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Every other day or so, reki’s mind will wander back to the fights with Langa about the beef with Adam. It's been almost a year from the whole event, but it can't seem to leave his mind despite everything that's changed. After langa came out of the fight a winner, stuff seemed to click in Reki’s mind. He had finally found words for everything he felt with langa, that desperate need to be near him and see him succeed, the anxiety he felt anytime he went into a beef with a risk of getting hurt when Reki couldn't protect him.
It was love, he was in love with his best friend, and that scared him to all ends. But he wasn't going to let that fear control him, not again. So this time he went to Langa, and actually told him how he felt. The whole time, Reki swore his heart was going to jump out of his chest, but yet again langa shoot down all his worry in a single word likes always done with no issue. It was like Langa knew the exact words to use in order to gain access to his heart.
Just days after Reki told Langa they kissed for the first time, and a few months after that, their parents allowed them their first sleepover. Leading them to where they are now, Reki sat at the end of his bed pulling off his shirt to slip into his favorite sleep top, not even paying mind the fact that his backs been scared to all hell from his beef with Adam. Langa however, did pay mind to the lines of scars that lined the redheads back. There were three rows of rough zigzag scars surrounded by what looked like permanent bruising, it looks like he was dragged across the ground.
Before he knew what he was doing Langa had reached across the length of the bed, his fingers barely grazing the scarred back of the skater in front of him. It had felt even worse than he could have imagined— the skin raised under his fingers before dipping down once again in a way Langa thought would have never existed on Reki’s skin.
The feelings of fingers on his back caused Reki to nearly jump out of his own skin, quickly turning back towards Langa with a quizzical look on his face only to be met with Langas own furrowed brows. A look Reki’s become accustomed to accepting as the snowboarders look of concern. But he couldn't imagine what he had to be concerned about, he was just changing there wasn't anything worrying about that?
“Your back… it’s scarred.” Lifting his head to look into his boyfriends eyes, Langa finally finds the words to question the lines across his back, “and badly.”
Oh, yeah that made sense, Reki never told Langa about his back after the beef with Adam. He couldn't have Langa worried about him when he had to focus on his own beef the next day, and after the beef, everything just moved so fast it was never brought up.
“Oh, that, when I had the beef with Adam, the rocks tore up my back pretty badly.” His face lights back up with a smile, one Langa could compare to the sun if he wasn't so concerned, “It's not that big of a deal though! I didn't need stitches, and it healed within a month or so! It wasn't even that painful after a few days!”
Even with Reki’s attempts to wash away Langas worry, his boyfriends face was still drowning in worry, as if his words did nothing to comfort him. If anything, the boy's eyes had been filled with even more worry, “why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you.” While speaking, Langas eyes had naturally flickered towards Reki’s back, he just couldn't take his eyes off the boy's scarred skin.
Langa knew to a certain level that Reki would have scars from skating, Langa has a good amount of small ones himself, but he never expected anything to this level. He couldn't even find the ability to tear his eyes away from the pale skin, he was taking in every blemish, the way his skin would dip before raising again, the way it curved around his spine. It was all so beautiful and perfect to him, and he needed him to know it.
Before Reki could respond to Langas words, he had leaned forward, pulling Reki back into his chest, holding him tightly. It wasn't the first time he’s held him like this, but this time it felt different, like he had to protect him. He didn't know what, but there was something that set off every single nerve in his body and demanded that he never allowed anyone else to touch the boy in his arms. It was all he could think about, and that was all he could have thought about for hours if reki hadn't lifted his head to look Langa in the eyes. His eyes were filled with a softness that was a sharp contrast from his normally fiery excitement.
There was pure silence for what felt like hours but was probably just seconds before Reki could find the words to respond to Langas worried words, “I didn't want you to worry about me, I’d already worried you enough with my behavior before, and you had an important race. I didn't need to distract you and be the reason you got hurt.”
The words had dug deep into Langa, he knew Reki struggled with feeling like he held the others back at times, but he didn't know it was to the point he wouldn't tell them if he was hurt. How many times had he been badly hurt, and he just never told anyone? Had he ever reopened wounds while with him and just kept quiet? All the times Langa could have helped him, just to not know he was struggling.
It tore him apart to know he didn't help when Reki was struggling before, and now it's happening again. Yet again he was stuck, not knowing what to say, how to help. He promised himself he wouldn't let Reki struggle alone again, he won’t let his light fade again. “You should have told me Reki, what if you got hurt even worse because of it? Or you needed serious help and I didn't know.” Moving his face out of the crook in his boyfriends neck, Langa looks up into Reki’s eyes. “I know you don't want me to worry, but not knowing what's happening worries me. I want to be here to help, please don't hide stuff from me.”
