Chapter Text
Gadris had only ever known the cold.
He had seen out his earliest years in the northernmost territory of Skyrim— on the island of Solstheim where winters were long and harsh and Summers were but a fleeting moment. In his teen years, he was sent to the College of Winterhold to begin his career in conjuration magics where it was no less cold than his first home. Perhaps even colder for its distance from Red Mountain. Finally, he had uprooted and moved to the rocky, desolate lands of Rivenspire in Highrock to join the Mages Guild at their headquarters.
Coldharbour had been no different. Maybe with an extra layer of terrifying and painful but ultimately it was all a very familiar environment to Gadris; all snow flurries and sharp rocks and clouded skies. What he had not been expecting was to find warmth amongst the stone cold crags and unending prisons.
They had arrived in Coldharbour in a group of fifteen. The armies of the Mages Guild and the Fighters Guild had been separated, strewn across the entirety of Molag Bal’s realm and into the waiting arms of the daedra, both lesser and greater. Gadris’s group of fifteen, mostly middle and upper level professors in the Guild, had ended up as both experiment and plaything in the laboratories. All manner of invasive procedure and spell had been cast upon them. Most did not make it. By the time that the daedra had lost interest and allowed two of them to escape, Gadris had ended up bound to another, two souls and seemingly one body. The specifics eluded him and the procedure had been a blur. One moment they were waiting in the prisons in chains and the next they were being hauled into some sort of chamber filled with dozens of a kind of stone he had never seen before in all his career as a conjurer. Perhaps it was a kind of soul gem. It didn’t matter. The daedra laughed as they turned a switch, filled his and another body with electricity until it felt as if every square inch of him was being stretched apart and put back together.
It hurt. It hurt like nothing he had ever felt before and likely would never feel again.
Gadris awoke later in the prison and immediately knew he was not alone. Inside of his head felt crowded, filled with the shape of someone else’s thoughts, someone else’s soul, all fur and claws and in the shape of someone he knew but was not well acquainted with. That was the moment his body was no longer his own and he sank back into the recesses of the other’s mind, watching without control as hands came up to examine themselves, claws and white-grey fur glinting in the ambient purple light of Coldharbour.
Jo’Zur Baravandi, preferring to be called just “Zur,” was an alchemist and Gadris was a conjurer so their paths had never truly crossed before. Sure, they had seen each other amongst the halls of the Mages Guild in Rivenspire and had even sat at the same long table during meetings for those in the same level at the Guild, mid level professors. But they had never spoken and hardly acknowledged each other.
Now they were bound, for better or for worse.
The rest of their days in Coldharbour had been troubled. They fought and squabbled, mostly over petty things. Their personalities did not mesh but maybe that was for the best, considering that even despite their differences, they still had trouble keeping their personalities separate. Eventually they had began to deteriorate, body cramping with exhaustion, clearly unable to handle the strain of storing two souls inside. They worked tirelessly against the clock, drawing up notes and plans and theories on how to separate themselves. It became clear that it wouldn’t be so easy. There was a possibility that one of them might die, due to the uncertainty of the body situation. As a conjurer, Gadris had been thrown for a loop. Yes, at any given moment there was just one body with two souls— this, he understood. What he didn’t understand was how they could switch between the two bodies as either soul took the reins. Of course, this level of soul work and live body switching was beyond his comprehension so he had no working theory. Something of this magnitude would be highly unethical to explore at the guild, of course.
Thus enter the Vestige. The Vestige, thank Azura for them, had found the pair, claiming to be gathering up the wayward Guild members scattered across the realm. Most of their appearance had been a blur as well since Zur had taken the reins for most of their appearance. Gadris had not complained too much about it considering it was mostly Zur’s work that was going to help them get out of this (surprisingly) and furthermore, Zur was infinitely better with people than he was (unsurprisingly.) So he tried to keep the internal yelling and nagging to a minimum, mostly just reminding Zur to keep the work space tidy and to try and take care of hazards as they occurred. Zur only listened a third of the time.
