Archive of Our Own

The first time it happens, Christen completely embarrasses herself. She’s leaving Starbucks when she hears her name being called, and she whirls around with a bright, toothpaste commercial-worthy smile to see which of her constantly growing group of LA friends it is. She keeps smiling even when she realizes it isn’t anyone she knows, but a young girl no older than 13, flanked by two other girls the same age and a woman who must be one of their mothers.

“You are Christen Press, right?” the girl asks, but it’s evident by her grin that she already knows the answer.

“Yeah, I am,” Christen says, her cheeks turning red. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Madison,” the girl says. “These are my best friends, Jenna and Katie.”

“We became best friends this year because we love watching your videos!” Jenna says excitedly. “We did your back-to-school makeup tutorial, but our moms wouldn’t let us wear it to school.”

The mom smiles. “I’m sorry,” she says, mostly to Christen. “No makeup in public till she’s 15. That’s our rule for Madison, anyway.”

“I didn’t even own a lip gloss till I was 16,” Christen laughs. “You and my mom would get along.”

“Um, can we get a picture?” Madison asks. Christen’s heart is still beating out of her chest as she tries to remember if she even bothered to brush her hair before going out in public, but she nods, and the girls crowd her excitedly as the mom gets her phone ready to take a picture.

Passersby keep turning, squinting at Christen to figure out where they should know her from. She bends her knees slightly to be closer to the girls’ height, and after they smile and pose, the mom puts her phone down. Christen straightens up, but the girl standing to her right moves at the same time, bumping Christen’s arm and causing her hot coffee to spill all over both of them—most notably, the girl’s white shorts.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” Christen exclaims, panicking. The girl looks shocked, but not mad. Christen runs over to the outside table with napkins and sugar packets and attempts to wipe it all up, but the damage is done.

She practically runs away, the girls shouting their thank yous after her. Her hands shake as she dials Kelley’s cell. She doesn’t pick up, so Christen leaves a lengthy voicemail detailing exactly what just happened and why she is not at all cut out for this.

Kelley talked her down at home later, but the incident, one Christen would playfully recount in her blog and in interviews for years, haunts her for a while.

It was a little different for Tobin, the first time she was recognized in public. She, too, was drinking coffee, but it remained in her cup during the entire exchange. And to be fair, she was only really recognized as an afterthought when her friends Ali and Ashlyn got stopped walking back to their setup on the beach after grabbing a cup from the pier.

They were the whole reason Tobin started posting her videos online, really. She would have been content to do her thing under the radar, but Ashlyn reposted one of her Instagrams and the requests came flooding in.

“How much do you make doing the whole YouTube thing?” Tobin had asked Ashlyn casually while paddling out one morning.

“I don’t know, enough,” Ashlyn said. “Not enough to quit our day jobs, but the ad revenue pads our wallets nicely.” Of course, that was before their subscribers began to climb exponentially and both she and Ali did, in fact, quit their day jobs.

Tobin never had a day job, never believed in it, really. She got by on the kindness of strangers and friends, making whatever money she did need on things like surfing and swimming lessons for kids whose parents saw her at the beach.

Ali and Ashlyn didn’t mind her crashing on their couch so long as she didn’t mind their coupley eye sex all over the apartment (and, if she was particularly unlucky with her timing, actual sex once or twice as well). She never had enough stuff to take up too much room, and sometimes she’d disappear for up to a week because one of the guys at the skatepark suggested a spontaneous road trip.

The girl who spots them is coming in from surfing, her wetsuit around her waist, and Tobin can’t help but stare, just a bit. She must be around Tobin’s age, maybe a couple years younger, but Tobin is so busy checking out the girl’s body that she fails to realize she is coming straight toward them, grinning.

“This is so embarrassing, but are you Ali and Ashlyn?” she asks, blushing.

“Hey! Yeah, I’m Ashlyn,” she says, always way better at the fan interaction thing than anyone else. “Nice to see you, what’s your name?”

“I’m Brianna,” the girl said. “I love your videos. My girlfriend showed them to me.” Tobin’s eyes light up before she can stop herself. She likes girls, which is a positive. But she’s taken. Not so positive. Unless she’s doing the straight girl thing where they refer to their friends as girlfriends. Back to square one. “Well, ex-girlfriend, I guess.”

Now we’re talking, Tobin thinks.

“Oh!” Ali says. “Well, thank you. And I’m sorry.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine, it’s good,” Brianna says, waving away her concern before her eyes land on Tobin. “Oh my God, I know you!”

“You do?”

“Yes, your videos are insane. I bought a GoPro after watching some of them, but mine look like shit in comparison.”

“You surf?” Tobin asks, immediately feeling like an idiot. The girl is literally holding a surfboard under her arm.

Brianna laughs. “Yeah, you could say that.”

“Cool,” Tobin says. “I mean, I could definitely help you out with the whole filming thing. If you wanted.” Ali and Ashlyn exchange a glance. Smooth.

“What? Yeah!” Brianna says. “That would be sick.”

“Sweet,” Tobin says. “I’m assuming you don’t have your phone, but come hang and I can get your number.”

“Perfect.” Ali and Ashlyn exchange another look, in disbelief that it actually worked.

She joins them back at their mini-camp on the beach, where they chat for a while. Tobin gets her number before she forgets, and Brianna saves her contact information in Tobin’s phone with the surfer girl emoji attached. They find out not only does she surf, she’s actually a pro surfer who divides her time primarily between California and Hawaii. She’s a wandering spirit, much like Tobin, though, and she’ll go wherever there’s sun, waves, and the possibility of adventure.

Tobin knows they’re going to get along swimmingly.

Christen doesn’t think she’s ever going to get used to these huge parties filled with celebrities and YouTubers and people she should know but doesn’t. She has an intimate group of close Internet friends and a lot more acquaintances, but she gets jittery in crowd situations regardless of how many drinks she has in her system.

Kelley hands her another glass of wine as Christen chats with a group of girls her followers have been begging her to collaborate with for a game or tag video. They’re slightly younger than she is, and they do way funnier videos than Christen thinks she’d be capable of, but one girl, Steph, is talking animatedly about an idea she had for a parody music video about a bad first date starring Christen (she won’t have to sing, Steph assures her), and Christen feels her excitement, nodding along.

“I hate to cut in, but can I steal you for a sec, Chris?” Kelley asks.

“Yeah, of course,” Christen says. “You have my number, right?” Steph nods, and Christen hugs her and her friend Sam quickly.

“I need you because that girl we’re trying to sign is here,” Kelley whispers under her breath. “I need a reason to go up and talk to her beyond just being desperate.”

Christen laughs, rolling her eyes. Kelley started out representing Christen as just a friend helping out a friend, but as Christen’s stock grew, so did Kelley’s job. She ended up getting hired with a talent management firm called First Touch that works with a lot of young entrepreneurial types like the ones on YouTube, but they’ve branched out lately to grow the business, signing young actors and authors and even athletes. The one Kelley is referring to has been her job for the past two months, a professional surfer whose 70,000 Instagram followers would make her a hot commodity even if her tendency to win didn’t.

Even if you knew nothing else about her except that she surfs, you’d know which one she was in the middle of the party. Her look screams “surfer chick,” from the beachy waves in her highlighted hair to her permanently tanned skin that puts Christen’s to shame. She doesn’t stop smiling, no matter who’s speaking to her, and when she turns and sees Kelley approaching, she brightens even more, something Christen didn’t think was possible.

“Kelley!” she exclaims, hugging her. “I was hoping I’d see you here.”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Kelley says. “Brianna, this is Christen, my best friend and roommate.”

“I’ve heard so much about you!” Brianna says. “Kelley speaks highly of you.”

“Same to you,” Christen says, doing the typical LA quick-hug-and-cheek-kiss thing you do when meeting someone new who you kind of already feel like you know.

“I’m also not ashamed to admit I am a total fangirl,” Brianna says. “I subscribed before you hit a million subscribers.”

“Oh wow, that long ago?” Christen says, cringing at how obnoxious the words sound coming from her lips.

“Your advice videos got me through college,” Brianna says. “And I rarely wear makeup, but I still watch all your makeup tutorials and haul videos because you’re so mesmerizing.” Christen’s cheeks turn pink as another tan, lanky girl walks up behind Brianna with a drink in her hand.

“Club soda?” she says, and Brianna takes it from her hand, smiling.

“Babe, this is Christen Press,” she says.

“Hey, nice to meet you,” the girl says, extending her hand to shake Christen’s. Her smile might even contest Brianna’s. “I’m Tobin.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Christen says warmly.

“Can I steal you for a second?” Kelley asks Brianna, nodding over to an open couch.

“Yeah, of course. Be nice,” Brianna teases, giving Tobin a quick kiss on the cheek.

“So, uh,” Tobin says. “Are you just here with Kelley, or—”

“She’s here with me,” Christen says, perhaps a little defensively.

“Oh, sorry,” Tobin says. “I didn’t mean it like—should I know you?”

“What? No.” Christen’s face is red now, and she tries to figure out how to backtrack. One thing she never wants to do is be one of those “don’t you know who I am?” people. But part of her is used to being at this kind of function and being the person everyone wants to talk to.

“Sorry, I’m just bad at this whole networking thing,” Tobin says. “I meet people and then forget, so I just want to make sure I’m not—”

“Oh, no, no, you’re fine,” Christen says. “Kelley’s my roommate. And my manager.”

“So you’re biased, but you think Brianna should sign with them, right?”

Christen shrugs. “Kelley’s been my best friend since college. She's fiercely protective of her clients, but probably me the most since we've been friends for so long. She's organized and responsible and really good at making connections. I can't imagine Brianna would find someone better.”

Tobin nods. “Good,” she says. “I just want her to be in good hands.”

“Of course you want the best for your girlfriend,” Christen says. Tobin laughs.

“Not my girlfriend,” she says. “You're definitely not the first to think that, though.”

“Oh.” Christen blushes. “My bad.”

“Nah, you’re good,” Tobin says. “She’s awesome. I’m just not really a relationship person. She isn’t really either. We’re just having fun, she doesn’t even live here. I mean, she goes between here and—” Tobin keeps rambling, though she’s not sure why. Christen smiles graciously.

“No need to explain, I understand.”

“Anyway, like you said. I care. I just want what’s best for her.”

“I probably would have given up on this whole thing a long time ago without Kelley,” Christen says. “It can be really overwhelming. And lonely.”

“I can imagine,” Tobin says.

“So, what do you do?” Christen asks.

“What kind of question is that?” Tobin laughs. Christen’s face falls. “Like, I do a lot of things. I surf, I drink coffee, I brush my teeth…”

“Okay, I get it,” Christen says, rolling her eyes. “What do you do for a living?”

“Now you’re getting to the point,” Tobin says. “Mostly YouTube. Some surfing and skating lessons for kids.”

“You do YouTube?” Christen asks, brightening considerably.

Tobin shrugs. “Better than some office job,” she says. “I do like surfing and skating vlogs. Sometimes my friends and I will go on road trips or hikes or whatever and for some reason people really like that.”

“That sounds really cool, I’ll have to check it out,” Christen says.

“It pays the bills,” Tobin says.

“What bills?” Brianna asks, rejoining them alongside Kelley. “You don’t even have an apartment.”

“That’s true,” Tobin concedes.

“When I’m in town, she stays with me at whatever hotel I’m at,” Brianna says, rolling her eyes good-naturedly. “Speaking of, I have an early morning, so we’d better get going. You ready?”

“Yeah, sure,” Tobin says.

“I’m going to sleep on what we talked about, but I’ll call you sometime tomorrow to find a time to meet up,” Brianna promises Kelley, taking her hand and squeezing. “Thank you so much.”

“I guess it went well?” Christen asks when they’ve said their goodbyes. Kelley smiles.

