wishing you were here under different circumstances. He kept randomly interjecting on your gorgeous appearance, and your inebriated mind started believing his words.
You were giggling at a story he’s told about Gareth fainting at the sight of a fan’s boobs when Eddie’s face suddenly turned sincere, and he reached for your hand. You let him grab it (foolishly), eyebrows furrowed at the change in his demeanor.
“You know…I sincerely fucked up, doll. And I don’t think I ever said it…but I’m sorry. You truly deserved better.”
You blink at him a few times. Your heart seems to tug at your mind, dragging it toward Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. You smile a sad smile and wave him off, trying to be stronger than you are.
“We both made mistakes. It’s fine.”
He smiles softly at you, his eyes a bit sad, as he shakes his head.
“Yeah, but I lost the treasure. You.”
He laughs humorlessly, swirling the wine in his glass, clearly taking up after the Californian producers he was around these days, seeing as old Eddie rarely drank anything other than cheap beer.
“All because I was a fucking coward and couldn’t admit I loved- love…you.”
He looked up at you through thick lashes, his cheeks pink. Your heart felt ripped in half. Your eyes watered as you bit your trembling lip and looked away, breathing slowly. The breaths are shaky.
Eddie grasped your hand and tugged you out of the seat, leaving an absurd amount of cash on the table and helping you to the door. You felt yourself melt into his familiar touch, and your soul weep. God, you had missed the warm touch and the smell of his spicy and sweet cologne, the rumble of his laugh against your back…
He holds your hand, walking with you around town. Somehow, he makes dingy Hawkins shine so much brighter. You walk the old town square, leaning against him as he softly talks to you, voice whispering how much he missed you. You mumble back the secrets you swore you’d never spill. How much you missed him. How proud you were of him. How you were worried he would replace you with some leggy blonde in California. He laughed at that one, pecking your forehead.
You shivered in the cold Hawkins night breeze, knowing that it was not that cold, and Eddie had already draped his leather jacket over you, and it was a mistake because it would lead to-
“Wanna get out of the cold? You could show me your cute little studio.”
That.
You entered your sad apartment, still tipsy and stumbling against Eddie. You turned on the lights and feel your cheeks heat. It was embarrassing how raw this place made you feel. Eddie could see your bed…your kitchen…your bathroom. You suddenly were aware of how dangerous this was and tried to turn to Eddie to maybe give an excuse for how tired you were.
He was looking down at you, eyes full of longing, gaze on your lips. His voice was strained as he kept fighting to look into your eyes, but his own continued to drift down.
“Can I kiss you?”
You bit your lip, your stomach flipping as your heart twisted in pain, but you felt in your bones that you wanted nothing more in the world. You nodded weakly, giving in.
Eddie crashed his lips to yours, his hands cupping your face. He kissed you like he needed you for oxygen like you were intoxicating. And god, if you didn’t crave it. If you didn’t melt, bring your arms around his neck, tugging at his roots and making him moan. He continued to kiss you, and every time he pulled away for a breath, he left you breathless. He wrapped his arms around your waist, continuing to kiss you and eventually peppering kisses down your neck, mumbling how much he missed you. You whimpered and pawed at him, eyes watering. You wanted nothing more than this. This was home to you. His touch. His gaze. His warmth.
He backs you up into your bed, hands under your dress and touch burning you. He leans in to kiss you when you put a hand to his chest and pant, stopping him. He looked concerned before you gazed up at him, knowing you were opening your chest and leaving your heart vulnerable to any damage. You didn’t learn.
“Make love to me,” You whispered, voice thick with emotion.
Eddie’s gaze softened, cupping your face and leaning in to press his forehead to your own. He nodded wordlessly before kissing you and touching you gently, lifting your dress over your head. His lips were everywhere, gentle yet bruising kisses, marking you his. He mumbled how much he loves your thighs, your stomach, your shoulders…He softly touched and kissed you before letting you take off his shirt. He quickly removed his own pants to focus on you, muttering praises and making holes in your heart with every sentence.
“You’re so gorgeous.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“I’m sorry I let you go, love.”
