Chapter Text
“You can fly higher…”
The words that Kageyama had said to Hinata a long time ago were words he would never forget. They would live with him in his head for the rest of his life. Repeating, the tone of voice always as honest as they were when he had heard them.
Hinata’s whole life had been focused on improvement, perseverance, and constantly having to pick himself up after defeats. Each defeat had made him just that much stronger. Each moment of weakness only hardened his resolve. Every new skill he failed to learn gave him new goals. But where did this journey end?
It was hard to do all of that alone. But he had.
Now though… he had kageyama. Another person to help pick him up and inspire him to work harder and harder until he was the best. This was something new to Hinata. This sudden rush of both appreciation and annoyance. He wanted to stay with kageyama forever, but at the same time he wanted to surpass him. He wanted to share everything with him, and he wanted to prove himself. This inner turmoil made it harder to focus on practice.
Every time he looked at kageyama he couldn't stop himself from thinking about this debate within himself. Deciphering how he felt and what it all meant was exhausting.
“Hey idiot!” he had zoned out again and missed a set, but it was kageyama's fault for distracting him right? Not like he would know that. “What could you possibly be thinking about to distract you from THE ONE THING YOU DO–” His tone, though aggressive, flared up these feelings of confusion within Hinata again.
He was interrupted by Tanaka smacking him for yelling at Hinata, but then he turned around “But he’s right! What’s going on in that little brain of yours? Nationals are coming up and we need you in top condition buddy.”
From across the court Daichi teased “what would you know about that Tanaka?” and the rest of the team laughed it off. A classic exchange for this group, they were used to the aggressive and straightforward manner that some of the players had.
Somehow that aggression, so similar to the way Kageyama talked to him, didn’t spark the same feeling in Hinata. Even though he found it so hard to explain, he did feel the difference. There was something different between the setter and spiker.
This passionate competition had started as nothing more than rivalry, a spark that lit a match. The match lighting a fire. The fire destroying what Hinata had known as truth. Burning him right down to his core. It had become so much more than just a rivalry to him. And it just kept burning brighter and bigger every time he saw Kageyama.
Once they’d finished practice for the night and finished cleaning up the team went to change out of their sweaty practice clothes. This wasn’t unusual for them, especially for Hinata who had a long bike ride ahead of him.
Out of the corner of his eye, Hinata saw kageyama changing his top. He had never looked closely before, but now he saw the perfectly toned muscles making up his obliques and pecs. His shoulders and triceps were particularly toned from years of setting volleyballs. His lats were like wings on either side of his ribcage.
There should be statues in museums that look like this…
What am i thinking! He’s my teammate and friend and im not– its not like that! Whats going on with me today?
Hinata found himself trying to rationalize this sudden and uncontrollable attraction. How could he feel this way about a boy, and not just any boy but his best friend? It was wrong.
But knowing that it was wrong didn't stop the warm tingly feeling that covered his face and neck. It didn't slow the spread of pink across his cheeks. And it certainly didn’t stop his mind from racing a mile a minute.
“What are you looking at dumbass?”
“Huh?” Being lost in his thoughts he hadnt realized he was still staring “I- I was just thinking!”
From across the room Tsukkishima scoffed, “you can think?” and Yamagucci laughed and Hinata’s flustered expression.
“What’d you say? You meanie! Of course i can think!”
“Oh really, how are those grades then.”
Being uninvolved in the argument, Kageyama finished changing and packing up and he left. His presence was replaced sense of relief and a sense of longing that pulled at the edges of Hinata’s consciousness.
Because it was his fault Yachi had to stay so late after school, Hinata felt responsible for walking her to her bus stop after practice. It also gave them time to talk together as friends, working together to decipher practice and school and drama between classmates. They both thoroughly enjoyed this time, it felt natural and easy to talk about difficult subjects when it was just the two of them.
“Hey Yachi…”
“Yes?” this was the most uncomfortable she had ever seen him, his face was turning red and his hands wouldn't stop fidgeting with his bike handles.
“What— what does it feel like to like someone?”
“To like someone? In what way?”
He couldn't meet her eyes, “like romantically.”
“Hmm…” she had to think. Where was this coming from? It was out of character for this obsessive volleyball fanatic to stray outside of that topic let alone to talk about romance. And why was he so nervous? She knew a thing or two about being nervous, having been diagnosed with anxiety from a young age. But this wasn’t his usual demeanor when he was nervous. Was he…embarrassed?
Now her face was starting to turn red. “I don't really know myself, but they always describe it as butterflies or lightning!”
“Butterflies…” he muttered, “lightning…”
“A-a-anyways this is my stop! See you tomorrow!” she was trying to cheer him up, muster some energy in him, but he just kept walking.
“Bye Yachi see ya.”
His whole bike ride home Hinata was close to tears. Even just the two symptoms that Yachi had given him were enough for a diagnoses.
Butterflies…lightning
He felt lightning when working with Kageyama, a rush as they played together and he hit set after set. After the amazing things they did together, the eye contact and mutual congratulations said silently. That was lightning.
Butterflies came after, when they were together doing anything that wasn't volleyball. Dumb arguments and homework and talking. Whenever he saw Kageyama the butterflies exploded within him and he felt like he could run all the way to the moon.
Lightning and Butterflies.
Now that he was sure that that was what he had been feeling, he wanted to drive right off the mountain. Having a crush on anyone was bad because it would distract him from volleyball, but having a crush on a boy? A boy that was on his team? A boy that he couldn't play volleyball without?
It couldn’t be much worse.
He had seen from junior high what happened to boys that liked boys. As soon as people found out the boys were isolated, ignored, or straight up bullied. Hinata hated to admit that he had ignored those boys too. He had thought of them as something “other” something to be ridiculed for. “It isn’t natural” he would say “it isn't right.”
But then… what now.
He had become the very thing that he was taught was wrong. He had looked down on people for it in the past which made him the lowest of the low. There was something wrong with him.
The natural optimism Hinata relied on to cary him through his highs and lows was running out and soon he would be running on an empty tank. This shame was dragging him down into something beyond sadness or depression. A new and awful feeling caused by this disgusting attraction.
How could he face kageyama tomorrow and the day after and the day after, now that he understands the sensations that his setter makes him feel. How could he face himself in the mirror every day without hating himself for liking another boy. How would he live the rest of his life if his optimism kept draining and draining until there was nothing left.
Is it even worth going to practice tomorrow? Is it worth going to school?
Is it worth waking up…
Thats where he stopped himself. That was too far, at least for now. He would push through with whatever energy he could muster for tomorrow. He would try his very best to see kageyama’s flaws and push down the condemning feelings that consumed him. They should go back to being enemies, why had they ever thought it would be a good idea to be friends.