“You make an amazing ice-breaker, my friend.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t know who she was!” Ali exclaims for at least the fifth time when Tobin returns to their apartment after Brianna leaves. “I can’t believe Ashlyn convinced me to skip the party!”

“Me? You were the one who kept complaining about how heels were going to give you blisters.”

“Whatever,” Ali says.

“Ali’s mad because she’s in love with her,” Ashlyn says. “She was at VidCon this year and I think Ali spent half the time creeping on her social media to see where she’d be.”

“That’s so not true, but she did pass by us backstage before a panel and waved.”

“I thought you were going to pass out.”

“You’re out of luck, I’m pretty sure she’s dating her manager,” Tobin says. “I mean, she said they’re roommates, but she’s like 26 and worth a million dollars, no way does she need a roommate.”

“You should sell that story to TMZ,” Ashlyn says. “But I’m pretty sure she’s straight.”

“Tragic,” Ali sighs, mostly to get under Ashlyn’s skin.

“Well, Bri’s signing with her manager, so I’m sure we’ll know eventually.”

“I can’t believe you met her,” Ali grumbles again.

Their second meeting is slightly less formal, if you could call the first one formal at all. Christen has a meeting at a restaurant in the Grove with a potential new sponsor, but she could barely stomach the far-too-fancy lunch, so as soon as she leaves, she heads to In-N-Out, business casual dress and all.

Naturally, the second she takes a huge bite of her burger is when she’s recognized. She looks up, wiping her mouth with her napkin and running her tongue over her teeth to make sure there’s nothing stuck. She smiles when she sees someone she actually recognizes, and she breathes a sigh of relief.

“Hey!” Christen says. “Uh—”

“Tobin,” the girl says. “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have expected you to remember.”

Christen turns red. “I’m sorry, I’m usually way better about—”

“You have seven million subscribers, I am just amazed you recognized me at all.”

“Who told you?”

“Brianna,” Tobin says honestly. “My friends—roommates, kinda—were shocked I didn’t recognize you. Sorry. I’m not really into the whole beauty realm.”

“That’s okay,” Christen laughs. “You never told me your channel, I wanted to check it out. Better yet, what’s your Twitter?” She pulls out her phone and taps a few times till the Twitter screen is pulled up.

“Just my name. Tobin Heath.”

Christen types it in, laughing. “Creative.”

“What’s yours?”

Christen pauses, looking up slowly. “Christen Press,” she says. “Whatever. Clearly we could both use some work. There, I’m following you.”

“This should really up my stock,” Tobin teases, clicking the notification. She figures Twitter must have some algorithm for when a verified account with millions of followers follows you.

“We’ll see,” Christen says. “Oh my God, I’m so rude, you’ve just been standing there. Sit down, please!”

“No, I’m heading out anyway,” Tobin says, lifting her to-go bag. “It was nice seeing you again.”

“Yeah, you too!”

Christen spends that evening curled up on the couch with a glass of wine, laughing as she watches Tobin’s latest vlog. Hours later, she’s found herself having watched all her vlogs from the past six months with no signs of slowing down. She’s all for creators promoting each other, and there’s no way someone can make her laugh this hard and not get a shoutout, so she pulls out her phone to post a tweet.

@christenpress: Up way past my bedtime watching @tobinheath vlogs… Can you say new obsession? Sooo good.

The retweets, favorites, and mentions come flooding in, and Christen smiles as she scrolls through, favoriting her followers’ kind words. One of them asks for her favorite Tobin vlog, and she answers immediately.

@christenpress: @presston55 Disneyland!!! When she asked the little girl dressed up like a princess for her autograph I died.

Not long after, she gets a notification that Tobin started following her, and soon after that, a tweet from her comes in.

@tobinheath: @christenpress haha no wayyyyy. I’ve been watching yours for the past two hours. You kill it! #fannumber7millionandone”

Christen doesn’t know why, but her stomach does a little flip when she sees that tweet come in. Then her mentions start filling with replies to Tobin about filming a video with Christen. One stands out to her, a request that Tobin teach Christen how to surf.

@christenpress: @kayleebrooke @tobinheath I am such a scaredy cat!! But she makes it look so fun! Maybe one day

@tobinheath: @christenpress I’m game

At this point, the replies are getting overwhelming, so Christen direct messages Tobin instead.

“I don’t know about learning to surf, but we should collab sometime! Clearly we have overlapping subscribers.”

“That’d be dope,” Tobin replies. “Let’s plan on it.”

Planning is easier said than done when trying to work with two schedules as busy as theirs, but eventually they manage to meet up for lunch at Chipotle (Tobin’s favorite), where they fail miserably at actually planning a collab because they get so wrapped up in conversation and getting to know each other.

“Wait, you live with that adorable lesbian couple?” Christen asks in disbelief. “I love them! I saw them at VidCon this year and was too shy to talk to them.”

“Ali is going to die when she hears that,” Tobin laughs. “By the way, can I ask you something? Sorry if it’s kind of personal.”

“Um, yeah, sure.”

“Why the hell is your channel called sweetnsassy23?”

“Oh my God,” Christen groans. “I’ll never escape it. That’s so embarrassing.”

“I think it’s the perfect description, but—”

“I was 17, shut up!” Christen laughs, tossing a balled-up napkin at Tobin. “I’ve tried to get it changed so many times, but now that just my name shows up when you look me up, I forget it’s there. You’re observant, though, aren’t you?”

“One of my best qualities,” Tobin says. “You realize we’ve been here for an hour and a half and haven’t actually talked about a video idea at all?”

“Oops,” Christen says, cringing. “It’s probably better this way, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, I’m happy I’ve gotten to know you a little more first. You can feel like you know someone based on their videos or their social media, but that’s not totally real. But I’m really into authenticity, you know? I never want to collab with someone or work with a sponsor and have it be fake. I had a makeup brand approach me about a deal, and it probably would have been the biggest sponsorship I’d ever gotten, but I did some research and found out they test on animals and a lot of other things that made me pump the brakes on it. It’s not worth losing my subscribers’ trust.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t test on animals.”

“That’s definitely a pro,” Christen laughs. “Oh my God, I’ve got it!”

“What?”

“What if we do like a switching places kind of thing where you spend a day in the life of a beauty vlogger and I spend a day in the life of… whatever it is you are.”

“Oh, thanks,” Tobin laughs.

“You know what I mean! How fun would that be?”

“Christen Press, are you saying you are going to let me teach you to surf?”

It doesn’t matter how many times Christen has to wake up before the sunrise, she doesn’t thinks he’ll ever get used to it. The day Tobin takes her surfing is no different. There’s a knock at her apartment door at exactly 5:06 a.m., and she opens it begrudgingly to a camera in her face.

“Good morning!” Tobin greets. “I brought coffee.”

Christen puts her hand in front of her face. “Fuck off,” she grumbles.

“You just said that because you know I have to edit that out,” Tobin says, lowering the camera.

“You got me.” Christen reaches for the coffee. “Thank you for this, though. I’m going to grab my phone, then I’ll be ready to go.”

She disappears down the hallway and into a door while Tobin looks around the apartment. She’s seen bits and pieces in Christen’s videos, but actually being in it is a totally different story. It’s not the type of place she’d expect a near-celebrity to live, but it makes sense, knowing what little she knows about Christen. It isn’t big by any standards, but it’s cozy and homey and beautifully adorned with furniture and decor that nobody their age would typically purchase.

Christen emerges from the room and groans. “Hang on, I think my sandals are in Kelley’s room. She’s going to kill me, but whatever.” She walks through another door and Tobin hears grumbling and whining and a hushed “sorry!” before Christen emerges triumphant.

“Wait, so that’s your room, and that’s Kelley’s?” Tobin asks, motioning between the doorways.

“Yeah?” Christen says, confused. “Why?”

“Oh,” Tobin says. “Okay. Nothing, I was just… nothing.”

Tobin starts out filming a little bit of everything: the waves, the sunrise, Christen paddling. Christen is a little perturbed by the camera, and she sees the irony in that, but she’s fascinated by Tobin’s process.

“I can see the video in my head already,” Tobin says by way of explanation. “Not the exact series of events, but how it’s all going to come together eventually. This one is going to be a little longer than most of mine because I want it to tell a story, not just be like ‘hey, here’s what I did.’”

“And what’s the story?”

“That’s up to you,” Tobin says, smiling. “It’s your story, I’m just telling it.”

Tobin keeps the camera out, extended to face them while she’s instructing Christen about what to do, but she puts it down in order to actually help her out with it. They catch a few falls on camera, and Christen laughs at herself, but Tobin keeps helping and encouraging her. She only stands up on the board once, but it’s a good start, Tobin assures her. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all.

“How ya feeling?” Tobin asks, catching Christen mid-yawn as they finally return to the beach to sit and take a break.

“Exhausted,” Christen says, turning to face Tobin and her camera. “That’s not as easy as it looks.”

“You were a trooper,” Tobin says. “Do you need a nap or are you ready for part two?”

“Why can’t a nap be part two?” Christen pouts.

Tobin drives them to a breakfast place Christen has never been to before, but when she looks over the menu, she’s impressed.

“You can’t possibly come here every day, you’d go broke,” she says, raising an eyebrow at the $25 eggs benedict.

“Okay, this is what I wish a day in my life was typically,” Tobin says. “But you’re not going to complain about a delicious free meal, are you?”

Christen considers arguing about paying for her meal till she remembers her wallet is in Tobin’s car anyway.

Tobin doesn’t pull her camera back out until their food and drinks arrive. “I can honestly say I’ve never seen someone drink a mimosa with huevos rancheros,” Tobin says.

Christen sticks her tongue out. “I need the protein from the workout this morning and the champagne because you made me wake up at the crack of dawn.”

“I have a feeling I’m going to win this challenge.”

“What challenge? There’s no challenge.”

“Sure there is,” Tobin laughs. She turns the camera onto herself. “Go watch our video on Christen’s channel when you’re done with this one and tell us in the comments who did better at being the other person for a day.”

“If I’m supposed to be you, shouldn’t I be holding the camera?” Christen asks.

“Good point.” Tobin hands her the camera. “All yours.”

Once Christen takes over, she feels completely out of her element. She’s done vlogs before, but never any as good as Tobin’s. She’s much more comfortable with lighting equipment and a tripod and the little bedroom set in her office that isn’t really where she sleeps. Tobin helps her steady the camera at times, teasing her for how nervous she seems.

“You know you aren’t getting graded for this, right? Have fun,” Tobin insists. “The rest of my day is usually pretty boring, but you can come annoy Ali and Ashlyn with me and try to edit one of my vlogs.”

“I’m going to mess it up,” Christen groans.

“Nah, and don’t worry, all my footage is backed up so even if you manage to screw it up, I can scrap it.”

“That makes me feel better.”

When they get to Tobin’s apartment, Tobin turns into more of an interviewer again. “So,” she says, training the camera on Christen as she curls up on the loveseat in the living room. “You grew up here, correct?”

“Yeah, my family lives pretty close.”

“So how have you never tried surfing before today?”

“Okay, that's actually not true,” Christen says. “I've tried plenty of times, but when I was little my mom was so freaked out by the water that my sisters and I stayed away from anything that would make her panic. So Kelley was the first person to really get me to try.”

“And how'd that go?”

“Awful,” Christen laughs. “She was new to it as well, so she didn't know how to teach me. I left with a bloody nose and the promise I'd never do that again.”

“But you did it again.”

“I did.”

“You were an awesome student.”

“You were a great teacher.”

“Are you going to come out there again with me?”

“Depends, when do you start charging by the hour?”

“Are you kidding me? Hanging out with you is going to pay off way more in the end.” Tobin smirks to ensure Christen that she's joking, and Christen smiles, tossing a pillow at Tobin. “I’ll get my computer so we can do that part, I’m sure you’re busy and have places to be.”

“Not at all, I cleared my whole day for this.”

