Chapter Text
JANUARY
Dean’s eyes flickered over the paper that lay clutched in his hands like a lifeline. “What are you looking at,” Cas asked from across the table.
“Nothing,” Dean sighed.
“Well, it doesn’t appear to be nothing, it’s some kind of paper. Besides, nothing isn’t really a thing, everything is something.”
“Cas-” Dean breathed, but he didn’t stop the angel as he moved around the table to look over Dean's shoulder.
“Drawings, probably originating from a rather young artist judging by the quality of the subjects.” Cas observed.
“Yeah, Sammy drew it for me when he was five. It was my birthday present.” Dean explained, his eyes hadn’t left the page.
Sam had been so excited to give it to him in all of its coloured pencil glory. Dean would never tell him but he’d kept every drawing Sam had ever given him before John had snapped all of his pencils and told him he was wasting his time.
It was the anniversary of Sam giving him this drawing, Dean's birthday, but it was unlikely that Sam would even get out of bed today. Certainly not with the level of enthusiasm that five year old Sam had all those years ago. Dean didn’t blame him for not having any of the enthusiasm he used to toward Dean’s birthday because well, Sam didn’t have the energy for anything anymore, but especially today.
January 24th. It wasn’t only the day Dean was born anymore, because Dean shared his birthday with Jessica Moore. The girl that represented everything Sam wanted for his future. Everything normal that had been taken away from him, and naturally, Jessica Moore was dead.
Dean remembered Sam’s squishy five year old face staring up at him, excitement in his eyes as he handed over the stick figure drawings of himself and Dean together with little party hats and balloons. Dean gently folded the paper away and tucked it inside his jacket. He didn’t care for moping about his birthday, he just wanted to make Sam happy again, to bring back the energetic kid that laughed when Dean did something stupid and had the energy to do more then just sleep.
“Dean?” Cas asked inquisitively.
“Yeah, Cas, what?” Dean asked with another sigh.
“Why is it that humans celebrate birthdays?” Dean glanced up at that. He’d never really thought to why. They just all did it.
“I don’t know, I guess it’s just an excuse to give people shit they might want and, I don’t know it’s the one day a year you get to do whatever the hell you want, it’s fun.”
“Are you having fun, Dean?” Cas asked. “Should I have gotten you a gift?” Dean laughed and shook his head.
“No Cas it’s fine, my birthday’s not that important right now.”
“Sam should’ve gotten you something, he is more well versed in human tradition.”
“Cas that’s different,” Dean said, his tone darkening slightly.
“I don’t understand,”
“Look it’s just, Sam’s going through a rough patch right now, this day, it just reminds him of Jessica.”
Cas tilted his head slightly and walked outside without saying a word. Guess the conversations done then. You’d think he’d learn some manners after being here so long. Dean thought with a snort.
Dean stood up and walked down the hallway to Sam’s room. They’d been staying at Bobby’s for a few weeks to watch the place while he was out helping a friend on a hunt. “Sam?” Dean called gruffly, giving the door an aggressive knock. No response. He pushed the door open forcefully.
Sam was curled into a tight ball, sleeping. Dean breathed a sigh of relief and walked over to him.
A thought poked at him. Something was off, Sam was a very light sleeper, he should’ve woken up when Dean opened the door. “Sam!” Dean snapped. Shaking his shoulder. He didn’t move.
That’s when dean spotted it. The empty orange bottle sat on the bedside table. The lid discarded on the floor. “Sammy-” Dean whispered in disbelief. Fear coursing through him. He grabbed the bottle. Prescription sleeping pills.
“CAS!” He screamed. He grabbed Sam and pulled him up shaking him as hard as he could. The angel appeared behind him.
“What seems to be the problem?” Cas asked, his eyes then fell on Sam. Cas gently nudged dean to the side and put his hand on Sam’s shoulder. A white light glowed from his hand. Dean could feel the grace enveloping him too from where their shoulders still touched. A warmth coated him and the blood curdling fear and adrenaline that had previously been running through him dissipated and he felt more calm than he ever had in the entirety of his life. “Sam will be fine, however I suggest you watch him for any further behavior like this,” Cas said, gesturing at Sam.
Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Sam will be fine. Normally Dean would’ve been freaked out of his mind, but Cas’s grace took away any doubts. He trusted Cas. Sam would be fine.
“Dean?”
“Hmm?”
“I said I suspect he will wake in a few hours, would you like to move him to where you can watch him,” Cas explained, stepping away from Dean.
