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“She’s safe” , he’s told, a bright, bubbly smile plastered on his parent’s face. “She’s being released from the hospital. A week, they told us.”
The message takes a minute to register in his brain– Saki’s safe, his adorable little sister won’t suffer anymore, she’s so strong, she managed to live through her horrible sickness, and the thoughts brings him joy– why wouldn’t it?
Though throughout the thoughts, an uneasy feeling crowds his throat, clinging on inside his throat so harshly that not even a sip of acid could dissolve it into particles. It hangs onto his larynx tightly, squeezing his vocal cords until all he can get out is a mere “That’s great!”
And he’s telling the truth– some of it, at the very least. He’s relieved, of course, it’s his wonderful little sister, after all, but somethings just not right.
He can’t put his finger on it, no word available to describe it.
The closest word that comes to mind– he decides on uncomfortable.
She’s here, his mind reminds.
Her presence alone is certainly welcome, no doubt in that, giving him a feeling that’s unfamiliar- warm inside. But despite all that, it’s still unfamiliar. No matter how warm he feels, there’s a sense of unease bubbling around him. A foreign force keeping him from acknowledging his sister’s existence.
It makes him feel strange, waking up in the morning to see his sister there, eating breakfast happily. Nothing like when she would frown at the sight of the nurse rolling in her snack for the morning.
So when she greets him at the table, he simply sits down and finishes the breakfast as quick as he can.
Her confused, hurt face is enough to make even the brightest of stars fall ill with sadness, and it doesn’t take long before his stomach churns with guilt instead of sit happy with the delicious meal he’d just swallowed.
However, before he finds the courage to apologise, his throat suffocates with that uncomfortable feeling he can’t quite exactly name, and instead bows his head before rushing outside.
“I’m late, thanks for the food” , he barely manages to squeeze out.
She’s a constant in his life.
Likewise, it’s a comforting change as opposed to before. Long trips to the hospital, plushies and various gifts held in the bag underneath his arm. Now, she’s only a few steps away!
…something about that unsettles Tsukasa – he doesn’t even know what about it unsettles him. It’s just wrong.
He doesn’t like it, or rather, doesn’t particularly enjoy how different everything feels.
He’s used to thrice a week hospital trips, walking to the pastry shop alone, the absence of his parents, the silence of the Tenma household, mastering the art of cooking after countless nights spent alone, refrigerator sticky notes– ‘Sorry, spending the night with Saki, will be back tomorrow afternoon’ , memorising his parents schedule; they always visited on Thursday’s, silence, silence, silence–
Not anymore. All of thats changed, all of thats in the past, and he should be used to it by now, shouldn’t feel these negative feelings when the topic of Saki’s release comes up, but he’s not, and he still has not a clue as to why .
Her big, bubbly smile alone is enough to give him a warm feeling in his heart, warm enough to melt his organs into one giant, abnormal mess. And that’s what concerns him; the feeling. It’s… unusual, unfamiliar, or rather, abandoned, a while since he’s felt this feeling.
Despite how warm it feels, how comforting the sensation is, despite everything, it’s still unfamiliar, and that’s what scares him.
With Saki around more often than before, he feels the need to feel feelings even more, to smile again, to smile more often, re-acclimatize to the sensation of the corners of his lips stretching wide, the uncomfortable feeling of his cheekbones being raised so high the edges of his eyes close in, the self-conciousness of exposing his teeth more often.
It’s weird, and he’d like for this to all go away, for everything to go back to the way it was before.
Yet, he can’t deny he’d miss Saki.
She’s here to stay.
And no matter how much he and his brain denies and wants to deny it, they both know that it’s a fact, a fact they’re both struggling to accept with open arms.
What’s also a fact, is that there’s still no good reason why he should be feeling this way, feeling such negative emotions regarding his sister’s release. These emotions are temporary, hopefully, but for now, he’s confused.
He doesn’t want his life to be any different than what it is now, with Saki by his side, he’s aware of that. So why is this emotion– this feeling. Why is it messing around with him when all he wants is to be happy with his sister, his family, and this picture perfect life?
This life doesn’t need to change, he doesn’t want it to change, what’s confusing him?
…
It comes to him at that very moment, this feeling, everything that’s been messing with him. And he almost cringes at himself in embarrassment.
Tenma Tsukasa, is afraid of change.
Afraid of the change of his parents schedule completely, surprised when there’s no sticky note to be found, surprised when they arrive home from work in the evening instead of watching their car rush past into the direction of the hospital.
Scared how he’s not needing to put his cooking skills to use as often, finding himself rushing stairs to get situated on dinner only to spot his mother in conversation with Saki as she starts the stove up.
Arriving home from school to a fully-lit house, cursing himself for wasting power before walking in and spotting his father inside instead of the dreaded silence, loneliness of the household.
Putting his shoes on at the doorway, bundle of plushies underneath his armpit, only to be tapped on the shoulder by his little sister.
Waking up to a house booming with joy and laughter, with all of his family finally together and- that- it's horrifying.
She- everybody he knows and loves, is only a few steps away, and that terrifies him to his very core.
But he’d much rather have this than nothing, so he pushes forward, smiling genuinely, ignoring how strange it feels and how strange it must look.
He finds that he doesn’t regret it at all.
They’re safe, a constant in his life, and they’re here to stay.