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Technically, it wasn’t a necklace, and technically, Sendai-san didn’t buy it for me. Therefore, one could say that she listened earnestly to my request to not get me a necklace for my birthday, and that I had nothing to complain about.
At least, that was Sendai-san’s excuse when I opened the neatly-wrapped box in front of me to find a collar that was way too big for any pet we might ever have, and way more ornate too. It was a deep blue just a few shades darker than her earrings, and it seemed to come with a silver buckle to adjust the collar’s tightness around the neck. Three familiar kanji characters were also engraved on a small metal tag, spelling out my first name.
The sight of them was so unexpected, and my first reaction so visceral, that it must’ve shown on my face, leading Sendai-san to say for a second time: “It’s not for you.”
“Then what is the meaning of this?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“It’s not. What’s the point of giving me something that I’m not going to wear?”
But my fingers kept stroking the thin characters, tracing the lines as if spellbound. It wasn't too unusual to be struck by the sight of your name somewhere you didn’t expect it to be, like that specific object was somehow meant for you – but if I kept going about it like this, Sendai-san would surely misunderstand and make it out to be something bigger than it was, so I made sure to follow my words by arranging my whole face into a scowl.
Sendai-san’s face did not reflect mine. It never did, no matter how hard I tried. She always kept smiling like tolerating my moods was the most natural thing in the world, and when the collar started to feel scalding under my hands she was ready to take it off mine, keeping it from clanking on the floor.
“I figured it was time for you to put a real collar on me, Miyagi.”
“That’s not something you should get to decide for yourself.” I forced myself to remove my gaze off the collar to look straight at her, as if I didn’t already know what her answer was going to be.
“If I asked you, Miyagi, you’d never let me do anything.”
And it’s not like Sendai-san was wrong. If she’d asked me, the idea would probably have been etched into my mind for weeks after the fact, arousing intrusive thoughts I’d already had to weed out one by one – but I never would have actually agreed with her. I probably would’ve just ended up saying that she was already undoubtedly and completely mine, and if she needed a collar still as a reminder then her heart probably wasn’t in it in the first place.
Still, buying herself a collar, even having it be custom-made, was something I couldn’t look past. I was the one who owned Sendai-san; therefore, I should have been the one to pick her collar. Death row inmates do not pick their own noose, and if they did, despite the end result being the same, the power their to-be murderers hold over them would significantly decrease. It was for that same reason that Sendai-san once refused to buy herself earrings that marked her promise to me and insisted I do it instead, yet now she had no issue going behind my back and making herself my property without my consent.
She should have just waited until I’d had enough time to mull the idea over in my head and eventually caved and dragged myself to the nearest shop or skeevy website. If I told her no, she’d usually just pester me until I said yes. That’s what she always did, so I was pissed she didn’t do it this time.
My silence was probably troubling Sendai-san more than I thought, because her eyebrows furrowed together and, with a look that was finally more soft than it was sly, she went: “If you don’t like it, I can give it back.”
That wasn’t it.
I don’t know if I ever would have accepted the idea of collaring her, but if I had, I would have picked differently. That’s all.
I could tell Sendai-san picked a collar that had my name written all over it – literally. It was the color of my birthstone, the color of her earrings, and while it had long since grown to represent my ownership of her, I didn’t want there to be more me on her body than there was Sendai-san. I had painstakingly picked earrings and a necklace for her because, as unflattering as anything I could choose for someone like Sendai-san could be, they were still small enough that the rest of Sendai-san made up for it. I wasn’t opposed to having more of my marks on her, but I didn’t want Sendai-san to disappear behind them. I always thought warm colors would fit her more than my subdued hues, and I would have been more okay with her going behind my back if she’d at least picked a collar that she liked. I didn’t gift her necklaces making up her name just for it to be covered by my own.
I couldn’t stand Sendai-san like this. No matter how hard I tried with her, she was always five steps ahead of me and tried to erase whatever progress I’d managed to make. She set a pace for us to follow, and I was helpless to follow it.
