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Time is a strange thing. Osomatsu thinks he might want someone to hold his hand. He thinks maybe he’s gonna throw up. He’s horny all the time, but he doesn’t actually remember the last time he masturbated. His brothers are always stealing his stash; he obviously has the best taste.
Sometimes he wakes up crying and he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t want to. There are a lot of things kicking around his head, bouncing off the walls of his mind.
The world blurs, focuses into a sharp and nasty clarity.
Osomatsu doesn’t think of his feelings past the surface level. He focuses on here, now. In the end it’s something simple that does him in. They’re at Chibita’s oden stand when Choromatsu looks up from the paper he’s reading.
"Hey! It seems that Tougou guy that stayed with us when we were little died!" Choromatsu sounds vaguely surprised for some reason.
"The robber?" Totty asks, bored, and the thing is. They’ve talked about Tougou before. A million times. Laughed with mom and dad over how afraid they were, wasn’t it funny? With time anything could be funny.
It’s strange. He hears everyone talking, can pinpoint who: There’s Ichimatsu, then Chibita, then Choromatsu, then Chibita again...but he has no clue what they’re saying. His body feels cold, like he might throw up. His chest hurts. He feels someone touch him and he flinches.
He draws back and almost falls off the stool. It’s Choromatsu, of course, his hand hanging in the air and his face drawn up in...something. Osomatsu can’t think. He can’t breathe suddenly; or maybe he hasn’t been able to breathe for a while. His chest hurts, his throat hurts, but thank god: he’s not crying though he really, really wants to. He’s still staring at Choromatsu, who is saying things. He tries to focus. The look on Choromatsu’s face is definitely panic. It’s not an unusual look for him.
He screws his eyes shut and tries to even his breathing, grips the sides of the stool as hard as he can. It’s been a long time since this happened. Not since- and he slams the thought down. He breathes…and eventually it’s normal. He doesn’t wanna open his eyes. Osomatsu doesn’t often do things he doesn’t want to.
He opens his eyes. He can tell they’re kinda wet but he hasn’t actually cried so this counts as a win. Choromatsu is holding his hand. He hadn’t noticed. He wants to pull away. He doesn’t want to pull away. He wants this situation to stop. He feels his breath hitch and swallows, thick. Choromatsu looks so, so afraid but he’s not crying, his mouth set firmly. He can see his other brothers, sort of, in his peripheral vision. He can hear Karamatsu choking, trying not to cry. Ha. what a ridiculous guy. He swallows again.
"Hey," He says, and his voice sounds...wrong, somehow, but he can’t place what the wrongness is. "Hey. I’m fine. It’s ok."
Choromatsu absolutely does not believe him. The grip on his hand momentarily tightens before relaxing again.
"You really scared us just now, Osomatsu-nii-san." It’s Jyushimatsu that says that, low and serious. Osomatsu doesn’t want to look at him. He’s always leaned on Choromatsu, probably too much, but it makes looking at him right now easier. He doesn’t know if he can bear to look at his other brothers.
"Nii-san." Karamatsu says, soft. It’s not his usual voice. It’s not his cool guy voice. He only uses this voice when he’s genuinely upset. Osomatsu turns, automatically.
Karamatsu’s face is splotchy and red, and he sniffs. It’s gross. His face is all wet and getting wetter because he’s still crying, a little. When their eyes meet Karamatsu lunges at him, almost knocking Choromatsu down. Osomatsu can hear Choromatsu complaining but his face is jammed into Karamatsu’s chest. He lifts his other hand, rubs Karamatsu’s back as he cries.
"Shh." Osomatsu says, "It’s ok. I’m ok."
Osomatsu still doesn’t really know what happened, but it’s fine. He complains that he can’t breathe and Karamatsu lets go, still drippy and gross. He really doesn’t feel good, though if asked he couldn’t say, exactly, what’s bothering him. He doesn’t want to, but he looks at his other brothers. They all look shaken. The screen on Totty’s phone is black. Jyushimatsu’s mouth is closed. Ichimatsu looks the same, really, but Osomatsu can see the worry on him, the way his body folds in on itself.
"Hey." Osomatsu jumps at the sound, curses, hates himself. He’d forgotten where they were. They’re at Chibita’s oden stand. So Chibita is there. Duh. He wants to scream.
"Osomatsu." And Chibita is speaking softly, too. It pisses him off. It pisses him off so much he feels like crying. He doesn’t need to be treated delicately. He can’t get the words out. He hears a sound catch in his throat.
"I think you guys should head home." Chibita says, still soft, looking at Osomatsu kindly. Chibita’s always been like that. He can handle himself well, he’s a good fighter and a good con artist too…but in the end this is what Chibita always does: he chooses to run his shitty little oden stand and be kind.
"Fuck you! I’m not." Osomatsu starts off strong, bangs his fist on the counter. "You think you’re better than me? I’m the oldest of us, you know, I."
Osomatsu stops talking because he thinks maybe he’s not making sense. He can’t tell. He wants to go home. Chibita doesn’t even look mad, the fucker. His arms are crossed, his eyebrows turned up. How did he turn out like that? He was like them once. Like Osomatsu once. Right? When they were kids? He wants to go home. Osomatsu tends to do what he wants.
"I wanna go home." he says, miserable. He hasn’t felt this small in a long time. Jyushimatsu grabs his arm and sort of pulls him to his feet. Seems he missed them all standing up. Jyushimatsu lets go of his arm to grab his hand and they all huddle around him. Keep him in the middle as they walk home.
Osomatsu has always had normal dreams. Mostly about fucking pretty girls. Sometimes about fucking pretty boys. He has dreams he’s rich, and loved, and never ever has to work or try.
He has dreams about mundane things. About doing things with his brothers that he does in real life. Sometimes he mixes them up for things that have happened. Did he win big at pachinko with Totty recently? No, that was months ago. Did he fish Jyushimatsu out of the river in full baseball uniform? No, that was Ichimatsu. Did he hug Karamatsu; tell him how important he is to him? No, that was a dream. A pretty funny one too, he’d never do that.
He doesn’t know what he could or couldn’t do, sometimes. What he would or wouldn’t do. Sometimes it feels like his life is just a series of barely connected events, each one with no real bearing on the one after it. His life has no weight. It just carries on.
