Archive of Our Own

“You good?” Juyeon pants, hot breath hitting the shell of Chanhee’s ear and causing the vocalist to weaken at the knees, almost face-planting onto the soiled towels covering the bed had Juyeon not hurried to catch him by the waist. “Shit, okay. I think I went too hard.”

“You think?” Chanhee breathes out, shaky. A laugh bubbles out of Juyeon, gently lifting Chanhee from the bed and towards the hotel room’s ensuite. “It’s okay, I just need a few moments to breathe. You did well.”

Juyeon meets his heady, blissed-out gaze via the bathroom sink’s mirror. They both look totally wrecked after that night’s ‘de-stressing’ session, and Chanhee wonders how he’s going to lie about the pain in his lower back for the next few days– but whereas Chanhee looks pleasantly fucked out of his mind, Juyeon has an unreadable look on his face.

Chanhee’s chest suddenly starts to hurt and he decides to look away.

“Stay here for a bit. I’ll just clean up the bed, okay?” Juyeon presses a quick kiss on Chanhee’s temple, leading him to the prepped bathtub with pleasant, warm water.

“Yeah.”

“Don’t drown.”

Chanhee rolls his eyes, shoo’ing Juyeon away already. The dancer huffs out an amused snort and leaves the bathroom, though he takes special care to leave the door wide open. Chanhee hears him shuffling around in the bedroom, and there's a deafening ringing in the vocalist’s ears as his emotions catch up to his mind.

He runs a hand over the bite marks Juyeon left all over his body, already feeling sad that as much as these were made in the throes of passion, Juyeon still had enough care to make sure he didn't bite hard enough to leave definite, lasting marks.

Chanhee lets the water soothe his sore muscles, face half-submerged in the soapy water to hide the tear tracks running down his cheeks. When he feels numb enough, Chanhee stands to drain the tub and use the shower to finally get clean.

“Careful!” Juyeon catches him as he stumbles, underestimating how tired his legs are. “Didn’t I tell you to stay in the tub?”

“You were taking too long!” Chanhee complains, resigned and lets Juyeon manhandle him gently in the shower stall.

“Yeah, sorry about that. Manager Hyuck sent me a notif that I’m going on a survival variety show.” Juyeon turns the water on and it cascades in an even, massaging rain on them. “I’ll be gone for a bit.”

“Back to the jungle?” Chanhee teases, ignoring how his chest tightens at the thought. “Where are they sending you off now? Antarctica?”

Juyeon shampoos both of them in silence. Chanhee lets his eyelids fall close as Juyeon’s skilled, large fingers massage his scalp soothingly– almost like an apology for how hard he’s pulled at Chanhee’s hair earlier. The vocalist hums in satisfaction, melting into Juyeon’s arms.

“You’re like a very big cat.” Juyeon tells him, starting to soap them both up.

“Says the bigger cat.” Chanhee mutters, then whimpers in pain when Juyeon moves his hands to clean the cum leaking from his sensitive ass.

Juyeon whispers an apology and hugs Chanhee tighter so they both don’t slip in the stall.

“I can feel you getting hard again.” Chanhee complains, realizing what’s been poking his stomach all this time.

“I can’t help it, Chanhee! You try staying soft after touching your soft skin.” Juyeon pulls away to break their embrace. Chanhee immediately starts to feel cold in the hot water, watching Juyeon leave the shower stall.

He bites back a sigh, wondering if this is always how it's going to be: Chanhee being left all by his lonesome after Juyeon's had his fun. Chanhee knows Juyeon isn't that heartless, hence the excessive aftercare right after fucking Chanhee into oblivion, but one day…

“Your knees are already bruising.”

“Huh?” Chanhee blinks dumbly, surprised when Juyeon pops back into the shower stall with him.

“Sit on the ledge.” Juyeon tells him, turning the water off. Chanhee complies, unsure of what's going to happen next, and watches Juyeon take the big, fluffy towel hanging on the hook to dry Chanhee first.

“The tiles are cold.”

Juyeon nods. “Just put up with it for a bit.” He then takes another towel to dry himself, wrapping the previous one around Chanhee’s shoulders. Chanhee then watches with confusion as Juyeon kneels in front of him, uncapping a small container.

“What’s that?” He asks.

