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“It’s snowing.” Shinji said softly, with a smile. Flakes stuck to the balcony railing outside of Kaworu’s small studio apartment.
“Hmm?” Kaworu looked up from the book he had been reading, Anna Karenina. He loves the classics, Shinji thought warmly. Both men sat on Kaworu’s bed—one of the few pieces of furniture he owned—propped against the wall with cushions. Shinji faced Kaworu, legs draped lazily over his boyfriend’s lap, his cassette player in hand. Today’s listening was Handel’s Messiah .
“I said it’s snowing, look at the balcony.” Shinji reiterated, gesturing to the windows.
“So it is,” Kaworu looked back at him with a smile, “I believe this is our first time seeing snow together, want to take a walk?”
Shinji was far too warm and comfortable to face weather cold enough for snow, despite his love of winter. Though they began seeing each other romantically at the beginning of the past semester, they had hardly been able to see each other more than a handful of times over the last few months. Being on winter break now, all Shinji wanted to do was laze around Kaworu’s apartment, each enjoying the other’s quiet company.
After Shinji’s hesitation at the suggestion of a walk, Kaworu bookmarked his page and set the book aside. He crawled up beside Shinji, sitting in the coziest corner of the bed, and nuzzled into his neck, one arm snaking around his abdomen to hug him closer.
“Yeah, me neither.” he said in answer to Shinji’s nonverbal response. Though they had been getting more intimate over the past few months, Shinji still felt his heartbeat pick up speed at Kaworu’s touch. The smell of his shampoo, the softness of his skin, the tickle of his fair lashes on Shinji’s clavicle. He’s just so perfect! Shinji thought giddily. He bent his head down and kissed the top of Kaworu’s head.
After a moment of sitting in comfortable silence Shinji whispered into his partner’s hair, “Kaworu?”
“Mm?” the other man murmured into Shinji’s collarbone.
“Will you play for me?”
Kaworu craned his neck to look up at Shinji with a smile, “Always.”
Though he’d agreed, Kaworu seemed reluctant to leave Shinji’s warmth. Slowly, he got up and made his way to the piano he kept adjacent to his bed. Though it was a small electric keyboard, nothing high tech by any means, it was equipped with the standard 88 weighted keys and a comfortable bench to sit on. Kaworu sat and patted what little space remained on the bench, gesturing for Shinji to join him.
“You know me, I love an audience.” Kaworu grinned as Shinji left his cassette player on the bed and took the seat to Kaworu’s left.
“What am I playing for you today, darling?” he asked, staring at Shinji with wide, over-exaggerated doe-eyes.
“Hmm...Liszt?” Shinji offered. Liszt’s music and style of playing notoriously whipped his audiences into a frenzy dubbed “Lisztomania” at a time where screaming and throwing personal effects at a musician was unheard of. Kaworu grinned, “You just want to see me sweat, is that it?”
Before Shinji could rebuke his partner’s teasing, Kaworu had already begun Liszt’s La Campanella , a mischievous piece that started with a delicate introduction. A soft and shimmering texture of repeated high notes, sounding almost like the ringing of bells.
The piece was quite technical, rapid trills in the upper registers of the instrument, accompanied with steady, rhythmic deeper notes, often in wide intervals. Kaworu’s left hand jumped between the deepest keys at the far left of the piano to the middle ones, as his right danced over impossibly complicated phrases in the higher register with ease.
Kaworu had been playing piano the second time they met, although really their first meeting had been so brief Shinji hardly counted it as their introduction. Whenever he could, over the past year, he would ask Kaworu to play for him. Not only was Kaworu a masterful pianist, but his music had also been able to drive away Shinji’s constant anxious thoughts that were forever gnawing the edges of his consciousness.
However, Shinji had become increasingly aware, since they started seeing each other, that he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Kaworu’s hands. While he’d previously enjoyed watching the pianist’s hands and facial expressions as he worked the keys, Shinji had primarily found himself closing his eyes and drifting. Allowing his consciousness to float along aimlessly with the music.
Now, however, he noticed how adroit Kaworu’s fingers were. How each digit was able to move of its own accord. How he pressed the keys with just the right amount of pressure. It was all so...erotic.
Before dating Kaworu, Shinji hardly even thought of sex. Sure, he masturbated on occasion, but it was mainly because he felt it had been a while since he got off. Rarely did he ever feel a need or desire for sexual gratification. Compared to his roommates, Kensuke and Toji, who seemed to salivate over every woman with a pulse, Shinji had never really looked at another person that way, man or woman.
Until Kaworu of course.
