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Sometimes I just wanna be hugged. I wanna be told "It's alright. It's not your fault. It's okay to cry. You're safe now." by someone I feel is genuine as we hug, without my anxiety screaming that "They're lying to me, they don't believe me! They'll probably gossip about this later... Then everyone will call me crazy or stupid or-" in the back of my mind. I don't know why I can't. I just wanna feel safe like that.
My "Mom" was not a mother. She was always overworking and got hooked with a new husband every 4 to 5 years, causing us to constantly move into unstable situations one way or another. My "Dad" was not a father. He was always partying and constantly treated me as if I was an annoying burden, causing me irreparable mental pain.
He'd also say I was a liar "Just like your mother!" a lot. All I wanted was for you to stop saying grandpa wasn't groping my thighs under the table when I was 11 years old. To stop saying that he was "Just being friendly," when he got so close to brushing his thumb on the outskirts of my vagina that I had to say "I'm not hungry anymore" and leave breakfast early. I had to grow up too quickly because I was neglected, gaslight, and yelled at during every point of what we call my "Childhood and teenage years." No wonder I don't wanna be a parent, I had terrible examples!
Even now, as an adult with the ADHD-Autistic deluxe combo and the large Depression-Anxiety meal living rent free in my head, I still don't feel safe enough in society to trust anyone! I will say at least I'm not suicidal anymore, but still. Having all this, now, in this shitty economy, I'm still expected to do normal shit! Well, call me Miss Bare Minimum, because I'M NOT A NORMAL PERSON, AND I AIN'T REALLY ABLE TO DO NORMAL SHIT THAT EASILY!!! I try really hard to be normal when just talking to people, but I can only keep that up for about 4 hours maximum before I'm gonna crash out on the next person who asks me how to look up the nearest doughnut shop with Google maps! YES, FOR SOME REASON, THERE ARE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE THAT DON'T KNOW HOW TO GOOGLE BASIC SHIT!-
I am probably crashing out right now, but I needed to get this out somewhere. Just get it all off my mind, y'know? Thank you so much if you read this far into my nonsensical burnout indulgent... what even is this? I don't fucking know, I'm done. Bye, love you guys.