Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

James Potter has an idea. It just might be the best idea he’s ever had, in fact. He first thought of it in the middle of a luxurious bubble bath filled with eucalyptus scented epsom salts. It was the eucalyptus that sparked the idea, because his best friend Sirius’s little brother Regulus smells like eucalyptus. The idea is simple, really.

James Potter is going to marry Regulus Black.

James and Sirius have always brought out the most mischievous parts of each other, starting back when they were just kids in their first year at their fancy boarding school and continuing all the way through university. They were menaces, accompanied by their two other best friends, Peter and Remus. The four of them became infamous for their mischeif. They were constantly up to no good, always pulling prank after prank after prank. They were legends. Other students would be busy studying or sleeping and they would be planting stink-bombs in unlikely places—which was just as effective as putting them in well populated areas, but stopped them from getting caught.

They would set up the toilets to spray water at whoever flushed them first, make the occasional Rube Goldberg machine to toilet paper a room or drop water balloons on an entire class, that sort of thing. Sometimes they would do something bigger, like the time they put alarm clocks in every single locker and set them to go off in the middle of their least favorite class so they could get out of it, or the time—and this is James’ personal favorite—they took every single piece of furniture out of every single professor’s office (and the headmaster’s) and reassembled them around campus. That one took all night and a hefty sum of money to bribe the security guards, but it was the best money James ever spent.

When they left school, that mischievous energy had nowhere to go anymore. The four of them all got jobs, and Peter and Remus no longer had the desire to try to pull pranks like that. Occasionally one of them will do something small, such as when Pete saran wrapped James’ toilet, or when Remus kept playing the sound of a toaster oven dinging when James was trying to cook something. That one was pretty good, even if it was small. But James and Sirius were not satisfied with that level of pranking, so they did the obvious thing and started a prank war between themselves.

They’ve been out of school for four years, both of them 26 years old, and the prank war is still going strong. However, they’ve had to escalate. They’re running out of ideas, but neither of them are willing to slow down or let it go. Maybe being closer to 30 than 20 has only made them cling harder to it. Maybe they’re both worried that they won’t be able to maintain their friendship if they stop doing the thing that it was initially built on. Or, maybe, it’s just fun. Whatever the reason, James knows that his next prank has to be epic. It has to be more shocking than anything he’s ever done before. It has to be different than just a little joke, something more bothersome than having your entire car covered inside and out in fucking silly string, which was Sirius’s last prank on James. James is out for revenge–hence the idea.

Sirius has not always had the best relationship with Regulus. They were born one year apart, which made it very easy for their parents to pit them against each other as they grew up. They were incredibly resentful of one another until midway through university, at which point Sirius started therapy and realized that he didn’t actually hate his brother, his parents had just made it impossible for them to like each other. He realized that he didn’t even know Regulus, really, and that was when things started to change. Regulus started coming around, he and Sirius would talk and fight and talk some more, and eventually they got on even footing with one another. Sirius is protective of Regulus, he loves him, he wants the best for him–but they’re still competitive, and James is Sirius’s best friend in the entire world. James getting with Regulus in any way would be unthinkable to him, let alone James marrying him. He doesn’t think that Sirius will believe that they’re actually in love, so he isn’t even going to try for that—but that doesn’t matter. It’s funny either way, it’s a big deal either way, and it’s definitely better than the fucking silly string.

His plan hinges on Regulus agreeing to it, which could be a problem seeing as Regulus is staunchly and verbally against James’ and Sirius’s prank war. He always rolls his eyes and calls them ‘immature fucking idiots’ any time either of them pull one, but James isn’t worried about this one. The thing is, Sirius and Regulus have become almost like normal siblings in the past few years, and Sirius loves to annoy Regulus, which Regulus hates. A lot.

This idea is perfect, because it’s sure to annoy Sirius more than anything else that James could possibly think of to annoy him, and James is certain that Regulus wants payback. This prank is also not loud or gross or messy in any way, which gives Regulus no reason to be repulsed by it (unless he’s repulsed by James himself, but James has seen no evidence of that). Furthermore, they can just get the marriage annulled as soon as possible afterward, so it isn’t like it’s actually a lifelong commitment. They’ll just tell Sirius that it is, that they’re actually going to be married forever just to bug him, and wait for a few months so that he believes it before they get the annulment. It’s foolproof. It’s brilliant. It’s the best idea James has ever had.

* * *

“That is the worst idea you’ve ever had,” Remus laughs as he places a wet plate in the drying rack next to the sink.

“No, you just weren’t listening,” James frowns, leaning back in his dining chair, legs crossed under the small breakfast table in Remus and Sirius’s kitchen.

“Oh, I was listening. You plan on marrying Regulus to prank Sirius. It wasn’t hard to understand what the idea is; it’s just stupid,” Remus keeps laughing as he dries his hands off and turns to lean against the counter.

“Why?” James whines.

“Because, first of all, Regulus is never going to agree to it. Second of all, I don’t think it’ll–” Remus cuts himself off, tilting his head as he looks at James, squinting a bit.

“What? What are you thinking? Please tell me you’re coming up with a way to make it even better than it already is. It’s already amazing, of course, but no one thinks like you do,” James sits forward, hands clasped in front of him as if in prayer as he looks at Remus.

“Thank you for the compliment,” Remus smiles, “but I was actually just thinking that I’m gonna stay out of this one. No advice from me.”

“What?! Moony, no! You always help me!”

“Yeah, but this time I don’t think you need my help. It’s the best idea you’ve ever had, right? Why would you need my advice?” Remus smirks.

“Remus, please, at least tell me what you were about to say. I’ll leave you alone after that, I promise!” James begs, shaking his prayer hands to emphasize his desperation.

“Nope,” Remus pops the ‘p’. “You’re on your own. I think you might be right about it being your best idea, actually. I’m extremely excited to see how it plays out,” he smiles, then walks past James with a pat on the shoulder, leaving him to his thoughts.

James would much rather Remus help him, but honestly, he gets it. Remus has been in a relationship with Sirius since their second year of university, but both of them were head over heels for one another long before that. Now, they live together, and both of them have asked James separately for input on proposal ideas. Similarly, Sirius and James both ask Remus separately for his input on prank ideas. He’s constantly pulled into the middle of it despite always seeming like he’d rather do anything but. He usually gets partially blamed for the success or failure of each prank no matter which one of them did it, which isn’t fair, but it is what it is. With a prank of this magnitude, if he were Remus, James would probably want to stay out of it too. Especially given that it involves Regulus, and anything having to do with Regulus is a bit of a touchy subject with Sirius.

Perhaps that truth should give James pause, but it doesn’t. In fact, it only makes him more excited about the potential for his excellent, excellent idea. He doesn’t need Remus; he knows what he’s doing. Plus, Remus said that Regulus would never agree to this, which is just plain wrong. James is positive that Regulus will agree easily. All he has to do is call.

James pulls his phone out of his pocket and stares at it, licking his lips. He feels a flutter of nervousness in his stomach, tosses the phone up and down in his hands. He has no reason to feel nervous–it’s just Regulus. It’s just a question. It’s just…he’s never proposed to anyone before, and even though it isn’t real, it kind of is. Marriage is marriage, even if you plan on getting it annulled as soon as possible. And they’d have to have a wedding, of course, and James would want to dress up for it and decorate and get an officiant and everything so it’d at least look real. So, in those ways, it is a proposal, and he could be rejected. Remus could be right.

Staring at the phone in his hands, James suddenly feels like he shouldn’t be asking Regulus to marry him over the phone. If she were still alive, his mother would slap him upside the head for that, fake proposal or not. ‘Serious conversations are meant to be had face to face, James,’ she always said. James doesn’t know whether a proposal for a prank can be classified as a serious conversation or not, but…if he’s thinking about what his mom would think, he should probably err on the side of caution. He nods to himself and takes a deep breath, opening his phone and calling Regulus before he can keep overthinking it. He has no reason to be nervous.

“James,” Regulus says when he picks up. There’s the sound of paper rustling in the background, soft and almost too quiet to hear.

“Hi, Regulus! What are you doing?” James sounds far too chipper. Regulus always gets weirded out when James sounds like this.

“...Writing. What do you want?” Regulus definitely sounds weirded out.

“Well, ha,” James thinks about just asking, but then he imagines his mom shaking her head at him with her hands on her hips, disappointed. “I was wondering if you would meet me somewhere. I have something I want to talk to you about.”

“What could you possibly have to talk to me about that can’t be discussed over the phone?” Regulus asks, then heaves a sigh. “This better not be about your stupid prank war with Sirius.”

“Actually-”

“The answer is no.”