Eventually they had come to the final point. Having gathered the necessary materials and set up the conduits, they had granted the Vestige the responsibility of deciding who would live. Well, rather, the burden of deciding who would live, for the way their face had crumpled at the prospect of choosing. In that moment, Gadris had made peace with death. Yes, he considered himself of superior intellect and greater asset to the Guild but ultimately, if their souls were weighed against one another, Zur’s would be the more valuable. Despite his own words otherwise. He had known the cat intimately at this point and his heart and soul were pure. He could feel every inch of him, the love that he stored for Nirn and all its people. The curiosity and creativity it took to be one of the greatest alchemists of his age and class. Everyone who knew him, loved him, even if some were begrudged with it. Even Gadris had become fond of him and didn’t want to let him go, so he told the Vestige.
I have no more right to live than he does.
And he had meant it. The Vestige would undoubtedly choose Zur and he was fine with that.
But the hero had done something unexpected at the last minute, something not in either of their notes or plans and for a second he thought the Vestige was about to kill both of them. The look on their face was stressed and tired (they had been mowing down daedra for the past two or so hours straight, after all) as they pulled levers in a maneuver he didn’t understand but that didn’t matter as a new soul-searing pain had erupted inside of him. He felt his soul jerked to the side and peeled apart from Zur. There was screaming, likely from himself. The agony lasted two short minutes but it felt like an eternity until he woke up, face pressed against the cold stone ground. He groaned as he sat back up, looking around with bleary eyes. Still in Coldharbour. Body intact. Alive. Empty.
A deep sadness washed over him only to be immediately overtaken by relief as he laid eyes on the cat. Not a single strand of fur out of place. Zur groaned, clutching his head until he saw Gadris. With a sudden agility, Zur launched himself at Gadris, knocking him to the floor in a hug.
“Gadris, ahh, this one thought you were gone for good!” He exclaimed
Gadris laughed, genuine and free. “Alright, alright, you big cat. I’m glad you live as well…”
The war and final battle had happened so quickly after that. Apparently they had been the last group unaccounted for. He remembered following Zur through a portal, making it to the Hollow City, preparing two nights only, following the war party to aid the Vestige, Vanus Galerion, and a literal Ayleid king through hell and high water. Not everybody had survived the final blast. There had been no warning. No goodbye. Just a flash of light and suddenly they were back on Nirn. He had heard that those who went, went quickly and painlessly. Gadris had taken solace in that fact. He could not dwell on their losses. He had known too many of them.
The trip back to Rivenspire was quiet and somber. He remembered Zur taking his hand in the night as they sailed over tepid waters. They anchored each other through the grief until things returned to a new normal. Plenty of professors stayed behind. Adepts rose in rank and skill to fill the positions of those who didn’t make it. Gadris returned to his conjuration experiments (though he was considering making the switch to full time teaching, he was sick of experimentation,) and Zur returned to his alchemy classes.
Though Gadris wanted to return to normal, normal had not wanted to return to him. He wasn’t so naive that he didn’t think war would not have left its mark on him but he thought the scars were going to be physical, not mental and certainly not soul deep. Too many of his waking hours were spent recounting what had happened. The sounds, the sights, the smells, the feel of it all. Most importantly, he could not stop thinking about Zur. It had taken him a while to admit that Zur’s souls had been a light in the darkness at Coldharbour, even if they were a bit at odds.
Zur’s soul had been neither humanoid nor catlike in its physicality, in fact, it had not been an individual at all. Zur’s soul was a place. A never ending oasis surrounded by warm sands, each grain a memory of a life that had been so full of love and joy. It was a soul that could hardly contain itself; dunes growing trees and ferns, holding up buildings upon buildings, each containing people, people who held their own love, love for Zur who pulled these people in and created new structures in his soul, an infinite web of life, nurturing each other’s souls in return.