He expects things to go back to normal the next day. Things are pretty normal when he gets up. They all go about their morning routine. Afternoon routine, really, it’s almost 2pm when they wake up. Or maybe things aren’t normal and he doesn’t notice. He’s honestly still a little shaken up for reasons he can’t identify.
Still, things proceed as normal until they’ve had breakfast and gotten dressed. Osomatsu plans to read manga until everyone returns home then maybe they can go back to Chibita’s. He refuses to be embarrassed about what happened. He’ll just have to be extra mean to Chibita to make up for it. The problem is, no one leaves. Osomatsu has already picked out which comic to start with when he notices his brothers are...standing around. He raises his eyebrows.
"I’m gonna hang around here today, but it’s gonna be hard to read if you’re all standing around like creeps." He lies down on the floor and opens his book, pointedly looking back up at them.
"Actually, nii-san," Choromatsu starts, nervously. "We were hoping to talk to you about. Uh. About what happened last night."
Choromatsu is looking at him, mouth all scrunched up. Jeez. Osomatsu can feel his surprise on his face. He looks at his other brothers. Karamatsu’s also looking at him. His eyebrows aren’t drawn down like they usually are to add to his "cool" look, they’re turned up, worried. Dammit. Ok. He looks at Jyushimatsu, who is also looking at him and is also worried. Osomatsu feels panic rising in him. He can’t explain why. Totty is looking at his phone but he’s worried too. He’s kinda just poking around on his phone, not typing or scrolling at 100 mph like usual. Ichimatsu is staring at the floor, blank. Ok. This is completely fine. He can salvage this.
"What’s to talk about? I was just super drunk." Osomatsu is sure he sounds normal.
“Nii-san? You barely had anything to drink." Choromatsu sounds kind of annoyed. Good. He seems to be the one leading this...whatever it is. If Osomatsu can piss him off enough he’ll leave Osomatsu alone and the other brothers will wander off, without a leader to hold them together. Something in his chest clenches painfully at that thought. He swallows.
He swallows again. He doesn’t look away from Choromatsu like he wants to. He smirks and opens his mouth to speak, but before he can Karamatsu interrupts.
"Don’t lie!" He sounds pissed. He’d been using his loud voice today but now it’s like it was last night. It shouldn’t be strange to think of Karamatsu as painful, but this. This hurts in a way Osomatsu isn’t expecting. "Please let us help you. I know it’s hard-"
Osomatsu doesn’t have to interrupt him, because Ichimatsu does it for him.
"What the hell do you know about it?" Ichimatsu is looking at Karamatsu, pissed. Oh, thank god. He’s gonna get pissed at Karamatsu and start a fight.
"More than you think, little brother." Karamatsu says, seriously. "I’ve had my share of worries."
Ichimatsu snorts, and opens his mouth to retort but Jyushimatsu speaks over him.
"This really isn’t the time, Ichimatsu-nii-san!" Ichimatsu looks over at Jyushimatsu, shocked. His mouth hangs open several seconds before he snaps it closed, eyes wide.
Jyushimatsu then turns to Osomatsu. Osomatsu sits up and thinks about maybe jumping out the window. They’re on the second floor right now but he’s done it before. He’d be fine. Jyushimatsu sits down in front of him and takes hold of his hand. Everyone is staring at them, tense. With Jyushimatsu you never really know what’s going to happen. Osomatsu hates to see Jyushimatsu so solemn.
"Nii-san." He says. "Do you want someone else to go first? I know we don’t talk about things like this, but it’ll only get worse."
Osomatsu gets stuck on his question. 'Someone else to go first'? What the hell did that mean? He looks at his brothers and none of them are looking at them except Karamatsu. Karamatsu looks away when Osomatsu looks at him, though, eyes darting to a corner of the ceiling.
"Jyushimatsu...I don’t understand what you mean." He hates to keep this conversation going, honestly, but the implication that his brothers are hurting, have been hurt...is worrying. He tries not to worry about them much because there’s no point. Everything sucks and they just have to deal with that.
Jyushimatsu doesn’t speak for several seconds, looking down at his hands. A smile twitches onto his face but he squashes it down. He takes a deep breath.
"You seemed very far away from us last night, nii-san. Like you were somewhere else. I know that feeling. Where everything is far away and it’s like you’re not really...real. Right?"
"Maybe? Kinda. I dunno." He’s really uncomfortable right now. He looks at the floor, away from Jyushimatsu’s serious face.
"I feel like. Hmmm. I feel like I’m a bubble, just floating along. I fall down but it doesn’t hurt. I eat my noodles right away when you’re not there to tell me they’re too hot and it doesn’t hurt at all until tomorrow. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt tomorrow either. You know?"
Osomatsu does know.
"Sometimes." Jyushimatsu continues, "Sometimes I don’t feel real but mostly I feel like I’m the only real thing there is. Everything feels like it’s not there even though I can touch it."
"I. uh." Osomatsu starts, faltering. He pulls his knees up to his chest. "Sometimes for days and days nothing’s real at all. Sometimes I’m just going through the motions. I’m behind my eyes watching Matsuno Osomatsu lose at pachinko and irritate Chibita and ruffle Totty’s hair."
Things are so bright and painful. He doesn’t like this. He feels himself swallow. He’s afraid.
"I’m scared." He blurts, and there’s no taking it back so he just keeps going. "I don’t wanna grow up. I don’t wanna work. I don’t want to exist in the real world."
Osomatsu’s looking to the side away from his brothers, out of the window. It’s pretty childish, but he’s never claimed to be mature. Who isn’t scared of those things? Who isn’t afraid to exist?
"Well." It’s Choromatsu and he sounds pissy. Great. "We’re all afraid of that? Who isn’t, honestly? The world is a scary place!"
Osomatsu sort of feels like he’s being condescended to. It gets him to uncurl his body, head snapping around to face Choromatsu.
"What’s with that? 'Oh the world is scary'?" Osomatsu says. "You want to know what’s wrong, that’s what’s wrong! That’s it! I’m a coward but you all knew that so!"
It hurts to look at Choromatsu. His mouth is a thin line. He doesn’t immediately snap back and that’s not good. It’s really not good.
"I’m a coward." Osomatsu hears himself say again. "I’m not a good person, I know that. I know I’ve never been good. I’ve never even bothered trying."
