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To Yudias, loving Zwijo felt like breathing. It has always come natural, and he knew it would always be that way since the moment he met his eyes long, long ago. Being next to him felt like home, holding him always made him feel safe even when the war was raging on all around them. Zwijo’s hand was so warm that for a moment Yudias could pretend he was free to choose those feelings every day for the rest of his life. The softness that sometimes shone in Zwijo’s eyes (only when it was looking at Yudias, always when he was looking at Yudias) pulled at the strings of his heart in a way so sweet that he could forget the sounds of battles, only focusing on the music of his special one’s voice.
Loving Zwijo felt like breathing, and it made Yudias feel alive. It made him feel strong; it made him feel like his existence had a meaning. To him, it was clear that he was born just to tell the other he loved him, being with words or with his every single gesture. If Yudias could wish for another life, he would not ask for immortality nor happiness; his only desire was to know Zwijo existed in the same universe, with the same golden hair and determined gaze, that he would think of him under the same stars. That would be enough, that would mean everything. Yudias wasn’t sure he believed in something greater than what he could see or feel, but he prayed everynight for the sake of his people and for the future of the one he loved more than he could ever express.
Loving Zwijo felt like breathing. That was why when Yudias lost him, he felt like dying.
-
To Zwijo, loving Yudias felt like drowning. It felt like a heavy flow of feelings that he never felt before and that threatened to suffocate him all at once. It was not painful, though. It was as if the water enveloped him, like the other one was all over and around him and it felt… comfortable.
It made him feel weak, and still it wasn’t an unwanted emotion. Because even if it made him feel frail like glass and helpless like a child, it was also powerful and always gave him the strength to go on, no matter what. To keep his guidance clear, to keep his mind sane. Zwijo never knew he could feel this much, but it still wasn’t a terrible surprise.
Yudias was an equal to him. He was kind and naïve, and still he carried on with his head high, always as if he could be able to bear the weight of their destiny all alone.
(he then realize Yudias was never alone, and it went both ways)
Sometimes, loving him was life fire. A flame that could never be extinct, an echo that would never fade. Still he didn’t burn him, nor did he haunt him in a scary way. That’s it, if you don’t consider scary the way Yudias was always in his thoughts, a ghost that held his hand when he was alone, day and night.
Loving Yudias felt like drowning. That was why when Zwijo lost himself, he felt empty.
_
As it turned out, Yudias kept living. Even if it felt like his whole world stopped, even if he felt like screaming and crying and hurting everytime he breathed, he had to go on for everyone’s sake. He wanted, needed to end the war for his people and for Zwijo’s memory, too. When he went to Earth in search of rush duels, he was lost, left with nothing but his pride and a purpose.
(what then though? what would be his purpose after everything was dealt with? After peace was established in his planet and a new era could begin, what would be the point of breathing?)
Earth was a strange place. It was peaceful. It had clear blue skies and wonderful people, and for a moment the clock started ticking again and time resumed at a dull but steady pace. It was at night that the demons didn’t leave him alone, it was in the nightmares that plagued his sleep, and it was the way he always woke up alone and the tears felt too real in the darkness cast by a sky without stars.
And then he met him again. Zwijo, who wanted to use violence to craft their path to victory. Zwijo, who looked at him like he was the enemy. Zwijo, who looked so beautiful and lonely and alive. If he was lost, Yudias would guide him until they could see the light again together, until the longing and the pain would disappear. The world started spinning again, so slow and so fast at the same time.
-
They didn’t understand. Yudias didn’t understand. Zwijo was the only one who knew, he knew more than he ever wanted to know, about their present and their fate and still Yudias looked at him like that, like he-
Like he never stopped loving him.
Yudias didn’t understand their pain and suffering and honestly, Zwijo didn’t want him to. Yudias belonged to the light; his smile and kindness were not fitting for the hell he decided to cross. It was okay only for Zwijo to be the villain. It was okay for him to stop breathing in the happiness Yudias showered him with. It was okay for the water to suffocate him, for darkness to fill his lungs and never let him go. But at the end, he always had been weak to the heaven that was Yudias’ warmth, like a moth to the most beautiful and bright flame that lighted up the darkest eclipse.
“Since long ago, that part of you, everything about you… I have always loved you”
And drowning in this feelings never felt so sweet.
-
Their life changed after that. Their planet was at peace, the scent of blood didn’t haunt them anymore. It was not perfect, it was still dangerous, but they had a secret and silent agreement they would always stick together, no matter what. It was written in their dialogue, it was imprinted in the touch of their hands. It was the way Zwijo followed Yudias on Earth, it was the way Yudias held Zwijo after a terrifying night. It was the way their heart beated in synch, and only for each other. Zwijo still used to think, no, it was sure that he didn’t deserve forgiveness; it was damn certain he didn’t deserve all this joy either, but he selfishly took it with the intention of never letting go. In return, he would care for Yudias and cherish him until his last breath and whatever came after that.
«What are you thinking about, Zwijo?»
It was dark, the only light in the room coming from the stars in the night sky. They laid together in their bed, in comfortable silence. Probably Zwijo must have that look on his face, the one he reserved only for the other to see, and he was common knowledge that Yudias knew him better than he knew himself (at least, common for him).
«You»
It was sappy, it was vulnerable, but at this point Zwijo didn’t care anymore. His pride wasn’t more important than being honest with the one he valued more than life itself, and it certainly wasn’t more important than the magical way the moon illuminated the softness of Yudias’s features in that right moment. His answer was rewarded by a delighted laugh, more crystalline than any sound he ever had the pleasure to hear, and once again Zwijo was almost surprised by how gone he was for him.
«I love you, you know» Yudias said and oh, if he knew. That didn’t stop his heart for leaping out of his chest everytime he heard the words.
After a while it seemed like Yudias was ready to fall asleep on top of him, and he would gladly welcome the feeling of numbness in his arm until the morning came, but-
«Yudias»
«Mmh»
And Zwijo was sure that no matter how harder and harder he fell for him every second, it would never hurt one bit.
«You give me peace»
It was the calm and the quiet of Zwijo’s voice that made the blue-haired one open his eyes, only to meet the softness of a lilac gaze.
«When my heart was shattered, you put it back together. When I was sure I was destined to live without a meaning, you made me realize that this was worth it. When I was torn, you gave me peace. And you still do»
And what was love if not that? Who better could teach him that, if not Yudias? The same person that fought him tooth and nails just to save both him and their people without ever stooping at his low level. The same person who was so pure and beautiful it almost hurt. The same person who was so fragile (and yet so, so strong) that he was crying just because of his words.
«Stupid Zwijo, saying something like that out of the blue…»
And the hug that came made it impossible to regret anything, really.
«Yeah, yeah. Now go to sleep»
«You started it...»
«And you should stop pouting»
«I'm not-»
The words died in Yudias' throat, swallowed by a slow and intense kiss, and oh, this is what heaven must feel like.
Still, what Zwijo said was true, and they both knew it. Loving each other could be like breathing, sometimes like drowning, but it always felt like living.