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It’s raining, which it hardly ever does in LA, of course it’s raining today. The weather showing the world the storm thats brewing in his mind. He’s got an arm around Buck as he hears Buck saying he’ll miss him. He’s going to miss Buck too, of course he is. He’s his best friend, his rock, and he wouldn’t have gotten through planning this move, or hell the last 7 years, without him. He’s been there for Eddie for so much, so many important moments, and not just for Eddie… For Christopher too.
They separate, Eddie had to separate from Buck or he’s not sure he ever would, and Eddie says softly “I’ll miss you too Buck..”
He see’s Bucks smile falter, but only so small Eddie may be the only one who notices it. He can’t dwell on it long. Buck catches himself, plasters on that smile that makes everything okay, and says teasingly “that’s what the phones for” to ease the tension. Neither of them laugh. They break eye contact and Eddies composure crumbles, but he can’t let Buck see that.
Eddie walks himself to the truck, suddenly aware of how heavy his body feels, like it’s weighing him down, begging him not to leave. He pushes it away and starts the truck. He looks in the rear view mirror and watches Buck try to keep the smile on his face but Eddie sees it drop when he thinks Eddie isn’t looking at him. He can’t look at him and see that disappointment and hurt so he does look away after that. Once he can’t make out the details in his face he watches Buck gets smaller in the rear view mirror, the heaviness growing, but pushes forward and focuses on getting to El Paso, to Chris. Christopher who is who he’s doing all of this for. Leaving his new found home, his found family, his Buck…
He shakes his head and turns the radio up so the music can drown out his fear, anxiety and doubts about this because he can’t doubt it. He can’t doubt going back to fix his relationship with his son because that it is the most important thing to him. He cannot miss him anymore, it’s tearing him apart and he’s crumbling more and more with each day that passes without being close to Christopher. He has to fix this.. He has to try.
He’s able to zone out, dissociate mostly through the drive. Out of LA, through different smaller cities, past palm springs, but then it starts to stretch. Nothingness. Empty. The truck is empty, the house he left is empty, his seat in Bucks jeep is empty, is his locker still empty at the firehouse? Or had someone filled it with their things already. Eddie shakes his head in frustration as the tears start to burn his eyes. The tether he felt connecting him to something in LA snaps and the tears run freely. He’s not with Christopher yet, and he left Buck standing in the road.
He left Buck just like he never wanted to. He knew Bucks fears of being abandoned and left because he had been so many times before and yet Eddie had to do it anyway. That thought is what tore through him, crashed through his breaking point. The tears were hot and fast and his breath was getting quick and erratic. He saw a sign for a rest stop so he pulled off and parked the truck and let it out. He squeezed his palms into his eyes trying to quell the emotions because he shouldn’t feel this way. He’s going to his son, so why does it still feel like he left half his heart back in LA…
This felt wrong, but it couldn’t be wrong, right? Eddies head couldn’t make sense of the conflict buzzing around so fast he couldn’t grasp a singular thought and the panic kept creeping up. He needed to breathe, he couldn’t pass out from a panic attack in his truck at a rest stop god knows where. He did his jello body trick and tried to breathe through. He’s not sure how much time passed until he felt like he was breathing normally again. Okay, he needs think some of this out before he can trust himself back on the road.
He feels chills all over his body, like he’s missing the warmth that came from.. something. Buck, he realizes, always had small moments of physical touch that he seems to have gotten addicted to, and now he’s in withdrawal. To the touch that warmed his body… But now he feels like he’s in a winter storm, plunged into icy waters. Like the sun has been plucked from his personal sky and it’s dark, cold and empty. His heart is breaking before he can understand the full meaning of his feelings. He is going to get back half of his heart but it seems that it’s costing him the other half..
Wait.
Buck, the other half of his heart? His breathing picks up again and the tears flow harder. He knows he loves Buck. They’ve been partners, best friends for years. Nearly inseparable, with each other more than they’re alone. He knows Buck like he knows himself, maybe even more. His stomach feels hot and tangled and he’s spiraling in these thoughts trying to uncover something he buried under pressure and guilt and fear. His head starts throwing back moments from different people in his life. The words swirling around his thoughts, swimming recklessly.
you didn’t want to seem weak.
you think I want to see my only son become a cheerleader?
be the man of the house.
you don’t seem to have a problem committing to certain things.
I think you were punishing yourself.
maybe she felt like she was missing out on the life she could’ve had if she’d been born someone else and made different choices.
don’t you think about stuff like that?
The last one he sits on. Born someone else… somewhere else. How would he feel if he wasn’t born into a family of… certain values. Where he was forced to “be a man” before he could even be a boy. He wasn’t allowed to feel his feelings let alone explore them, so how is he supposed to know what he feels now? Is this just missing his best friend or is this… more? He smacks his
hand against the steering wheel and looks up, willing the tears to stop, but they don’t. Of course he’s having a crisis on his way to where he thought he was supposed to be.. of course. The words still swimming around.
I think that you were denying yourself, because you don’t feel worthy.
What is he supposed to do with this? He has no idea… for now he takes a deep breath in and starts the truck again. He has to talk to Christopher no matter what, maybe the drive can give him more clarity…
Of joy.
By the time he reaches El Paso he’s come to two conclusions. One, he’s pretty sure he’s gay. Two, the more important and more absolute of the conclusions, he’s irrevocably in love with his best friend. How he didn’t see it before is a little mind boggling, just like the rest of his thoughts. The way he missed him before he drove down the street should’ve been a pretty obvious sign.
He doesn’t think platonic friends feel that empty before they even lose sight of their friend. But looking back on all of his and Bucks time together… the crippling fear when he’s in danger whether it’s hanging from a ladder or covered in blood, the fondness when he sees him with Christopher, the gratefulness when he saved Christopher risking his own life in the process, his selflessness when he always no matter what showed up for Eddie.