James winces, even though Regulus doesn’t even know what he’s going to ask. A pre-rejection. It makes the nerves in James’ stomach act up. “Wait, just hear me out–”

“No, James, I have no interest in helping fill Sirius’s bedroom with feathers or faking my death to devastate him or whatever it is that you want to do,” Regulus sighs.

“Okay, the feather idea is actually pretty good, but the second one is just downright concerning,” James laughs, scratching the back of his neck anxiously.

“If that’s all-”

“Wait! Please, please, just meet me somewhere and let me tell you what I’m thinking. It’ll be good, and I’m pretty sure you’re gonna change your mind when you hear what it is. It’s far more interesting than filling his room with feathers, I promise,” James begs, starting to sound a little desperate—but he’s not above sounding a little desperate in this situation.

“Is it as interesting as faking my death?”

“I think it actually might be–but it’s definitely not as disturbing. Except, maybe not that much less disturbing if we’re talking about what Sirius is gonna think.”

“...And you need me? Specifically? Or it won’t work?”

“Yeah, the whole idea is about you. I just can’t talk about it over the phone, so please let me explain in person.”

“You know what, James? You’ve actually managed to pique my interest,” Regulus hums. James can hear a book shutting, Regulus standing up. “When would you like to meet?”

“Wait- Are you serious?”

“I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t. Answer the question, James—when would you like to meet?”

A huge smile starts to bloom on James’ face. He was starting to lose hope for a moment. “As soon as possible. Tonight? Tomorrow?”

“Tonight. You’re taking me to dinner; choose somewhere nice. And dress up, please. I don’t want you to embarrass me,” Regulus says, and James actually fist pumps into the air.

“Yes! Anything you want, Reg, I’ll pick you up, okay? What time?” James grins.

“Don’t call me that. Does 6:30 work for you?” Regulus huffs, starting to sound weary. Probably because James is sounding too excited again.

“Sorry, Regulus–6:30 absolutely works. I’ll see you then!”

“Good luck making a reservation,” Regulus says, and then he promptly hangs up without saying goodbye.

James feels euphoric and triumphant for all of 30 seconds. Then he realizes that it’s Saturday, it’s 4:05pm, and he has to find a nice enough restaurant for Regulus that can also take a last minute reservation for tonight, and, more importantly, he still has to ask Regulus to marry him. The smile falls from his face as he starts looking up restaurants and making frantic phone calls. Still the best idea he’s ever had, he reminds himself. The best idea he’s ever had.

* * *

James is standing in front of Regulus’s front door at 6:27pm. He waits, staring at the clock on his phone, until 6:30, and then he knocks. He wishes he had given it a few seconds though, because being exactly on time down to the second just looks desperate. However, that probably doesn’t matter. He is a little desperate, and Regulus is already aware of it. He did beg him for this, after all.

James waits a minute, then another, and then the door swings open just as James raises his hand to knock again. Regulus stands in front of him, one hand on the door, one hand holding his phone. The screen is open to the feed of his doorbell camera, and he smirks as he shows it to James.

“I’m surprised you didn’t knock again sooner,” he says as he locks his phone and pockets it.

James feels his face flush as he turns to see the offending camera that probably alerted Regulus as soon as James walked up to the door. He hadn’t noticed it at all. He clears his throat and throws on his best charming smile. “I was just giving you time, Reg. Didn’t want to rush you.”

“Mm, don’t call me that. I could also see you sitting in your car for 15 minutes before you came up here,” he grins, and James follows the line from the camera down to his car with his eye.

He turns back to Regulus and does his best to not let his embarrassment show. “A gentleman is always early, so that he can show up on time,” James says as if he’d heard it from someone wise. He hadn’t.

Regulus quirks an eyebrow at him. “Did your dad tell you that?”

James frowns, “No, he did not. It’s just true. Now, are you done trying to embarrass me, or can I take you out?”

“I didn’t try to embarrass you, I did embarrass you,” Regulus says, very self-assured. James was so sure he was doing a good job hiding it. He very much did not want to give Regulus the satisfaction.

“If you say so,” James hums, rocking up onto the balls of his feet, his hands clasped politely behind his back. “So, dinner? We have a reservation; I don’t want to be late.”

“Sure, we can go now,” Regulus chuckles, stepping out and locking his front door behind him. “But don’t get any ideas, Potter. This isn’t a date. My time just comes at a price, and if you’re going to make me listen to this stupid, mysterious plan that you apparently need me for, the price is high.”

James scoffs as he leads Regulus down to his car and opens the door for him. “I’d hardly say that having dinner with you is a high price.”

Regulus gets in and waits for James to slide behind the steering wheel and buckle up before he says, “Just wait until you see the bill.”

It isn’t until they’re at the restaurant and following the host back to their table that James can take in Regulus’s appearance. James would expect nothing less from Regulus, who might just be the bougiest person he knows, but he is immaculately put together. His clothes are all clearly tailored to fit him perfectly, his hair is done just so, shining and curling beautifully in the low light of the restaurant. When they sit, James’ eyes are drawn to Regulus’s hands. They’re manicured, clear gloss shimmering with candlelight as his fingers wrap around his water glass and raise it to his lips. James follows the movement with his eyes, only to find himself feeling embarrassed again. He hadn’t meant to stare, really, he was just observing–but Regulus is looking at him with that same judgemental, amused smirk he had on when he opened the door.

“Find what you were looking for?” Regulus asks, setting the water glass down and sitting back in his chair.

James has to sit with that for a few seconds longer than he would like to before he thinks of a good way to respond. He somehow feels like he’s losing a game that he didn’t know he was playing, and he does not like to lose. Clearly. If he was okay with losing, they wouldn’t be here.

“That depends entirely on your answer to my question,” James finally says, raising an eyebrow.

“The question of if I’ll help you or not?”

“Sort of,” James smiles. He decided while he was driving to Regulus’s flat that he would ask the question the way it’s meant to be asked. He doesn’t have a ring, and he isn’t going to get down on one knee or anything, but he’s at least going to say it right.

Regulus narrows his eyes, “What does that mean? ‘Sort of’?”

But James doesn’t want to get right to it. He has to give him context, has to explain his thought process, and then he can ask. He figures they’ll have normal conversation through the appetizer course, then he’ll explain and ask during the main course, and then they can get the details sorted over dessert. He’s got the whole night planned out in his mind.

“You’ll see,” James shrugs. Regulus looks like he wants to push the issue, but James is saved just in time by their waiter coming over to ask for their drink order.

Regulus orders a 300 dollar bottle of wine, his gaze flickering over to James as he does as if to check for a reaction. James doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t know why Regulus thinks he’s going to be intimidated or bothered by his expensive tastes. Regulus knows that James is just as wealthy as he is–which is to say, very wealthy. It seems like Regulus is almost testing him. What the test is for, James couldn’t say. He just hopes that he’s passing.

After they order a few appetizers and their first glasses of wine have been poured, James softly clears his throat and asks, “So, you were writing something? I didn’t know that you write.”

Regulus looks at him over the rim of his glass and huffs through his nose. “Small talk?”

“Is it a bad thing to want to get to know you better?” James asks, his hands folded together on top of the table.

“You’re stalling.”

“I can stall and genuinely want to get to know you better at the same time.”

Regulus finishes his first glass of wine and pours another before he answers, “Poetry. It’s just a hobby.”

James sits up a little straighter, smiling. It makes so much sense for Regulus to write poetry in his free time. He can just imagine him sitting at his desk, listening to piano music, brooding, probably writing with a feather pen and ink. “How long have you been writing poetry?” he asks.

Regulus narrows his eyes and seems to chew on the question for a minute, as if he’s deciding whether or not to humor James’ stalling. Eventually, he takes another sip and relaxes with a small sigh. “A long time. I believe I started when I was twelve–not that it was any good then.”

“I bet it was really good for a twelve year old,” James grins as he lifts his own glass to take a sip. The wine is bright, dry, a note of pear lingering on his tongue as he swallows. James has never been very into wine; he’s always thought that it all tastes the same no matter how expensive it is, but he has to admit that this particular bottle is a fantastic choice, well worth the money.

“I certainly thought it was at the time. I was convinced that I was the next Walt Whitman,” Regulus chuckles.

James grins, “And now?”

“Like I said, it’s just a hobby. I don’t think I’m the next anyone, now.”

“Hm,” James nods thoughtfully. “Well, you were never going to be the next anyone,” he says, very sincere, and Regulus’s brow furrows.

“That’s a bit rude, even if you aren’t wrong-”

“No, I didn’t mean for it to be rude. I meant that you were never going to be the next Walt Whitman or Emily Dickenson or Ginsberg or anyone–because you’re you. Do you know what I mean?”