And even then, it took him a long time to realize what those feelings were. Even longer to accept that they were for a man. And now? They had been intimate twice so far, both were fully clothed, sloppy dry humping sessions leaving them breathless, sticky, and raw in all the wrong places. Not that he was complaining, though Kaworu clearly had a higher sex drive than him, that didn’t mean he hadn’t been into it. He had been VERY into it.
However, he felt strange being turned on by Kaworu’s hands, like he was defiling his partner’s gorgeous music with lewd thoughts. While he tried to believe that Kaworu did indeed love him, even the ugly parts of his personality he tried his best to hide, he was still plagued with the same familiar anxious thoughts. If he finds out you’re thinking such disgusting thoughts about his hands he’ll never play in front of you again, a little voice whispered.
He tried to tear his eyes away. Kaworu’s hands were adeptly playing even the most challenging portions of the piece, as it built to its dramatic climax. He could feel his erection growing in his pants, length awkwardly pressed inside his right pant leg between fabric and thigh.
He shut his eyes. Just calm down, he urged himself, but his body was betraying him. He couldn’t chase away the thought of those skilled hands running lightly over his bare chest, Kaworu’s eye lashes tickling his jaw as he kissed his neck, pale fingers trailing circles around his hardened nipples before making their way down toward—
“Shinji?”
He didn’t even remember when Kaworu stopped playing. How long had he been sitting there, eyes closed, trying not to lean into his salacious fantasies?
“Oh, uh, sorry I got...uh. Sorry. You sounded wonderful, Kaworu!” He couldn’t look his boyfriend in the eye. His erection was still creating a noticeable bulge in his right pant leg, if Kaworu looked down there would be no way to play that one off.
Kaworu frowned at him and leaned in closer, “You look a bit flushed, are you feeling alright?”
“Y-Yeah I’m fine! Just a bit warm I think, I’ll take my sweater off.” Shinji proceeded to start unbuttoning his cardigan with shaky hands, but Kaworu was still leaning in with a concerned look on his face. He reached out with his right hand, to feel Shinji’s forehead, and his left down to brace himself on—shit.
Kaworu had rested his left hand to balance himself on Shinji’s right thigh as he had leaned in. The thigh that had a throbbing erection glued to it. The erection Shinji had been desperately willing to go down, to no avail. Kaworu looked down at the bulge he had accidentally laid his hand on, then back up to Shinji, red eyes wide as saucers.
“O-Oh! Um,” he quickly pulled away, sitting upright, “W-Why are you...you know?” His pale skin flushed bright red with embarrassment.
Shinji silently prayed that, if there were a God out there, Shinji would become their most ardent and devoted follower to ever live, if only he could be whisked away from this moment. Swallowed by the floor or abducted by an oni , anything. But nothing supernatural happened. Instead, Shinji buried his face in his hands, flushed now from both embarrassment and arousal.
“Dammit! I’m sorry Kaworu, I—I’m not trying to but every time you play for me these days...” he cried out with a muffle, “I just, I can’t stop thinking about your hands. Ugh, I’m disgusting!”
They both sat there for a moment in awkward silence, Shinji didn’t lower his hands from his face, he couldn’t look at Kaworu right now. He didn’t want to see his partner’s usually gentle face, twisted with disdain at his pathetic about-to-be ex boyfriend.
“...What exactly do you find appealing about my hands?” Kaworu quietly asked. Shinji chanced a peak at his partner’s face through his fingers, he couldn’t read the expression. He slowly lowered his hands and stared into his lap.
“Well,” he bit his lip. He wasn’t accustomed to just confessing his kinks with abandon. “Your fingers are just...so skilled. They’re long and slender. The way your hands are able to move so fast and nimble like that. It’s really...” he trailed off. This was simply too much, too embarrassing.
“Just please don’t stop playing for me, okay?” he said, suddenly turning to face Kaworu. “I love when you play for me, I love HOW you play. I’ll control my thoughts, I promise. Just, please, Kaworu.”
His boyfriend stared back with an alarmed look; he seemed almost offended.
“Shinji I...I would never stop playing piano for you. Even if I didn’t like the idea that you thought my hands were,” he swallowed, “...attractive. I would still play whenever you asked. I love that YOU love to listen to me.” He took Shinji’s hands in his, with an earnest smile.
“And for the record I...like that you think about my hands like that. I know I’m the hornier one of the two of us,” he laughed, “but knowing you think about me like that, it’s...really hot.”
Shinji didn’t know what to do. It seemed like Kaworu was hinting at something more with that last line, but maybe he was reading the situation wrong. What if Kaworu was trying to put him at ease but he actually didn’t appreciate that Shinji had a thing for his hands? If the shoe were on the other foot would Shinji like it?
