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Surrounded by the sounds of buzzing lights above, Shin bit his lip looking over the reception and back to the closed doors, hoping that this time around that room will offer him acceptance and some guidance.
Whether the issue was physical or mental, this hospital offered assistance for it all. Smell of antiseptic and sterilized white walls added to the already welling up anxiety inside of Shin’s chest.
Ever since he had received the diagnosis, stating clearly that his well being requires professional help, the search for any sort of accommodation specialized in this range was a futile attempt. No other place had the resources or psychologists, some refusing to offer guidance for “his kind”, leaving him desperate once he had been granted a referral for this hospital specifically.
Shin sighed, turning his phone off, games were useless in taking the edge off and no longer bringing any entertainment.
Nervously he tapped his foot, too entranced in his own thoughts to pay further attention to the people around him. Is it actually possible for him to receive help at this point? Is it just going to be another referral with no hope of regaining his broken sanity? Is it even possible for him to get better in the first place?
Questions remain unanswered for the time being, Shin being brought back to reality once hearing his last name call out on the list.
“Yes, that’s me.” He stands up from the chair, losing balance for just a second.
“Doctor Sou will see you in the office shortly.” A polite looking nurse smiled at him, welcoming him with a hand gesture inside the room. Shin bowed and followed her in, being hit with that same smell he had to let in through his nostrils more often than not for the last month.
He analyzed it quickly, a neat desk with a computer on it, mandatory two seats placed at the front. Examination table on Shin’s left covered by a fresh set of paper, sending a chill down his spine in adoring memory of needing to sit on it again and again, singing that same song of humiliation explaining his problems, only to be met with a shrug and lips formed in a thin line - “I cannot help you.”
“Thank you…” He turned around to thank the nurse, but the door was already closed.
With a sigh, the thought of taking off the scarf crossed his mind, being quickly shut down by the freezing breeze coming from god knows where. Hospitals should pay better attention to the draft, people come here sick and leave even sicker, he thought.
The better question would be how sick could the doctors be themselves.
Hiyori adjusted his white coat, the elegance he oozed out into the outside world reflecting itself in front of the mirror. Light from the overhead bulbs luminescing on each of his green curls as he takes one last look before moving out to start his daily routine.
Appearance matters in this line of work. Confident posture and a sense of grandiosity has led him to be feared, as well as respected as a Doctor in the facility. The intimidating aura around him was unfaltering despite a polite smile he perfected as a default.
Patients he has no interest in listen, coworkers don’t poke their noses (most of the time), and that kind of a boring routine is something he’s become well acquainted with.
Dreadfully dull is this job of his. He skims over the pages of listed patients on his roster, not paying real attention to any, whether it be a regular or someone coming for the first time. All of it was too simple for a great mind like his; makes him wonder if he should even bother.
Until his pupils dilate at one of them.
Eyes trace over the name, looking through a rather short, but straight to the point diagnosis the unknown soul had been given.
The smallest of dimples appears on his cheek, smile lines prominent in the way his interest has finally been piqued.
He took one last look at himself in the glass window as he passed through the hallway, eyes full of gleem staring back at him.
Hiyori’s tunnel vision focused on the door like it’s a shiny gate, his patient already waiting on the other side.
His palm rested on the doorknob before slowly opening the door with a creak, a bubble of hope building in his chest - wishing for this room to become not only a Doctor’s office, but a workplace prepared for a creation to be born.
Shin turns to face the man, clinging onto his scarf like a lifeline.
The Doctor looked clean, as expected of course. White coat smoothly fitted against his frame as he stepped inside, letting the door close on its own.
There was an awkward yet unbreakable eye contact for the entirety of Hiyori’s strut, all the way to the other side of the desk keeping them apart.
Shattering silence let every gulp of Shin’s be heard, Hiyori having to hold back chuckles at the sound. He analyzed the poor boy in front of him. Skin pale, eyebags prominent and nicely fitting amongst the acne his patient clearly didn’t know how to care for. Small, thin, weak frame. Faulty posture - he tends to hide on himself, Sou noted.
This is fun.
He decided to break the silence, saving Shin some parts of his dignity - any that he had left. Hiyori’s voice filled the room, smooth and gentle, observing the way it made the trembling figure in front of him jitter.
“So, Tsukimi Shin, ain’t that right?” He began, playing with a random pen in his hand. “Or are you not able to remember your name, either?”
Shin’s voice got stuck in his throat for a second, clearing it awkwardly after. He shook his head. “I do remember… I remember my name.”
Hiyori’s smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “And what about those days when you don’t? Who are you then?” He leaned forward, putting Shin under a microscope and catching every single detail. “Who do you think you should be?”
Grasp on his scarf tightened, as well as his legs were now squeezing together. Subconscious ways in which he showed uneasiness, how uncomfortable it was to be prodded with straightforward questions. He’s been asked these things already, but never in such a way he is shamelessly being interrogated right now.