He didn’t really mean to keep going. Choromatsu touches his arm and Osomatsu doesn’t flinch but his body thrums with it. Like someone plucked a chord and he’s ringing. Jyushimatsu has moved, at some point, less in front of Osomatsu and more to one side so Choromatsu can crowd in.
"Ah." Jyushimatsu sounds thoughtful. "Well, none of us brothers are really good people, are we?"
Osomatsu hears himself laugh. It doesn’t sound right. Choromatsu continues to look concerned. Jyushimatsu’s face twitches up into a smile and then down again. He presses his lips together. He’s having a hard time maintaining his composure and Osomatsu would hate it if he could feel anything at all.
"Ah, my dear brothers..." Karamatsu starts, "Maybe we should… talk about something else?"
"No." Totty says, surprising the piss out Karamatsu with his vehemence. "No. Osomatsu-nii-san is our glue. If he’s...we need him to be ok. We have to make sure he’s ok."
Osomatsu would feel touched, but it has nothing to do with him really. They’re all just stuck together.
"We’re all just parts of a machine, right? If one part malfunctions then it's fucked, right?"
He doesn’t realize he said that out loud, at first, but for a second Totty looks like he’s been slapped.
"Uh, no, nii-san." Totty says.
"Well, yes." Ichimatsu says. Osomatsu actually jumps at the sound of his voice.
"No?" Totty says, voice rising. Totty is standing; Ichimatsu is sitting in the corner. Totty towers over him and Ichimatsu is obviously resisting the urge to jump up.
"Brothers-" Karamatsu starts, but Ichimatsu overrides him.
"We’re not separate, right? We’re the Matsunos. The sextuplets. You’re me and I’m you, right?" Ichimatsu doesn’t look upset, he’s just loud. Well. Loud for Ichimatsu.
"No!" Totty does sound upset, and he’s yelling too. "Jeez, and you guys wonder why I wanna get away from you, with an attitude like that! We’re separate people! Separate!"
"Well, obviously we’re separate people..." Choromatsu mumbles.
"We’re parts of a whole, with Osomatsu-nii-san as the head." Ichimatsu says. "He’s useless without us and we're useless without him."
"I strongly disagree!" Totty stomps his foot for emphasis and waves his arms around. It reminds Osomatsu of when they were small. Totty was always so easily scared. He followed Karamatsu around a lot back then, even though Karamatsu wasn’t any better than he was. He remembers Todomatsu climbing on Ichimatsu’s back and demanding piggy back rides constantly. He remembers Tougou’s knives.
It occurs to him that maybe he’s a little more fucked up about the whole Tougou thing than he realized. But that doesn’t make sense, right? A lot of weird shit happened when they were kids. Or at least, he thinks a lot of weird shit happened. So if he thinks it did, and he remembers it did, then it had to have happened. He wouldn’t remember things that hadn’t happened, obviously.
Obviously.
Osomatsu wonders where him being a spoiled, mean person ends and the fear begins. Is he so afraid that he’s become mean to hide it, or is he really just the worst sort of person. Well. He knows that already. His thoughts keep circling. He knows he’s a bad person. He always has been. He’s been a bully his whole life. He was so afraid when Tougou made him help with his robberies. Osomatsu has stolen a lot since then…but not like that. Maybe he should? Would that help?
"Guys." He interrupts the fighting. Karamatsu and Choromatsu are between Totty and Ichimatsu. Jyushimatsu has moved to sit beside him and is holding his hand. He hadn’t noticed. Everyone turns to look at him in surprise. Like they forgot he was there. As if they could! He’s their older brother, they won’t forget him. Maybe even if they should.
"I think I should commit armed robbery." He lets the statement fall on the room. Everyone stares at him in silence for several moments.
"Great idea!" Jyushimatsu says.
"What the hell? No!" Choromatsu shouts, face splotching red.
"If I can rob someone at knife point, I can get a job." Osomatsu says, solemn.
"Absolutely not? What?" Choromatsu isn’t following his thought process at all, but Ichimatsu is nodding like he’s making sense. Choromatsu turns to Ichimatsu and says, sharply, "Don’t encourage him!"
Jyushimatsu gives up the ghost and lets a smile bloom across his face.
"You want to conquer your fears!" He says, and he sounds proud to have figured it out.
"His fear of robbing people?" Choromatsu sounds doubtful.
"Shit, is this about Tougou? Seriously?" Ichimatsu asks and everyone turns to look at him, before turning to look at Osomatsu again expectantly.
"It seems that time in my life has affected me more than I realized!" Osomatsu says, laughing.
"Bullshit!" Choromatsu snaps, crossing his arms.
"Let’s kill him!" Jyushimatsu says, letting go of Osomatsu’s hand to wave his arms around.
"He’s already dead." Ichimatsu answers. A pause, and then. "Let’s desecrate his corpse."
"Brothers..." Karamatsu says, sadly. "He was cremated, of course."
"Seriously? Are you all serious right now?" Choromatsu is getting redder and redder. Seems this situation has gotten out of his control.
It’s dissolving into more petty bickering. Osomatsu loves petty bickering and yet he can’t really find it in himself to get involved. Maybe he will go out today. Just a walk, he needs some air. He slinks out of the room unnoticed.
Osomatsu’s always had a pretty active imagination. He’s always been able to do anything he set his mind to. As a kid it didn’t matter so much. No kid really has goals or ambitions beyond what they’re gonna do that day. Who they’re gonna push down on the playground. Chibita was usually the target. Totoko was so creative and fun back then. She came up with some good games.
When did Totoko become someone he couldn’t talk to? He doesn’t remember the last time he has an honest conversation with her. Mostly he compliments her and hopes it’ll stick. That she’ll realize he’s what she’s always wanted and needed…and then they’ll fuck. Is that bad? It might be. Totoko hasn’t really been Totoko in a long time. Just a pretty girl he knows. He knows she’s not a nice person, either. He loves that about her, but he isn’t in love with her. He thinks he would notice if he was, but maybe not? It doesn’t really matter.
He’s thought about hiring someone to sleep with him but some embarrassing part of him (that he will never, ever admit to) wants it to be special. He wants to know their real name and get to hold their hand, too. He wants someone to love him. He wants someone to be interested in him.
It’s not as hard as he thinks it’s gonna be, to get Totoko to talk to him. He goes to the fish stand and suddenly there she is, pissed off and worried.
"Something’s the matter with you." she says, and off they go to sit in the living room of her parent’s home. She gets him a soda, which is very nice and very out of character for her.