Gadris’s body had shifted and made room for Zur, his own soul melting and moving like water in a vessel about to overflow. Before the separation, he had simply thought them entangled like threads and all they had to do was untangle themselves and move on but he had been wrong. Zur’s soul being removed from his body left him not just void, but ravenous. The disappearance of those warm sands had caused a displacement in his own soul, waters heaving great and terrible waves, crashing down and creating havoc. The waters of his newly melted soul created tsunamis of emotion, leaking out of him and destroying everything in their path.
He wondered if Zur felt even a fraction of the discord that he felt. Surely not, he thought. The cat was probably happy to be free of him. Gadris’s soul surely had not felt kind. It surely did not hold the same sweet heat as Zur’s. His own soul felt small inside of his body but held a mighty cold; cold that he collected everywhere he had been in his life. He collected the snowdrift of Solstheim, Winterhold, Rivenspire, and Coldharbour inside of him and carried it wherever he went. These memories he had were not organized in a village of his loved ones but in a blizzard. His soul held snowflakes of complex life lessons he had learned, each made of unique patterns of thought, angular and symmetrically designed. He knew Zur had initially thought him stifling and strict. Gadris couldn’t imagine how much harm he had likely caused within Zur’s oasis soul.
Then, he himself had begun to hurt. Gadris felt out of control, out of his mind, exhausted, terrified, too big for his body yet still far too empty. Too prideful to admit something was wrong and that he had not begun healing from the separation, at least, not like Zur seemed to be. Zur seemed fine and Gadris felt as if he was falling apart at the seams. It was difficult to admit to himself but he could no longer deny that he was not okay and worst of all was admitting that he had no idea how to put himself back together. No idea how to fix or remedy his broken soul. Perhaps he was permanently damaged.
Gadris had spent another long and arduous day at the guild headquarters, pretending to be a whole person as he tended to his writs and responsibilities. That day, for no reason at all, had seemed to be his breaking point. Every other thought was of that Khajiit. Zur would have known what ingredient to use in this potion without having to research it. Zur would have been better at handling this client’s feelings. Is Zur awake yet? If Zur were here, he would certainly be making a mess of my notes. Zur would have found this conundrum interesting. Has Zur remembered to eat today? I wonder if Zur is looking up at this same sky right now.
At the end of the day, when the sun had set hours ago and he had finished up his last task for the day (the overly-tedious process of refilling the void salt containers in the conjuration chambers), Gadris had walked briskly through the hallways, trying not to look too much like he was having a breakdown. He had gotten some concerned stares but ultimately, no one had followed or confronted him so he counted it as a meager win. Fleeing to a more empty and unused wing of the building, his brisk walk had broke out into a run, tears blurring his vision as he searched for an open and empty room. Thankfully, just as he was about to consider dropping down and curling into a ball right there in the hallway, he found what looked to be the old infirmary room. Beds with thin, old linens lined the walls and carts of stale potions and dried out healing balms dotted the room. There were tall windows letting in streams of moonlight but thankfully no one was out at this hour and could not see in.
Gadris’s composure began to break, his thunderstorm soul breaking out of him before he could stop it. His legs took him the few feet to one of the old beds before they gave out, his body dropping like a puppet cut loose from its strings. Sobs heaved up and out, tears finally dropping from his eyes. He was certain he looked entirely undignified, crying like a child who had lost their mother but he was just so exhausted. So tired of feeling this way. He wanted to go back to the way he was before Coldharbour. Back to when he barely knew who Zur was. But he also wanted to go back to being with Zur; back to being one, despite the pain of it. He wanted Zur back inside of him, the sands of his soul warming him and anchoring his oceans. The realization made him cry harder. How was he meant to look Zur in the eyes after this? How was he meant to go back living his life normally as if he wasn’t a fraction of a whole being? Who was he ask this of Zur, to want these things from him? None of this was fair.
Gadris was not strong and he wanted Zur back and felt like the depth of this sadness was going to kill him.
