Work Text:
Huening Kai had done all that was needed before his planned passing of this Earth. Kai was young and youthful, barely an adult, but was so utterly depressed and traumatized on the inside that it finally got to the core parts of his brain.
He’s in his room right now. Less than an hour before new year’s. Thinking, and reflecting on his life, looking outside his open window. Crisp, fresh, and cold night air.
Kai related with nighttime. Yes, he was a ray of sunshine, but he took comfort in the dark. It made him feel understood - in a poetic way. Most of the Earth was asleep at night, yet Kai preferred to sleep the day away and look out at the light-polluted skies. Ravens would call and cry from power lines, scarce branches of dead trees in the dead of winter. He wished he could fly like birds. Fly away from all this pain.
His wings were clipped. He needed to spread them once more.
The friends he’s made along the way, but all the trauma he endured… the amount of times he cried for help silently. Between bloody bandages and razors Soobin helped him clean up. Or when he just felt really down, and his four friends were there to comfort him through his psychical tears. Psychological pain and torment.
Birds were free to do whatever and go wherever they wanted with their wings. Kai wished he was a bird, a raven. Ravens or any corvid in general was his favorite bird.
Kai decided many months ago that living was not worth it. All the happy blips in his memory would be covered up with the depression and weight he carried. Life was pain and suffering, cold and tiring. Death was freedom from it.
He could have asked for help, so many times, but he didn’t want anyone to worry. They didn’t need to. They shouldn’t have cared about him, wasting their time with him. It’s ironic, killing himself would only cause more pain to everyone else.
It’s selfish, but he doesn’t care, sort of. It’s more like a weighted balance, actually. Kai loves his friends so much, his family? No. He cares about his friends, and how they feel, but that wasn’t enough. The other side that wasn’t a balance was the desperate need of relief overweighting the predecessor greatly - he needed to be gone from this Earth,
And frankly, as long as he dies and never remembers anything in this life, he will only feel a sliver of regret, how can you if you’re dead?
Kai cleaned his room. If he’s going to bed dead, why not at least make his room in reasonable condition? Also, many hours before he had give possessions and things near and dear to him to his friends. They needed something to remind them of him, even if it brought pain and sorrow. Taehyun was a special case.
Huening Kai gave his favorite stuffed penguin plushie to Soobin, his nerdy and academic friend who just happened to be working on getting a major in psychology. This plushie had been with him since he was five years old, very near and dear to his heart. He used to bring it at school when he was younger a lot, it was his lifeline besides his friends when everything went to shit when he became twelve years old. Soobin gave him a questioning look, but accepted it nonetheless.
“Thank you?” Soobin was bashful. “This means a lot to me, if you’re sure you want to give it to me.”
“I am!” Kai hugged Soobin, who hugged back. Soobin hugs were the best.
He’s just nineteen now, it’s new years eve. The planned date of his death, while other families were having fun watching fireworks, Huening Kai was going to shoot a bullet through his skull. Go out with a bang!’
They say someone who’s about to kill themself gives away prized possessions. Kai did that. First with Soobin, and then there was Yeonjun. Kai gave the eldest of their group a titanium ring his great-grandmother passed down to him. Yeonjun was shocked, but the younger one had run away with a silly smile on his face.
“Why would you-? You can’t just, hey, Kai!” Yeonjun was worried - shocked, mabe thankful? Kai didn’t know. He didn’t really know what to do with Yeonjun, so he stole it from one of his parent’s old jewelry drawers he swore to never touch.
“See you later~” Maybe Kai was too joyus. He was. He was fucking estatic but horribly sad on the inside he would have to leave them. Kai was running off in the distance.
His sisters? They were out partying with friends. Huening Kai looked out the window, the sky pitch dark outside. His wrist-watch reads 11:42 P.M. Less than twenty minutes away from new year’s, 2025, and he would never have to suffer a year again.
Hopefully no one realized he was planning to kill himself. I mean, Yeonjun seemed suspicious. Kai was way too happy lately, and giving such raritys away?
“Thank you. This means so much to me.” Beomgyu holds the beautiful and large portrait of him to his chest. Kai was a painter, art was one of his favorite things before he planned to kill himself. So he spent five days working on a hyper-detailed painting in watercolor of the younger. Beomgyu loved Kai’s work, though he was never gifted one since all of Huening Kai’s paintings were precious to himself.
“A new years gift, you said? I ought to get you one.”
“Of course! Cheers to an almost-new year!” Kai beamed. “You don’t have to get one for me, I promise I don’t want nothing in return, though.”
Maybe besides to grow my clipped wings back.
Kai thought of himself as having clipped and tattered wings because if all the pain and hurt he endured. They were ‘clipped’ so far that he wouldn’t be able to regrow them, in other words, he would never recover.
Huening Kai hears a murder of crows yelp outside. Loud and clear. A deep sense of hurt but satisfaction in his chest. Blooming like a wilted flower blossom in winter.