Even when Eddie was leaving him. He knew it as a fact. He loved Evan Buckley. Looking over their interactions and knowing Buck as well as he does, he’s pretty positive Buck loves him too and that breaks his heart a little more after leaving him on that rainy Los Angeles street. He wishes he would’ve realized this sooner…
Why didn’t he realize this sooner?
He shakes his head and his arms like he’s releasing the tension and anxiety of all of these thoughts because he just pulled up to his childhood home and this had to be more important right now. He sighed deeply, knuckles gripping the steering wheel. Grounding himself and preparing for the storm that comes when he knocks on that door, when he sees his son’s face for the first time in months. But God, he couldn’t wait to see that face.
He has to force his body to the door, weighted down with everything he’s been feeling. The last few months, hell maybe years, are bubbling under his skin like molten lava, threatening to burn him alive on the inside out. He has no idea how all of this will work out moving forward but he has to focus on one thing at a time to avoid breaking down completely.
Right now the one thing is Christopher. Getting inside, actually communicating with his son. Apologizing, begging if he has to, for everything he did wrong to cause this deep chasm between them. He exhales long and hard, then knocks three quick times on the door and waits.
Time stands still and he’s not sure if he breathes at all. He could swear he hears ticking in his head counting the seconds as they pass. Is he doing the right thing? Surprising them like this? Springing it on his parents, on Chris… But if he told them he wanted to come he knows they would’ve tried to talk him out of it, made him feel less than, wrong, incompetent. Convinced him that Chris needed more time away from his failure of a father. He shakes the thought loose when the door swings open.
He wasn’t sure who he expected to open it, one of his parents for sure, but when the door swung open he was staring into the eyes of the missing piece of his heart.
“Christopher…” Eddie exhaled breathing for the first time since he stepped up to the door.
The shock on Christopher’s face was mixed with something else. “Dad..? What..” Christopher was cut off by his mom swinging the door a little more open so she could see.
“Who is it Chris..” She had said at the same time Chris talked and she froze.
Shock, confusion, and anger flashed on her face. “Eddie… what are you doing here?”
Eddie took a deep breath looking between his mother and his son before locking eyes with Christopher. “I’m here for my son,” he says, coming out more confident than he thought he could pull off.
“What do you mean you’re here for Christopher? You didn’t even tell us you were coming. What kind of game are you playing at Edmundo?” Helena says with disdain in her voice that makes Eddie want to curl back into himself and give in, but he cannot do that this time.He has to stand his ground if he wants his son back. And he needs his son back.
“Ramon!” Helena calls before Eddie can even respond.
“Mom, i’m here because i’ve been pushed away from my son for too long and I need to talk to him. Not through a screen, and not through you.” He sees his mom’s face wince at the last part of that.
Chris is looking between him and his mom with a look of concern but he stays silent, searching his dad’s face for something, what he’s not sure. Eddie takes the chance when he sees it.
“Christopher, it’s been too long. I know you’re angry with me. I know that. I know I messed up, in a huge way… but please. Please Chris let me explain, let me apologize, let me back in Chris. I’ll beg if I have to. I let you go, I gave you space but i am still your dad. Please. Let me talk to you.”
Christopher’s staring up at him, his eyes watering threatening to spill over with tears. He nods so subtly Eddie may have missed it. He only then realized his own tears silently spilling out of his eyes.
He wipes his face and is cut short by his father “Eddie, is that the best idea? To show up unannounced and ambush him.”
Eddie tries to hide his anger, he doesn’t need to let Chris see that. “Dad… it’s not an ambush. I’m going to talk to my son. He came here for space from me, I get that. But you have made it seem permanent, making plans and not telling me anything. I’m done missing out on my son’s life.” Eddie spits out.
His mom responds this time, “So what, you’re going to take him back to LA? To the chaos that you live over there?” Helena sure knows how to twist the knife.
Eddie sighs, rubbing his hands over his face. “No, mom. I’m here to stay, if this is where Chris wants to be then I will be here too.”
Her face falters at that looking shocked more than anything. He looks down to Chris whose face flashes from shock, to confusion, to then at Eddie’s surprise… anger.
“WHAT?” Chris yells.
The first words he hears from him in person in months. Eddies confusion grows deeper. Was he wrong? Does Chris hate him so much that the thought of him being around pains him this much. God, he hurt him so much..
Eddie’s spiraling before Christopher starts again “No dad, I don’t want you to move here. Why would you do that!!!!” Chris stammers and turns around on his heels his crutches clanking on the floor as he storms off to his room.
Eddie shares panicked faces between his parents before he pushes past them to follow Chris, ignoring the words coming from his parents. “leave him be Edmundo” “don’t push him Eddie”.
No, he’s not listening to them. He came here to talk to Chris and damnit that’s what he’s going to do. Christopher already had his door closed by the time Eddie reached it. He steadied himself and takes a long deep inhale. He knocks softly
“Chris… please let me in. Let’s talk about this, just me and you kid…”. He breathes silently, waiting for some response to let him know to go in.
The seconds feel like hours as he waits, going over everything he did to get here.. Before he gets too deep he hears his son’s voice, soft and wobbly. “come in….”
His heart breaks at how unsure his son sounds about talking to him. He doesn’t let that thought linger too much before he softly opens the door, walking into his son’s room and shutting it behind him.
He sees his son, cradling his legs at the head of his bed against the wall. He’s got tears falling from his eyes and his cheeks are red and blotchy. Eddies heart breaks even more at this sight, if that’s even possible. It feels like his heart is in so many little pieces by this point that he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to pick them all up and piece them back together.
“Chris…” he says softly, “Chris, i’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I never meant…” He has to stop and take a deep breath to stop the tears.