When Tobin gets back from her room, Christen is asleep on the loveseat. Tobin laughs to herself and gets out her camera.

“I guess someone can’t hang,” she whispers into the microphone, careful not to wake Christen. She edits quietly on the couch, ear buds in. Unfortunately, that means she can’t anticipate Ali and Ashlyn coming home from running errands and doing so in a loud way. “Guys!” she hisses, yanking her earbuds out when they turn on the lights.

“Sorry, sorry!” Ashlyn says, but Ali is speechless when she sees the girl rubbing her eyes on their loveseat.

“Hey,” Christen yawns, waving sleepily. “Sorry I just kind of crashed.”

“Th-that’s okay,” Ali says.

“I’m sorry, I’m Christen,” she says, standing up to greet them. “I forget we’ve never met, but I watch your videos all the time.”

“You—ours?” Ali asks. “We watch yours religiously. Your contouring video was life-changing. Ashlyn is really good at it, so I just let her do mine.”

“Well you both look amazing always,” Christen says. She turns to see Tobin filming and sticks her tongue out.

“You’re getting along with my roommates, you’re doing a better job at being me than I am,” Tobin says with a shrug.

“I feel like such a fangirl,” Ali says.

“That’s because you are,” Ashlyn says. “Come on, let’s leave them alone to do their thing.”

“Honestly, this is way more fun than most collabs,” Christen says. “I want to do this all the time now.”

“It’s probably just fun because you get to hang out with me,” Tobin says. “But I actually have to pick up Brianna from the airport in an hour. You’re more than welcome to come, but—”

“No, it’s all good!” Christen says. “I think we got some pretty good footage, but let me know if you need more and we can do it whenever we film the second part.”

The second part doesn’t get filmed for another two weeks, as Christen has to travel to New York for business meetings and a photo shoot. Tobin follows along on Snapchat for the first time ever because Christen makes it seem like more fun than just being a human doll strutting her stuff in outfits nobody would be caught dead wearing in real life.

Christen randomly texts Tobin from time to time about ideas she has, all of which Tobin is more than happy to go along with. She thinks Christen must be a little lonely, because she texts about other things too, things Tobin figures Christen would be telling her friends if they were around. She knows Kelley is in California because Brianna had what felt like fifteen meetings with her last week.

Tobin recognizes a lot of the people in Christen’s Snapchats from YouTube, but she doesn’t really know them personally, and Christen doesn’t mention them much. When Christen meets Sophia Bush, though, she doesn’t stop talking about it on every social media outlet as well as texts to Tobin.

Christen says she’ll be home October 11, but Tobin doesn’t expect her to text the very next day asking when she wants to get together to film. They agree on Monday, when they’ll both have the least amount going on.

They meet for coffee, where Christen has her notebook filled with plans and ideas and doodles that somehow come together in a story board.

“So we’ll vlog us filming, but then the actual video we film can be next week’s video,” Christen says, biting her lip and looking up for Tobin’s reaction. “We don’t have to do the actual video, but I think it would be kind of cool.”

“And kill two birds with one stone,” Tobin says. “I like it a lot. I’m going to make a total fool of myself, but I guess that’s the tradeoff for your surfing experience.”

“Are you saying I made a fool of myself?” Christen challenges.

“There’s room for improvement,” Tobin laughs.

They walk to the drugstore from Starbucks, and Christen films along the way. “What have you learned so far?” she asks Tobin, who strolls behind her.

“Being Christen Press requires a lot of caffeine,” Tobin says, lifting her coffee cup before taking a sip. “How many shots of espresso are in that venti?”

“Shut up,” Christen laughs. “That’s a very good point. Step one: coffee. Always.”

“Step two: makeup,” Tobin says as she walks through the automatic door, Christen filming her as she heads toward the beauty section.

“Okay, I’m going to pick up a few makeup things, some hair stuff, and some skin things,” Christen said. “You can grab whatever you want.” She walks to the next aisle to find her favorite facial cleanser, but when she comes back, she sees Tobin browsing the mascaras with an intense look of concentration similar to how Christen must have looked when attempting to surf. She brings out her camera and films Tobin, who eventually chooses one before looking up and seeing Christen.

“There’s a lot more to this stuff than I thought!” Tobin insists in her own defense.

“I’m very excited to see why you chose that one,” Christen laughs.

They check out separately, and Tobin tries to contain her shock when she hears the amount Christen spent, but she fails. Christen blushes a bit when she notices, but she just smiles.

“I know it seems ridiculous,” she says. “I’m not going to keep it all, though. Some things are for a giveaway and I’m doing this meet and greet next month and I’ve been looking for things to put in little goody bags for the girls.”

“Isn’t that what Kelley’s for?” Tobin teases.

“She arranges the events and helps me out with the fan mail and contracts and things,” Christen says. “But I like having control over my actual interaction with my subscribers. This giveaway will be based on the comments on the haul video, and the meet and greet is a super low-key thing where I’m going to paint pottery with some girls when I’m in Oklahoma next month.”

“Oklahoma? What’s there?”

“Some of my subscribers,” Christen shrugs. “They’ve been really supportive, so I want to do something for them.”

“That’s incredible,” Tobin says. “You’re a class act, CP.”

“Okay, what if you do my makeup and then for the opening shot I lie in your bed with this eye mask thing on and sit up and it’s like I’m waking up perfect.”

“Okay, that’s completely inaccurate, but I love it,” Christen says. “This isn’t even my real room and all my subscribers know it, but I feel like that makes it even better.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Tobin says. “You have to do it before we film, though, because I’m not going on camera on a beauty channel with no makeup. At least not next to you.”

“Lifestyle channel,” Christen corrects, rolling her eyes. “Fine, sit on this stool. But we have to film the haul before the bed thing because then we’ll have to remake the bed.”

Kelley joins them to film Christen putting on Tobin’s makeup, and they joke around like old friends, talking about YouTube and surfing and, of course, Brianna.

“She has a competition this weekend up the coast if you want to come watch,” Kelley tells Christen.

“Oh, I have a thing,” Christen says vaguely.

“What thing? I keep your appointments,” Kelley reminds her.

“It’s not a work thing.”

“Christen Press! Do you have a date?”

Christen turns bright red. “No!” she exclaims. “I’m getting dinner with Julie and Zach and one of their friends.”

“A guy friend?” Kelley asks.

“Kel,” Christen groans. “You’re distracting me.”

“I knew it!” Kelley cheers. “Christen thinks she’s sneaky, but she can’t get anything past me. Do you want to ride up together?”

“Um, I don’t know if I’m going,” Tobin says.

“What? Why not?” Kelley asks. Christen shoots her a look. Sometimes Kelley can’t quite read a room.

“I just have stuff to do,” Tobin says. “I’ll let you know if I decide to go, though.”

“Alright, there you go,” Christen says, brushing the last bit of powder across Tobin’s nose so she won’t be shiny under the lights. “We’ve got to film, Kel, and you’re a distraction.”

“Fine,” Kelley groans. “I guess I’ll go do some actual work.”

“Sorry about that,” Christen says.

“It’s fine, there’s nothing wrong,” Tobin says. “For the most part we just try to keep our personal and professional lives separate.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Christen says.

“Is that why you don’t talk about your relationships on camera?”

“Well, that and the fact that I haven’t been in a relationship since high school,” Christen laughs.

“Oh, Ali and Ashlyn were convinced you were dating some guy—”

“Nico” Christen says knowingly. “No, he’s just a good friend. He’s like the first person I ever met from YouTube. I had a little crush on him, and I think he really liked the idea of people thinking we were together, but it was never meant to be. I don’t care if people think we did. He needs time.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I’m not exactly his type…” Christen tries.

“Oh,” Tobin says. “Oh! Okay. Gotcha.”

“Right. Anyway, everyone pretty much knows, and he’s out to his friends and family, but he’s not ready to come out to his followers yet.”

“Well that’s alright,” Tobin says. “I know it can be weird.”

“Yeah, but then you’ve got people like Ali and Ashlyn and that whole group of guys who are totally out and proud.”

“That doesn’t mean everyone’s ready,” Tobin says. “He’s lucky to have a friend like you, though.”

Christen smiles, fiddling with the camera on the tripod before sitting down next to Tobin, double checking the focus.

It takes several attempts and plenty of bloopers to get through the video, which Christen found herself laughing the whole way through.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had that much fun shooting,” she tells Tobin after they film the sequence in Christen’s fake bed.

“We make a good team,” Tobin says. “What’s next in sweetnsassy23 world?”

“I can’t believe you have me saved in your phone as that.” Halfway through the video, when Tobin had referred to a lip color as “sweet and sassy,” she held her phone up to the camera and told Christen to text her so the viewers could see what happens. Christen gasped when she saw “CP Sweetnsassy23” pop up on the screen, but she secretly felt flattered that Tobin had her saved as something other than just her first and last name.

“It was that or a Press pun.”

“The lesser of two evils,” Christen sighs.

“By the way, I’m considering naming our video ‘First Impressions.’”

“No you aren’t!”

“Dead serious,” Tobin laughs. “If you hate it I won’t. My second option is ‘Sweetnsassy Surfing.’”

“Do you want to know what’s next or what?”

“Is it some fabulous party with all your fabulous friends?” Tobin teases, and Christen’s face feels warm.

“I don’t really do that very often,” Christen says. “I kind of prefer staying in. All that small talk exhausts me.”

“I feel that,” Tobin says. “But you’re so charismatic.”

“Ha.”

“You are! You totally dazzle rooms.”

“It gets easier, I guess,” Christen says. “At first I hated every second of those types of things. But when I got to know people—like really got to know people, not just know their names and their channels—it got better. Now some of my best friends are from YouTube, but there are still a lot of people who are just acquaintances. And that can be draining.”

“Why do you think that is?” Tobin asks.

Christen shrugs. “At first I thought I could be friends with everyone, and I realized pretty quickly that wasn’t going to work. It’s really hard when you trust people and then come to find out they were just using you and they don’t really care about you.”

“That’s shitty. What did you do?”

“I realized I can’t control other people, just myself,” Christen says. “I try to treat everyone with kindness, but I don’t really let people in unless they prove themselves. I’m not super high maintenance, I don’t think, like I don’t make being my friend a test, but my mom always used to tell me that when people show you who they are, you should believe them.”

“That’s pretty wise, I might have to steal that,” Tobin says.

“My mom would be flattered.”

“Okay, so what’s next?” Tobin asks.

Christen looks at her watch. “Have you ever played soccer?”

Tobin has, in fact, played soccer, but clearly not as much as Christen has. They walk to a field near Christen’s apartment and use the remaining hour of daylight to kick the ball around before people start arriving for a not-completely-spontaneous pick-up game.

“So this is what you do for fun?” Tobin asks, collapsing on the field when the match is called. Christen had the game winner, as well as most of the goals, honestly, but Tobin assisted on at least one.

“Do you think a single one of those people watches YouTube beauty videos?” Christen asks, kinking an eyebrow. “This is as fun as it gets. It’s as anonymous as I can be.”

“I couldn’t do it.”

“Sure you could, you were good out there! With a little practice, we could be a killer duo.”

“Not soccer,” Tobin laughs. “I was really good in high school. With a little practice I’d beat your ass. I mean the whole fame thing.”

“What are you talking about? You have like half a million followers.”

“You have 8 million. I get overwhelmed by it from time to time, but I can’t imagine that multiplied by… 16,” she says, doing the math in her head.

Christen shrugs. “The way I see it, they’re the reason I have a job. They’re the reason I have the friends I do and the life I do. If that means it takes longer than usual to get my morning coffee or that I have to stop for pictures in the airport after a red-eye, it’s a small price to pay for such an amazing opportunity. I’m really lucky.”

“With answers like that, you need to compete for Miss America.”

