Chapter Text
You feel like you’re on fire.
Yet at the same time, you’re freezing cold.
Aches run and wrack through your body like your own personal earthquake. Your head is full of cotton and everything feels fuzzy. Floaty. You can’t think. You can’t remember.
The last time you felt bad was….
…oh.
Oh. That explains it.
You must still be on your death march. A one-man army storming the cursed House in a single minded attempt to kill the King. Murder him. End his life. Rip his hair out. Pull his heart from his chest still beating. Make him beg for mercy.
Mercy you will not grant him.
That means all those months you spent with your family were just what? A delusion? A fantasy created in your head to cope with the reality that you’ll never escape?
You never escaped the loops. You never made it to Bambouche. You never saw Bonnie reunite with their sister. You never met Nille. You never saw your home on the horizon. You never made a new home with your family. You never went anywhere. You’re still here.
In Dormont. In the House. In the loops.
Alone.
Back to the stage.
You’re on the ground, you realize. Not on the grass, so this isn’t the beginning of the loop. Maybe you passed out in the House? How pathetic. You try to stand up. Arms shaking as you try to push yourself to your knees. It hurts. It hurts so much. But finally you manage to sit up.
Stand. You need to stand.
Something touches your back.
On instinct, you reach for your knife.
It isn’t there.
You still have to fight. Even if you’d just come back after dying, you refuse to die at the hands of some random blinding sadness. Not to mention you absolutely won’t be able to maintain your composure around those shadows of your friends. Family. You don’t know anymore.
You turn around and pounce, grabbing what you assume is the creature’s neck and start squeezing.
Sadnesses don’t need to breathe, but if you snap their necks it counts as a kill.
Muffled screaming can be heard. Probably the echoing wails of sadnesses throughout the house. Maybe even the King on the third floor sobbing like a pathetic child. Maybe it’s you who is screaming. Who’s really to say?
Something grabs you from behind. Arms loop around yours, pulling you away from your target. Sadnesses teaming up is rare. Unless this is part of a pair? Like the Angoisse and Deuil. Stupid. You should know all the sadnesses in this stars-forsaken House! You thrash like a caged beast. A feral cat trying to claw its way to freedom by any means necessary.
All of a sudden, you hear your name.
“Siffrin!”
“Frin-!!”
“Siffrin…!”
“Sif!”
Someone is holding you back. A person, not a sadness.
Your vision starts to focus. In front of you is Isabeau. He looks terrified.
Of course he would be. You destroyed whatever relationship you had with him. You tore it apart when your patience with his cowardice ran thin. He hates you. He hates you. He hates you.
His hands come closer, gently cupping your cheeks. You don’t understand. But his hands are so cold and nice. You lean into the touch. He never touches you. You cherish this moment of contact.
“Sif? You back with us…?” He asks hesitantly. Terror shifts to concern. He should hate you.
“I…sa…” You mutter weakly, barely able to keep your eyes open. You have to apologize. “Sorry…for…for sa-saying…you’re a coward…”
His eyes widened slightly, surprised. With a shake of his head, he moves closer. Whoever was holding you before stepped away. But before you can fall back to the ground, Isabeau wraps his arms around you.
“Don’t worry about that. It’s okay now.”
His arm loops under your knees, lifting you off the ground with his other hand supporting your back. You want to struggle, but don’t have the energy to do so. A pained whine escapes your lips, and as much as you want to run off to kill the King, this feels so nice. You’re already so awful and selfish, so why can’t you enjoy this moment of fakeness and love? You tricked him into loving you. You’ll kill the King next loop. For now, you lean into Isabeau.
Your ears are ringing, so you try and focus on the warmth your comedy partner provides.
Thinking is so hard.
You try to keep your eyes open, and fail miserably. They soon fall shut, and your exhaustion takes hold.
.
....
..................
You’re asleep.
Wait, no you’re not. You’re awake now.
Blinking, you try and figure out where you are.
You’re in a bed, but the ceiling is different from the old clocktower. You haven’t slept in the clocktower for months.
You've been out of the loops for months.
You force your hand to move, lifting it up to feel your forehead. It’s burning up.
“Oof. That’s bad.” You say to yourself, wincing at how scratchy your voice sounds.