Kai grabbed the gun out of its holster. Running his hands along the smooth and shiny blade under his fingertips. He was crying. He hated this. But he couldn’t wait to die. Maybe he didn’t have a good enough reason to die, maybe it was petty and stupid. Does it matter anymore when he’s dead? No. Kai was abused so much throughout his childhood. He could barely live as an adult because of it. This bullet he would eat would let him fly high in the sky.
His four friends knew he was struggling. They helped him so much. Soobin knew the most, helped him through sleepless nights and listened to the countless times he would spill his worries and fear out. Yeonjun knew how to make him laugh when he was down. Beomgyu was similar, but used music as therapy for themselves. Beomgyu showed Huening Kai so many new bands and songs when he fell down, Kai had loved each and every band and song since then. Taehyun was the comfort in quiet and peace, enjoying each other’s presence through hugs and kisses.
“R-really?” Taehyun had tears shimmering in his eyes. Wet and glassy windows to his desire and vibrant, flush soul. “You’ll be my boyfriend? I’ve waited so long!”
“I love you so, so much.” Kai said. This was the hardest to do with a straight face. He didn’t like Taehyun like that, so he was leading him on and playing with his feelings because he knew Taehyun liked him a lot. It was easy to tell. Once again, none of this mattered when he was going to be dead later that night. They kissed and made out on the couch until they could hardly breathe. “I love you, too. Hyuka.”
Kai had one last thing, send a thank-you recording message to all of them. He was supposed to arrive at Soobin’s place at 12. When the fireworks would start in their area.
Kai > Soobin
Getting ready
It was ominous but could pass off as innocent. He meant to say, getting ready to kill myself, but that wouldn’t do. Soobin would be here in no time. Kai continues watching outside at the pitch-black sky. A bit like his heart.
Kai didn’t actually know what was going to happen after death. Nothingness would be nice. But what if there was a god up there? Huening Kai was taught to be Christian as a child. He had a respect for a god, but never praised and worshipped one at all - nor the one in Christianity.
His wings were clipped and chapped. But when he’s dead he could only hope he could fly in the sky and finally be happy again, maybe all the way in heaven. His wings would spread and he’d see all his loved ones like pets, sisters, friends… Never his parents. Kai would never forget what they did to him.
He has a quick change of plans. I’m going to jump out the window, that way I can fly in the sky and have a peaceful death.
It was delusional. Who cares when you’re about to be dead?
Kai takes a deep breath, 11:54 P.M. Six minutes.
“Dear Soobin, and to all my friends. I’m sorry, I won’t be able to come and part at your place tonight and watch fireworks. It’s a new year in… what, four minutes? But I’ll be in a better place by then. You know how much I love birds? Well, I’m going to become one in the sky. Originally I was going to eat a bullet in my skull, but I’m looking out the window right now. I’m on a high building, my apartment’s pretty high. And I’ll be able to fly in the sky, free.
I’m so sorry. I want to thank all of you - especially
you,
Soobin, for every happy memory I’ve had with you guys. But I think, some day, if there is a heaven or god in the sky, I’ll hope you guys can join me in an afterlife. If not, well, life moves on. I haven’t been able to, but that’s because I was never meant to be human. I was supposed to be able to fly in the sky like the mundane birds we see in our everyday life.
For the treasures I gave you, they might bring pain. But never get rid of them, tell Taehyun especially I’m so, so fucking sorry. Maybe one day we can all live happily ever after in Heaven, or whatever. I love you guys so much. I hope you’ll forgive me one day. I’ll fly up in the sky, even if I have to give up my damn, fucking, life.”
Kai > Soobin
[ audio recording]
Sorry I couldn’t be there </3 Tell Beomie, and Taehyunnie, and Yeonjun-hyung I love them so much.
Soobin > Kai
I fucking knew something was up
I’m not letting you, we aren’t letting you.
That was the three-minute recorded message. His voice was shaky, laced with stutters, and he sobbed so hard it was almost incoherent.
He didn’t look at his phone when it only pinged twice.
Kai waits. 11:57 P.M…. 11:58 P.M… 11:59 P.M. Enough minutes have passed.
It’s time.
He misses the thundering footsteps down his hallway. Rushing up the stairs, and the door being broken open.
Huening Kai already has a foot out the window, spreading his arms wide - preparing to jump off and fly. Or splat to the ground, and die like I’ve always needed. The fireworks had started, beautiful colors exploded in the sky, Yeonjun’s eyes flashed and reflected them - it was utterly blinding.
“HUENING KAI!” Soobin screamed. In lightning speed he gripped Kai’s waist with so much force. He couldn’t jump off, he couldn’t fall off and die. Someone was behind him, it was Yeonjun. Having a full-blown panic attack behind Soobin.
“I caught him. He’s safe, he’s not safe in his mind, but he’s safe, come, let's lower him on the bed, Jun.” Kai too was panicking. But rigid and frozen in place. It was amazing how Soobin was so calm, but Kai could feel the tremble beneath them. He was freaking out, more subtly.
“Tired.” Kai mumbled. He was exhausted.
“You’re gonna be okay, we’re gonna get you help after this, baby.”