Archive of Our Own

Detective Carisi had been pushing himself too hard that blistering hot end-of-July week. He’d pulled an all-nighter in an interrogation and skipped breakfast because of a new body found. Then he’d forgotten to refill his water bottle before leaving the precinct to go to the scene. The temperature crept close to the triple digits when he arrived at the abandoned old house across town where the forensics team was gradually unearthing a skeleton the same size as his niece. Lieutenant Benson stood there with ADA Barba, who was dabbing sweat from his brow.

Sonny, a little light-headed, pinched his eyebrows together and joined them by the makeshift gravesite. “What have we got, Lieu? Is it her?”

Through a grimace, Benson confirmed, “It’s definitely Marcy Evans. They’re estimating the body is 15 or 16 and she’s still got that butterfly necklace on. Fits the Nevis MO perfectly – hands tied behind her back, face down, buried alive. Our victim count is officially up to eight.”

“She went missing more than a decade ago.” Carisi swallowed hard as nausea roiled in his stomach. “All the other vics are from the last five years. How many more could we be looking at in that gap?”

Rafael shook his head, eyes trained on the sky because he hated being at crime scenes. “Based on his cycles…Christ, we could be looking at twenty, maybe even more.”

Sonny let out a long, heavy sigh, his head spinning. “How the hell are we supposed to- Damn, it’s hot out.” Sonny’s mind reeled in a few different directions; his thoughts felt as hazy as the smog rising over the city. Feeling clammy as his cheeks went pink, he asked, “Mind if we move over into the shade?”

“Yeah, of course.” Liv stared at him, suddenly concerned, and said, “Actually, Carisi, you look pretty pale. Maybe you should get back to the station or at least into some air conditioning. Drink some water.”

Sonny waved his hand and started, “I forgot to-”

Then he was stumbling over, gangly limbs throwing everywhere except the ground to catch him, the heat oppressive and tugging him down, heart pounding and whooshing in his ears, everything going fuzzy white. Rafael moved faster than he’d ever known himself to, guiding Sonny into his arms as he lost his balance and his consciousness in quick succession.

“Jesus, Carisi!” Liv helped Rafael bring him the rest of the way into the shade. “Are you okay?”

As Sonny flickered in and out of awareness, mumbling incoherently, Rafael sat him down on the porch, pushing him back to lie down despite his weak protests that he was fine. Sonny, almost instinctively, put his head in Rafael’s lap, which definitely didn’t mean anything at all to either of them. Rafael grabbed his own water bottle and soaked his expensive silk pocket square, carefully draping the cool fabric over Sonny’s forehead. With Liv’s help, he worked Sonny out of his blazer and undid his tie.

Rafael examined the jacket as he folded it. “What idiot goes with wool on a day like this?”

Liv eyed him. “Priorities, Rafa.”

“Right, of course.” Rafael looked down at Sonny; Liv could’ve sworn his eyes were full of affection rather than annoyance. “He should probably go to the hospital, get some fluids.”

In a tiny shaky voice, Sonny objected, “No, c’mon, gimme a sec here to cool down and I’ll be fine. You don’t have to-”

“Hush,” Rafael told him. “This pocket square is going to have to go to the dry cleaner because of you; your opinion is irrelevant.” Then he looked back at Liv and said, trying to sound casual, “You need to stay here and make sure everything’s handled appropriately; we can’t have any screw-ups on this. So I guess-” Rafael paused like he didn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth “-I’ll take him?”

“You sure you have time? I can always call a bus.”

Carisi groaned. “Please, no. I’m fine.”

Rafael thought about the plethora of meetings on his afternoon schedule, some of them actually important, and then looked down at Carisi’s pathetically pale face. After a second of consideration, he told Liv, “I’m not too busy today. I’ll take care of him- it.”

“Thanks, Rafa, you’re a lifesaver.”

“All in a day’s work.” As Liv returned to the site, dialing for one of the other squad members to show up in Carisi’s stead, Rafael gave Sonny a pitious look and absently ran his fingers through Sonny’s hair. Then he caught himself and stopped abruptly. He helped Sonny sit up again and said, “Sounds like you’re stuck with me for a few hours, Detective.”

Even in his dazed state, Sonny couldn’t deny the appeal of that. Rafael rarely let them spend any time alone together, but Sonny lapped it up any time he could get it, wanting to absorb Rafael’s knowledge and maybe sneak a few peeks at his ass. He offered up a wiped-out facsimile of a smile. “Lookin’ forward to it, Counselor.”

Rafael tried not to notice how Sonny’s accent thickened when he was delirious; it was too cute for words. “Can you sit up yet?”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry ‘bout it.” Sonny wrenched himself upward and immediately went woozy. His head was a salad spinner. Rafael wrapped an arm around him so he wouldn’t fall backwards. “Okay, that may have been ambitious.”

