Chapter Text
In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.
Megumi felt like he couldn’t breathe. The frigid air caught in his throat and failed to make it into his lungs. It was as if an invisible noose had wrapped itself around his neck and been pulled taut. His stomach was twisting and turning making him feel like he was about to throw up. He was practically a radiating ball of anxiety and he wasn’t sure how to handle this.
Green eyes stared down at him. Sharp and void of all emotions.
They were so familiar yet so foreign to him.
And it hurt.
The face belonging to those eerie eyes was familiar as well. A sharp jaw, thin angled brows, a chiseled nose. These were a collection of features Megumi grew to forget as the days passed, his memory washed away by the waves of time. Perhaps, in different circumstances he wouldn’t even do a double take. Yet something stood out to him.
The most recognizable, terribly unforgettable feature on this man’s face was the scar running down the corner of his mouth. The rough skin had faded to a pale color but it would never disappear. A ugly mark on a handsome face. Or so the people around him would say.
Only one person had a scar like that…
Fushiguro Toji.
Megumi was six years old when he last saw him. Six years he spent with his father, half of which his underdeveloped brain couldn’t even understand the reality of the world let alone remember their time together.
His memory held onto a blurred, shaky image of a man that he could barely recognize. The grabby hands of his younger self however, would never forget the feeling of a ravaged skin atop a smiling face.
A man of mystery, whose name carried with it shame and pain–
His father.
“Megumi,” The man suddenly spoke, his voice was scratchy and it pulled him out of his trance.
“Huh?”
“Let me in, kid.”
Megumi could only stare up at him, not being able to find the words to respond.
He wasn’t really sure what he should say or what he should do. Now that he was faced with the man that abandoned him all those years ago when he was just a child. A part of him wanted to start screaming and throw his arms out wildly, strike him hard and shove him out. And the other part of him wanted to embrace the man and sob into his chest.
“Listen. It’s really fucking cold and I’ve been walking for the past three hours. Can you spare your grievances for one fucking second and let me in,” Toji tried when he realized Megumi had zoned out again.
That word struck a nerve in Megumi.
“ Grievances ?”
Megumi couldn’t help but let out a strained laugh. He felt as if he was going crazy. He wished this was just a dream. Perhaps he’d become lucid from the back to back days of working tirelessly in an attempt to put a dent in his increasing expenses. He hoped this was all just a hallucination.
“Grievances? Is that what you’re going to call this?”
“Megumi…”
“Don’t,” He immediately snapped, “Don’t call me that.”
Toji scowled down at him. It was pathetic how small Megumi was in comparison to him, both in height and build, “I named you Megumi so how are you going to tell me I can’t fucking call you that?”
Megumi had to clench his hands against his side in an attempt to keep himself composed. He wasn’t strong, words broke him. Everything in him screamed at him to back down, but the decade of raging resentment kept him standing tall. He gave Toji his own nasty scowl.
“You’re not entitled to anything involving me. You lost the right to use my name when you decided to leave me twelve years ago.”
That seemed to douse the fire growing in Toji. His irritated face melted away, lips pursing into a thin line and eyes studying the younger one carefully.
The corner of Megumi’s mouth twitched upwards as he was beginning to lose himself, “So? You came all this way and expect me to open my door for you with wide arms. Should I have prepared a hot meal? A nice bath and some clothes for you too? It’s been years. Years. For twelve years I haven’t heard a single word from you. At one point I started assuming you died. Yet you’re here. So now what? What am I supposed to make of all this?.”
He was rambling. He’d completely lost whatever composure he had. Toji raised a brow at his senselessness.
“I knew it,” Megumi huffed, “This is all so pointless. I should’ve– I shouldn’t have–”
“What are you sayin–”
“What’s your plan coming here anyways? To leech off me for a night or two and disappear again? Is this a game to you? Is that what you think of me?”
Megumi’s eyes started to burn. They felt like they were being lit on fire in his skull and he wiped at them with his hand. He pulled back upon realizing his palm was wet. He gazed down at his trembling hands that were now shiny and damp.
Tears.
He was crying.
He knew he was working himself up more than necessary. And now that he’s thinking about manually filling up his lungs, he realized he couldn’t breathe. His chest spasmed with incomplete breaths. His throat had closed in on itself. He couldn’t see out of the tears in his eyes. He–
In a moment, Megumi’s knees buckle, no longer able to support his weight and he drops to the floor. He could only squeeze his eyes shut as the tears pushed over the dam of his lids and streamed down his blotchy cheeks.
Like a wounded animal he began to keen. Crying like a child; the child he truly was. Eighteen years old yet he was nothing but a tall child. He always thought he was grown, more mature than others his age. But in the face of his own past he was none of the things he believed he was.
Megumi unconsciously dug his nails into the soft skin of his arms, raising angry red welts and drawing beads of blood.