“Anti-bruising something.” Juyeon answers without missing a beat, smearing the cold, mildly minty, white cream on Chanhee’s sore knees. “I asked my mom for it. I remember she used to rub this on my bruises when I came home from dance practices. Then, poof! The next day, there are no marks left.”

Oh. Chanhee gulps down the torrents of emotions in his throat, eyes glued on Juyeon’s absurdly big hand gently stroking the yellowing, green bruises on his skin.

“You didn't have to. I packed pants for the airport tomorrow.”

Juyeon looks up at him with a frown. “I’m not doing this just to get rid of the discoloration, Chanhee.” He closes the small container and stands to wrap a towel around his own waist, watching Chanhee closely for a moment before asking, “Do you want me to bring your skincare bag here? Or do you want to do it in the bedroom vanity?”

“I’ll just go there.” Chanhee shakily gets up, not liking how dry his throat is becoming.

“Alright.” Juyeon surprises him yet again as Chanhee feels hands on his waist to steady him. “Let’s brush our teeth first. Here, I already got your toothbrush.”

They went through their normal nightly routine, brushing side by side and Juyeon helping Chanhee into pajamas. The smell of sex in the bedroom is gone and replaced with a sleepy scent of lilac, courtesy of the portable humidifier Juyeon set up in a corner.

“You’re getting really good at cleaning up evidence.” Chanhee tells him, patting toner on his cheeks after Juyeon explains how he wet all the towels in the bathroom and threw shampoo on them to remove the cum.

“I know you won't be able to sleep otherwise.” Juyeon smiles, rubbing his own face with a serum.

Without makeup, Chanhee can clearly see the dark circles under Juyeon’s eyes and the faint smattering of freckles across his cheeks. He can't help his heart from doing cartwheels when he sees the fading hickey he left on the dancer’s jaw, thinking, Juyeon is really handsome.

He turns away, needing to stop looking. Juyeon isn't yours. Chanhee repeats to himself, rapidly blinking his burning eyes to avoid any tears from escaping and revealing his true thoughts.

“How much longer are you going to take?” Juyeon asks his back.

“You can go to sleep first.” They did perform at a concert earlier, so Juyeon must be exhausted. Chanhee was too, but his earlier exhaustion had been transformed into arousal and headiness the moment Juyeon grabbed his hand in the elevators then pushed Chanhee up against the door of their shared hotel room with a fiery kiss.

It's their running thing now. Chanhee doesn't know why Juyeon, instead of collapsing from fatigue like a normal person, gets so worked up after hours of performing or practice. But the first time it happened, they were riding home together and Chanhee noticed the tent in Juyeon’s sweatpants.

He thought he’d been only covertly staring, but Juyeon caught him and sent a text asking if he’d like a taste. Bold, but Chanhee chalked it up to Juyeon’s exhaustion. Somehow, Chanhee did sneak into his room after showering; and it developed into this.

A whole two years of them fucking around, and Chanhee never finding out.

Sometimes, Chanhee wants to ask if Juyeon just sees him as a convenient way to blow off steam. Chanhee is a man, so there's no need for birth control. He’s also in the same group, so Juyeon doesn't have to network out a safe hookup that can remain anonymous.

And deep down, Chanhee knows he is. Maybe he just isn't asking because hearing it from Juyeon’s honest, blunt self would destroy him.

“Aw, c’mon. Don't be like that, Chan-ah!” Juyeon says from the bed, tone light in contrast to the heaviness in Chanhee’s chest. “How am I going to sleep without my big kitty purring ASMR?”

“That sounds like a you problem, Juyeon.” Chanhee matches his tone half-heartedly.

“You saying that is making me think you won't miss me when I go away to film the show.” He can hear the pout in Juyeon’s tone. “It’ll be around two weeks, can you even handle that? You’ll miss me too much, right?”

And Chanhee knows Juyeon is just teasing him, but there's an invisible barbed wire cord tightening around his neck at the implication that he's so desperate, he won't even survive a fortnight alone. The spikes on the wire dig into his skin and Chanhee has to fight himself to swallow his cry of pain.

“You wish.” Chanhee mutters, shaking fingers zipping up his toiletries bag.

“I was joking.” Juyeon’s voice comes out softer this time. “Are you okay? You’ve been–”

“I’ll be back later.” Chanhee stands up, taking his phone from the vanity as well. He pulls a bathrobe over his pajamas, ignoring how Juyeon also jumps to his feet.