“I’ll put it on,” I said, taking the collar back with more strength than strictly necessary. “Turn around.”
Without the slightest hesitation, she did as I said, and I brushed her hair out of the way.
She was so unfair.
She knew each and every one of my weaknesses, all the buttons she needed to press to get me to give in to her. She knew as long as she gave me an illusion of power over her, no matter how fickle, I’d keep doing whatever she wanted me to.
She’d make a big show of saying she was mine and buy the trinkets to prove it, but when it came to it, she’d only obey harmless orders and try to pull my strings the rest of the time.
She had no marks on her neck for nearly a whole summer despite her begging me to several times, and just the sight of it now, completely bare except for my necklace, soon to be joined by another, made me want to throw it all away and mark her whole body like I did before.
I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to hurt her.
I don’t know why only Sendai-san made me feel like this.
She was mine, and I wouldn’t let her be anyone else’s, and I’d keep telling her and she'd keep saying it back. But keeping her all to myself, hoarding every part of her, caging and leashing her like this so that she saw no one but me – that came with a responsibility. That meant I should also be the one to make sure she didn't get hurt, that she was happy and safe, that she was sleeping and eating enough and not pushing herself too hard, and I was afraid, in a way, that this made me hers as well.
I didn’t want to be hers, but I still didn’t want to hurt her.
My lips touched her neck repeatedly, leaving only kisses, fighting the urge to dig my teeth in. I stroked the soft, unblemished skin once, twice, until the collar in my hand grew heavy with all its implications and I decided it was time to finally pass it on.
“You can go a bit tighter than this,” Sendai-san said when I first tried to pull on the strings. If my teeth couldn’t dig into her flesh anymore, I was at least glad that my collar could, so I did as I was told, pulling the collar slightly tighter around Sendai-san’s neck.
“Does it hurt?”
“No. You can go tighter,” she said again.
Confused, I pulled the string another half a notch, only for her to say again “Tighter.”
“Sendai-san, you’re barely breathing as it is.”
“I like it.” I couldn’t see her face, but her voice sounded weirdly hazy, so I ignored whatever complicated feeling her last statement roused in me and I huffed and pulled the string back to where it was before.
“What, not breathing? Promise me you won’t go and tighten it up again when I’m not looking.”
“Okay, okay.”
Unsatisfied, I turned Sendai-san around to face me again.
“Promise to the earring, Sendai-san. You’re mine, so I get to decide how tight it is every time, okay?”
“What do you mean, every time?”
“You’re going to need my permission to take it off, as well as my permission to put it on. I’ll decide when, where, and how you’ll wear it.”
“Even if it’s in front of people? Or at work, or in college?”
It was hard to tell what she was hoping my answer would be, but I didn’t want to make any trouble for Sendai-san, and I also didn’t want anyone else to see a version of Sendai-san that only I should get to see.
“Of course not. It’ll be just when we’re in the house. Sleeping in it will be way too dangerous, but please come to me first thing when you’re awake or back home so I can put it on you, and I’ll let you out when you need to go anywhere.”
“So you’ll be keeping it?”
“I’ll be keeping it,” I confirmed, and though the corners of Sendai-san’s lips turned down ever so slightly at the idea, really, she should have seen it coming. It only made sense that since she was the one to buy it for me, I’d be the one keeping it and putting it on and taking it off of her as I pleased.
As if to convey that, I stroked the straps I’d just tied, my fingers accidentally sliding onto the warm skin underneath.
As if feeling the flutter in my chest, Sendai-san chose that moment to lean into me and kiss my earring.
“Alright, I promise.”
But she didn’t move away immediately. Her lips lingered above my ear as if waiting for something, her breath hitting the side of my neck repeatedly, and the smell of my own shampoo, which was hers as well, washed over me.