“I… I don’t know. No one…? Nobody…?” Words staggering over one another, a pleasant sound to Sou’s senses. “I don’t remember things, moments- places, but I… I don’t think I become a different person during it.”
Dissociative Amnesia - they call it. Hiyori gazes over Tsukimi’s file as he listens to the boy trying to answer his questions. Forgetting events and losing time, losing himself in the process. To Hiyori it feels like watching his food being served to him on a golden plate.
“Interesting…” Eyes back on the prey, a shattering piece of art losing fragments of its puzzle. Hiyori wants to take it apart himself, and put all of the pieces in all the wrong places. “You don’t become a different person you say, but do you ever truly feel like yourself, Shin?”
The question seemed to stun him.
“M-Myself…?” Something that requires a simple answer couldn’t quite make it around the labyrinth of his brain. “I… I know my name.”
“It isn’t your name that I asked for, dear. I asked if you ever feel like yourself.”
Palm under his chin, Hiyori stared intensely into him, his tone as calm as if asking about the weather. Why couldn’t Shin shrug it off in that same way?
“I… I guess…” Shin’s fists clenched, anger fueled shame inside of him. “I don’t know, okay? I just don’t.”
Hiyori’s smile didn’t fade, staying quiet and drinking in the rambling state Shin is slowly digging himself into.
The silence seemed to shame Shin even more.
“What? I don’t- fuck.” You don’t know. I don’t know. Does he know anything? “No, I don’t. My thoughts aren’t mine, the voice inside my head doesn’t belong to me. I seem to drown every time I want to recall the gaps in my memory and it makes me feel sick.”
Such a charming sight.
“Besides my name, I have no idea who I am or who I am supposed to be. And you,” Shin points a shaky and accusatory hand at the Doctor. “You are the one who’s supposed to help. So stop with the weird questions already.”
Hiyori adjusted himself in his seat, enjoying the little temper tantrum. “Of course, Shin I-”
“Fix me.”
“...What was that?”
“Fix me.” The hand fell down on his lap, head bent down in shame. He wasn’t angry anymore, instead his voice quavered, holding back tears. “Please. I need you to fix me.”
But you’re so perfect like this.
This is the first time Hiyori lacked the words to answer his patient. The first time a person in need of help truly made him want to listen. He wants to know more. See more. Shin is desperate, and it fuels the emotional vampire inside of him.
Hating the desk keeping them apart, Hiyori stood up. Shin’s shoulders trembled, enough proof to know that his sobs are perfected to be mute.
Fix you, hm? Where could be the fun in that.
Just as soundlessly as Shin cried, Hiyori made his way over to the occupied chair.
Hand rested on the thin back, rubbing slow circles.
“You truly are a case to solve, aren’t you.”
Not a question, it made Shin look up at the silhouette hanging over him. Teary eyes awakening a nerve in Sou’s body he’s forgotten the existence of.
“Doctor…” Quick glance at the nameplate on Hiyori’s chest, a reminder of his name. “Sou. Doctor Sou, please. Please accept me.”
He couldn’t contain a smile even if he tried.
“Well, when you’re begging me like this. How could I refuse?”
This time his sob actually sounded, a pathetic expression of pain mixed with joy painted on Shin’s face.
So desperate. So needy. Grabbing onto his saviour’s coat uncaring of the overstepping boundary in a Doctor-Patient environment. Hiyori let him, continuing his cooing gestures at the mess sprawled out before his eyes.
Such a clutter of feelings with a broken identity. A rollercoaster of emotions that are becoming harder to tame. He wants to see it all. See it unveil and inspect how many walls he can break.
A blank slate in search of its anchor. It’s like Shin’s asking for him to think of ways to ruin him further. After all, no one else could live up to the challenge. It’s a perfect opportunity for Sou to claim his gift, play with a brand new toy like it’s christmas.
For the first time in his life, Hiyori truly is looking forward to his next sessions.
…
“Let’s start from the beginning.”
Hiyori spun around in his chair, in his hand a brand new notepad he bought specifically for Shin Tsukimi - his new favourite. He spent the entirety of his night analyzing his diagnostics and symptoms, reading even more into things of mental nature just to perfect his knowledge.
He had Shin sit down on the examination table, taking a quick look at the ruffled paper underneath him. Poor thing cannot sit down without making a mess around.
“To know more about your memory issues, I’ll need you to cooperate with me.” Hiyori waited long enough to watch Shin nod in agreement. “Tell me, when did it start?”
“When I just started High School.” He scratched at his skin. Many prominent burn marks, Hiyori noticed. Self-harm and anxious scratches. “At least that’s what I think.”
Sou hummed in acknowledgment, adding it to his paper. “And how did it look like?”
“I started losing memories, at first I didn’t think of it much, because of stress and lack of sleep and all of that. But then hours turned into days, and then… weeks.” Shin’s shoulders slumped again. Hiyori liked that. “And at some point I realized I couldn’t recall a single thing. I would even forget things as I was doing them in the moment. It… It was scary. It is scary.”
