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Mizuki had never felt so lonely in their entire life. After Yuuki – their sister, their only true confidant – had left for Paris, they had never wanted to disappear more. They’d started growing out their hair, and it was at their shoulder level now, but sending Yuuki a picture of themself was not the same as having her see their longer hair in person.
They were skipping school again. They knew it wasn’t right to forsake their class time to watch anime, but Mizuki couldn’t go back. Not after the boys had started realizing their hair was longer. Mizuki often found themself wanting to cry. Was it supposed to be this hard to be authentically themself? When Yuuki was in Shibuya, everything had seemed so much easier. Mizuki had a friend whenever their sister was around.
The only friends they had now were on Nightcord. Yuki – not their sister, the other Yuki – actually went to school like a good student, so she couldn’t be reached right now. Enanan was probably asleep, and Mizuki didn’t want to bother K. Really, they had no one. They couldn’t even talk to Yuuki, seeing as it was about three in the morning in Paris.
Mizuki glanced in the mirror. They’d lifted up the blanket off it after they decided their hair was long enough to be considered feminine. Long enough that someone who didn’t know them could say, That girl has a wonderful sense of style .
The thought of being called a girl – by someone who didn’t know them – made Mizuki happier than she’d assumed it would. Being viewed for who she actually was felt like a fever dream. Was her joy really that easy to find and be taken away? Mizuki found happiness in clothes and sewing and making MVs, but how was it fair that a few boys who wanted to ruin her day could do so easily?
She had An at school, but An couldn’t stop every jerk who wanted to call Mizuki a boy, and no matter how much she tried, Mizuki almost always found herself a target of their attacks. The only reprieve she got would be whenever the second-years' multi-day trip was, but even then, there were people who would still perceive Mizuki as male.
Unfortunately, despite her best efforts, some people still thought Mizuki was a boy. This hurt more than she wanted it to. Thankfully, most of these same people didn’t bother her about it. She could still tell they thought she wasn’t a girl based on the way they’d look at her with extreme suspicion, which was almost worse than the harassment.
Why couldn’t the world just disappear? Why couldn’t everyone just disappear – save for Yuuki – and then it would be the Akiyama siblings alone at the end of the world? If Mizuki could choose one person to be by her side, be her best friend, for the rest of their life, they’d always pick Yuuki. Always. It wasn’t even a choice. Nightcord, maybe, but Yuuki had been there for Mizuki in their worst moments, and Mizuki trusted her more than she trusted herself.
Mizuki wanted to leave. To never go to school again. If they were allowed to, they’d go to school in Paris and stay with Yuuki. Even though they spoke only a few words of French, it would be easier to start over in a new country than it would be to walk half an hour to school and face the ire of those who did not care to listen to them. Mizuki did not care if the world ended today; it would be much better if it did than to endure the daily suffering they faced now.
Tears stained their cheeks. Mizuki didn’t stop them.
Their phone buzzed. The message was probably from An or Rui, asking why they weren’t at school. Mizuki checked it anyway.
1 new notification: Hey, Mizuki, are you okay?
From their sister.
Not really.
Do you need anything?
We’re not in the same country anymore, onee-chan.
I know. I mean do you want me to talk to you.
Yeah.
Mizuki hit the call button next to Yuuki’s icon on her phone. “Hi?”
“Hi, Mizuki. What happened?”
Always to the point. “I feel alone.”
“I’d be there if I could.” Yuuki sounded a little bitter about it. “They should invent teleportation systems that don’t kill you when you use them, and then we’d see each other all the time.”
Mizuki laughed. “Sounds interesting.”
“Seriously though, what happened?”
“I wish the world would disappear for once. I’d rather be myself and be alone with only the people I care about if- if the alternative was going to hell every day in the sake of pursuing an education.”
“Hey, it’s going to be okay. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, but I promise you it’s going to be okay, Mizuki. I know it will.”
She wanted to believe that; she really did. However, wasn’t Yuuki just being optimistic? Mizuki might never climb out of this mental pit of isolation, self-hatred, and gender dysphoria. They might never get better. It might get worse, and then what could they do? Disappearing seemed so much more... peaceful, in a sense, when compared to their reality.
Yuuki would cry , she thought. That was the only thing that prevented Mizuki from letting themself disappear and vanish into the ether. If they hurt their sister by choosing to not live, that was unforgivable. If anything, staying alive so Yuuki wouldn’t worry as much, wouldn’t cry for them, was somewhat worth it.
Mizuki listened to her sister talk about her job in Paris. They listened to her console them and encourage them to be brave.
They felt slightly less tired and alone.