Meanwhile, Toji watched speechlessly as his son broke down right in front of his eyes. He had for a second expected Megumi to lash out on him, god knows the kid deserved to get a few punches in.
Toji grew up accustomed to violence. Punches, hurtful words, and weapons were the lessons he’d been taught in his childhood. Toji could effortlessly deal with a frail teenage boy swinging at him…
So then how was he meant to deal with all this ?
The tears, the drool, the snot.
He wasn’t sure how to act when someone cries, especially when the someone in question is his own son.
“Megumi, stop crying.”
His tone must have been too harsh as the boy flinched at his words alone. Megumi only sobbed louder, his balled up hands coming up to protect his face like Toji was going to strike him.
Toji grimaced at the scene in front of him and the horrible voice inside of him urged him to leave; to leave his child crying alone on the floor..
He couldn’t do it. He can never do this again. The trouble of dealing with a child, especially one with enough chains and balls of personal problems to rival a prisoner. He’d rather be deemed a bad person the rest of his life than be here. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to see Megumi, he looked too much like–
“So this is our blessing, Toji…I always knew you’d end up picking a wonderful name for our baby.”
Kazue.
Toji had been terrible in the past after the death of his beloved. He had abandoned the kid to go chase after money, power, and any new source of euphoria he could get his hands on. Some nights he’d lay awake and think of his son, think about how he handled the situation, or rather how he removed himself from the situation. He would wonder if Megumi was happy. If at least one of them had a chance at a normal life… And now it was apparent.
Megumi had been utterly fucked over, and it was no one’s fault but his own.
What would his wife think of all this?
The boy was crying louder now and it’d only be a matter of time before the neighbors woke up, that is if they hadn't already been startled awake by the shouting match between them earlier. And with the way things sounded anyone would think Megumi was being robbed or murdered. If the police were called he’d been in trouble, he couldn’t afford to be taken back into custody.
Perhaps his next actions were selfish, just him trying to save his own skin. He’d like to think what he did was out of concern for the boy’s wellbeing. Regardless, his next choice would completely alter the next few months of both their lives.
Toji scooped the boy up off the floor and into his arms. He slammed the door shut with his foot and leaned his back against it. He began to move his arms back and forth, a comforting motion he did when Megumi was no heavier than seven pounds and when the only pain he knew was the aching of his growing teeth.
Fushiguro Megumi blessed the world with his existence on a cold December day. Upon seeing those eyes open for the first time, Toji vowed to always protect his baby from all the horrors of the world that he himself faced growing up. Megumi would never know hate, fear, and suffering for as long as Toji could help it.
As the boy’s cries died down into nothing but small hiccups and sniffles, Toji made a gentle shushing sound, the action reminiscent of those days he had to soothe the little Megumi into a nap.
Megumi was older now, a legal adult by the law, but at this moment he had returned to the state of a baby suddenly too small for this big world.
“I’m here, Megumi. I’m here.”
Was he too late to try and keep his promise?
Kazue, please tell me what to do …Toji pleaded as he gripped Megumi tighter, How can I do one thing right with my life?
–
At some point the next morning Megumi opened his eyes for a brief second. He felt bleary, like his body had woken up far before his mind. He blinked hazily, imagining the figure of a man sitting on the floor across from him but he brushed it off, his eyes drooping once again and breath slowing into a steady rhythm. Sleep tugged at him and coaxed him back into unconsciousness with gentle touches. He couldn’t bring himself to care about the silhouette before him.
He didn’t care.
He didn’t care.
He didn’t care…
The next time Megumi came around he found himself curled up on the couch, his legs and arms pulled close to his body.
The sofa was uncomfortable, he could feel the springs poking at his exposed ribs through the thin cushions. There was an itchy knitted blanket draped over him, too full of holes to properly keep him warm. There was also a jacket bundled up under his head as a makeshift pillow. It smelled musky and woody with the faintest note of cigarette smoke. His nose twitched at the strong aroma but he didn’t pull away. It almost smelled familiar.
He had half a mind to shut his eyes again and drift back into a numb state until something caught his attention. The figure of a man which he thought was just a figment of his imagination was still there just outside on the porch. His shoulders were wide, tense and hunched over as he leaned against the rotting railing. He had inky black hair that fell flat against his head, dull and lifeless.
It pained Megumi that he was once again seeing the backside of his father rather than a face.
He wanted to ignore it. Toji, his job, his life, the world. Perhaps he could fall back asleep and refuse to get up ever again. He could die and rot on this couch, allow his flesh to melt into the cushions and leave the hollow shell of his bones to decompose over the length of a decade.
Surely the landlords would close this room off forever. WIth the scent of his decay lingering in the air and the dust of his skeleton embedded into the walls. It would be untouched. Forever his. The only thing in his life that belonged to him forevermore.
