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It was the Christmas holidays of Lily’s sixth year, and she was desperately trying not to think of Severus.
She was back home in Cokeworth, tucked away in her room. It was late, definitely past midnight, and it was so cold that she contemplated putting on a pair of dragonhide gloves.
For about the millionth time, she wished Hogwarts students were able to cast spells outside of school.
Most of the lights were off in the house, so she was able to see the black night outside her window. A dirty snow was falling.
Her mind kept trailing back to Severus. Her old friend. Her ex friend. At one time, Severus was the most important person in her life, but now she wasn’t even talking to him.
They hadn’t talked for over six months now. Soon, it would be a year. A whole year … and she had managed to not even look at him …
It was torture. That was what made her keep returning to him in her thoughts. She missed him. Terribly. Despite everything. Despite him calling her a Mudblood. Despite him turning dark. She missed him, missed him, missed him … and the feeling was so useless.
Lily couldn’t welcome Severus back into her life. It was too late. And she had too much self esteem to do so. She would never, ever let a friend call her such a terrible name. And it wasn’t just the word. Severus wanted to hurt people like her. Or, at the very least, he condoned it. He did. Just look at his bloody mates!
Glowering at nothing, Lily snuggled deeper into her blankets, her late-night reading forgotten beside her.
James Potter wasn’t helping matters.
His charms were finally working.
Over the summer, he’d had the audacity to grow up. To mature. He no longer bullied people. He no longer boasted loudly for everyone to hear.
He’d finally put away that bloody Snitch.
And James Potter still wanted her.
Now Lily was frowning deeply, her eyes growing wide. He wanted her. And he was rather attractive. Frighteningly so. He could sweep her off her feet. He could sink in deep and make her love him. Just as she loved Severus.
She clapped her hands over her face, shrinking away from her own mind. She didn’t want to think about her love for Severus. Her complicated love for him. It was platonic … and not. She wanted to protect him. From himself. From the entire world. She wished to change him. Make him see reason. Make him value himself. She would already be in love with him if only he were different …
A strange noise came from outside her window. At first, she ignored it, thinking it was a barren branch tapping against the glass, but then it came again.
Intrigued, she slipped out of bed and went to have herself a look. She gave a start. There was someone in the garden, huddled in a wizard’s cloak.
Her first thought was of James Potter. Was he playing a prank? How in the world did he find out where she lived?
But then the figure drew back his hood, revealing himself to be Severus. He saw her in the window and put his finger to his mouth, then pointed to the garden door. Keep quiet and open the door for me, said the gesture.
She almost gave him two fingers and stormed back to bed. Why should she sneak down to let him inside her house? And at this hour!
Huffing, she yanked on her dressing gown and tiptoed from her bedroom. The entire house was quiet, everyone else asleep. She needed to be careful not to wake up Petunia, who was the biggest snitch Lily had ever met.
Down in the shadowy kitchen, Lily eased open the door for Severus.
For a long moment, they just stared at one another. He had grown a little taller, but not by much.
“What do you want?” Lily whispered.
He stared at her with big dark eyes. “Just to talk to you.”
“Okay …?”
He licked his lips and dragged his gaze away. “I need to speak to you but not outside. Will you take me up to your room?”
A blush came over her face. “I don’t think that would be very appropriate.”
“Please, Lily. I don’t want to risk waking anyone up.”
Still she hesitated. “I’ll be in so much trouble if my parents find a boy in my room. In the middle of the night.”
Now it was his turn to blush. He sucked in an unsteady breath. “We’re best friends. Or we used to be, at least. They’ll understand.”
“Okay,” she said, even though she still didn’t feel sure about it. He didn’t deserve an invitation into her home, let alone to her room.
She stepped aside and let him sneak past. Then she very carefully closed the door.
“Come on,” she whispered. “No talking on the stairs.”
They crept up to her room, not making any noise. When they were safe in her room, she made sure to turn the lock on the knob.
Severus waited for her in the centre of her room, still bundled up in his cloak.
She crossed her arms and kept her distance. “So?”
He was staring at her again, his gaze just eating her up. He seemed to realise what he was doing and forced himself to look away.
“I was meant to attend a meeting tonight … but instead I came here.”
“A meeting?”