Regulus frowns, shaking his head. James licks the wine off of his lips before continuing. “Well, your work has always been your own. It’s unfair to compare yourself to anyone else, even in that way, because your poetry is unique to you. Even if it’s a hobby, even if you never show anyone, it’s still significant. You couldn’t be the next anyone else, because you’re the only Regulus Black there is. I bet none of those famous poets could do what you do.”

Regulus’s mouth parts, his eyebrows still pulled together. “They were better than me. They could absolutely have done what I do.”

“Not better,” James counters, “just different.”

“You haven’t even read anything I’ve written,” Regulus says.

“I don’t need to have read any to know that you’re good at it. But, if you ever feel like sharing, I’d love to see it for myself,” James smiles, and Regulus shakes his head.

“You’re ridiculous,” he says, but James can see the small smile on his lips–even if he’s trying to hide it behind his wine glass.

Over the next two hours, James and Regulus talk about anything but the prank. After the poetry conversation, Regulus asks James if he has any hobbies, and they talk about cooking for the entirety of the appetizer course. Over their entrees they discuss mundane things like favorite colors, songs, animals (which Regulus said was a ‘terribly juvenile question’ and then promptly said salamander afterward,) and their favorite memories of Sirius making a fool of himself. They talk about their friends over dessert, and James loves that part. He knows about a few of Regulus’s friends either from just having gone to the same school or else from Sirius complaining about them, but he didn’t know anything about who they really are or how Regulus became friends with them. Regulus is clearly the type of person who loves his friends fiercely and protectively, even if he seems exasperated by at least half of them.

By the time the check has come and gone, paid for by James without so much as a blink at the total cost, and they’re left with the last bits of their last glasses of wine, they’re both pleasantly drunk and smiling at each other from across the table. James has forgotten what they came here for in the first place, so caught up in how much fun it’s been to simply have dinner with Regulus and talk to him that the prank idea went right to the back of his mind. He’s just about to suggest that they take a walk so he can sober up enough to drive Regulus home when Regulus reminds him of his original goal.

“So, Potter. You’ve wined and dined me, you’ve stalled for–” he checks his watch, “Christ, three hours. Why’ve you brought me here?” he asks.

James’ grin slips away as he blinks at Regulus. He can’t believe he genuinely forgot; he’d been so nervous, so focused. He would have dropped Regulus back off at home without saying a word about the prank at all. He would have had to convince him to talk again.

“I brought you here because you asked me to take you somewhere nice,” James jokes, continuing to stall. The wine isn’t doing nearly enough to dull his nerves, now resurfaced just as strong as they had been before he picked Regulus up.

Regulus rolls his eyes, “James.”

“Right, okay,” James takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly, steadying himself. Perhaps it’s the wine, perhaps it’s the anxiety, but James blows right past the explanation and goes straight into the question. “Will you marry me?”

Regulus chokes on the last of his wine, doubling over to cough into his elbow until his face turns red. James offers to help him but Regulus just raises a hand as he catches his breath. It takes a full two minutes for him to get back to normal and be able to respond.

“What?!” he asks, his voice high and a bit scratchy.

James flushes, wishing deeply that he had remembered how he actually wanted to go about this. He rushes to explain, “For the prank! That’s the idea I wanted to talk to you about. That’s why it had to be in person.”

“No, James, what the fuck? I’m not going to marry you to prank my brother!” Regulus laughs, sounding manic and incredulous.

“We’d get it annulled, obviously, I’m not asking you to marry me forever, just for long enough to really fuck with Sirius. Just listen, okay? He’ll never be able to top it. Ever. Don’t you want the satisfaction of helping me win the prank war forever? Don’t you want to see the look on his face?!”

Regulus looks up and to the side for a moment as if imagining it, then shakes his head, still looking at James like he’s absolutely insane. “I am not invested in helping you win your prank war! You know I think it’s stupid!”

“But you are invested in getting back at Sirius for annoying you all the time, aren’t you? You never retaliate! This will annoy him more than anything he could ever do to you! He won’t be able to do anything about it! I’m not even asking you to pretend to be in love with me,” James urges, sitting forward, his eyes wide and wild as he tries to get Regulus to agree. He really thought it would be easier than this.

Regulus splutters, but he doesn’t have an immediate argument. James’ heart speeds up, hope swirling through his veins. “This is insane, James. This is an insane idea, and you are an insane person, and–”

“And?”

“I don’t know, James. It doesn’t matter if I want to get back at him or not, we can’t just get married to annoy my brother!”

“Why not?” James asks. “Why not? It’s the perfect plan, Reg. I’ve got it all figured out, all the details, everything. We’d get all the legal stuff squared away first in secret, then hold a small ceremony, tell Sirius it’s just a party, and tell him a time that’ll get him there in time to see us be pronounced husbands, but too late to object. He’ll be upset about it then, but the real kicker is that we’ll wait long enough to get it annulled that we can convince him that we aren’t going to. Just a month or two. And I’m not asking you to…to consummate it or anything,” James flushes with embarrassment at just the word, hoping that it doesn’t make Regulus uncomfortable. “We’d have to kiss at the ceremony, but that’s it. That’s the plan. Please, Regulus, I’m never going to think of anything better than this.”

Regulus stares at him, his face impossible to read. He’s gone from looking at James like he’s insane to simply staring at him, shaking his head as he listens. He sits there for a long time after James is finished explaining, silent, just blinking at him.

Then, he reaches across the table and picks up James’ half empty wine glass. “I can’t believe I’m saying this,” he downs the rest of the glass, “but…I think I’m saying yes. But you’re going to owe me, okay?”

“Of course, I- Wait. Yes?” James smiles, trying to keep it from getting out of control.

“Yes,” Regulus nods, and then he starts smiling too, a mischief in his eyes that James has never seen before.

“Yes?!”

“Yes,” Regulus nods, laughter bubbling out of his chest. “Let’s do it.”

“Yes!” James jumps out of his seat, hoists Regulus out of his, hugs him tight and spins him around in a circle before setting him back on his feet. Regulus is laughing the whole time. “You won’t regret it, I promise. It’s gonna make him so mad. He’ll never see it coming.”

“He’ll never see it coming,” Regulus repeats with a nod. “Alright, Potter, be a gentleman and take your fiancé home.”

After dropping Regulus off, James’ grin is bright and his laugh is even brighter—blinding. He texts Remus as soon as he gets home: He said yes.

***

It takes James and Regulus just under two months to get everything together. It’s expensive to put a wedding together on such short notice, but James doesn’t mind in the slightest. Every phone call, every piece of the plan set in place and confirmed, every text message exchanged with Regulus—it’s all so exciting. Exhilarating.

James has invited his close friends to a ‘party’, and Regulus has done the same with his own friends. They’re going to tell them what they’re really there for right after they arrive, and they’re going to hope that no one will spoil it by telling Sirius before he arrives. Neither of them think that’ll happen, though. All of their friends are going to love being part of playing such a huge prank on Sirius.

Regulus picked the venue and James booked it. Regulus picked the caterer and the food and James booked it. Regulus picked out both of their suits, and James bought them. Even if the entire prank fell apart, James would still think it would have been worth it just to have experienced that one day. He didn’t know Regulus was so funny, but he really is. They spent hours at Regulus’s favorite store for suit shopping, drinking scotch that tasted like expensive paint thinner that neither of them liked, trying on suits. James came out in suit after suit, and each time, Regulus had a hilarious, scathing review ready and waiting. By the end of the day, James was starting to worry that his cheeks would be sore for days from smiling so much, and that he’d walk away empty handed—but the latter didn’t happen. Just as the sun had started to set, James came out of the dressing room in yet another suit and Regulus had looked him up and down, raised his eyebrows, and nodded.

“That one is good. Really good,” he’d said, and that was that.

James didn’t think they’d be getting food, or a live band, or fancy rings, or an open bar. He wasn’t planning on having a full, traditional wedding and reception, but Regulus said it would be better if it was the real thing. He had been intimidated by the idea at first, but as he’s worked on it, the more he’s found himself agreeing with Regulus.

They put the last piece into place a week before the wedding—the rings. James shows up at Regulus’s place 15 minutes early, but instead of waiting in his car, he just comes straight up to the door. Regulus only makes him wait out there for five minutes, too, which is a welcome change. He’s been making James wait for less time each time they see each other.

When he comes outside and shuts the door behind him, jacket in hand, he has a small smile for James—the same smile he shoots at James whenever they’ve been around Sirius and have to act like nothing is happening. It’s a nice smile, James thinks. He likes that it’s just for him; it makes him feel special. Having Regulus’s time, his attention, that makes James feel special too—those things are obviously hard won, if the way Regulus talks about other people is to be trusted.

