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So newsflash: When spiders go into your ear, the most efficient method does not involve screaming and jumping around.
Matt found that out the hard way.
His day was going great. He got an A on his history project, he and Mike finally aced that dance move that Brittany had taught them, and a cheerio asked him on a date.
So overall pretty great.
But then that fucking spider came and crawled into his ear during dance practice with Mike, Brittany, and Tina, and nearly ruined his whole day.
“Okay, so put your hands on the floor so they hold up your body, and your feet should spread out.” Brittany gave “They should be forty five degrees apart - like my uncle Jerome’s replacement foot.”
The others complied, used to Brittany’s tendency to just say random shit that simply made no sense in any humane context whatsoever.
“Now, you need to kick your left leg towards your face, while…hey, Matt? Why is there a ladybug near your ear?”
“What?” Matt pressed his hand to his ear to try and see what she was talking about.
“Your face has a ladybug. I can see it near your ear. But it’s not red. It’s fuzzy and it doesn’t have wings or six legs.”
Mike, who looked up to see what was going on, had his eyes widened from shock. “Uh…guys, that’s not a ladybug.”
“What?” Matt tried to get a look at his ear.
“That’s uh…that’s a spider.”
And before Matt had time to process this, the spider jumped in his ear.
His. Fucking. Ear.
And that’s how Matt found himself jumping and screaming his lungs out while trying to get out the pest in his ear.
His friends, however, were of no use. They just sat there and screamed at each other to call 911 before the spider released his venom into Matt’s ear and killed him, which did not calm his nerves in the slightest.
Mike was about to drive him to the hospital, when Santana came in holding a churro.
“What’s wrong? My eardrums are probably permanently damaged now.” she grumbled, glaring at them as if they were aliens.
“Matt got a spider in his ear.” Brittany, who had been calm the whole time, informed her, leading to Santana rolling her eyes.
“Wow, and this causes you to scream so loud you probably rose the dead?” Santana walked over to Matt and held his head down so she was looking into his ear. “Britt, hand me that water bottle.”
Brittany complied, and Santana poured a few drops into Matt’s ear. A few seconds later, the spider crawled out of his ear, and Santana trapped it in the now empty bottle before walking to the window and releasing it outside.
“Well.” She smirked at Matt, whose embarrassment was just setting in. “You’re welcome, Screecherford”
“Well, if I had a spider in my ear, I’d be a little scared too.” Tina defended Matt, while Santana continued cackling.
“How did you know what to do?” Matt asked.
“I got one stuck in my ear during my seventh birthday. My abuela dealt with it by hitting my head repeatedly with a wooden spoon and screaming in my ear until the spider left.” Santana shook her head. “Well, if I’d come any later, you’d be stuck in a miserable, hellish hospital room instead of a miserable, hellish classroom with Berry screeching about Sectionals in her whiny, nasally tone.”
“…And that reminds me. We have Glee in half an hour.”
If Santana came ten minutes later, Matt would’ve gone to the hospital, and then he’d miss the assignment about ballads. Meaning that one person would be left out.
But he didn’t. So everyone got paired up.
Puck got Artie, Quinn got Kurt, Mercedes got Brittany, Mike got Finn, and Matt got Tina.
And that means Rachel got Santana.
“Well, looks like it’s just you and me, Santana.” Rachel turned to smile at now clearly annoyed Santana. She glared at Matt, who was trying to stifle a laugh.
“What are you laughing at, Spider-Screech?”
“…Is that supposed to be an upgrade from Screecherford or not?”
“Oh, shut up.” Santana huffed before turning away from Matt and just started staring straight ahead, little attention to whatever Artie was currently lamenting about, with (to understate it, evident) annoyance.
“…No, that was an actual ques-”
“…Why don’t you let Santana and I demonstrate.” Rachel said in response to whatever Artie asked. Wait, what? “Brad, Endless Love in B-flat, please. It’s my favorite duet.”
“Berry!” Santana snapped, not exactly trying to hide her displeasure directed at her ballad partner. “I think we all have better things to do than hear your whiny self sing another mediocre song-”
“Santana, come on now.” Mr Schue interrupted her, gesturing for her to come and stand next to Rachel. “Be a good sport. For the team.”