Then again, he thought, Kaworu says he loves me, all of me, that I don’t have to be so afraid of rejection with him. Maybe... he removed a hand from Kaworu’s grip and slowly moved it up to his neck, shifting his body to be a little closer to his partner on the bench. He hadn’t yet taken initiative sexually yet, but right now? His erection might’ve softened but the need was still very much there, the desire for release.
He slipped cold fingers behind his partner’s neck, gently gripping his nape, pulling him closer to his own face. Kaworu let out a sigh, allowing himself to be pulled. His eyes grew heavy, lips parted. God, he’s perfect, Shinji thought as their lips connected.
Their kissing started slow and languid. Breaking every few seconds, looking at each other with half-closed eyes, going back in for more. Kaworu put a hand on Shinji’s chest, another ran through his short black hair, tangling itself in the strands. Shinji’s free left hand reached for Kaworu’s right hip, to pull them even closer.
The kisses became more insistent, and soon Shinji had opened his mouth to allow Kaworu’s tongue to slide over his. Kaworu sighed softly as Shinji explored his mouth, gripping and pulling Shinji’s hair slightly, eliciting a gasp.
After a minute or so of wet, slightly sloppy kisses, they were both growing impatient. The aching need to be touched lower taking over.
“Bed.” Shinji muttered between kisses. Kaworu rose and stepped back over the piano bench, Shinji following, his eyes fixated on his partner, lips parted with desire. At the edge of the bed Kaworu suddenly grabbed Shinji’s collar roughly and allowed himself to fall backward, pulling his partner down too.
Shinji collapsed on top of Kaworu with both a laugh and a moan at the sudden pressure of Kaworu’s desire on his own. He rolled his hips into the other’s as he leaned down to kiss him again. Kaworu moaned into his mouth as Shinji rolled his hips again, Kaworu’s nails digging into his back. More. I want to hear more of him , Shinji thought dimly. He rolled his hips again and his cock pulsed uncomfortably against his thigh as he awkwardly rubbed against his partner’s, desperately seeking friction.
After a few minutes of humping, wet kisses, and soft moans and “mmhmm”s, Kaworu's hands found Shinji’s chest, gently pushing him away. Shinji looked down at his partner, as if for the first time. White unruly hair pointed every which way, pale skin, flushed and pink around his mouth, and those heavy lidded effervescent red eyes and always seemingly able to see right through him. I want to devour him, Shinji thought lustfully.
But though Shinji wanted to lean down and continue to kiss his partner, hear his surprisingly low moans in his ear, rub their hardness together, he stopped because Kaworu looked like he was trying to force himself to say something.
“Shinji, can I...try something?” He asked timidly, not able to meet Shinji’s eyes. Shinji smiled and caressed his boyfriend’s face, “Anything.”
With that, Kaworu pushed Shinji’s chest backward, so he was sitting up on his knees, straddling Kaworu’s frame. “Lie down.” he said, and something in his tone shifted, more commanding, Shinji obeyed.
They swapped positions, Kaworu now straddling Shinji, looking down on him with a lecherous expression that made Shinji’s constricted erection pulse. He needed to get these damn pants off. Kaworu smiled, clearly having noticed Shinji’s arousal in this position. He slowly began to undo the buttons of Shinji’s cardigan while maintaining eye contact.
The mood in the room shifted, from playful and inexperienced exploration to something else, something far more carnal. Profane. Shinji felt his cock pulse again and was pretty sure that one carried some precum with it.
“You seem to be enjoying yourself, Shinji. Do you like what you see?” Kaworu asked, voice dripping with eroticism. Shinji’s breaths came shallow, his heart felt like it might break through his sternum with how hard it was pounding.
“Y-Yes.” He barely managed to squeak out. With the cardigan unbuttoned he helped Kaworu pull it off, followed by his plain white t-shirt, tossing the items nonchalantly off the side of the bed.
Shinji lay half naked under his boyfriend, nipples hardened from the cold. He felt slightly self conscious as those red eyes took in every inch of his body. Shinji wished he could feel Kaworu’s erection, was he also aching with desire from this exchange?
“There, much better. Now...” Kaworu quickly pulled off his own sweater before leaning down, pressing naked chest on chest. The warmth of his body was intoxicating to Shinji.
“What gets you so hot about my hands? What did you think about, to get so worked up?”
He kissed the left side of Shinji’s neck, down to his collarbone, up to the other side of his neck. Shinji balled his fists in the sheet beneath him.
“Tell me.” He rolled his hips, grinding their cocks together through the pants they were still wearing, for some reason.
“S-Shit...” was all Shinji could get out.