“I love you, I love you, I love you. I’m sorry I was too much of a coward to say it before.”
By the time he’s entered you, you’re crying softly as he kisses away tears, still muttering ‘I love you’s and holding you tenderly. He thrust into you at a slow but toe-curling pace, his forehead against you as he praised you, telling you how perfect you are for him, how good you feel, how he was stupid to let you go. You clutch at him, crying and muttering back, kissing him again and again, your heart twisting in your chest, the heartbreak unbearable.
You felt an overwhelming sensation of heartache, pleasure, and yearning all build up, your tears flowing faster as gasps and moans leave your mouth, Eddie’s breath against you, his lips at your neck. He continues to mutter how good you are for him and how good you feel, your body trembling beneath him at the confessions. Eventually, the two of you reach a high, your cries warbled in a raw throat, his grunts growing more animalistic and desperate. You felt the pressure build-up, stuttering out declarations of love over and over. Eddie chased your high with his own, tackling your mouth with bruising kisses and whispered affection.
You felt him finish in you, the familiar feeling of fullness and his release making you shudder. You laid there for a moment as he collapsed on you, staring up at the ceiling with a blurry gaze. You felt as though you were back there, briefly, before it all went downhill.
Eddie got off of you slowly, delicately kissing your nose before pulling out of you, the two of you collectively whining at the loss of contact. He got up, headed to your bathroom, and returned with a warm and damp rag, cleaning you up gently. He then threw the rag in the bathroom sink, headed to your kitchen, and grabbed you a glass of water as you shakily got up to use the restroom, heart racing. You returned to the bed, and he held the glass for you, letting you drink as he softly caressed your hair.
After a minute of quiet yet soft gazes and gentle touches, Eddie pulled on his underwear, crawling into your bed and holding you. Your heart felt like it could soar, even with all the pierced holes. You had felt your breathing slow, and your eyes grew heavy as you were lulled into a sense of security and familiarity you had longed for.
You woke up to your alarm on your phone, eyes fluttering open in confusion. You looked at the bedside table, your alarm clock flashing in the dim room. The sun was just peaking through the windows, the light making you slowly wake up. Your memory was jolted with the reminder of Eddie, Eddie, in your bed. But as you had stretched, glancing over to the other side of the bed, it was empty. You sat up slowly, head swimming with confusion and heart sinking increasingly by the minute.
You glanced around before seeing the note left on your coffee table. Still naked from the night before, you get up, wrapping yourself in a robe, before grabbing the letter. You open the paper, hands shaking at the first sentence, the rest of the words swimming as a sob escapes your throat, your gut twisting as the familiar pang of heartache joins you once again.
I’m sorry.
Six months pass, holidays come and go, and friends are cautious to be gentle with you. You never told anyone what happened that night, but figured they knew. You knew it was obvious how you avoided magazines with his face plastered on them and ignored the posters and billboards for his latest tour. Dodged any reminder, including avoiding Wayne Munson’s regular Tuesday grocery trips in Hawkins, even though it required you to use more gas, as Hawkins only had one grocery store. You were extra cautious.
It was spring, the flowers blooming, and the weather was warming up. Your heart wasn’t healed by any means, but you were slowly shaking off the numbness and pain. You had been invited to Robin’s birthday, deciding to go despite the inkling feeling that something may go wrong.
You showed up at the Harrington house, and Steve greeted you with a warm hug. He ushered you into the backyard, tables set up, and people mingling. Robin tackled you with a hug, making you laugh, the sound still unfamiliar in your own ears. She was wearing a goofy paper crown that Will had made out of paper mache, the small detail making you smile.
You walked around, greeting everyone and hugging them. You were grateful that you didn’t see a familiar mop of brown curly hair, knowing he was probably busy promoting the debut album and first international tour. You slowly loosened up a bit more, chatting it up with Nancy and joking over the kids (who are now in college) and how much they’ve stayed the same despite the years. Your heart feels a little lighter.