“Seems that way, slugger.” Rafael laughed and stood up, offering his hands to Sonny. “Let’s stand up about a quarter as fast as that, alright?”

Sonny’s body gradually creaked upward. He leaned most of his weight on Rafael, who was thankful he’d gone back to the gym ever since the incident when he learned Rollins could outrun him a little too easily. They managed to fold Sonny’s lanky body into Rafael’s passenger seat and, soon enough, they were on their way to the closest emergency room. Sonny protested the whole way, but his comments were very much undercut by the fact that he could barely keep his eyes open and he was still a strange mix of white as a sheet and red as a beet.

It was fairly slow at the hospital, so they were at intake with a distracted nurse within a few minutes of walking through the doors. “Can you confirm the name and date of birth?”

Barba answered as Sonny took slow sips of water next to him. “Dominick – with a ‘c-k’ – Carisi.” He spelled out the letters and then said, “I know his birthday’s February 29th, but I’m not sure what year he-”

“I’ve got his file pulled up; looks like he’s been a patient here before. Thank you.” Even though Rafael wasn’t particularly pleased with her cavalier tone, he held his tongue, tried to switch his brain into helpful mode, and let her ask, “And what brings him in today?”

Rafael told her, “We were out in the heat and he passed out for a second. He’s still pretty out of it.”

She nodded and typed on her computer. “Lot of that this week.”

He replied flatly, “I bet.”

She looked at Sonny for the first time and asked, “Do you know where you are, Dominick?”

Slurring a bit, eyes not quite focused, Sonny replied, “Hospital.”

“What have you had to eat and drink today?”

“Ahhh, coffee? Sandwich, maybe?”

Barba shook his head and sighed. “By that he means two large coffees with way too much sugar and nothing else.”

“Any allergies to medicines or latex?”

Rafael searched his rolodex of Carisi anecdotes and facts to see if he had anything helpful. After a second, he said. “He’s allergic to penicillin.”

She printed out a hospital band with a red allergy label and affixed it to Sonny’s wrist. They had him in a bed hooked up to a nice cool IV with an apple juice in his hand pretty soon after that. The color began returning to his cheeks.

With the lucidity, though, came anxiety. Sonny’s blue eyes darted around once he had his bearings, finally landing on Barba, who was in the corner of the green-curtained cubicle scrolling through his phone. “Counselor, you can go home, I’m all good here.”

Rafael scoffed. “With Liv checking in every five minutes? I don’t think so.”

“Then can we go?” Sonny picked at the skin of his thumb. “I hate hospitals.”

“I’m sure you can suck it up for another hour.” Rafael teased, “I’ll get you an ice cream after if you’re brave about it.”

Sonny’s voice trembled. “No, I mean, I really hate hospitals.”

Rafael raised one eyebrow and offered, halfway between sarcastic and sincere, “Would you like me to…hold your hand or…something?”

Sonny pouted. “Maybe.” Rafael moved to stand up, making Sonny blush and insist, “I was joking.”

Rafael bristled. “Oh. Right. Duh. Sorry, I’m a little out of my wheelhouse with the ‘supportive friend’ role. Not really sure how to help.”

Sonny tried to quiet the part of his brain saying ‘you could shoot me between the eyes’ and replied, “You’re doing great. It’s fine. Just don’t tell anybody how much of a wuss I am about medical shit, alright?”

“I’ll take it to my grave,” Rafael promised.

A different nurse, this one in scrubs, appeared soon after, introducing herself briskly and rattling off, “I’m just going to pop in to do your vitals and take a quick history so we can make sure there’s nothing more serious than heat exhaustion going on here, okay?”

Sonny muttered, “Seems like I don’t have a choice.”

The nurse picked up and perused the chart at the end of the bed. “Do you use any tobacco products?”

“No.”

“Marijuana?”

“I’m a cop.”

Rafael muttered, “It’s legal.”

Sonny rolled his eyes. “No.”

“Any other drugs?”

“No.”

“How many drinks do you have per week?”

“Maybe two or three? Depends on the week.”

“Are you sexually active?”

Sonny choked on his own spit and became painfully, devastatingly, agonizingly aware of Rafael Barba’s presence in the room. Does masturbating while thinking about the voice of the other person in here count? “Not currently.”

“Alright,” she breezed forward, trotting through his chart updates with a blasé attitude, “are you still on the weekly testosterone enanthate, daily norethindrone and escitalopram, and lorazepam as needed?”

Praying Rafael was zoned out in the corner or at least knew nothing about medicine, he confirmed, “Yeah.”

“And when was your last period?”

A trap door opened beneath the hospital bed.

Sonny fell into the basement, the air whipping around his head, and landed squarely in a new circle of hell with a hard thud.

