Chapter Text
“Say it”, Vi began to speak after facing the wall of the prison cell again. “You told me so. I was an idiot to trust. I went behind your back. I choose wrong every time… and because of it. I have lost everyone”
Cait watched as Vi’s hand grabbed her own neck. She heard what she was feeling in the way she spoke to her. The amount of disappointment in her voice was heartbreaking. Disappointment towards Jinx.. towards Caitlyn.. but mostly towards herself. She lost everyone. Not for the first time in her life.
After a moment Cait decided to approach her and lean against the wall next to her. With a slight smile on her face she seeked Vi's attention. “You really think I needed all the guards at the Hexgates?”, she asked teasingly. Hoping Vi would understand.
Vi quickly turned to face her. The expression on her face changing as she is processing what Cait had just said. “Cait?”
“Sorry to say. You have grown a bit predictable”, Cait continued, the smile on her face growing a bit.
“You.. you wanted me to try to talk to her? You knew I would. You knew of the risks of leaving with her… but you still did. Why Cait?”, Vi asked, still processing the information in her head.
Cait thought before answering but quickly remembered that there are other ways to communicate. Slowly she reached for Vi's cheek wanting to hold it like she used to. She thought about the time when they were laying in her bed for the first time. It seemed like days ago but so much has happened ever since. So much had changed. But still she tried. She got closer but stopped when Vi started to move away.
Immediately Caitlyn hearts began to shatter. She knew how bad she had messed up but seeing Vi move away from her touch still surprised her in a way.
“Things have changed, Cait. You have changed”, Vi began to explain while facing the wall again. “Even though you promised you wouldn't. You left me that day. And you hurt me. In many different ways.”
Cait knew that this was her last chance to talk to Vi. “Vi. Can you look at me?", she asked while somehow trying to make eye contact again. “Please?”. Her voice began to break as she did not see Vi move at first. After a few more seconds of waiting she finally faced her again. Her face clearly showed how hurt she still was.
“I don't expect you to ever forgive me for what I did. Not only to you, but the whole undercity.” Caitlyn's voice was weak but she needed to say what she felt right now. “I was wrong to offer you the badge. I was wrong to ask you to kill your own sister. And I was so wrong to leave you that day. Not only to leave you but also to hit you. Not a day has passed without thinking about that broken look on your face while I began to climb the ladder. That look that I was the reason for..”, she continued. Her voice began to break more and she felt tears forming in her own eyes. But she didn't feel sad. She felt anger. Anger at herself.
Vi noticed it immediately and understood how hard this was for her. Still she stayed silent and let her continue.
“You didn't deserve any of this Vi. Everyone around me began to suffer from my stupid decisions. And it hit you the strongest”, Cait said while her hand turned into a fist. Strong enough to hurt her while doing so. But she didn't care. “The amount of pain you must have felt the last couple of months must have been extreme. I saw it immediately when I met you in Victor's camp. But it was even worse than I thought then. I am the reason you lost yourself. I am the reason you lost your family again. And I am the reason the whole undercity is doing worse than before..”, she said angrily. Her fingernails pressing into her own hands hard enough to make her bleed a little.
Vi immediately saw the light flinch of pain through her anger. Quickly she also noticed how Cait started to hurt herself and tried to reach for her arm.
“Don't Vi. I am not finished”, Cait said while pulling away herself this time. “I already told you how you were on my mind everyday. I just couldn't stop thinking about you. In my worst times and even during the very few happy moments I had since then, all I really saw was you. Or rather what I had left behind when betraying you. I couldn't live with missing you so much anymore. So I… I started to see someone else.” Finally Cait was no longer able to look at Vi. Instead she faced the floor, not capable of seeing Vi’s reaction to what she hated to admit most. “I told myself that we were never really together. And that it would be ok to see someone else. To try to love someone else. And to sleep with someone else.. But that was bullshit. Everything I did was bullshit. I hurt you in more ways than I could ever think off. But nothing was enough to ever forget you.”
VI felt too many emotions to even properly know what she was feeling. She was also unable to properly think at this point. So her body kind of moved on its own. Carefully she tried to reach for Caitlyn's arm again. This time she didn't have the will to pull away. “Cait?”
Cait was scared of what she would see if she looked up again. While tears ran down her cheeks, she realized that she had to still meet Vi’s face again. And so she did. Before even being able to process the look on Vi’s face, she was quickly interrupted. “Did you ever love her, Cait? Were you able to move on even just for a single moment?”
Not being able to answer with her voice, she firstly just shook her head slowly. “Never”
“All you talked about was right, Cait. The amount of pain you caused and what kind of decisions you made.”, Vi began while moving her hand down Caitlyn's arm until finally reaching her hand and holding it.
“I don't think I can ever forget what you did. And I don't think I can ever forgive you for what you did either. But I know how hard the last couple of months have been on you. Cause that's what I felt too. By helping me with Vander, you have shown me that I haven't completely lost you. You are still in there Cait. You have changed, but in some way you are still the girl who saved me from prison. The girl I… the girl I fell in love with. I want to try to forgive you Cait. But I need your help with that. Please don't leave me like that again…” Finally Vi was unable to hold her own tears any longer.
“Oh Vi..”, before completely breaking down, Cait decided to hug Vi tightly. She knew this was her last chance and she did not want to fail her again. Her sobbing got louder as all the build up emotions from the last months were finally able to be let out.
Quickly Vi wrapped her own arms around Cait and held her close. Both of them have been through so much. And even though Cait was the reason for most of her pain the last couple of months, she knew that it was the same person who could make her happy in the future. She was the person she wanted to heal with. Together.