So much new information was exciting.
Neatly written facts about Shin made him smile internally, making sure not to show it on his face. It was always a dream of his, really. Being able to play with someone’s memories like this. Wonderfully presented opportunity.
“And what about your emotions? Anger, fear, sadness. How do they feel?”
“Like death.”
Poetically said.
Shin continued, “It isn’t as if I’m having these feelings. They control me instead, they- they ruin everything around me. Ruin- me.” His voice was breaking.
You’re going to make me jealous.
“Ruin you, hm?” Sou finished another line of text followed by a silly doodle, tossing the book to the side of his desk as he got up. He walked up to Shin, using this as a chance to watch how hard eye contact is to the boy as well. “Well, your list of problems surely didn’t hold back. No memory, no identity,”
His eyes glistened.
“All of this means no control.”
Shin trembled, playing with the ends of his scarf again. In truth, when it came to control he didn’t have any. But has he ever, really?
“So… Is there a way for me to have that? Have that control?”
Even if there was, I’d make sure that won’t happen.
“Well of course, Shin.” Hiyori said with a comforting smile, putting his hand on the boy’s head, ruffling his hair. “You’ve been assigned to me, after all. Best of the best.”
Shin went quiet before giggling at the unfaltered confidence. “Haha, well, that makes me feel a bit better, I guess.”
Cute.
“Just make sure to show up to my sessions. I can’t handle my time being wasted.” Sou took his hand back. “But I’m sure you wouldn’t do that to me, isn’t that right Shin?”
Smile so soft it could warm even the coldest parts of Hiyori’s heart.
“Of course… I won’t disappoint you. You’re the only one who agreed to help me, after all.”
Such blind and desperate trust, it was almost too easy. He didn’t hate that this time around.
Using Shin’s fear of abandonment will prove useful in the long run, already seeing signs of him putting Hiyori on a pedestal. Good. Exactly how it should be.
“It’s my pleasure, Shin. Trust me.” Hiyori lets the sneer linger before turning on his heel, facing his desk again. “I actually thought of something that could prove useful to you.”
“Oh?” Shin, as if awoken from a rather dull sleep, straightens his spine. He tries to look over Sou’s shoulder to spy on what he’s doing, but deems it unnecessary as Hiyori soon faces him again, this time with a few ripped out pages from a notebook.
He hands it to Shin and he grabs it on autopilot. “I’ll have you write down notes. Any feelings or memories until our next session. Anything that rattles inside that brain of yours,” Hiyori’s voice lowers just a pitch. “I need to know about it, even when I am not there.”
Shin looks over it, going over the instructions in his brain. Accepting the homework, he gives his Doctor another grin. Rather chipper today, it seems. “Sure! Yeah, I-I’ll try not to… forget… Haha.”
“Well, you better not. Or else my work will be pointless.” Hiyori steps back and lends a helping hand to Shin, assisting him in getting down from the examination table back on the floor. “You need to follow my instructions if you really want to recover your missing pieces.”
More seriously now, acknowledging the severity of his situation once more, Shin nods. He took his beanie from the chair, adjusting it on his head. “Yes, Mr. Sou. I’ll make sure to remember.”
“Just Sou is fine.” Bright eyes smiled on their own. “Matter of fact, call me Hiyori. Being on a first name basis might help us bond in the long run.”
“Alright, Sou- ah, Hiyori.” Shin stumbled over words, neatly folding the paper into his pocket. “I’ll see you next week then?” He bowed politely and turned his head to face the door.
“Hold on, Shin,” Hiyori stopped him from walking out at the last second, hand on the boy’s shoulder.
When Shin glanced back at his Doctor, his vision wandered down to Hiyori’s hands holding an orange bottle of unregistered medicine.
“W-What is this…?”
“This,” He rattled the bottle playfully, enjoying the sound of pills clashing together. “This is help. It’s going to help with your anxiety. Twice a day, morning and night.”
Hiyori handed him the trap, Shin obeying new instructions in an instant.
It wasn't necessarily a lie, per se. This will definitely help with Shin’s anxiety and broken sleep pattern. The heightened dosage and borderline emotional dysregulation were merely a treat for Hiyori to watch unravel.
Their hands touched during the exchange, Hiyori letting their fingers collide for a moment too long to be deemed purely accidental. It made Shin visibly shy away, clearing out a non-existent cough. Hiyori, in contrast, craved more.
“T-Thank you… I…” Shin looked between the door and Hiyori in a hurry. “I have to go now.”
Sou nodded, hands behind his back.
“I’ll see you next week, Shin.”
He watched as his object of sick affection and intrigue walked off, disappearing behind that same door he once harbored no emotion towards. Now, he counts down until he sees the disheveled teal hair peek through like a fearful mouse again.
Hiyori felt around in his pocket, successfully getting ahold of the voice recorder and pressing for it to pause.
This gadget will surely come in handy, too.