Rafael’s eyes flicked upward so quickly nobody would’ve noticed, but Sonny was hyper-focused on his every reaction.

His heart pounded, but Rafael didn’t, like, stand up and storm out while screaming about real men having dicks, so Sonny just tried to keep his breaths steady as he scaled the walls of the pit of shame and anxiety. The heart rate monitor betrayed him, kicking up its beeping, as he replied, “The, ah, the progestin stops them, so I’m not sure. More than six months.”

She marked down something. “And there’s no chance you’re pregnant?”

He let out a hoarse laugh, eyes trained on his hands in his lap, and imagined the sweet relief of the ceiling collapsing and crushing him to death, sealing up the earth over them. “No, definitely not.”

She gave him a friendly smile, not realizing she’d just turned his professional life upside down with a few flagrant sentences. “Alright, I’ll send in the doctor and we should have you out of here in no time.”

After she disappeared, Sonny let out a deep, shaky breath that filled up the entire room. Everything zoomed in tight on Rafael’s face as Sonny tried desperately to figure out what he was thinking from a lawyer-smooth poker face. He couldn’t come up with anything to say. Even if he’d always been braced to be outed to someone from work, he never could’ve imagined it being in such a vulnerable position like this. That was the worst part. He wasn’t ashamed of being trans anymore, but it was still something he knew could open him up to anything from harassment and awkwardness to questions of his reliability as a witness. In the climate he lived in, being anything out of the norm was a ticking time bomb.

His had just exploded.

And this was Rafael. Rafael . Sonny knew he looked at Rafael like he’d written the constitution himself (and then made a variety of important edits for good measure). He’d been repeatedly reprimanded for gazing affectionately at Rafael’s ass during court, not paying attention during his briefings because he couldn’t stop staring at Rafael’s lovely lips, and generally being a stupid schoolboy about being in Rafael’s brilliant glow. Meanwhile, he also knew that Rafael saw him as, at best, a lovable bug. Annoying but necessary, occasionally amusing, every once in a while fun to be around.

So for him to find out like this – in a situation Sonny had no control over and didn’t want to be in – was a death blow to what little of his ego remained.

And then Rafael spoke.

“You should sue,” he tutted, almost absently, voice even, trying to come up with something to say to soothe Sonny’s obviously bursting anxiety. He shook his head and added, choosing the words carefully, “Major HIPAA violation not to check if you’d given consent for me to hear your private medical information.”

Before Sonny could respond in any way – a confused ‘thank you’ or ‘hey what the fuck?’ close to the top of the list – a tall man in a white coat breezed through the curtain and started speaking: “Well, Detective Carisi, this is just your classic case of heat exhaustion. Combine low blood sugar and dehydration with SSRIs and hormonal medications and you’re looking at the perfect cocktail for passing out in this heat.”

“Got it.” Sonny didn’t meet his eyes. “Can I go now?”

The doctor put his hand on Sonny’s shoulder, which made an unfamiliar feeling twist in Rafael’s gut. “You really need to make sure you’re drinking enough water, sleeping a full eight hours every night, and getting proper nutrition, especially in your line of work. I don’t want to see you back here again for the same problem in a week, alright?”

Sonny gave an uncomfortable smile. “Sure, doc. We good here?”

“Looks like you have a ride home,” the doctor observed with a nod. “Will he be able to stay with you a few more hours after that? I’d prefer to discharge you knowing you have some supervision.”

Sonny didn’t even have time to say something about calling one of his sisters before Rafael confirmed, “Of course I will.”

“Good. Then I’m prescribing a few liters of water, a meal with lots of carbs, and a real night of sleep.”

Instead of driving Sonny home, Rafael took them both to his own apartment on the other side of Manhattan. When he parked in the covered garage, Sonny sighed and told him, “Barba, you really don’t have to-”

Rafael interrupted, “Liv has slapped me across the face before; I’m not looking for a repeat performance. We follow the doctor’s orders this evening and then I’ll be out of your hair.”

Of course, the truth was that Sonny had scared him by passing out into his arms like a fainting maiden. Seeing him so weak and vulnerable had shaken Rafael more than he’d like and made him feel protective, for lack of a better word. He knew he had absolutely no right to butt into Sonny’s personal life and behave like a worried boyfriend, but until he was certain Sonny was going to be completely fine, he couldn’t find the will to stop himself.

So Sonny relented with a sigh, “Alright, fine, but I’m not eatin’ whatever garbage you think you can cook.”

“Thankfully we live in the modern age and can get delivery.” Rafael chuckled and added, “I have leftovers, too; yesterday my mom dropped off a small city’s worth of rice and beans. Some tostones , too.”

Sonny smiled a little for the first time that day. “Now that I can get behind.”