He sits on the edge of the bed, not too close, not nearly as close as he wants to be, but close enough to let Christopher feel his presence. He locks eyes with his son “Christopher, I never meant to hurt you. You have to know that.”
Chris stares into Eddie’s eyes like he’s seeing into his mind, looking for truth, honesty, answers.. Eddies not sure he had all of the answers but he’d give him any that he did have.
“I know that, dad… but you did.” Chris is still looking at him, lip trembling as he speaks. “Why was she there dad”
Eddie looks down breathing in the thoughtful way he learned in therapy to calm his panic. He knew this question was coming but still… it was a lot.
“Okay, I’m gonna tell you the story but I need you to listen to me, okay?” Eddie looks back at Chris who gives a small nod, telling him to continue. “I saw her… Kim.. At a store one day. It was like seeing a ghost Chris, it was like seeing your mother. I was so shocked and confused that I had to talk to her. I didn’t tell her and I should’ve but I was so lost in my grief.. I still missed your mom.. she was my best friend. And talking to Kim it just… I don’t know Chris, it felt like I was talking to her for just a moment.”
They both had tears silently falling but he had to push through, tell his side while he could. “I had to tell her eventually, so i had her come over and I showed her your mom and explained what happened and she was shocked too, of course she was, but I apologized and that was that. I never thought i’d see her again. Then she shows back up without asking, dressed up and talking to me like she was your mom. I asked her to stop multiple times Chris, I asked her to leave. She wouldn’t, I think she was trying to be kind, help me move on or something I’m not sure…”
He rubs his face with his hands before continuing. “I fell into that grief I’d been holding onto so tightly and I poured it out to her and said things I felt like I never got too… Then I was hugging her goodbye and you walked in. I never meant for you to see her or know about her Christopher, I promise. And I’m so sorry you did. I’m so sorry I did that to you. That I…” he choked on a sob and had to breathe again. “That I hurt you. I am so so sorry.”
They sit in silence for a while, tears falling down both of their faces, staring at each other but exchanging no words… Eddie breaks first. “Chris… please say something.”
Chris sighs and looks exhausted back at his dad. “I don’t want you to move here,” he says flatly.
Eddie panics and starts sputtering “Christopher you can’t keep me away forever. I know I messed up but I am your dad and you have to…”
Chris shoots his hand up “Dad stop. I am forgiving you… or i’m trying to. I just meant.. I just meant..” he’s fidgeting while trying to find the words.
“What Chris?.. What do you mean?”
His son looks back at him “I just meant I want to come home. I don’t want to stay here anymore…” the fear in his voice breaks him a little but the shock that he feels is more powerful.
“You… You want to come home? Really?”
Chris nods nervously. “is that okay?”
Eddie can’t help the chuckle he lets out with tears falling simultaneously. “Chris of course it’s okay.”
Eddie leans into Chris, asking permission with his arms before Chris nods slightly, he curls his son into his arms. Yes he’s grown but this is still his baby. He nuzzles his face into his son’s curls and breathes, really breathes for the first time in months.
“I missed you, kid,” Eddie whispers.
“I missed you too, dad… I miss you all the time.”
After talking for a while after that they both decided Chris would stay with his grandparents that night and have his time to talk to them about leaving and his decision. Eddie, not saying anything to his parents on the way out besides that they’ll talk tomorrow, heads to a hotel down the street. He has a rental for a month but it doesn’t start until tomorrow.
He checks in, the exhaustion hitting full force after the traveling. He isn’t sure how everything will work now that he’s packed all of his things and driven across states to move to where his son was, only to be told his son wanted to come home. Maybe he should’ve talked to Chris before jumping the gun…
He was alwaystold he was a bit impulsive but this one really takes the cake.
He gets into the room, a basic room, but it’ll do. Eddie could sleep anywhere at this point. He puts his bag down on the bed and pulls out some comfortable sweats and heads to the bathroom. He lets the shower wash away the tears and the tension from the day. It can’t wash away everything but it’s better than when he got here. He lays on the bed and opens his phone, seeing a few missed texts, mostly from Buck.
He sighs and sets his phone down… Buck. His best friend who he also is in love with. He’s still in the throws of the Christopher and getting him home problem so he’s not sure how much he can handle, thought wise on this Buck issue.. not that it’s an issue, it’s just… he doesn’t know. He wipes his face down with his hands. He shoots back a simple text that he made it and was resting but would fill him in soon. Eddie closes his eyes and lets the world fade around him, falling asleep quicker than he has in months.
———————————————
He feels heat first. Then pain, pulling, tugging, shuffling, and he can’t see anything. It’s dark, wet. He tries to focus and find out where he is, what’s going on. His eyes bolt around but nothing makes sense until he sees one thing that always does, Buck. He’d recognize those blue eyes anywhere. He could paint their exact color from memory. They pull him in and ground him, they are his gravity holding him to this very earth. He sees those eyes but something’s wrong.
They’re panicked, and tears are flowing from them. He scans the rest of Buck’s face and sees something that stops his heart in its chest. Blood. Lots and lots of blood. It’s covering his partners face in a terrifying way that makes it hard to breathe. He’s reaching out, screaming Bucks name, begging to make sure he’s okay, trying desperately to reach him but Buck is pulled further and further away until darkness plunges Eddie under again.
He wakes up in a cold sweat trying to catch his breath. He scans the room and breathes deeper when he sees he’s back in the basic hotel room in El Paso. This isn’t the first time he’s had nightmares about Buck covered in his blood but it has been a while so it caught him off guard. Buck being in danger and the way it makes him feel like his heart has been carved from his chest should’ve been a sign, he thinks with a resigned sigh. Also the fact that he was the one shot, but the nightmare is never about himself, always about his Buck… He cries, from the stress of the nightmare he assumes.