…
Ticks of the clock felt like heavy thumps in Hiyori’s eardrums. He’s been tapping his pen on the desk for the past 15 minutes, every so often looking up at the time, watching it pass.
Granted he’s showed up earlier than he should, that didn’t change the fact that his favourite patient was late. It felt like a dishonor to what he’s been promised during their previous session, as well as walking on edge for Hiyori’s brain - eager to watch and disassemble the boy.
What shall he do if Tsukimi doesn’t show up at all? What if he cancels on him entirely? That’s a rather bold claim, seeing how desperate he was to have any Doctor take interest in him at all, but it makes Sou shift uncomfortably nonetheless.
He needs to know he can pull all of Shin’s limbs like strings, and corrupt his mind easily with just a stare.
Until then, all he can do is wait.
Smile crept up on his lips once he realized the hold-up came to a pass, eyes fixated on Shin shyly opening the door, as if unsure if he is allowed to enter.
He looked worse, more frantic. Hiyori felt joyous at the sight.
“Well, welcome back. Thought for a second there that I wouldn’t get to see you again.” Sou’s singsong voice was a blinding contrast to the state in which Shin appeared, a nervous smile and eyes staring into nothingness, avoiding his Doctor at all cost.
Legs crossed and fingers intertwined, Hiyori watched Shin take a seat in front of him, just like before. This time, he could watch the boy sink into it, acting strange and like his mind was floating in a different dimension.
As much as the disoriented view could be described to him as “fun”, he still had a job to do, deciding to save Shin from the agony of his overwhelming thoughts.
“You don’t feel so good, do you?” Notebook back in his hands, ready to note. “Is it another one of your dissociative episodes?”
“No…” Shin’s vocal cords seemed strangled, dry and scratchy with every word. Didn’t sleep well, Sou assumed. “I- I don’t know…”
“Well, what do you know, Shin?” Condescending kind of comeback finally earned him a glance from the patient, internally patting himself on the back. Hiyori’s soul yearned for those worried eyes to look at him again. “Have you been keeping notes, just like I asked? Did you take all your pills? Tell me what happened during the week.”
Hiyori’s eyes followed his every move. “Oh… Oh, right!” Shin searched around his pocket and pulled out irresponsibly bent and messed up pages. He handed them over the desk, adding any more he could find. “S-Sorry about the writing, it could be messy in some places… And I also needed more space so I brought my own paper as well-”
Hiyori shushed him, putting his hand up in a silencing way while checking through papers with the other. “No need to explain yourself, let me just have a quick look.”
The handwriting was indeed messy, sometimes completely off the line, other times missing words.
Most of the notes were about his nightmares and thoughts, which progressively seemed to be getting worse. The rest was him writing down memories of the day, also lacking in action the further it went.
“Hm.” Sou put his reading glasses on, struggling with Shin’s rattle of a brain trying to make things make any sense. “So from what I’m seeing - and I’m seeing a lot, you’ve been struggling with nightmares. Correct?”
He waits for a nod before he continues talking.
“I can’t tell much from your notes, really. Something about waking up, unable to recall your day at all,” He closes his glasses back up, this part especially catching his interest. “Something about… Seeing something? Someone?”
Shin gulps. He hated having his weaknesses and troubles written down for evaluation, but since Doctor Sou requested it, he tried.
Now, being put on a spot, he’s unsure of how to act. Only a loud gulp and shifting in his seat could be heard, other than the newest addition to Hiyori’s office - an obnoxiously loud clock.
“I… I’m not sure how to say it.” Shin hid in his scarf. The look in his eyes stayed dazed, and Hiyori only hoped it was with the help of his new prescription.
“Say it however you want - you just need to talk to me. Tell me everything. I can fix you, remember?” He leaned over the desk, hand under his chin to look interested in Shin’s upcoming story - Which he was. “I need you to be open with me, Shin.”
Shin looked down again, taking in a heavy breath to calm his heart. He can trust Hiyori, and when the boy was finally ready to talk, it only excited the Doctor further.
“Be honest, Shin. Tell me what’s troubling you.”
Shin took another pill from his nightstand, already going over his prescribed limit.
He couldn’t help it. The pills were supposed to work, calm him down, and he needed that now more than before.
The nightmares had him clutching his heart, picking at his skin to make sure this time he is really awake.
Memories of the past, disturbing their perception, chasing Shin in a void of nothingness and making his head hurt like it’s about to implode. They suffocated him, making him wish he was dead. Begging him to cut through his arteries and stab a knife through his chest.
And yet with every wake up call, it was as if these memories personified themselves in his cold sweat, leaving his brain with every droplet hitting the ground.
It drove him crazy. Constant voices, constant paranoia.
He looked over at the time. Middle of the night, always that same 2 in the morning snapping him back from sleep.
And for the past couple days, each night he could see him, too.
Watching from the corner of his room. His Doctor, standing straight and observing his every move like a documentary.
The first two nights he was scared, screaming and finding courage to investigate if the hallucination was real.