⋆⁺₊⋆ ━━━━⊱༒︎ • ༒︎⊰━━━━ ⋆⁺₊⋆
Zur could not lie that the soul-meld incident had left him feeling… tumultuous.
He was under no delusion that being melded with Gadris was the preferable outcome but the space he had left behind was considerable. Furthermore, he had expected this. Firstly, when he had accepted the offer from the Mage’s Guild to join the fight against Molag Bal in Coldharbour, he had accepted the possibility that he might not come back and if he did, he might not be the same person as he was before it. Zur just hadn’t expected the change to be like this — a soul-deep scar, a numb emptiness that knocked even him off his feet. His head felt more absent than it ever had and he could feel the space that Gadris had left behind.
In the beginning, he had rather disliked the dark elf. He was pretentious and uptight, always nagging and complaining, whining about organization and pride. Gadris had greatly disapproved of Zur’s laissez-faire approach to alchemy and learning which, he admits now, was indeed dangerous but how could progress be made without a little risk? Seriously, Gadris needed to let loose a little bit. After all, greatest discoveries have always been marked down in fire and blood.
Still, the dark elf had left his mark on Zur’s soul. Zur couldn’t help but find himself infinitely more organized than he used to be— potions organized in neat rows on his shelves, ordered vertically by volatility, exactly how his mentor back in Elsweyr had taught him. Whenever he was about to perform a less than safe experiment, he found himself feeling sparks of anxiety that he never had before. Sparks that he remembered vividly from their time together.
Worst of all, he had found himself missing Gadris. In spite of how unpleasant the situation was and the fear of possibly both of them dying, having someone that close, close enough to hear your thoughts, to move around under your skin, to yourselves together… It was intimate and exhilarating . At least, to Zur it was. He wasn’t so sure Gadris felt the same at the end of it all. They did manage to come out friends at the other end of the separation so surely he felt amenable at the very least. Zur could only hope and wonder. Which was a strange devastation after being able to know exactly what the other was thinking and feeling.
Zur supposed he should be grateful. Not only were they able to miraculously both live thanks to the Vestige— divines bless his kind heart— but they had returned to the Mage’s Guild after the final battle at Coldharbour. Together. Zur was able to see Gadris on a regular basis even if it was only in passing, they were in completely different disciplines after all. Even still, the thought warmed Zur’s heart and soothed his soul. Both of them alive and safe was all he needed.
It was what had been getting him through his days after everything. Zur held onto the bits Gadris had left behind like a locket, to take out on the rainy days and remember what he kept breathing for.
And that was where he found himself when it struck on a stormy Middas night. Zur had been in the alchemy labs, preparing to spend a long night ahead putting together his lesson plans for a class of adepts tomorrow. It hit him slowly and then all at once like a hurricane, a wave of sadness and despair so strong it knocked him forward, causing him to drop the jar of refined tree sap he was holding and brace on the table. The resulting shatter of glass on the stone floor was hardly a whisper in his ear over the sound of blood rushing in his head. He gripped the table with force and tried to breathe through the feeling but it refused to pass. Zur grasped at his chest where the feeling was most prominent and felt his hackles rise, hair standing on end.
Marietta, a Breton alchemist that he had long been acquainted with at the Guild, was at his side in a moment, leaving her own station from across the room when she heard the noise.
“Zur, are you alright? Is it a potion?” She put her hands under his elbows like he was about to collapse. He supposed that was a fair question but he shook his head with great effort.
“N-No, this one was just—“ he took a few deep breaths as his voice wobbled, “just preparing the lessons for tomorrow and suddenly felt…” Zur trailed off and shook his head. He had no idea how to describe what he was feeling in a physical way. It felt like his soul was trying to eject from his body, trying to break free from the confines of his physical form. Almost like when…
It hit him what this might be about and an icy splash of fear coated his veins over the despair and he stood up straight, grabbing Marietta by the arm. She had been saying something but Zur talked over her, not having heard her in the first place.