“Good morning, Reg-” James starts, hands in his pockets, leaning forward toward Regulus while he locks his front door.

“James-” Regulus is exasperated, just as James knew he would be.

His grin gets wider, more playful. “-ulus! You didn’t even let me finish!”

Regulus stops, hand still holding his key in the lock, and half turns to face him with a disappointed glare. “I’m going back inside, actually. I’m calling the whole thing off. Have fun being an old maiden whose biggest accomplishment was almost winning a prank war.”

James barks a laugh, rocking back on his heels. “Oh, Regulus, please don’t,” he fake begs, hands coming up in front of his chest clasped together. “I couldn’t possibly go on without you—forgive me? Please? Keep being my fiancé?”

Regulus pulls his key from the lock and pockets it with a dramatic sigh. “Well, alright, since you’re begging so nicely. But only for one more week.”

James’ brain skips momentarily, something making him blink and have to reset, and he comes back confused. “Wait—why only for one more week?”

Regulus arches a brow at him. “Because then we’re going to be married? I won’t be your fiancé anymore then, will I?”

“Oh! Oh, right. Well, then, thank you for your mercy,” James bows his head briefly, then gestures down the stairs and out to where his car is parked on the street. “Shall we go?”

“I suppose,” Regulus says, sticking his nose up into the air as he walks down the stairs with a put-upon air of superiority that leaves James giggling the whole time he follows him down and opens the car door for him. Regulus really is so funny.

The jeweler that Regulus chose and has been in contact with is a small business, not associated with a chain like Kay or Windsor. The shop is tiny, with only five display cases around the room and a front desk where a middle aged woman is waiting for them when they arrive. She has her grey-streaked brown hair up in a professional looking bun on the back of her head, thin glasses perched slightly too far down on her nose. James pushes his own glasses up as they approach.

“James and Regulus, I presume?” the woman asks with a polite smile.

“The very same,” James nods, smiling back.

“If you’d follow me, please,” She says, inviting them through a door behind the desk with a wave of her hand.

She leads them into a small office, warm, with two chairs on one side of a desk and one on the other. In the middle of the desk are two ring boxes, both open, containing their (hopefully) finished wedding bands. James hasn’t seen the bands that Regulus ended up choosing yet. He came with him to get their ring sizes and try on several different styles, but in the end they walked away undecided and James put it in Regulus’s hands just as he had everything else. Regulus is very particular; James trusts him.

He’s right to trust him, too. Regulus’s taste proves to be both surprising and impeccable time and time again. James had expected the rings to be fancy and dramatic, embellished with diamonds or rubies or something—but they’re plain, simple bands. They are understated yet high quality, and on the inside of the bands are their initials engraved into the metal. On one, a J. On the other, an R. When James sees this, he goes to pick up the one with his own initial on it and slide it onto his finger, only to find that it is too small. He looks up, a crease between his brows.

“The one with the J is too small,” he says.

“That’s because it isn’t yours,” Regulus replies, reaching out to pluck it out of James’ hand and slide it onto his own finger.

James doesn't know what to do with that. He furrows his brow as he picks up the other ring—his ring—and looks at the little R inside of it. He looks up at Regulus, but he’s talking to the jeweler. James’ eyes catch on the metal around his finger just before he takes the ring off, and he imagines that little engraved J sitting flush against Regulus’s skin, and he feels…something. He doesn’t know what it is. He wants to ask Regulus why he did this when it has no outcome on the prank, when no one but the two of them will know that the initials are there, but he isn’t going to ask with a stranger in the room. It just doesn’t make sense—but he can’t deny that he likes it. It warms him as he slides the ring onto his finger, the idea of it. He holds his hand up and looks at it, so unfamiliar with the ring there.

He starts to try to dissect that warmth spreading through his chest, the thought that the ring really looks like it belongs where it is, the idea of Regulus ordering personalized rings for them—but he’s interrupted. The woman has crossed over to him without him noticing.

“Does it fit?” she asks, snapping James out of his daze. His eyes quickly flick over to Regulus, who is no longer wearing his ring, and then back to the woman.

“Yeah, yes,” he nods with a smile, holding his hand out to her when she reaches for it to inspect the fit. When she’s satisfied that it does in fact fit, she takes it from him and puts it back in its box, then takes both to the front. James is in a strange daze as he pays for them and watches as Regulus takes the bag holding them from the woman. He remains in that daze until they’re outside and he’s watching Regulus tip his face up ever so slightly towards the sun, the light reflecting off of his skin.

“Regulus?” James asks, feeling like he should ask about it now that they’re alone.

“Hm?” Regulus answers easily, tilting his face towards James.

“Why did you get the rings engrav-” he starts, but he doesn’t get to finish. A fire truck rushes by at that exact moment, and then Regulus’s phone starts ringing immediately after. By the time his phone call is over, the moment has passed, and the question is swallowed up by Regulus complaining about work.

Later, when he’s lying in bed trying to fall asleep, James convinces himself that it is likely nothing but a nice gesture. A silly sentiment, not meant to mean anything—and even if it did mean something, James can’t even begin to imagine what that could be, so he lets it go. Still, as he finally drifts off, the image of Regulus sliding the ring onto his finger flashes through James’ mind, pulling a smile onto his face that lasts until he’s firmly asleep.

***

It’s been difficult to act normal around Sirius, especially when Regulus is around. Regulus doesn’t seem to be struggling with it at all, his poker face impeccable and firmly in place. James on the other hand keeps having to pinch his lips together and look away to avoid grinning whenever they’re all in the same room. He has to hide his phone from Sirius for the first time in their friendship, which Sirius has of course picked up on, but James is certain he hasn’t caught on to what he’s planning, only that he has a plan in the works. The unexpected effect of trying to hide the real plan is that Sirius now thinks that James has a problem with Regulus.

He confronts James about it the day before the wedding, when James is so full of pent up nerves and energy that he’s been nauseous and slightly sweaty all day. There’s no reason for him to feel like this, but he just wants everything to go right. He needs it to go right. He’s talking to Sirius about the ‘party’, and when Sirius mentions Regulus, James’ face must do something weird because Sirius stops mid sentence and sighs harshly.

“James, what’s going on with you and Regulus?” he asks.

James freezes in place, hand clenched tight around the glass he’s been drinking from. “Nothing. Why?”

“You’ve been really strange every time we’re all together, and you keep getting weird when I talk about him. If you have a problem with him for some reason-”

James cuts him off, shaking his head. “No! I don’t have a problem with him, I’m just…worried about you.”

Sirius raises a skeptical eyebrow. “You’re worried about me? Because of Regulus?”

James nods. “Yeah! I’m just worried that you both might be bottling something up. I’m concerned about your dynamic, you know.”

“James. That makes no sense. Our dynamic is fine,” Sirius rolls his eyes.

“But he calls you an idiot every time he’s around! That’s gotta hurt, right?”

“He calls you an idiot every time he’s around too,” Sirius points out. “Are you projecting? Does that hurt your feelings? Because I’m personally fine with it. He’s just Reggie; he’s always been at least a little mean,” he shrugs.

James bites his lip to hold back his smile as Sirius’s skepticism fades into sincerity. He wasn’t expecting to be questioned, but he played it off well. Just one less thing to worry about. “It doesn’t not hurt my feelings,” he lies, “I guess I’m just not used to it yet.”

“Has it been bothering you for all this time? He’s been back in my life for a while now. I’ve never noticed you being bothered by him before. Did he say something?” Sirius asks, brow knitting.

“No, no, he didn’t say anything. I guess I just got in my head about it. He doesn’t mean anything by it, does he?” James is doing his absolute best to feign insecurity.

Sirius’s brow softens and he reaches out to pull James into a hug. “No, he doesn’t mean anything by it. If you want, I’ll tell him to lay off.”

James wraps his arms around Sirius and shakes his head, feeling only slightly guilty now that they’ve had this very sincere and lovely interaction. “No, it’s okay. I’ll be fine, really. As long as you’re good and he doesn’t mean it, I’m good.”

He does not say that he actually rather likes it when Regulus is mean to him, and that he already knew that he doesn’t mean anything by it. He doesn’t say that he’s been talking to Regulus frequently and privately every day for the past two months. He doesn’t say that he’s going to be marrying Regulus tomorrow. He just smiles triumphantly to himself over Sirius’s shoulder and relishes in the tight hug, because he’s pretty sure that it’s going to be the last one he gets for a while if everything goes according to plan tomorrow.

