Chapter Text
She had haunted him while they’d been apart. In his dreams she was there, running to him. He would wake still feeling her body against him. Sometimes he would smell her scent for just a fleeting moment. His heart would pound as he searched all the strange faces around him, looking and never finding her.
Yet there was something he saw more than anything else, that would appear in his mind’s eye on a constant loop. It was her face, held in his hands, asking him to be with her, to run away with her, to love her. He would remember that vulnerability, the hope in her eyes as she had asked for something she’d never asked anyone for. She had trusted in him and the promises he’d made her to always be with her, to help her fight her darkness. He had turned his back on this, on the fragile offering she was giving. He had broke his promises, leaving her alone with her torment, too frightened by his own weakness. He didn’t even have the courage to look her in the eye and tell her he planned on walking to his grave instead of alongside her.
He had thought that was the right thing to do. The guilt of leaving her, of hurting her, it paled in comparison to the guilt he felt for all the death and pain he’d caused. The sight of Sembene’s blood on his hands confirmed what he had always known, that he was a monster who would destroy everyone around him. His death was the only thing that would stop this. He didn’t deserve her love. How could he lay in the arms of this beautiful marvel of a woman knowing what he was, what he had done, what he was capable of.
The absolution of death never happened and he was left to face what he had done, not just the deaths and destruction, but the knowledge of the pain he’d caused to the woman he loved. Through his act of self punishment he had destroyed the hope that he had fostered within her. He had abandoned the only good thing in his life.
He was sick with anxious anticipation on the trip back to England. He knew now what his purpose was, he knew what his curse was meant to be used for. He was meant to keep those promises, to protect her, to find and destroy the demons that wanted her, would always want her. He had to return to her, to serve this purpose, but he knew that because of the deep, crushing pain he’d caused her that he would only be a tool in this and nothing more. Still, amidst this sense of loss and guilt, there was bursts of searing joy at the thought of seeing her again.
Even though in his dreams she was running to him, filled with love and joy and relief, he knew that was not the Vanessa that would be waiting for him. He knew that despite what he had done she was still fighting, that her iron will had been pushing her through, that she was surviving at the expense of the toll it was taking on her physically and emotionally. But he was not going to encounter the woman he had left. Once hurt, Vanessa had always closed in, erected her cold impassable armour around herself for protection. Despite this knowledge he was not prepared for the utterly emotionless Vanessa that he saw when he’d finally stepped back into Grandage Place.
He stood frozen at the entry of the parlour, desperately taking in the sight of her, so real after the months of the phantom that had danced around him. When their eyes met he saw the consequences of what he had done. There was no love there anymore, no openness, no vulnerability. He had destroyed that, like he had destroyed so many precious fragile things.
“Mr. Talbot, I presume.”
Her tone was not venomous nor tearful. It was utterly without any emotion. The emptiness of it ran through him like ice. No words came to his lips. There was nothing he could do or say. He deserved this.
When he would return to the house he never saw her nor sensed her presence. He didn’t know if it was her or Sir Malcolm who was facilitating this distance. None of his conversations or work that he did with him would require her presence, and Sir Malcolm mentioned her only in impersonal ways. Ethan saw that despite the kindness the older man still felt towards him that his need to protect Vanessa from hurt was stronger. He needed Ethan to help fight the dark forces around her but that was all Ethan was to be allowed.
Knowing she was so close and not seeing her was infinitely more painful then when he’d been thousands of miles from her. His heightened senses would pull in her unique intoxicating scent and the beast in him would surge with want. Every part of his body was begging for her, screaming for her. He had experienced many moments in the past where his love for her overwhelmed him, from the early days when would watch her, fascinated, to his dark nights in America thinking of her so far from him. These all paled to how it felt to be in this place again and not see her. He was crippled by his love for her, crippled with the mix of it with the sharp pain of what he’d done to her. This was his punishment, this devouring agony. He deserved this.
What could he offer her to make up for he had done? There was nothing he could do that would make amends, that was true, but he did owe her something. He owed her an apology for abandoning her, even though he knew it wouldn’t penetrate the hard shell she wrapped herself in. More than that, he owed her the ability to tell him how what he had done had hurt her. She deserved the right to punish him the way he’d punished her.
He came to the house one evening when he was not expected. Sir Malcolm opened the door, and with a furtive glance over his shoulder asked Ethan what he wanted. When he replied, the older man took a deep breath in. Ethan could see the thoughts moving over his face, his need to protect Vanessa. Sir Malcolm knew that the bond between Ethan and her had been something that had strengthened her, allowed her to glimpse happiness. He knew without being told why Ethan had done what he had done, and knew what he was going to try and do now. He stood aside and let him enter.
When they got to Vanessa’s bedroom, Sir Malcolm went in first alone. Standing in the hallway, waiting to see if he would even get the chance to do this, his heart was pounding, fear mixing with the pure electric joy at actually having her there in front of him. Please God, he begged, just let me look at her.
After a long silence the door opened and Sir Malcolm nodded at him, leaving them alone. He looked in the room to see her sitting at her desk writing. When he entered she did not acknowledge his presence.
Ethan held what he had brought back for her, fidgeting with it in nervous hands. It felt presumptuous now, the idea of him giving her a gift. He gathering up the courage to walk towards her. He went slowly, his head down, placing the item on the desk then retreating back.
“I, I brought...”
Emotions and nerves choked him. He stopped and tried to take a deep breath to steady himself, intimidated by the cold, unresponsive woman in front of him.
“This is my mother’s prayer book. She would, every night, she would pray with it. I would like- I thought that you could have it.”
Vanessa did not stop writing while he spoke and continued after he was finished, not acknowledging the small white leather bound book on the desk next to her. Without lifting her eyes or pen from the paper in front of her, she responded.
“I do not require nor want anything from you, Mr. Talbot.” Her voice had a total lack of passion like he had never witnessed from her before.
“Please don’t call me that.”
Still she wrote, not looking at him.
“That is your name, is it not?”
He had nothing to respond to this with. It was his name. That was who he really was. He had hid so much from her, had lied and broken promises. This was what he deserved, to have his vulnerability crushed. Yet still he yearned for acknowledgement. It was selfish of him, he knew that. But in this room where they had had so many moments together, he was deluged with his love for her, and out of desperation he tried to get some kind of response from her.
“If you don’t want it then throw it away.” He spoke firmly, daring her to respond.
She broke off her writing then, the grip on her pen so tight that her knuckles went white. He heard her take in a sharp breath and knew that he had her attention, finally.
“Vanessa-”
“Do not presume to be so familiar with me, sir.” She snapped, finally looking up at him. “You have no right to any level of intimacy.”
Her eyes were hard, filled with rage, her mouth a sharp line. He had seen this expression before. It was her battle face. She believed that she was facing a dangerous foe, one who intended to harm her. Seeing her looking at him like this made him shudder with shame.
“You’re right, I’m sorry.”
“You dare to presume that there is anything that you have to give me that I would want? You believe you have the right to enter my room? To speak to me?” As she stood, Ethan could see that she was trembling with rage.
“I don’t have any right, not anymore. I know that.” He deferred to her anger, speaking in an apologetic tone. “I know that I broke my promises, but I thought I was doing what was right. I thought that I didn’t deserve what we had together.”
“And yet here you are, hat in hand, presenting me with trinkets, like a pathetic pantomime of courtship. If it is your wish to insult me further then you have achieved it.”
“That is not my wish.” He took a calming breath. “I know that I have no right to ask forgiveness for what I did. I just wanted you to know… it was… it was hardest thing I have ever done. Leaving you and turning away from how I felt for you. It was like tearing my heart out of my chest. But I couldn’t allow myself happiness or love when I had done the things that I had done.”
He watched as pain blossomed across her face, like his words had been a physical blow.
“And what of my happiness? You made me believe that I wasn’t alone, that I had an ally in my struggles. That I had a protector. That I had someone who I could trust.” Her breath was rapid, her hands shaking. “I thought that when I finally saw your beastly form that I had seen all that you really were. But I hadn’t. This person you presented yourself as, this Ethan Chandler character, it was an illusion from the start. You were always performing, always playing a role. Now I see you as you truly are. You, Mr. Talbot, are a coward and a selfish liar.”
The words were acidic, burning into his heart as she spat them at him. Heavy with his own remorse he could meet her gaze no longer.
“It would have been kinder of you to have never said any of those things to me.” Her voice was ragged now, like she was burning her own throat with the venom of her rage. “Luring me in with false promises, making me believe that you would always be with me, this was an act more cruel than anything any dark force has committed against me.”
These words crushed him. He had carried the knowledge of what he had done for months now, but hearing it from her, seeing just how horrible it was, the realization made his shame increase a thousandfold. There was nothing he could do, he saw that now. He felt crippled with guilt but knew that letting her see how much pain he was in would be further insult to her.
“I’m-I’m going to go.”
“Leaving does seem to be the only thing that you can be relied upon to do.” She picked up the book and carelessly tossed it at his feet. “I don’t want your tokens.”
A tense silence fell then as Ethan looked down at the book. They were both still, frozen in the heat of battle. Ethan studied the small, gilded edged book and spoke without any forethought, as a man who has come to the end of something. Nothing he did or said would change anything now, so he spoke a truth to her.
“When I was a child watching my mother pray, holding this book in her hands, her head bowed, I thought that she was an angel, an actual angel. She was pure light and strength, and this book was her totem, the sword that she wielded against any darkness that would threaten. When I saw it again I realized that this is how you look when you’re praying. Like strength and purity. Like an angel.” He bent down and picked the book up then looked at the angry, hurt face of the woman he loved. “You’re right. It was selfish and cowardly and cruel of me to leave you when and how I did. I know that now. And I know that nothing will ever undo that, or make the pain I caused you go away. Knowing what I did to you, the woman I loved, it will be something that haunts me and will haunt me forever. I am sorry beyond words that I caused you so much pain. All I can do now is fulfill my destiny, to protect you from the demons that want you. But that doesn’t give me any right to intrude upon your life. You won’t have to see me unless it’s necessary, and even then, only if you want to.”
He had no more words then. He had said everything. He had no right to ask anything more from her. He would leave her now, and never presume to approach her again. He was at the door when she spoke.
“Did you?” Her voice was faint, broken. He knew what she asking. He dared not face her again, rather turning his head to answer, his eyes down.
“Love you?”
“Yes.” It was barely above a whisper. He had never told her, never said the words to her.
“I did. I do.” His voice was strained with emotion and finally he let himself look at her. “I always will.”
Tears were streaming down her face but she said nothing. The anger had been overpowered by the pain and he saw a glimpse of something in this moment. Her eyes were searching his face, taking in the sight of him with that same desperate need that he felt even now looking at her real and in the flesh in front of him.
But this sliver of a crack in her armour was gone almost as quickly as it had appeared. Her shoulders squared and her face was washed of any emotion even as the tears were still wet on her cheeks. She sat back down, picked up her pen and began to write again. When she spoke it was formal, distant.
“Good day, Mr. Talbot.”
He left then, closing the door behind him. He felt all strength leave him, leaned against it to keep himself upright. He had to believe that there was even the smallest hope that she might still have feelings for him, maybe even love him. Without that tiny glimmer, he would be truly doomed in a way he never was before.
“Please, give me another chance.” He whispered, eyes wet as he looked heavenward.