“Chanhee, listen–”

He gets waved away, Chanhee already by the door. “I’ll be at Changmin’s. You should rest now, Juyeon.”

Chanhee genuinely hopes his voice cracking while saying Juyeon’s name is entirely in his mind only. He quickly steps outside, making a beeline for Changmin and Sunwoo’s room at the other end of the corridor.

As he walks, Chanhee calls Changmin’s phone to notify him and open the door. His friend doesn't pick up, but Chanhee finds him already at the door and holding his still-vibrating phone as he waits for Chanhee.

“Thanks.” Chanhee sniffs.

“You poor thing.” Changmin sighs, pulling him inside the hotel room and into a hug. “Did he hurt you? What happened?”

Sunwoo’s getting off the phone calling for room service, and he quickly joins in their hug as well. “I ordered a bunch of snacks, hyung. They’ll deliver it up in a while. Do you wanna talk…?”

Chanhee shakes his head, pulling away to wipe the tears from his cheeks.

“I just needed to get away from him for a bit.”

“Bullshit.” Changmin deadpans. “If you really wanted to get away from Juyeon, you wouldn't have agreed to room with him again. You wouldn't have slept with him again. This is a toxic cycle, Chanhee! It’s clearly taking a toll on you now.”

“You really couldn't wait until we’re seated before dishing the truth, hyung?” Sunwoo sighs, pulling Chanhee’s arm so they can sit on the big, king-sized bed in the room. He gently wipes a tissue on Chanhee’s face to soak up the tears. “Hyung, your skincare is all ruined now.”

Chanhee snorts out a laugh. Sunwoo may appear unserious and playful to the public, but Chanhee knows he’s very gentle and sweet whenever his hyung starts crying. Changmin, on the other hand, plays bad cop and is always one candlewick away from jumping Juyeon whenever Chanhee comes to them crying.

“He probably told you about the new variety show, huh?” Sunwoo asks, pushing Chanhee’s hair away from his face. “Hyung, you need to cut your hair soon. Seriously!”

“How did you know about that?” Changmin settles beside them and gently puts a headband on Chanhee so his hair won't bother him.

“Eric is coming with him, so his Idol Radio schedule is going to be covered by Haknyeon-hyung for now.” Sunwoo shrugs, fixing Chanhee a soft look. “At least Juyeonie-hyung told you himself, right? Instead of you having to hear about him leaving from us or the managers?”

Changmin pinches Sunwoo’s side. “Whose side are you on? You sound like you’re defending him!”

“It's not like we can stop Chanhee-hyung’s feelings towards Juyeonie-hyung!” Sunwoo rolls his eyes. “He’s so stupidly in love, why else would Chanhee-hyung continue to fall over his own heart like this?”

“Don't say that.” Chanhee whispers, a wave of fresh tears making its way down again.

“Shit, sorry!” Sunwoo panics and wipes Chanhee’s cheeks with his hand. “Sorry, hyung. I forgot you don't like the l-word. I’m sorry, please stop crying!”

Changmin sighs and moves forward to wrap Chanhee in his arms. “Channie, you’re only hurting yourself at this point. Did you also tell him you’re coming back later? Don't do it, yeah? Stay and sleep here instead.”

“Yeah, hyung. The bed is big enough for all three of us.” Sunwoo nods, rubbing Chanhee’s back as the main vocalist sobs into Changmin’s chest. “Maybe you can think of this as the first step of moving on? And when Juyeon-hyung and Eric go away to film, you can use the time away to condition yourself to leave him.”

“I know Juyeonie is familiar to you now, Chanhee; and breaking away from the familiar is scary. But you have to do it for your own sake.” Changmin squeezes him. “You can do it, Channie. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

Sunwoo then grins. “Hey, you didn't bring your room card with you. How convenient! If Juyeonie-hyung asks why you didn't come back tonight, just say you forgot the card and–”

There's a knock on the door, interrupting Sunwoo. They all share a confused look, considering room service always calls beforehand to inform them if their food is on its way.

“Chanhee?”

“Shit.” Changmin freezes, then starts making vague gestures towards Sunwoo. Changmin puts a hand over Chanhee’s mouth, making the vocalist blink in confusion, and Sunwoo jumps down the bed to answer Juyeon at the door.

“Ah! Hey, Juyeon-hyung. What's up?” Sunwoo sounds natural, and Chanhee is itching to take a peek, but Changmin has him locked down on the bed. “Chanhee-hyung went out with Changmin-hyung for a walk.”