It feels surreal. He feels far away again. He sighs and looks at his hands, picks at the carpet. He’s never wanted to be a good person, but the way it's spinning around his mind, 'you’re a bad person, you’re a bad man' sounds like a rebuke. A reprimand. When has that sort of thing ever stopped him before? Who cares if he gets in trouble. He doesn’t understand who he’s in trouble with.
"Totoko." he says, and she’s sitting across the table from him looking bored. It’s forced nonchalance, and he can appreciate that. "I think...there might be something wrong with me. Like seriously wrong."
Totoko laughs, "No kidding." She smirks and she’s so lovely. He watches her swallow, watches her eyebrows turn up.
Oh. He forgot to laugh, or to say anything. He’s just staring at her. He’s really out of step.
"I, uh. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should rob someone?"
Totoko doesn’t really know the situation, but she looks considering.
"I don’t think you should rob someone without planning involved." She says, after several minutes of thought. "Don’t rob someone just because you’re confused, Osomatsu!"
If he cries in front of Totoko he will definitely die of embarrassment. She didn’t even say anything worth crying over but he can feel his face getting hot. His nose tingles.
"Holy shit, ok." Totoko says, getting up and awkwardly coming to sit by him. She stiffly pats him on the arm. He laughs, and that sets him off crying for real. Totoko holds him. It’s not really very comfortable, and it’s incredibly awkward…but it’s nice.
She’s muttering, saying things like 'Holy shit, will you stop? You’re a nasty crier,' and 'You’re a big baby,' and 'You’re getting snot on my clothes and later I’m gonna kick the shit outta you.' It’s actually very comforting. She even lets him keep leaning on her when he winds down, just breathing. He considers saying something about her boobs but decides against it. He’s tired of being Matsuno Osomatsu right now. He’d like to just exist a little while.
"Do you ever feel like you’re just a big put on?" He asks, later, when she’s back on the other side of the table and they’re eating chips.
"All the world's a stage." Totoko says, raising her eyebrows.
"You sound like Karamatsu!" He’s delighted by her look of outrage.
They mostly chit chat for a while. He didn’t realize he missed having her as a friend until he found her again. Maybe he should...stop trying to get in her skirt. For a while, anyway. It’s much less exhausting shit talking everyone with her...and way more fun.
"You’ll find yourself." She says as he leaves and he rolls his eyes but he smiles anyway. He will.
Osomatsu has never considered either of his parents strict disciplinarians. He supposes it would be too much work trying to rein them all in so they just did their best. He loves them, obviously, and they love him. Obviously. And obviously, he’s the favorite. Totty gets babied but Osomatsu is the favorite. He’s the favorite because he’s clever and can make people laugh. He can be charming if he tries. He can do most things if he really truly tries.
He can do anything at all and it’s not fear holding him back, it’s laziness. He’s not afraid of failing, he fails all the time. He’s not afraid he’s not smart enough for university. He’s not afraid he’s not competent enough for a job. He’s not afraid of anything at all.
Except big spiders, but he’s man enough to admit that. But he’s not afraid his parents don’t really love him. He’s not afraid he’s pushed them too far. He’s not afraid they mostly just pity him, at this point, and keep him around as a reminder of what they could have had. Should have had. He’s not afraid of that because he doesn’t care about anyone or anything that isn’t himself.
Everyone acts normal when Osomatsu gets home that evening. Everything is normal into the night. It’s normal when Osomatsu wakes up, sweating, from a dream. The same dream with the same man in the same suit with the same smile. It’s normal when he walks to the kitchen and gets a glass of water. Hell, it's normal that Karamatsu is awake outside staring out at the night in what Todomatsu calls his Brooding Pose.
Osomatsu walks outside and sits beside him, which isn’t normal but isn’t unprecedented either. Karamatsu greets him in English with a painful look. Osomatsu knows how to get that look to drop, so he says,
"Totoko reminded me of you today!"
The facade breaks and Karamatsu looks ecstatic. When Osomatsu had mentioned going to see her alone earlier all his brothers were outraged and jealous, but right now Karamatsu is only happy to have been thought of and curious.
"She said 'All the world's a stage.' I think some American said that, right?"
"No." Karamatsu says, a genuine smile on his face. "That was Shakespeare, he was-"
"Holy shit, I don’t care." Osomatsu interrupts and it’s been a perfectly normal evening up til now but he must’ve missed some of his own tells because he doesn’t mean to keep talking but he does. "Do you ever feel like you’re just...fake?"
Karamatsu doesn’t look surprised at all by the question, just blinks in a really obvious way. Not a normal blink, god forbid he didn’t try to broadcast his every feeling. If there’s one thing Osomatsu’s learned, though, it’s that the easiest way to lie is by telling the truth.
"Brother." Karamatsu sounds thoughtful, which is never a good sign as far as Osomatsu is concerned, but he’s also really curious as to what Karamatsu’s gonna say. On a normal night, it’d be some ridiculous platitude about being yourself said in the most flowery way possible. Karamatsu pauses long enough that Osomatsu wonders if he’s gonna continue.
"Sometimes. I feel like I’m hollow." Osomatsu...was not expecting that answer. Karamatsu isn’t looking at him as he continues. "I feel like I really am empty. And no matter how much I try or how loud I talk or what clothes I wear I’m just nothing. No one will ever, ever see me. And it feels like I’m lying, somehow, whenever I talk. Do I like the things I like? Do I even have a personality at all? Do I...uh. Yes, I feel fake sometimes. Sorry."
Osomatsu can’t help it. He laughs. Karamatsu looks so sheepish. It feels good to see him so unguarded. As for what he’s just said, well. Karamatsu’s never been one to say a lot at once, so he must’ve planned for someone asking him this sometime.
"Jeez, Karamatsu!" Osomatsu slaps him on the back and Karamatsu just sort of chuckles in what he must think is a cool way. "You’re Karamatsu! If you like something, you like it! Right?"
"I...don’t know, nii-san." Karamatsu is looking at Osomatsu now. Uh oh. "I don’t know myself at all, and it’s scary. And. I know you’re scared, too. I’m not very smart, but you’ve been pretty obvious!"
"'I’m not very smart'? You’re gonna lose your reputation as a narcissist if you talk like that!" Osomatsu snips, aiming to sidetrack Karamatsu with the mention of his reputation.