“Yeah, Santana.” Quinn smirked, clearly trying to get one up on the new head Cheerio. “Be a good sport and sing with Rachel.”
Santana looked beyond pissed; a look that was directed to Matt when he began to snicker at Santana’s misfortune (he was only human, after all).
“I wish I’d let that stupid spider crawl into your ear.” She huffed as she sat up and begrudgingly walked over to the piano, much to the amusement of the other Glee club members.
My love, there's only you in my life…
Rachel sang with an earnest expression on her face, pouring her heart and soul into the song. The contrast to that was Santana, who sang with an expression that clearly screamed I don’t wanna be here! while she observed her nails.
And I, I want to share
All my love with you
No one else will do
Everyone watched, making no attempt to hide their amusement. They had all watched and, at one point at least, been a victim of Santana’s cruelty and bitchiness, so it’s not like it’s their fault seeing her forced into this was pretty damn entertaining. Matt smirked, now at least he had a comeback when she’d inevitably bring back up the spider thing and the abundance of torturous ‘screech’ based nicknames he’d be subjected to for the next few weeks.
Two hearts
Two hearts that beat as one
Our lives have just begun
Rachel’s eyes were fully focused on Santana, as were now Santana’s. Rachel put all her focus into performing the song to the best of her ability, but she slowly became distracted by what were apparently Santana’s…better than average vocal abilities. Wow, Santana may be a bitch devoted to keeping me at the bottom of the social pyramid for the rest of my high school career, but…oh my, she’s talented. Rachel mused as she circled the piano, opposite of Santana.
And love, oh love
I'll be a fool for you I'm sure
You know I don't mind
You know I don't mind
Hot damn, were Berry’s eyes always that deep… For a hot minute, Santana forgot what was happening as she became lost in Rachel’s eyes. …Those sweaters are honestly kinda hot, now that I think about it…
'Cause you
You mean the world to me
I know, I know
I've found, I've found in you
My endless love
Matt had no idea what was happening. What was supposed to be a moment of humiliation and awkwardness for Santana was now turning into an eye-fucking fest between the self proclaimed bitch and Rachel fucking Berry. Everyone else watched with intense fascination as well, presumably the same thoughts running through their heads.
Oh, and love oh, love
I'll be that fool for you I'm sure
You know I don't mind
Oh, you know I don't mind
Rachel and Santana belted out the last part, not breaking eye contact for a single second. The rest of the club continued to focus on them, while Mr Schue began to question his choice in letting so-called ‘fate’ choose partners. Should’ve just done another Journey song…
…And I'll give it all to you
My love, my love, my love
My endless love
…And song over. Done, finished, completed. Rachel and Santana finally stop gazing into each other's eyes (as the other Glee Club members would put it) and Santana practically ran back to her seat, seemingly unsettled.
“Right…Well, that was…that” Mr Schue seemed unable to describe what he had just witnessed, which is a sentiment everyone in the room was able to share, including Rachel and Santana themselves. He did, however, seem to remember that there was still a lesson to be completed, so he decided to wrap this up with a “Okay, let’s hear it for Santana and Rachel!”
“So that was…”
“Shut up, Rutherford.”
“I’m just thinking about if I had actually decided to go to the hospital.”
“You’re not alone.”
“Oh come on, are you gonna continue being so-”
“Bitter? Bitchy? I can go on, Rutherford. And you underestimate the depths of my cruelty, and repulsion for everything around me.”
“Didn’t look so repulsed up there with Berry.”
“…”
“That’s it? No snappy remark?”
“Well, let’s just say I’m not feeling up for talking about it right now.”
“Okay, okay, I get it. Really.”
“Good.”
“Hey, think of it this way. If you hadn’t gotten that spider out of my ear, there wouldn’t have been enough people to pair everybody up anyway. So let’s say you got to be with - I don’t know - Brittany - and that meant Berry would be all alone. How’d she get her spotlight moment then, hm?”
“Knowing her, she’d probably coerce Mr Schue into pairing up so she could get it.”
“Okay, now Rachel and Schuester? That’s a nightmare pairing.”