“What?” Juyeon sounds like he’s in disbelief. “It’s the middle of the night and they go for a stroll? Are they with a manager? It’s not safe to–”

“Hyung. Hyung.” Sunwoo cuts him off. “Chanhee-hyung is with Changmin-hyung. You know he’s in good hands, right? Changmin-hyung would slice someone's neck open if they hurt Chanhee-hyung.”

Sunwoo sounds like he’s just stating a simple fact, but Chanhee knows it's a thinly-veiled threat.

Juyeon is silent for a moment before a sigh is heard. “Chanhee might be mad at me. He left without his keycard and no slippers. I was worried…” Juyeon trails off and sighs again. “Can you give this to him when he comes back?”

Changmin’s arms tighten around Chanhee.

“Uh, sure. Bye, Juyeon-hyung. Good night!” Sunwoo sounds extremely cheerful as he slams the door shut. He walks back into Chanhee’s field of vision with the room keycard and chucks it on the nightstand. “Hyung, he looked wrecked.”

“Ew?” Changmin finally lets Chanhee go, only loosely holding him now.

“Not in that way, you pervert!” Sunwoo rolls his eyes, plopping back onto the bed. He fixes Chanhee with an unreadable look. “He looks like he’s been crying too, hyung. Maybe we’re looking at this the wrong way?”

“Sunwoo!”

The youngest frowns at Changmin’s indignation. “I’m serious! Have we ever stopped to consider that maybe Juyeon-hyung lo– likes you too, Chanhee-hyung? I’m not trying to give false hope or anything, but there has to be a reason why he also keeps doing… this. It takes two to tango, hyung.”

A bitter laugh bubbles out of Chanhee and his best friends share worried glances.

“Sunwoo, do you remember that one pair of jeans you kept wearing when we were trainees? The one with the ugly Mickey Mouse patch on the ass?” Chanhee asks, voice soft.

“I don't like where this is going.”

“I kept nagging you to throw it away because it was so hideous and Eric and Hyunjun always make fun of you when you wear it, right?” Chanhee sighs. “But you kept wearing them. Because it's convenient, as you said. It's always there and it’s comfy.”

There's silence before Sunwoo and Changmin start to gawk in disbelief.

“That's so stupid, the analogy isn't even comparable! What are you saying?”

“Don't compare yourself to a pair of fucking jeans, hyung!”

Changmin nods. “Sunwoo’s right! You’re human, Chanhee. Sleeping with someone isn't the same as wearing a piece of clothing. You sleep with someone knowing there’s a heart in there! God, don’t ever compare yourself to those ugly jeans.”

Chanhee shakes his head. His friends are still trying to berate and convince him that his perspective is shit, but Chanhee has long accepted it as his gospel truth. And that one day, Juyeon would discard him too, the way Sunwoo stopped wearing the ugly pants.

“I want to dig your brain out and clean it.” Changmin finally snaps, holding Chanhee’s cheeks. “I need to exorcise the demons in there so they can leave my best friend alone.”

“Eric bought a new pressure washer. Maybe we can use it.” Sunwoo suggests.

“Why the hell does Eric have a pressure washer?”

“Guys.” Chanhee sighs, finally smiling. “Thank you.”

Sunwoo pats his head as Changmin continues shaking him. “You don't have to thank us, Chanhee-hyung. But I really hope you don't view yourself as dispensable. Not to me or Changmin-hyung. Not to Juyeon-hyung too.”

They decide to stop talking about it after that, feasting on the array of snacks Sunwoo ordered earlier. Chanhee did fall asleep in their room, nestled comfortably and warmly in between his best friends.

In the morning, right as the sun comes up, Chanhee extracts himself from Sunwoo’s chest and removes Changmin’s leg around his waist. He takes his keycard from the nightstand and begins his walk to his own hotel room.

The glass walls of the corridor show a peaceful metropolitan center to Chanhee, and he briefly feels a sense of relief amidst his trepidation. He can stay there forever, just watching the slow movement of cars and early risers exercising below him.

He pulls himself away from the window and slides his keycard into the slot, pushing the door open as quietly as he can.

Juyeon is not on the bed.

Chanhee briefly thinks he probably also left for the other members’ rooms, but he then hears a soft pitter-patter of water and realizes Juyeon is already up and showering.