Once he’d been filled with comfort food and two tall glasses of water, Sonny showered, reluctantly put on a pair of Rafael’s sweats and a tee while Rafael threw his sweat-soaked clothes into the wash, and promptly fell asleep on Rafael’s couch – despite protesting that he definitely wasn’t too tired to come up with something for them to do. Rafael covered him in a blanket, grabbed his laptop, and pecked away at what little work he could do from home so he wouldn’t be too behind tomorrow after rescheduling so much for Sonny.

Rafael let the afternoon tick uneventfully by, the only sound Sonny’s soft rhythmic breathing and his fingers on the keyboard plunking out emails and memos for the week to come. After a while, he put on a favorite jazz record, letting it play quietly underneath everything. He showered and changed into a loose tank top and shorts, figuring that taking someone to the ER meant you were allowed to show your arms and ankles around them.

When he came out of the shower, he found Sonny awake and flipping through his TV, unsatisfied with the options. He looked up when he saw Rafael. “Oh, hey.”

Rafael laughed a little. “Hey indeed. How are you feeling?”

“Loads better,” Sonny replied, and Rafael believed him. The normal bright enthusiasm had returned to his eyes and his cheeks were the right color again, that perfectly smooth soft pink Rafael adored. “Thanks for- Well, for everything, I guess. I appreciate you…lookin’ out for me.”

“Of course. Any time. I mean it.” Rafael leveled an intense gaze at him, knowing that one of them would have to say something about it eventually. It might as well be him and it might as well be now. He kept it simple and true: “Just to be clear, Sonny, nothing is different now.”

Voice small, Sonny probed, “So, you know I'm trans, then, and…you don’t care? Like you actually don’t?”

“We don’t even have to talk about any of it if you don’t want to.” Rafael made sure to keep his tone calm and honest, not wanting to scare Sonny off or give him the wrong idea. “I’m sorry someone violated your privacy like that and I promise you don’t have to worry about me furthering that nurse’s carelessness.”

Sonny narrowed his eyes. “Why are you bein’ so normal? I kind of expected you to be, like, shocked, at least. This is too normal, almost. Did you…know already or something?”

Rafael snorted. “Are you asking me if you pass?”

“No, I mean, kind of , but-”

“Well, alright. I’ll tell you why I’m being normal about it, then.”

Rafael bristled as he realized what he was going to do.

He hadn’t told anyone in something like two decades. Besides his mother, nobody in his modern life – not even Liv, not even Carmen – knew. But this was Sonny, who he admired and adored and, if he was going to be honest with himself, which he generally tried to avoid, loved. And who needed this validation, this honesty, from him more than anything.

So he said simply, voice crisp as if he were reciting it on the stand, “I started transitioning when I was a kid. My mother was incredibly supportive and tenacious about all of it, especially for the time, so I was on hormones before I finished high school. Top surgery by 21, metoidioplasty before I even started practicing. I’ve been seen as nothing but a man since I came back to New York after law school.”

With all the tact of a cardboard cutout, Sonny asked, “Huh?”

How did he miss that?

Even in hindsight, hearing the words out loud, Sonny couldn’t go back and put any hints together. When he ran through the many things he worried about outing him at work – his binder not fitting right, forgetting the lifts that made him tall enough for comfort, his voice slipping – none of them applied to Rafael. Nobody was more hyper-aware of everyone else’s gender presentation than trans people, and he’d never noticed anything about Rafael to make him think he was anything but your standard-issue gay cis guy.

Rafael poked him on the shoulder and teased, “Still with me, Detective?”

“Yeah, just- Honestly, I thought-” Sonny shook his head and laughed. “This is so stupid now, but I thought you were, like, kind of a transphobe, so I guess I’m processing.”

“What?!” Rafael scoffed, offended, “What made you think I was transphobic? You’ve seen me prosecute tons of-”

“No, no, I get that you’re not- not like in general .” Sonny huffed, waving his hands around. “But with me , I mean, I thought you had clocked me and that’s why you were so weird around me.”

Rafael protested as blush burned his cheeks, “I am not ‘weird’ around you!”

“C’mon, a few days ago I walked into the squad room and you immediately went into Liv’s office! You avoid me-”

“We keep very different schedules.”

“-you mercilessly make fun of me-”

“I’d call that affectionate teasing.”

“-and you never let me finish a damn sentence!”

Exasperated, Rafael threw his hands up and said, “I promise I’m not a transphobe and I promise it doesn’t have anything to do with whether I like you or not because, actually, I have a big fat stupid embarrassing crush on you and-”

All the air got sucked out of the room.

Sonny sounded like he’d been punched in the gut as he asked, “You…have a crush on me?”

There was no use denying it now.

Sonny was there, in his apartment, wearing his clothes, and Rafael was in love with him.

