Work Text:
December 1, 1979
“So, any idea what this dinner is about?” Sirius asks Remus, attempting to knot his tie for the fourth time.
“None at all. Like I said, Lily’s note was very succinct: ‘Come to dinner. Bring Padfoot. Dress nicely. There will be cake.’” Remus shifts from foot to foot, sighing as he looks at the clock. “Sirius, come on. You’ve changed outfits three times already. We’re going to James and Lily’s, not the Royal Opera House.”
“As if I would worry about my clothes for the opera , honestly Moony,” Sirius scoffs, tearing off his tie and throwing it across the room. “Besides, easy for you to get ready so fast, all you have to do is choose which brown jumper is least heinous. But me, I have style. I have fashion. I have...an oeuvre.”
Remus stops his pacing mid-step, crestfallen. “Sirius. No. No. That’s not. That’s not the word -- that’s just not how you use that word. Please tell me this is the first time you’ve said ‘oeuvre’ outloud.”
“Of course not! It’s my new catchphrase, ‘I am full of oeuvre!’ Everyone loves it.”
Remus runs his hands through his hair, making him look rather more like a mad scientist than a chronically punctual bookworm. “Merlin help me. I can’t believe I allow myself to be seen with you.”
“Ha! It’s an honor for you to be seen with me. Now, which shirt is better? The blue? The stripey one?” Sirius scrutinizes himself in the streaked mirror, chapped lips pursed in concentration. “Which one says, dinner and cake at the Potter’s, occasion unspecified?”
“Bloody Hell, Sirius!”
Sirius jumps, dropping both shirts and nearly tripping over a stray Sneak-O-Scope.
“I’m sorry,” Remus attempts a laugh. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I’m just feeling a little edgy. Long day, you know, and I want to get to Lily and James, see what all this fuss is about.”
Sirius steps up to Remus, clothes forgotten on the floor behind him. Taking Remus’ hands in his own, Sirius’ thumb makes slow circles around the other man’s knuckles. “Moony,” he sighs. “I know. I know. This week’s been...total shit. I just thought. I dunno. I just thought, if I could somehow make tonight perfect, whatever tonight is , then maybe this week won’t have been so awful after all.” He draws Remus close, nuzzling his nose into Remus’ slightly clammy neck. “It’s stupid, I know, I’ll just grab a shirt and we can go.”
Sirius bends down to reach the nearest discarded garment, but Remus clasps his wrist, stopping him. “Wear the blue,” Remus whispers. “It makes your collarbone look very...”
“Yes?”
“Enticing,” Remus finishes, looking away, a red flush slowly creeping up his neck.
***
“Finally!” Lily says, opening the door. “I almost Floo’d you to see if something had happened, but James promised me you were just having a wardrobe crisis.”
Giving them both hasty kisses on the cheek, she pulls them inside, muttering incantations to the closed door behind them.
“Anyway, Remus dear, that jumper really does look lovely on you, so I guess I can forgive you for holding up supper.” She takes their coats, throwing them onto the sofa and leading the way into the kitchen.
“I--how could you think--it wasn’t me !” Remus splutters, looking to Sirius for backup, who merely shakes his head, shoulders quivering in silent laughter.
“Well it can’t have been Sirius,” Lily says as she pulls plates from the cupboard. “He looks an absolute fright.”
Sirius’ laugher stops abruptly. “Hey! I’ll have you know I spent hours putting together the perfect combination of hair and clothes and accessories --” he shakes the braided leather bracelet on his wrist, a birthday gift from Lily, “in honor of your mystery night, Evans.”
“Ha!” Lily shouts triumphantly, slamming her fist on the counter. “I told you. I told you I could get him to fess up. So predictable, poor sod. Guess you’re on clean-up duty tonight, oh dearest one.”
James shakes his head at Sirius, carrying a steaming dish out to the table. “I really thought, after all our tactical security training and covert ops, you’d have gotten better at reading people, Pads. What a disappointment. You walk right into her trap and now I pay the price.”
“Oi!” Sirius screeches. “It’s not as though I was expecting to be tricked in my own home!”
“ Your home?” Lily asks pointedly.
“You know what I --”
“Lily? Are these ones ok? I couldn’t find five matching ones, but they all have flowers on them, though they appear to be different flowers, will that work?” Peter pokes his head around the corner, holding up a stack of cloth serviettes.