Relieved to have pushed their confrontation to another day, Chanhee quickly discards his robe and slips into his side of the bed. He closes his eyes, willing himself to go back to sleep and appear calm.

The bathroom door opens and Chanhee almost flinches, but he tries to stay still when Juyeon walks up to his side of the bed.

Though Chanhee’s eyes are closed, he knows Juyeon has knelt down so their faces are at the same level. Chanhee feels Juyeon's cold fingers trail slowly from the top of his cheekbones, ghosting over his bruised lips.

He can't help it. Chanhee flinches, eyebrows furrowing as he still keeps his eyes shut but burrows into the blankets so Juyeon has no choice but to remove his fingers.

“Chanhee…” Juyeon breathes his name out like a prayer. Under the thick blanket, Chanhee’s toes curl and his stomach drops like a heavy lead weight. “I hurt you, didn't I?”

Chanhee’s mind goes blank.

“That has to be the reason why you’ve been distant to me lately.” Juyeon continues, voice soft and tone defeated. “I bet you think I wouldn't notice, huh? But I do, Chanhee. And it's painful. I wish you’d talk to me.”

And then Chanhee hears him move away. He’s about to relax when he feels Juyeon hover close above him and press a lingering kiss on Chanhee’s forehead. Juyeon’s shirt fabric brushes against Chanhee’s jaw, tickling him amidst the heavy weight in his chest.

“I know you’re awake.” Juyeon whispers before pulling away. Chanhee freezes in surprise. “I’ve already packed up, Chanhee. I’ll stay in the lobby until it’s time to leave so you can have space. Don’t… don’t hate me, okay?”

Chanhee doesn't move until he hears the main door close. Only then did he open his eyes.

And he realizes he’s been silently crying all this time.

🍪

“I hate you. If I tried a white-blonde hair color, I’d look like a grandpa.” Sunwoo pouts, sitting on the chair beside Chanhee at the salon. The younger’s newly-dyed honey-brown hair is still air-drying and looking like sad tendrils on his head.

“Does it really look good?” Chanhee looks at his reflection, skeptical.

“You look like an angel, hyung! Or a ghost, actually. Come to think of it, you do look like a ghost.” Sunwoo then backs off, avoiding Chanhee’s arm lashing out to pinch him. “Ah, sorry! I'll take that back.”

After their last incident in the hotel room, Chanhee and Juyeon had both been too busy to really stay in one room with each for long. Chanhee was extremely thankful for that until Juyeon and Eric left to film the show and the depression hit him hard out of nowhere.

Changmin and Sunwoo dragged him and their Jacob-hyung out of their dorms for days on end, purposely trying to get Chanhee to cheer up and get over Juyeon.

Sunwoo apparently was going to book a private room at a club, but Jacob, after being informed of the situation, stopped him and sternly reminded Sunwoo that they really don't want another scandal. Also, that wouldn't have helped Chanhee since their vocalist had a history of just staying in his seat the whole night when they went clubbing before.

“You look so good!” Changmin gasps at Chanhee as his stylist takes him from the hair washing booth and back to the main room. “I want that hair color too.”

“Your hair is about to fall off, Q-ssi.” The stylist interrupts and makes the three idols laugh.

“Bald Q.” Sunwoo taps his chin. “I’d love to see The B edit that, actually.”

Chanhee notices his phone ringing and he picks it up. “Hey, Jacob-hyung! Yeah, we’re almost done here. Are you going to pick us up?”

“Yep! The meeting at the company is over. Um, there's a problem, though…” Jacob trails off. “Juyeonie and Eric are at the airport and due to the managers’ mix-up, I kind of volunteered to pick them up too.”

Chanhee’s breath must have audibly hitched, because Sunwoo and Changmin paused their bickering to look over worriedly.

“We can all fit in the car. I’m just… worried. But you two need to talk it out, Chanhee.” Jacob rushes to add. “If not for yourself, please do it for the group? Anyway, it doesn't have to be now. But maybe you can try staying in the same space as him gradually again? We can start–”

“It's okay, hyung.” Chanhee knows how stressed Jacob is lately, having taken over the temporary role of class president in lieu of Sangyeon enlisting. “We’re grown ups. Drive safely, okay?”

Jacob lets out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Chanhee. I truly wish you and Juyeonie would be on better terms soon. For your own heart’s sake too, little one. I’ll pick them up then call when I’m near you guys, okay?”

