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I love you. I love you. I love you. It rang like the bells of a thousand churches. It was suffocating like nothing else. Over and over, whipping back and forth. What was he to do? The moment Jayce had told him those nasty words, ‘I love you’, he felt vertigo. It wasn’t right, none if it was. How could Jayce think that about him? After all they’ve done together? He couldn’t bring himself to say it back or respond, for that matter. They were partners, he wouldn’t do that to Jayce. Poor, sweet Jayce, who just wanted to love and help people. It was laughable that someone as wonderful as him could love something so sickening as Viktor.
The days after Jayce’s brutal confession began to blur together. Every waking moment was spent in the void of Viktor’s own mind. The inky blackness of the void gave him comfort like a mother would her child. It granted him a small reprieve from the coldness of the real world. So often, Viktor stayed in the empty solitude of disassociation. Jayce would see him staring off into space and ask if he was alright. Viktor never said he wasn’t, it didn’t feel like a lie. He just hadn’t particularly felt anything for some time now. Viktor hardly felt it was Jayce’s fault he was like this. It seemed to occur all his life, ever since he was a small child playing by himself near the stream. When he felt sad or lonely, or just didn’t want to perceive the world, he would retreat into his mind. Although more and more now he found himself shying away from everyday life. Being around Jayce no longer gave him the joy it once did; now, all he felt was numbness and anhedonia. When Jayce confessed to Viktor that he felt they could be more than lab partners, Viktor nearly choked on his breath.
It was sudden and brash. Jayce seemed a little more than tipsy after returning from whatever charity, fundraiser, or whatever it was he did to gain funding. Viktor knew there was no shortage of champagne at those things, and Jayce was no stranger to finding company in a drink. The moments before, Jayce was happy and only slightly slurring his words. Viktor might have found it endearing up until Jayce told him those three words. I love you. It took Viktor a moment to process what Jayce had just said to him. I love you. What? I love you. No, that wasn’t what he said, was it? He couldn’t do that to him. Not now; they had so much to do. Prototypes to work on, funds to gather, meetings to attend. This isn’t right. Jayce is drunk, people say stupid things when they’re drunk. It’s normal, he won’t even remember it in the morning.
“I’m serious, Viktor. I mean, we’ve been working together, practically living together, for years.” That didn’t make sense. “It’s late, Jayce. You’ve had too much to drink. I will see you in the morning.” He tried to seem indifferent, like what Jayce said didn’t strike his very core. “I didn’t drink that much. I know what I feel, Viktor.” Oh, Jayce was annoyed now. That meant he would regret what he said. Good, the quicker Jayce cut his losses, the better. He didn’t deserve someone like Viktor dragging him down. That moment was barely comprehensible anymore, it felt like he was watching something while underwater. Hard to make out in the distance. Viktor wanted to say something that night, maybe an apology, maybe even comforting Jayce. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was a coward, barely human. Nature chewed on him. He let Jayce leave empty-handed and hardly offered a greeting the next day. There was no point remembering it; what was done was done, and Jayce would find someone else to hold his affections. Someone better, someone worthy. Jayce spent more time out of the lab, away from Viktor. He tried not to care but the guilt, the shame. It ate at him like an animal starved. No matter how much Viktor wanted to scream and cry and tell Jayce he loved him too, he couldn’t. His body wouldn’t allow it, it was a weakness.
He didn’t need Jayce’s love; he didn’t need anyone. He got this far on his own and would fight tooth and nail to stay that way; all that Viktor cared about was being safe. Safe from the harm and pain the world caused. Safe from the pain of loving so deeply. Viktor knew if Jayce understood, if he found out how Viktor felt, it would ruin everything he worked for. Viktor was a sick man; he wanted to sink his teeth into Jayce’s skin until it bled, and they were stuck forever. Viktor knew he was too much for anyone, his love was intense and sharp. Jayce just wanted a sweet fling to laugh and go on dates with. Something Viktor was not accustomed to. When Jayce found out how Viktor really was, he would run and never look at him again. Viktor wasn’t afraid, he was protecting himself and Jayce from intensity, the obsession.
At night, when Viktor rolled up his pant leg and found comfort in the sharpness of a scalpel and the sticky warmth of his blood, he almost felt...sacrificial. He was sacrificing parts of himself for protection. Jayce was safe, and that's all that mattered. The sting was temporary if it meant the safety of his loved ones. I love you. Viktor yearned for it to stop, for the distant burn of memory to stop, let him rest. Day in and out, he worked and worked until exhaustion gripped his bones. He had to keep going, he had to protect himself from the memory. He knew it would hurt to push and pull at his very being like this, but it was necessary. Jayce would never find out about the deep, dark pit inside Viktor, he would be safe and sound in the comfort of illusion. Viktor would continue to work like nothing had ever happened, and eventually, it would fade away, like Jayce never said those three words to him at all. I love you.