“Oh, Peter! Yes, of course, that’s lovely. I forgot that’s what you were getting. Just bring them here.” She takes the stack from Peter and tosses a serviette to each person, placing her own on her lap. “Well, what’s the wait? Eat up.
***
Some time later, Sirius’ trousers are substantially more restricting than they had been originally. Groaning, he looks to Remus, who is still nibbling daintily at his mince pie. Feeling Sirius’ gaze upon him, Remus looks up, eyebrows raised, What?
Sirius looks pointedly from James to Lily, who are both in the midst of trying to convince Pete to abandon his latest Fairy Farm business endeavor, and returns his gaze to Remus, opening his eyes wide.
Remus shrugs, going back to his pie. If Sirius hadn’t spent the last several years acutely aware of Remus’ every quirk and mannerism, he would be in awe of Remus’ composure right now. But as it is, he can see the tense muscles in Remus’ jaw, the distracted way his eyes flit from person to person, the slight jump he gives at any unexpected sound: Remus is on edge. He’s as desperate to know what’s going on as Sirius is, only his absurd notion of propriety holds him back from voicing it. Sirius snorts, as if proprietary ever held any sway in his conduct.
He opens his mouth to speak, but before he can utter a word, Lily pushes herself back from the table and stands up.
“Well, I’m sure you’re wondering what’s going on. I mean, you’re here for dinner all the time, but there’s not usually cake. And it’s true, tonight is a special occasion.” She pauses, looking to James, a twinkle of something -- delight? deviousness? -- in her eyes. “James, go ahead. You tell them.”
James drums his fingers on the table, a sheepish smile spreading across his face. “Well, ah,” he looks to Sirius, who thinks he can detect a pleading look in his friend’s eyes. “So, Lily and I have news that we need to -- I mean, that we are excited to share with you. We didn’t exactly plan for this, but we didn’t really not plan for it either, haha. The point is, we both are really happy and we want each of you to be happy, too.”
Lily rolls her eyes, elbowing James in the ribs. “Can’t you see you’re torturing them?” she laughs, “I don’t think Sirius can even breathe. He’ll pass out if you don’t spit it out soon.”
“Lily has a baby growing inside of her!” James bursts out. He looks to Lily, who nods her head, pursing her lips so as not to laugh.
Peter’s jaw drops. Remus freezes mid-chew. Sirius’ mind has never not been blank.
Lily looks from one friend to another and turns back to James. “I think we broke them.”
James doesn’t answer. He’s looking to Sirius, who is still gazing straight ahead, eyes unblinking. For perhaps the first time in his life, Peter recovers first. “A baby...human?” he asks tentatively.
James cuffs Pete upside the head lightly, “Of course a baby human, you arse. I’m the...the…Father.”
The word galvanizes Sirius, pulling him out of his paralysis. His brain recovers its ability to process ideas and form coherent thoughts. James. James is going to be a Father. In the midst of brutal murders and curfews and never-ending planning meetings, James is going to have a wriggling pink mass of screams to keep alive, to feed, to rock to sleep, to love. Raising a child from within all this turmoil. The idea is absurd, it’s laughable, it’s unhinged, it’s
“Brilliant,” Sirius says aloud, and all eyes turn to him. “Really James, Lily, this is brilliant. Everything’s been bloody terrible, and shit week after shit week, and you never know who’s going to end up with a Dark Mark above their door. We need something good in our lives. And this is it, it’s brilliant. And...the two of you are going to be the best parents.” At this, Sirius tips his glass in salute to the couple, but when he notices the silent tears streaming down Lily’s cheeks, he sets his glass down with a thunk. “Now really, Evans, it can’t be the hormones already.”
“Oh shut it, don’t ruin the moment,” she hiccups, attempting to dry her cheeks with the heel of her palm.
But it’s James to whom Sirius looks. He watches James’ prominent Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallows forcefully, eyes bright. James gives Sirius a fraction of a nod, who returns it solemnly, holding his best friend’s gaze for several long seconds. It’s in that wordless moment, that silent commitment to one another, that something new is born between them. A bond neither can describe, but both can feel coursing through their veins, pumping through their hearts.
***
“Can I talk to you a minute?” James’ breath is hot on Sirius’ ear and his grip uncomfortably tight on Sirius’ shoulders.