Chanhee puts the phone away and stares blankly at his reflection.

“Was that Cob-hyung?” Sunwoo asks, peering over at Chanhee’s stony expression.

“He’s swinging by the airport to get Juyeon and Eric before coming to pick us up.” Chanhee murmurs. “There’s some problem with the managers so Jacob-hyung has to do it.”

Changmin, who has been sat on the chair beside Sunwoo to also air-dry before styling his newly-pink pink hair, sighed. “I think the universe is trying to tell you something, Channie. Will you be okay?”

“Yeah.” Chanhee looks down at his hands, not liking how his reflection seemed to have been sneering at his lie. He tries to sound like he has more conviction, “It’s just a car ride. I’ve been living with these feelings for years. It’s nothing.”

Maybe if he keeps repeating it, Chanhee will believe his own lies.

Another thirty minutes pass and they have had their hair deep conditioned and styled just as Jacob parks in front of the salon. Sunwoo goes out first, getting into the car to tell Jacob that Chanhee and Changmin are just paying and will follow shortly.

“You’ll be okay.” Changmin squeezes Chanhee’s shoulder. “You look great, by the way!”

“Sunwoo said I look like a ghost.”

“Maybe if you smiled, you wouldn't look so dead.”

“Hey, guys! So sorry, there's a bit of a traffic jam at Incheon airport.” Jacob greets them when they near the car. Already, Chanhee can hear Eric loudly telling Sunwoo about the trip to the jungle in Indonesia from the back of the car. “Chanhee, you look amazing!”

Chanhee musters a wide smile at Jacob’s genuineness. “Thanks, hyung. Let’s go home, you must be tired after everything that happened today.”

“Juyeon’s in shotgun.” Jacob leans in for a hug to whisper to Chanhee.

Chanhee nods, letting Changmin sit behind Jacob as he takes his own seat behind Juyeon. Chanhee keeps his head down, nodding along to Eric’s endless retellings but not meeting anyone's eyes. He really wants to turn and see how the tropical sun changed Juyeon, but Chanhee knows he shouldn't.

He can't. He won't.

They park in the basement and pile into the elevator, but before the doors can close, Chanhee feels a hand wrap around his wrist and suddenly yank him out of the elevator. He crashes into a sturdy, solid chest that smells like familiar pine and cool woods.

“Chanhee –” Changmin’s surprised yelp is cut off by the elevator doors closing.

Chanhee looks up from where he crashed. Juyeon is looking down at him, long lashes casting shadows on his cheekbones. His black hair is longer and messier, begging Chanhee’s fingers to rake through them and pull. Juyeon’s skin is glowing and lightly bronzed and gleaming.

He looks like a dream– no, better than any dream Chanhee could ever wish to have.

“You look beautiful.” Juyeon tells him, voice warm. He runs his knuckles across the soft skin of Chanhee’s cheek, stealing the vocalist’s breath away. “Hi, Chanhee.”

“Thank you.” Chanhee tries to pull away, but Juyeon’s hold on his waist is secure.

“Can we talk? I can't… I can't go on like this anymore, Chanhee.” Juyeon gulps, his adam’s apple bobbing. Chanhee wants to bite it. “Please? I need to tell you something.”

And because Chanhee’s so in love, he can’t even say no.

“Okay.” He sighs, looking away from the hopeful smile Juyeon shines his way. The taller man drags him to the other waiting elevator, and Chanhee uses the opportunity to hug himself in the corner. He stares right ahead, ignoring the pityful gaze Juyeon is giving him.

“Your hair color suits you.”

“So does your tan.”

“Are we really doing it like this?”

Chanhee looks at him, surprised at the frustrated tone he’s never heard Juyeon use before. He sees the dancer’s clenched fists, balled into his sides. He sees the dark circles under Juyeon’s eyes.

“I’m sorry, I didn't mean to…” Juyeon trails off, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I haven't been sleeping well at all, after that night. God, this is making me seem pathetic but I really don't give a shit about that now.”

Chanhee stays silent, willing the tightness in his chest to disappear.

“Did I hurt you? When I… during that night. Did I go too far?” Juyeon asks,

“No.” Chanhee shakes his head. “No, you did nothing wrong.”

“Then why are you pulling away?”

“I’m…” not. Chanhee clears his throat. “I just… I just wanted it to end.”

“Why?”