“Yes.” Rafael shuffled from foot to foot and swallowed hard. “It’s much worse than a crush, actually. You’re funny and you’re brilliant and you’re gorgeous. I can’t think when I’m around you. So I make jokes. I try to stop us from being alone together. It’s…stupid.”

Sonny stared at him, lips parted ever so slightly, and couldn’t find a single word in the English language that made any sense at all. “You said I’m gorgeous.”

“I did.” Rafael sighed, “You are.”

Baffled, Sonny propped his chin in his hand and leaned forward. “You said I’m funny . You hate my jokes.”

Rafael corrected nervously, “I pretend to hate your jokes. I love your jokes.”

“And you said I’m brilliant!” Sonny stood, then, and stormed across the room to Rafael. “Am I hallucinating? You call me an idiot a hundred times a day.”

“Because you’re the only person I work with who can actually challenge me and make me think. It’s excruciating being around you because I have to put in effort to be the smartest person in the room.”

“Wow, that’s- Wow. Really something.”

Rafael’s cheeks were flaming red and all of his organs had shriveled up into weird embarrassed raisins. He tried, “I’d love it if you either changed the topic entirely, left and pretended we never had this conversation, or grabbed your gun to put me out of my misery. Dealer’s choice, okay? Because this is becoming physically painful for me.”

“Wait, no, no, no.” Sonny grinned, then, and grabbed Rafael’s hand to stop him from trying to flee. He said, “I’m just surprised. But I’m good surprised, I promise, not- Fuck I just can’t believe you like me. More than like me.” Another thought crossed Sonny’s mind, opening his lips more. He searched Rafael’s expression, becoming more amused by the second, and clarified, “Wait, like, you’re attracted to me? You think I’m- You want to-?”

Rafael laughed, more like a giggle, an innocent bubbly one, and brought Sonny’s fingers to his mouth, kissing them. “Detective Carisi, are you asking me if I want to have sex with you?”

“Only if the answer is yes. If the answer’s no, then I’d remind you that it would be completely inappropriate to ask a colleague something like that.” Sonny watched Rafael’s eyes drop to his lips as he leaned forward and said, “But if the answer is yes, then I’d tell you that most of my ‘jokes’ are my poor attempts at flirtin’ with you.”

Rafael moved his hand to the back of Sonny’s head, beginning to close the gap that would irrevocably change their relationship. As Sonny’s arm looped around his lower back, Rafael said, barely audible, “The answer is a resounding yes.”

Sonny’s lips met Rafael’s and everything was new, like hearing the opening notes of your favorite song for the very first time. That feeling of complete and total rightness, of being seen, of knowing this would change everything. The whole world tasted and felt different than it had only a moment before. Rafael gave in. His tongue ran along Sonny’s lower lip, teasing out a high-pitched moan that Sonny couldn’t suppress as Rafael’s hand dragged down his chest and to his hip.

Once the dam cracked, Sonny helped it crumble. He pushed Rafael up against what must’ve been his bedroom door and held his hips hard, their bodies grinding against each other, right hand roving downward from Rafael’s lower back. “You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to grab your ass.”

Rafael pulled back and laughed. “Are you being sexy or serious?”

Sonny chuckled and kissed him again, fingers digging into the firm, soft flesh of what Rollins affectionately called Barba’s bubble butt. “Both. Like, that’s the most fuckable ass I’ve ever felt and you’re not even naked.”

Rafael replied, most of the way to a moan, “Tell me you own a strap.”

Sonny confirmed with a wicked grin, “Several.”

“Good to know.” Rafael reached behind himself and opened the bedroom door, tugging Sonny in after him. Even as his breaths sizzled into turned-on gasps as Sonny’s hands roved all over his body, Rafael panted out, “Okay, wait one second.”

Sonny stopped, chest rising and falling fast, and said, “Yeah, yeah, we should…talk? Right? About…stuff?”

“I just- I want you to know that we don’t have to-” Rafael rolled his eyes at himself, put his hands on Sonnys sides, and said, “I’m trying to say I like you, Sonny, and I don’t want to just have sex with you some random day because chance decided to force us to be vulnerable. I want you . All of you.”

“Don’t worry. I like you back,” Sonny replied as he dropped his lips down to Rafael’s neck, mouth open and hot, “and I promise I’ll take you on a proper date at your earliest convenience.” Then he pushed Rafael onto the bed and crawled into his lap, tugging at the hem of his tank top and stealing all of his breath. “I want to be your boyfriend and fall in love and drive each other to the airport and do the whole damn thing.” He nibbled over Rafael’s earlobe and concluded, “I want all of that, I swear, and I really, really want to have sex with you right now.”

With Sonny’s kisses intent on his skin, Rafael was completely powerless to deny him absolutely anything. “You make a compelling argument.”

Sonny laughed, “Fordham law.”