“‘Course,” Sirius says, rising to follow his friend. He can hear Peter’s incessant questioning continue from the kitchen: “When will it be born? Are you going to stop coming to Order meetings? Have you told anyone else yet? Can I tell someone?”
In the study, James shuts the door, muffling Pete’s inquisition.
“You meant what you said in there.” It is not a question.
“Of course I did. I don’t lie to you, James.”
“I know. I know you meant it. But before we told you, I had no idea how you’d react. I kept imagining what you might say. I couldn’t even guess.”
“How long have you known?”
“A couple weeks. Lily wanted to wait even longer to say anything. Just to be sure. But I couldn’t keep it secret anymore. We agreed to tell just you three.”
Sirius sinks into the armchair and lets out a little burst of laughter. “Blimey, James, a baby! A real, human baby! You’re going to have a baby.” He shakes his head, smile fading. “A baby,” he whispers.
“Trust me, I’m still having trouble believing it myself.”
“Are you scared? You and Lily?”
“You have no idea. We take turns fluctuating between thrilled and terrified. What do we know about having a baby? I’ve never been more scared of anything in my life, not anything.” James perches on the footstool in front of Sirius, arms wrapped around himself. “I was more scared earlier though.”
“Earlier?”
“Before we told you.”
“Why?”
“I wasn’t sure how you’d react.”
“You thought I’d be upset about a baby ?”
James gives him a look. “Not just a baby. My baby. I thought, I dunno. Babies change things. Or so I’ve heard,” he laughs nervously. “It’s not like you’ve taken change in my life so well before, Pads.”
“James,” Sirius leans forward, making sure James is paying attention. “Do you remember your wedding?”
James does not dignify the question with an answer.
“I’m actually being serious. Seriously,” he winks, but then grows somber. “Look, it’s no secret that I wasn’t your and Lily’s biggest fan early on. I know I was a perfect prat. But. Remember when you talked to me before the wedding? And you told me that I have to stop blaming Lily for you growing up? You said all that stuff about how Lily brings out the best in you, but that she doesn’t replace our friendship. Merlin’s beard, though, I do blame Lily for teaching you to be so damned introspective. Anyway, you said that you really need my support in your marriage.” Sirius scratches his neck, looking away. “Well, I thought about that. A lot. And then I wrote that best man speech. You remember my speech?”
James looks like he wants to make a joke, but he pauses. “I won’t forget it till the day I die.”
“Then you remember the promises I made. That I will always, always be there for you and Lily, no matter what life throws at you. That you can come to me for anything, both of you. That I will always encourage you both to grow, and never try to hold you back. James, you mean more to me than I mean to me. I meant every word in that speech. And I meant every word tonight.”
James opens and closes his mouth several times before any words come out. “I know you did. Thank you, Sirius.” And to Sirius’ utter surprise, James puts his hands on either side of Sirius’ head, pulls him forward, and kisses him square in the middle of his forehead.
“Argh!” Sirius kicks James backwards, who falls, laughing, over the footstool. “Hell, James, you’re going to be a father, not my father!”
James is a heap of maniacal laughter on the floor, his whole body shaking, tears of mirth falling across his temples. Finally his laughter subsides, breath slowly returning to normal. “Whew. I needed that,” James looks at Sirius, who has been staring at him, mouth agape, throughout the whole ordeal. “I won’t try that again, mate. You should have seen your face! Blimey, do you karate chop Remus every time he leans in for a peck?”
“Totally different,” Sirius says, regaining his composure. “Remus does not condescend to me.”
“We are talking about the same Remus, right? Remus Lupin? Scratchy jumpers, perpetually ink-stained nose, friendly neighborhood werewolf? Anyway, I wasn’t condescending to you. I was showing gratitude.”
“Hmph.”
“You know, I did know you would react this way. Not about the kiss -- about the whole baby thing. I guess part of me just hoped you’d be jealous and upset and yell at us for being so stupid.”
Sirius sits silently, waiting.
“Because if you got all freaked out, then I could be the one to be calm and reasonable and talk about what a good, positive, exciting change this is for all of us. But as it is, I’m bloody terrified. I can’t even think straight. I’m not exaggerating -- today I told Lily I was going to be late for my Head Boy meeting with Dumbledore. Not the Order meeting, the Head Boy meeting.”
“Wow. You really are a complete and utter idiot. I take back everything I said. You’re going to be a terrible father.”
“I know what you’re trying to do.”