Chanhee’s eyebrows furrow. The elevator stops on their dorms’ floor and the doors open, allowing signal to come through and cause Chanhee’s phone to vibrate like crazy with messages from Changmin and Sunwoo. Still, the two of them didn't move from the elevator.

“Why?” Chanhee echoes, finding it absurd. “Don't you want it to end? Maybe not now, but in the future, when you find a better partner. I’m just saving myself from the crash out that's going to happen if this arrangement continues, Juyeon.”

“What makes you think I ever want this to end?” Juyeon cries out in disbelief. Realization dawns on him and Chanhee looks away as the light in Juyeon’s eyes dim. “You think I’m just using you.”

The words hurt. Every syllable shoots an icy dart into Chanhee’s heart. Still, he nods.

“When did I ever…” Juyeon closes his eyes. Chanhee peeks at him amidst his openly-wounded chest, curious. “Chanhee, when did I ever let you feel that I’m just using you?”

“You never leave evidence.”

A cruel laugh bubbles out of Juyeon, flabbergasted.

“Everything is wiped clean and the next day, it's like nothing happened.” Chanhee finds it in himself to continue. “And we go back to becoming strangers until your next itch hits and the cycle repeats. I feel…. I feel loved one night and abandoned the next day.

“And I would let that happen, Juyeon.” Chanhee feels his tears burn at his waterline. He tries to blink them away. “Do you know how cruel that is? I’ve been making myself suffer by becoming your plaything–”

“You were never my plaything, Chanhee!” Juyeon grabs him by the shoulders. The action is rough but his hold is gentle and Chanhee wants to melt. Juyeon’s eyes are glassy with tears too. “Fuck, this is my fault. I never wanted you to feel like I was just using you.”

The elevator dings in reminder that they’re still there, and Chanhee lets himself be led out of it by Juyeon.

Juyeon makes a beeline for his dorm, ignoring Kevin and Jacob’s concerned hey, where are you two going and what’s going on in favor of getting Chanhee into a private space again.

“Chanhee,” Juyeon breathes out, hands coming up to cup the vocalist’s jaw tenderly. Chanhee feels like a precious jewel in his hands. “I wipe out evidence because I don't want you to get hurt. I know what we’re doing isn't widely accepted yet. We’re both in promising careers but I would trade all of mine just so you can keep yours.”

There's a heavy lump in Chanhee’s throat at the admission.

“You have no idea how much I want to let go.” Juyeon’s voice is shaky as he breathes out, thumb tracing the smooth curve of Chanhee’s neck. “How much I want to bite and suck and leave lasting marks on you. I want to wake up next to you and see proof that the night wasn't another dream. But I know that by doing so, I could be putting both of us in danger.”

Oh. Chanhee can't look up.

“Look at me, baby.” Juyeon pleads. “Please?”

“Why?” Chanhee’s voice shakes. “Why are you doing this?”

“I love you. I don't use that word often because it's special to me, and you know that.” The hand on Chanhee’s shoulder tightens its grip. “But you need to hear me. I need to make sure you hear it. Because it's true, and it's only for you, Chanhee. I love–”

Chanhee tugs him down with a pale hand on the back of Juyeon’s neck and their lips brush. Juyeon makes a muffled noise of surprise before a pleased sigh escapes him and he relaxes, letting Chanhee push him back onto the bed in the middle of the room.

The back of Juyeon’s legs hit the foot of the bed and he falls back, grunting as his body bounces on the soft mattress. Chanhee shucks his own jacket off, discarding it on the floor, and climbs over Juyeon to reclaim his lips in a frenzied state.

“Chanhee.” Juyeon groans as the vocalist makes quick work of the buttons on his shirt. “We were having a conversation.”

“I heard what I needed.” Chanhee whispers, mouthing the words in an open kiss as he trails them along Juyeon’s jaw. “And I missed you, Juyeon.”

“I missed you too.” Juyeon pulls back, resting on his forearm as his other hand tenderly brushes his thumb on Chanhee’s cheek. “Even though you’re always somehow in my dreams, night after night… I still wake up missing you. It might be an addiction at this point.”

Chanhee laughs.

“My angel.” Juyeon murmurs, pressing a chaste kiss on Chanhee’s forehead.

“Give me a moment.” Chanhee realizes his phone is still pinging with messages from his friends. He sits back on Juyeon’s lap as he opens his messaging app, skimming through the panicked messages.

