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Anya’s busy going over inventory with Curly. Protocol and all. Daisuke swallows. His parents had paid for him to have his shots stocked on the ship. He’s not ungrateful- he’s so grateful for that- but that doesn’t mean it’s any less scary to stick a needle in his own skin. Daisuke doesn’t like being alone during it; there’s nothing to distract him from metal sinking under flesh, and despite how Swansea may view him, he doesn’t like hearing himself talk if there’s no one to listen.
Swansea. Now there’s an idea.
Anya knows because she’s the nurse, and she’s been nothing but kind about it. Truly, Daisuke hasn’t encountered many people who aren’t. It’s a privilege that he wears alongside all the others: his family’s money, his parents’ acceptance, his early top surgery. Et cetera, et cetera.
Daisuke may like to see the good in people, and Swansea would call him naive for that, but he really does think Swansea will be fine with it. The man will probably shrug it off, as indifferent as ever, or make a cynical joke about Daisuke shooting up like he’s doing drugs instead of… well, they’re technically steroids, but that makes it sound way different! Ultimately, though, Swansea is a good guy, even if he tries not to seem like it.
He pulls the prefilled syringe out of his case in the fridge. It’s near the bottom and it’s white as the rest of the inside, so he doesn’t think anyone else has noticed. The needle glints in the light, and Daisuke goes to track down Swansea before he can get too nervous.
“Hey Swansea? You busy?” The man’s in Utility, fixing a flickering light. Not broken, not entirely, but he’d said that it was better to catch it now than after the bulb’s blown or something similar.
“Always, you lazy ass. Where’ve you been?” Swansea may be a grump, but he’s concerned when it matters, and Daisuke randomly disappearing apparently matters to him. Daisuke beams. He hadn’t made an excuse beforehand this time, so now he can tell the truth easier. Which is good, because while he’s gotten used to lying to keep himself safe, that doesn’t mean he likes it.
“Getting my shot.”
“What?” Alarmed eyes meet his, and Daisuke takes a deep breath.
“OkaysoI’mtransandAnya’sbusyandIreallydon’tlikebeingalonewhenIdoitsoisitokayifIdoitinhere?” Swansea’s brows furrow in that way they always do when he doesn’t understand something, whether it be slang or mumbling or too-fast speech, and Daisuke relaxes despite himself. “Um, sorry Swansea. I’m trans, and I need to take my testosterone shot, but Anya’s busy. Mind if I do it in here with you?”
“Oh.” Daisuke bites his bottom lip- nervous habit- but Swansea shakes his head like he’s getting water out his ears. “No, I, ah, don’t mind at all, son. ‘S long as you get back to work after.” Daisuke can’t help how bright his smile gets, and Swansea makes a fake retching sound. Son. Not kid, but something familiar and correctly gendered. Daisuke appreciates the peek behind the rough exterior.
He sits and shimmies his pants down a bit so he can move his boxers up on one side and expose his thigh. The shot goes quickly, especially since he can babble to Swansea about the nonsense in his brain. Last time, he’d talked about how pinatas basically function the same way that loot does in games, and Anya hadn’t understood all that well but she’d indulged him. This time he’s in the middle of a sentence about how the emergency insulation foam is designed to line seams in the ship between walls and the floor or ceiling directly after covering actual weak points, and how that probably says something about how much confidence the company has in its welders-
Jimmy’s somehow appeared at the door, and if Daisuke had been doing anything besides smoothing a sticky bandage onto his thigh, his resulting jump could’ve gone very bad. As it is, it’s not like Jimmy meant to scare them, so he cuts his sentence in half to say hi.
“Daisuke,” Jimmy greets curtly, like usual. A lot of the time, Daisuke wonders how he and Curly ever got to be friends, since Jimmy’s somehow so quiet and so brash at the same time. Still, good people stick with good people, or at least, that’s what Daisuke’s mother says. “Have you seen An-?”
The man’s eyes are so fixated on his bandage, Jimmy stops in the middle of Anya’s name. When Daisuke shifts, uncomfortable from the staring but not unconfident in the wake of Swansea accepting him, those same eyes flick to the empty syringe resting on the bandage wrapper. Then Daisuke finds himself scrambling back as Jimmy storms forward, heart racing, although Jimmy does nothing but pick up the syringe and read the label.