I say my shampoo, but it wasn’t even mine originally. I wasn’t the one pushing her to smell like me as some convoluted way of marking my territory – she brought it up, and I just let her without putting up any resistance. We’d finished several bottles of her shampoo already, and I’d never even suggested that she try mine too to make it fair, nor did she seem particularly interested in taking turns. It was always her pulling me along, yet here she was now, acting like she was obediently waiting for my permission to do whatever it is she wanted to do.
It pissed me off.
“Are you going to do anything, or are you just wasting my time?”
Sendai-san didn’t move back an inch. “Do you want me to do anything?”
“Very funny. Now that we’ve figured out how this thing works, take it off and go back to your room. It’s late.”
It was getting pretty late, and though my birthday thankfully fell on a weekend this year, so we didn’t have to worry about college in the morning, I was feeling hazy enough that my fingers couldn’t seem to get a good grip on the collar’s buckle and they slipped and slid over the tag with my name instead. The sight of it, which Sendai-san probably meant to be complimentary, seemed to mock me, and I ran my fingers down again for good measure as if to rub off the threat it posed to me.
I’d only taken half of her name, the one represented by the moon charm. Why did she need all of mine?
“Wait, there’s more,” Sendai-san said, finally moving back as I wanted her to, but only just enough to grab the wrapping her gift came in. “You didn’t think I bought you a collar without a leash, did you?”
“I don’t – need—”
“You do, see – you can hold it in your hand, or wrap it around your wrist like this, and if you tug on it – try it. Make me do something.”
The leash she placed into my hand might’ve felt lighter than the collar, but that was only until she hooked it in place. Even in a room as small as mine, the sound it made echoed horribly, and I had to shy away from Sendai-san's eyes peering into me – so I gave the collar a tentative tug just to get her off my back, which obviously didn’t work.
“That’s it?”
“I don’t think I can make you do anything you don’t already want to do, Sendai-san.”
“Try me. Let me prove I’m yours, Miyagi.”
“I don’t have anything I want you to do.”
“Really? Not one thing? But you’re meant to command me.”
She kept staring at me, and I couldn’t keep looking away, because my eyes would just fall on the tag with my name, or on the leash connecting us, and, surrounded by her scent, I'd just do something stupid.
“Sendai-san, go to your room.”
She was so close now she could probably kiss me and blame it on having lost her balance, but she didn’t. She didn’t move an inch past where I wanted her to be, but she didn’t pull away, either, despite my words.
“I’m in your hands, Miyagi. Whatever you want me to do, you can make me do it. And if you want me to go to my room, you’ll have to stand up and pull me along.”
She didn’t usually push me this far, so if she hadn't backed down yet, she likely never would. And it’s true that this was, in the end, a silly matter to argue about – if I truly wanted her gone and for the game to end, it was as easy as getting up and leading her away as she said. It might have been a bit of a bother, but it would put a definitive end to a situation that was sure to only escalate.
Even knowing that, I couldn’t bring myself to stand up.
I didn’t know if I wanted her to go. Confronted with the opportunity to get her to do anything, I felt like I wanted her close to me, but whether it was a good idea to follow up on it or not was a whole other matter. I prayed she’d leave of her own accord so I didn’t have to find out.
But Sendai-san was never merciful to me, and she knew that if my authority over her was called into question, I’d have no choice but to meet her halfway.
Not as if I was giving in, but as a perfectly calculated gesture, my eyelids dropped and I leaned forward just enough to peck her lips.
She whined at me pulling away, a cute, high-pitched sound in the back of her head as she followed suit. Even yet, her lips still hovered over mine, waiting for permission that she knew would never come.
The sudden thought hit me that I wanted her to beg.
I wanted to test how far her obedience went when I stayed put and didn’t give her an inch. I wanted her to give up all pretense and be brutally, pathetically honest with me about what it was that she was after, so that I could deny her and gain the upper hand on our relationship again. There was a difference between collaring someone and being graciously allowed to hold their leash, and because I was late to the former, now I was stuck with the latter. Though this was supposed to be a gift for me, I had no true claim to it, and Sendai-san might just as well take it back from me if she so chose. Whenever I tugged on her, the collar just tightened around my own neck instead.