“I’m not going to lie, it drains me sometimes,” Christen says. “But when that happens, I usually just step away from the internet and my phone for a while. Kelley says I hibernate, but sometimes I can’t take the real world, you know?”

“That makes sense,” Tobin says. “I get that. When that happens to me I usually kind of run away. I’m more of a traveler, I guess.”

“I’m a homebody,” Christen laughs. “Nobody really believes it when I talk about it in my videos, but it’s true.”

“Me too.”

“Tobin, you don’t have a home,” Christen says. Tobin is quiet, and she thinks she might have struck a nerve. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“No,” Tobin says. “You’re right. I guess I just think of the people I love as my home, you know? I was so homesick when I went to college because I had never really left home before. But when I made friends I kind of created a new family, and that homesick feeling went away. I realized if I could do that everywhere I went, I’d never have to feel that way again.”

“That’s beautiful,” Christen says, and she means it, even though she hears the way it sounds leaving her mouth and blushes. “I know that sounded…”

“I don’t think you have a mean-spirited bone in your body,” Tobin says. “Except maybe in your feet. Both of them. Aren’t you only supposed to shoot from one or the other? That’s just not fair.”

“One of the things I do when I hibernate is come out here and practice shooting,” Christen says. “Five in the morning, midnight, middle of the afternoon, whatever. From all different angles, distances, whatever.”

“Why soccer?”

“I played in college,” Christen says. “That’s how I know Kelley, we both played for Stanford.”

Tobin whistles. “That’s pretty sick.”

Christen smiles. “It was fun,” she says vaguely. “Kelley won the—well, it’s this huge award in the college soccer world—her senior year and then I won it the year after.”

“So why’d you stop?”

“I graduated.”

“Why didn’t you go pro?”

Christen laughs. “Oh, it’s that easy, is it?”

“Well I don’t know, you won a huge award!”

“Kelley played for two years after graduating, I played for one. Then the league dissolved. Kelley played for the National Team for a little bit of that. She was supposed to go to the World Cup, but she was the last one cut. I think it broke her heart more than—it was bad.”

“So she stopped?”

Christen shrugs. “I don’t think it was quite that simple. I had these offers to play abroad and I was trying to figure out what to do with my life, and she needed a change of scenery, so she came and stayed with me and my family. That’s when I started doing YouTube for real. I was bored and I needed to channel my energy into something.”

“Do you ever regret it?” Tobin asks. “Not going abroad to play soccer?”

Christen doesn’t make eye contact when she smiles this time, instead looking past Tobin then back down at her hands. “I’m really really lucky,” she says in lieu of an answer.

They post the videos at the same time Friday morning. When Christen has a video planned that doesn’t really fit into a category, like this one, she likes to post it on Fridays as a little something extra in addition to her typical Tuesday and Thursday videos. She is hyper aware that the majority of her viewers come home from school to see them in their subscription boxes, and to them it is a treat.

Tobin doesn’t really think of those things, so when Christen suggests Friday, she doesn’t question it, just schedules it for the same time as Christen’s (11 a.m. Pacific, 2 p.m. Eastern). She sends it to Christen first so she can approve it, and Christen texts her reactions while she watches, everything from “that shot at 1:45 is SICK” to “I cannot believe you filmed me practically drooling on your couch… gonna kill you.” Of course, in the end she signs off on it and sends Tobin her own video to preview.

Christen only considers it might be poor planning when Julie clears her throat for the third time in fifteen minutes to get Christen’s attention.

“Sorry,” she says guiltily, tucking her phone into her purse. She's technically on a date, even though she's not really feeling it. Then again, maybe her lack of interest has more to do with her lack of focus. “I know this is so rude, Tobin is sending me the funny comments on her video and the edits people are making. I'm sorry, I'm here.”

“It's all good,” Jasper says. He’s a friend of Zach and Julie’s from college, and they catch up from time to time when they're in town, which is more often lately. Christen has been trying to talk JJ into moving into a condo within walking distance of hers and Kelley’s, but she and Zach are both hesitant. “I know how it goes. When I post something new I love seeing how fans interact right away. It's thrilling!”

“Oh, you do YouTube?”

“Chris, we've been talking about his music career,” Julie says impatiently.

“I'm sorry, I promise I'm paying attention now!” Christen says, taking a sip of her drink. Too sweet. She must not have been paying attention when they ordered, and now she vaguely remembers saying she’d have what Julie’s having.

“No worries,” he says, a toothy grin spreading across his face. “You're far more interesting anyway.”

Christen turns down the offers to go out after dinner, instead opting for a quiet night lying in bed and responding to some emails. They catch an Uber and drop her off, and Jasper insists on walking her up to her door, which she doesn't need him to do, but she smiles graciously anyway.

“It was nice meeting you,” he says, his hand on the small of her back. “Thanks for being a good sport, I know double dates can be the worst. Especially for a blind date.”

“It was fun!” Christen says, turning to face him as they approach the door. Truthfully, it wasn't particularly fun, just another dinner and drinks thing with friends and some guy she was supposed to be trying to impress. She thinks it would have been more fun to hang out and catch up with just JJ and Zach and had a separate one-on-one date with Jasper. That way if it were a bad date, at least it wouldn't have tainted her precious time with two of her dearest friends. “You didn't have to pay, but I appreciate it.”

“Yeah, of course,” Jasper says, shifting as he places his hands in his pockets. “So um, maybe next time we could try this just you and me?”

“Sure,” Christen says. “Sounds good.”

“Cool, sweet,” Jasper says. “I'll see you.” He turns to go before spinning back around. “I'm an idiot,” he laughs. “I didn't get your number.”

“Could be important,” Christen says. She takes his phone from him and programs her number in. “Just text me so I have yours.”

“Done,” he says, tapping a few buttons. “Have a good night, beautiful.” He leans in quickly for a kiss half on the cheek, half on the mouth, catching Christen off guard. She laughs uneasily, suddenly feeling shy, and fumbles for her keys to unlock the door, waving a quick goodbye as she slips into the apartment and he heads back down to the car.

Christen has just enough time to take off her makeup, change into her pajamas, and pour herself and Kelley glasses of wine for post-date story time before she gets a notification that Jasper tagged her in a picture on Instagram.

She rolls her eyes, knowing immediately that the picture, a selfie he took of the four of them at dinner, would result in an influx of “are they dating?” comments that she doesn't want to deal with. Still, she knows it's different for guys, and he probably just isn't used to that kind of attention, so she likes the picture anyway and makes a note to herself to talk to him about it next time.

Over the next two weeks, Christen finds herself growing fond of Jasper. He’s sweet and introspective and easy to talk to, and Christen chalks up the awkwardness to the nerves that come along with a first date with other people present. He’s a little softer than Christen is used to when it comes to men, but she’s open to new things.

They arrange a coffee date, where Jasper opens up about moving to a new city where he had no friends to chase a dream and Christen admits her fears that none of this “success” will last and she’ll be left aimless and alone. They share a real first kiss in his car in the parking garage afterwards. One kiss turns into several, and before long, she finds herself in his bedroom, breathlessly bringing things to a halt because it’s too much too fast.

She waits for the other shoe to drop, for him to sigh in frustration and pressure her to continue, but it doesn’t happen. Instead, he pulls away and smiles, placing one more kiss on her lips before offering to drive her home.

She recounts it all to Tobin a week later when Tobin returns from a Grand Canyon road trip. They sit on Christen’s couch and watch his videos. Tobin has to make a snarky comment here and there about how she didn’t expect Christen to go for such a clean-cut “nice guy” type, and Christen rolls her eyes and laughs because honestly, neither did she. But this doesn’t seem to be an act on Jasper’s part, and she proves it by scrolling through their texts and reading her favorites aloud to Tobin.

“Hey dude, whatever floats your boat,” Tobin says, lifting her hands in defense. “He seems nice, and if you’re happy, I’m all about it.”

“Hey, speaking of,” Christen says, clicking an incoming text from him. “Oh, he posted a new original song! Is this so annoying? Because I can watch later.”

“No way, I’ll watch with you.”

Christen pulls it up on her computer, smiling when the video starts. The song is called “Stay Awhile” according to the title of the video, and he starts it with an intro that makes Christen’s face go red.

“Hey guys, this is my latest song. I wrote it a few weeks ago after I went on an amazing first date with this incredible girl. I finished it this week after an even better second date. The lyrics will fill in the blanks for you guys, but I hope you enjoy. And I really hope she enjoys.” He winks at the camera before starting. The song is overly produced, and the lyrics are cheesy, but the little references to her and their dates make her smile.

She texts him when it’s over. “I like it! I want it on my phone ;)”

“MP3 coming right up,” he replies. She gets an email a few minutes later that she mentally notes to download later.

“That was cute,” Tobin says. “He’s right, your eyes are very green.”

Christen laughs. “Gee, what a compliment.” She looks down at her phone to see another text, and her face furrows in confusion.

“What?”

“Jasper texted again.”

“And?”

“He asked if I was going to tweet it.”

Tobin cringes. “Yikes. Don’t reply.”

“I can’t just not reply!” Christen says. “I thought we like agreed to be low-key, and if I tweet it won’t people think I’m confirming it’s about me?”

Tobin nods slowly. “Do you think that’s maybe the point?” she asks gently.

“Like, that he…” Christen starts, but she already knows Tobin is right. The concept lurks in her head with every new person she meets: What if they’re just using her? It only gets sketchier when the person is in the entertainment industry.

Even still, she pulls up his Twitter to see if there are any hints she missed. Right off the bat, she’s bombarded by his replies to his followers (or “fans,” as he calls them), most of whom are asking for further hints on who the song is about. One girl asks directly if it’s about Christen, to which he replies, “Some things are better left unsaid… but she does have some beautiful green eyes, doesn’t she? ;)”

“Chris, don’t bother,” Tobin says, taking her phone and closing her computer. “He’s not worth it.”

“I thought he was different,” Christen says, cringing at the cliche as it slips past her lips. “This fucking sucks.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear,” Tobin says.

“You have so,” Christen says.

“Like when?”

“The very first time you came over, when it was way too fucking early.” Christen cracks a smile.

“Ah, yes,” Tobin says. “Well, for what it’s worth, he’s a fucking dick.”

“That’s definitely the first time I’ve heard you say it.”

“I don’t say it often, so when I do, I mean business.”

“I like it.”

“I like it when you say it” Tobin laughs. “I like when the sassy part of sweetnsassy23 comes out.”

Then Christen is laughing and Tobin keeps going, because watching her laugh is far preferable to seeing her face when she thinks about some tool who dared take advantage of the sweetest (and yes, sassiest, but in a good way) woman Tobin knows.

When Christen talks about it later with Kelley and JJ, she chalks it up to “just not feeling it,” too humiliated to tell even her closest friends, but part of her is glad at least Tobin knows. She knows it will stay between them and Tobin won't bring it up, but if Christen ever needs to talk, Tobin will understand.

Christen realizes she kinda maybe probably has feelings for Tobin at Thanksgiving. She's invited to be a correspondent for NBC’s coverage of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, an honor she excitedly accepts before realizing it means she won't be home for the holiday.

Kelley offers to go with her so she won't be alone, but Christen refuses, fully aware of how long it's been since Kelley’s been home and how much she's missed her family.

Tobin finds out by accident, really, after Christen tweets the announcement video. She retweets it, saying “Way to go, CP! Do you get your own float?” but then texts her. “Thanksgiving dinner all alone in the big city?”

“Seems like it,” Christen replies, including a sad face emoji.

“Not happening,” Tobin says. “Come to mine.”

After Tobin conquers all Christen’s objections and they work out logistics (Tobin insists on coming to the parade so Christen won't have to travel to New Jersey on her own), the holiday seems a lot brighter.

Christen feels like part of the family as soon as she arrives, and luckily nobody dwells on her pseudo-celebrity for longer than a quick “you did great!”

