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Jisung’s heart feels like a lead ball in his chest.
He watches Changbin in front of him, headphones perched atop his head, going over their latest mix over and over again until he can figure out what’s wrong. It’s been a long day, and they’re both very tired and hungry. It doesn’t help that Jisung had been the last one to touch this song, and now having Changbin pick it apart like this feels discouraging.
Changbin sighs, and takes his headphones off, sitting them on the desk. “I can’t figure out why this isn’t working. It’s just not. We might have to redo the whole thing.”
Jisung’s heart twinges painfully. “All of it?”
Changbin shrugs, unaware of Jisung’s sulking behind him. He scrubs his face with his palms, and digs the heels of his hands into his eyes. “You were the one who told me it wasn’t working and asked me to help you fix it, and this is my only solution right now. We can sleep on it and let Chan give it a listen, but that’s about all I’ve got.”
He always talks to Jisung differently than he does everyone else. To the younger idols that they work with, he’s loud and encouraging. To their other members, he’s thoughtful and patient. Hell, even with Chan, he speaks softly because Chan has a million other things he has to deal with at all times and Changbin doesn’t want to put any more stress on his plate.
But with Jisung, Changbin is blunt. He is brazen. He is honest, almost to a fault. And despite what Jisung would like to have everyone else think, he has not completely outgrown the insecurities of his teenage years. Most of the time, he can take it. He knows it’s not personal. He knows Changbin loves him and would never be intentionally cruel to him. But sometimes, it’s too much.
The words dig into his tongue like barbed wire, but he speaks them anyway — soft and hesitant, but still loud enough to be heard. “Why do you treat everyone else differently than the way you treat me?”
Changbin, caught off guard, startles and turns around in his chair. “What do you mean?”
Jisung hates what he’s about to say. “You’re… gentler with them. Sweeter.”
Changbin blinks, his brow furrowing with confusion. “Jisung-ah, what? Do you want me to change the way I talk to you?”
Jisung can feel the hot pinpricks of tears welling up, and the ugly mess of jealousy inside him takes over. He snaps. “I wish you’d treat me like you were afraid to lose me like you do with them!”
The silence that falls over them afterward is heavy. It’s too much to carry, and Jisung wouldn’t be able to lift it on his own even if he wanted to. He drops his gaze to the floor, his vision blurring through the tears in his eyes. He doesn’t want to look at Changbin right now — doesn’t want to see whatever emotion is playing out across his handsome face.
The quiet is cracked only by the sounds of Jisung finally actually letting himself cry, sniffled sobs and gasps as his chest heaves for breath, and that’s what spurs Changbin into action. His voice jumps up in pitch. He’s scrambling. “Jisungie, my baby, my sweetheart, my darling, come here. Come here.”
He pushes himself across the room on the wheels of his chair, and tugs Jisung down into his lap. Jisung lets himself be cradled and pulled close to his hyung’s chest. For some reason, this only makes him sob harder, and he muffles his snotty cries into Changbin’s shoulder.
Changbin shushes him softly, and begins to gently trail one hand up and down his back in a soothing motion. “Hey, now. Hey. It’s not like that. It’s… give me a minute, okay? Give me a minute to explain.”
Jisung waits patiently as the wheels turn in his head; he knows that in moments like this, Changbin wants to be sure that what he’s saying is fully thought-out. They’re often opposites in this way, with Jisung blurting out whatever’s on his mind as long as he trusts the person with him, like what got them into this situation in the first place. He can feel himself starting to calm down, his shaking somewhat subdued by the comforting feeling of Changbin’s warm body against his own.
After a while, Changbin finally speaks, his voice steady, confident, and sure. “Jisung-ah, I never treated you like I was afraid to lose you because I wasn’t scared I would lose you. I can be myself around you without worrying that I’m going to run you off.”
Jisung sniffles pitifully. “Huh?”
“You’re— you— even throughout the survival show, the one thing I was sure of was you.” Changbin sighs softly, and wipes the tears from his face with kind hands and a somber expression. “I have always been so confident that you’d always be in my life that it never occurred to me to be scared to lose you. For every plan I’ve made in my life, I could never imagine a day where you weren’t there.”
A small, sheepish smile curves Changbin’s lips upward. A touch of vulnerability that makes Jisung’s chest ache.
“Oh,” Jisung murmurs, furiously scrubbing at his eyes with embarrassment. “I see now. I get it.”
Changbin pulls his hands away from his face so that he can look at him, gently nudging his jaw up so that their gazes meet. “But I can always be softer with you, my sweet Jisungie,” he murmurs, bringing his warm palm up to cradle Jisung’s cheek. “All you have to do is ask. You don’t have to talk in riddles around me, or deny yourself of something you need just because you’re unsure. It’s just gonna fester inside you if you do that.”
Jisung swallows down his shame. “I know. I’m sorry, hyung. It’s just hard when I get…”
“Anxious. Insecure. I know.” Changbin pulls him closer and presses a soft kiss into his hair. A sense of safety settles over Jisung like a blanket. He tucks his head into the crook of Changbin’s neck and closes his eyes. “I’m sorry too. This is my fault, not yours.”
“We’re both tired,” Jisung supplies, nuzzling at his throat. “It’s been a shit day.”
“It has,” Changbin confirms, threading his fingers into the hair at the nape of Jisung’s neck. “But regardless, I want you to know that you’re my baby. Always have been. Even before all… this. Everyone getting together and shit. So there’s no world in which you asking me for something could ever be bad.”
Jisung feels a spark of warmth flicker in his chest. “I love you, hyung.”
Changbin presses another kiss to his temple. “I love you too. There’s no world in which you needing me in a different way would ever change how much I love you. You are all of my tomorrows.”
Jisung can’t suppress his smile, no matter how much he hides his face, and he knows Changbin can feel it pressed into his skin. “You’re being cheesy, hyung. I’m not used to it this much yet.”
“But you look happy,” Changbin murmurs, squeezing him gently. “So get used to it.”
Jisung’s stomach, now fueled by both the hunger from the day and from the exertion of crying, complains with a loud growl, startling him into sitting up with a groan. “I’m so hungry.”
Changbin wheels them both back over to the desk in the chair, reaching out with his free hand to close all of the programs he has open on his computer. “Let’s go eat, baby. I’m done with this. I’m yours for the rest of the night.”
As they leave the studio, Jisung lets Changbin put his jacket on him, both of them somewhat bashful about it. It’s lovely, though. It feels good. His heart flutters when they lace their fingers together and walk out the door to face the world together, a comforting reminder that everything is going to be okay.