It works. Karamatsu asks Osomatsu what he means, exactly, and soon he’s listing all the painful things Karamatsu does while Karamatsu nods seriously. Like he’d actually change. Like he thinks Osomatsu actually wants him to change. Osomatsu is very, very afraid suddenly that Karamatsu will change. That he’ll take Osomatsu seriously and stop dressing like a disco ball and stop saying random shit in English and French? He thinks it's French. What if Karamatsu decides- what if he realizes that he’s not the weak link in their chain, not really, that it’s Osomatsu, it’s always been Osomatsu. What if he realizes it's Osomatsu holding them all back, that it’s him that’s so-
"Nii-san. Nii-san!" Oh, shit. He’s hyperventilating. That’s fun. Karamatsu is freaking out and crying already. Osomatsu forces himself to breathe. It’s very difficult with Karamatsu there, panicking as well. He wants to leave, just get up and run into the night, but he’s in his pajamas without any shoes so that’s not a good idea, tempting as it is. Karamatsu doesn’t run to go get anyone else, though, and Osomatsu is so grateful for that he could cry.
Well. Cry more, apparently, because once he’s calmed down he notices his cheeks are definitely wet. Goddammit. Karamatsu opens his mouth to speak, but Osomatsu interrupts him.
"I’d drag you all down to hell with me. I’m a selfish big brother like that."
Karamatsu laughs, relieved and apparently unbothered by the shift in topic.
"I know, nii-san. Even Totty would gladly come along, so don’t worry."
"You don’t have to fake nice, Karamatsu." Osomatsu says, because he’s afraid and wants to hurt Karamatsu a little. A lot.
"Everything about me is fake, brother." Karamatsu says and smiles like he just told a joke. Osomatsu doesn’t laugh, but he feels his mouth twitch up at the corners. Karamatsu is delighted by that and actually claps his hands with joy. What a painful guy.
There’s a lot Osomatsu wants to ask Karamatsu. Why does he think he’s empty? How long has he felt that way? But Osomatsu is tired. It’s been a long day. He tells Karamatsu he’s going back to bed. Karamatsu says he has some manly brooding to continue. Osomatsu leaves him to it.
None of them really live in the real world, do they? They’re all in a nice, safe little bubble. Their mom and dad pay for everything and rarely follow through on any discipline. Osomatsu would do anything to keep this life. Sometimes he wonders what would have happened if his parents had died. If his brothers were all dead. Who would he be without them defining him? He’s the eldest sextuplet. He’s a lazy son. Is everyone defined by what they are to other people?
He’s never thought about himself much. He does what he wants and doesn’t dwell on why he wants it. It seems maybe that it’s time to start paying attention to himself. What can Matsuno Osomatsu do? What can’t he do? What can he feel? What can’t he feel? Why can’t he be big, limitless, young, eternal? Why can’t he be every bad, evil thing? It’s easier to laugh and not to care, to hurt others relentlessly. It’s so easy to hurt other people.
It hurts to need others. It hurts to be needed. It hurts to not be needed. Osomatsu has lived his whole life saying he doesn’t care at all, and maybe he doesn’t...but there’s something wrong and he needs to figure it out before…well, he just needs to figure it out.
Osomatsu gets his allowance the next day and blows it all on pachinko. He scrounges around the house and finds Choromatsu’s wallet unattended. He blows all of Choromatsu’s money on the horse races. Iyami isn’t there today, which sucks because Iyami is easy to rile up and that’s always hilarious. It also sucks because he’s easy to pickpocket.
When Osomatsu gets home, Choromatsu is furious. Osomatsu play acts fear and Choromatsu, against all odds, becomes even angrier. Osomatsu laughs at him and Choromatsu reaches peak rage, his face all red and his teeth grinding. It’s the funniest thing Osomatsu has ever seen.
"Why don’t you care about other people?" Choromatsu snaps, and in turn something inside Osomatsu snaps as well. The tiny string slowly fraying for days just...snaps. Osomatsu feels himself go cold and then hot. Choromatsu is still talking, actually. Osomatsu hasn’t heard him.
"You’re a hypocrite, you know." Osomatsu says from far away. He feels so light and he doesn’t care about anything at all. It’s nothing like being lost. Choromatsu allows a moment to pass and then crosses his arms, raises his eyebrows. "You don’t want to work, you want to be taken care of too!"
They’ve had this conversation before. Choromatsu will now deny that because that’s generally how this goes. Sometimes he deflates and agrees and they bond over their shared laziness. However, it seems Osomatsu isn’t the only one who’s been thinking, lately.
"Osomatsu. I realized something when we were talking about self-awareness that time. Do you remember us talking about that?"
“I...remember it a bit differently, but yeah. Self-awareness. You’re a tentacle monster."
Choromatsu takes several seconds to rein in his temper.
"I thought maybe it wasn’t my self-awareness that’s the problem-"
"Oh, it was a problem."
"Shut the hell up, Osomatsu-nii-san! I started thinking, maybe, that if I truly wanted to be a productive member of society-"
"You don’t."
"Ok, you know what! I’m trying to help you! And honestly I don’t know why I bother because you obviously don’t care!"
At that Osomatsu laughs and laughs and laughs. When he stops laughing he’s sitting down and Choromatsu is sitting beside him, holding his hand. He still feels light as a feather, except there’s a brick in the middle of his chest. He thinks it might cave in. He thinks it might bloom open.
Choromatsu is humming. Osomatsu doesn’t keep up with Choromatsu’s idol shit but he’s pretty sure it’s a Nyaa-chan song. He wants to laugh but his throat is closed. He swallows. He loses all desire to do anything. He doesn’t think anything, just listens to himself mumble to Choromatsu, not choosing what he’s saying at all, like it’s someone else talking.
"I only play games I can win. I’m always the oldest, I’m always the best."
"Oh, hardly." Choromatsu says, snorting, but he’s very pale. Osomatsu notices this in a distant way, in the same way he notices Choromatsu’s hand is very sweaty. He doesn’t feel anything about it, it just is.
"I always wanted you all to need me as much as I need you. I can’t decide, I don’t know. I don’t know. If you do. If it’s better, or if it’s worse."
"Please calm down. You’re not making sense." Choromatsu’s voice is steady. Choromatsu swallows, thick, and squeezes Osomatsu’s hand. The fact that Choromatsu is afraid slides into Osomatsu’s head.