However, this time Megumi couldn’t sit back and ignore it.
He pushed himself up from the sofa, ignoring the way his knees popped and his back ached at the movement. Looking down he observed the large leather jacket with a beige colored fur trimming. It was nothing that he owned and he reasoned that it belonged to his father instead.
After waiting for the black spots that danced across his vision to fade away, Megumi stumbled over to the porch, his socks slipping against the wooden flooring. He quietly pushed open the sliding door to the porch and stepped out.
It was chilly, goosebumps erupting across his skin upon entry. He was wearing a scrawny pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt that he cut the collar out of and it did nothing to protect him against the decreasing temperatures of a Japanese winter. Megumi wrapped his arms around his body in an attempt to stay warm.
“Toji…”
“You’re awake,” The man observed, not turning to look at him.
“You’re still here?”
“Surprised?”
Megumi was expecting to hear mockery in his voice but there was none, in fact it was void of any emotion at all. He walked forward and stood by the man, leaning his arms onto the railing. It rattled slightly at the added weight but stood strong.
Deep down he wished it would’ve snapped and killed them both right there. Their bodies broken and mangled on the concrete right next to each other. A poetic ending to a deadbeat father and his abandoned son.
“I am.”
Toji hummed, “That makes me sad.”
“Sad?”
“That you expect me to leave you when you’re obviously not okay.”
“Did that stop you before?” Megumi snapped, turning his head to the side to give a glare.
Toji shut his jaw and didn’t answer him knowing damn well the boy was right. He lifted the cigarette that he was smoking to his mouth and inhaled deeply. He blew it out into the air and it twisted into transparent tendrils in the sky as it floated up and away. He let out a heavy sigh before flicking out his hand towards Megumi. An offering.
Megumi thoughtlessly grabbed it from him and took a hit, letting the nicotine swirl in his lungs until it was almost painful.
“You smoke?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
Megumi decided he no longer wanted to be holding the cigarette that the man had been touching just seconds ago. He pushed it back to the latter like it had burned him, his sudden indifference to it impossible to hide. It seems Toji didn’t want anything to do with it either as he smashed the butt against the railing and tossed it down to the ground. Megumi’s eyes followed the gray ashes as they scattered away with the wind.
“I’m sorry.”
Megumi switched his focus away from the fragments and blinked at Toji, caught off guard by his words.
I’m sorry…
What a fucking joke.
It’s the first time he’s heard those words, words he’d been praying his entire life to be able to hear one day. Words that he laid in bed and bawled over because they were so simple but so unattainable. But now that he finally got it… they seemed so empty. Pointless words with no intent. He didn’t feel a single bit of the relief he always imagined he would.
It pissed him off.
Megumi wanted Toji to admit to it. Admit to it all. Own up to his wrongdoings verbally. That he left him alone as a child, walking away from the wailing boy without turning back. That all these years passed by and he never once tried reaching out to him. That he had completely ruined Megumi’s life because he didn’t love him enough to stay. That he was here now after a decade, showing his face without shame despite it all.
“I’m sorry for everything… For leaving you when you were just a kid. I’m sorry for never reaching out to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect your mother. I’m sorry about what happened to Tsumiki and I’m sorry I didn’t come to her funeral. I’m sorry for being here right now even though you have every right to hate me.”
Toji sucked in a shaky breath. It was almost unbecoming of him.
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t the father you deserved.”
Megumi stared down blankly at the pavement below. He wanted to fling himself over the edge and allow his delicate body to shatter against the ground. Killing himself in front of his own father just a few hours after reuniting… A sick revenge that perhaps Megumi craved.
But revenge wouldn’t change anything. Revenge wouldn’t bring his mother and sister back to life. It wouldn’t change the fact his father was never around. It wouldn’t change the reality that he has never been happy and he may never know what it means to be happy.
“Would you do things differently?”
“What?”
“Look at me,” Megumi demanded.
Toji did as he was told, turning his head to look at Megumi. Green eyes met green eyes. A similar sharp curve and matching hooded lids.
“If you could go back to the day… The day before my birthday. Would you have stayed?”
For the first time, Megumi saw regret flooding the man’s eyes.
“Everyday,” Toji swore, “Every fucking day I curse myself for having done what I did. Every night I fall asleep hoping I’ll wake up back on that day. For a chance to change all… all of this. So yes . Yes. I’d do things differently in a heartbeat.”
It felt like a punch to the gut.
Was this not everything I’d been waiting for ? Megumi asked himself, Why don’t I feel the closure I thought I would?
Megumi's next words came out as a croak, “I hate you.”
“I know,” Toji whispered.
“I hate you so much,” He repeated, his hands gripping onto the railing as he tried to ground himself.
“I know, kid, I know.”