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seonghwa watched and listened attentively to his best friend talk everyone's ear off about some new project of his, leaning his head on hongjoong's shoulder, the younger's arm instantly wrapping around him, both of them naturally attaching themselves to each other as if there was no one else around.
they spend their nights talking, like they always have, about life, fears, dreams, everything that made them who they were, their defaults and mistakes, the dark side of them, the good and vulnerable one, all of them. by this time, it was a ritual, these conversations where they unraveled themselves in front of each other, sharing the kinds of things no one else in the world would understand, no one else but them, them in their own little world.
nobody had ever known seonghwa like this. no one else had ever held his heart entirely. he could tell joong anything, reveal the most fragile parts of his soul and the sickest parts of his mind, and the latter would always listen, always comfort him in a way only he knew how. every so often, in the quiet moments, he would look at hongjoong and wonder how someone could feel so close, so perfect, and still be so hopelessly far away. it was in moments like these where everything felt so real, so intimate. it was like standing across something and wanting to reach, so close to having that, having everything, but knowing deep down it wasn't his to have.
because that was the painful flaw. they were soulmates in every sense that mattered, and yet hongjoong would never see them as anything more than that. just two people intertwined by fate, bound only by friendship. seonghwa would feel it in the way joong looked at him in silence, like the rest of the world didn't matter, almost fooling himself and believing there was a hint of love behind the younger's gaze that felt too intense for it to be friendly. it was driving seonghwa mad. and then, consequently, someone would break him out of his thoughts and ask.
"are you guys finally... you know, something?"
to which hongjoong would just laugh. every single time. his answer would always be a casual chuckle, brushing it off as if the question was something ridiculous, denying it in a carefree way.
his words crushed him, they felt like a stab with a twist of the knife in hwa's heart again and again. even though he should already be used to it. he should have become inmune to the pain, but it never happened. they just pulled him back into the cruel reality. every time he would just stay silent, exhibiting a small smile to dismiss any suspicion he could cause, as if the previous moment didn't tear him apart piece by piece. and it hurt. god, it really hurt so much.
after all those denials, after the world was reminded they were nothing more than a pair of simple soulmates, hongjoong would come back as if nothing happened. the lingering touches, the way his voice would soften when speaking to him, it all remained the same, but each time with another reminder it would never be what seonghwa wanted it to be. it was a brutal cycle of hope followed by torturing heartbreak, leaving him trapped in a hellhole he built for himself.
he tried to live with it, convincing himself that being close was enough, that those moments that felt like home were worth the agony. but over time, it became a burden too heavy to carry anymore. his heart ached more than it should, the weight of the unspoken feelings suffocating him until he felt like he couldn't breathe.
he also tried to hate hongjoong for it, for every mixed signal that sent him into confusion, but he couldn't. how could he hate the only person that brought light to his life when it was steeped deep in misery?
it was like breathing underwater, gasping for air that would never come, drowning in affection that would never truly belong to him. and seonghwa knew, he knew this was never going to end. this silent suffering, this constant ache in his chest, would always be there as long as hongjoong stayed.
for years, the pain had been persistent, settling deep inside seonghwa. his body started to follow his heart, decaying under the weight of it all, until he felt like a hollow version of the person he used to be, it felt like he was rotting from the inside out, collapsing under the burden of a soul too full of love that would never be returned.
and so, he slowly started to pull away little by little, retreating from that intimacy, trying to protect himself from the love that was slowly killing him. the rest of their friends started to notice, asking constantly if he was doing okay. seonghwa would just smile, a small and weak expression that never reached his eyes, and dismiss it.
"don't worry," he would softly let out, his voice almost empty, "just tired, that's all."
but he wasn't "just tired". he was breaking, falling apart under the weight of something he couldn't escape. he let himself fall too deep, love too hard, and there was no coming back from it. every single day felt heavier than the last, every smile more forced, every laugh more distant. the love that had once made him feel alive was now ending him, pulling until he couldn't hold himself anymore.
and while all this occured, hongjoong remained the same.
then somehow, unexpectedly, someone new appeared on seonghwa's life, he found someone else. someone who didn't laugh off his love, who didn't deny what they were becoming. it wasn't sudden, and it wasn't easy, his heart still on edge and wary of love. at first, he felt guilty, like he was betraying the years of silent longing, like he was betraying him.
but progressively, this new person helped him heal. he was patient, kind, and for the first time, he felt what it was like to be loved without conditions or limits. the pain of his unrequited love didn't fade overnight, seonghwa could still see and feel bits of hongjoong in this new person, small reminders of who his heart first belonged to. but that pain softened, the sharp edges dulled, until it became easy to live with.