"...am I scaring you? I wouldn’t want to do that. On accident, anyway." His body makes the sound of laughter, moves like it is laughing. His body is on auto pilot.
"Yes! Of course you’re scaring me, you look...you don’t look right, and you’re saying strange things! Of course we need you. Is that what you want to hear? We need you and -"
"No! No. I want you to hate me. Please. Please, love me. Love me so I don’t have to love you. It was so much easier then."
Choromatsu was always Osomatsu’s second in command for a reason. He laughs. His whole demeanor changes, relaxes. He’s figured it out, he’s solved the riddle.
"Are you seriously this upset because you have feelings? Newsflash, everyone has them!"
"Fuck you, Choromatsu. It hurts, it hurts so much." Now he’s crying. Great. Sensation trickles back in. His hand in Choromatsu’s is sweaty and nasty. His throat hurts, his chest hurts. Choromatsu doesn’t let go of his hand, but he stays relaxed.
"Caring about other people is hard." Choromatsu says, sounding less gleeful and more sympathetic.
"What if you die? What if you die?" Osomatsu doesn’t know if Choromatsu can actually make out what he’s saying at all.
"Don’t...try to talk, jeez. Here, move." Choromatsu lets go of his hand, puts his arm around Osomatsu instead. "You’re the oldest, you’ll definitely die first."
Osomatsu makes...a sound. He can’t decide if it’s an amused sound or a horrified one.
"I-I wish you were all dead. I wish mom and dad and you and everyone was dead."
"Right, right." Choromatsu doesn’t sound fazed at all, just starts rubbing circles into Osomatsu’s back. "But it’s definitely too late. It was always too late, nii-san. You’ve loved us from the start."
"But I don’t want to die."
"I know."
"And I don’t want you to die."
"I know."
"Well, someone has to! I can’t take this anymore!"
"We’ve been through a lot of strange things, haven’t we?" Choromatsu says, throwing Osomatsu for a loop. He pulls back to stare at Choromatsu, sniffing. "It’s surreal to think about some of it, I think. But Tougou was very real, wasn’t he?"
Osomatsu doesn’t have anything to say to that. He desperately wants this conversation to be over.
"It’s hard but if you want to keep living you don’t really get a choice." Choromatsu takes a deep breath. "I don’t want to work! I want to be babied my whole life! That’s what I was trying to say, earlier. People like to feel useful, nii-san, but honestly? Most people work because they don’t have any other choice."
"I...don’t see how that’s relevant at all." Osomatsu says, wiping his nose on his sleeve. Choromatsu sighs.
"We can’t go on like this. You can’t go on like this. There’s no point to one of us getting a job if the others are just gonna sabotage it. We need to move forward."
"...I don’t know how."
When Osomatsu thinks of his mother, he thinks of her as kind. As giving. As loud. She’s not a soft person. She bends but doesn’t break. Once, his father said there was a lot of her in Osomatsu. Osomatsu’s guessing it’s the loud part that reminds his father of her.
When Osomatsu thinks of his father, he thinks of him as kind. As obnoxious. As constant, if not necessarily reliable. He’s not a hard person. He’s soft. Life throws him troubles and they just bounce right off. His mother said Osomatsu has his father’s sense of humor, his carefree attitude.
When Osomatsu thinks of Tougou...well. He tries not to, but when he does. He thinks of dichotomy. A kind smile/a hard smirk. A soft voice/a loud yell. A soft touch/a hard grip. Osomatsu has been afraid many, many times in his life, but Tougou threatening his family…Tougou taking him away from his family. Is the purest fear he’s ever felt.
Osomatsu has never really cared what his mother gets up to all day, and he can’t say he cares now. After everyone filters out for the day, Osomatsu tracks her down. She’s doing laundry. When she sees him she sighs.
"I’m not giving you any more money, Osomatsu. Stop gambling so much." She doesn’t sound upset, and turns back to the washing machine.
"Uh, no. Mom." Osomatsu has never felt so tongue-tied around his own mother. She wiped his ass as a baby. She’s seen him at his absolute worst.
Still, she doesn’t turn back around.
"Mom. I need help. Do you remember that guy, Tougou?" his mother doesn’t turn, but she isn’t fiddling them clothes any more. Osomatsu considers speaking, but he feels frozen. This was a mistake. She sighs.
"Of course I remember him. He just died, right?" She turns around and she looks...normal. Completely normal.
"That, uh, that was a pretty trying time. For everyone but also me, specifically." He’s really floundering here.
"Yeah? It was a long time ago. Aren’t you over this already?" Suddenly he recognizes the look on her face. He’s seen that look somewhere else. He’s seen it in the mirror. It’s the look of someone trying very hard not to lose control.
"No, mom. I thought I was, but I’m...not." He feels small. Inadequate. She continues to stare at him, and how did he never notice how tired she looks? He can’t keep looking at her.
"...oh, my neet. What can I do to help you?" He doesn’t look at her. He can’t. He doesn’t need to change his life. Choromatsu was wrong. This is good and comfortable and safe.
"I, I don’t know. Look, never mind, I-" He’s starting to back up, out of the room, but his mother has already reached him and pulled him into a hug. He’s hugging her back before he thinks about it. It’s been a long time. Like Choromatsu, she hums.
Wait.
"Is...this a Nyaa-chan song?"
"It is!" she laughs. "Choromatsu is so into her! How could I not at least listen once? Are you a fan, too?"
"Idols aren’t really my thing."
"Right, right."
Wow. This is sort of awkward. He goes to pull away but her grip is like iron.
"Nope. You don’t get to leave until you tell mommy what’s wrong."
"Mom! Are you serious?" He struggles a little...he doesn’t want to hurt his mother to escape her loving embrace, but he will if he has to.
"Deadly! You never talk about your true feelings, Osomatsu! You said I could help, and if I can help, let me!"
So, reluctantly, Osomatsu recounts some of the events of the last several days to her. It’s actually easier smushed up against her because then he doesn’t have to look at her face. She’s rocking them back and forth and messing with his hair. It’s comforting, despite the embarrassing subject matter. When he’s done, she releases him. He steps back and looks at her. Her eyes are shiny, wet.
"I love you." She tells him. "So, so much. Now help me do the laundry."