“Knock it off, you’re scaring him.” Daisuke would argue. But. Swansea isn’t exactly incorrect, as Jimmy’s shoulders don’t tense but instead still, noticeably, as he reads the label and the gears in his head turn. Daisuke has to spend months around this guy, even if he’s not interning directly underneath him, and he’d hate it if…
“Your daddy buy you these so you could bulk up? Don’t think they’re worth his money.” Daisuke blows out a breath and easily ignores the jab- none of the men in his family are particularly big, it’s genetics and he knows it- and he explains himself.
“I’m trans.” Jimmy doesn’t react, much. That’s probably a good sign; if he had a problem, he’d probably start talking immediately, telling on himself like one of Daisuke’s old tutors had by calling him ‘Miss Juarez’ at the first opportunity. Daisuke still can’t help but hold his breath.
“Weren’t you looking for Anya? She was reviewing medical inventory with Captain, though she’ll probably be back in the medbay by now.” Swansea’s interruption had Jimmy’s gaze breaking, and the man straightens up a bit.
“Yeah. Anya.” His voice sounds a bit distant, but Daisuke’s had friends before who’ve been pretty shocked once he came out. Besides, if Jimmy’s here, then Daisuke can get back to work even quicker!
“Hey, Jimmy, if you’re going back to the medbay anyway, would you mind putting that in the sharps container for me?” He’s met with a slow smile, and he knew it’d be fine, even if there was a bit of a misunderstanding at first. He returns the grin.
“Sure thing, Dai.” He blinks at the nickname, but Jimmy’s gone before he can say much of anything back, amd he pulls his pants back up and stands to help Swansea.
“Y’know, I think he’s warming up to me!” Daisuke grabs a tool and hands it to Swansea, who’s been blindly groping along the table for a good thirty seconds. Swansea doesn’t respond, but judging by his pursed expression as he works, he’s probably listening, so Daisuke fills the air between them.
#I#HOPE#THIS#HURTS#
Jimmy’s been—well, not nicer, but maybe friendlier! He’s been hanging around a lot, taking his breaks when Daisuke does, which is really cool of him. Like Swansea’s said before, breaks are really your only personal time on the Tulpar, and most of the crew doesn’t want their break to be full of Daisuke’s chatter. But Jimmy doesn’t seem to mind at all, even if he sometimes zones out staring. Jimmy even confides a bit in Daisuke, telling him how hard being a co-pilot can be, how tired he gets. And though Daisuke feels a little bad, he still thinks it’s the coolest thing ever when Jimmy says he’ll have to show him ‘round the cockpit sometime.
“Dai, how are you?” And that’s another thing! The nickname has stuck! It feels nice to have something connecting the two of them like that. Anya helps with his shots, and Swansea calls him son on occasion, and Captain Curly gives him topics to ramble about in the background while he’s doing work, but Daisuke’s new to the whole space thing and he’d been worried when Jimmy was quiet at first that he wasn’t going to really befriend everyone. Looks like he doesn’t need to worry about that anymore!
A sudden hand waves in front of his face as another one clamps down on his shoulder. He startles, eyes locking onto Jimmy’s. There’s a certain smile that’s always there now when Jimmy sees him, and it’s different from the ones he gives Curly after a fake bro punch to the shoulder. Daisuke doesn’t think it’s the best smile: that award goes to his mom, and it will forever, and Jimmy’s smile is a bit lopsided like a smirk. Still, it’s one just for him, and it’s a smile, and that makes it good.
“Earth to Dai? Or, well, space.” Daisuke bursts into giggles and Jimmy’s smile goes more self satisfied. “No one appreciates my humor like you do.”
“Their loss,” Daisuke manages once he’s recovered a tad from the laughter, and Jimmy lights up.
Back and forth banter carries them back to Utility, but as Daisuke is about to split, Swansea opens the door and scowls at them both. Maybe it’s out of character, or maybe it’s just jarring after the easy conversation with Jimmy, but Daisuke is a little taken aback, and maybe even hurt.