Tobin's family celebrates better than any family Christen knows (besides her own, of course). She eats till she feels like she could burst, takes a nap, then eats some more. They play board games, they tease each other with love, and they drink. Christen’s sure Tobin could drink her under a table after playing just one game of beer pong with her brother and sister.

Tobin vlogs some of the day, but for the most part she leaves the camera in her room, savoring all the time she gets to spend with her family while it lasts. Not once does she do that to the neglect of Christen, though. On the contrary, Tobin seems to go out of her way to include Christen in all the inside jokes and family fun, and she makes it look effortless.

She feels it that night, a flutter in her stomach as she lies in Tobin’s bed, the guest rooms all filled with family. Tobin had volunteered to sleep on the couch, but that would be silly. Her bed is big enough for both of them to sleep comfortably.

Christen turns her head to the side, where Tobin is scrolling through her Twitter. “Hey,” she says. “Thanks so much for inviting me. I would have been miserable on my own.”

“I know you would,” Tobin says, cracking a smile. “You fit right in. You’re always welcome.”

“It’s crazy to me that a few months ago I didn’t even know you,” Christen says. “But I’m so thankful that I do now.”

“I’m thankful for you too, CP,” Tobin says.

Something about Tobin’s sure smile and her eyes lit up by her phone screen makes the flutter in Christen’s stomach grow, and when the screen dims she realizes just how easy it would be to move forward a few inches and press her lips to Tobin. The thought makes her lose her breath. It really must have been a long time since she last kissed someone for her to even be entertaining the concept. Well, someone who makes her feel like this, anyway, she thinks as she remembers that one date with Jasper.

Just like that, Tobin’s phone lights back up, and Christen can see it’s an incoming call from Brianna, which shakes her back to reality.

“Hey, babe,” Tobin says, and Christen lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “Hang on, let me go outside, Christen is trying to sleep.”

Christen has always hated disappointing people, but it increases tenfold with every millionth new follower. She can’t even believe that’s a real thing in her life, but when she hits 9 million subscribers on November 30, she rethinks her entire plan.

After getting back from her Thanksgiving trip filled with a million new questions, she decides to take a break. Every December, she (and countless other YouTubers) takes part in 25 days of vlogging up until Christmas, known cleverly as Vlogmas. She has been stressed about this year’s Vlogmas since October, a concern she only voices to Kelley.

“Okay, so don’t do it,” Kelley says, like it’s obvious.

“But everyone looks forward to it.”

“They won’t if you aren’t excited,” Kelley says. “If you’re burned out, take a break. You work your ass off all year long, and the holidays are stressful. You have your next four weeks of videos filmed because you did practically twice as much work this month to lighten your load for next month. Take a break. You deserve one.”

“I don’t want to let them down,” Christen sighs, but Kelley’s foot is down. She has to take a break. And she has to get the hell out of LA to do it.

She spends the week between Thanksgiving and her spontaneous departure preparing a blog post explaining her decision. All she says is that she is taking a break to travel and that her normal main channel videos will be posted on her normal schedule. She includes links to other YouTubers whose Vlogmas videos they can watch in the meantime, but she is sure to remain vague about the nature of her break and the reason she’s taking one to begin with.

The only thing that could make her feel worse than letting down her viewers would be making them think it’s their fault that she’s overwhelmed, when of course that isn’t the case. When she tries to pinpoint the root of the stress, she comes up empty every time. In a way, she thinks maybe it’s this idea of total access to her personal life that freaks her out. Jasper must have been the catalyst, she convinces herself, even though she sort of knows that isn’t the whole truth.

She’s good at ignoring the mean comments, the ones just trying to get a rise out of her, but what she doesn’t have much experience with are the comments from those who mean well, wanting (and sometimes demanding) answers about her personal life. They see her as a friend, of course they’d want to know what’s really going on with her. But some of their questions lately make Christen confront things she isn’t even sure she wants to know the answers to.

She knows it’s the nature of her job, that she brought it upon herself, but she still has control, and she thinks that gives her the right to cut it off when she feels like it. That’s why the only people who even know she’s leaving are Kelley, Julie, and her family.

But, as she sits in LAX putting the finishing touches on her blog post, tweets and texts begin rolling in congratulating her on 9 million subscribers. She would usually feel elated, but her heart sinks, and she immediately calls Kelley.

“Don’t even think about it,” Kelley says in lieu of a greeting.

“What?”

“You’re second guessing your break because of this stupid milestone. Don’t.”

“But—”

“Your flight boards in 20 minutes. Post the blog and turn it all off. Now.”

“Thanks, Kel,” Christen sighs.

“Text me when you land, but you’re allowed to unplug, okay? I love you and I’ll see you when you get back.”

“Love you too.” Christen ends the call and takes a deep breath in. Kelley seems to sense just how important this break is to Christen, despite not knowing the full reason Christen finds it necessary.

Christen’s never been on a trip by herself, not one this big or this long anyway. She wouldn’t necessarily consider herself a fearful person, but she tends to play it safe. She considered going somewhere familiar, somewhere she knows people and wouldn’t be lonely, but all those plans fell by the wayside when she found an airbnb in Sweden.

It’s a studio apartment just outside of Stockholm, a city she’s never been to, overlooking the water. She knows if it gets really unbearable, she can just hop on a plane to London or even back home, but she’s sure this is exactly what she needs.

She presses post after running one final spell check, then powers down her laptop. She looks at her phone before she shuts that off as well, per Kelley’s advice, and smiles when she sees a text from Tobin.

“Way to go buddy! I miss your face, let’s get coffee soon… your treat, Miss 9 Million ;)”

“I’m actually headed out of town now, but I’d love to catch back up after the new year,” Christen replies. It feels forced and fake, but Tobin doesn’t seem to notice.

“Whaaaat? And you didn’t say bye? :( Have fun, I’m sure your Instagram will put all of my vacations to shame.”

Christen mentally adds Instagram to the list of social media to go easy on while she’s away. Even her Twitter is being taken over by Kelley to promote her new videos when they go up. She’s wary of making rules for herself and going completely cold turkey, but every new post, video, and photo is another opportunity for nine million people to have a say, and she’s not sure she wants to deal with that.

Sweden is cold and dreary on its worst days and snowy and absolutely breathtaking on its best. Christen figures you can’t have one without the other, so she takes them all in stride. Sweden quickly teaches her that being alone does not equate to being lonely. It teaches her how to take a walk to get coffee in the snow with no phone or earbuds as companions, to say hi to dogs in the park and make conversation with their owners instead. It teaches her the art of just sitting and being, something she thought she perfected when she started meditating regularly, but she now realizes even those sessions are full of distractions.

Most importantly, it teaches her to connect with herself, to bridge the gap between her head and her heart. She bought a moleskine notebook in the airport before she left, and it’s already halfway full with everything from short stories to video ideas to her innermost feelings.

It’s not Tobin, she realizes one day, sitting in a warm coffee shop as she puts pen to paper, journaling everything that comes to mind. When she got back to California after her short break with Tobin, she avoided her like the plague, certain that it was something about Tobin that made Christen’s brain, usually logical to a fault, behave in such an illogical way. But it’s not Tobin, it’s Christen.

The realization hits her like a ton of bricks, and it’s like a fog surrounding Christen for her entire life has finally lifted. So many faded memories from her past come back with full clarity. The young blonde English teacher in high school who made Christen blush every time she complimented her writing. The beautiful cheerleader who became Christen’s lab partner and intimidated her to the point that Christen barely spoke all year. The college teammate Christen drunkenly kissed on a dare while on a road trip and later spent the night with, legs tangled in the sheets with only surreptitiously placed bite marks to remember it by the next morning.

She can’t bring herself to say it out loud, not for a few days anyway, and now she realizes why she needed to go somewhere completely alone. She needs to tell herself before she can tell anyone else, but when she stands in front of the mirror or mouths it to herself, staring at the ceiling at night, the words get caught on her tongue.

After two weeks, the texts and tweets from friends checking in stop feeling smothering and start comforting Christen again. Slowly but surely, she starts posting an Instagram picture or a Snapchat story here and there, just to prove to everyone who cares that she is alive and well. And on her second to last morning there, she takes out her camera and films.

“Hi everyone,” she starts. “So a lot of you have probably been wondering what I’ve been up to lately. I’m in Sweden right now, but by the time you see this, I’ll be back in LA. This break has been so incredible, and I’m so grateful to everyone who has let me have some time to myself. I’ve met some fantastic people in coffee shops and at bars, even just walking down the street. But for the most part, I’ve gotten some much needed time alone to just reflect. Of course, what good is all of this beauty without a way to remember it and someone to share it with? And right before I left, there were nine million of you. So I want to show you what I’ve been up to.”

She takes the camera with her around town, filming the people walking their dogs in the park and the cute coffee shop where the owner knows her regular order. It’s a beautiful day, and she feels like skipping and dancing around in the sun. She remembers what it’s like to just do this for fun, because she wants to, not because she has to, and as she films her walk home at sunset, she thinks maybe this is how she has to say it to herself.

She assembles a stack of books on the dresser across from her bed, assembling a makeshift tripod. As she moves around the lamps in the room to perfect the lighting (or get as close as she can without any of her equipment), she feels like she’s back in her comfort zone.

As soon as the camera is in focus and all the other elements come together, Christen sits on the edge of the bed and smiles at the camera. She can see herself in the viewfinder, and despite all the obvious differences, she feels like she’s back in her filming room at home, a place she’s always felt more than comfortable.

And then she says it. She whispers it at first, but then she puts her voice to it.

“I’m bisexual,” she says. She cringes, the word sounding so foreign on her tongue. “I like girls,” she tries. “And boys.” Still not good enough. It feels almost diminishing. “I’m attracted to men and women.” Is that too narrowing? She racks her brain for the right words, but comes up with nothing.

That’s when she finally cries. It’s the one part of her typical healing process she’s yet to utilize, but it’s the one that makes her feel the most cleansed when it’s over. She doesn’t turn off the camera, knowing full well she’s going to delete it all when she’s done anyway. The crying is cathartic, but when she’s all out of tears, she still doesn’t have any answers.

She struggles on both plane rides back to LA with what to do about her situation. Kelley doesn’t leave for Georgia until the next day, thank goodness, so she picks her up at the airport. And it’s a good thing she does, because by the time Christen gets off the plane, she thinks she’ll explode if she doesn’t tell someone. So, she figures, it might as well be her best friend.

“I’ve missed you!” Kelley exclaims when Christen walks out, walking around the car to open the trunk for her. “How was Sweden? Did you get all of that thinking done?”

“I think so,” Christen says quietly.

“Good. Now you don’t have to do any more thinking for at least a year, right?”

Christen wants to laugh, but she can’t, and Kelley notices her hesitation.

“Everything okay?”

“I think I’m gay,” Christen says.

“What?” Kelley asks, ignoring the cars beeping at her to move. “You—what?”

“Or bisexual. Or something,” Christen says. “I haven’t figured it out yet.”

“Okay,” Kelley says slowly. A cop knocks on the window, and Kelley waves him off, putting the car into drive and pulling away from the curb like a good citizen. “Is that what was bothering you so much before you left?”

“I think so.” She takes a deep breath. “Can you keep a secret?”

“Shouldn’t you have asked that before telling me?”

“Not that,” Christen says. “I have a crush on Tobin. That’s the reason I freaked out and had to get away. But it’s not just Tobin. I’ve had crushes on women in the past. Maybe more than I’ve had on guys. But I still think I like guys.”

“Well, shit.”

“What?”

“I’m just trying to figure out when my life became a reality show.”

“Your life?” Christen exclaims. “Kel.”

“No, I promise I’m not trying to make this about me, but of all the people you could have had a crush on, it has to be my newest client’s fuck buddy.” She laughs. “Come on, you have to admit it’s kind of funny.”

“To you, maybe!”