On his third and after, he became accustomed to it. It kept feeling like a dangerous presence was entering his zone, but something about it started to feel warm. Safe and familiar.
Shin looked over at him with a hopeful look.
“You will help me, right?”
The silhouette didn’t move. It couldn’t reply or gesture. It could not even blink.
“I need you, Sou. Don’t leave me like the rest.”
A single tear fell down his cheek.
“I need you to fix what I am.”
Beautiful. I can’t wait to make you worse.
Hiyori nodded throughout his recollection, enticed by the storytelling. And when he got to the part about him? Like theater, he wanted to stand up and applaud, thanking the actors for a memorable event!
This only seemed to boost his ego, knowing that the effect of drugs mixed in with the deep hidden thoughts of Shin about him.
“And… that’s about it.”
Shin finished speaking and Hiyori would lie if he said he didn’t zone out at the end of it, going over his favourite parts in his head.
“Ah, Shin. Sounds like you had it rough, hm?” Hiyori leaned back in his chair, spinning it from side to side. “Such a brave boy you are, trusting me with this stuff. This is what our relationship is going to be about, and I can already tell you’re making progress.”
Shin looks at him with that dazzling confused expression. “P-Progress? You think me having hallucinations would be progress?”
“Well of course!” Sou stood up, making his way over to Shin just like on their first session together. “You’re remembering things your brain kept away from you, you see it in your nightmares and reality. This is really good, Shin.”
All these lies twist Hiyori’s brain nerves into strings. Keep sweetening him up, the more sugar you put the tastier the dessert will be.
“I even prepared something for you, since I had a feeling you were going to be doing well.” Hiyori patted his back, momentarily playing with the gentle texture of a blue scarf. “This should help your fatigue.”
Hiyori pulled out yet another bottle from his lab coat’s pocket. Another unnamed medicine is handed to Shin, his hand already reaching out for grabs.
Some distant voice of his tells him to question what it is, but the louder one knows that even if he were to ask, he wouldn’t understand.
So he bows in gratitude slightly, taking said medicine in his pocket.
“So do I stop taking the other ones?”
“No, dear. They balance one another, you should feel more energized after taking them together.” Hiyori’s gaze turns to teal hair, wishing that he could see more from under the beanie. Probably perfectly messy, strands standing every which way are hidden under the inconvenience. Eyes staring at him for guidance bring him back to his profession. “You have the dosage written on it. Just follow it and you’ll feel better.”
Sou knew that in a matter of a few minutes he would be deprived of Shin again. He’s going to sit down next, clip Shin’s poor attempts at recollecting events on paper in his notebook and write down any of his personal notes for Shin’s status and his next plan of action. His patient turned a professionally kept notepad into a poorly constructed personal letter to his object of affection.
Something in him really didn’t want to part.
And what he’s going to do next really is crossing a line in their newly developed Doctor-Patient bond.
“Hey, Shin…” Hiyori starts, and for once he could actually feel something akin to the word “flustered”.
Cutely dissociated pupils looked up at him.
“Since you’ve been having such a hard time recently, I think it’s best if you contact me outside of this office.” It was Hiyori this time that extended his hand. “Give me your phone.”
Shin was confused, taking longer to process words being said to him, eardrums stuck in a fog. “I’m sorry, my phone?”
When his question was met with a nod, he obeyed quickly, pulling out his phone and placing it in the larger hand.
“What for, Doctor?”
“I need to be able to contact you.” He continued while comparing two phone screens to each other, writing down Shin’s phone number in his. “I can be there to consult you during your episodes. It might prove helpful during our weekly separation.”
When done, Shin got handed his phone back, holding onto it tightly with butterflies in his stomach. That is, if said butterflies were strangling one another, grabbing their beautiful wings and tearing them apart.
“O-Okay… Thank you, Doctor.”
Hiyori stepped back just enough to let Shin move from the chair and towards his hanging coat. Even though he knew it was his departure time, having another way to contact his interest personified gave him another reason to smile.
“It’s Hiyori, darling. And don’t be afraid to contact me.” He followed Shin’s every move with an intense stare. “I will always be on standby.”
…
He is so glad he said that.
With a glass of alcohol in hand, the ice swirling in it beautifully clinking each vulnerable edge, Hiyori stared at his phone. One after another, notifications sounded and lit his phone with the only name he wanted to see.
Shin is successfully having another one of his breakdown episodes. Successfully, because it simply means there is yet another way for Hiyori to prove himself as the boy’s anchor.
And he can tell he is Shin’s only help, seeing as his number is the one receiving the turmoil.
Hiyori didn’t stop the smile, letting the phone buzz a few more times as he gulped down the rest of his whiskey, sat on the carpet in front of his sofa and watching the beautiful night-life outside his apartment’s window.
Somewhere out there, there’s Shin right now. Crying and shaking, beating himself bloody to calm down as if that’s going to help. Cutting his flesh in an attempt to control the immense pain his consciousness projects. Hiyori wishes he was there to help. With cutting, of course. Nothing as gorgeous as Shin writhing in pain.