For a moment, they paused. The banter stopped and the frantic energy fizzled out. Sonny was in Rafael’s bed and Rafael was looking at him with a rapturous adoration that made him recontextualize every glance they’d ever shared. For the first time, he saw Rafael for who he really was: Not the smooth and suave ADA who could catch anyone off guard with a biting, well-timed remark, but a man who looked at him , Sonny Carisi, like he was the North Star. Like he couldn’t believe someone so beautiful existed on the same earth as him.

A tiny sound escaped Sonny’s mouth. A realization, maybe, or a promise.

The next time he kissed Rafael, it was slow. Not claiming. Honoring. Their lips played and explored without agenda. No rush at all. Sonny pulled Rafael’s shirt the rest of the way off and brushed tentative, reverent fingers over his skin. “You’re so hot, Rafi.”

Rafael’s breath hitched in his throat. “You’ve never called me that before.”

“Oh, I- Is that?”

His voice was a plea. “Say it again.”

“Rafi,” Sonny murmured against his ear, lips dragging down his neck, tongue working over his collarbones. Breath somehow hot and cold at once on Rafael’s skin, Sonny returned to his mouth and repeated once more before kissing him, “Rafi.”

“That’s so- fuck .” There were a million descriptions – intimate, sweet, meaningful, cherished – but ultimately no words did the cashmere soft and campfire warm feeling in Rafael’s chest justice. His thumbs slipped under Sonny’s shirt, wanting, and whispered, “Can I take your clothes off?”

“Definitely.”

Sonny lifted his arms to help Rafael guide his own tee over Sonny’s head, tossing it to the side. Immediately, he felt so much more naked once he was looking at Rafael’s bare pecs, silver scars long-faded and barely noticeable, with his own binder holding back his chest. Instinctively, he crossed his arms to cover himself and pursed his lips, wanting to crawl under a rock.

Rafael’s eyes were devastatingly tender. He remembered the days before his top surgery, how he’d stiffen when partners either did or didn’t want to see or touch his chest. He overthought their every graze and glance and knew acutely what Sonny was thinking. Rafael reached up and touched Sonny’s chin, forcing him to meet his eyes and see the safety in them. “Hey. Whatever you want is fine. Just stay with me.”

Sonny tried to start, “I want-”

Then he took a deep breath and shook his head at himself. A second later, he laughed lightly and swallowed as he struggled to find the right words. There weren’t any. Rafael knew them already. So, after a beat, not dropping his eyes, Sonny lifted his binder off and threw it to the floor with the growing pile of clothes, lungs shaking but skin aching for long-needed, long-forgotten touch. Then, just to make Rafael speechless, he stepped off the bed and slipped out of Rafael’s sweats, too, completely naked in another moment.

“You’re gorgeous, Sonny. So perfect.” Rafael’s eyes devoured him, sails of pale skin and lean muscle. Sonny crawled back over to him, prowling, shoulders cat-like and lithe until he settled next to Rafael, everything exposed. Before even moving to touch him, Rafael asked carefully, desperate for the answer, “Is there anything I should avoid or…?”

Sonny’s cheeks were the most delicious shade of strawberry candy pink, so Rafael kissed the sweetness of them just to get a taste. He propped himself up on an elbow by Sonny’s side, memorizing each visible inch. Sonny, sounding almost ashamed at how aroused he was, told him, “I want you to do every single thing you want to my body.”

Rafael ran a hand from Sonny’s shoulders to his chest, letting his thumbs settle in smooth circles over his nipple, shivering when Sonny gasped in a breath at the contact. “We’ll be here an awfully long time if I do that.”

Sonny’s back arched into his attention. Most of the time, he shied away from being touched like this, but Rafael had somehow found a way to make him feel safe just by being himself. Breathy and breathless, Sonny replied, “I’m not busy.”

Rafael’s hand slipped lower. “‘Every single thing I want’ it is, then.” Between Sonny’s legs, Rafael’s fingers parted Sonny’s lips and dipped inside of them. He groaned low in his throat. “God, you’re so wet.”

Usually, a statement like that would send Sonny tumbling into dysphoria, but knowing it was another trans man saying it made the comment feel the way it was intended, nothing more than earnest praise and desire. Sonny whimpered in response, the sound quickly turning filthy and deep as Rafael circled his clit with increasingly strong fingers. His touch transformed from exploring to insistent as he listened to Sonny’s every reaction, watching the way his hips rolled and flexed upward.

Rafael shifted his weight so he was above Sonny. Fingers still teasing, he kissed Sonny and crooned, “I want to taste you.”

The phrasing of it, earnest and aching and hungry, made Sonny swoon. He was dizzy with feeling desired and attractive, the emotion uncomplicated for the first time in his life. No self-doubt, no questions of Rafael’s intentions or unwavering adoration. Rafael’s eyes darkened with immaculate lust as he moved down the bed, hands running over every perfect mile of thigh on his way. His tongue dragged down Sonny’s skin.