***

James stares at himself in the mirror, Peter on one side of him and their friend Lily on the other. He’s nervous. He’s beyond nervous. This is inarguably the biggest prank of his career, and so far it’s going off without a hitch, which is only adding to his nerves. He’s sure something is going to go wrong. Sirius is probably going to show up right at the very second the officiant asks if anyone objects. The ceiling is probably going to collapse in the venue. Sirius isn’t even going to show up. Remus is going to change his mind about doing James the favor of bringing Sirius and keeping his mouth shut about the whole thing. Regulus is going to back out.

“What if Regulus backs out?” James says, blowing out a shaking breath as Lily adjusts his lapels.

“He’s not going to. Dorcas just told me before I came in here that Regulus is just about ready, and that he doesn’t seem even remotely nervous. Unlike you,” Lily says pointedly, an eyebrow raised.

“Yeah,” Pete nods, “I don’t get why you’re so nervous, anyway. It isn’t like the wedding is real. It’s just a prank, mate.”

“An important prank! And it is technically a real wedding! It has all the things a real wedding has, including legal paperwork. That’s about as real as it gets,” James points out, scrutinizing his hair for anything popping out of place. He doesn’t find anything.

“Except for the fact that you aren’t in love. You aren’t even in a relationship,” Pete says.

“You don’t even like each other, right? Like, you’re just acquaintances, I thought? Unless I’ve missed something,” Lily adjusts her own hair, then examines James’ just in case he missed something. He did. She smoothes the errant piece of hair down into place.

James swallows, his brow pinched as he looks between his friends in the mirror. “We’re friends. At least, I think we’re friends. I hope we are. I mean, we see each other at least once a week, and we’ve been talking every single day for months now. I think he’s interesting, he seems to at least tolerate me, and he laughs at some of my jokes now. That seems like friendship to me.”

Pete and Lily share a look that James can’t decipher, which is annoying for many reasons. Pete and Lily never hang out alone; they shouldn’t be capable of indecipherable looks. Also, there’s nothing to be looking at each other about in the first place. He and Regulus are friends. He isn’t sure he could marry him if they weren’t at least friends. However…he didn’t feel like that when he asked. They weren’t friends when he asked; he didn’t care about that then. What’s changed? Why does he care now?

“I wish my parents could be here,” James whispers, and tears prick at the corners of his eyes, gathering up along the bottoms of them. His parents would want him to marry someone he cares about, even if it is just for a prank. That must be what’s changed.

The closer the wedding has gotten, the more James has thought about his parents. He thinks about them all the time anyway, but they’ve been sitting at the forefront of his mind, right alongside Regulus and the wedding. He knows the wedding isn’t real. He knows his mother would probably think it’s stupid. But, the thing is, when they were both sick and dying in the hospital, James thought a lot about how they wouldn’t be able to be there for his wedding.

It was cruel, the way they were taken from him. He was only 19, and they both caught a virus that ended up being too strong for them to fight. They were older than most of his peers’ parents, which meant that they were just more susceptible. Still, James had figured he had at least 20 years left with them at that point–maybe even 30 or 40 if he was lucky. Then they got sick, and within two weeks, they were gone.

This wedding may not be the one he imagined when he was sitting there by their bedsides, but it is the wedding he’s having, and it does have all the parts of a real wedding, and his mom would have been front row even if she thought it was stupid. His dad would have stood up next to him at the altar, finding the whole thing hilarious. He would have danced with his mom at the reception, watched her talk to Regulus across the room and wondered what they were saying, watched his dad talk Sirius down when he got angry. Real wedding or not, having them here would have been nice. But they aren’t here, and James is crying about it.

Lily and Pete share another look. Lily clears her throat, rubbing a soothing hand across James’ back. “James, Euphemia would have thought this was such a stupid idea,” she says with a soft chuckle.

“Yeah,” James lets out a wet laugh, wiping under his eyes, “but Dad would have thought it was fantastic. I just wish they were here.”

Pete nods, his hand falling onto James’ shoulder. “If it makes you feel any better, they’re probably watching over you from wherever they are. They’re here in the way they can be.” He looks like he wants to say more; probably to point out that it isn’t a real wedding again–but he doesn’t. James is glad for it.

“Are you ready?” Lily asks, her eyes flickering over to the clock on the wall. “It’s time to go out there and get this thing started if you want the timing to work out.”

The nerves in James’ stomach flare up terribly but he nods anyway. No time like the present, he thinks. He takes another deep breath and Pete claps him on the shoulder.

“Alright! Let’s go get you married!” Pete laughs. He’s been so excited to see this play out ever since James told him the plan. He, unlike Remus, has been incredibly supportive of James’ genius idea. That excitement shows now, written all over his face as Lily leads them out of the room and down the hall to the space where the ceremony is being held.

With every step James takes forward his heart picks up in speed. He walks through the doors and down the aisle first, just as planned. He puts one foot in front of the other, tries not to trip, and makes it to the arch, where he stands up straight and tries to seem confident and relaxed. Beside him, Pete laughs under his breath and takes his spot. Best man.

James doesn’t let that bother him, because this is not a real wedding. He loves Pete very much, but in the event that James ever does have a real wedding, he’d choose Sirius. Of course, Sirius can’t be his best man, because the only reason James is getting married is because he’s playing a fucking prank on him. James sucks in a small breath as Lily takes her place next to Pete, trying his best to calm his thoughts.

He looks over the faces of the people gathered in their seats on either side of the aisle. There aren’t many; not like if this were a real wedding. Today, there are maybe 15 people total in attendance. If this were the wedding James has always dreamed of, there’d be at least 200. At least. The room looks so empty, and James can’t decide how he feels about that. He takes another deep breath as the pianist they hired starts to play, his heart settling down at the base of his throat while he stares at the double doors at the other end of the aisle.

This isn’t real, he reminds himself. Regulus and I aren’t a couple, he thinks. Neither of us would even want to be.

The doors open, and James stops thinking.

Regulus looks…stunning. He’s wearing a white suit made of some expensive, shining material, with a delicate lace cape trailing down from the shoulders and out behind Regulus into the aisle. His curls are carefully arranged around his face, a silver diadem sitting perfectly atop his head, shining with diamonds. As he gets closer, James can see that his eyes have been defined with a subtle, soft, blended out liner. Maybe just a touch of mascara. His lips reflect the light, a fine sparkle suspended in the gloss on them. Somewhere in this room there is a photographer taking pictures of this moment. James hopes they do Regulus justice, but he isn’t sure it would even be possible. He’s practically glowing, pulling all the focus in the room. No one could look away even if they wanted to. James doesn’t know why anyone would.

Regulus stands in front of James, silent as the officiant begins to speak. He’s staring into his eyes, and James doesn’t know what he was worried about. Regulus looks completely sure of himself; of this. He doesn’t falter, doesn’t look away, isn’t wearing a scowl, isn’t displaying any signs of regret or doubt. In fact, there’s a small smile playing on his lips. A smile, not a smirk. James swallows, breathes his nerves out slowly, and smiles back.

At some point, Regulus’s friends lined up to stand by him. He told James that no one would be his ‘best man’ or ‘maid of honor’ because he thinks that ranking his friends would be hurtful and stupid and that he doesn’t need to hold on to that kind of tradition. He then said that he respects James less for ascribing to said tradition, and promptly moved on to discuss flowers and centerpieces and vows.

The vows were tricky for James to write. They had to figure out how to write sincere enough vows for a wedding, while still shifting the meanings to fit their needs. James doesn’t want to lie. He wants to be true to his word, because in this case, it should be binding. He spent hours poring over a little notebook, writing things down and scratching them out and writing more things down and trying his absolute best to find the perfect things to say in his vows to Regulus. In the end, he feels like he still had to settle. He didn’t have enough time to get it exactly right, he doesn’t think. He just hopes that it’ll be good enough.

Regulus finally breaks eye contact, his eyes flickering over to the doors. This brings James back into the moment, following his line of sight and finding the doors closed and the officiant asking if anyone has any objections. James’ heart thumps hard in his chest. The guests stay silent, the doors stay closed, the officiant moves on, and Regulus’s eyes lock right back onto James’.

“I ask you both to join hands as a symbol of the union that you are making here today,” the officiant instructs, and so that’s what they do.

James tries to pay attention to the words that are being said to them, he really does. They’re important words, words he wants to remember, wants to be able to respond when they’re prompted to–but his mind is preoccupied with the soft weight of Regulus’s hands in his own. The contact is so solid, so steady. Regulus’s fingers are a little cold, which makes sense. James has always thought that Regulus looks like he’d have cold fingers. He hopes that he’s warming them up for him now; hopes that Regulus doesn’t mind holding his hands like this.

