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“So, should we end it here?”
Kurosawa’s words were not fully registering in Adachi’s brain. All he could think of was the look of Kurosawa’s face, a unique combination of his usual kindness laced with unfathomable sadness, and something icy and sharp started twisting inside of Adachi’s stomach.
He took a shallow breath, tears welling up in his eyes, telling himself do not mess this up, you cannot mess this up! This was too important, Adachi would not let his head ruin the best thing that has ever happened to him.
“I…” he started shakily. “There is something else you need to know. And it might make you want to leave.”
Kurosawa’s response to that was all over his face, as if he could ever let Adachi go voluntarily! His expression was so transparent, in any other situation Adachi would have to laugh. But being in the middle of a self-induced emotional crisis, he kept his head down and continued without noticing all the signs that could indicate how wrong he was in his gloomy predictions.
“Losing my magic was not the only reason I freaked out just now, when you tried to kiss me,” Adachi blurted out, barely audible. A long silence came after that.
Kurosawa, still basically kneeling in front of Adachi, gently lifted his chin to make their eyes meet. He looked concerned, but mostly just curious.
I am so ridiculously in love with you, how could you think there’s anything in the world that would change that?
Adachi took a deep breath and continued. “It’s not just my unattractiveness that made me a wizard.”
Hearing Adachi refer to himself as unattractive made Kurosawa gasp, but otherwise he made no comment, letting Adachi go through his confession at his own pace.
“I honestly didn’t even mind that people weren’t interested?” This came out more like a question than a statement. “It was easier that way, because I was never really feeling anything that would make me wanna act on it,” Adachi dropped his head again, playing nervously with his hands.
“I know the touching and the sexy stuff are important to you, I saw you thinking about it. And here I am, saying that I’m not into it… Do you see the problem now? And sure, I’m also afraid of losing my magic and not being able to understand your feelings anymore, but it’s more than that. Regardless of the magic, I just… I don’t want to cross that bridge, not with you, not with anyone else,” Adachi finished, visibly deflated, as if his vital force left him the moment he spoke his final words.
And then the room fell silent. And Adachi wouldn’t know this, still staring at his hands and refusing to acknowledge anything around him, but Kurosawa’s face became a real-time kaleidoscope of rapidly changing emotions, before he forced himself to calm down and express something resembling neutrality.
“Adachi…” Kurosawa hesitated, not really knowing how to start.
“It’s fine Kurosawa, I understand. You don’t have to feel sorry for me, or guilty, or any of those things. This is on me and you shouldn’t feel bad about it.”
“Kiyoshi,” Adachi’s name came out almost as a breath, but in his ears it sounded like a gunshot. They were not at that stage yet where Adachi would be used to hearing his first name spoken by Kurosawa, and the sensation was electrifying.
“I would like you to focus now and listen very carefully to what I’m about to ask you,” Kurosawa sounded like a teacher explaining something very basic to a stubborn child. “Can you tell me exactly what it was in my thoughts that made you think I want to have sex with you?”
Adachi froze, his cheeks turning hot. He continued to look anywhere but at Kurosawa when he gave his answer.
“Not to get too graphic, but you did picture me coming out of the bath, wearing your pajamas, and waking up in the same bed. Among other things.”
“So to clarify,” Kurosawa’s tone meant business. “There was never any actual sex involved in the visions you saw?”
“Yes, your honour, but that’s kind of besides the point, don’t you think? We all know what happens before you wake up in somebody’s bed!” Adachi finally met Kurosawa’s eyes and honestly, he felt a little offended with how relaxed and playful Kurosawa’s expression was, considering the situation.
“Does it not tell you something, dummy, that in all my years of pining after you not once have I imagined anything steamy between us?” Kurosawa’s tone was outright mocking now, Adachi realised.
“I’m glad at least you’re having fun, Kurosawa.”
Kurosawa’s face changed momentarily.