He checks his phone and sees that it’s 2:30am and no one has texted, which is a good sign in their work. He takes it further and checks Bucks location. They had shared it with each other in case of emergencies but he just had to check. He’s at Maddie’s. He must have crashed with them tonight, but Eddie can breathe again. Buck is safe, he’s okay, he’s with family. Eddie lays back down forcing himself back to sleep.
Eddie wakes up to his head throbbing. Probably from the crying and he also didn’t eat or drink anything before crashing last night. He sighs and rubs his eyes before opening them and checking the time on his phone. 7am. At least he got some rest, he thinks. He also sees a text from buck. Good luck. Miss you guys.. Eddie states at the text for a little too long, can you blame him? He starts to get up and look for clothes today as his mind starts racing on everything he has to do. He has to get back and talk to Christopher about the details and plans of going back. He has to figure out the moving back thing.
Luckily he didn’t sell his house but there is the whole… well Buck living in his house thing. They had talked about it before and neither of them really wanted strangers in the house that the 3 of them had so many memories in… The house the 3 of them had made into a home. He’s not sure if it was fair to Buck. It was too similar to a previous experience of Bucks with you know who. But Eddie was selfish, and when Buck offered to rent the house out he took him up on the offer. He will have to talk to Buck… Chris first though.
He also wants, no needs, to talk to Chris about his self realization when it comes to his sexuality and his feelings for Buck. Because if Chris isn’t okay with this he will have to stop it before it even starts. He winces at that thought but shoves it back down. He’s blaming himself again for being so impulsive with this move but he wasn’t in his right mind. His only thought was getting back to Christopher and fixing their relationship. He can’t even express his gratitude that his son wants to do that from LA. He has to call Bobby too, he thinks as he changes. He’s dialing before he puts too much thought into it. The phone rings twice before it stops and Eddie doesn’t give the other man a chance to say hello.
“You were right Bobby.”
“Hi Eddie, how are you?” Bobby chuckles. “What do you mean? How’s Chris?”
Eddie takes a deep inhale before he explains everything to Bobby. How Chris didn’t want Eddie to move, he wanted to come home. How he listened to Eddie’s story and apology. He didn’t tell Bobby about his other crisis yet, that was for another day.
“Well,” Bobby started “I won’t say I told you so. I am glad though. And of course your spot is still here, we never filled it just had Ravi on our shifts for now anyways with another floater from B shift. We can arrange the schedules when you know you’ll be back.”
Eddie felt so much lighter knowing at least his family at the 118 would still be there for him when he gets back. “Oh and Bobby, please don’t tell Buck yet. I want to make everything solid before I talk to him, okay?”
He hears a hum from Bobby’s end before his captain responds “Sure thing, Eddie. I know he’ll be thrilled though. He isn’t the same without you here.”
Eddie clears his throat to cover the almost whine that came out of him. A whine? Really? Get it together Diaz, he thinks to himself.
“Yeah I’m not really the same without him either. Thanks, Bobby. Talk soon.”
Bobby agrees and they say their goodbyes and Eddie has to sit for a second with that. He wonders what Bobby meant when he said Buck wasn’t the same. Was he terrorizing poor Ravi and the other B shifter? He has to forget about that for now and go see Chris.
He gets back in his truck and starts driving with the same anxiety as yesterday, maybe slightly lessened by the fact his son already admitted he wants to come home. But his parents and the fight this will cause is riddling him with doubts and anxieties. When he’s driving he notices he’s about to pass the church he used to be forced to attend when he was younger.
A wave of guilt and pressure and fear rolls through his body like a trauma response. He drives past and shakes it off, swearing to not let that control him anymore. The self hatred and doubt that came from those times are not good to dwell on. Another thank you to therapy, or Frank specifically. He knows he will have to set up another session after all this. His thoughts are cut short when he parks outside of the house taking another deep breath in as he looks at the place that never felt as much home as the one he left behind in LA did. Does. He can’t wait to leave this place behind, again.
He walks up to the door and knocks quickly, almost impatient to see his son again even though he just saw him. After months he’s desperate for that time back that he can’t have so now he just wants all he can get. His mom answers the door this time, her pulled tight. She doesn’t say anything as she opens the door more for him to walk in and she walks away towards the kitchen. He shuts the door behind them and sees his dad on the couch.
“Chris?” is all he says.
His dad answers with a nod towards his son’s room. No words. That’s okay with Eddie, he thinks, as he walks towards the bedroom where his son has been for month. His heart aches. He knocks lightly on the door. “Chris.. it’s me. Can I come in?” He hears some shuffling on the other side of the door before it’s opening for him. His son looks up at him shyly before ushering him into his bedroom and closing the door behind them. Eddie looks around and sees that Chris is already packing things away. His heart lurches out of his chest, he was serious… he wants to go home.
“Buck is in our house?” Eddie can’t help the small laugh that escapes when his son speaks again.
Of course that’s what he took from their talk. They discussed moving back, when he wanted to and where, and all those details. They decided to go in two weeks. Before Christmas. Chris decided he was okay finishing the second half of school in LA. Eddie thought for sure he’d be stuck here in El Paso, in the cold dark place, with his son but without his sun for half a year at least. He was so grateful that was not the case. The two weeks would be enough of a struggle.
“Yeah bud, he didn’t want us to get rid of the house either,” Eddie responds.
He hears a hum from his son and Christopher looks around seemingly lost in thought. “Would he stay when we get back? In the house, with us?” He finally questioned.
Eddie wiped his hands on his jeans, suddenly aware of how clammy he was. His heart rate picked up and he had to monitor his breathing. It was time to discuss something else with Chris now and he’s not sure he’d ever been more nervous before in his life. The thing about his realization is that it had been there, buried deep and under so much rubble that he’s not sure when it cleared.