“Oh yeah,” Dean said, the warmth of the grace subsiding.
He did his best to scoop up Sam and carry him to Bobby’s living room. The kid was a giant now but Dean had always made it a precedent to be able to lift his little brother. Probably a side effect of John’s constant You gotta watch out for Sammy. However his accuracy wasn’t the greatest anymore and he was pretty sure Sam would wake up with a few bruises on his ankles from being unceremoniously bumped into tables and door frames.
Dean lay him down on Bobby’s couch, pulling a dusty old blanket over him. Sam’s long hair had fallen over his eyes and his mouth was slightly open, his breathing evident now. It reminded Dean of all the times Sam had been sick when they were kids and John was away. It wasn’t really so different. Sam still had something that made his life harder and Dean was still going to help him get better.
Dean was frozen on the opposite couch watching his brother intently. Now that the grace was gone and everything had calmed down the gravity of everything hit him. Had Sam tried to kill himself? Had it been an accident? Why had this happened? And most importantly why hadn’t Dean noticed?
“I must leave, I will return soon.” Castiel said. Dean looked up at him. More fear.
“Wait.” Dean begged, but Cas was already gone.
Dean tried to hide his shaking. His little brother had tried to kill himself. Dean looked around to assure himself that no one was around. Sam asleep, Cas gone, Bobby gone. He let the tears fall unbothered with wiping them away. He had one job. He’d only ever had one job. Why couldn’t he keep Sammy safe. He pulled the drawing from his jacket and stared at it. A tear splattered onto the paper so he brushed it away angrily, smudging coloured pencil Sam’s hair. He sobbed. A pathetic sound that he would never have allowed himself to make if it wasn’t for the circumstances.
“God Sammy, please you can’t leave me man not after everything.” Dean said. His voice fell to a whisper. “I can’t do this without you.”
“Dean!” Cas announced, materialising in front of him.
“God dude, you can’t scare a guy like that,” Dean said, a little too enthusiastically. He cursed at himself for being so obvious.
“Your face is splotchy,” Cas said.
“What?” Dean said with a laugh.
“Your skin is uneven, you appear to be crying,” Cas stated. He leaned towards dean and brushed his cheek to wipe the remaining tears away.
Dean froze at Cas’s touch. Normally he would’ve yelled at him about personal space but he didn’t have it in him. “Dude, you can’t just do that,” Dean whispered. Cas pointedly ignored him and sat down beside him. They were so close their hips and shoulders were touching.
“I take it the tears are in relation to Sam’s.. Condition.” Cas said.
Anger shot up inside him. It wasn’t a condition! It was- well he didn’t really know. But when he looked over at Cas the anger dissipated. There was no malice in his expression, just confusion. “Yeah,” Dean admitted.
“Dean?” Cas asked.
“Yeah?”
“Why would someone do this to themselves, most humans will never reach heaven and hell certainly isn’t desirable.” Cas questioned. Dean sighed.
“Cas its not, well, it’s not about where you go it’s more about just getting away from here, sometimes you just don’t feel like you deserve the happy outcome,”.
He seemed to ponder this for a moment going quiet. “Dean,” he asked, turning to look at him. They were so close now but Dean didn’t really care. He felt as though if Cas moved it would be like taking the keystone out of him. All his ability to hold up everything else in his life, himself, Sam, Hunting, it would all come crashing down around him.
“Yeah,”
“Is this like when you said you didn’t think you deserved to be saved, when I pulled you from hell.” Cas asked. Dean’s immediate thoughts were to respond with anger, to deflect but something in Cas’s innocent expression stopped him.
“Yeah I think so, Cas,”.
Dean looked over at Sam. He angrily wiped at his eyes. He shouldn’t be crying right now. That wouldn’t fix anything. “Dean it’s still going to be a few hours left, I could use my grace, just to calm you for a bit,” Cas suggested awkwardly. Dean looked across at him considering, and nodded slightly. Cas wrapped his arm around Dean's shoulders. A move Dean was sure wasn’t necessary but as soon as the slight glow hit his peripheral vision he stopped caring. His body felt weak but the warm buzz was making up for it. “So why did you leave?” Dean asked, not bothering with the effort to move out from Cas’s arm. Silently Cas pulled a small box from his trench coat. He took a small colourful candle from it and lit it on the candelabra to his right. Dean watched in confusion as he pulled a cupcake from the box. It had plain blue icing with rainbow sprinkles on top. Cas put the now flaming colourful candle in the top of the cupcake and handed it to him. “Happy Birthday Dean.”