Silent chuckle leaves him at the thought of his career choice. Perhaps it all led up to him having Shin all to himself.
He decided to spare the boy, unlocking his phone to a spam of texts.
“It’s worse.”
“You lied, I hate you”
“I can see you again. Please stop”
“pleasr im sorry”
“im scaredwhat do i do??”
Slow deterioration of his speech was lovely.
Should he text back or give Shin a call? Texting could be easily overlooked by his state, and a call would bring Hiyori the pleasure of hearing Shin’s voice once more. Choice was obvious.
Hiyori didn’t hesitate clicking the call button, listening to the line ring for a moment. Moment too long.
“Shin, answer my call.”
“i csnt talk right now”
“I said answer. I can help you.”
“you cant. its worse you lied i dony wsna talk to uou”
“Trust me, Shin. I’m your only help.”
Hiyori bit his lip waiting. Shin couldn't afford splitting on him now, and he’s going to make him realize that.
A minute later, Hiyori’s phone rang.
He picked it up, relishing in the breathing on the other line at first. God he missed that sound. They should call more often, recorded voice notes are just not enough.
“Can you hear me, Shin?”
He was met with silence.
“Shin, I need you to answer me.”
It was slow and quiet, but the boy finally spoke. It was shaky, cracked up like a porcelain doll that’s been mistreated for too long.
“O-Okay… I’ll try.”
“Good boy.” Hiyori felt a twitch go through his whole body. He shouldn’t have said that, but it rolled off his tongue so well. “Tell me what’s happening.”
“There’s… I…” Shin does his best to mask the panic. He fails, but he does his best. “I see things again- You, I see you.” He’s been crying for a while now. “I-I can’t sleep too well. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. My brain is- is mean, it’s really mean Doctor.”
“Hiyori…” He whispers, loud enough to know Shin hears. “Call me Hiyori, okay?”
“Okay… Sorry. I need h-help. My brain won’t stop and it feels like I’ll die-”
Shin sobs into his phone microphone, completely unaware of Hiyori playing with the zipper of his pants, belt already on the floor beside him. In the moment, it’s as if Hiyori isn’t aware of it either.
“Shhh… It’s only your thoughts. Your paranoia, Shin. Have you taken your pills today?”
“Mhm.” Shin sniffles and Sou’s pants are unbuttoned. “I took everything. I did notes yesterday- Well, I did notes today. A-And yesterday, too. I just-”
Hiyori’s palm wanders down his boxers, breathing quieter, but about as ragged as Shin’s. “Good… Good, exactly how I told you. You listen so well, Shin.”
Shin continues his ramble. “It’s supposed to help, Hiyori. Why isn’t it helping? Why do I feel worse?”
“It’s just… It’s your brain unlocking things. Stuff it kept hidden from you… Trust me, you’re making progress.”
“You said that the last time we saw each other, b-but I don’t feel like it.”
Last saw each other, right. Now not only is Hiyori’s brain on about the broken way Shin sounds, but the idea of his body crumbling to the ground in despair. Shin needs him. It makes heat pool in Hiyori’s gut.
“The things you see, you feel… It’s all going to feel more natural. It’s going exactly as it’s supposed to, Shin.” Exactly on the road to making you mine. “What are these thoughts telling you?”
“They… They hate me. They say I’m awful, that I-” Shin’s voice cracked and Hiyori’s dick twitched. “I need to die. There’s no help. I’m alone and hopeless.”
“Shin… Shin,” Hiyori wasn’t even trying to hide it, whines becoming harder to suppress while saying the name. His patient was too panicked to register. “You’re not alone, okay? I’m right here…” To collect your dead body. “R-Right here, not going anywhere. I will fix you,” Dead by my hands. “I can make you feel good.”
“Can you, Doctor? I- I mean… Promise, Hiyori. Promise you can help me feel good again.”
If Hiyori wasn’t about to finish, he’d stop and consider if Shin was saying things like these on purpose.
“Hah… I promise, Shin. I will make you feel good. Better than you have felt your entire life.”
Long jittered sigh left Shin’s lips. Hiyori was right there.
“Okay… T-Thank you, Doctor…”
Everything after was consumed by a ringing noise inside Hiyori’s eardrums. Whether Shin said something or not, once Sou came back to his senses the call already ended.
He couldn’t help but laugh.
Just as planned and even better.
This is going to be the best reward of his life.
…
Sessions after that flew by like a breeze, Hiyori crossing his legs waiting, knowing that Shin is going to show up each week. They’ve exchanged frequent conversations through text, deciding to keep their messages like a journal for Shin, instead of wasting himself on pages splattered with ink.
With every visit, Shin has been subdued to another drug, ketamine being the latest addition to the mix of ritalin and zolpidem messing with the boy’s wires and setting them on fire.
It was truly intoxicating to Hiyori as well. Seeing the state he left Shin in. More sweaty, disoriented, a walking zombie presenting itself for him to assess.