“Hands off, Jimbo.” Daisuke won’t say he didn’t notice the arm around his shoulders, because it felt a bit like it looked on Curly- fond and brotherly- but his attention is more drawn to it when Swansea comments. Jimmy obediently withdraws, hands raised in surrender. Daisuke feels a bit cold now. Bereft, even.
“Geez, no need to snap. Dai can have other friends, you know.” Daisuke fully agrees, though he might not have put it quite like that. Still, the glare Swansea sends his friend’s way is totally unwarranted.
“Funny, you’re making it sound like you aren’t thirty-four.” Daisuke can feel his brows furrow.
“Why would that matter? You’re older than that. Are we… not friends?” Swansea looks at him, really looks at him.
“Don’t hurt his feelings, Swansea.” The man’s glare passes over to Jimmy, like they’re having a conversation between adults and Daisuke’s a fussy toddler in the middle.
Daisuke realizes that, to this guy, he’s just a stupid kid.
He takes a step back.
“Kid,” hits like a baseball bat to the stomach. Like the idiot child Swansea will apparently always see him as, he runs.
It won’t solve anything. It won’t help anything. It wastes energy and time and hydration, because his stupid body can’t help but cry. Maybe he really is dumb; this is a learning opportunity, not a social club. Daisuke really thought that maybe Swansea liked him under all that gruff attitude. But the man calls him lazy or moronic or ‘a noisy fucking chatterbox’ every minute of the day. Can’t get much more obvious than that. But Daisuke had wanted to keep his eyes closed.
“Kid?” It hurts, but it’s not Swansea. He looks up through the curtain of his hair, his head still half buried in his bent knees. It’s Captain Curly. He sniffs, trying not to get all snotty like what a proper cry does to you. “Kid, will you talk to me? I just gave the ship over to Jimmy. He wanted to come after you but I said I’d make sure you were okay before I hit the hay. Captain stuff and all that.”
It’s not a surprise that Jimmy wanted to help, but it settles something in Daisuke’s chest. Jimmy cares, even if Swansea doesn’t. He raises his head further, uncurling, and uses his flowery overshirt to wipe the tears off his face. He hates being so sensitive.
“It’s not really important. Just, I was starting to think that Swansea actually liked me, but he doesn’t. I think he’s mad I’m making friends with Jimmy.” Captain’s eyes light up.
“You’re making friends with Jimmy? Oh that’s great!” Then Captain falters. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t even address what you said about Swansea. Shit- Crap, don’t repeat that. Crap.” Daisuke laughs despite himself, and Captain Curly looks sheepish and happier at the same time. There are great big bags under his eyes, and Daisuke wonders if he’s been worried about Jimmy, since he hardly ever gets to see him.
“‘S alright, Captain. Swansea-” swears all the time. Daisuke doesn’t finish that sentence, except in his head. Captain’s bashful smile transforms into something serious and reassuring.
“What did he say to you? We can work this out. You’re my crew, you’re my responsibility.”
“It’s not as bad as you think. He just… said we weren’t friends and implied that Jimmy wasn’t really my friend either. He doesn’t need to get in trouble or anything, I just took it hard. But I know Jimmy wouldn’t use me like that.” Curly’s relief is tangible, and Daisuke’s glad he can do this one thing to help his Captain. The man opens his mouth again with a smile that’s a bit more sly.
“You know, your internship isn’t confined to mechanics stuff. Just because you aren’t certified to help Anya out in medical doesn’t mean Jimmy can’t show you the ropes of co-piloting.” Daisuke’s uncle would’ve said that his grin is eating his face, but Captain Curly doesn’t seem to mind at all.
#I#HOPE#THIS#HURTS#
“...he’s backed off… think you know why…” Daisuke doesn’t pay much attention to the conversation he hears in the medbay before he knocks, instead focusing on biting his tongue and bouncing from foot to foot so the papercut stings less. “Oh, c-come in!” He pushes open the door and his spine stiffens at the sight of Swansea. Which is stupid. But Daisuke hadn’t thought he’d be there.
Swansea has a tight wrap of gauze around his palm. It isn’t bleeding through, and Anya doesn’t look worried for him, so Daisuke decides he doesn’t have to worry for him either. After all, it’s not like they’re friends.