Juyeon doesn't even try to read his screen, too focused on absorbing the sight of Chanhee on his lap with a new hair color.

Chanhee sends a quick text to their Kyeopmuda groupchat to say that they’re okay and he will tell them the details later. Sunwoo is fast to reply with an eggplant emoji and Changmin quickly follows up with a puking face emoji.

“What’s got you smiling that nicely?” Juyeon asks, tracing Chanhee’s lips with his fingers.

“You like me?” Chanhee responds, kissing the fingertips still on his lips.

Juyeon nods. “Love. But I can work with like if you want.”

“Show me?” Chanhee rests a palm on Juyeon’s bare chest, right on his heart; and his other hand comes up to hold Juyeon's hand on his jaw. He smiles at Juyeon, a vulnerable, soft expression. “Show me how true that is, Juyeon.”

“Gladly.” Juyeon flips them over, making Chanhee yelp in surprise first then erupt in giggles as Juyeon complains about his jeans. Clothes are taken off quickly and Juyeon sits back for a moment to admire the sight of Chanhee on his bed, hair splayed out like a halo.

“What’s up?” Chanhee asks, heart hammering at the attention.

Juyeon shakes his head. “I just remembered this is the first time I’ll have you on my bed. We’re always in hotel rooms… it does seem like I’m hiding you if I look at it that way. I’m sorry.”

“I can live in the shadows with you forever.” Chanhee surprises both of them by saying. “As long as I know you’re mine. I think that’s what really hurt me before.”

“I’m yours.” Juyeon promises, heartfelt as he runs open-mouthed, wet kisses along Chanhee’s clavicle. He briefly peeks from under his lashes, making eye contact with the vocalist before sinking his teeth into the moon-colored skin and worrying the skin.

Satisfied with himself, Juyeon places a kiss on the newly-formed hickey. He takes a pillow and places it under Chanhee’s hips, locking their lips together again as his hand rummages through the nearby nightstand for lube.

“I want,” Chanhee pants, holding onto Juyeon’s wrist. “I want to give you one too. A hickey.”

Juyeon groans in reply, heady. He nods, and Chanhee latches quickly on the skin above his heart. He bruises the skin fast, working his teeth harshly on the golden surface until a dark bloom is visible.

“Like it?” Chanhee asks coyly. He runs his hands along Juyeon's arms that are shaking with the effort of holding himself up to avoid crushing Chanhee.

“Fuck.” Juyeon whimpers as Chanhee’s plush lips work on another spot. Chanhee beams against his skin, but before he can leave a third mark, Juyeon switches their positions.

“Juyeon?” Chanhee squeaks as he’s now on top, straddling the dancer’s hips.

“I love this, and I love you. But I’m really impatient right now and your bites are just making it harder for me.” Juyeon shakily breathes out. He leans forward to kiss Chanhee. “Can I fuck you? No, not fuck. Let me make love to you, Chanhee. Will you let me?”

Chanhee melts, nodding. The wires squeezing his chest for weeks had loosened significantly. “Please.”

Juyeon’s room isn't as soundproof as hotel rooms are, so Chanhee’s cries are muffled by Juyeon’s gentle kisses as they move together. Emotions amplified the feeling of being connected and Chanhee’s eyes roll back as he reaches his first orgasm of the night, Juyeon still slowly but surely moving his hips above him.

“I love you too.” Chanhee murmurs, looking at Juyeon’s eyes as he quickens his pace.

“I’ll show you, even out of bed.” Juyeon promises, kissing a blissful tear that escaped from Chanhee’s eyes. “God, you’ll never ever have to question your worth to me again, Chanhee. I’m yours as long as you’ll have me.”

“Promise?” Chanhee whispers.

“I promise.”

They cleaned up in Juyeon’s ensuite, taking a bit too long because Juyeon got distracted by the constellation of love bites he left on Chanhee’s skin and just had to leave more and go again. He changed the sheets on his bed as Chanhee changed the pillow cases and turned the humidifier on.

“I love you.” Juyeon sighs, kissing Chanhee’s shoulder as they snuggle together under the blankets.

“I love you too.” Chanhee holds Juyeon’s hand to his lips. There's still a lot to work out on with their confirmed relationship, but Chanhee figures he can save that for tomorrow.

For now, he’s secure. For tonight, Chanhee is finally Juyeon's, and Juyeon is Chanhee’s.