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Night one of camp and you can’t sleep. That is nothing new. You always have trouble sleeping the first few nights; it takes you a while to get accustomed to your new surroundings. It’s 1.00 am, everybody went to bed hours ago and you’re wandering the hallways, your hands tucked deep in the pockets of your sweatpants, hood of your sweater over your head and ear buds [plugged in.
You always look forward to camps with the national team. Every member of the team is like family to you and you treat them as such. You feel that this is going to be the camp where you’re going to get that starting position you have been fighting for. Sure, everybody on the team deserves a starting position but you’ve been working your butt off, both on and off the pitch. This is going to be your camp, this is going to be your year; you just feel it. You’re going to prove everybody that ever told you that you can’t make a career in soccer wrong.
After thirty minutes of roaming the hallways, your eye lids are starting to feel heavier and you head for your room. Once you turn around the corner, you see a tall figure sitting down on the floor, back leaning against the wall, head down. You immediately recognize her by the way her shoulders are hanging down as if robbed from all the pride they once held. You noticed her shoulders have been doing that a lot lately. You quietly approach her.
“Hey Hope,” you say just above a whisper. Her head shoots up, obviously startled by your presence. You see her relax once she realizes it’s you. She lets her head hang down again.
“Hey Kell,” you can barely make out the words. Her voice is filled with sadness and she sounds broken. This is not the Hope you know. You sit down and join her on the floor, your knees tucked to your chest, mimicking Hope’s position.
“You can’t sleep either?” you ask, trying to make small talk.
“No, I guess not.” She looks up at you and you’re shocked by the way she looks. She looks terrible; her face is pale and she has bags under her eyes, her eyes are red and puffy, probably from crying. You’re not going to point it out though. If there is something you’ve learned after all those years playing with Hope is that you never point out her weaknesses. Ever. As if crying is a weakness, but to Hope it is. So you shut your mouth and just enjoy the quietness, until you hear soft sobbing coming from the woman sitting next to you. You’re not going to ask what’s wrong. You know that if she wants to talk about it, she will and pushing Hope is only going to drive her away. All you do is put your hand on her knee as if to say that you’ll be there for her when she wants you to be.
And you are. You have always been there for Hope. You two have a special bond that really started developing when you went from being a forward to a defender. You two spent extra hours and hours on the field outside of practice. Hope taught you everything you needed to know about being part of the department of defense. And you’re grateful for that. She put so much time and effort into you and she always believed in you, always had your back when you messed up and always was there when you needed someone to pick you back up when you were feeling down. Now it was your turn.
“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but know that once you’re ready I’ll be waiting right here for you. Well, okay maybe not exactly here in this hallway in this particular spot. I mean a girl’s got to eat too or take a shower every once in a while.” You try to lighten the mood and judging by the faint smile forming on Hope’s face, you’re doing a pretty decent job. It’s a small smile, but it’s there. You mentally give yourself a pat on the back.
“Thanks, Kelley. Thanks for not pushing me.” She says seriously but still with that smile on her face.
“You’re welcome, Solo. And I mean it. I’m here for you.” You give her knee a small squeeze. You stand up and want to help her up by sticking out your hand for her to take, but she doesn’t take your hand.
“Come on, Hope. Even bad angry goalkeepers need sleep.”
“I’m just going to hang out here for a little bit longer, but you can go to bed if you want. You need your sleep for when I’ll be giving you a hard time on the field tomorrow.” You want to protest, but you see the look in her eyes. She needs some alone time, some time to figure things out. And you are willing to give her that time.
“Sure. I’ll leave you to it. Goodnight, Hope.”
“Goodnight, Kelley.”
You walk away, feeling a bit guilty for leaving a team mate like that and before you can open your door to the room you share with your roommate Ali, you turn around and head back to Hope. She shouldn’t be battling her demons on her own. She has been doing that for way too long now. Batman has Robin and Hope has you as her sidekick. Within seconds you’re back in the hallway. You take the same position you had been in just moments ago. Hope looks up, surprised to see you.
“Kell, go to bed. The team is already going to have a tough friendly tomorrow against Canada with a sleep deprived goalkeeper. The last thing they need is a tired defender.”
“No matter what you say, I’m not leaving you behind in this dank hallway and throw yourself a pity party. A pity party still has the word party in and is it really a party if I’m not invited? If you don’t want to talk about what is going on, that’s fine. We can just sit here. I don’t mind, really.”
She looks at you with her piercing blue eyes and subtly nods. You can see tears forming in the corners of her eyes again. You straighten your legs and pat your lap, inviting her in. She lays her head on your lap and you absentmindedly start stroking her hair. It only takes a few minutes before you hear her breath even out and you know she has fallen asleep.
She won’t be asleep for long. She wakes up every 15 minutes or so, quickly getting up, breathing fast to see if you’re still there. Once your eyes connect, you see her calm down and lay her head on your lap again. You take her hand in yours and rub on the back of her hand with your thumb. And when she finally falls back to a restless sleep, you know it is going to be a long night. But there is no other place where you’d rather be.
"I won't leave you behind" You promise Hope in a quiet whisper. You know she can't hear you ut you just needed it to be said.
Somewhere in the night, you drift off too and you’re woken by a cleaner who apparently thinks it’s a good idea to vacuum the hallway at 6 in the morning. Hope still has her head on your lap and you’re still holding her hand.
“Hope.” You quietly say. You feel guilty for waking her up when she is finally sleeping peacefully, but you have to. The both of you have to get out of this hallway before the team wakes up. Your teammates would start asking questions if they find you here. And Hope doesn’t need questions right now. She has already trouble enough with dealing with her own questions.
“Hope, you have to get up. Morning practice is in two hours and our friendly is in 8 hours. Take a shower and meet me at the breakfast table.” She murmurs something inaudible but obliges anyway. She gets up, eyes squinting from the light of the sunrise coming through blinds. Her hair is a mess and her eyes are still puffy. Without another word, she heads for her room. You head for yours.
When you take out your key and open the door, you tiptoe to your bed. You’re under the covers moments before Ali wakes up. You sigh, hoping you could fit in 15 minutes of sleep before Ali would wake up. No such luck.
“Kell, get that lazy ass of yours out of bed and get ready for breakfast.” Ali says and throws a pillow at your head. You squirm a little before getting out of bed. “Geez, why do you always sleep so much?!”
If only Ali knew.