Somehow you’ve fallen sick. That’s pretty unfortunate. It’s a little surprising not to see someone at your side, though. Your family have been very vigilant since leaving Dormont. It’s both deeply embarrassing and extremely heartwarming. They see you, and they want to see you.
You breathe in and out. In and out.
Sitting up is an arduous process. Shaking limbs do their best to lift your body, and only barely succeed in not dropping you right back down. Going back to sleep is an option, but you want to be awake. You don’t like feeling like this. You want to find someone. Not be alone.
Finally, you’re sitting up in bed. Despite the heat radiating off your skin, a shiver runs down your body. Fevers are stupid.
With a blanket wrapped around your shoulders, you swing your legs over the edge of the bed. You wobble a bit once you’re standing, but you manage not to fall over.
Shuffling out of the room, you try to find someone. You know this house. It’s Bonnie’s house. They lived here with Nille before joining your group. You’ve seen them reunite. You’ve been living with them for at least one month at this point. How could you forget?
Making your way to the kitchen, you stand in the doorway for a moment. At the table is Odile, Mirabelle, and Bonnie. They’re all talking, when Bonnie notices you.
“FRIN!!”
They stand in their chair, before jumping down and running over. You brace for a tackle.
“Boniface…!” Odile warns lightly. Bonnie skids to a stop right in front of you, looking back at the woman with a nod. They then turn to you, and just…hug you tight.
“Bonbon…” You muttered tiredly.
“Oh, Siffrin, how are you feeling?” Mirabelle asked as she approached, raising a hand to your forehead and making a face. “You’re still so warm…”
“I feel like crab.” You mutter, blinking slowly as you try not to fall back asleep standing up.
“You look like crab!” Bonnie looked up at you, their face still buried in your shirt. They’re so silly. So blunt and kind in their own standoffish way. You raise a hand, ruffling their hair.
“Makes sense…”
“Come on, let’s get you some food.” Mira says, looking at Bonnie.
“Right!” They run off to the other side of the kitchen. There’s a pot on the stove, and Bonnie works on heating it back up. Smells like soup.
Still feeling wobbly, Mirabelle gently guides you to the table, pulling a chair out and helping you sit down.
“Thanks, Mira.” You manage a smile. She nods, going to grab some crackers before coming back to sit in her spot. She placed the crackers in front of you. You reach a shaky hand out, taking a cracker and nibbling on it. Oh man, food is so good.
“Are you sure you should be up?” Odile asks. “You were in pretty rough shape.”
You nod, finishing up the cracker before answering further.
“I want to be up.” You say, trying not to strain your voice too much. “I don’t remember getting to bed, though…” Your brow furrows together, trying to think how you ended up there.
“What…do you remember?” Mira’s voice sounded hesitant, and you couldn’t understand why. Did something happen?
“Isa and I were coming home from the docks. I wasn’t feeling good, but since we were almost home, I thought it would be alright.” You see everyone’s nervous stares, and it’s making you nervous as well. “Did…something else happen…?”
There’s a moment of silence.
Well, silence except for Bonnie finishing their soup. They scuttle over with a bowl and spoon, placing it in front of you. You smile, ruffling their hair again before starting to eat. It’s nice and warm as it runs down your throat. Much different than the horrible burning you’re feeling everywhere else.
“Well, you collapsed, for starters.” Odile casually remarks, seemingly waiting a few seconds for you to start eating. That was nice.
You keep eating, expecting someone to continue the thought. No one does, though. Frowning, you look over to Mirabelle. She seems to accept the fact it’s her turn to talk grimly.
“And then you, uh…hm.” Bringing a finger to her chin, you can see her move to bite her nail before stopping herself. That’s nice, but she still hasn’t explained anything.
“You flipped out and pounced on Za.” Bonnie finished the thought, in a much less tactful way than Mirabelle likely would have put it.
Heading that, you stop mid-spoonful of soup on the way to your mouth.
“Oh.” You say, blinking. You sigh, lowering the spoon and staring down at the soup. “I was…I was kind of hoping that was a dream…”
Your face scrunches up. You feel hot shame claw at your stomach.
“He’s okay!” Mira was quick to clarify. “Petronille managed to hold you back.”
