Chapter Text
"Oh" looking at the same futon that had been there the night before , with two pillows and one blanket. Kiyoka sighed " this again."
The prince must have really enjoyed that.
Again there was a shared futon for Kiyoka and Miyo and nobody to be found to adjust it. How could this happen again Miyo thought desperately .
Right after seeing it, and even more after seeing Miyo 's reaction to it, Kiyoka went to find someone to take care of this. When he came back from his round of searching someone to take care of this, he sighed and said:
"I am sorry Miyo. There is nothing we can do about it now. We'll just have to figure it out, probably like yesterday." He looked carefully at her but was still taken aback how strongly her reaction to it was.
"Oh no" she shaked her head, her cheeks being already purple again . "I can't" she almost shrieked. "I just can't do that again".
"What is it Miyo? Why are you so terrified? I thought it went ok yesterday...?" Seeing her trembling , he added :"I thought you could see you could trust me , that I wouldn't push you to do or feel anything you don't want to feel". Seeing her eyes widen even more , her hands clutching to herself , her arms embracing herself.
He was surprised and hurt and worried , he didn't suspect it had been that horrible for her. It was probably too much revealing to her yesterday how he felt. He almost felt disgusted by how it seemed he had made her feel without even knowing. And now pushing her even more. How could he become so inattentive again?
"I am sorry Miyo. I thought it went ok and we could just get to sleep like yesterday. I didn't know I scared you. I will leave you to it and find another place to sleep".
He was about to take his leave to wander around and let her go to rest there, trying to find somewhere, anywhere to calm down himself , giving her space.
When he turned around, she cried out to him " Lord Kudo ?"
Her voice was thin, but he stopped nonetheless, turning back towards her, worried he had done something wrong again.
"Please..."
It wasn't probably just him who didn't know what to say , how to express the proper feelings. She looked vaguely at him. It almost seemed like she was begging him with her eyes to understand what she couldn't bring herself to say.
He stepped towards her again, slowly taking her hand while asking for permission to do so with his eyes . When she didn't tense or flinch, he took her hand more firmly, trying to reassure her with his touch.
"Miyo , can we just sit and talk please?"
He hoped she would understand that he had nothing else in mind. Getting even more red on her cheeks , she nodded slowly.
They sat on the ground . He let her go for a second just to close the door for more privacy, carefully watching her reaction. When she didn't flinch , he took her hand in his again.
" What is it Miyo? Do you not trust me ? Do you think I would push you to feel or do anything you don't want to ? Was it too much what I revealed to you yesterday?" While saying that , he slowly caressed her hand with his free hand.
Her cheeks didn't get any less purple. He didn't know what was going on, to confused , and his own thoughts and feelings whirling around in his mind.
"No..." It was a shock and he immediately pulled back his hand. But seeing her reaction made him regret it. She was close to tears. He didn't exactly know why. She stuttered: " I mean...uh...I ...I am... I do trust you and I know you wouldn't push me..." He exhaled slowly, and realising now that he had held his breath . He waited for her to continue but she seemed blocked.
"Then what's the matter? You can tell me, I won't judge or leave you, unless that's of course what you want me to."
He didn't think it possible but her purple cheeks turned even more purple. He had never seen her like that ... except...
"I...I am a-afraid of my feelings." She stuttered , with her voice so low he could barely hear her.
"It's okay to be afraid. I am too."
She looked at him sceptical. "You are?"
"I am. Remember what I told you yesterday?"
She looked him in the eye for what seemed like an eternity, like she tried to identify whether he was telling the truth or not.
" I do , b-but..." She stummered.
He furrowed his brows , hoping she would finally trust him enough to open up.
"We can work this out together, supporting each other but we need to be honest to ourselves and each other okay?"
She nodded , unconvinced. He sighed.
"Nothing bad will happen from sleeping together in this bed Miyo. Feelings won't change overnight because of it and I won't push to anything I promise."
She finally looked at him. "I know. It's just ...just th-that I can't sleep like that." She looked on the floor being ashamed.
He thought sharing something of his own might make her open up more. " It's okay, it's an unusual experience. I had difficulties to fall asleep too."
And yet she had heard him fall asleep almost right after their talk while she had been lying awake all night . How could he talk about knowing and feeling the same ?
But anyway, she couldn't just let him wander around the palace , not getting any sleep at all especially when he was working so hard , being so many lives at stake. She was his fiancé, she had to support him in any way she could. So she had to get it together.
"Alright then." She said . To him she still seemed unconvinced but he had the feeling that he had to let that go as putting more pressure into her to open up wouldn't do them any good.
So they got to bed.