“Have you seen Gadris today? Is he still in the conjuration chambers or has he gone back to the living quarters? Zur needs to see him.” Zur began shedding his alchemy gear, throwing his gloves on the table and yanking off his apron.
Marietta seemed stunned. “Uh, well, last I saw he had been sprinting down the main hall not too long ago but I’m not sure where he was going,” she paused. “Actually, he seemed kind of upset, is something wrong? Should I get one of the, uh, healers? One of the conjuration professors, maybe?” Her hands floated in front of her like she was calming a startled horse and Zur wondered if he had a wild look on his face. It didn’t matter. He needed to find Gadris.
“No, it is fine. This one will take care of him— ah, it. The situation. Zur will handle the situation.” He sighed and put down his supplies. “Will clean this up later. Have to go.”
His soul pulled on his insides again with force and nearly brought the Khajiit to his knees but he redirected the momentum and let his feet take him forward. Zur burst through the lab doors and took off down the alchemy and provisioning wing, not entirely sure where he was going but that he was going in the right direction. Something inside of him seemed to know exactly where he needed to be. Where Gadris was.
It was well into nighttime so only the night owls were out, and only a few of them roamed the halls. The halls themselves were quiet but outside, the storm had picked up, wind smacking loudly against the side of the building. Thankfully, any passersby would not be able to hear his labored breathing and occasional groan. Zur stalked the corridors, taking turns he had never before until he got to a hallway that had been left behind and abandoned. No torches were lit in this area but the ever-glowing magelights and lightning lit his way.
Zur slowed down, not sure which room to zero in on until he heard a faint sound behind a closed door that sounded like a small gasp.
“Gadris?” He looked into one room on the left of the hallway and then on the right, both empty. “Where are you, little ash-flower?” He mumbled quietly to himself. Zur opened door after door, hearing occasional soft gasps over the rain and was beginning to grow desperate until finally, he opened a door nearly at the end of the hallway and found what he had been searching for.
In an old room that seemingly used to be used as an infirmary, Gadris sat on his knees at the side of one of the beds, head buried in his arms, sobs shaking his frame forcefully.
“Gadris…?” Zur spoke softly, entering the room and closing the door behind him.
The elf jerked up straight with a gasp, looking at the cat with a wide eyed, frightened stare. His blood red eyes were bright and shiny with tears that spilled down over his cheeks, his gray skin splotchy. He still wore his guild uniform but his hair had been taken down and spilled down around his shoulders and back in a silvery waterfall.
“Zur…?” Gadris’s voice cracked on the single syllable and Zur’s heart ached at the sound of it. Still, relief flooded his body as he saw that Gadris seemed to be okay, despite the distress. Zur walked forward and dropped to his knees in front of the other and grabbed his face, hands on either cheek.
“Ah, little ash flower, are you alright? Zur thought… Zur felt— well…” Zur couldn’t put into words what had happened without scaring Gadris away. He already had a theory about what had happened but the other certainly would not like it. He rubbed his thumbs across Gadris’s cheeks, wiping away his tears, careful not to catch skin with his claws.
Gadris’s lips trembled and he closed his eyes. “No,” he whispered simply. “No, I am not.” Laying his hands over Zur’s wrists, he leaned forward into the touch. “I don’t know what to do, Zur.”
Zur shook his head lightly. “About what? What troubles you like this?… Has someone hurt you?” He asked gently, the tips of his fingers twitching anxiously at the last question. He couldn’t imagine what might be causing Gadris such distress other than a person.
Gadris squeezed his wrists and sucked in a sob. “No, it’s not— I-I can’t… I just can’t… ”
“Can’t? Can’t what? This one does not understand. Please, flower, let Zur help you. Let Zur handle it,” he pleaded, brushing back silver strands of hair out of Gadris’s face.