“Yes.”
She frowned, not understanding the significance.
He took a deep breath. He was visibly trembling. “I’ve been waiting for years for an invitation. I thought if I got invited it would mean I was on my way to becoming somebody. Only the powerful go to these types of meetings. The powerful and the rich. The wanted. Are you following at all?”
It was her turn to stare. She felt deathly cold on the inside.
“You’re talking about becoming a Death Eater, aren’t you?” she whispered.
His gaze cut to her again. There was a plea in his expression. And shame.
He stumbled toward her, reaching out but not touching. “I meant to impress you. Make you want me. I don’t have money or looks … but I’ve got my brain. And my talent for spells and brewing. I could use it to become someone worthy—someone worthy of you.”
There was a long silence. His words took her breath away. His adult words. At some point, Severus had picked up a bit of self awareness.
They were no longer children.
Lily crept forward with utter care. Her gaze searched his face with a sweet desperation. “What are you trying to say?” she whispered. “Truly?”
He sucked in another breath, still trembling. “I’m saying that I choose you. If you let me. And I don’t expect you to return my feelings. I—I just want you in my life. As friends. As—as anything.”
She crept closer even more. “No more Mulciber? No more Avery?”
“No.”
“And what about Lucius Malfoy?”
“No.”
“You shall never speak to any of them again?”
“I’ll turn my back to them all, Lily. Every single person who is familiar with the Dark—with him.”
Moving even closer, she now stood before him. “And what about the slurs? The terrible comments about Muggles?”
His eyes shone. “I’m so fucking sorry. I am. I will do better. I will. And—and I’ll work on my hatred for others. It’s not just Muggles. It’s—it’s loads of people. I hate so many because it hurts if I don’t …”
She touched his cheek with gentle fingers. “What happened to you?” she whispered.
His eyes fluttered. His flush deepened. “I had to live without my best friend. That’s what happened to me.”
She wrapped her arms around him, pressing herself against him. She saw the shock in his expression.
Then she leaned up a bit to kiss him. He gasped against her lips.
The kiss was very quick—too quick. Severus was the one to end it by yanking back.
“Lily,” he gasped.
“I do want you,” she whispered, her own bravery nearly choking her. “I love you.”
He made a choked noise and pulled her in closer. He kissed her, his lips shy, trembling, and his hands felt very cold as they buried in her dressing gown.
She didn’t have much experience being kissed. Neither did he, so it seemed. They were both very shy as they did it.
“We have to be very quiet,” she whispered, the words barely audible.
He gave her a questioning look.
“Very, very quiet. Do you promise me?”
Frowning, he gave her a careful nod.
She smiled and drew him to her bed.
Understanding flooded his expression. His eyes went wide.
“Lily,” he choked out. He seemed unable to say much else.
Blushing all over, she removed her clothes and sneaked underneath her blankets. He stared blankly at her.
“Well? Shall you join me?”
He wavered where he stood. “Are you … serious?”
She bit her lip. “Yes. I think so.”
With trembling hands, he removed his cloak, then the plain trousers and shirt underneath. His boots and socks came last. He was so quick about it that she barely got a glimpse of his body.
Then he was underneath the blankets with her, shaking so much that his teeth chattered.
“You’re ice cold, Sev,” she murmured, wrapping her arms around him.
He squeezed his eyes closed. “Merlin,” he whispered.
Feeling emboldened, she kissed his throat, her mouth seemingly burning hot against his chilled skin.
“You’re—you’re making me aroused,” he gasped.
“Yes,” she said, sounding more confident than she felt. “Isn’t that the point?”
Suddenly, he rolled them over, and Lily found herself on her back, blinking up at him. She felt his stiffness between her thighs, and it should have been terrifying—a bit alien—but it wasn’t. This was her friend. She was so used to having his body close.
Severus stared down at her with wide eyes. With a shaky hand, he cupped one of her breasts. “You’re so pink,” he murmured, his thumb brushing over a pink nipple.
She squirmed. “Will you … do something more?”
“Like what?”
Flushing hotly, she couldn’t look at him as she whispered, “Will you put your mouth on my breast? And then—Um. Will you touch me? Lower?”
He let out a desperate gasp. “Yes.”