Brain became emptier than it has ever been.
“Now, Shin. Tell me your name.”
Incomprehensible mumble. “Tsuki…mi, Shin.”
“And what are you?”
“...Nothing.”
“And who could make you something?”
“...Sou.”
Poor boy sat on his examination table. Pupils blown wide, always trying to look at Sou but somehow looking past his soul.
In contrast to Hiyori, who’s gaze was an unrelenting weight on Shin’s exhausted body, prodding and stripping, picking him apart.
Hiyori played with teal strands shamelessly, having his lab coat long discarded on the desk, alongside Shin’s scarf. He had a syringe filled with the one-last-step narcotic, admiring first the state of his ruined creation.
Ruined. Perfect in his perception.
“I couldn’t sleep again.” Shin’s voice became more erratic yet monotonous at the same time, lost in the extending forest of his imagination. “You got closer to me, just like last time.”
“Mhm, what else did your hallucinations do?”
“You spoke to me. For the first time, I think.” Drowned in thought, Shin didn’t pay mind to his beanie being removed. “I couldn’t understand you, but your lips moved. I can… I can see you clearer than my surroundings, sometimes.”
Hiyori’s throat didn’t contain a giggle, it felt like a compliment to say the least. It was a sign, one after another of his gained power over Shin. “Interesting. Seeing illusions clearer than reality.” Hiyori gazed at the exposed pale neck, wishing to add more cracks. “Or perhaps that is what you prefer, after all?”
His hands roamed around Shin’s face as the boy leaned into the touch desperately. It was an addictive sight. “All this talk about fixing you. But do you really want to be fixed?” Warm fingertips traced their way down to the collar of Shin’s shirt, teasingly pulling it away and back to his body.
Question remained unanswered, Shin’s lips parted with no noise. Voice box only controlled when Hiyori wanted it to be, just like the rest of him became a puppet controlled by Hiyori’s command.
“I think you never wanted to be helped. I made you exactly what you wanted to be.”
Sou started lifting the material hiding his treasure, the unawareness he put Shin in letting him do whatever he wants.
Ribs neatly hidden by a thin piece of skin, scars scattered around without a plan, random bruising from episodes and carelessness, fitting alongside the low iron in his system.
It was gorgeous, just like Hiyori wished for it to be. He wants to squeeze the body and watch it pop, snap the neck and drink the blood. Show Shin how beautiful he can be destroyed.
Hands rest on the boy’s waist as the last question sounds.
“Shin, would you like me to help you one last time?”
Hypnotized stare held eye contact with him, head moving in an agreeing way. “I need you, Sou. Only you can help.”
Right you are.
Hiyori reached out for the syringe awaiting its use, holding it with such carefulness to make sure this moment was exactly as he planned.
The needle digs into Shin’s exposed vein. Sou can’t wait for the bruised up picture that’s going to paint itself for him.
Matter of fact, why wait.
Phone was freed from his back pocket, camera app ready on standby to capture this moment.
Clicks sound in the office, making sure to have each picture present Shin in the brightest of lights and in the weakest of moments. Some of just him sitting, looking at the camera disoriented, other with Hiyori’s hand in the shot, placed on various parts of exposed skin to claim Shin as his.
“Ah…” One of the squeezes near Shin’s hip makes him let out a noise. It stops Hiyori altogether, thrilled at the proof that his drug was working.
“I feel… I feel hot, and your grab is really- really…”
“Enticing?” Sou finishes that sentence for him. “I told you, only the best to help my favourite patient. I’m going to make you feel every part of our session, Shin. And you’re going to feel saved.”
“Saved…?”
Hiyori let Shin question while he was busy setting up a good angle for a video, craving something more than just an audio recorder or a few pictures separately. “Yes, Shin. I’ll be your saviour.”
Picking the perfect spot, he turned and made his way back to Shin. Eyes hungry and lustful, already devouring the boy presented to him on the examination table.
“I’ll help,” Hiyori’s fingers grabbed Shin’s head, short nails stabbing their way into his forehead. Shin whined again, more sensitive to physical sensors than before. “I’ll make all of this go away.”
Thin fingers tugged at his shirt, to Hiyori’s surprise pulling him closer to Shin. “Please, Sou…”
“Save me.”
Frantically removing Shin’s pants, Hiyori noted down another thing in his head. Drugged haze of the boy clung to him like it was a necessity, as if losing contact with Sou would kill him.
“Shin, let me do this quickly-”
“No!”
Like a rebellious kid Shin shouted, wrapping his legs around Hiyori’s waist and arms crossing over the neck, rested on broad and still clothed shoulders.
Hiyori would lie if he didn’t get even harder at the gesture. Codependency in its purest form, it looked like he officially earned his title of being Shin’s center of universe.
“God, you’re adorable.” Sou whispered into Shin’s neck, loving the way goosebumps on it spread. The hold on him tightened, Hiyori being able to unbutton the brown pants regardless.