“Oh, Daisuke, are you hurt too?” He sends an easy smiles at Anya but ignores Swansea’s gaze, though he can feel it burrowing holes in the side of his head.
“I’m okay, I promise! Just a papercut, thought I’d get a little sticky bandage so there’s a bit more pressure on it. No worries!” Anya settles back down into her expression that’s fond and tired but less concerned than before, her lips twitching up.
“Good. Um, how’s… How’s J-Jimmy?” She stutters over the name, but she used to stutter over everything, so his smile turns encouraging before he’s truly processed her question and then it turns delighted.
“He’s great! I mean, I can’t speak for him, obviously, but he’s a great guy. He’s showing me all the co-pilot stuff, and he doesn’t get mad when I misunderstand something, and since autopilot’s on he can walk me through everything and sometimes if I make a mistake he’ll just move my hands and pretend like I did it right to make me feel less bad about it-”
Swansea storms out, and Anya looks shaken, probably at how rude he’s become. Daisuke reassures her that if she has problems with Swansea, she can talk to Curly, but she insists it’s fine before kindly reminding him to get a sticky bandage for his papercut. She might do this all the time, being a company nurse, but it’s always helpful.
Gosh, Anya’s so cool. He tells her so before running back to Jimmy.
#I#HOPE#THIS#HURTS#
“Hey Dai, want to have a sleepover tonight? The old man is having his psych eval, and Curly’s piloting, so we should be able to have a bit of fun without them all kicking up a fuss about company time.” Daisuke’s eyes widen and he looks out the cockpit window to see no one else in the hall but still keeps his voice low. Only Jimmy can make him feel like a little kid with a secret without making him feel any less mature or liked for it.
“Dude, that sounds so cool! I’m so down,” he promises. “My parents never let me have sleepovers growing up. Except with my cousins, but that doesn’t really count, especially since they’re all younger than me, y’know?”
“Yeah. But you’re sure grown now, aren’t you?” Something about that makes him flush. It’s probably the fact that Jimmy’s good at treating him like the adult he is, even when he acts like a kid. Clearly, Jimmy doesn’t expect him to actually answer, because he presses on. “Head to my sleeping quarters when Curly comes to take over, and I’ll grab some coffee for both of us. We deserve a little caffeine.”
Daisuke would be practically skipping through the halls if he didn’t want to avoid drawing attention from the rest of the crew.
When the door closes behind Jimmy, Daisuke sits up from where he was pretending to sleep and stretches his hands up to take the extra mug. It’s still warm, and it may be worse than any coffee off the ship, but it tastes good when Jimmy’s drinking it too.
Now, Jimmy’s strong, so Daisuke can’t help but feel a bit intimidated when Jimmy finishes his cup of joe and proposes wrestling as a good way to get the energy out. And yet, he won’t refuse him. It’s fun, like wrestling with his uncle, and though he knows he won’t win, it feels good. Takes of the edge off the homesickness. Until.
Jimmy gets him down on his stomach, one arm pinned under him and one arm in a painful hold behind his back, legs pinned down by legs. Daisuke grunts, but he can’t move.
“Tap, tapping out. You won, Jimmy.”
“Yeah, I really did. Don’t you think I deserve a reward?” Huh?
“…If this is about the sweetener packets-” He yelps as he feels fingers tracing in between the bottom hems of his shirts and his waistband. “Dude, what the fuck?” The exclamation only has Jimmy tightening his grip on his arm and sliding his other hand under his shirts, rucking up the fabric to expose more skin to cool air. Daisuke can’t help but shudder.
“You’ll thank me later. No one wants a girl like you, you’ve ruined your body too much, but if I put in a good word for you, maybe you’ll find someone.”
It feels like he’s been doused with ice cold piss: undoubtedly shocking and painful, but also disgusting to the point that he gags and nearly retches as he puts the puzzle pieces together.
“I’m not a girl, Jimmy, and I don’t need a reference. Get the fuck off me.” He jolts as those fingers wrap under his waistbands and yank down, but he genuinely doesn’t expect the hit. His face is burning and now so is his backside, and he just misses his dad.
“That’s something I don’t fucking like. You don’t talk like a lady should. But I’m so nice that I’ll teach you how, yeah? Be warned, I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to put you in your place, which is beneath me.” He grinds down, and through the rough denim scratching at sensitive skin, Daisuke vaguely registers that he’s hard, that seeing ‘Dai’ like this only adds to Jimmy’s pleasure.