You nod, trying to make yourself believe everything was okay. You don’t believe it, but you keep telling yourself it was true.
“Where’s Isa…?” You asked, suddenly aware of his absence.
“Za and Nillie went to pick up medicine!” Bonnie answered.
Oh. That’s good. You manage a smile, looking down into your soup and breathing in the aroma. You start eating again.
Odile shifted in her seat, leaning forward slightly. “Are you up for difficult questions?”
“Madame, I’m not sure if…”
“It’s fine.” You smiled, interrupting Mirabelle. Though you appreciate her thinking of you. “I feel better, I promise.”
Mira nodded hesitantly, before the both of you looked at the older woman.
“What happened?” Odile asked, her tone soft, but blunt at the same time.
“I…got sick?” You answer honestly. She gives you a look. “You have to be specific!” You whine.
Mirabelle and Bonnie giggled, and Odile simply sighed. It was a fond sigh, however.
“When you…lost your eye…” Odile began, hesitating somewhat. She quickly glanced to Bonnie, making sure they weren’t upset. They were fine, though, so she continued. “You were in and out of consciousness while recovering, but you never…lashed out, like that. So…what happened?”
The air was tense. All eyes were on you, and you felt your skin squirm under the attention. But they’re looking at you because they care. They’re worried. You don’t want to worry them anymore, but you can’t stop their worry. They worry because they love you. You worry about them all the time. It’s okay. This is okay. You have to remember that.
“I…I don’t know. I just…sort of felt bad. I couldn’t think. And…the only other time I felt like this was…” You freeze, a shiver running through your body. Your fingers grip the blanket around your shoulders.
“When you went through the house by yourself…” Mirabelle finished your thought, and you were grateful. You nodded, confirming her guess.
“I thought I was back…” You whispered, trying to keep yourself from shaking. “I thought…everything had just been… I don’t know, a delusion? Or hallucination or something.” It wouldn’t be the first time you saw one of those.
“This is real.” Odile said, her tone somehow soft yet sharp simultaneously. Her hand rested on your back, the pressure grounding you. She’s always had such long, slender fingers. You make a soft noise, leaning into the touch.
“This is real.” You repeated, looking down at your soup with a tired smile. You aren’t back. You’re here. You’re home. Your new home.
“Yeah! This is real and you met Nille and now you’re here!” Bonnie cheered, throwing their arms above their head. You couldn’t stifle a laugh.
“Thank you…” You mutter. “I’m…” ‘Sorry’, you want to say. No, you shouldn’t apologize for their concern. They love you. “Thank you…” You decided to repeat your gratitude instead.
Sound came from the front of the house, and two heavy sets of footfall echoed.
“Hey, we’re back!”
“Nille!” Bonnie jumped up, rushing out of the room. You could hear a faint ‘oof’ as they presumably crashed into their sister. They’ve been very clingy since returning to Bambouche.
“Hey, Bon~” You heard her reply.
From the kitchen entrance, Isabeau appeared. He had a bag and moved to place it on the counter. “We got the medicine. How’s Sif doing? Still asleep?” It seemed like he hadn't noticed you. He looks tired…
“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him?” Odile leaned back, gesturing a hand towards you. You just blinked, unsure of what to really do, so you just ate your soup.
Isa looked over, eyes widening when he sees you. He freezes for a moment, as if his brain is trying to catch up with the fact you’re awake. And also not attacking him this time.
“Sif!” He gasped. “Oh man, buddy how are you feeling? Are you okay? Do you see me? Do you need anything? We just got medicine for you-”
“Isa.” You say, stopping his rambling in its tracks. You put the spoon down, pushing away from the table and standing up. You held the blanket around your shoulders and shuffled over to the fighter. He stared, raising his arms up before just…holding them there. Unsure of what to do.
You lean against him, resting your head on his chest. He flinched slightly, before relaxing. Cute.
“Thank you.”
You love when he holds you. Touches you. You love touching him. You love touching your whole family. Slowly, his arms wrap around you, and your smile grows, though hidden by the other’s shirt.
“Come on, buddy.” He muttered. “Finish your food, then you can take the medicine.”
“Fiiiine…” You whined playfully. You went back to the table, Isa following behind.
You’ll get better. Slowly but surely.