........
She must have fallen asleep due to exhaustion despite the awkwardness she had felt lying next to him. After all she tried to put as much distance between them.
She was finally dreaming and she must have been whimpering , as she awoke due to being shaken slightly on her shoulder and waist. She opened her eyes, disoriented only to realize Lord Kudo's face was just s few inches away from her. She almost immediately turned purple and tried to get some distance between them. He froze, his eyes wide open too. Immediately she was sorry due to her strong reaction. What he must think of her ?
"Miyo, I am sorry I touched you. I think you were having a nightmare and I wanted to awake you from it. Please forgive me for touching you."
His voice was without emotion as though he had to coerce himself to say so. As if there was an even greater burden on him that he didn't want to show or share. " I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable or force you. I won't touch you again . I am sorry , believe me I am disgusted by myself."
She widened her eyes in shock. Never ever would she have thought that he would feel that way.
"Disgusted? Lord Kudo ...no...I do want you to touch me."
She almost immediately put her hand on her mouth from spilling out more of the words that were bubbling up inside of her. It must have been because she was still too tired to think before talking , that she had let slip these thoughts from her mind right into her mouth.
He froze , his eyes widening even more. Why didn't he say anything? She was ashamed. All of her face was deeply red, she was sure, she felt like she was boiling over.
Realising what she had said , she muttered "I am sorry...I am so sorry." She turned away, tried to get up .
Meanwhile Kiyoka had recovered from his reaction of surprise, grabbing her wrist and pulling her tenderly back. " Miyo. Don't... don't be sorry."
She didn't think she could get even more surprised than she had before. She didn't dare to look at him though,not unless she heard him chuckle . She looked into his eyes, unprepared for his hand to reach out and caress her cheek.
" I am so glad you said that Miyo. I thought you were disgusted by me. That that's why you didn't want to sleep near me. But that's not the case , is it ?" He smiled , his eyes lightening up , his features softening.
"I ...um.." all Miyo could do was stuttering.
When he continued to caress her cheek, letting his hand wander to her shoulders , running slow circles on her back and finally wandering to her waist, all she could do was to gasp for air. She couldn't think. When he finally kissed her, she almost felt relieved, feeling like some pressure finally released.
After that kiss, he let his hand rest on her waist, pulling her softly more towards him, looking into her eyes, waiting for her to adjust to this new situation.
She couldn't take the silence for long, thoughts whirling in her mind, seeming to make her crazy. Finally her curiosity won her inner fight of insecurity and she dared asking him : " So you don't think I am indecent ?"
She turned red again, looking anywhere else, to not face him.
.He took his hand from her waist to lift her cheek to face him: "No. Unless then I would have to call myself indecent too. "
She gasped at his revelation. Never would she have thought that he felt something similar like her. That it seemed like he wanted her , at a more profound level that she could think of. She never so herself as pretty or attractive and for sure not beautiful like Kaya , having learnt all her life that she was shabby and ugly. Letting her thoughts wander, she had to stop them from wandering to too scary places.
Turning even more purple again, he chuckled , and pulled her in for another kiss. She was still too surprised and confused to fully realise what was happening. But there were still so many doubts in her mind.
"Are you not ashamed of me?" It was hard for her to ask that but she had to know. She couldn't bare it to let her hopes up only to be hurt again.
"Ashamed?" He clearly seemed confused by that presumption. "How could I ever be ashamed of you? I know you're trying your best all the time and that is enough. At least to me."
She was astonished as how well he had gotten to know her. She often felt like she didn't try hard enough, and that no matter how hard she pushed herself it would never be enough. That she would never be enough. But that was due to her history of abuse. She knew it, but handling it, was still a different story. Yet he understood, that this wasn't anything he or she could change overnight, maybe never really fully "solve" through it. If there ever was some kind of "solution" to her trauma. But nonetheless he accepted her as she was. And he didn't try to pressure her into change, just being supportive to her, trusting and believing in her that she would work through it on her own terms and her own timing.
Him brushing her hair out of her face and caressing her cheek brought her back to reality.
Did he just say he understand what she felt and there was no way he could ever be ashamed of her and them feeling like that ?
"Do you really think so?" She whispered.
He brought his head even nearer to her, almost touching her lips, whispering back :"Of course I do ."
That was when she felt her heart beat faster. Impossible to control her emotions she turned forward , kissing him, then bringing her arm to his waist, cuddling towards him, resting her head on his chest .
"Thank you" she mumbled.
He was surprised and for about one second indecisive what to do, but then the warmth he felt around his heart won him over and he hugged her tightly , pressing her tenderly even more towards his chest.