“Sendai-san, get on your knees.”
I took care not to accidentally choke her by giving her a warning instead of just pulling her down all of a sudden, and Sendai-san went down so easily, never taking her eyes off me the entire time. The intense eye contact was only slightly more uncomfortable than the new position should be, and she kept looking eagerly up at me even when I tilted her head up further to connect our lips again.
The kiss was longer this time, in no small part due to Sendai-san brushing her lips against mine repeatedly and going back for more whenever I tried to pull away. I instinctively flinched when a different sort of heat prodded at my mouth, but even that didn’t deter her in the slightest, licking my lips until I granted her access.
It used to be that I’d stop Sendai-san from doing anything at all to me, but these days, I was finding it easier and less time-consuming to just go along with her when it didn’t directly inconvenience me. Even now, while I did have the power to stop her, I didn’t really mind her kissing me, and her warmth felt nice. Sendai-san would probably tire herself out eventually, and I’d sleep more easily having had the chance to soak in her a bit more.
She still didn’t seem anywhere close to being satisfied, though. Despite my tongue barely flicking up to meet hers, she kept exploring the inside of my mouth with unheard-of intentionality, and when I felt one of her hands touching my cheek I flinched instinctively, breaking the kiss.
Sendai-san’s reaction was slow, as if still in a daze. Her eyes opened ever-so-slightly to peer up at me, but she never dropped her hand entirely, fingers just curling in on themselves in resignation.
“Can I touch you, Miyagi?”
It’s not that I disliked Sendai-san touching me. Generally speaking, I didn’t dislike anything that Sendai-san did to me, and when I did, it was less about the thing itself and more about the time or place. Even now I was just surprised, because she’d seemed so reluctant to start things on her own terms that I wasn’t expecting to feel the sudden heat on my cheeks. But if I hadn’t wanted Sendai-san to touch me, I would have tied her hands up first thing. The fact that I didn’t should have already told Sendai-san everything she needed to know, but she seemed intent on putting me in the uncomfortable position of having me spell out everything for her, and I didn’t want her to think I was begging for it if I told her it was okay to touch me.
“If you get carried away, I’m bringing out the towel.”
She didn’t seem excessively worried about the threat, as she immediately proceeded to trail her hands down my neck to rest on my upper back, where she raked her nails lightly.
“You can gag me too, if you want.”
“I’m not going to do that.”
I had no interest in making Sendai-san into nothing more than a body pillow, just for me to do with as I saw fit, and honestly, I found the prospect a bit creepy.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to explain this to her, because no sooner was I done talking than she clung to me again to trail her lips down my neck. I think it was clear to her as well that I really had no part in this – that despite me directing her, or giving the appearance of guiding her by running my hand through her hair a bit, or moving her head away when she stayed on one spot for too long, this was something I was letting her do, rather than the other way around.
Her kisses were lingering and soft, as if to give me enough time to object to anything I might find repulsive, and her touch was just the same – slow and unhurried and careful not to push any button. The tips of her fingers crawled down my spine, occasionally digging tighter to pull me close, and reached the hem of my shirt, which, having been given ample time to reject her, her hands lethargically slipped under and started stroking my burning hot skin.
I appreciated her taking care not to cross my boundaries for once – though the way her eyes went completely blank whenever a tug reminded her of the collar around her neck made me think it was for her own sake, rather than mine – and it’s not like I wanted her to be rougher. I was just so used to Sendai-san being aggressive and me having to fend off her attacks that this felt weirdly unnatural, and also made it harder not to think. Right now, I was painfully aware of where Sendai-san’s hands were, and where they’d be going next, and where I wanted them to be, yet I couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it because my preserved rationality only afforded me with a lack of courage.
I could push her down right now and be the one running my hands all over her body. I could leave marks even in visible places to stand for the collar so that even those people at her college or at Mio’s café or on the street, who will never see her as I see her now, and even without knowing what the necklace I gave her means, will know someone has already laid claim to her. I could make good use of that claim right now and have Sendai-san any way I wanted, and she would let me, too. She lets me do almost anything I want to her, and all I had to do was pick one thing and run with it.
Sendai-san, however, clearly was in a different state of mind and had different plans. She’d never been particularly shy about obeying my orders, but at least at first, when I asked her to lick any part of my body, she’d be much more calculating about it, like the only reason she was listening to me was because she was bored. On a really good day, I’d get to see her show signs of reluctance; on a bad one, she’d turn whatever I said into a chance to flip the cards on me and tease me relentlessly. I remember being terrified by Sendai-san even as she was reportedly under my thumb, because I could never tell what she was really thinking. That’s not to say that I wasn’t still scared now, but it was for an entirely different reason – namely, that she’d gone from hesitatingly trailing her tongue down my neck to licking any inch of skin I directed her towards with an eagerness that nearly overwhelmed me.
She knew better than to undress me entirely, but she’d rolled the end of my shirt up to right under my bra and was now licking a stripe down my torso, the sliminess making me jump out of my skin. Even with her touch being so light and leaving no marks, it was almost more than I could handle, to the point that my brain started thinking maybe, just maybe, if she bit down on me and suckled just once, that would make it better – ground me, rather than pull all my strings taut – but then Sendai-san reached so low she mouthed over the top of my zipper seemingly without even realizing it, and spread my legs open to settle on her shoulders, and that's when I tugged at the leash so roughly and suddenly it was a miracle I didn’t choke all the air out of her.
“I didn’t say you could do that.”
Immediately, Sendai-san got the hint and tore her lips off me like my skin was burning her, though she kept looking at me with the same weirdly dazed look in her eyes. Keeping on doing what she was doing didn’t seem to be as pleasing a prospect for her as getting my approval, and the hand clutching the leash twitched, trying to hold back from tugging just so I could see that look dawn on her again.
“Then say it’s okay.”
“Not tonight,” I said, trying to pull her head back from the distracting place it was still burrowed in. Asking me for orders just defeated the whole purpose. I didn't want to order her around just because she asked, and I wasn’t the one taking orders from her anyway.
“Why not tonight?”
“‘Cause you’re going to do something weird, Sendai-san, and that’s not how I want to remember this day.”
Everyone had a birthday, and unfortunately, so did I, so there was no escaping from making this day special despite my better wishes. Years from now, when college was done and Sendai-san and I were no longer living together, I’d inevitably be forced to remember a time where we celebrated together and not a single piece of round cake was left. I may have come to accept it, but I didn’t want to add further weight upon it if I could help it.
Sendai-san, however, was still way too close to me. While I might have pulled her head back, her positioning hadn’t changed – she was still kneeling between my legs, hands gripping my thighs, and I startled when she randomly nuzzled me with a far-off look that went right through me.
“You’re so tense, Miyagi,” she murmured against me, and seeing as words would not stop her and my own body wasn’t listening to me, she continued undisturbed with her ministrations, leaving kisses on the uncovered skin under the hem of my shorts that did nothing to ease my worries and only confirmed her words further.
My answer came through gritted teeth, pissed off that even on my birthday, even as she was collaring herself for me, she was so comfortable taking these liberties. “It’s your fault, Sendai-san.”
“I’ll fix it. You can make me do anything, you know.” Though it should be against the rules, she shot up to her feet so fast that her knees audibly cracked, but she looked entirely unfazed. Now that we were face to face, her whole focus seemed to be on making things even harder for me by snaking her hands up my sides and back and getting close enough to whisper in my ear, letting me feel her every breath. “Can you tell me what you want, Miyagi?”
