Chapter Text
There was just so much blood.
It was everywhere; up the tree trunks, splattered across the once-green grass, splashed all over the many lifeless bodies of your- your comrades.
You were laying there, eyes blank but mind reeling. Your heartbeat was pounding against your ribcage and in the back of your mind, you were dimly aware of how hard it was getting to breathe through the pain.
The sky was beautiful tonight, though; helped distract you from it all. And besides, it hurt too much to do anything.
In a way, you probably should've expected this to happen, at some point. You would die and it'd be all because of the Titans. They were, after all, such hideous beasts and such hideous beasts were far stronger than you, than any of you - no matter the training.
So you should've expected it, should've prepared yourself for it, at least a little. Not that it would've made any difference; it's one thing to prepare yourself, another to actually go through it.
You should've died tonight. You could see it happening; the Titan's hand falling ever closer to your little body, and you closed your eyes expecting never to open them again. It's what you'd been told to expect in this line of work.
And yet...
In a way, a tiny little way, you were prepared to die every second you stayed but you could've never prepared for his death.
He was the Captain, Humanity's Strongest Soldier. He was the cold one, the strong one. He made all the hard choices and tried his best to ensure everyone knew what they were getting into. He- he should never have died.
Levi was gone.
Lance Corporal Ackerman was dead, thrown against a tree, like some silly little ragdoll, like he was nothing. The hand that swiped him had been huge. It should've been you there but instead, he'd shoved you out of the way.
Time seemed to freeze. The soldiers slowed, the surrounding Titans disappeared, the wind turned nonexistent. There was nothing but the way Levi flew through the air- and how his life ended with a sickeningly simple crunch.
It didn't matter how fast you ran but you sped up anyway, stumbling in your rush to get to him. You fell beside him and carefully cradled his head on your lap. Checking for a pulse proved futile.
You clutched his hand to your cheek, warmth quickly seeping out as your hand grasped his, and you knew- you knew this was all over. Just like that.
"C-come on, Captain," You stuttered. Why? Why torment yourself further? You know the truth, you know what happened. There was no way he could've survived that. He didn't. And yet, like a child, you almost expected him to answer with a flutter of dark eyelashes, a slight smile carved just for you, a tightening in his grip.
"Please, please, please," You kept muttering against damp skin. "Please Levi, please don't die on me."
Of course, he didn't answer, and your heart stopped.
The Captain was dead- Levi was...
When the others finally arrived, it was to find you cradling the ice-cold body of Levi, a dull, tired look on your face. You didn't even realise they were there.
Hanji was the first to step forward, though not without their own hint of hesitation. They knelt gently beside you.
"Y/N?" Hanji asked softly. They didn't want to startle you but time was of the essence. Titans were quickly closing in on them all, and you all needed to leave now. But you offered no reaction; you might as well have been somewhere else. Instead, you continued to stare down at Levi.
The world trembled at the Titans' thudding footsteps and Hanji worried they wouldn't get out in time. They just needed to- to leave the dead behind and leave. They couldn't stop this on the ground.
"Y/N?" Hanji tried again, placing a hand on the soldier's shoulder, and this time they gave a reaction; a startled one but a reaction nonetheless. You swung around instinctively, fist curled, only to be caught by a surprisingly-blank Hanji Zoe.
You blinked a couple of times, and then looked down. Oh, right. You were cradling Levi. You must have been here for a good while too. Well, it must have been a while if Hanji was here. Hanji had been an hour or two behind you and Levi when- when...
"Y/N, we really need to leave. The Titans are closing in on us, and-," Hanji began but you shook your head. Confused, Hanji opened their mouth. Why were you shaking your head? The Titans really were closing in. Any second now and they'd be on top of all of you.
"Leave me."
Hanji- Hanji couldn't believe it. You were honestly expecting them to just up and leave you? Just like that? As if!
Huffing, Hanji grabbed hold of your shoulders and forced you to turn. You winced at the uncomfortable position but otherwise, did nothing else. It wasn't as if you could even if you wanted to.