He thinks Buck might have been clearing it for him without him knowing and he only realized when Buck broke that last barrier. It wasn’t a thought he was allowed to have growing up here, he knows that.
The church, the people of Texas… it just wasn’t something he let himself think too much into. Now that he had he had come to the conclusion that he was a gay man. It was weird, how accepting it in his brain made him feel lighter… There was still a lot in his past he had to unpack with this but he was okay for right now just knowing himself a little better. He’d talk to Frank soon when he inevitably spirals about the choices he made before accepting this part of himself.
“I need to talk to you about something else, Christopher…” Eddie says quietly, looking down nervously.
His son must have picked up on his nervous energy because he gets a weird panic in his eyes as he asks “What? are you dating a new girl?”
Eddie shakes his head and looks at Chris confused, then he feels sad because that’s the fear his son had. That someone new and fleeting was already in Eddie’s life, waiting to leave them or for Eddie to leave her. Ouch. He remembers that for his talk with Frank before he speaks again.
“No! Not at all… Uh… Actually.. It’s uh… It’s about me Chris.” He was stuttering and finding it hard to get the words out which only deepened the concern and confusion on his son’s face.
“Okay…” Christopher spoke quietly, encouraging him to continue.
“Well. I realized there’s a reason that none of those relationships before worked out. Why I couldn’t make them work no matter how bad I tried or how bad I wanted them to, for us.” He clears his throat.
This is hard to say out loud, but he has to. “I loved your mom Chris, you have to know that. She was my best friend… We were kids but she was my best friend. She gave me the greatest gift of my life, you and I did love her. But I don’t think I was… In love with her. I don’t think I could have been.. Because there’s something about myself that I’ve come to realize and it’s shown me a lot.” He makes eye contact with his son, readying himself to say these words out loud for the first time. “I’m gay… Christopher. That’s what I needed to tell you.”
His son’s jaw opens slightly in shock, or confusion maybe and he stares at his dad like he’s trying to figure something out. He sits silently with this information for a while, Eddie sitting watching and waiting, not pushing him to rush to respond. His eyes must be pleading because
Chris catches them and sighs heavily before he says, “that actually makes a lot of sense”
Eddie actually huffs out a small laugh at that and says “Oh really?” with a slight smile.
Christopher, thank goodness, lets a smile crack at his lips as well “Yeah. I think so. You never really seemed…happy with them. The girls. And you did panic when Ana got too close to us like a family.”
Eddie nods and hums in agreement. After a few moments Chris reaches for his dad and initiates a hug. Eddie tears up immediately but holds his son close to him, putting a kiss on the top of his head.
“Thanks for telling me dad… I’m proud of you”.
Eddie’s tears flow a little faster at that. Proud? Of him? His son… was proud. That made his body feel lighter than it had in years. He’s sure he could float right out into the sky if he wasn’t anchored by Chris’s arms right now. They separate and sit back down on the bed before Chris continues.
“So.. Buck and you? That’s why he’s at the house. Is that why you told me before answering?”
Eddies eyes snap open and his neck whips back to look at Chris who has a flat look on his face. No shock, no nothing, he said it plain as day like it was a fact.
“What??” Eddie can’t help but spit out. “Me and Buck? Why would you think that?”
Then it’s Chris that laughs and looks confused at his dad.
“Really dad? He came out recently and even before that he was always there. He’s already like family with us and he never made you panic. He’s in our house while you’re here. I don’t know… it just made sense for that to be what caused you to see it all,” he said gesturing with his hands wildly.
Huh.. Eddie thought. His son was too perceptive for his own good. “Well…” Eddie thinks about how to say this. “I am not positive on how Buck feels, but you’re not wrong bud. I feel that way for him but I haven’t told him yet. I haven’t told anyone about me yet. I had to tell you first.”
Christopher’s eyes immediately fill with tears as he hugs his dad again. After another few minutes of holding each other Chris looks back up at Eddie and asks “you’re going to tell him right?”
Eddie searches his son’s face for any anger or fear but doesn’t see that. He sees… hope?
“Would you be okay with that?” he questions.
Chris is nodding before Eddie finishes his question and answers “Duh dad. It’s Buck.” and Eddie is sure his heart split open right there on that bed in El Paso.
They finish their talk and Eddie isn’t even worried about talking to his parents anymore. Chris was all that mattered when it came to every reason that brought him here. They were not happy with him leaving and taking Christopher back with him but he didn’t let that dull his flame that grew inside him. He was taking him home. They couldn’t stop him. He didn’t tell them the other part, he still had to be here for two weeks and he’s not sure he could handle the fallout of that right now. He hugged Chris, told him he was going to his rental and giving him time with his grandparents and that he’d be back.
“You promise?” Chris had asked, and ouch, Eddie hated the doubt that was planted in his son now.
He was going to do his best to squash those doubts as soon as he could. Eddie stuck his pinky out, reminding them both of their missing piece back in LA, and said “promise. I love you mijo.”
Chris smiled and hooked his pinky with his dad and whispered I love you back and Eddie was heading out the door. His stomach grumbled as he walked to his truck. He decided to stop for food before going to grab his bag and transfer it to the rental he’d stay in for the next two weeks before he could finally get back to sunlight.
He gets settled into the rental, it’s a small house with a couple furnished bedrooms. He’s so glad he’s not going to have to get used to this place. It’s not terrible, but it’s not his home. Eddie feels taxed, emotionally and physically and he decides a nap is what he deserves. He changes into sweats and settles into the bed. It’s not the right bed, but it will do for now. He rubs his eyes and lets his thoughts drift him off to sleep.