“No, Adachi, you’re misunderstanding. We honestly have to work on your people reading at some point, both supernatural and the regular kind,” he sounded exasperated. “What I’ve been trying to say is that I don’t need it .”
Adachi seemed confused by that.
“What don’t you need?” This time he was looking intently at Kurosawa, as if trying to see into his soul. Which, he could actually do, if he wanted to, but that’s neither here nor there.
“Sex, Adachi. It’s not something I need, it’s not even something I like. You have absolutely nothing to worry about.”
“But wait!” Adachi was twisting himself into knots over this. “But in your thoughts, it looked like you wanted to…” He wasn’t even sure how to finish that sentence.
Kurosawa moved closer to Adachi and dropped his head to rest on Adachi’s lap. Now he was the one avoiding eye contact.
“I’m not gonna lie, I do like touching you,” he started slowly. “And not just because it’s a direct line from my brain to yours, however that’s also an added bonus.”
Through their point of contact Adachi could feel this overwhelming sense of love coming from Kurosawa, but there was something more hidden underneath. A bit of hesitation, and even something darker. Was he afraid?
Adachi placed his hand on Kurosawa’s head in silent encouragement.
“I enjoy being close to you, Adachi,” Kurosawa continued. “I can only imagine I would also enjoy exchanging kisses and sleeping next to you…” Kurosawa could feel Adachi freeze at the mention of sleeping together. “Not like that, dummy.”
“Who are you calling a dummy, I’ve honestly had enough of being insulted like that,” Adachi tried to sound annoyed, but he could feel he’d missed the mark by a long shot.
“In conclusion, dummy… ” Kurosawa smirked at the playful tug of his hair. “In conclusion, I am happy to spend the rest of my life with you in any capacity you’d like. We can set some rules, we can do periodic checks to make sure we’re still on the same page, we can revisit and adjust things as the time goes. Or not. This is completely up to us.”
Kurosawa looked incredibly smug, as if he negotiated world peace or some other equally grand treaty, and not a no-sexy-times agreement between himself and his boyfriend.
Adachi was not as happy with the result, though.
“May I remind you what you’re actually agreeing to? This could potentially mean that I will be able to read your mind forever . No privacy when we touch, for the rest of your life. Are you really ok with that?”
Adachi was trying to make Kurosawa see some reason, but as he progressed with his explanation, Kurosawa’s face got brighter and even more radiant.
“How are you not phased by that??”
“You just said we’d be together for the rest of my life,” Kurosawa’s heart eyes were honestly ridiculous. ” Forever . Sounds like the best deal I could make, Kiyoshi.”
“Look who’s the real dummy, Y uichi . That’s a terrible deal.”
“Could you please say my name one more time? Or a million more times?” Kurosawa’s hopeful expression turned sour when Adachi laughed into his face.
“Let’s not overdo it, enough is enough for now,” Adachi hesitated briefly, before placing a shy kiss on Kurosawa’s lips. “How about this instead?”
If one could get an aneurysm by sheer force of happiness, Kurosawa would be dead right at that moment.
“You’re such a dork, Kurosawa, I swear,” Adachi laughed at his reaction. “How could I ever think you were cool at all?”
“Beats me," responded Kurosawa. “We can dissect your poor judgment of people some other time. Right now we should focus on more pressing matters.”
“Oh, like what?” Adachi felt like he knew where this was going.
“Like pressing our faces together some more, I’m told it’s very urgent,” Kurosawa was trying very hard to remain serious, but the mischievous look in his eyes betrayed him.
“My god, Kurosawa, you’re so lucky you’re cute,” Adachi rolled his eyes and let himself be manhandled into a sofa for an extensive makeout session.
He tried to ignore the new poem that was being composed in Kurosawa’s mind as the evening progressed.
He mostly succeeded.
(it was called My Forever with Adachi Kiyoshi. A Poem by Kurosawa Yuichi)