"You are coming with us willingly, or so help me!" Hanji demanded, using their 'authority voice' that they so rarely used. Your eyes widened for a second in surprise before you shook your head with a frown.
"Hanji-," You began. It wasn't as if you couldn't tell the Titans were close, it'd be hard not to but you didn't want Hanji or anyone to get hurt because of you, and you- you wanted to die, beside Levi, as you had promised so long ago on that chilly night.
You weren't about to break that promise! They wouldn't miss you. You felt too...lost, to numb to be of any use anyway. Everyone would be better off if you died, you knew this.
But Hanji didn't seem to know, or maybe they didn't care, if them huffing was anything to go by. They shifted to gently push Levi off and you couldn't stop them, your limbs having gone numb at some point.
All you could do was watch as they positioned Levi out of the way of any thundering footsteps, face carefully neutral, before dragging you up. Why were they doing this? Can't they just leave you alone? You wanted to die!
You found the strength to try and move back to Levi, only for Hanji to stop you and that was when you struggled.
"Please, Hanji! Just- just let me die with him!"
It was probably selfish of you to say so, but this was your choice! Your life to end as you please! Why wouldn't they respect that?
Suddenly, strong arms wrapped themselves around you, picking you up with little to no effort. You struggled against the person who held you. You didn't care who it was, you just wanted them to let go.
However, in response to your struggling, all they did was tighten their grip. When Hanji ordered everyone to start running, the person hoisted you over their shoulder and set off into the air, flying past trees.
The wind whipped across your skin, stinging it but you couldn't feel it. You were somewhere else, with Levi, away from here. You felt so tired though, in the back of your mind, and you would've collapsed if it hadn't been for the person carrying you.
By the time Levi was just a spec in the distance, you were too tired to even notice the person tightening their grip on you as you went limp.
****
Months passed since the incident, that terrible death of your lost loved one, and every night you woke up screaming.
Your mind remained in the past, day and night, and your body felt light as if you weren't really there. As if all of this was just a dream, a nasty dream. You'd never thought it possible though, to feel so much and so little at the same time.
The numbness wasn't enough; you still felt angry, still felt cold. You just couldn't do anything about it, it seemed. Even when you screamed until your throat bled and lungs ached and tears burned, even when it hurt to breathe, to move, to live- you couldn't do anything.
A pain but a bearable one, you suppose.
You tried once, to get up and do something. It lasted for a second, in which you sat at the edge of your bed and then became too tired to do anything else. You continued to pray, to will yourself to believe that tomorrow will be the day you feel something, be it the sun on your face or the happiness you remember having once. You'll feel something. Tomorrow.
You never did.
And of course, you weren't the only one to notice. It would've been hard for anyone not to notice.
Countless others came to visit you, asking if you were alright, and of course, you'd say 'Yes, I'm fine, thank you' and they'd leave it at that because what else could do they? They could see the sorrow etched into your skin, could see the life slowly fade but they couldn't do anything to stop it.
They were as helpless as you were, it seemed.
But eventually, they had to move on, for themselves, for everyone around them. People lived and forgot about the death of their once-great captain, only remembering on the day everyone remembered the lost and the dead.
The war eventually ended with the last of the Titans dying. People began new, happier lives. They took the chance to live, to not have to worry and ran with it. They lived their dreams, no matter what they were, and they moved on.
Even Hanji and Erwin, who married one another and had little ones of their own.
In a way, it was relieving to see them all so happy, to see the world turn even if you never turned with it. It meant they didn't have to worry. It meant they never saw the tears you still wept and stared with pity, with annoyance, with anything.
It meant when you finally left, they didn't know until it was already too late. But you went with a smile on your face.
So as they got the life they all deserved, you finally got the death you craved so much for.
You would finally get to see Levi Ackerman again, after all this time.
And then your eyes opened and you looked down to see yourself in the small body of a newborn baby, surrounded by the strangers who were to be your new family, all smiling.
Well, shit.