He feels rain on his face and a chill covers his body before he can see where he is. He’s on the ground staring up at a rain filled sky. His body is buzzing, it hurts. He shakes his head and clears his eyes to focus on what’s happening. He looks up and sees him. Buck. Dangling, lifeless, from the ladder. Eddies body stills and his heart stops completely. He runs up the ladder pushing his body to move faster than physically possible. He pulls with every ounce of strength he has, willing his arms to be strong enough to pull Buck up to him and come back to life in his arms but Buck keeps getting further away the ladder getting taller and his heart more unreachable by the the minute. He’s screaming Bucks name into the abyss….
He wakes up in a cold sweat again, eyes darting around the room. He sees the rental room he laid down in and has to ground his feet on the floor and press his palms into his eyes hard to slow his breathing. Another nightmare? He shakes his head. It’s as if his body was having a physical reaction to being too far in distance from its other half. His partner. His mind didn’t know what to do without that connection and Eddie couldn’t blame it. He had to talk to Buck. Assure him that they were coming home. Make sure both of them know that so maybe his brain can stop showing him images of the worst days of his life.
He sits down on the wrong couch, and pulls out his phone. He doesn’t want to tell Buck any of this over the phone. He wants to look into Bucks eyes as he splays himself open for his best friend, letting him in on the only part of himself that Buck doesn’t know. He does, however, need to talk to him about them coming home. He almost wishes he could surprise Buck. Show up back on shift one day and see the smile that breaks across his best friend’s face, the smile that’s reserved for him. He sighs. Buck is in the house as much as he’s in his nightmares though so he has to tell him. He starts dialing and the ringing echoed in his ears. He felt hot and his skin buzzed. This was just Buck, he needs to breathe. He shakes his tension out and takes a deep breath before he hears him speak.
“Hey Eddie… How are you? How’s Chris? Have you guys talked? How did your parents respond I mean they couldn’t have been happy with you showing up but you did the right thing you know I said that I hope they can see that and Chris can see that and….”
He had to cut him off before he kept going but he could listen to this man ramble all day, any day. Eddie chuckles and stops him “Buck, Buck slow down,” he laughs. “Hi.”
He hears Bucks breathy laugh as he calms himself down. “Hi Eddie.”. Eddie can’t help the smile that’s breaking across his face. He’s got it bad that’s for sure. “I did talk with Christopher. My parents weren’t thrilled but we knew that would be the case. Christopher and I had a very good talk and that’s all that matters. That’s why I came.”
He hears buck clear his throat and his voice sounds a little deeper, scratchier when he speaks. “Yeah of course. That’s so good Eddie, i’m so glad he’s talking to you….” He sighs loudly before asking “How’s uh… how’s the house?”
Eddie can tell even from the phone that Buck struggled to ask that, and he can feel Bucks furrowed brow from states away. Eddie chuckles, wishing he could see Bucks face when he says this next part.
“It’s okay, small, quiet. It’s a good thing I only need it for a couple weeks.” He smiles into his phone knowing that it’s going to take a minute for Buck to catch up.
He hears Buck choke on air and stutter around noises before forming actual words “What why?? What do you mean? Did you find a different one to buy or did something happen?” he finally spits out.
“Yeah something happened, Buck,” Eddie says with a smile. “We’re coming home. Me and Christopher.”
The next two weeks go faster than Eddie thought, but also felt painfully slow. He didn’t fully unpack his things he had stored in the small u-haul, which meant he had to pay for the entire time he kept it but that was as small price to pay to be able to go back home instead of settling here in a place he would never feel settled. Him and Buck had talked daily about coming back.
He had to reassure Buck many times that they could both be in the house, that they would make it work and that Chris was more than excited for Buck to be there with them. He wishes he could tell him more but again that was an in person conversation. It was the day they were set to leave and Eddie was vibrating. His body aching to get back to where he belonged. He grabbed his phone unlocking it to open a folder he had in his photos. He had spent too much time on his phone while he was here, scrolling through photos. He let himself look at Buck through his phone screen.
He always knew Buck was attractive but now he let himself actually acknowledge that and…damn. Buck was beautiful. His smile, his eyes.. His arms. His body felt hot and he couldn’t believe he didn’t see this sooner. He put his phone away this time after staring too long, again. He had to go. He was going to tell his parents about his sexual awakening before they left as well which didn’t help the anxiety that was coursing through his veins like an electrical current. He shakes his arms out as he puts the last bag in his truck. He was ready to leave this town behind, again. He got in his truck and headed to the house.
The conversation with his parents blurred in to shocked faces and disappointed eyes boring into his soul. He was sure he blacked out for a second the panic from the expected response hitting harder than he thought.
“That’s what you think is good for Christopher? Really Eddie?” was the last thing he heard ringing in his ear before his son burst into the living room.
“Stop! Stop making him feel bad for this, i’m proud of my dad. This is not a bad thing,” Chris muttered and that broke Eddie out of his trance and had him holding tears in his eyes as he stood from the couch he sat on.
“Let’s go, Mijo. It’s okay. They don’t understand… but they don’t have to,” he was saying that for himself not just for Chris, willing himself to believe the words.
Chris huffed and grabbed his backpack, Eddie already packed his stuff into the u-haul with his.
“I’ll let you say goodbye,” he says with a look at his parents before he walks out the door staring at the sky and letting the tears fall.
He knows he decided to tell them right before leaving for this reason. So he could escape. It still hurts. He can accept himself, but his parents can’t. Parents.. Who are supposed to love their children unconditionally.. Well his parents sure had conditions it seemed. Eddie stared out into nothing for what seemed like hours. He’s sure it wasn’t and soon he heard the door open and his son’s crutches hitting the ground as he headed towards him.
“Ready son?” Eddie asked.
Christopher nodded and Eddie gave one last glance to his parents, their faces stoic and a little sad but he couldn’t focus on their feelings. They both headed to the truck and climbed in, ready to leave this day and this house behind.