I could barely muster up the strength to be annoyed at how the cards had been turned on me, because all my energy was now focused on withstanding Sendai-san’s assaults. If I kept saying no to everything, she probably would just get tired of me being uncooperative and leave the room, perhaps wondering all the while if letting me hold her leash had been a good idea in the first place, since I clearly didn't even know what to do with it. She was clearly somewhat attached to me, but if I didn't live up to her expectations, even she could get tired of me. Maybe she'd find someone else to give her orders, and her half of the round cake would start ending up in the trash before our last year of college had gone by.
So I could probably handle her touching me a bit, as long as I remembered not to get too into it. But Sendai-san was so close, and so warm, and all I wanted was for her to be even closer. Our only point of contact right now was her hands on my skin, and while I appreciated her taking things as slow as she had when she had already overwhelmed my senses so much, I think if I had her in my arms, soft and mine and not going anywhere, I could breathe easy again.
At the very least, Sendai-san seemed to have caught on to my nervousness, though she didn’t exactly try to assuage it. “That’s okay. It’s what the leash is for. Just tug on it if you need.” And before starting her torturous descent, a whisper: “Don’t worry, I won’t make you lose your mind,” followed by another kiss to my earring.
She did, however, turn the lights off without me even asking, and though the sudden plunge into darkness was somewhat reassuring, it let me know exactly what Sendai-san was about to do.
Whenever Sendai-san talked about this happening again, she seemed to imply wanting to do to me what I got to do to her. I’d denied her so many times already that this was a long time coming, and while I was still scared out of my mind, I’d been ready for it for a while now. There’s only so long you can keep delaying the inevitable, and eventually, you start to wonder if you even want to keep delaying it at all.
But Sendai-san was cruel. She could have just taken responsibility and taken charge, and no matter how much I kicked and screamed, she should have known to keep going. Instead she was forcing everything on me so that nothing could be held against her – so that anything that happened to me tonight was going to be my own fault. And while I was prepared for her to cash in on her previous promise, I didn’t expect her to try to do stuff even I never did to her.
– Well, not directly, at least.
But that was Sendai-san. One could be forgiven for wanting to taste every part of her, even the remnants that stuck to my fingers – but for Sendai-san to want to do the same to me, especially unprompted, would be unthinkable.
And yet, that is what was happening.
It felt like being licked by fire, both on the inside and the outside of myself. I was never indifferent to Sendai-san, but tonight, my body reacted to her catastrophically. I was so sensitive to every little touch and every slight flick of the tongue that my brain was desperately fighting off its oncoming shutdown just to yell at me to get away, something I was physically unable to do. Whenever I tried, my body would shut me out and, as if to spite me, would only cling to Sendai-san further.
A wave of terrible anxiety washed over me, building up faster and more intense than I thought should be normal. I needed Sendai-san to pull away, and I needed her to release me, and while I was still trying to figure out which option would come out on top in my head, my hand moved on its own and tugged frantically at Sendai-san. Even I didn’t know what I was hoping to get from that – I guess, maybe, for Sendai-san to understand what I needed better than I did. But she just stopped what she was doing, leaned her cheek on my thigh, and looked up at me carefully.
“Was that too much?”
The urging feeling in the background should’ve been receding by now – but it wasn’t. It had just been frozen, like a hunger that had nothing to satisfy it anymore, and was all the more frustrating for it. No, this was beyond frustration – painful. Though she wasn’t touching me anymore, and that should have been enough to get me back to normal, my insides still felt painfully, awfully twisted up.
“Uh, yeah,” I muttered, not knowing how to even explain what was wrong with me. There was a raspy quality to my voice that I barely recognized. “Just – wait for a bit.”
Sendai-san just smiled and, uncaring to my plight, started pressing soft kisses to my thighs. “You’re cute, Miyagi.”
It was something Sendai-san said a lot, and in her defense, I think Sendai-san was trying to be soothing, but I wish she wouldn’t joke around at a time like this. Even her kisses, which I might've thought were meant to wind me down, didn't seem to be having their intended effect, probably because of their positioning, and so I was forced to pull Sendai-san up and to her feet, with the unintentional consequence of now having to look her in the eyes.
I don't know what she saw on my face. I felt raw like an open wound, all exposed skin left to be battered by the elements and no stitches to put me back together, and if Sendai-san looked at me for too long that wound would fester and sink deep into my flesh. Could I choose, I would have wanted to turn the lights off so I could not be stared at, but I didn't think I could stand on my feet to reach the remote, nor could I ask Sendai-san to move and get it for me. She might have not been physically holding me up, but if she stopped touching me, even if just for one second, something deep inside me, so deep that even I couldn't reach it, would irreparably break.
So when Sendai-san was startled into looking up, brow furrowed with worry but eyes still soft and patient and understanding, and asked “Enough?”, all I could do was pull her even closer to me – nails digging into her back, head burrowed into her shoulder, teeth straining not to bite into the soft flesh and claim it before it slipped away for good. There’s not a doubt in my mind that, if I wanted to do it, Sendai-san would let me, and in fact, she was whispering things to me that I couldn’t make out, but that sounded a lot like goading – but no matter how much she’d begged me to mark her lately, I know it wouldn’t make a difference. A necklace wouldn’t make her mine, and a collar and leash wouldn’t make her mine, and covering her body in marks would only cause her unnecessary pain before they, too, faded and left me to my agony.
But maybe just one, something small that wouldn’t hurt her too badly, would at least bring me some of the relief I was craving. Two, maybe, just to keep her pliant, or three for good measure, followed by me taking Sendai-san’s hand and guiding it down my body to keep it from wandering where it didn’t belong.
“Shhh,” Sendai-san whispers, cutting through a whiny voice which I’d assumed to be Sendai-san’s but realized now was actually resonating in the back of my head. “I’ll make you feel better, okay?”
I nodded – not because I genuinely believed her words to be true, but because the opposite would have been unbearable. There was something tearing me apart from the inside out, and I had no idea what to do about it or how to even address it, but surely Sendai-san would know. She seemed to know everything about me, even the things I didn’t outright tell her or didn’t want her to know, so if anyone could dig deep inside me and touch me enough to fix me, it would be Sendai-san.
So, I just let her do whatever she wanted.
The ache was much worse than any embarrassment I could’ve felt, and my body responded to Sendai-san so easily, so embarrassingly quick, that in no time at all every thought of shame was driven out of my head and I could only lean into her touch, desperate for something I didn’t even know, but had to trust her to provide – nails and teeth raised and digging into her as if that would hurry on the process.
Sendai-san, without pausing her ministrations for one second, kept asking me what it was that I wanted, asking me to use my words, but all that left my mouth was just a plea for a generalized more, and I didn’t care about the what or how, so long as she freed me. So when she stroked my hair gently and told me “I’m going to do what you did to me, alright?”, I did not push back. Even the pain I was expecting to feel came as little more than an uncomfortable twinge, and even that dulled down so easily, immediately replaced by a pleasant fluttering as she pierced the walls I’d fought so uselessly hard to put up.
Granted, Sendai-san was always so gentle with me – much more than I ever was with her, or with her feelings. But I hope that, when I did this to her, she felt the same. Even though she told me right away that it was okay, I hope my selfish desires didn’t hurt her, not even slightly, and that I made her feel just as good as I felt right now.
She felt so, so close to me like this, like we were somehow entangled together – like I couldn’t believe we were ever separate, and would be separate again when all of this was over. I clung to her so, so tightly – endlessly goaded on by the slow, yet steady movement of her fingers and her soft sighs in my ear, kindly shushed whenever my voice reached too high – and just as I felt myself start to unravel, legs shaking so bad I couldn’t keep them wrapped around Sendai-san’s waist anymore, Sendai-san stopped abruptly again.
“Oops. That was close, wasn’t it?”
She didn’t pull away this time – in fact, she stayed so unbearably close to me that, in the state I was in, even just the sound of her rapid breathing was making my body shake all over, to the point that Sendai-san had to hold me down just to keep me from hurting myself. But it didn’t work.