Osomatsu wouldn’t say he spends a lot of time in his own head. He doesn’t want to be in his own head, he doesn’t like it there. Drinking helps and so does gambling. He reads manga and sometimes even books. He’s not a big reader, though, he prefers things with pictures. Easier to focus on, his mind wanders without them.
He watches a lot of porn, has more porn magazines than his brothers combined, but he doesn’t really have any fantasies. It’s hard (ha) to focus. He does have some good ones though. The ones he shares with his brothers to embarrass them that end with Choromatsu screeching for him to shut up and doesn’t he have any shame? He laughs and says no but he does.
Sex isn’t embarrassing. Sex is sex and it’s natural and fine. He doesn’t talk about wanting to fuck men but that’s different. It’s not embarrassment, really, it's avoiding the hassle of explaining himself. No, what’s embarrassing are the fantasies where he’s married and it’s his spouse he’s fucking and they love him. They love him and tell him he’s good and special and they will never, ever leave him. These fantasies aren’t always vanilla, either, because that would be boring, married or not…but the best part is always after he’s orgasmed and he can imagine holding them. He only lets himself think sappy shit like that then.
A few days pass uneventfully and Osomatsu thinks maybe his crisis or whatever is over. He knows it’s not really. He knows it’s not because he can feel his brothers watching him. He half wants to snap at them to fuck off but...he doesn’t. They’re still acting like huge assholes and not pulling their punches, figurative or literal so it’s fine.
He’s been trying to think of what he wants to do with his life and coming up with nothing. He tries to think of what he wanted to do as a kid and also coming up empty. He’s beginning to think his only hope is to marry rich but well. He knows he’s not ugly but he’s not exactly handsome, either. He’s pretty average looks-wise and average won’t cut it. Maybe Totoko’s folks would have pity on him and let him work at their fish stand?
Ugh. That thought does not appeal at all, but he doesn’t really have a lot of options. He could go Totty’s route and work at a coffee shop. He might have to interact with cute girls, though...maybe if he wasn’t thinking about sex so much? Although thinking about sex is better than thinking about...other things. He can’t just not think. He’s not Karamatsu or Jyushimatsu.
He’s brooding over jobs when he suddenly feels a chill. Creepy. He looks around and Ichimatsu has entered the room. Of course. Ichimatsu has the freaky cat that wears glasses with him. Osomatsu thinks that’s kind of weird but whatever. He supposes cats can have astigmatism too. Ichimatsu is staring at Osomatsu with that dead-eyed look of his as he comes over to sit by him. Ichimatsu sighs like he’s incredibly annoyed. Oh boy.
"...are you ok, Osomatsu-nii-san?" He sounds like he’d rather be eating glass. Osomatsu laughs.
"Don’t hurt yourself, Ichimatsu! Your big brother is just fine now, so don’t worry!" Osomatsu puts on his best grin, but Ichimatsu just continues to look constipated.
"You’ve been. Zoning out. And Choromatsu said the other day you couldn’t breathe..."
"What the fuck? Choromatsu, you bastard..." He’s definitely embarrassed right now. It was bad enough Choromatsu was there, but he’s telling all their brothers too? He’s gonna kick Choromatsu’s ass.
"It’s just...I’ve. Had panic attacks, and he thought maybe it was one. I mean, he’s had them too. But yours seemed more like mine. He said." Ichimatsu stands up, then sits back down. He huffs out an irritated breath.
"You do?" Osomatsu feels like an asshole, but he’s pretty sure he would’ve noticed his brothers having panic attacks. Then again Karamatsu feels hollow inside and he didn’t know that. Osomatsu didn’t think he could be any more self-centered but he somehow is.
"Yeah." Ichimatsu says, completely unhelpful.
"I don’t...think that’s what it was. I don’t know." Osomatsu rubs the back of his head. "I just...was gone, for a while, and then I was freaking out? I don’t know, maybe it was."
Ichimatsu nods…and doesn’t say anything. Osomatsu wants to punch him. So he does, in the arm.
"Ow! What the hell?" Ichimatsu snaps, angry. He stands up again.
"You’re being completely unhelpful! If you have experience with this, then tell me what to do to make it better!" Osomatsu almost stands up but thinks better of it. He doesn’t want to fight Ichimatsu and if he stands up they’re definitely gonna fight.
Ichimatsu deflates, sighing. He doesn’t sit back down, just shrugs and stands there.
"I just wanted you to know. We understand. We don’t think you’re weak, or a bad big brother. Well, not because of this, anyway." Ichimatsu speaks low usually, but Osomatsu has to strain to hear him with how softly he speaks now. When he’s done talking he sits the cat down by Osomatsu and walks out of the room.
Osomatsu stares at the cat and the cat stares back at him before meowing, once. It then continues to stare at him. He slowly reaches out a hand to pet it. Immediately it starts to purr and hops into his lap. Jeez. What a friendly cat. He continues to pet it for several hours, not really thinking about anything but how soft its fur is.
Osomatsu’s always known Ichimatsu is depressed. It started late in middle school. It wasn’t like someone flipping a switch. It was more like the life just slowly dripped out of him. He was never very social, anyway, and was always with one of them at school. None of them really had friends, but they had others to talk to. Ichimatsu didn’t. Osomatsu has never considered himself depressed. He’s nothing like Ichimatsu, after all, looks notwithstanding.
When Osomatsu thinks back on school...well, he doesn’t remember a lot. He remembers playing pranks on other students and sometimes teachers. He remembers when Choromatsu stopped helping him do that. He remembers his mother’s face when she realized none of them were going to university. He remembers his father’s face when he realized they weren’t getting jobs. He’s never cared that he’s a disappointment.
Osomatsu is starting to doubt the things he thinks about himself. About his family and about his life. Life just goes on until you die, but lately it seems like the end is close. It’s not a good feeling. He wants to go to bed and just never get up again. He’s beginning to think maybe he is depressed, after all.
It’s midafternoon and Osomatsu is buzzed. He’s lying on the floor, listening to Karamatsu play guitar in the corner. He’s...not very good. Still, Osomatsu doesn’t stop him from playing. He’s been idly listening for a while when his father enters the room. Karamatsu stops playing the guitar and greets him in English.
"Hey, Karamatsu!" His dad yells. "Hey, can I borrow Osomatsu for a minute?"
"...sure?" Karamatsu says, and begins playing guitar again.