“You’re sick.” Another hit, and then Jimmy continues like he hasn’t said anything at all. Maybe it’s unwise to provoke a rapist, but it’s this that has Daisuke wanting to cry; it’s proof that Jimmy truly doesn’t want to listen to him, that he considers him less worthy of speech, like he’s subhuman.
“You know, I was doing it all wrong before, with the nurse. Making her anxious, moving too fast. But I really thought she was my only chance of getting pussy on this ship.” There’s something like rage that bubbles at those words- he was planning to do this to Anya?- but it’s overshadowed by an overwhelming feeling of simple wrongness. Jimmy hasn’t been somehow mind controlled or brainwashed- there’s no tech, and no one to do it- and yet he’s an entirely different person. “I got lucky, though. Because you won’t tell anyone.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” He doesn’t swear, wanting to keep Jimmy focused and talking for as long as possible while he figures out what to do. Captain’s at the cockpit, and he’s friends with Jimmy anyway. He can’t call Anya, not after learning it was going to happen to her too. And Swansea…
In hindsight, Swansea had just been trying to protect him from a creep. And Daisuke had ignored him and gone along with Jimmy’s insults and misinterpreted him without even giving him a chance to explain. Would Swansea even come? He would, if he knew what was happening, but he doesn’t know.
“You won’t, because you think you’re a man, and men don’t get raped. So you’re either a bitch denying your true nature and secretly wanting it, or you’re a man who it didn’t happen to.” Daisuke can’t help the hitch of breath at the screwed up ultimatum, and it makes Jimmy laugh. He doesn’t believe it, of course. Trans men get raped all the time, and even cis men get raped. But Jimmy seems to think he believes it.
“I- Jimmy-” Jimmy doesn’t want to talk anymore. His hand slides up under his shirts again, diving down to the side of his chest, but when his fingers skip over scar tissue, he pinches the skin cruelly.
“God, why’d you have to fuck up your chest? Can’t fuck your tits now, so you’ll have to make it up to me. Maybe your throat…?” The irritation he began with leaks out in favor of a leering amusement, and Daisuke realizes it’s now or never. If something happens to his neck, he won’t even be able to rasp out a call for help.
“SWANSEA!”
In his desperation, he puts power behind that scream, and it seems to rattle through his body, making his own ears hurt and causing his throat to feel like something other than sound has ripped through it.
“You fucking bitch,” Jimmy hisses, but then the door flies wide open. Daisuke can’t see Swansea from this angle, at least, not until there’s a yowl as Jimmy’s weight is lifted off of him. Daisuke scrambles to pull his boxers and pants back up as he flips around.
Swansea looks murderous. He’s got Jimmy by the hair, and Jimmy twists and goes for a punch, but he just knees the man in his hard dick, causing a sound that Daisuke isn’t sure he’s heard before. Jimmy crumples, and Swansea gives him one mean punch to the face that audibly breaks his nose and knocks him out cold.
There’s a quiet that stretches, filled with panting breaths and small sniffs as tears finally spill over. He hadn’t quite cried when Jimmy insulted him and treated him so horrifically. He didn’t feel safe enough. But now it’s hitting again and near silent tears are flowing down his cheeks.
Footsteps rush down the hall. Anya and Captain Curly run in, and their eyes flick across the scene. Anya sees Daisuke crying and rushes to him, but he ends up flinching a little, only able to think about how Jimmy had talked about her. She stops in her tracks, and then she looks like she’s about to cry for him.
“What happened?” Curly asks Swansea, but Daisuke answers, wanting to get the words out of him like they’re something Jimmy has left inside.
“Jimmy tried to rape me.” Curly freezes, but Daisuke buries his face in his hands and starts crying harder as he keeps talking. “He tried to rape me, and he misgendered me and called me a bitch and said he was putting me in my place and he was so crass and awful and I thought he was my friend and I guess I really am th-that stupid-”
It’s getting harder to breathe, and he’s hiccuping through sobs. He hears his name being called, but he can’t help but think of ‘Dai, Dai, Dai.’