He lowered his head to taste her nipple shyly. Then he touched her between the thighs with a chilled hand.
The feeling was shocking. And arousing. She felt herself getting wet.
As he sucked her nipple, his fingers found her clit. His touch was so shy that she barely felt it.
“Please. More.”
He rubbed her firmly. He moaned as he played with her tit with his mouth.
Lily gasped and squirmed. Her stomach was filling up with hot feeling.
Then, quite suddenly, Severus slid down her body and put his mouth on her cunt. She had to bite down on a fist so she wouldn’t make noise.
No one had ever pleasured her like this before. The sensation was … strange. And hot. So hot. It also made her so, so vulnerable.
Her free hand buried in his hair. She arched up, trying to ride his mouth. He moaned so deeply as he managed to slip his tongue inside her.
“Oh God, oh God,” she whispered, shuddering.
Severus found her clit with his thumb, working it, even as his tongue thrust in and out of her. She felt how her wet was getting all over his chin.
“Oh God,” she said again, the pleasure making nearly all thinking halt in her brain.
She rolled her hips, needing more, not having the words to ask for it.
Severus ripped away. He pinned her in place with a hand on her hip, his other hand wrapped around his cock. His black hair fell forward, curtaining his face.
“Please, Lily,” he whispered, quivering all over.
Her gaze roamed over his body appreciatively. He had scars, too many of them. And he had miles and miles of pale, firm skin. He was too skinny, too angular, but his muscles were wound tight, his flat stomach contracting needily.
And his cock was heavy.
“It’s going to hurt,” she whispered, eyeing his erection.
“I promise to be gentle,” he said desperately.
“You can’t make noise. Not a peep. Do you promise?”
He nodded jerkily.
Lily spread her legs even more. She stuffed her fist into her mouth preemptively. Then she gave him a confirming nod.
Severus stared at her cunt as he pushed inside her for the first time. She stared at his face, watching how the penetration transformed his expression. His eyes rolled back as he sank all the way in.
Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt as much as she thought. She’d never had sex with another person before, but she was rather experienced at pleasuring herself with fingers. Perhaps that was why—
He began to move, and she made a harsh, choking sound into her fist.
“Fuck, fuck,” he gasped. “Are you okay?”
She clawed at his back, needing him closer, needing him to … do something. It was her turn to nod jerkily.
Severus moved again, thrusting carefully. He was biting down hard on his lip. His eyes were glazed over through his hair.
Then he buried his face against her throat and began to pound her. The sound of their bodies coming together was frighteningly loud.
“Hush, hush,” she gasped.
“I’m going to come,” he moaned weakly.
“Not inside me.”
“Fuck, fuck,” he gasped quietly. Then he pulled out and spurted all over her.
She watched it happen with her mouth hanging open. It was so arousing that she began to rub herself without even thinking about it.
He watched her with lidded, dazed eyes. “Go on, Lils. Do it. I want to see it.”
She stared up at his flushed, reddened face as she brought herself to orgasm. Her used cunt fluttered as it happened.
Her eyes rolled back as she rode the pleasure. She wished to scream but all she made was a little squeak.
When it was all over, they lay together in their own mess, huddling under the blankets for warmth.
Severus couldn’t stop kissing her. “I love you,” he said, sounding reverent.
“I love you, too,” she said.
He stared at her and stared at her. “I’ve loved you my entire life.”
“You haven’t known me for your entire life.”
“You know what I mean.”
Grinning, she dropped a kiss to his nose. “Whatever happens, I never want to lose your friendship. It’s too important to me. I know that now.”
“I’ll love you until the day I die. I promise you this.”
She squirmed a little, the next bit she needed to say making her shy. “Will you … be my boyfriend? Publicly? Even though you’re in Slytherin and I’m—I’m Muggleborn?”
He watched her closely. “What about James Potter?”
“I don’t want him; I want you.”
Happiness flooded his expression. His eyes gleamed almost tearfully.
“I must be dreaming, I think,” he whispered.
“You’re not.”
He rolled them over again. He kissed her with a desperate tenderness. “Yes, I will be your boyfriend. And hopefully, one day, your husband.”
“Oh, Severus,” she said, and kissed him back.
Everything felt right again.
Her friend had returned to her.
Her boyfriend.