The guests all start laughing as Peter nudges James’ shoulder and Regulus’s brow furrows. James snaps his head up, looking over at the officiant. “What?”

The officiant chuckles and shakes his head before clearing his throat to repeat himself. “Do you, James Potter, take Regulus Black to be your lawfully wedded husband from this day forth?”

They told the officiant to keep the script simple, to keep the flowery language and love promises to a mini. When they were asked why, they said it was because of their written vows. They wanted all the promises to come there. Now, hearing the question, James wishes they had let the officiant do whatever he wanted. It sounds almost…clinical. ‘Do you, James Potter, take Regulus Black to be your lawfully wedded husband from this day forth?’

No promises of parting only in death, no promises to be by each other’s side in sickness and health, no good times or bad times, no promise to love and cherish each other–and all of that makes sense. That isn’t what this is. This is a prank. This is a prank. James swallows heavily, the vows he wrote sitting heavy in his mind. He might have done too much. Regulus’s face seems to falter, something like insecurity flashing across his features, and James realizes that he’s been silent for far too long.

He takes a deep breath and squeezes Regulus’s hands, offering a reassuring smile as he responds with full confidence, “I do.”

Regulus’s brow smoothes out, the corners of his lips twitching upwards again ever so slightly. The door at the back of the room opens and his eyes widen, but they don’t look away from one another.

“And do you, Regulus Black, take James Potter to be your lawfully wedded husband from this day forth?”

“What the fuck?!” comes from the doorway. Sirius. James thought he would feel so smug, so self-satisfied at this moment. It’s obviously having the desired effect, after all. However, all he feels at Sirius’s outburst is annoyance.

“I do,” Regulus says, as if Sirius wasn’t there at all. His thumb brushes up the side of James’ hand.

“Seriously, what the fuck?! This isn’t–” Sirius calls out again, closer this time. James hears Remus shush him, then chairs moving as he presumably pulls Sirius into one. And he said he wasn’t going to help.

“I understand that you have both prepared your own vows today. Regulus,” the officiant waves a hand at Regulus, gesturing for him to go first. James doesn’t feel ready. He hears Sirius whispering far too loudly with Remus from wherever they sat. He tries to stay focused on Regulus; on the moment.

Regulus clears his throat and takes a breath. “James. I have lived most of my life with the expectation that I would never get married. I imagined many times that I would be asked, but in every single scenario I played out in my mind, it always ended with me saying no. I thought I knew what I wanted, or rather what I didn’t want. And then there was you. When you asked me to marry you, I know that I argued against it–”

“For about thirty seconds,” James interjects with a wide smile. Almost all of the guests laugh at that–except for Sirius, of course. At least he’s not whispering anymore.

Regulus rolls his eyes, “-but my first instinct was to say yes. Then, when we decided to write our own vows, I had absolutely no intention of revealing that truth. However, given that we are getting married, I figured I should let you know. You asked me to marry you, and the very first thing that I thought, before I freaked out or offered any counterpoints, even before you explained anything, was yes.”

James knows that Regulus is probably putting on a show now; that these words are lovely but ultimately for the sole purpose of fucking with Sirius’s head. He’s convincing, though. So convincing, in fact, that James can feel his eyes stinging. His heart lurches at the thought that he could be wanted like that. That he could be so loved that it’s not even a question, even under such unusual circumstances. That the answer would be so simple, so immediate. Yes.

Regulus continues, “So. With that, I vow to hold true to my word. I promise that I will be first and foremost your friend, because I believe that without friendship a union cannot and should not survive. I promise to be your husband, and to accept everything that comes with that with open arms–the good and the bad. I promise to spend every day that I have with you being glad that you asked.”

James is embarrassed, but he cannot help it. A tear slips down his cheek as he listens to Regulus’s vows and takes them in. It takes a great deal of willpower to try to rein himself in and not get completely swept away in the moment. It’s just…it looks real. It sounds real. It feels real. But it is not real, and the feeling will pass when the wedding is over and all they have left to do is bask in the glory of pulling off the greatest prank of all time. It’s going to pass.

“James,” the officiant gestures to him now, and James' breath comes out shallow and shaky. He’s terribly nervous for this part. He practiced a lot, but he’s still worried that he’ll get it wrong. That and, after Regulus’s vows, he’s not so sure that his own will measure up.

James draws in a deep breath and holds in, then lets it out slow, trying to calm his heart. “Regulus, I feel beyond lucky to be standing here with you today. I truly believe that marrying you might just be the best thing I have ever done in my life, and will remain the best thing I have ever done in my life until I die. You are incredible, and far better than I deserve. You’re so smart and so interesting–I really could sit and talk to you for hours every day about nothing at all and be impressed the entire time. You’re hilarious even when you aren’t trying to be, and you’re kind even though you don’t want anyone to know that you are, and you’re strong. Over the time that I’ve known you, I’ve seen you do things that require a kind of will and resilience that I cannot even imagine having, and I just think…I think that there is no one in this world that I would rather do this with,” James says, and he means every single bit of it. He just hopes it isn’t too much. He hopes Regulus believes him.

“I promise to be by your side whenever you need me,” James continues, trying to discern what Regulus is feeling from the look in his eyes, but it’s difficult to tell. There’s something there. “I promise to stay true to you. I promise to cherish our time together, however long or short that time may be. I promise not to take a second of it for granted–not a single second. I promise that as long as you’re with me, you will never have to be alone with anything. Whether you just need someone to run errands with, or if you need someone to listen when you’re struggling, I’m here. I promise. I promise to be yours, for as long as you will have me.”

It sounds like too much, James thinks as he listens to himself talk. But these are vows his parents would have been proud of. He tried to think of promises he can keep, things he could say with complete sincerity, things that someone like Regulus deserves to know and deserves to have. The bare mini. James is afraid, but he doesn’t look away. He won’t. Regulus looks…shocked? Surprised? Overwhelmed? James wishes he could ask, wishes he could explain. The furious whispering starts up again from where Sirius is sitting, and James’ chest deflates a bit. It isn’t real. It’s okay if his vows were heavy handed. Regulus isn’t going to read into them at all, and even if he did, that would be okay. He wouldn’t find anything there but the truth, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

“It is now time to exchange rings,” the officiant prompts, and Barty hands them over from out of his pocket.

“James, as you place this ring on Regulus’s finger, repeat after me,” the officiant says, and James grips Regulus’s left hand tightly, raising an eyebrow in a silent question.

Regulus nods minutely, his outstretched hand waiting for the ring.

The officiant goes on. “With this ring, I marry you, with my loving heart, with my willing body, and with my eternal soul.”

James holds eye contact, and he ceases to hear anything around them other than the officiant, his own voice, and the beating of his heart. Sirius and his furious whispering is forgotten entirely as he repeats the words, “With this ring, I marry you; with my loving heart, with my willing body, and with my eternal soul.”

He slides the ring onto Regulus’s finger, noting how steady his hands are. He’s watching with what seems like wonder, and James can relate. This is so surreal, so monumental. The rings make it feel more real than anything else has, and it was already so hard to keep his head about him.

“Regulus, as you place this ring on James’ finger, repeat after me,” the officiant moves on. “With this ring, I marry you; with my loving heart, with my willing body, and with my eternal soul.”

Regulus visibly swallows, taking James’ left hand and getting the ring ready. “With this ring, I marry you; with my-” he exhales shakily, “-loving heart, with my willing body, and with my eternal soul.”

The ring slides easily onto James’ finger, cool metal contrasting against his skin, making a home for itself quickly. It feels like it’s meant to be there. Regulus did an excellent job picking them out. James thinks of their initials hidden against their fingers, and the warmth that he felt in the jewelry shop returns to his chest, mixing in with everything else already there. He has to tear his eyes away from the ring when the officiant transitions into the next part. He has to stay present for it this time, because the next part is the most important one of all. The step this entire plan has revolved around.

“May your union be one formed on a foundation of love. May you both find peace in one another. May you both move forward from today with a deeper understanding of what it means to share a life,” the officiant recites while nervous anticipation swims through James’ veins. He sees Regulus’s throat bob on a swallow and he wonders if they’re feeling the exact same thing. He hopes they are. James squeezes his hand; Regulus squeezes back.

Sirius’s harsh whispering increases in volume, and the officiant continues. “James, Regulus- You have come together today, in front of your friends and loved ones, to promise yourselves to one another. We have all witnessed the strength of your commitment and the beauty of your connection. It is with great joy that I now pronounce you partners in marriage. You may now kiss!”