“Chris, I’m sorry,” Kelley says, but Christen is staring out the window with her arms folded. “Listen, I’m sorry! You know my go-to reaction is to make a joke when I don’t know what to do.”

“Okay, well this is kind of a huge deal for me, and you’re the first person I’ve told.”

“I am?”

“Of course, you’re my best friend,” Christen says quietly. “And for what it’s worth, I’m not planning on talking to Tobin. About my crush, anyway.”

“But the other stuff.”

“How did you know?” Christen asks. “That you liked girls.”

“I don’t know, growing up I just… liked them. It never occurred to me that it wasn’t normal till high school, but by then I knew. I can see how it wouldn’t be the same for everyone, though.”

“This sucks a lot,” Christen says. “Like, I was so close to just knowing who I am, and then I realized I still have no idea.”

“That’s because your sexuality shouldn’t define you,” Kelley says. “Like, as cool as it is to be sure of one thing in your life, there are a million more uncertainties. You’re all sorts of things, not just gay or straight or anything else. But you’re in luck, you live in LA. You have like a hundred gay friends. Talk to Nico, see what he says. And you know, if you talked to Tobin about it, I think she might say something similar.”

“I can’t, she’s in New Jersey.”

“I thought you were staying off social media,” Kelley says, eyes narrowing.

“I mean, I did for the most part.” Christen blushes.

“God, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you have a crush, I forgot how endearing it is,” Kelley teases.

“You’ve never seen me have a crush,” Christen protests, trying to rack her brain for the last crush she had. She certainly wouldn’t count Jasper, and in college her only focuses were on soccer and school.

“Sure I have,” Kelley says. “Your junior year. That girl Lizzie, in my graduating class. You two were so not slick after that away game at Arizona State.”

“What? How do you even remember that?” Christen asks.

“We all hooked up with people we shouldn’t have that weekend,” Kelley reminds her.

Christen cringes, suddenly sorry she brought it up. Kelley’s right, it was one of those weekends where the entire soccer team got drunk and completely out of control in Kelley and Christen’s hotel room. Usually nothing too terrible happened, but everyone usually had a buddy to keep them accountable. Christen, of course, was Kelley’s buddy, but after Christen escaped to Lizzie’s hotel room, Kelley was dared to give another teammate a hickey. It could have been anywhere, but Kelley, being Kelley, insisted on the neck, right above the collarbone..

A stupid dare turned into a hardcore make-out session (so Christen heard later through the grapevine), and before long, the rest of the girls excused themselves. Kelley woke up the next morning naked with the worst hangover of her life, her own fair share of hickeys, and a naked girl in her bed. A girl who, unfortunately, was not Kelley’s girlfriend, Ann.

The next day was the worst of Kelley’s life. Not only did she have to face a day of travel hungover, but she had to face her girlfriend when she returned. By that point, they were living together, so there was no escaping it, even if she had wanted to—which she didn’t really. The only thing worse than cheating on Ann would have been lying to her about it. After going home, she ended up crashing on Christen’s couch for the rest of the week until Ann was able to move her things into their sorority house.

Christen never asked any details about the conversation, and Kelley never offered any, but it’s that incident, Christen thinks, that really bonded them as friends. Before then, she and Kelley had been teammates who got close based on their playing position (forward) and the fact that their coach thought Kelley could be a mentor. She was, of course, but after Christen’s freshman year, they felt more equal.

The tables finally turned a complete 180 after Kelley’s breakup, when it often felt like Christen was the older sister in the relationship. Kelley took out a lot of her anger and frustration (which was mostly directed at herself) on her teammates and opponents on the pitch, which all came to a head in her very last game as a Cardinal, the Women’s College Cup final, where she was ejected with a red card. She still won the women’s college player of the year award that Christen went on to win the next year, but upon graduation, Kelley was at an all-time low. Christen thinks at the time she was her only friend, which is how they ended up reconnecting so strongly after the WPS folded.

Kelley’s life looks a lot different now, of course, which is why she's able to recall the incident with a wry smile.

“Anyway,” Kelley says.

“Yeah, anyway.”

“You like girls.”

“I like girls.”

“Be honest, how many times have you fantasized about sleeping with me?” Kelley jokes.

“Kelley!”

“I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Mostly.”

“Depends how many times you've fantasized about sleeping with me.”

“At least five. Wait, including college? Eight probably.”

“Kelley!”

“Yeah, you said that a lot in the fantasies, too.”

Christmas, usually one of Christen’s favorite times of year, feels almost like an inconvenience this year. She can't shake the feeling looming over her that something isn't quite right. In a few weeks she’d gone from being sure of who she was to sure of the complete opposite, and back to somewhere awkwardly in the middle.

She puts on a happy face for a Christmas party at Nico’s with a big group of her internet friends, and eventually it becomes real. Everyone films the gift exchange, which leaves Christen with a bottle of holiday-themed candy cane vodka, which was actually one of the better gifts to be had. She probably drinks too much, but she trusts everyone there to edit their photos and videos responsibly, and aside from posting a few too many Snapchats to her story, she doesn’t do anything particularly embarrassing or regrettable.

When everyone else’s Uber rides begin to arrive, Christen decides to stay at Nico’s instead.

“What’s on your mind, CP?” he asks, sitting cross-legged on his bed, where Christen is already tucked under the sheets.

“Too dizzy for anything to be on my mind,” she giggles.

“I see that, you haven’t been this drunk since my birthday party in April. Here.” He hands her a makeup wipe. “You’ll thank me in the morning.”

Christen sloppily rubs at her eyes before Nico takes the wipe from her, dabbing gently so she doesn’t pull out her eyelashes.

“I’m gay,” Christen says.

“That’s my line,” he teases.

“For real,” she says. “I went to Sweden to clear my head, you know? Get my thoughts straight.”

“And the opposite happened.”

“What?”

“You went to get your thoughts straight, you came back… never mind.” He figures Christen is probably too drunk to figure it out.

“You don’t sound surprised,” Christen says, sitting up so she’s leaning on her elbows.

“I stopped being shocked by drunken confessions a long time ago,” he says. “And like 75 percent of your friends are gay. For me, it’s like 90 percent. It’s not horribly surprising anymore. Besides, it would explain why you wouldn’t want to be my beard because let’s be honest, I’m a catch. So who turned you?”

“Nico!” Christen exclaims.

“Okay, okay,” he says, rolling his eyes. “Who made you realize you were into girls?”

“Nobody,” she says, avoiding eye contact. “And I’m not just into girls. I think I still like guys too. I don’t know really.”

“Kelley,” he tries.

“No!”

“The chick you did that surfing video with.”

“How’d you know she’s gay?” Christen asks.

“God, I’m good.” Nico smirks, satisfied. “Have you hooked up yet?”

“She’s taken,” Christen sighs.

“Oh, honey,” he tuts, brushing her hair back. “That’s the worst. Does she know how you feel?”

“No,” Christen says. “And she won’t. This is between us.”

“I don’t even know the girl,” he says. “But for what it’s worth, there will be other girls. And boys. Ones who aren’t taken. And I’ll be rooting for you. And if you ever need a beard, I’m here.”

“I appreciate that, but won’t Kyle be mad?” Christen says with a smirk, referring to the newest addition to Nico’s annual party.

“How’d you know?”

“Please, you were fucking him with your eyes all night,” she laughs. “I’m offended you didn’t tell me.”

“You were out of the country, there was never a good time.”

“I’m happy for you,” she says. “He’s funny. And cute.”

“Back off,” he says. “He’s mine. You can stick to pining over your surfer chick.”

Christen does just that the entire time she’s home with her family, watching Tobin’s snaps over and over when she can’t sleep. Kelley busts her every time she likes one of Tobin’s pictures on Instagram, sending her the eyes emoji, her way of saying “I’m watching you.”

The day after Christmas, Kelley sends out a mass text about Christen’s birthday party on the 29th. Christen insisted that they have it then, mostly because a lot of people who are home visiting their families won’t be back before New Year’s Eve, and it’s less responsibility to entertain fewer people.

Instead of replying to Kelley, Tobin texts Christen directly.

“Renting out a whole karaoke bar? Go big or go home ;) I’m so bummed but my flight isn’t till the next morning. Can I take you out for a birthday dinner that night?”

“Sure,” Christen replies. “That’d be nice.”

“Awesome! I can’t wait to hear all about Sweden (and see plenty of videos of you drunkenly singing Spice Girls)”

“It’s like you can see the future,” Christen types, smiling. “Sounds like a plan.”

Truthfully, telling Tobin “all about Sweden” scares the crap out of Christen because the trip centered so much on her self-reflection, but after talking to Kelley, Julie, Nico and her family, she feels more comfortable with the idea. The main difference is that she can’t tell Tobin about her crush on Tobin.

The turnout at Christen’s party is higher than she expects, but Kelley, ever the superstar best friend and manager, takes care of absolutely everything, including the open bar. All Christen has to do is look pretty and drink until she loosens up enough to take the stage for karaoke. She thinks she’s off to a good start with a jewel-toned purple cocktail dress, new jewelry from her parents, and a signature drink the bar is promoting as a “Sweet ‘n’ Sassy 27.”

Nico brings Kyle to officially introduce him to Christen. Something about his voice and mannerisms feel so familiar, but Christen can’t place why until Ali and Ashlyn arrive and approach the table to wish Christen a happy birthday. Everything suddenly clicks when Christen realizes Ali and Kyle are siblings and Ali and Ashlyn realize the Nico that Kyle has been gushing about is the Nico they used to think was dating Christen.

“What a small world!” Christen laughs, clapping her hands together.

“It’s LA, I figure all the gays eventually cross paths,” Kyle laughs, lifting his club soda to clink with Ali’s drink. “Sometimes it just takes a straight friend to bring them all together.”

Christen shifts in her seat, and Nico squeezes her knee underneath the table. Part of her wants to pipe up that it’s not completely true, but she knows that’s just the drink in her hand, which she thinks might be a little more sassy than sweet. Suddenly, she’s over her birthday and just wants to fast forward to tomorrow night, when she can get this huge weight off her chest and not feel like she has to keep it from anyone anymore. She’s not sure why, but the idea of Tobin finding out from someone else before Christen tells her sends Christen into a panicky tailspin.

But before she can excuse herself to go to the bathroom where she can pace and freak out in peace, Kelley and Julie take the stage.

“Thanks for coming, everyone!” Kelley says. “Obviously we’re all here to celebrate the very sweet and very sassy Christen Press, so we just wanted to take a quick second to talk about our very favorite moments from the last year. Luckily, Christen’s whole thing is putting stuff on video, so we thought we might as well join in the fun. I can’t edit to save my life, so all props go to JJ for the incredible job.” She passes the microphone to Julie and blows a kiss toward Christen.

“Presi, you make everyone around you shine so bright, and we wanted to give back just a little,” Julie says, grinning. She turns toward the screen typically used for karaoke and presses a button on the remote she’s holding.

A montage of Christen’s vlogs from the past year begins, with little video clips from her friends placed throughout. Everyone “aww”s at the appropriate times, like when her mom and dad tell her how proud she makes them, but Christen’s heart almost stops when Tobin’s face comes on the screen.

“My favorite Christen moment from the past year? Well, I only have a few months of content, but it’s gotta be surfing, right? She tried really hard. It was cute.” She grins. “Seriously, though, I’m beyond pumped to see what 27 brings, and I’m so excited to be a part of it, even though I can’t be there tonight. I know you’re capable of so much more than what you’ve already accomplished, which is intimidating to say the least. Thanks for being on my team, CP. You’re the best.”

“On her team?” Nico whispers in Christen’s ear. “If only she knew.”

“Shut up,” Christen says, rolling her eyes and swatting him away. The whole video is sweet and surprising, and Christen knows she’ll probably end up watching it a hundred times and cry just as many, but she has to blink away her tears and thank her lucky stars for waterproof mascara because as soon as it’s over, they call her on the stage to do a rendition of Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like A Woman.”