“That’s not an answer.” Kaworu murmured, and ground his hips down again. They both moaned at the sensation. Why is this so much hotter now?!
“Ah-well,” Shinji began. Another grind, another moan, “You-your fingers. I was imagining your-ah! Your fingers t-touching my...nipples.” Shinji finally managed. He felt a rising embarrassment at that admission that was completely forgotten when Kaworu sat back and gently twisted both Shinji’s nipplies between his middle and index fingers.
“Oh, like this?” he whispered, playfully.
“Ah!” Shinji arched his back; he could feel his boxers were starting to moisten around the tip of his length. “Y-Yes.”
He felt Kaworu’s hands trembling, just a bit, as he teased Shinji’s nipples. Good, Shinji thought, so he’s still nervous too.
Though Kaworu certainly was hiding that anxiety in his voice as he continued, “And then what? What else did you think about my hands doing to you?”
Shinji was going to cum in his pants at this rate. He hadn’t even touched Kaworu’s yet and he was going to cum.
“W-wait, please Kaworu. Th-this is too much.” he whined. Kaworu’s hands left Shinji’s nipples, instead planting themselves on either side of his head as he leaned down.
“What? Are you close already?” he hummed into Shinji’s ear.
“A-Ah!” Shinji moaned, arching his back, trying to press his cock to Kaworu’s.
“I-If you keep touching me like this-” Shinji was interrupted by Kaworu’s mouth on his, hot and needy. He moaned and squirmed, the aching in his crotch was becoming painful. He NEEDED release.
Suddenly Kaworu broke their kiss and sat up, reaching towards the nightstand and opening a drawer.
“Kaworu?” Shinji began, but didn’t bother finishing his thought when his boyfriend sat back with a bottle of lube in his hand.
“Take your pants off, Shinji.” he smirked lustfully.
Shinji blinked, not quite registering what was about to happen. A moment passed before Kaworu, seemingly thinking Shinji’s silence was from hesitancy, added quickly, “I-I mean, unless you don’t want to! We can do other stuff, or stop completely!”
“No!” Shinji blurted out, louder than he meant to, “No, I mean, I-I was just surprised. Can you move so I can get them off though?”
Kaworu moved to stand beside the bed as Shinji struggled to remove his pants and then—he figured if they were really doing this thing they’d come off at some point—his boxers. Kaworu had begun unbuttoning his own pants but stopped once he seemingly realized Shinji had chosen to get fully naked.
Shinji watched Kaworu’s eyes hungrily taking in his body. This was the first time he was completely exposed before his boyfriend, and there was a beat where Shinji felt his anxious thoughts slithering past the barriers Kaworu was seemingly able to erect when they were together. He’s disgusted by you. You’re leaking precum all over yourself and he’s barely touched you. He probably thinks you’re pathetic for being so worked up already.
But instead Kaworu breathed out a “F-Fuck.”, in a rare moment of cursing, before he clumsily removed his pants and boxers as well. As he straddled Shinji, lube bottle now in hand, their naked erections grazed each other and Kaworu’s eyes rolled back as he let out a sharp exhale.
He seems like he’s even more into this than me , Shinji thought with a smile, and his anxious thoughts seemingly receded back behind his mental walls.
Kaworu gazed down at Shinji, an apprehensive expression on his face, as he seemingly was trying to get up the courage to say something. Shinji waited. “Will you...touch...me” he asked haltingly, voice barely audible.
Before Shinji could even respond his cock pulsed, giving away his interest. He was not a huge fan of his body answering things for him visually.
“Uh, yeah but...” Shinji hesitated, “Will you...for me too?”
Kaworu leaned down and kissed Shinji gently, but deeply. Tongue gliding over his own, exploring the underside of Shinji’s tongue, the backs of his upper teeth, the roof of his palate. He felt like he was being devoured by Kaworu, and he loved it. The unbridled lust for him, for someone like Shinji, scratched his brain in all the right places.
Kaworu broke away, whispering, “That was a yes, if it wasn’t obvious.” Shinji giggled at that, and then Kaworu sat up and poured lube into his hand. Clearly, he was nervous because the hand holding the tube squeezed much too hard and the liquid pooled in his other cupped hand before dribbling down through the gaps in his fingers. Cold lube landed on Shinji’s stomach, causing him to shiver involuntarily.
“Sorry!” Kaworu exclaimed, flusteredly reaching for the box of tissues on the nightstand to wipe it up. Shinji laughed again; God he loved this man. Seemingly erotic and in control one minute and then embarrassed inexperienced mess the next. Shinji felt his heart was going to explode from the rush of affection he felt toward his partner.