The road trip started silent, both of them okay with that after the chaotic start to the morning. The radio played quietly and Christopher stared out the window thoughtfully as Eddie drove. Chris broke the silence.
“It wasn’t supposed to be permanent,” he finally says.
Eddie had to bring himself down to earth as his thoughts had him carried away.
“What wasn’t?” he asked glancing over to his son, who’s eyes were still locked outside.
“When I was mad at you, and I came here… I didn’t want to stay forever. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I wanted to come home, I wanted you to come get me.” Chris looks down, like he’s ashamed of what he said.
Eddies chest aches, “Oh Chris… It’s okay. I hurt you and you needed space. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner and I’m sorry I assumed you wanted to stay in El Paso. I should’ve talked to you first.”
Which was true. This whole moving back and forth thing is because Eddie reacted, moving with his emotions without communication. He needs to work on that, he thinks. Chris nods and they go back to the silent drive they were on before this time sometimes singing along to songs or cracking small jokes. It felt like getting back to something Eddie missed in his bones.
They’re getting close and Eddie’s vibrating again. He’s close to his home, and not just the house… But that meant he had to have another emotional talk and this one… This one could end him if it didn’t go well. He’s not sure how he would handle it if he had read everything wrong. If Buck didn’t feel the same way. Eddie would still be grateful just to be around the sun again, of course, but he’s not sure how bright it would feel if he was wrong. He hoped he wasn’t. He hoped and wanted and wanted….
—————————————
The relief Eddie feels as they finally reach the driveway to the house he’d been aching for was unmatched. Christopher seemed to feel the same as he’d been up wide eyed and bouncing the closer they got. The only thing better? Pure sunshine standing in front of the door staring back at them with the brightest smile Eddies ever seen.
His heart damn near burts out of his chest at the sight. Buck must have been watching Eddie’s location so that he could see them pull up and that thought nearly took Eddie out completely. Okay, get it together Diaz, he thinks to himself as he forces air into his lungs. Chris is out of the door before Eddie can take a full inhale and Buck is matching his pace. They embrace and he can hear Bucks laugher as he climbs out of his truck.
“I missed you superman!” Buck exclaims.
Eddies cheeks hurt from the smile he has formed on his face.
“I missed you too, Buck.” Chris laughs as he pushes himself off and out of the hug.
Buck ruffles his hair then his eyes dart up and find Eddie’s. Eddie feels his heart rate pick up and he’s glad no one can hear it because it would give him away immediately. Buck heads toward him and they both have the biggest smile and when Buck reaches his arms out, Eddie doesn’t hesitate. He embraces his best friend, and if it’s a little tighter than usual sue him. The warmth that engulfs his body is immediate and he’s not sure how he survived the cold that took its place. He hoped he’d never have to again.
“I missed you too.” Buck says as they separate from the hug, Eddie missing the touch immediately.
Eddie nods shyly and just says, “we’re back.”
They both seem to exhale at the same time and don’t let go of the eye contact for, apparently too long because chris interrupts them. “Daaaad, come on.” They both laugh as they grab some things from the truck and head inside.
They don’t fully unpack right away but they do enough to earn them all some rest. They find themselves on the couch, Chris in the middle again where he belongs, and shoving their faces full of the pizza they ordered. It’s so normal and right that Eddie can’t help but feel overwhelmed by how much he wanted this when he didn’t have it and how much he never wanted this to change. He was set on keeping it forever if he could. He was sure as hell gonna try.
It was getting late and Christopher was clearly exhausted from the last few days, weeks maybe.
“You ready to lay down mijo?” Eddie said nudging his son who had his eyes half closed already.
Christopher grumbled a response that didn’t sound like words but nodded as he got up to head to his room.
Eddie got up to follow him and Buck said “goodnight Chris… i’m glad you’re back.” As he ran a hand through Chris’s hair before he got too far.
Chris stopped and looked down at Buck before responding. “Me too Buck… goodnight.”
Eddie’s heart had grown 3 sizes today, he was sure of it. Had he always been this much of a sap? He shakes his head with a light smile and follows Chris to his room.
“You didn’t change it,” Chris whispers as he climbs into his bed.
Eddie looked around and then looked back at his son.
“Of course I didn’t. I wanted it to be the same when you came back,” Eddie responded.
“But you packed some stuff to come stay,” his son retorts.
Eddie sighs nodding and sits next to Chris on the bed.
“I know. I did. I wanted to come to you but I still had hope you’d come home. We both did,” he says as he nods his head towards the door to the living room, to Buck.
Chris smiles, a tiny soft smile. “thank you, dad…” he says so softly it makes Eddie want to cry again.
“Anything for you, Christopher. Anything,” he says matter of factly while holding eye contact with his son.
Chris nods. “Then talk to Buck, dad,” he says with a mischievous smile.
There he is, Eddie thinks as his eyes water up again. He ruffles his hand through his son’s curls and says, “yeah yeah okay kid, get some sleep. Goodnight. I love you, kid.”
Christopher laughs at his own jokes and says, “I love you too dad. Goodnight.”
Eddie stands in the hallway breathing in and out. He’s so insanely happy that his son is here, and seems happy to be here with him.. Even after he messed up his son came back. And that allowed Eddie to come back too, to the person he never wanted to leave. He took a couple more deep breaths before he forced himself to move. He walked into the living room and couldn’t help the smile that formed when he saw Buck sitting on the couch watching the movie they left on when he took Chris to bed. He stood there watching him with a smile before Buck realized he was there and looked back up at him. “
What?” he said with a slight smirk.
Eddie laughed and looked down, he must’ve looked like a shy school girl he thought.