That performance is the last one she remembers vividly in the morning (though “morning” might be generous, given that the day is half over before she opens her eyes), though she does vaguely recall performing a few duets with Kelley and watching Kyle and Nico perform “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” The rest she only recalls with the help of Snapchat, and she cringes to think of the vlogs that are bound to be posted in the next few days.

After falling back to sleep for the third or fourth time, she wakes up and groans at the sound of a text message coming in. She rolls over to see a text from Tobin, and this she will wake up for.

“Just landed! Still on for tonight or will you still be hurting from last night?”

“Nico will probably make me some disgusting smoothie and I’ll be good to go,” Christen replies. “Can’t wait to see you!”

“I’ll pick you up at 7, nothing fancy :)”

Christen completely ignores the dress code, as she often does, especially when she has a cute new outfit she bought herself with Christmas money as a birthday present, one of the only perks of having a late December birthday.

When she gets home, she takes a hot bath and soothes her aching head and skin with ibuprofen and a hydrating mask. On a whim, she decides to film her preparation process for one of her January videos, from moisturizing to makeup to the final product, cute outfit and all. The major benefit of this is that Christen is actually ready in plenty of time for Tobin’s arrival.

This comes as a shock to Kelley, who’s so used to waiting around for Christen to be ready that she doesn’t even bother calling across the apartment when Tobin arrives, instead offering Tobin a drink and making small talk. When Christen emerges from her bedroom, fully dressed and ready, Kelley looks at her wrist (dramatic effect, she’s not even wearing a watch) and makes an exaggeratedly shocked face.

“Do my eyes deceive me? Is Christen Annemarie Press ready on time? Early, even?” Kelley faux-gasps. Christen rolls her eyes and holds onto one of the bar stools for balance as she slips on her pumps.

“Annemarie? I like that,” Tobin says, rising from the couch. “Kel, you’re welcome to join if you don’t have any plans.”

Kelley looks up at Christen, who glares, making the choice for her. “No thanks, I have a hot date with all the unanswered emails in my inbox.”

“Let us know if you want us to get you food,” Tobin says, holding the door open for Christen.

It’s chillier than Christen expected, but she didn’t take into consideration a sweater to match when she bought the outfit and she doesn’t want to prove Kelley right about being high maintenance, so she decides to tough it out rather than go back inside to rummage through both of their closets.

“I think you and I have much different ideas of what not too fancy means,” Tobin teases, gesturing to her dark jeans and button-up shirt and blazer. “But you look great.”

Christen blushes. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. I just went shopping with my sisters and I’ve never been able to resist wearing all my new clothes right after I buy them.”

“I still need to meet them,” Tobin reminds her. “And your dogs. You met my whole family. I kind of feel like I know them from your Snapchats and videos though.”

“Such a dedicated fan,” Christen laughs, sliding into the passenger seat. “I miss my dogs so much it physically pains me.”

“Your parents live right down the road, though, don’t you get to see them a lot?”

“Not as much as I’d like,” Christen says. “You know as well as anyone LA is just a permanent address. When I’m here I’m usually busy with work and meetings and social things I have no interest in.”

“Like your blowout birthday party.”

Christen sticks out her tongue. “You know what I mean. Plus, our apartment doesn’t allow pets larger than 50 pounds. When I get my own place, that’s first on my list.”

“When?” Tobin asks, surprised. “Are you planning on that?”

“I mean, kind of,” Christen says. “Kelley and I haven’t really talked about it, but it’s only a matter of time, you know? I love living with her, but I’m 27, I feel like at some point you should live on your own.”

Tobin laughs. “I’ve been 27 for seven months, but I guess I wouldn’t know,” she says.

“You aren’t going to live on Ali and Ashlyn’s couch forever, I assume.”

“I don’t think they’d like that too much,” Tobin says. “I guess I just don’t see myself ever doing anything permanent. Bri keeps talking about getting an apartment here, and for some reason it just freaks me out a little to commit to something like that.”

“Renting isn’t permanent.”

“Fair enough,” Tobin says. “But enough about me. Tell me everything! It’s been forever. How was Sweden? And your birthday? It looked so fun.” She sounds desperate to change the subject, but Christen humors her.

“Last night was amazing,” Christen says. “I’ll have to show you the final product of the video Julie and Kelley made.”

“Did you cry?”

“Of course,” Christen laughs as Tobin pulls into a parking lot that’s decently crowded for a Tuesday night.

“Are tapas okay?” Tobin asks. “I forgot to ask.”

“Yeah, perfect,” Christen says. “I love sharing.”

“You mean you love stealing off other people’s plates,” Tobin teases, and Christen has to admit it’s true.

“You think you’ve got me all figured out.”

“I wouldn’t dare think that,” Tobin says.

Christen shivers at the exposure to the cool air again, following Tobin to the outdoor hostess stand.

“Heath, party of two,” Tobin says, and the hostess smiles.

“Great, inside or patio?”

Tobin takes one look at Christen, whose arms are folded across her chest as she tries hard to pretend she isn’t cold, and turns back to the waitress. “Inside.”

“You made reservations?” Christen whispers as they follow the hostess. The restaurant seemed pretty low-key and casual from the outside, but the table is set with a white tablecloth and a lone candle in the middle, and Christen feels significantly warmer in the cozy atmosphere. “You should have told me! I would have been so embarrassed if we were late.”

“But we weren’t,” Tobin says with a shrug, sitting at a seat that a male waiter pulls out for her.

Christen smiles, trying not to dwell too much on the fact that Tobin asked if tapas would be okay despite the fact that she had a reservation. She knows if she had said no she never would have known that Tobin even made reservations and Tobin would have figured out a backup plan without a single complaint.

“So Sweden,” Tobin says as the waiter scurries away to get the bottle of wine Tobin orders for them both. “How long was that planned? I didn’t even know about it till you texted me that you were in the airport.”

“Yeah, it was pretty spontaneous,” Christen says, picking up her water to take a long sip. “I just needed some space to think I guess.”

“Everything okay?” Tobin’s eyebrows raise and her voice lowers in concern.

“Yeah,” Christen says quickly, biting the inside of her cheek. “It is now, I think. I’m trying to get better about this actually telling people how I feel thing.”

“You have a great smile, but I think you hide behind it sometimes.”

“Oh yeah?” Christen asks. “And you say you haven’t tried to figure me out.”

“Never said I didn’t try,” Tobin says. “Just that I wouldn’t dare think I’d ever gotten to the bottom of you.”

“Well, you’re right. So I’m trying. I guess I just can’t tell the difference between someone asking to be nice or because they care.”

“How about you always assume I’m asking because I care?” Tobin suggests. “You could probably safely assume that for everyone who loves you. And there are a lot of us.”

Christen feels her cheeks get warm, and she reaches for her wine glass when the waiter finishes pouring. “To the end of one great year and the beginning of an even better one.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Tobin says, clinking her glass against Christen’s before taking a sip. She glances at the menu, realizing that she hasn’t checked yet, but Christen seems to have been multitasking, because she’s already ordering with the waiter, rattling off four menu items. “Um, I guess we’ll see if we’re still hungry after all that,” Tobin says when the waiter looks to her.

Christen laughs. “I’m famished,” she says. “I can’t eat hungover.”

“On the bright side, you clean up nicely.”

“I’m still dying on the inside,” Christen assures her.

“Good, I appreciate the transparency,” Tobin says. “Speaking of. Back to Sweden.”

“Right,” Christen says. “It’s complicated.”

“It’s a good thing I cleared my very busy schedule for you then,” Tobin says with a smile.

“I had a really crazy year, you know? There was so much going on, and I was traveling all the time, but never for fun or for relaxation. I’m not complaining, I wouldn’t change it for the world, but—”

“You don’t have to explain yourself. I get it. You needed a break. I could tell you were tired at Thanksgiving. I hope my family wasn’t too overwhelming.”

“Not at all,” Christen says. “I think that weekend is what made me realize I needed it. Just a few days—well, a few weeks, I guess—where I could tune out the rest of the world and tune into myself. I do that on a smaller scale with yoga and meditation, but real silence doesn’t happen often.”

“Sure,” Tobin says, nodding along. “And you found that?”

“I did,” Christen says. “I found a lot of things I didn’t know I needed.”

Tobin raises her eyebrow. “Oh?”

“I left because I felt really confused about a lot of things. Mostly about myself. I just had to get away to figure it out without any outside input.”

“It’s good to talk to people sometimes, though,” Tobin says softly.

“It is,” Christen says. “Which is what I’m trying to do now even though I know I’m really bad at it.”

“No, you’re fine,” Tobin says. “Take your time.”

“It’s so hard to say out loud,” Christen says, shaking again, but not because of the cold.

“Hey,” Tobin says, reaching a hand across the table to still Christen’s, which is trembling. “You okay?”

“I like girls,” Christen blurts.

“Me too,” Tobin says without moving her hand away. She smiles. “Is that what you were so nervous to tell me? I live with a lesbian couple. I have a—there’s Brianna.”

“I know,” Christen says. “It wasn’t that. I’m just not used to saying it yet. You’re like the fourth person I’ve told besides my family.”

“Oh, wow,” Tobin says, taking her hand away finally. “I mean, do you want to talk about it? Or did you just want me to know?”

“I’m not sure,” Christen says. “I feel kind of drained from even thinking about it so much lately.”

“Okay, then we can talk about something else,” Tobin says. “Like your New Year’s Eve plans. Anything fun?”

“Honestly, I’d rather stay home and be asleep before midnight, but I promised Kelley I’d go to the First Touch party.”

“No way!” Tobin says, lighting up. “I’m going with Brianna. Thank God, I was worried it would be a boring company thing.”

“They throw really good parties,” Christen assures her. “Plenty of alcohol, plenty of people to rub elbows with. It just always feels like work for me.”

“Come find me and I promise I won’t make it feel like work. I hate that rubbing elbows crap.”

“Me too,” Christen laughs. “A lot of internet people will be there, it should be a good time. New Year’s Eve just sucks when you don’t have a date.”

“Oh please, you think nobody there would be willing to be your midnight kiss?” Tobin asks. “You just changed up the whole selection pool, too!”

“Why do you and Kelley seem convinced there’s a never-ending supply of women who like other women?” Christen asks, amused. It’s the first time she’s been able to discuss it out loud with a lighthearted air.

“Because an hour ago I was sure you were a lost cause,” Tobin says with a teasing twinkle in her eye. “There’s hope for everyone.”

A lost cause is exactly what Christen feels like around 11 the following night, sitting with her ankles crossed on a leather couch, surrounded by couples. Nobody is being particularly unbearable, save for Kelley, who is flirting her face off with some leggy blonde she hasn’t bothered to introduce Christen to. She had promised she would stick with Christen, but Christen has known her for long enough to know that promise would likely go out the window after a drink or two.

She hasn’t seen or heard from Tobin since she dropped her at home the night before and they sat in Tobin’s parked car for an hour talking about the things that still felt a little too big and real for Christen to discuss in the daytime. She knows from hers and Brianna’s Snapchats that they were at least getting ready a few hours ago, but LA traffic is unpredictable even without New Year’s Eve insanity involved.

She makes polite conversation with Carli Lloyd about her upcoming video series dedicated to abs. Christen tries to do one of her workouts about once a year in a half-hearted effort to really get into shape, and she can barely even get halfway through one 15-minute video, even though plenty of her friends—Julie included—swear by them.

When Tobin walks in, she finds Christen almost immediately, unlinking her arm from Brianna’s to make her way to the couch, where Christen rises to greet her.

“I almost thought you were bailing,” Christen says into the hug.

Tobin blushes. “Um, no, just got a bit tied up.” If her words don't reveal her true meaning, her face does, and Christen blushes too.