Osomatsu sits up and grabs the hand his father offers him to stand. His father suggests they go for a walk, and Osomatsu is feeling agreeable so off they go. They chit chat about this and that for a while as they walk around the city. Osomatsu doesn’t remember the last time he spoke to his father, before this.
"You know!" His father says, shoving his hands in his pockets. "You can tell me anything, right? If something’s bothering you?"
Ah. Mom must’ve said something to him.
"Uh, yeah." He says, awkwardly. "I’ve...been having some troubles, I guess."
His dad nods, seriously, pulling his hands out of his pockets to cross his arms.
"There’s...nothing really to say? I’m scared you’re all gonna die."
"Is that why you won’t work? Or at least go to school?"
"Wow, ok. Uh. It just feels like there’s no point. To anything. I know it would help you and mom out, if I did. It’s just. I’m lazy."
"Right, you’re lazy. I know." His dad says and it’s weird to see him so serious, so calm. "But Osomatsu, is there seriously nothing you want to do?"
"No. There’s nothing. And...I don’t want to work, but even if I did, I. There’s nothing that interests me."
His father nods, face thoughtful. For several moments the noise of the city is all that fills the air as they walk.
"Have you considered therapy?" His father asks and Osomatsu laughs in surprise. His father doesn’t laugh, looks at him out of the corner of his eye.
"No. What? Of course not. It’s not…I’m not crazy, I’m just lazy." Osomatsu notices his voice raises as he continues to talk, has a panicky edge. His father notices as well.
"You’re not crazy. And you are lazy. I know." His father says, patient. "But have you thought maybe that talking with someone-"
"No!" Osomatsu shouts, and he has more to say but it all jumbles in his throat. He turns and begins walking back the way they came. He walks fast, and his father has to jog to catch up to him. His father’s lips are pressed together, thin.
"I could get you a job, as a janitor where I work."
Osomatsu stops. His father walks several steps past him before noticing and turning back around. His father walks up to him. Osomatsu swallows.
"…I’ll think about it." He says, small. His father is obviously shocked. He grabs Osomatsu into a hug and lifts him off the ground, spins around a couple times.
"Dad! Jeez, I said I’d think about it, not that I accept!"
"That’s better than I was expecting!" Is he crying? His dad is crying a little. He sets Osomatsu back on the ground and Osomatsu awkwardly pats his back a little as people walk past them.
A job? A job? A job? A job? A job? A job?
Totty had worked, for a while. Osomatsu wants to say that if Totty could do it, so could he, but that isn’t quite true. Totty has always been more likeable than the rest of them. Still, one didn’t have to be likeable to be a janitor. It would mostly be a night job, his father says. He’d come in after everyone left and clean up. He wouldn’t have to fix anything. Which is good because Osomatsu isn’t actually very handy.
Still, though. A job? It makes Osomatsu shudder to think about. It seems depressing, to have to work. An endless slog, one day to the next. Living for off days. At least he’d be living for something. Every day now feels endless, his life is endless. Not the endlessness of a phoenix but the endlessness of a disease. Something you wish would just end, already, please.
When he tells his brothers he’s considering possibly working, the room blows up. There’s lots of shouting. He doesn’t even bother trying to listen. Totty, though, just looks at him. It’s a considering look. Choromatsu has always been who Osomatsu leans on, but Totty understands him in a way Choromatsu doesn’t. Still, Totty doesn’t say anything.
Later, after everyone has calmed down and Osomatsu has explained he’s only thinking about it, he probably won’t take the job, Totty corners him alone. His hands are on his hips and he looks ready to fight.
"Are you seriously still this messed up?" Totty asks, straight to the point. He taps his foot when Osomatsu doesn’t immediately answer. His mind is reeling, trying to word this for Totty. Totty decides to continue talking and save him the trouble. "I know you don’t want to work, so why? Huh?"
"Look, Todomatsu." Osomatsu takes a deep breath. "I think I might be depressed."
Totty stares at him for several seconds like this isn’t news at all.
"I...did you know I was depressed? Why didn’t you say anything?" Osomatsu’s voice raises as he talks, and Totty, the asshole, laughs at him.
"You’re more than just depressed, Osomatsu-nii-san." Totty shrugs, easy. "But what does that have to do with you working?"
"I need a change, I guess?" Osomatsu huffs, irritated. "I won’t leave you guys. You know that right? I could never-"
"Shut up, of course you won’t." Totty crosses his arms, snorts in the cutest way possible. "I’m not you, that isn’t something I worry about. Just answer my question already!"
“I don’t know!" Osomatsu snaps, stung. "I don’t know anything! I’m scared and I’m sad and I feel like everything is over. Everything is ending and I don’t know what to do!"
"...this started getting worse when that Tougou guy died." Totty says, at length. "Something is ending, nii-san. Something ended already."
Osomatsu stares at the floor. Totty is wearing white socks with lollipops on them. Totty clears his throat but Osomatsu doesn’t look up.
"You know, maybe I could be a beautician!" Totty says, loud. Osomatsu’s head snaps up. "If it’s time for us to move on from childhood, then let’s go! Between the six of us, we’ll all make it through."
"Totty?"
"That’s what’s ending, nii-san. What’s really already over. We don’t wanna grow up. I don’t want to grow up! But we're adults now. You’re an adult who Tougou couldn’t hurt anymore, even if he was alive! So let’s keep growing up. Let’s leave him far behind."
Osomatsu just stares at Totty, who’s smiling now. Totty reaches out and takes Osomatsu’s hand, squeezes it.
"...I don’t want to work." Osomatsu mumbles.
"I wanna be waited on my whole life." Totty agrees.
"What if I can’t do it, what if-"
"Shut up." Totty says, simply. "You can. And if you can’t we'll burn the place down and start looking for you a new place to work."
Osomatsu laughs. He feels lighter.
Time is a strange thing. Osomatsu thinks he might take that job. He thinks he might try therapy out, at least. He doesn’t want to do either of those things, really, but he thinks maybe they’re things he needs to do. He doesn’t want to admit that he wants to be loved as much as he wants to lose his virginity, but it’s still true.
Sometimes he wakes up crying. He doesn’t usually remember his dreams, but sometimes he’ll wake one of his brothers up. Usually Karamatsu because Karamatsu will sing him back to sleep. He’s an awful singer but it’s nice all the same.
The world is a sharp and nasty place. He thinks maybe he can live in it, anyway. He’s at least gonna try.