Chapter Text
Entry Number 1
I fucking hate journaling but I know if I don't start this now, I may never regain myself. I am doing this for the good of the community. For us. For Rick, Carl, Michonne, Daryl, Glenn, Maggie, Carol, Morgan, Judith, Sasha. For Abraham, Rosita, Eugene, Tara, even fucking Father Gabriel. I am doing this to keep what we have gained, so all is not lost.
I don’t even know what day it is. I would have to ask Eugene or Morgan. I can barely remember the year.
The beginning of the end started in May of 2013. Glenn and Shane found me atop a tour bus in late June and Rick joined us shortly thereafter. Its nearly summer again, so if I had to chance a guess its been almost three years. Three years seems a lifetime ago, like a misty veiled dream. Judith wasn’t even alive three years ago. Carl was only 12. Lori and Shane and Jim and all the others were still alive.
Rick and I have been through it all together. As silly as it sounds, he leans on me far too much for my liking. But hes been the best friend I never thought I needed. We’ve gone on runs together, been holed up in smelly stores, lost family and friends. He brings me up and encourages me to be my best, while I reel him back when hes too much.
At least that’s how it was before....Before Negan and his men rolled into our Safe Zone and claimed our shit. And before Negan noticed me.
Rick sold me out.
They who give up liberty for temporary safety deserve neither. I believed in that quote with all the fierceness in my heart. But that was before. Now safety is no longer a guarantee like it was in the Old World. Its the New World and shit just got serious.
When we came to Alexandria we were war weary, nearly beaten. And then Deanna gave us hope. As much as I internally scorned the Alexandrians, I envied them and their careless way of living, their freedom. Where the worst problem was not enough chocolate in their rations. I knew it would be hard for us to adjust. Even I grated my teeth at times, though I tried to be kind. When you've lived on the outside long enough, it becomes who you are. It begins to define you. Michonne swears it's not true, but I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. Everyday since I jumped into the Anacostia River has been further and further from who I thought I was. My ideals and morals have changed fundamentally.
Oh, at first I was righteous. I told Dale that I would never do anything that I considered crossing a line. Which I suppose is still true, but now the line is being drawn further and further from my humanity. I never thought I could kill an innocent person and not think twice about it. I always upheld the law, discouraged chaos. Now I was a cruel killing machine with little to no remorse for those who stood in the way of my family. Or maybe this is who I always was, I just never knew it. But deep down inside, there is still a part of me who won't cross the line I've drawn. The line stands between me and letting everyone else perish to save myself. That is the current line, of course.
I'm rambling. Back to Alexandria.
We were feral, wild animals brought into the zoo for preservation. Deanna thought we could help the Alexandrians cope with the outside world. They were soft, reminding me of our campsite days. Dale dozing in his chair on the RV, his rifle slanted in his lap. Shane kicking the CB, cursing it for not working. Glenn darting in and out of the city for supplies. Sophia and Carl doing lessons with Carol and Lori. Those days were the soft, golden glow which I could have lived on forever. These days were bleak and gray, two days after a winter storm in DC, with slush and blackened snow piled vulgarly on the sides of the road.
Of course the safe zone was safe. Until it wasn’t and the walls came down. We fought off the horde, but lost a lot of good men and women that day, innocents, green as grass, as well as those who had succumbed to the Wolves earlier. But we pushed through and through and through. Just like we did at the prison. Its only a matter of time before this place is turned into the prison, overrun and empty of the living. It's only a matter of time before I'm the prison, an empty shell that once held hope, happiness and love. And it's all because of Rick.