“Gotcha,” Christen says. “Well, I'm glad you're here. Both of you. I'm pretty sure all the single people got the memo to be elsewhere tonight.”

“I see plenty of unattached people,” Tobin says, looking around. “Something tells me you just aren't trying that hard to find them.”

“It's scary!” Christen admits.

“I get it,” Tobin says. “It happens to a lot of people. You don't have to be comfortable flirting or anything like that yet, but practice makes perfect, right? Come on, try me.”

“Try you what?”

“Flirt with me. What would you do if I were sitting alone at a bar?”

“Um, not talk to you.”

“No, you buy me a drink.” Tobin puts a hand on the small of Christen’s back, leading her to the bar. They sit, and Tobin puts up two fingers to get the bartender’s attention. “Whiskey neat,” she says.

“I thought I was buying you a drink.”

“That was the first task, which you failed. Besides, it's an open bar. We can pretend. It's just a run-through, anyway.”

The bartender slides their drinks toward them, and Tobin gives her a thumbs up.

“Have you ever done roleplaying?” Tobin asks, and Christen’s eyes go wide. “Not like sexually!”

“Oh!” Christen says. “Then no.”

Tobin’s lips turn up. “But we’ll definitely circle back to the type of roleplaying you’ve done after a few more drinks because I’m intrigued.”

Christen’s face is probably bright red at this point, so she focuses on her drink.

“Thanks for the drink,” Tobin says. “I’m Tobin.”

Christen looks confused before it dawns on her what Tobin is doing, and she follows her lead. “Christen.”

“Nice to meet you, Christen. What brings you here?”

“Um, this is my agency, my friend is my—”

“Random bar,” Tobin clarifies. “Make something up.”

“I’m not a good actor!”

“Just flirt with me!”

“Um, just a night out with my girlfriends.” Christen smiles, looking for approval.

“Okay, good, but bad,” Tobin says. “If you’re flirting with a girl, you can’t say girlfriends. You’re out with your friends to have a good time. I looked like I could use some company.”

“You looked like you could use some company,” Christen says.

“Definitely,” Tobin says.

“So, are you from around here?” Christen asks.

“Good!” Tobin says. “No, I’m from New Jersey, and I went to school in North Carolina. I’ve been here about four years now, so it’s starting to feel like home. How about you?”

“Born and raised in LA,” Christen says, loosening up.

“Cool, your family still around here?”

“Yeah, just like 20 minutes south,” Christen says. “Tobin, this is so awkward, I hate small talk. And I know you already!”

“But this is how you get to know a stranger,” Tobin says. “Ideally, the best situation is being introduced by mutual friends, but we saw how that ended with what’s-his-face. You’re doing great. Come on, get flirty now.”

“Uh, do you drink coffee?”

“Yeah, I do,” Tobin says, smirking a little. She’s going to let Christen find her way out of this one.

“I really wanted to meet you and see if maybe I could take you out for coffee sometime,” Christen says.

“I think that could be nice,” Tobin says.

Christen smiles, pleased with herself. “Cool. Sounds good.”

Tobin raises her eyebrows. “Anything else?”

“What? I got you to agree to go to coffee with me. That’s a date!”

“How are you supposed to get in touch with me to take me on that date?”

Christen groans. “Phone number.”

“Hey, you did well,” Tobin says. “Like I said, practice makes perfect. And you have to be willing to be a little touchy. Nothing too aggressive, just like a hand on my arm or tucking my hair behind my ear. It’s probably hard to flirt with someone you’re friends with and don’t actually plan to pursue romantically.”

“Yeah, that’s probably it,” Christen says, playing with her nails. “Thanks for the help.”

“You bet,” Tobin says. “Now, about that roleplaying you’ve done.”

“Oh my God, not having this conversation,” Christen groans.

“Oh come on, you’ve gotta tell me. When was the last time you even had sex?”

“Still not happening!” Christen exclaims.

“Chris.”

“It was one time with one guy who had a fantasy,” Christen mumbles.

“Hot teacher. Policewoman. Zookeeper,” Tobin guesses.

“Zookeeper?”

“I see now how that could end badly.”

“Superman and Lois Lane,” Christen says.

“Which one were you?”

“Tobin!”

“It’s a fair question!” Tobin says. “In all the scenarios I gave I assumed you’d be in control.”

Christen blushes. “I was Lois, and it wasn’t nearly as thrilling for me as it was for him.”

“Men are a constant disappointment,” Tobin says. “For what it’s worth, I would have gone with hot teacher. With glasses. Women in glasses are my weakness.”

“Noted,” Christen laughs. She looks up to see Brianna approaching Tobin from behind and waves.

Tobin turns around as Brianna leans in for a quick kiss on the cheek, making them smash noses, but they take it in stride, laughing.

“The ball is going to drop in a few minutes,” Brianna says. “Wanna go outside and watch the fireworks?”

“Sure,” Tobin says, standing up. “CP? Care to join?”

“I’m okay,” Christen says. “Thanks for all your help.”

“Of course.” Tobin gives her a hug goodbye and Brianna waves, her signature grin in full force.

Christen orders another drink then walks off in pursuit of Kelley and Julie. She might be the only one not getting a kiss at midnight, but she’ll be damned if she lets herself pine over a girl and feel sorry for herself when she could be having a good time.

As quickly as the holidays arrived, so does real life when they end. Christen is back to work on the very first day of the new year, hangover be damned. Kelley is late to their meeting at Panera because she ended up spending the night with the girl she met the night before, and she comes rushing in at 10:35, laptop under her arm, wearing clothes that are definitely not hers.

“Someone had a good night,” Christen notes, passing Kelley the coffee that’s probably gone cold by now. “What was her name? You never did tell me before disappearing.”

Kelley thinks for a second, and Christen raises an eyebrow. “Shit.”

“When you love them and leave them, can you at least give them my number?” Christen laughs.

“Don’t be in a rush to join the dating scene,” Kelley says. “Just… take it slow.”

“Why, because you have to cycle through everyone first?”

“I’m serious. There are a lot of reasons you should be careful, the first being you aren’t out.”

“I am to the people who matter.”

“Of course. But like it or not, you are a recognizable face, and you’re only going to become more recognizable. All it takes is one picture of you making out with some girl at a bar and it’s no longer in your control.”

“When have I ever been the type to do that?”

“I don’t know, when have you ever been the type to like women?” Kelley challenges. “I love you, I’m here to protect you. If you want to make some big announcement, go for it. I’ll handle it, I’ll help however I can. But I know you want control over that.”

“I do,” Christen says. “Thank you. And for the record, I was mostly kidding. I’m definitely not in a place for a relationship yet. Not with a stranger, anyway.”

“But with a not-stranger?” Kelley asks, raising her eyebrows.

“Nobody,” Christen clarifies. “I don’t even know anybody who’d be a candidate.”

“Except Tobin.”

“Moving on,” Christen says. “You’re late, we have work to do.”

They spend the next two hours planning out Christen’s entire life through March. They plan all her videos and at least ten collaborations with creators Christen has never worked with before. Nearly every hour of her day is scheduled, from meetings to shooting to editing to hours dedicated to answering Twitter questions. And that’s just the normal everyday stuff she’s used to. The next few months will also be filled with negotiations for a book deal that Kelley’s handling (those types of numbers are way over Christen’s head) and promotions for a perfume Christen created at the end of last year.

“I know this looks overwhelming, but I made sure to schedule breaks and days off. Does this work?”

“It looks good,” Christen says.

“And you actually have to take those days off!” Kelley says. “You can’t just use them as extra days to squeeze in more work.”

“I know,” Christen laughs. “There’s one other thing, though.”

“What did I miss?”

“It’s not that,” Christen says. “It’s just something I wanted to bring up to talk about eventually.”

“Alright,” Kelley says slowly. “All good?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Christen says. “I think so, anyway. I’ve been thinking about getting my own place.”

“What?”

“You know, just like a house or a townhouse where I can sort of do my own thing.”

“You don’t want to live with me?”

“Kelley, no,” Christen sighs. “It’s not like that.”

“I don’t get it,” Kelley says. “I thought we had a really good situation going.”

“We do,” Christen says. “But you can have your own place, too! It won’t change anything, but maybe my dogs could come live with me and you could have friends stay over without worrying about bothering me.”

“I don’t bring girls home because I haven’t been on a date in two years because I’ve been so preoccupied managing your career,” Kelley says.

“I don’t see what the big deal is!” Christen exclaims. “It’s not like you can’t afford your own place. I know what you make!”

“Then you’re missing the point,” Kelley says. “You can’t just spring this on me.”

“I’m not! I’m not packing up my things and leaving, I’m suggesting it’s something that could happen in the few months or so. Our lease is up in April, what better time to explore other options?”

“Whatever, Press, you do whatever you want,” Kelley says, packing up her work station. “I have another meeting with another client. Or did you forget you’re not the only person I work for?”

Christen shakes her head, knowing there’s no getting through to Kelley when she’s this upset. “I’ll see you at home,” she says as Kelley storms out.

She doesn’t see Kelley at home, not that night or the next. She would be worried if it weren’t for the fact that Kelley is so graciously updating her Snapchat to reflect just how much fun she’s having with other people as Christen sits at home, working and worrying herself sick over how she can repair this.

She posts the “Get Ready With Me” video she filmed before her dinner with Tobin and begins responding to comments and tweets about it. It wasn’t scheduled, so she knows it’ll piss off Kelley when she sees it, but she needs a distraction.

@KatieBethh: @christenpress is this the outfit from your birthday dinner with @tobinheath she posted on Insta?

@christenpress: @KatieBethh @tobinheath yes! :) Good eye!

@tobinheath: @christenpress @KatieBethh whoa! This is so cool. And she makes it look so effortless ;)

@sweetnsasssssy: @tobinheath is preath real?

@tobinheath: @sweetnsasssssy lol, what’s that???

Christen groans when she sees the latest notification come in, and she immediately grabs her phone to text Tobin. “You’re going to regret that tweet,” she says.

“Why???”

“Look at your replies, I’m sure you’ll get the answer.” She laughs imagining Tobin suddenly being exposed to the dark side of the internet.

“Ohhhh no I’m sorry!” Tobin replies. “I didn’t realize I was opening a can of worms.”

“It’s fine,” Christen says. “You learn to ignore it. Just funny that you didn’t know :)”

“Has it been going on for a while??” Tobin asks. “I’m so oblivious.”

“Haha they do it with everyone,” Christen says. “I interviewed Nick Jonas one time and people were Photoshopping pictures of what our kids would look like.”

“Me and you though?”

“I guess it’s been going on for a little while,” Christen says. “I think I really noticed it pick up when we spent Thanksgiving together.”

Tobin doesn’t reply for a while, and Christen doesn’t think much of it, but when answering comments gets old, she texts her again.

“What are you up to tonight? Do you want to come over? We can just watch Netflix or make cookies or sit in silence on our computers and ignore each other but I’m so bored.”

“Haha that sounds like a thrill,” Tobin says. “Give me a little bit, I was about to shower, but I’ll head over when I’m done.”

Christen takes the time to clean the apartment, which has gotten cluttered and a bit out of control without Kelley around. It’s not even that Kelley is a neat freak—in fact, Christen is usually the one who cleans anyway—but it feels like an act of rebellion to leave dishes out on the counter after washing them instead of putting them away. Secretly, Christen was kind of hoping Kelley would come home and see it and be so annoyed she’d have to say something to Christen. At this rate, even a fight would be better than silence.

“I haven’t seen you since last year!” Tobin exclaims when she opens the door, and Christen rolls her eyes. She and Brianna had disappeared after Christen saw them, so it’s technically true. “I brought Chinese takeout”

“I see that. Come on in.”

“Where’s Kelley?” Tobin asks, looking around as she sets her bag down and sits on the couch.

“I don’t really know,” