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Parrot had always known he had questionable taste in partners.
But this? This was something else entirely.
“Both of you,” Parrot sighed, rubbing his temples as Derap and Wifies once again started bickering over something utterly ridiculous. “I love you both equally, can you stop trying to kill each other for five minutes?”
“No,” Wifies said flatly.
“Absolutely not,” Derapchu added.
Parrot exhaled sharply. “Great. Wonderful. I love that for me.”
It was like this every day.
Parrot, for some reason beyond mortal comprehension, had somehow ended up dating both of them. And that wouldn’t have been too much of an issue if Wifies and Derap weren’t so damn competitive about everything.
Who sat next to Parrot at dinner?
Fight.
Who got to hold Parrot’s hand first?
Fight.
Who got to pick the movie they watched together?
Full-blown war.
And now, apparently, they were fighting about windows.
Parrot didn’t even know how they got to that point, but Wifies looked about five seconds away from murder, and Derapchu, utterly unbothered, just smirked.
“Which window?” Derap asked, tilting his head slightly. “The one in the living room? Or the one in your room?”
Wifies twitched. “Out of the damn city, Derap.”
Parrot groaned. “Why are we talking about windows?”
Derap shrugged. “Because Wifies is being dramatic.”
“I’m being dramatic? You climbed through my window like some feral stray cat!”
Derap smirked. “Parrot let me in.”
Parrot groaned. “I told you to use the door.”
“That’s boring.”
“You’re boring.” Wifies rolled his eyes.
“You’re obsessed with me,” Derap countered, grinning.
Wifies looked to the ceiling like he was praying for patience. “Parrot, your other boyfriend is unbelievable.”
Parrot, who had been dealing with their antics for months, sighed. “I know.”
The worst part?
It wasn’t just arguing.
Sure, they fought all the time, but they were also insufferably affectionate when they wanted to be.
Like now, for example.
One second, they were trying to murder each other, and the next, Wifies was pulling Parrot into his lap like he hadn’t just been raging at Derap five seconds ago.
“Don’t talk to him,” Wifies muttered, resting his chin on Parrot’s shoulder.
Parrot snorted. “We’re dating, Wi.”
Wifies scowled. “That’s irrelevant.”
Derapchu, not to be outdone, sat next to them, slinging an arm over Parrot’s shoulders. “Aw, come on, Wifies. Can’t handle a little competition?”
“This isn’t a competition—”
Derap smirked. “Then why are you so mad about it?”
Parrot, trapped between them, groaned. “I swear to God, if you two don’t chill—”
Wifies and Derap both immediately turned to Parrot, speaking at the same time.
“We’re calm.”
Parrot stared. “No, you’re not.”
Derap chuckled. “I think what you meant to say is that we’re passionate.”
“Passionate about annoying me to death,” Parrot grumbled.
Wifies hummed. “Aw, but you love us.”
Parrot sighed. “Yeah. Unfortunately.”
Wifies and Derap shared a triumphant glance.
And Parrot, caught between his very stupid boyfriends, just accepted his fate.
It wasn’t just that Wifies and Derap were constantly at each other’s throats. No, that would’ve been too simple. It was the way they switched from mortal enemies to hopelessly lovesick in the span of five seconds.
Like now.
One second, Wifies was glaring daggers at Derap for something (Parrot had stopped keeping track), and the next—
“Oh, hell no,” Wifies muttered, shoving Derap back as he tried to steal his spot next to Parrot.
Derap stumbled slightly before catching himself, smirking. “Aw, jealous?”
Parrot, already regretting his entire existence, rubbed his temples. “Guys.”
“No, because why is he breathing my air?” Wifies asked, completely ignoring him.
Derap let out a dramatic gasp, placing a hand over his heart. “Parrot, he’s being mean to me.”
Parrot stared at him. “You literally started this.”
Derap shrugged. “Semantics.”
Wifies rolled his eyes. “Parrot, I should be the one sitting next to you.”
“I— what?”
“He sits next to you all the time.”
“Because I live here,” Derap pointed out.
“And I don’t?”
Derap smirked. “You practically live here, but not technically.”
Parrot groaned. “Oh my God, shut up. Both of you.”
They both turned to him immediately, pouting like children.
“But, Parrot—”
“No.”
“But—”
“I love you both equally,” Parrot interrupted before they could really get started. “Can you, for the love of everything, stop fighting for five minutes?”
Silence.
Wifies and Derap shared a glance.
Then—
“I bet I love you more than he does.”
Parrot instantly regretted everything.
“Excuse me?” Wifies turned to Derap, expression murderous.
Derap smirked. “You heard me.”
Parrot, sensing impending doom, immediately got up. “Nope. I’m not doing this. Not today.”
Too late.
Because now they were locked in a full-blown argument over who loved him more, and Parrot was just—
He sighed, dragging a hand down his face.
He could leave.
He should leave.
But—
He glanced back at them, still yelling at each other over something stupid, but—
They cared.
As obnoxious as they were, they cared.
Parrot huffed out a small laugh, shaking his head.
Maybe his life would never be peaceful, but at least it wouldn’t be boring.
"You're insane if you think you love him more than I do," Wifies scoffed, crossing his arms.
Derap leaned in, a smirk tugging at his lips. "Oh yeah? Say it then."
Wifies' eye twitched. "Say what?"
Derap wiggled his eyebrows. "Say you love him."
Wifies' expression darkened. "I literally just said—"
"No, no, say it directly to him."
Parrot, who had been very patiently waiting for the chaos to end, perked up in surprise. "Me?"
Derap grinned. "Yeah, him."
Wifies narrowed his eyes. "You say it first."
Derap gasped dramatically. "Coward."
"Say it."
"No, you say it."
Parrot sighed. "Oh my God, you two are impossible."
The tension snapped.
In a flash, Wifies grabbed the front of Derap’s shirt and yanked him in, crashing their lips together in an aggressively competitive kiss.
Parrot choked on air. "HELLO?!"
They pulled away just as fast, glaring at each other like they hadn’t just done that, breaths uneven, chests rising and falling.
Then, simultaneously, they turned on him.
Parrot barely had a second to process before both of them surged forward, lips crashing against his from opposite sides, trapping him in a kiss that was—
What the hell.
His brain short-circuited.
There was no way this was happening.
By the time they finally pulled back, Parrot was blinking in complete shock, heart hammering in his chest.
Derap, ever smug, tilted his head. “That prove it?”
Wifies huffed. “Yeah. I won, though.”
"You—What—NO—"
And just like that, they were back to arguing.
Parrot, still very much recovering from the absolute mental breakdown they had just given him, buried his face in his hands.
Parrot sat there, dazed, as Wifies and Derap immediately launched back into arguing like nothing had just happened.
“You won? How the hell do you figure that?” Derap scoffed, gesturing wildly.
Wifies folded his arms. “Obviously, I kissed Parrot longer.”
Derap’s jaw dropped. “Excuse me—are you keeping a timer?!”
“I don’t need a timer,” Wifies shot back, “I have common sense.”
“Common sense? You?”
Parrot, still reeling, groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Guys—”
But Wifies and Derap were far too gone at this point.
Derap took a step forward. “Okay, okay, let’s logically break this down—”
“Oh, please,” Wifies interrupted. “Your idea of logic is ‘jump out a window and hope for the best.’”
Derap grinned. “And yet, I still win more fights than you.”
“You literally don’t—”
Parrot let out a long-suffering sigh. “Oh my God. Do you two ever stop?”
Wifies and Derap finally paused, both turning to look at him.
Parrot gave them a deadpan stare. “I just got ambushed with a double-kiss and you’re sitting here fighting about it?”
Wifies blinked. “I mean. Yeah?”
Derap shrugged. “Sounds like a you problem.”
Parrot dragged a hand down his face. “I hate you both.”
Derap smirked. “No, you love us both.”
Wifies crossed his arms. “Yeah, you literally just said it earlier.”
Parrot groaned dramatically. “Oh my God. Why are you both like this?”
Wifies just huffed and sat down next to him. Derap, taking this as an invitation, immediately flopped onto Parrot’s other side, draping himself over him with zero hesitation.
Parrot made a weak attempt to shove him off. “Get off me.”
Derap grinned. “Nope.”
Wifies leaned back against him too, settling comfortably like this was all completely normal.
It was so unfair.
Parrot sat there, arms crossed, lips pressed together firmly. He wasn’t going to give them any satisfaction.
…But then Wifies tilted his head slightly against his shoulder, and Derap hummed softly, shifting just a little closer—
And Parrot sighed.
“Fine,” he muttered, trying not to sound too fond. “But if you two start arguing again, I’m kicking you both off the couch.”
Derap snorted. “Yeah, sure you are.”
Wifies smirked. “Sure, Parrot.”
Parrot glared at them both.
But then Wifies turned his head slightly, eyes half-lidded and soft.
And Derap hummed, nudging his cheek against Parrot’s shoulder.
And Parrot sighed again.
He was so doomed.