It hurt. It hurt so bad, more than any pang of humiliation and more than anything I could’ve been afraid of her doing to me, my insides so painfully tight and twisted up I couldn’t get any airflow to my lungs. Sendai-san immediately turning to peppering kisses all over my face, like she did my thighs earlier, was met by me swatting at her unsuccessfully in a miserable display of exhaustion.
“But don’t worry, I remember my promise.”
I probably would have believed the tone of concern, could I not also feel the shape of a smirk pressed against my skin.
Sendai-san had promised not to make me lose my mind, something I’d already confessed to be terrified by, and she can’t break any promise made to the earrings, no matter what. Usually, her determination to keep her word to me would have been nothing short of commendable, and even somewhat uncharacteristic – but Sendai-san had another concurrent promise to abide by, which was to obey my wishes.
Because it was my birthday. Because the name on her collar was my own. Because I was the one to hold her leash.
But even without all of that, because she was mine – and while I might have needed the jewellery on her neck and ears to remind me, she was never allowed to forget.
So, cutting off her cooing, I took her hand back.
She looked up at me innocently.
“Yes, Miyagi?”
I know she wanted me to beg. I know that’s what this was all about, and not the nonsense she was spouting about wanting to please me and to prove she was completely mine. I expected nothing less from Sendai-san, and yet, everytime I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, she turned out to only be playing me for her own amusement. That is why I could not give her what she wanted, and why, no matter how strung up I was, I refused to play her games.
I’d make sure she’d regret her choice of wear tonight, but before that, I had another matter to take care of, and I couldn’t deal with it by myself – it had to be Sendai-san. Were it my own hand touching me as she does, I would have felt nothing; were it anyone else, I would have despised it with every inch of my being and, probably, forcibly scratched my skin off.
But because it was Sendai-san, and because I was already so worked up, it didn’t take long at all. She just held me close to her as I shook and shook, fingers brushing through my hair until my breathing and the beat of my heart had somewhat calmed down.
When I came to again, my back was against the mattress and Sendai-san was over me – not covering me in kisses like before, but just letting me take comfort in her presence. From the bone-deep ache keeping me from moving a muscle, and my nails digging into Sendai-san’s clothes hard enough to year holes in them, I could infer that it wasn’t her who’d pushed me down, but me who’d fallen back and dragged Sendai-san along. I buried my head into her again, taking in the last of her warmth and softness before I had no excuse for it anymore – waiting, surrounded by Sendai-san, for the haze to dispel and for me to be able to push her away again.
I know the more we did this, the more dangerous it would become. It already felt so different from the first time we’d done this, like I kept slipping further and further and, one of these days, I wouldn’t be able to come back.
But usually, this would be enough. Usually, I’d get it out of my system, wait for the awkwardness to pass, and just go on as normal for the next few months until the need became unbearable again. Usually, after something like this, it would cease, and I’d be able to think about something that wasn’t Sendai-san again.
The haze did not dispel.
“Sendai-san.”
“Mmh?”
She felt so warm in my arms, voice all roughened up by exhaustion, that this didn’t feel so impossible to ask. Her breath on my neck could’ve lulled me to sleep, and she pressed even closer to me, rubbing against me like she wanted me to hold her – so, I did. Feeling her relax against me almost instantaneously only solidified my resolve.
“If I told you to wear that collar under your clothes sometimes, would you?”
I’d already said I wouldn’t, and I was under no illusion that it would make things better – but maybe it would help, just a little. Maybe, if no physical marker was enough to sate me, flashing physical markers at others would quell at least some of the ache I felt at the thought of having to share Sendai-san’s existence with anyone else.
“Would that make you happy, Miyagi?”
I felt her nosing at the nook of my neck, where beads of my sweat were still pooling down.
“No,” I murmured – and, with what little of my strength I’d regained, I rolled her over.
She did say that, so long as she still wore that collar, she was under compulsion to do what I wanted. And if I had any say in it, she was in for a long, frustrating night.