You’re sipping on some punch with Nancy and Robin, laughing at Dustin and Mike tackling each other, their antics amusing you. You felt your heart sink when you heard a gasp, and your eyes caught a flash run through the backyard to tackle the two younger boys, the laughter clear as day. Your chest squeezed, and you turned your back to the scene, excusing yourself to the restroom.
You walked as fast as you could, breathing picking up as your body trembled. You entered the downstairs bathroom, hands clutching at the counter and biting your lip to keep it from shaking. You couldn’t fathom why he was here or who invited him and knew it was selfish to run off like that. It was Robin’s day. And you had shown up knowing he was still friends with some of your friends. You knew Nancy and Robin had been upset with him regarding the nasty breakup, but Dustin worshiped him. And you knew Steve had probably invited him, polite and friendly. No one except Nancy and Robin knew about the breakup and what happened; the ordeal was too painful and embarrassing to retell.
You breathed in and out slowly, trying to calm the wavy breaths. You needed to show him you weren’t shattered without him. That you weren’t broken to pieces. You splashed your face with cold water, thankful for the waterproof makeup you were sporting. You stayed in the bathroom a few minutes more before heading out to the backyard, ignoring him. You walked towards El, sitting with her and talking about her classes, smiling as she described her University, ignoring the intense gaze across the backyard.
You walked around, chatting and keeping your gaze away from the culprit of your heartache. You were quick to excuse yourself when he showed up to join whatever conversation you were in. By the end of the evening, you were exhausted, and your wounds were fresh. You hugged Robin and waved to the rest, heading out, thankful now that you had walked. You could maybe get some fresh air and-
“Wait.”
The hair on your neck stood up, and you turned, unable to ignore the man before you. He was more filled out, with hair in a low bun and curls less messy. New black lines joined faded ink, and his clothes seemed to fit him better. Gone were the hand-me-down clothes and small-town boy. He was still devastatingly beautiful. His eyes were smudged with black eyeliner, and a few piercings decorated his ears and nose, really elevating his look. You swallowed, faking a smile.
“Oh. Hi, Eddie.”
He gave a sheepish smile, cheeks tinged pink. “Can…I mean, can we go for a walk?”
Your smile faltered as you felt your brows pinch together, nerves picking up. “Well, I don’t-”
“Just a walk. In the small park by the middle school. I know how much you love the willows over there.”
You swallowed, trying to will the words ‘no’ out of your mouth but look at his eyes. Those brown, warm, and welcoming eyes. They were pleading. They were…your deathbed.
“Ah…Al-alright. Sure.”
He beamed at you.
You were walking together at the park, being quieter and more cautious this time. Eddie continued to charm and dazzle you, but now your wounds were better guarded. He seemed to pick up on this and frowned, brown eyes full of hurt and guilt.
“Y/N?”
You smile weakly at him, looking up politely.
“Yeah?”
He turned his entire body to you and sighed, eyes sorrowful. So…soulful.
“I- I’m sorry I fucked up. I… I thought I was doing what was best for us both. I’m a horrible man and never around, and I always leave you hanging and so- I mean, I know it’s not an excuse- But the letter- I’m sorry. I should’ve been less of a jackass. I just-” He runs a hand down his face and sighs, looking at you with sincere eyes.
“I’m a dick. I’m sorry.”
Your smile faltered. Fuck. It would’ve been easier if he ignored it. You could fester, pout, and be angry if he missed the mistake. You could walk away. You could-
“It’s fine.”
“It’s not,” He insists, eyes sincere and glassy. “I’m… I’m trying not to become my dad. I just…I lose my mind around you. You’re so beautiful and enchanting and…I always want you, doll.”
The rasp in his voice. The need. The…absolute…weakness…of you. You look up at him and smile sadly, eyes stinging with unshed tears.
“I always want you too, Eds.”
You shivered and looked up at the willow tree you two were beside, the carved wood familiar. It’s your tree. Eddie walked up, his smile bittersweet, tracing your crudely scratched initials and heart. He looked 10 years older.
“Remember this?”
You held yourself, memories flooding your brain. You tried to avoid digging a more prominent grave, knowing this would lead back to your bed again with one wrong move. You simply nod. Eddie retraced the heart, voice distant like he was chasing the memory.
“We were 16. You swore no boy would ever like you…which was ridiculous because you were adorable. But anyway…you swore they wouldn’t. And I said, ‘Why don’t we get them to pay attention? You’re off the market now! They’ll come running like dogs!’. I was, of course, lying. I just wanted to pretend you felt the same way. So I carved into this tree, making you laugh and shake your head. And it only took stupid Tommy Delwood asking you to prom two years later for me to finally get the guts to tell you I wanted the stupid tree to not be a lie.”
Your stomach twisted at the story, lip trembling. Of course, he’d tug at your heartstrings. Of course, he’d rip off your faux armor. You were crumbling with every word, every memory of what once was.
“Of course, I continued to be a coward and idiot. And…ever since losing you… I came to this tree. Everyday. Why? I don’t know. Maybe to remember an easier time. Maybe to wish I never broke your heart. Maybe I wish I never had you so I wouldn’t know how badly it hurts to lose you. I just… This is the one place that keeps me going in Hawkins.”
He looked at you, tears streaming down his face, eyes rimmed red. Your heart shattered, waves overtaking your eyes, and bitter pain filled your lungs. He smiled weakly, biting his lip.
“I’m… I’m sorry. I want to get better. I want to be better for you. That’s why I keep leaving. I’m trying to work out issues with this therapist and fix all my shitty habits and problems. I know it’s unfair, and I’m weak and keep… coming back. But I need you. I- I understand if you don’t want to see me anymore- just…give me some time?”
You felt your heart rip violently, your tears a constant flow. Thorned roses tightened around your veins and lungs, sharp tips ripping into flesh and muscle. Your lips tried to tug up with no success.
Eddie sighed in reply, pushing off the tree. His eyes were sad, and his body slumped an inch shorter. He smiled weakly.
“Let me walk you home?”
Eddie and you walked home in relatively silent steps; the only sound on the journey was your faint breaths. You reached your studio, frowning at how dark it is, the town of Hawkins eerily quiet. Against your best judgment, you open your door and let Eddie in. You don’t realize your mistake until he sits on your couch, eyes still tinged with red as you hand him a coffee just as he likes. He takes the four sugars and one cream coffee, sipping slowly. Your heart seemed to be puppeting your mouth this time around.
“It’s dark out,” You mumble.
“Y/N,” Eddie warns, eyes swimming with caution and guilt.
“You left your truck at Steve’s. He’s probably asleep.”
“Y/N,” Eddie sighed, running a hand down his face and voice strained.
You turn around and head back into your bathroom, starting to get ready for bed. Eddie’s still sipping on the coffee when you return, eyes rimmed red and glassy. He avoids your gaze.
“I don’t want to hurt you. Even if I want you… Even if I need you.”
You nod and turn out the light suddenly, getting under your covers. You smell Eddie’s aftershave and feel his arms wrap around you.
“Only a cuddle, okay?”
You nodded, breathing slowly. Maybe you were stronger.
You found yourself under Eddie minutes later, panting and clawing at his back as he pounded into you over and over for hours. He was kissing your cheeks and lips, rambling his love for you over and over, holding you tightly yet somehow tenderly. He kept making you see stars. By the end, you felt sweaty and spent like a hole in your chest was exposed.
Eddie was kind as always, cleaning you up and smiling, his demeanor less sorrowful. You two cuddled until you fell asleep and lulled off into a dreamless rest.
You woke to empty sheets, and you felt lifeless.
No note.
No goodbye.
You were a fool.
One year later, you were in California. It was fall, and the absence of the dramatic change in leaves made your stomach twist with longing. You were here for new beginnings. No more walking the graveyard of your relationship with Eddie. No more following your family blindly and being a people pleaser.
You had left in the dead of night, driving across states, surviving off of cheap dollar menus at the drive-thru. You knew Eddie spent most of his time in California, but the state wasn’t Hawkins. It was big enough that you would likely never see each other.