Roughly shoving Sonny’s legs apart, Rafael wasted no time getting comfortable between them, guiding Sonny’s thighs over his shoulders, pulling him down to the end of the bed, and making sure he could stay there as long as he damn well pleased. Sonny was already criminally horny by the time Rafael’s mouth made first contact, no hesitation to it. He wrapped his lips around Sonny’s clit, swollen from bottom growth and arousal, and sucked hard enough to shoot a gasp of the most fucking erotic pain Sonny had ever felt zinging through his spine and up into his brain.

Rafael chuckled and murmured, “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”

Sonny couldn’t speak. His head spun and the only sound he could make was a constant breathy moan that permanently etched into Rafael’s eardrums like the ridges of a record. Rafael ate him out with a fevered, practiced precision that immediately satisfied the agonizing need Sonny had felt building in him from the moment Rafael confessed his feelings and long before that. This was animalistic. This was release. For him as much as for Sonny.

Testing, Rafael slid his middle finger inside of Sonny. When that tiny addition made Sonny thrust his hips forward, trying to fuck Rafael’s mouth, Rafael let out a pleased chuckle that reverberated through Sonny’s body. He plunged both his fingers in, then, and savored the way Sonny’s walls clamped down around them without any other pressure. Sonny was needy , way more than Rafael had expected, and they both knew that it wasn’t going to be long. Rafael had Sonny fairly literally wrapped around his fingers.

Sonny’s moans turned to high-pitched whines and whimpers, each sound more desperate than the last, and Rafael slowed down to make him beg with his body. Sonny had no choice but to comply. His fingers went to Rafael’s dark hair, mean and tight, and he cried out when Rafael eased up right as he approached the edge of his orgasm. Rafael’s head was in the clouds as Sonny shimmied to press closer and closer against him, rocking up and down, demanding that Rafael get him off.

But Rafael was an expert in this department. He knew how to keep Sonny close without giving in, the precipice agonizing. Until Sonny’s voice steamed up out of the covers, unable to think about anything but how badly he needed it, Rafael kept him steady at a nine, waiting until Sonny couldn’t possibly take it any longer to allow him more. “Please, Rafi, babe, I-”

A sound like a growl rumbled from Rafael’s throat. Permission and desire in one. Sonny broke into a thousand pieces. His thighs tightened until they slammed and Rafael let Sonny’s grinding against his face stop him from breathing or hearing for the next few blissful moments. What use did he have for any of his other senses with the taste of this man on his tongue and the feel of pubic hair wire-brushing his lips raw and the aroma of sex and sweat and sweet drowning him? Nothing else could possibly matter.

As the orgasm lessened, Sonny stroked Rafael’s hair lovingly while he regained his ability to breathe, followed, much later, by his ability to think. Rafael gazed at him with shiny lips and a sweating brow and a wicked smile. Sonny's blushing chest rose and fell light and quick, his heart fluttering at the sight of Rafael like that, only his breath tickling Sonny’s sex, enough to start turning him on again.

Then Rafael got back to work.

Much to Sonny’s surprise, it quickly became clear that Rafael wouldn’t be leaving his current position until he’d made Sonny cum for a second time. The very thought got him halfway there. This round, Rafael wasn’t undoing a pressure cooker of tension like the first. No, he took his time. Rafael’s tongue was whisper soft to narrowly avoid the overstimulation Sonny could easily be pushed back into so soon after getting off. Sonny’s taste, milder now as more of his juices flowed, covered Rafael’s tongue and lips and chin. Sweat dampened his hair, plastering it to his forehead, and he didn’t mind in the slightest.

As Sonny eased into being taken again, accepting the pleasure that came with being Rafael’s, he stopped writing and squirming and started rolling and pleading instead. His body and mind were peaceful and he opened his eyes again. Propped up, Sonny stared down at Rafael and saw something entirely new on his face: Calm. This, right here, finally getting to be with Sonny, was his happy place. When Sonny realized he was that desired – the kind of want that makes someone serene instead of turbulent – he just lay back against the pillows and took it. It wasn’t selfish; he was giving Rafael exactly what he wanted.

Rafael began curling his fingers back toward himself once more, working Sonny’s G-spot with meaningful strokes that made his toes curl. Sonny was loose and comfortable, his moans more like a song now, and he felt completely safe, which was sexier than anything else could be. Knowing he had Sonny exactly where he needed to be, Rafael reached his free hand up and took one of Sonny’s nipples between his thumb and forefinger. Sonny sucked in a sharp breath. Rafael pinched and rolled. Hard. Every second brought a new and better sensation than the one before.

And Sonny came again.