They should have practiced for this part. They barely even spoke of it in all of their planning, which seems insane now that they’re standing here faced with it. It isn’t like James didn’t think about it, he did; it’s just that he knows his imagination doesn’t count as adequate preparation. The kiss has to be good. James cannot fuck it up. He can’t. He licks his lips, his hands holding on tight to Regulus’s, and pulls him in. He slides a hand up to the side of his face, their eyes staring into each other, only closing at the last second right before their lips touch.

Regulus’s lips are soft, and dry, and warm. His hands have landed on James’ waist, a slight pressure sinking into the soft skin under his suit jacket. James, if he could think at the moment, would wonder what those hands would feel like under those layers–but he can’t think. He feels like the entire room has faded away, like his feet have left the ground, like he’s being fucking changed forever, like his brain is being rewired, like he’s never known what a kiss should feel like before this–which is all ridiculous, because this is Regulus, and this is a fake wedding. Well, a real wedding, but still. Fake. And James needs to pull away from the kiss.

Except, he’s not the only one in it. Regulus hasn’t made any moves to pull away at all; in fact, his hands have only tightened their grip. James breathes out softly through his nose and grabs Regulus’s face more fully in both hands, taking the chance to deepen the kiss, his lips parting against Regulus’s. He expects to be pushed away, expects resistance–but there isn’t any to be found. Regulus sinks into the touch, and while he could just be following James’ lead, it doesn’t feel like that. It feels real, just like everything has today.

A wolf whistle sounds out from someone seated on James’ side of the aisle, followed by a harsh complaint from Sirius, and the spell breaks. They pull apart, a light flush on Regulus’s face, and James feels his heart skip and turn over in his chest at the sight, and then there’s a sinking feeling in his stomach as he reminds himself yet again that he’s just getting swept up in the ruse they’ve so meticulously set up for this prank. And it makes sense, too, that Regulus would be a good kisser. James has always thought that he probably would be, that’s nothing new. He isn’t being changed forever, his brain isn’t being rewired, he’s just really in the moment. Tomorrow, he’ll wake up and these feelings will have faded back to normal. He nods at Regulus once, takes his hand, and raises their arms into the air as they start their walk back down the aisle.

As they pass Sirius, James pulls himself out of the moment. He pulls himself out of playing the part, just enough to give Sirius a shit eating grin and wink at him, pretending like the murderous look on his face doesn’t scare him even a little bit. In reality, he’s absolutely certain that if Remus wasn’t currently holding him back, James would be getting punched straight in the face. He hears Regulus laugh brightly from beside of him, and then they’re out of the doors, and they’re alone, and they’re fucking married.

James turns to look at him, opens his mouth to say something, but then the doors open again as their friends come running out after them, all laughing and screaming and surrounding them in high-energy congratulations. And though his head is spinning from how strange the day has been already, James allows himself to get swept up in this moment too. He can save all of his thinking for later.

***

James and Regulus have managed to avoid Sirius so far, at about an hour into the reception. Well, avoid might be the wrong word, because neither of them have seen him. James was honestly sure that he had simply left until Pete came up to them cackling about how pissed off Sirius is, and how Remus has sequestered him off in a different room until he’s sure that he won’t come in here and punch James in the face. James grinned at that information, both because he’s glad that the prank has been so successful, and because Remus has helped so much despite having said he wasn’t going to. James and his face are beyond grateful for it.

Now, he and Regulus are sat at a table at the front of the reception hall, watching their friends drink and dance and mingle before dinner is to be served in the next fifteen minutes. James has been watching Regulus, taking in the quiet satisfaction that’s been written across his features since they walked back down the aisle hand in hand, officially married.

“What’re you thinking?” James asks, sipping from his tall glass of champagne.

Regulus turns to look at him, wearing a small smile. “This has gone exceedingly well, I think.”

“Hm,” James smiles back, eyebrows raised as he sets his glass back down, “I couldn’t agree more.”

“You hear so many stories about things going wrong at weddings; flowers missing or wrong, venues falling through, rain, wardrobe malfunctions, etcetera, etcetera,” Regulus waves a hand around languidly through the air, already slightly tipsy. “But this has been perfect. Everything has gone exactly as planned.”

“I know,” James nods, deciding not to talk about his complete freak out before the ceremony, or his weird little spiral of feelings during the ceremony, only focusing on the external things and the after. Those things have been undeniably perfect. “Are you satisfied?”

Regulus’s smile turns into a smirk, an eyebrow raised. “Night’s not over yet, James, is it? I’m not going to be responsible for jinxing it.”

James laughs, thinking of Sirius’s reaction, then looking out over all of their friends again. He turns back to Regulus and shrugs, “I’ll risk it. I’m very satisfied,” he says, and the doors to the reception hall open before the last word is finished leaving his mouth.

Sirius comes walking in with a huge, very mischievous, very triumphant grin, Remus following close behind him with an expression so amused that it makes dread sink into James’ chest. He wants to see the Sirius from earlier; the pissed off Sirius, shocked right down to his core, shaking with rage and disbelief. He does not want to see happy Sirius, looking like he has a fucking plan. He can’t already have a plan. There’s no fucking way. James and Regulus only have a few seconds to look at each other before Sirius is standing right in front of them with his hands spread out wide.

“James, Regulus, congratulations!” Sirius grins, leaning forward, one hand on James’ shoulder, the other on Regulus’s. “I mean, really. This is amazing!”

“Amazing because…” James trails off, leaving it open for Sirius to elaborate. He swallows nervously, then tries to school his expression and keep selling marital bliss.

“I mean, isn’t it obvious? My brother and my best friend just got married! Why wouldn’t I love that? I love both of you separately, did you think I wouldn’t love you together?” Sirius still looks happy–jovial, even–but it’s slightly too manic to come across as sincere. He’s speaking through slightly gritted teeth.

“You don’t,” Regulus snorts, crossing his arms as he calls Sirius’s bluff.

“Oh, but I do, Reggie. I really, really do. In fact, I love it so much that I’ve gotten you both a little wedding present,” Sirius says, leaning forwards further and bouncing on the balls of his feet as he says it. The dread in James’ chest grows. There is no fucking way he’s got something, and even if he does, there’s no way that it can top this.

“No,” Regulus says, his eyes narrowed.

“Yes. Would you like to know what it is? I think you’ll really love it. Not as much as I love this,” Sirius waves a hand between the two of them, “but it might be close.”

Regulus stays quiet, but he looks at James like he’s supposed to do something about this. James can’t tell him that there’s very little he can do in the face of Sirius’s determination, especially when it comes to pranks. If he’s got something, he’s got something.

Sirius looks at James then, and James knows he’s fucked. He looks over Sirius’s shoulder at Remus pleadingly, but it’s no use; Remus just laughs at him. It’s a quiet laugh that says, ‘I told you so.’

James turns his attention back to Sirius, who is still waiting for one of them to prompt him to continue. He sighs, defeated. “What is it?”

Sirius pulls out his phone and starts to pull something up. “SO glad you asked, Prongsy-Boy!” He turns his phone around and shoves it in his and Regulus’s faces. “I got you both a honeymoon! Two weeks in Mexico at a lovely resort–”

“No,” Regulus deadpans with a raised eyebrow. “That’s ridiculous, Sirius, we can’t just stop our lives for two weeks to go gallivanting off to Mexico. We have jobs.”

“Oh Reggie. Reggie, Reggie, Reggie–I’ve already taken care of that. See, when I called your bosses and told them that you’d just gotten married and didn’t want to ask off work to take a honeymoon because you’re both just such good team players, they were more than happy to give you the time off, even so last minute! Isn’t that great?”

James almost laughs then, because he does not believe that this is going to work out for Sirius. It isn’t like he can force Regulus to go. Now, under different circumstances, James would gladly accept a free trip to Mexico. However, in this situation, he will hold out as long as Regulus does.

“I’m not spending two weeks in Mexico with–” Regulus starts, then cuts himself off, seeming to realize that he’s supposed to be selling this as something that’s at least going to last.

“With who? Your loving husband?” Sirius chuckles, “Nice vows, by the way. That was a nice touch; really sweet. Too bad they weren’t real–you almost had me fooled. And that kiss, wow, wow, that was something else. You guys really committed to the bit, and I’ve got to give you props for that, but-”

“Sirius,” James laughs, “it is real.”

“James, it’s clearly a prank; I’m not stupid,” Sirius crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“Beg to differ,” Regulus mutters under his breath.

“No, I mean it’s legal. We’re genuinely married. We’ve got a certificate and everything,” James smiles, eyebrows raised.

Sirius frowns, shaking his head. “No, that’s not…you wouldn’t do that. And you,” he points to Regulus, “definitely wouldn’t do that. That would be insane.”

“Oh, but we did do that,” James nods, fitting his arm around Regulus’s shoulders and pulling him into his side. “It was real.”