Once the excess lube was cleared away Kaworu handed the bottle to Shinji and waited. Shinji’s hands seemed to cooperate with him a bit better than his partner’s, and after a moment he closed the bottle and tossed it to the side. Not too far out of reach, however, in case they needed it again.
Both of their erections—softened slightly during this exchange—grew back to their full size as they stared at each other with lustful, anticipatory, eyes. Kaworu began slowly reaching down his lubed hand towards Shinji’s cock, and Shinji followed suit, toward his partner.
They both made contact with each other, eliciting panting gasps. One nice thing about doing stuff with a guy is I already have a leg up in knowing what to do , Shinji thought with relief, as he quickly spread the lube over Kaworu’s length. He shuddered as Kaworu did the same. Then, they began to pump their hands, following a similar rhythm to each other’s up and down motion. Slowly at first but picking up the pace as they got more comfortable with the motion.
It was a...strange sensation, being jerked off by someone else. Shinji wasn’t sure how to feel about it. I mean, of course it felt amazing, but without autonomy over the hand pumping his own cock he felt...vulnerable.
Kaworu had closed his eyes, panting as one hand worked Shinji’s length, and the other rested on his bare chest. Shinji couldn’t take his eyes off his partner, though that meant he was probably shaving time off how long he was going to last. This was really hot.
“Does it...feel okay?” Kaworu asked through gasps. Hearing his boyfriend’s voice, slightly raspy with desire, combined with an extra fast pump over Shinji’s length elicited a low moan as he arched his back, eyes closing. His grip on Kaworu faltered. His other hand reached for the outside of Kaworu’s thigh, squeezing, digging nails into his partner’s pale flesh.
“It feels amazing .” He replied, coming back to himself and gripping Kaworu’s erection harder as he pumped. The increased pressure brought out Kaworu’s own moan. Shinji, emboldened by his partner’s response, ran his thumb quickly over the head of Kaworu’s cock. “Ah! Fuck, Shinji. Do that again.” he panted, eyes still closed, hand still doing its best to maintain its grip.
Shinji almost came at that request, luckily with Kaworu’s grasp faltering he was able to maintain some semblance of control over his body. Again, he thumbed Kaworu’s slit, feeling warm precum ooze out. Kaworu shuddered over him. “Shinji, Ah! I’m not-not going to last much longer.” He panted between breaths.
Fuck, neither was he.
“Kaworu. Kaworu.” he murmured over and over, like a mantra, as they continued to pump each other's length. Shinji felt the pressure in his groin begin to build, the heat of release imminent. “Kaworu,” he moaned urgently, “Shit, Kaworu, look at me.”
Kaworu opened his heavily lidded eyes, his lips parted, a drop of saliva slowly making its way down his chin, white hair dirtied with sweat, sticking to his forehead.
So filthy, contaminated, defiled by Shinji’s touch.
He was going to cum. The pressure reached its peak as Kaworu vigorously brought him to climax. Shinji arched his back, trying his best to maintain a grip on Kaworu’s cock, only to realize, Kaworu was also cumming. Through closed eyes he felt Kaworu’s cock pulsing rhythmically, recognized his partner’s hot fluids painting his stomach, heard his pleasured gasps, though muffled by the pounding of blood in his own ears.
With a long, low moan he came, hips convulsing erratically as he felt his own hot semen hit his stomach. They continued pumping each other through the aftershocks, until both men began to soften under each other’s grip. Shinji was the first to find his voice.
“H-Holy shit.” Was all he could say. Kaworu laughed, “You’re telling me, as much as I enjoyed our hump-sessions, that was way better.” He leaned over to grab another handful of tissues from the nightstand box, offering some to Shinji to clean up his hand and stomach.
Once most of the fluids had been cleaned away Kaworu laid beside Shinji, tucking himself into the crook of his arm and nuzzling his neck. Kaworu seemed to favor this position, maybe he felt safe under Shinji’s embrace?
“I wonder if it’s still snowing...” Shinji muttered hazily, gazing towards the balcony doors.
Indeed, it was. In fact, there was now about an inch or so of snow piled on the railing outside.
“How about that walk now?” Kaworu asked with a chuckle.
“Abso-fucking-lutely not.” Shinji responded. They laughed and Shinji grabbed one of Kaworu’s throw blankets from the edge of the bed, lazily pulling it over them.
“Mmm, I love you.” Kaworu mumbled into Shinji’s neck, throwing his arm around his waist and hugging tightly.
Shinji kissed the top of his boyfriend's head, feeling the drowsiness of an afternoon nap coming on. “I love you too.” he muttered, before falling into a peaceful sleep.