You could pretend like you were healed but the wounds never set right. Scars were left over your heart, and small holes were in your armor. You couldn’t hang out with any of your old friend group; too much connection to the man who ripped you to shreds. Robin and Nancy shunned Eddie and never brought him up, but you knew that wasn’t fair to them. They shouldn’t be in your silly drama regarding your love life. You distanced yourself until you left, only leaving a note to let them know you were safe and leaving for California’s warm breezes.
You had settled into a small beach town in southern California, the breezes cool and the sky blue. You were staying in a tiny house, lacking your personality. But you took it day by day, visiting shops and cafes nearby, taking long walks on the shore. Some days, just sitting by the beach and writing in a journal. You had no phone. No friends. You were a blank slate.
You were working at a small bookshop, satisfied with the slow pace of life. Some days, you’d sit full of numbness, lonely in your seclusion and voluntary exile. But then you remembered how little you knew of yourself. You couldn’t remember what life was like before him.
Your favorite color was the shade you thought looked best on Eddie. Your favorite movie was the one you’d seen together on your first date. Your favorite book was the one you had spent time and time again recalling to him. Hell, even your favorite foods or hobbies involved him in some way. It wasn’t his fault. You’d let yourself be consumed by him. He was a brilliant star, and you were engulfed in his shadow, even as young teens. You just wanted to relearn about yourself.
Sadly, fate was a cruel mistress.
You had made a new friend, a girl at your job who was bubbly and sweet and loved alternative music. She was quick to try and pull you out of your shell and take the ‘sad, mopey mystery girl’ to a show near Los Angeles. You agreed despite your gut telling you no.
Ironically, Eddie wasn’t part of the concert.
On your way back from the trip, you bumped into the new shiny celebrity that your ex-lover had become. You were scanning the shelves for a snack at a gas station with your new friend and her boyfriend. You reached for a bag of sour gummies (your favorite), only to have your hands brushed by another, only much more calloused and masculine than yours.
“Oops! My bad,” A chuckle rumbled from his chest.
Your heart sank quickly.
You’d recognize him anywhere, no matter how raspy or grown the voice sounded. You kept your gaze on your shoes, dropping your hand and trying to turn away; you mumbled out an ‘it’s fine,’ hoping he didn’t recognize you.
He stopped in his tracks.
He grabbed your hand, turning you gently as he lowered the sunglasses covering warm brown eyes. It didn’t matter that he had on sunglasses, a bun with a bandana covering his signature curls, or even that he was at a gas station that was a speck on a map. He was still him.
“Y/n?” He asked, voice raw with emotion, eyes swimming with sorrow and longing.
“Steve told me you disappeared. Just left a note, and… no one’s heard from you. I visited. Couldn’t get anyone to tell me where you’d gone- I…,” He swallowed, eyes glassy as he continued to look you up and down. You felt the first bout of fear, sorrow, and desperate longing that you swore off months ago. You were glad for the emotions, but…you almost wanted the numb loneliness and hurt to sink back into your bones. You didn’t think your heart could take another wound.
“I, I just can’t believe you’re here… Ar-are you okay? Is everything okay? I-” He stopped his rambling momentarily, breathing and sighing, soft tears rolling down his cheeks. Your heart squeezed as your mind raced.
No. No. Not again. We cannot do this again.
“I…Can we go get coffee or somet-something? Everyone’s worried sick and- I know I don’t deserve- but…,” He was wringing his hands and fidgeting with his rings, a nervous habit he had since he was a teen. “I just-”
Your heart was racing as you smiled sadly. You felt your mouth open as you willed the words out, your insides twisting in sorrow and your heart seeming to sink below the ground. But somehow, your mind took control. For once, you left him speechless.
“It’s never just coffee, though, is it?”
Eddie stared at you in shock, eyes knowing and shoulders slumping as his tears flowed still, brows pinched. You smiled sadly and waved softly, heading out the door with your friend and climbing into the car. You leaned your head against the window, staring at the rundown building, Eddie staring out the window through the aisle. Your heart seemed to sink deeper as your stomach twisted, but some of you felt lighter.
No more mourning. No more giving everything to get nothing in return.
You were on your own. But you were free.