He’d barely even noticed the orgasm building when it washed over him, uncorking the champagne of his need. His legs shook like bubbles and Rafael’s fingers felt like New Year’s, coaxing those midnight fireworks out. Bright and striking and glittering. No edging or teasing, just Rafael tasting Sonny and getting to feel the way he let go.

Rafael finally backed off Sonny’s body, kissing the sensitive insides of his thighs. He took in the lily white and dahlia pink of Sonny’s skin. Learning that Sonny turned red in all the best places when he was turned on would dominate Rafael’s mind for the better part of the next month. How was he supposed to focus on court cases and voir dire when he knew that Sonny’s blush went from his neck all the way down to his stomach?

On his knees again, Rafael’s lips and teeth scraped up Sonny’s neck as he murmured, “Thank you, mi sol .”

Sonny covered his giggle with his hand and replied, “You can’t thank me for cumming on your face.”

Rafael laughed. “Why not?”

“Because it just makes me wanna do it again.”

“I’m pretty sure I could make that happen.”

“I don’t doubt that at all now, but-” In an easy motion, Sonny flipped Rafael onto his back and straddled him “-I wanna get you off.”

Sonny slid his drenched sex along Rafael’s, just letting him feel the sensation, loving the way that Rafael gasped and ground upward for more contact. He began to readjust so he could switch to something else, but Rafael’s hand went to his waist, rough and wanting.

Rafael rasped as his fingers tightened on Sonny’s hip, nails digging in slightly, “Keep doing that for me, baby.”

Sonny smirked and recentered his weight. “Keep calling me that and I’ll do whatever you want.”

And Rafael smiled. “Such a good boy.”

Sonny reached down and hiked up Rafael’s left leg so he could get more contact. “Is that really all it’s going to take? A little tribbing?” Sonny teased as Rafael clutched the comforter in his fingers, “Jesus, and I thought I was horny.

“It’s not like-” Rafael’s breath shuddered when Sonny found exactly the place where their bodies locked together most. “After the bottom surgery I had, it’s like- It’s more like if I were- God , just keep doing it, Dominick.”

Sonny shivered when Rafael said his full name, dark and heady. A moment later, Rafael’s hands were on Sonny’s hips, guiding him back and forth, feeling heavenly. What he couldn’t speak out when he was too horny for words was that it was more like fucking Sonny than anything else, slick folds enveloping his length, hot and smooth and intoxicating. And then there was the Sonny of it all, right above him, the view mesmerizing: His pretty mouth parted open, his sharp jaw there waiting to be grabbed and kissed, his lithe body stretching on and on as he used it to get Rafael off. Sonny could’ve done anything in the world and it would’ve turned Rafael on.

Pushing Rafael’s leg further back so he could lean down, Sonny’s right hand roamed all over Rafael’s body as his hips rocked effortlessly, simple and smooth as a figure skate on fresh ice. When Sonny’s fingers and thumb ever so gently went to Rafael’s throat, resting there for a second, palm firm over his Adam's apple, Rafael’s breath hitched.

At that miniscule sound – an admission of guilt, really – Sonny’s eyes darkened and he teased, “Oh, really?”

He squeezed Rafael’s neck a bit, testing, and felt a thrill shoot through him when Rafael groaned for it. Sonny’s fingers bit into Rafael’s neck, cutting off his air just enough, and pushed his head from side to side like he was just playing, observing, discovering. Sonny brought Rafael’s face back to center and released his grip just enough to let him suck in a shaky breath.

Sonny’s pupils were shot with curious lust. “You’re kind of a whore, huh?”

Rafael’s hands dug into Sonny’s sides in response, not quite prepared to admit to Sonny that any more comments like that would do him in for life, but pushing him to move faster, pleasure tightening through his core as they slid against each other. Sonny got the message. He applied more pressure to the sides of Rafael’s neck, feeling his racing pulse throb, and watched with delight as Rafael’s eyes fluttered shut and mouth fell open into want.

When he felt Rafael’s muscles clenching up beneath him, breaths getting fast and high, Sonny lifted his hand up again, touched his two middle fingers to Rafael’s lower lip and said, low and unwavering, “Suck.”

Rafael opened his mouth and lavished Sonny’s fingers with an unbridled, unapologetic wantonness. Sonny had never seen him so entirely relaxed and thoughtless as when he came, body stuttering to keep contact with Sonny’s, moans choking around his fingers, every stressor undoing and erasing itself. Sonny just let Rafael push his hips with reckless abandon, treating Sonny’s body as a fleshlight and loving the feel of Sonny’s fingers on his lips.

Dropping down to kiss Rafael as their sticky wet thighs unhooked, Sonny smiled and said, “You’re so fucking hot, Rafi.”

Rafael smiled for a moment and kissed Sonny back. Then, in a moment of blinding clarity, he pulled back and said, “You called me a whore.”

Sonny planted a kiss on the tip of his nose. “And you liked it.”