Twisting his body to hide his face into Langas shoulder, Reki nods against his boyfriends neck, “Ok, I’ll do better with keeping you aware of what's happening.” He doesn't move from his spot in the boy's neck when with the way it pulls on his spine in an uncomfortable way, pulling the scars tightly, he’d be happy to stay that way forever, despite the pain.
If they could sit like that forever, they probably would, but Langa isn't finished showing Reki how important it is he talks to him about this stuff. Reki said he would be better about it, but Langa knows his boyfriend and how stubborn he can be. Scoching back a little, Langa gets him to look him in the face again, “you’re my boyfriend, my partner, I love you and I worry about you no matter what. I always have, and I always will. You need to understand that.”
Letting out a small grumble, Reki looks away, keeping his eyes focused in on his hands, refusing to meet Langas eyes. He knows Langas correct, and he needs to be more open with him, but that's scary it always has been. He’ll probably always feel that way, no matter how much he tries to change it.
Leaning down to meet Reki’s eyes, Langa smiles gently at him, “how's this sound, you fully open up about when you struggled a few months ago and I’ll listen fully. It’s a start, right?”
Reki holds Langa’s gaze for a second before taking a deep breath and nodding. Pushing himself up, Reki adjusts himself sitting with his back up against Langa’s again, unable to look him in the eyes as he starts to talk. “Everyone around us talks about how amazing you are, and how talented the others are. And I mean they are! You’re all so amazing, but I'm just kind of there, the red head that no one knows the name of.”
The words were just slipping out of him at this point, and he couldn't tell if he was crying or not. It was like his soul was opening, and he couldn't stop it, no matter how hard he tried. “ I’ve been riding for so long, and I can't seem to match any of you. I didn't know what to do with these feelings, I was scared that you guys would realize this and leave me behind.” A single tear fell off his face, landing on his sheets, leaving a dark spot between his crossed legs.
“So I thought the best thing to do was pull away on my own, give up skateboarding as a whole because if I couldn't measure up to you guys what was the point. It was stupid, so, so stupid, but it felt like the smartest thing at the moment.” Tears continued to fall down from his chin, landing on the sheet, causing the dark spot to get even bigger. “And then you found me, and pulled me out of that stupid thinking. I felt safe with you again, but of course Adam had to go and ruin that, like he does with everything.”
At the mention of Adam, Langa reached forward, gently running his fingers against Reki’s back again. He wanted to let Reki finish talking but comfort him at the same time, and this was the best way he knew how. He didn't know if it would actually work. “I had some level of hope for the race, because I knew you’d be there cheering me on again.” Reaching up to wipe his eyes, Reki’s caves in as he takes a deep breath, worried about fully opening up about the next part. “And then I was actually up against Adam, I fully thought I was going to die right there. That he would just get rid of me then and there, but I accepted it. Because if our race ended so badly, then you wouldn't have to go against him.”
Those words had to of been the scariest thing Langa had ever heard, that Reki was ready to give himself up just so that he wouldn't have to race Adam? Reki had told him how much he didn't want Langa to race that man, and he had just ignored him, gone against his wishes for selfish reasons. Was this why Reki never wanted to tell Langa about how he felt during the race? All he ever told him was that it was so fun, and got his blood pumping. Langa knew Adam was dangerous, but even just watching Reki’s race with him was terrifying, he can't imagine how scared Reki was.
What's he supposed to do with this knowledge? Reki wouldn't let him apologize now, he’d give some bull crap on how it's in the past, and they can't change it now. But his boyfriends sitting in front of him, his face soaked and red from tears, he has to figure out something to do. The only thing that even starts to come to his mind is leaning forward and kissing the scars he's been staring at this whole time.
So he does, leaning forward, he gently puts his mouth to one of the many lines on his boyfriends back. Being as gentle as possible, he starts to kiss each and every bump. It definitely does its job, shocking reki out of his tears he turns around looking at Langa his eyes filled with confusion. Pulling away from his back, Langa looks at Reki his eyes gentle and understanding, “I’m so sorry Reki, I should have been there for you more during all this. We both made mistakes during that time, and I’m so sorry”
Sucking in a deep breath, Reki starts to cry again before quickly moving forward and kissing his boyfriend, there was no hesitation from his partner, immediately returning the kiss. It wasn't their first kiss, but every kiss feels like their first kiss, no matter how short it is, it always feels like a walk in heaven.
This kiss is no different, if anything it felt more refreshing than any kiss before. But it couldn't last nearly as long as Reki would have liked, they still had to breathe, no matter how much they would want to stay in the kiss forever. As soon as they pulled away Reki flopped forward into Langas chest causing them both to fall back into the mattress. They didn't say a word anymore, nothing was left to say. Langa just played with Reki’s hair, wishing he could stay at this moment forever.