Sirius laughs, his eyes zeroed in on where James’ hand is resting on Regulus’s arm. “I don’t believe you.”

“He’s not lying,” Regulus smirks, his own arm wrapping around James’ waist. “Would you like to see the certificate?”

“Yes, actually, I would,” Sirius nods, straightening up. His jolly, triumphant demeanor has been put on pause, and James has returned to feeling like he pulled it off. He’s also pretty sure at this point that Sirius is bluffing about the whole honeymoon thing.

“Alright, follow me,” Regulus grins, and he leads them all out of the room and down the hall to where they filled out the paperwork.

The officiant stuck around so he could have dinner, so luckily the certificate is still here to be shown. It’s sitting on a desk, with their names and the witness’s signature clear as day—official, legal, and binding. Sirius goes to pick it up, but Regulus stops him with a hand on his wrist.

“No way am I letting you touch that. You’ll just tear it up,” he huffs, defensive. Something in James’ stomach lights up at his tone.

“Fine,” Sirius grumbles, leaning over the paper to look at it instead. He takes his time with it, scrutinizing every word, every signature. James can see the moment that it sinks in that it is, in fact, legal. Sirius’s eyes widen, his fists clench, and his jaw tightens.

“You can’t be fucking serious,” he deadpans, straightening up and looking between them.

James snorts, “No, that would be adultery, plus I wouldn’t want Remus to kill me.”

“James,” Sirius says warningly before turning his attention to Regulus and continuing, “Why would you do this? This is so stupid,” he motions toward the paper.

Regulus’s posture straightens even more than its typical baseline. “You do stupid things all the time; why shouldn’t I? It’s funny. I mean, look at yourself, Sirius, you’re livid.”

“And livid was the goal?! What the fuck, Reggie?! You’re better than this!” Sirius motions to the paper again, and James tries not to let that sting. Even if it was the whole point of the prank, what would be so bad about Regulus marrying him? He could do much worse.

Regulus smirks, “Obviously I’m not. You try to piss me off on purpose all the time; this is just payback. I’m not above retaliation.”

“And when Mother and Father hear about this? Did you even think about that?!”

Regulus’s face darkens at the mention of their parents. James winces, because he hadn’t thought of that. Regulus hasn’t shut his family out completely the way Sirius has, and it’s hard to keep things from getting back to them even if you try your best.

“Since when do you care what Mother and Father think?” Regulus snaps. Remus looks over Sirius’s shoulder, making eye contact with James. And while James still thinks this is the best prank idea he’s ever had, he’s starting to feel like he should have maybe thought out the potential cons a bit more.

“I don’t care what they think about me, Reg, but they’re still in your fucking life! I don’t want you to get hurt!”

“You clearly weren’t thinking about that when you told my boss that I just got married!” Regulus shoots back. “Whether it’s because of that or something else, they’re going to find out, and they aren’t going to like it—but I’m an adult, Sirius, they aren’t going to hurt me. And anyway, they can’t tell me who to fucking marry, or when, or how, or why, and neither can you!”

Sirius’s nostrils flare as he exhales harshly, falling silent rather than pushing the issue. Regulus is right, after all. He’s in control of his own life. Sirius rolls his shoulders, then his neck, and forces himself to relax.

“You know as well as I do that you being an adult doesn’t matter to them. Whatever. It isn’t like this is going to last, anyway; I still know you, and I know you too, James. It doesn’t mean anything. You’re just going to get it annulled. I mean,” he laughs, “you didn’t even consider the honeymoon. Two weeks is just too much, huh? You two couldn’t even last a weekend around each other, so…sorry, James, but you’re not gonna get me with this one.”

James does not point out that he absolutely did get Sirius with it already. It may not have gone the way he thought it was going to, but still. He did it. He is a bit disappointed that Sirius called them out, but he planned for this. They’ll just stay married until Sirius starts to sweat, and then they can get it annulled. It’ll be okay. Nothing is fucked here.

And, separately, James doesn’t agree with Sirius for one second. He and Regulus could absolutely last a weekend around each other. Regulus might get annoyed with him, sure, but it wouldn’t result in hatred or death–hopefully. If it were just about James, he’s certain that he could spend the two weeks around Regulus with no issue whatsoever. A month, even. Maybe more. James just generally enjoys being around Regulus. In fact, he thinks the honeymoon would be fun, and he would say as much if he didn’t know that Regulus would shut it down and prove Sirius’s point further.

“Why do you think that we couldn’t last a weekend around each other?” Regulus asks, his tone dripping with annoyance.

Sirius huffs a laugh. “Come on, you aren’t seriously asking me that, are you? You think James is fucking annoying! You think he’s immature! And shallow! You’ve said all of this a thousand times!”

This is true. Regulus has said all of that in front of James, even. Several times. James never put much stock in it, however. He figured, and figures now, that Regulus wouldn’t talk to him if he genuinely disliked him. They’ve spoken practically every day for the past two months and Regulus hasn’t seemed even for one second to be faking friendliness. He hasn’t stopped saying those things amongst other choice words, but they carry no weight. Unless they do, in which case James really needs to examine his ability to read tone. He swallows as a tiny crack of insecurity starts to open up in his mind.

“We’re going on the honeymoon,” Regulus says. He lifts his chin in challenge to Sirius, not bothering to consult James on the matter.

James’ eyebrows shoot up as the insecurity is shocked right out of him. “We are?”

“Yes. We just got married, and my brother was kind enough to arrange a very nice trip for us on very short notice. I’d love to go to Mexico with you,” Regulus tells him, and it seems like every word is born of nothing but deep seated rage. It looks painful, almost. James hopes he means it at least to some extent, though–that he’d love to go to Mexico with him.

Sirius scoffs and Regulus tilts his head to the side, crossing his arms. “I doubt he even actually booked anything, though, and I highly doubt that he talked to our bosses for us. He just thought he’d try to turn it around on us.”

“Oh no, I did book it. Right, Moons?” Sirius looks back at Remus, who has up until this point just been watching silently.

He is hesitant when clearing his throat and answering simply, “He did.”

“You actually just went ahead and booked a two week honeymoon for me and James?!” Regulus is incredulous, and James sighs. Regulus had just been trying to call Sirius on his bluff–which, of course, has turned out not to be a bluff at all, but James could have told him that.

“You actually married my best fucking friend!”

“He married me too, asshole! He proposed to me! Why aren’t you looking at him?!”

“Oh, I’m going to deal with him later, trust me,” Sirius huffs, shaking his head and pointedly not looking at James.

“You won’t have time to ‘deal with him later’, Sirius.” Regulus steps close to James and takes his arm, keeping his eyes on his brother. “My husband and I are going to go out and enjoy dinner together, we’re going to dance, then we’re going to go pack together for our trip. When do we leave?”

“The flight is tomorrow at six in the morning,” Sirius raises an eyebrow, smirking at the annoyed twitch in Regulus’s eye.

“Perfect. I can’t wait. Come on, James, we have to go,” Regulus starts tugging James out of the room, and James turns to look over his shoulder at Sirius, unsure of how this all got to this point, and why Sirius hasn’t tried to talk to him or yell at him specifically.

“Great! I’ll send you both everything you need! Check your emails!” Sirius calls after them. He looks so, so smug, so satisfied, and James’ eyes widen. That manipulative fuck just played Regulus like a violin. Sirius meets James’ eye, and right before the door swings shut behind them, he mouths ‘Good luck.’

Despite how sure Sirius seems to be that this ‘honeymoon’ plan is going to be horrible for James and Regulus, James is even more sure that it’s going to be the exact opposite. Sirius is anticipating them feeling put out, cramped, annoyed, angry, tired of each other, whatever–and he could be right. He could be right. Regulus could be over it and spend the trip snapping at him and wishing he were anywhere but in Mexico with James, which would make James angry and regretful and spend the trip moping on the beach or something ridiculous like that.

Or, it could be boring. They could discover that outside of a group setting or colluding on a master plan, they don’t actually get along very well. They could spend the two weeks in amicable awkwardness, just trying to get through it. That could be excruciating in its own way; not to mention disappointing. James thinks back to the night of the proposal; how they spent hours talking and the plan hadn’t come up once, and how he had felt so…enraptured. Engaged. And then engaged literally, as well. He doubts that it’ll be boring–but it could be.

All that said, James has a feeling about this trip. He can’t place it, but it’s there, and it’s good. Sirius can have his assumptions. He can think that he’s going to turn this around on them and ‘win’. He can spend the next two weeks giggling to himself about how he ‘trapped’ them in Mexico together and how they’re going to come back hating each other. It’ll just make it so much sweeter when they prove him wrong.