and then one day, he realized it didn't hurt anymore. the pressure had lifted, and the love that had once consumed him almost entirely was gone, replaced by something warmer, gentler, with someone who saw him the way he had always wanted to be seen.
seonghwa had moved on. he had found peace.
but the irony of it all? that was when hongjoong started to change.
it started off subtly-a lingering glance, a quietness between them that had never existed before. seonghwa noticed how his best friend seemed lost in thought whenever they were together, more distant, how his touch grew cautious, as if something unspoken had shifted between them. they still kept their friendly closeness, they still shared those deep, soul-baring conversations, but the ease was long gone.
then one night, in a casual hangout with the rest of their friends, when the question was asked again-"were they together?" "did something happen between them?" - hongjoong didn't laugh like he always did, he didn't shrug it off playfully like before.
instead, something flickered faintly in his eyes. regret. sadness. pain.
"no" he denied, but his words were strained, sounding like they were caught on his throat, hurting as they came out. "we're not like that. it's not like that"
and for once, the denial didn't seem so certain as it did months before.
it wasn't until a while later that the truth finally surfaced. in the quietness of one of their usual late-night conversation, they laid face to face on seonghwa's bed, sharing the warmth of their bodies. hongjoong, uncharacteristically, wasn't sure what to say, he kept stuttering and struggling to find the right words to say. his voice was quieter than usual, eyes shining with tears that threatened to escape, he looked vulnerable, almost fragile, when he finally admitted it.
"seonghwa," he whispered, clearing his throat before continuing, "i think i... i think i had feelings for you. maybe i always did. i was too blind and caught up in everything to see it, i just didn't realize it until you weren't there anymore."
hongjoong avoided seonghwa's gaze, suddenly the sheet pattern seeming more interesting than their conversation.
his confession hung in the air between them, weighted with too much unsaid. hongjoong's teary eyes finally met seonghwa's, they seemed pleading, desperate, as if waiting for some kind of redemption, some way to undo the past and retrieve something lost.
but it was too late. he was too late.
seonghwa felt his heart ache, his chest felt burdened again, but not in the way it once had. this time, it was a different kind of grief, because in a certain moment, he would have given and done anything to hear those words. he had spent so many years hoping for that very moment, wondering how it would feel like for his hongjoong to finally see him. but now?
now it felt like chasing a ghost of something that never was. the love and devotion he had been consumed by had faded. he moved on, and he couldn't go back, not when it hurt his soul so much to get himself back up.
"hongjoongie... i waited for you," hwa murmured as soft as he could, his voice steady but filled with quiet regret. "for so long, it felt like an eternity. but you never saw me like that and i couldn't wait forever, i was losing myself."
the silence that followed was suffocating, the air suddenly feeling thick and heavy. the younger's face fell, the harsh truth settling in-realizing what he had lost, what he had denied for too long, and how there was not another chance to redeem himself and undo it now.
between them lingered the bitter taste of a cruel twist that had turned everything around. the one who had once been clueless, blind to the love that was always right in front of him, was now the one trapped in a cycle, a painful loop of yearning and longing of something that was out of his reach. their roles had reversed, but it was the same old pain.
and like before, it would be one-sided unreturned love.
only this time, it was hongjoong watching helplessly by the sidelines as seonghwa moved on with someone who loved him without hesitation in a way he never had the courage to.
hwa could see it in his best friend's eyes, the despair and hopelessness, the silent plea for another chance. there was nothing seonghwa could offer anymore, he couldn't give it to him. he had finally found something real, something healthy and warm, something that didn't tear him apart and tugged painfully at his heartstrings. he found love, and this time, it wasn't killing him.
he gave hongjoong a sad smile, lifting his hand to caress the latter's cheek softly, as if he was made of thin crystal could break at any moment given, knowing that nothing he said could make this better, no words would ease the ache.
"i'm so sorry," seonghwa whispered. and he meant it, he really did, if only joong would've realized his feelings earlier, everything could have worked out perfectly, if only. "but it's too late, hongjoong."
and with that, it was all over, those who where once strangers turned to friends, then friends to unspoken lovers, then strangers again. seonghwa, with much guilt, left his best friend behind just like he once was, freeing himself from the pain of loving. but now it was hongjoong's turn to live with the agony, the ache, the regret of being too late, of being a clueless blind coward, now it was his turn to fall into that hopelessness.
and just like seonghwa, he would never truly heal from it. because deep down, they both know their hearts will always belong to each other, but it will never be as they desire.