“Open your mouth.” Doctor’s orders, and Shin listened. In the moment he let Hiyori lean back a bit, creating more space in between them to allow his hand reaching Shin’s parted lips, coating fingers in dripping drool.
Each second and each moan Hiyori pressed the fingers further until he had Shin gagging on them, making Sou nearly drool on him as well.
“Good, good boy. You’re preparing yourself for the examination so nicely.” Couldn’t help a chuckle, playing around in Shin’s mouth and feeling every tooth before taking his fingers out.
Hand travelled all the way south to Shin’s abdomen, smoothly making his way under Shin’s underwear. It earned an immediate gasp, followed by a whine as Hiyori rubbed against Shin’s wet cunt.
“Well, it seems like I didn’t need the lube after all.” Eye contact is unrelenting and Hiyori is not gonna let Shin break it. “You’re soaking down there. You are enjoying this as well”
He relishes in the sounds Shin makes as his fingers keep on exploring, his pointer rubbing around the hole, testing for reaction. “Of course you are. You love when I help you, isn’t that right?”
“It feels so…” Shin tries to put words together, giving up once he feels Hiyori’s finger enter him smoothly, walls clenching around it and asking for more.
“Come on, Shin…” Hiyori’s voice got darker with need. “Don’t be so tensed up. Unwrap yourself from me and lay back, okay?”
Shin nodded and obeyed, leaning back, exposing his parts further for Hiyori’s amusement.
It worked. God, he can only hope that camera is still recording everything.
Having Shin so helpless, so sprawled out for him, it took utmost self control to not go in on him right now, using him until his body stops working and murdering him in that same office he promised to find cure.
He added one finger after another, loving the squelching sound of Shin’s hole. It was wonderful to his eyes and ears, to all of his senses as Shin writhed and moaned, sounds he could never hear before.
Such a good idea it was, last session of the day, they had this area practically all to themselves. Hiyori really didn’t want Shin to hold back too much.
“You’re beautiful, Shin. You’re a tragedy, hopeless.” Hiyori curled his fingers inside, watching how it made Shin twitch and the tiniest bit of liquid splurt out. His other hand pulled down the underwear with pants further down. “Hah. I created something beautiful.”
A stray willing to obey its owner.
Rough pull out was necessary for Sou to undo his own pants, dick begging for release inside of the most enchanting mess of a being he has ever laid eyes upon.
Shin was bordering unresponsive, unable to speak anything but moans, eyes rolled back and shut whenever Hiyori managed to hit a spot.
With something harder and larger entering him, Shin’s destroyed mind short circuited, rough thrust inside done by Sou to bottom out hitting Shin’s lungs, or so he felt.
Hiyori leaned his head back in ecstasy, enamored in the way Shin’s insides made him feel high. “Fuck, you feel better than I imagined. You feel more than perfect.” He bowed to the front again, head in perfect position to lick Shin’s nipples and send him over the sensory edge. “You’re going to be my best creation.”
And without a doubt in his mind, or without anything inside it whatsoever, Shin nodded.
He agreed.
Perhaps urging to get help was pointless, when all he needed was to find Hiyori.
He’s going to do all the thinking for him.
And with each move, death felt like it was coming to take Shin away. With every foggy word Hiyori moaned, with every grunt and growl the man let out while holding a bruising grasp on the weaker body - Shin couldn’t think of anywhere else he could have been.
Something warm, warmer than usual filled him. It felt like medicine, giving Shin release of his own.
His vision is blurry, unable to see the way Hiyori leans over him with an adoring stare, heaving over him while a million thoughts run through his head.
Hiyori wanted to ruin him, and he did. But this is not it, not enough. He needs Shin now, such a down-to-earth realization makes him shiver, but he can’t just let him go.
Destruction wasn’t enough, he feels gluttony for more, lust for possibilities and pride that needs to be fueled by a weak mind like his.
At least in the moment, there is one more thing he needs.
A kiss, gentle and soothing way of their lips meeting in between gasps for air.
Sick and twisted way of claiming intimacy further, such a tender touch in comparison to their encounter, making it a sealed contract between the two.
Shin is his, in the most literal way it could be said.
Beyond the day that Sou ends his life.
…
Hiyori played with his usual pen, making more artworks of little Shins scribbled around the page.
He noted the events down, of course. With every detail, as according to his wonderful video. It took a few tries, as Hiyori kept getting… Distracted. Nonetheless, it was done, and he was ready for more.
No texts from Shin since last week. Ever since Shin came back to consciousness past their fun, his terrified look and abrupt movements of trying to put himself back together left Hiyori without being spoken to.
But he didn’t fret.
He smiled, humming a happy song stuck in his head. Birds sang outside with him.
The blue scarf, beautiful and enveloping a small frame, was now hanging behind Hiyori on the wall.
A claimed prize, humiliation to his doll and trophy for the maker.
He gazed at it, hand under his cheek as a giddy smile entered his face.
Shin will come back.
He always will.