Gadris wouldn’t look him in the eyes but he seemed to be calming down, preening under Zur’s frantic touches. Tears still dripped down his face and he still gasped soft sobs. Zur sighed and pulled him forward against his chest, hoping that Gadris would allow the affection just this once without shouting at him. He brushed a hand through his long hair and let the other relax into him, sagging against his chest as the shudders died down. Gadris’s own fingers brushed over the soft tawny-white chest fur sticking out of Zur’s collar. When Gadris seemed to settle, Zur tried again.
“What is wrong, Gadris? Please… do not suffer alone. You have Zur. You always have Zur. Let Zur help.” He brushed the tips of his claws over Gadris’s back in what he hoped was a soothing manner. He was never entirely sure if smooth-skins enjoyed petting like Khajiit do to sooth each other.
Gadris sighed but didn’t pull away. Zur took it as a good sign. “I really don’t know how to explain it to you.” He paused. “After the war at Coldharbour, after everything settled, I haven’t felt… well. To put it lightly.”
Zur’s blood ran cold again. Had they been mistaken that the separation had gone without a hitch? Were there hidden after effects and symptoms that they couldn’t have accounted for? Would Gadris get worse over time? Would he wither away and leave Zur alone, truly alone this time? He unconsciously laid a hand over Gadris’s neck protectively.
Gadris pulled back but it looked as if it pained him. “It's not like— I’m not ill, Zur. At least, as far as I’m aware. I’m just…” he closed his eyes and turned his head away, seemingly embarrassed. “I guess I’m struggling to adjust after everything that’s happened. I know it’s been a few months now but…I feel… incomplete .” His voice was laden with emotion and wobbled, on the verge of tears again. “I feel broken and I don’t know what to do to fix it or if I even can.”
Zur’s heart ached and his mind supplied a thousand suggestions and questions, his analytical and curious nature wanting to find the solution through trial and error but this was too important. Gadris was too important to risk and Zur needed to get through to the heart of the matter.
“Is this… is this about… us? The separation?” Zur whispered, afraid of Gadris’s response but he needed to ask it. He needed to know.
Gadris’s shoulders dropped as he looked down, ashamed. “Yes. I think it is.”
“Oh, Gadris. My ash-flower… tell Zur what is the matter. What is truly the matter? We can work this out, together. Zur is here. Zur will never leave,” the Khajiit whispered, gently, looking the other in the eyes. “Unless, ah, unless you… need Zur to leave.” His hands slid downward, loosening their grip on Gadris’s jaw. “That is, this one supposes, he could figure something out, if you need to him to go away—“
“No!” Gadris shouted quickly, surprising both of them with the volume and squeezed Zur’s wrists again. “No… no, you don’t need to go. Stay with me, just…”
Sure nodded, enthused. “Okay. This one stays. As long as you need. Anything you need. Zur will do it. This one hates to see you in such pain. Wishes you had told him sooner, that we might work on it together,” Zur said quietly, voice likely betraying his true feelings. He was coming to a point where it didn’t matter. Gadris needed to know how much Zur cared for him.
The elf sighed. “I don’t want to put this on you, Zur. I’m not your responsibility anymore. You’ve clearly been doing fine since the incident and I don’t want to drag you into my issues.”
Zur’s brow furrowed in frustration. “How do you know? Zur is grateful that you are alive, yes, but to say that he is fine is… an over-statement. Perhaps… Perhaps this one has his own feelings about us, about what we’ve been through. Maybe you are not alone in how you feel,” he suggested.
Gadris frowned and turned away. “You have a funny way of showing it,” he snipped. “You looked happier than ever these past few months.”
Zur flinched, taken aback. “And what exactly is this one meant to say? You are the one who avoids Zur. Never look Zur in the eyes. Half of your words to Zur are insults and this one does not even know if you want to be acquaintances, let alone—“ he stopped himself, cutting off the sentence before it escaped the confines of his mind. “It is not so easy, Gadris,” he said sternly.