“Nothing.. uh, you want a beer? I could use one.” which wasn’t wrong.
He could use one for this. He had to tell Buck. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. Buck nodded but furrowed his brows just slightly. He could always read Eddie, almost too well. He was probably wondering what had Eddie stuttering around his words and blushing like a teenager. Eddie grabbed two beers from the fridge and headed back to the couch. He opened one and handed it to Buck as he sat down on the couch, the right couch, next to him. They cheers their beers then sit there in silence for a little longer. Eddie has to ready himself for this conversation. It could and would change everything.
“So…” he finally says. “I did a lot of thinking on the road when I was headed to El Paso. When I thought I had to move there..” He looks at Buck who tenses slightly before looking back at Eddie with his brow furrowed.
“Uh, oh,” Buck says trying to smirk slightly and break the tension like he always does.
Eddie appreciates it. It gives him the courage to continue, “When I was driving I felt empty. I wasn’t to Chris yet and I knew I needed to be, but there was something else. Something else was missing and it hurt damn near as bad. Something I had left behind here.” Eddie was rubbing his hands anxiously as he tried to get the words right. Buck stared looking so deeply into Eddie’s eyes it halted his heart again. “Uh, someone here… You Buck.” he spit out.
Buck’s furrow grew deeper as his eyes flashed with confusion and something else… He looked like he was pleading Eddie to continue before he spoke. So Eddie did.
“I.. I had to think about myself Buck, on this drive. I had to wonder why I had a panic attack at a rest stop on the way there when I thought about leaving my best friend because surely that’s not normal right?” He looked at Buck and saw sadness now in his eyes. Shit. He had to keep going.
“Buck… I spent so long wondering why I couldn’t make anything work. Why I felt broken and wrong when I tried to force happiness, family, to force… love.” He breathes heavily hands shaking and his eyes start darting around, panic rising in his chest.
He feels warmth spread as a hand lands on top of his. He looks back up and locks into those blue eyes that hold him steady. Buck gives the slightest nod encouraging Eddie to continue. How Buck always knew what Eddie needed was beyond him… But looking into those eyes he knew he could do this.
“Buck, I never had to force it with you. You were there and you never left. You’ve had my back. You’ve had Christopher’s back. You’ve never faltered in your support for me, even when it meant leaving you.” He felt tears coming from his eyes but he couldn’t bother to wipe them, he noticed Buck had tears falling too and his eyes had filled with something new.. hope maybe?
“I shoved pieces of myself down because of the guilt and pressure I was raised with. I’ve been picking those pieces apart and I think you’ve been helping too. I realized two things… Buck.. Evan… I love you. I’m in love with you and I think I have been for a while, I just didn’t fit the pieces together in my mind.”
Bucks eyes are wide, tears falling from them as he stares at Eddie searching his face. Buck stutters as he tries to speak “You uh.. You said.. two things?” he says, his voice shaky and quiet.
Eddie nods and a smile tugs at his lip “Yeah, the other thing being that i’m gay.” That seems to shock Buck more than the love confession which makes Eddie laugh a little.
“Really?” Buck asks.
Eddie hums and nods not speaking more as to let Buck process this new information. They sit in silence staring back at each other again.
“You love me? Are you sure?” Buck finally says, and the doubt in his eyes makes Eddie’s heart physically hurt like someone’s reached in and squeezed it with their bare hands.
He hated anyone who ever made the man in front of him doubt that he was lovable, wanted, needed.
“I do,” Eddie said, forcing it to come out confident so Buck couldn’t doubt it when he said it.
Buck still looked lost which let the doubt creep into his own mind so he started anxiously speaking before he could think
“Buck it’s okay if you don’t feel the same. Your friendship is too important to me, to us and I don’t want this to mess it up and I’m sorry if I made it uncomfortable or weird or..”
Bucks laughing cuts him out of his spiral that sounded more like his best friend than himself.
“Are you laughing at me?” Eddie asked feigning hurt but he couldn’t help the smile he was wearing too.
“No, no” buck chuckles as he’s speaking “it’s just… Eddie. Eddie.” He shakes his head. “How could you think I didn’t feel the same? Of course I do.” The tone shifted to serious so fast it made Eddie’s stomach turned.
Their locked eyes holding everything they felt between them. Blue and brown meeting in the middle like when the sky meets the ground on the horizon. Eddie lifts his hand hesitantly to Bucks cheek his eyes darting around Bucks face to take it all in. Buck leans into his hand as he holds it there and he sees Bucks eyes flutter at the touch. The warmth takes over his entire body just from this slight touch. He sees Bucks eyes dart to his lips and back up and Eddies heart skips a beat as he does the same, looking down at Bucks pout then back up at his eyes.
“Can I?…” he asks softly, pleading.
Buck nods “please” and with that they meet in the middle, a messy soft clash of lips that sets his body on fire.
It’s new but it feels so normal that he ridicules himself for ever doubting this is who he was and where he belonged. They moved with each other, chasing each other with their mouths before pulling apart and resting their foreheads on one another. They both start giggling like school girls as they look at each other again. Buck looks serious for a second again before speaking
“Eddie, I never thought you’d want me too. I was okay wanting you.. it was enough for me.”
“I will always choose and want you, okay Buck? I need you to hear me. To believe me when I say that. I love you.” Eddie is holding his face in his hands as he says this. Buck nods as a tear falls again, he’s not sure either of them stopped crying. They meet for another kiss, deeper than the last.
Eddies basked in sunlight right here on his couch, their couch. There’s so much to work on and look forward to but he’s never been more hopeful in his life. He has all he needs here in this house, this home.
“Come on, let’s go to bed,” he says as he stands up arm reached out to grab the hand of the person he’s never doubted a day in his life.
Everything is going to be okay, he thinks. This might be the first time he’s actually believed that.