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you tried to hate him, you really did, but it wasn't as easy as you had made it seem. it's not easy to hate someone whose seen all of you, sees right through you, even. you've given him everything, showed him the most ugly, vulnerable, decrepit parts of yourself and in all honesty he didn't even care, didn't even bother to pretend like he did. but you're so gullible. you get so swept up in his warm smile, his honey-gold eyes, and the pretty words that fall from his lips; the things he knows you want to hear, that you don't even realize the blank look in his eyes as he watches you swallow his words, his smile, his being with such ease.
maybe it's too easy. maybe you're too much and not enough all at once, and mammon can't handle that. maybe he doesn't want to. i mean, it's obvious he doesn't want to, you don't need to think twice about that. but its the fact that maybe he could. it's the fact that when you look at him you don't see the boredom in his eyes, the lack of emotion, his carelessness, the way he breaks your heart every time and leaves it on the floor for you to collect the pieces - heartbroken, disheveled, unwanted, unloved - just for you to tape them back together and hand it over to him in case things will be different this time around (nothing ever changes).
instead you see the things that could've been, you see the beginning, you see dreams filled with your wants and needs and mammon is always there; loving, supportive, everything you see in him. everything she sees in him. everything she gets from him.
she doesn't even have to ask. mammon would retrieve all the stars from the sky for her. he would walk to the ends of the earth just to see a glimpse of her smile, just to be in her vicinity. yet, when it comes to you, mammon couldn't care less. it's laughable even, how much you think he cares. how you keep coming back after you've been beaten down to the deep, scary parts of yourself you never thought you'd have to see again.
you can feel the tears well up in your eyes and you laugh because what is there to cry for? why are you crying? because a man doesn't want you, because he doesn't love you the way you thought he did?
mammon doesn't care about you. he doesn't love you, he never loved you, never wanted you and in hindsight it's not such a big pill to swallow. he filled your head up with pretty words and fantasies, promises he'd never intended to keep and you kept on falling for it. every. single. time. you have no one else to blame but yourself. you and that silly, stupid heart of yours, giving pieces of yourself to men who don't deserve it, who never did, losing yourself in the process. oh how you lost yourself.
you let their actions shape your own world view, how you look at yourself in the mirror with disdain and now nothing you do makes you happy, nothing you do has meaning, and all you ever feel like you have the time for is laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, and wondering where you went wrong. since when did you become so pathetic?