“You’re nineteen years old. You’re still a kid yourself!”
“Sirius.”
“Lily already has to take care of you, now she’s going to have to take care of two children. Poor woman. I pity her.”
“Lily does not take care of me! We take care of each other.”
“You take care of each other, and me, and Remus, and Pete, and all the lost young Order recruits. And now you’re going to add a baby to the mix? Are you going to leave the Order now, stay home and change nappies?”
“Of course we’re not going to leave the Order! Arthur and Molly have FIVE kids already, and another one on the way, and they still manage to be some of the most valuable and committed members we have!”
“We all know Arthur and Molly are in a league of their own. And so, what, this kid is just going to grow up in the midst of all this? Being babysat by a member during one meeting, only to learn at the next one that his sitter’s been killed? You’re going to just fill his life with fear and trauma?”
“We’re going to fill their life with love, damn it! Everyone we know is fighting for good in the world, and so are we - that’s what we’re going to teach our kid; they’re going to grow up loved by all these people and knowing what’s worth fighting for. You know we’re not just kids fucking around anymore, we’ve been putting our lives on the line every single day, and I’m going to do everything I can to give this kid a safe, happy, fucking brilliant life.”
Sirius leans back, smirking. “You’re welcome.”
James sighs, and then grins, shaking his head. “Be the godfather, Sirius.”
“Wha--you can’t just--you can’t just make this decision without Lily, you know.”
“We’ve talked about it. She’s the one who brought it up first. Be our kid’s godfather, Sirius.”
***
“So where did you and James sneak off to?”
Back at their flat, Remus and Sirius kick off their shoes, collapsing onto the sofa in exhaustion.
“Nowhere, just the study. James’ fatherly morale needed a bit of bolstering is all.”
“He asked you to be godfather.”
“He told you?”
“No, but it seems a natural progression. How did you respond?” Remus is carefully examining a hole in his sock. It’s possible his distraction has nothing to do with the current subject matter and everything to do with the state of his socks. Possible, but not likely. Sirius scooches closer to Remus, placing his hand over the offending hole.
“I said yes.”
“Oh. That’s jolly good. Can you move your hand, Sirius? Only, I’m trying to decide whether to mend this.”
“Jolly good?”
“Yes. You’ll be marvelous. Godfather of the century. That kid will be a pranking genius before she ever sets foot in Hogwarts.”
“Quite, quite, how very sporting of you, chap.”
“Sirius, I don’t know what you mean by that and I’m too tired to play games. Now, can you please move your hand so I can attend to the state of my socks?”
“Yes, yes, Moony, my darling, my heart, my pumpkin stuffing. I’ll remove my hand so you can attend to this very important business just as soon as you tell me what in Grunnion’s name is going through your mind right now.”
“Grunnion?”
“Inventor of dungbombs; learn your history. And don’t evade my questions.”
“You didn’t ask a question. And that’s what was going through my mind right then. I was wondering, ‘who is Grunnion?’ and now you’ve enlightened me. Thank you.”
“Moooooony, come on! Our best friends just announced that in a few short months, they will be bringing a slimy screaming brand new being into this world, and I have no idea at all how you feel about this. How do you feel about it?”
“I think I’m in shock. My body is still processing. It’s in overload. I have no earthly idea what I’m feeling.”
“OK, feelings unknown. What about thoughts? Tell me every single thought you’ve had about the imminent arrival of a tiny Lily-James hybrid.”
Remus coughs, accepting defeat. “I thought: a baby. Oh God, a baby. Have any of us ever even held a baby, or met a baby? Do you meet babies? When do they become, you know, people? Are Lily and James going to disappear into a private nest of marriage and babies? Will Sirius join them? What if I’m no longer useful? Merlin, but I’m abysmally selfish -- worrying about myself when Lily is actually growing a whole entire human being inside her body right now. How is Sirius handling this so well? How is Sirius so perfectly good to the people he loves? Soon, everyone will realize what a useless fool I am, and they’ll tell little Lily-James, and she’ll wonder why anyone ever even bothered to keep me around. Well, at least I can mend my favorite socks, and feel accomplished about something. I think that about sums up my cycle of thoughts from 20:17 this evening up until now.”
Sirius cannot understand if Remus is joking or not. But there is no hidden mirth in his eyes, no tug of a smile at the corner of his mouth. “Moony. If you think the Potter’s would ever let you out of their lives, you really are the stupidest git in the whole world.”