“You’re right, it isn’t easy. Coming back and trying to return to normal has not been easy. Pretending that I’m fine has not been easy. Coping with this— this chasm inside of me hasn’t been easy. I’m tired of this, Zur. I hurt and I want it to stop and the last thing I need is wondering where we stand! I want to be able to come to you and tell you how I truly feel!” Gadris shouted. Thunder and lightning cracked outside, lighting his silvery hair aglow, giving him a white halo. He looked divine in all his anger and Zur couldn’t help but notice how beautiful he looked, even now.
“Then tell Zur!” He shouted back. “Tell Zur what you want!” He rarely raised his voice at anyone, it strained his vocal chords and felt unnatural.
“ You!! ” Gadris shouted, grabbing the front of Zur’s tunic, shaking him lightly. “I want you , Zur! You’ve changed me irrevocably! I have never known anyone like you before. Distance between us feels like it’s physically pulling me apart. It hurts! Being away from you hurts. Being at odds with you hurts. Without you I feel… empty . I need you. I—“
Zur cut him off as he pulled Gadris forward and pressed their mouths together in a desperate kiss. All of the tension that Gadris had been holding in his body melted away into the kiss, the waters of his soul singing, waves lapping against sandy shores. Though he had never kissed someone (and granted, he hadn’t kissed often in his life) with as much fur as Zur, something about it was mind-meltingly good and Gadris never wanted to let go.
Zur pulled back and Gadris couldn’t help himself from chasing his mouth, stealing a few little kisses before pulling away as well.
Zur ran the tip of his claw over the shell of Gadris’s pointed ear, causing a strong shudder to ripple up and down his spine. He leaned forward, mouth ghosting his ear. “How many times does this one have to say it, Gadris? Zur is yours. Entirely. Every bit of him.” Zur’s voice was quiet and low, gravelly with something Gadris couldn’t quite place. “Similarly, you are Zur’s. Mine ,” he hissed, Khajiiti accent thick, and Gadris bit his lip, nodding.
“Whatever this is, whatever is happening inside of you, we will find a solution together, yes? Let me help you, ash-flower,” Zur begged gently, eyes pleading.
Closing his own eyes and resting his head on Zur’s shoulder, Gadris surrendered himself to the other, releasing his grip on his own soul and letting go. He breathed out a long shaky breath and with it, felt the despair pour out of him, making room to welcome Zur’s soul in once again. This time however, it was not due to horrific daedric experiments and was far from permanent. It was shaky and tentative but he felt the warm sands of Zur’s soul make islands amongst his frigid oceans once again, anchoring him to Nirn. He felt peace.
Gadris knew that he could close up again. Put the walls back up and shut Zur out and return to his misery. If Gadris knew there was a chance that Zur could leave, taking a piece of Gadris with him, which was probably the worst possible outcome. Despite this, he could not stop himself. He could not stop Zur curling up in and around him, making himself home here. It felt too good, too warm, too right. Zur created a new lesson inside of him to be sorted and filed away, a snowflake experience, unique and complex and far brighter than the others. To be loved was to be vulnerable. To open yourself to someone was opening yourself up to possible total destruction. But to continue living, Gadris would have to accept that Zur would not hurt him. Zur would love him in return, keep Gadris in the village of his heart, and add him to the long list of people he cared for.
Zur breathed in deep, tipping his head back in bliss, as if he felt it too. “Oh…” he said quietly, voice hardly a whisper. “This is…”
“Yes, I…” Gadris had no idea what to say. Maybe he didn’t need to explain himself. Zur would just know. “I want you to stay,” he said, taking one of Zur’s hands and placing it over chest, where his heart was. “Here. Please.”
“Of course. Of course… Always .” The cat’s voice shook, reverence and affection rendering it weak. “I…I…”
Gadris put his hand over Zur’s “I know, Zur. Me too.”
I love you more than words can express. I know you better than I know myself. I am handing myself over to you. I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. You are a part of me now. I am a part of you. We are separate but inside we shift and dance and merge around and inside each other. I do not know where you stop and I begin.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.