“Son! Slow down!” It knocks a bit of sense into him, and he looks up to see Swansea knelt in front of him, expression more openly concerned than he’s seen on the man, apparent even through blurry tears. He barely manages to get a hold on his breathing, but Swansea doesn’t try to touch him and he doesn’t patronize him, which really helps. “I promise we won’t let him do anything else to you, son. This should never have happened. You’re not stupid, that bastard just took advantage of you and your age, and I’m so grateful you called for me.”
Daisuke wraps his arms around Swansea without a thought, crying into his shoulder.
The man doesn’t push him off. Hesitantly, he wraps his own arms around Daisuke. It creates a thick line of warmth across his shoulders and the hand cradling the back of his head makes him think of how his dad hugs his aunt.
“You’ll be alright, son.” Daisuke does a movement that’s almost a nod, and Swansea just holds him. Jimmy isn’t fit, but he’s definitely not built like Swansea, and the distinct feel of Swansea’s gut is comforting in a way. Daisuke can’t forget that it isn’t Jimmy holding him like this, that it’s someone who protected him from Jimmy and came quicker than Daisuke even thought possible even after how they’d been treating him.
“I’m sorry for ignoring you, and for joking about your age and your weight with Ji- with him. I just, I didn’t think you liked me and I got all sad like an idiot-”
Swansea breaks the hug, putting both hands on his shoulders, though not in the clamping grip that Jimmy always used.
“Listen here, son. I’m not your friend like that creepy sonuvagun pretended to be. I’m not going to tell you everything about me and pretend that you’re my diary. I’m not going to bring up things like sex or romance and pretend that you’re my wife or another man my age. Things like that are fucking inappropriate. But I still care about you. Like it or not, you’re young, and a ray of goddamn sunshine on top of that. It’s not your fault that Jimmy took advantage of you, and that goes for pushing you to laugh at his jokes and rewarding you by giving you attention. I don’t blame you, and you shouldn’t either.”
“Yeah,” Daisuke forces out, and he nods along. Swansea snorts at him.
“Don’t turn into a bobblehead now. We still need to figure out how we’re gonna handle that criminal.” He doesn’t stop nodding, the little motion helping him cope, and Swansea shakes his head and helps him up to his feet. He sways, a little, but he feels better on his own two feet, especially with Jimmy still on the ground. “Well?” Swansea practically barks at Curly, who jumps and looks up with hollow looking eyes.
“Right. Shit.” Curly starts pacing. “I have rope in the cockpit. But there’s always the chance of him untying it or making it looser. There’s only a few rooms with a lock, and we need access to all of them, unless we decide to move everything out from the medbay, but there’s still that vent… We could. We could put him in a cryo pod. But that feels so permanent-”
“‘S less permanent than death. ‘Sides, he needs to take some fucking responsibility when we’re back on Earth.” Curly’s eyes go wide and alarmed, and they don’t relax when they settle on Swansea, who has his arms crossed and a fierce scowl, or when they settle on Jimmy, who is bleeding on the floor. The man’s breathing, but it seems like Curly is picturing what it would be like if he wasn’t. He blows out a breath, running a hand through his curls and making them go wild.
“Right. That might be the best option, then. But we’re down a co-pilot, and though the autopilot shouldn’t act up, there are protocols and-”
“Weren’t you the one that insisted Daisuke learn that stuff? Did you forget?” Curly’s expression is mournful and guilty, but his reply is brief.
“Right.”
Daisuke feels like something big is supposed to happen now, something shocking to balance out what just happened, something to keep the adrenaline running. But there’s nothing, really. Jimmy doesn’t even wake up before Swansea places him in one of the pods. Anya quietly frets to herself, and Curly ends up dragging his cot to the cockpit to be close just in case Daisuke ends up needing help. Swansea asks him if he’s okay doing this, but he confesses that he genuinely doesn’t want to sleep right now.
When his shift ends, he’s nervous to go back to the sleeping quarters. But Swansea’s door is open, and he’s snoring like a lawnmower. Daisuke ends up creeping in and settling down a couple feet away. The loud noise is unfamiliar, but constant, and it lulls him to sleep.
He doesn’t dream of Jimmy, and there’s nothing that could make that better.