Remus stands up, moving away from Sirius on the couch. “Maybe I am being a bit neurotic in how I’m handling the news, but really, I’m not being stupid. I’m being pragmatic. Somehow the rest of you seem to have amnesia about this fact, but you will recall that I am a werewolf.”
“What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”
“Don’t be an imbecile, Sirius. Who wants a deranged, savage monster helping raise their kid?”
“That’s three nights out of a month! I assure you, you won’t be assigned baby patrol those nights.”
“Stop mocking this, Sirius. It’s all well and good for the four of you to be friends with me and all that, but it’s altogether different to bring a baby into the mix. Who ever heard of a werewolf being a positive role model for any kid?”
“Whoever heard of a werewolf getting to go to Hogwarts, either? So, you get to be the first for a lot of things. Besides, it’s not the werewolves’ fault that they don’t usually get to go to school or have friends -- it’s the stupid wizards’ and Ministry’s fault. Maybe if they weren’t so bloody isolated, more of them would have friends and family and kids and stuff.”
“You have no way of knowing that.” Remus’ voice is soft, nearly a whisper.
“What are you afraid is going to happen?” Sirius asks, incredulous. “Do you think you’re going to somehow transform unexpectedly during a new moon, or something? Because that’s impossible, you know that.”
“You have no idea what it’s like! You and James and Peter, you think that because you see me transform and see me as the wolf, you know what it’s like to be a werewolf. But you don’t! Even when I’m in human form, I can still feel the wolf in my mind, lurking, waiting for his turn. It’s just that most of the time, I’m somehow stronger than he is. You all think that I’m human most of the time, and wolf just a few nights a month. But that’s not it at all. I’m a werewolf all the time, it’s just my form that changes.”
Sirius stands up, stepping towards Remus and touching his elbow tentatively. “You’ve never told me that before.”
Remus pulls away, not looking at Sirius. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Bullshit. How can I understand if you won’t tell me?”
“You wouldn’t understand, Sirius, because I can’t explain it. No one knows that much about lycanthropy. Even the so-called ‘experts’ who studied me years ago. Who’s to say what sort of influence I’d have on a child? There’s not exactly precedence for this.”
“This is the most absurd logic I’ve heard in all my life, and that’s including all the insanity I heard from fifteen-year-old James. Moony, we may not know what it feels like to transform into the wolf, but we know you. I know you. I don’t think you’re capable of being a bad influence.”
“It’s just...not everything is as simple as you pretend it is. Lily’s never seen me as the wolf; if she ever did, she might change her mind.”
“And not everything is as complicated as you pretend it is. If you try telling Lily that you’re going to weasel out of being Uncle to her kid, she’ll murder you herself. Can you imagine a kid with me and James and Pete in their lives, but no Moony? I shudder to think. They wouldn’t make it past first year.”
Remus shakes his head, unconvinced. “It’s not as though there are no other stuffy rule-followers in the world. Anyone could teach the kid not to, I dunno, transfigure her head into a flobberworm or whatever nonsense.”
“That’s what you’re refusing to get through your pragmatic skull, Moony: You’re not anyone . Yes, you are a werewolf. But that’s not all you are. And if you think you can use that as an excuse to just run away when you get all neurotic, then you clearly don’t understand James and Lily at all. Now, stop creating useless arguments and come to bed.”
“You don’t know, Sirius. You don’t know what they’re actually thinking.”
“You’re right,” Sirius says, nodding, voice mockingly sincere. “I have no idea what they’re thinking. Perhaps right now, they are saying to one another, ‘oh, sweet dumpling, we must quickly find a way to banish that loathsome werewolf from our lives.’ But until I hear that with my very own ears, I won’t believe it.”
Sirius can see that Remus does not accept his reasoning, that Remus still believes in the atrocity of his own being, and he’ll stand here arguing until dawn if Sirius lets him. So Sirius walks over to their bed, pulling back the rumpled covers and climbing in. He looks to Remus, standing in the other room, arms crossed tightly across his chest. “Come to bed, Moony,” he implores, his arms open in invitation.
Remus may be able to argue with Sirius’ logic for the rest of eternity, but he can’t argue with the pure physicality that is Sirius. He lets himself be coaxed into bed and crawls in beside Sirius, his head nestling into the familiar curve of Sirius’ shoulder.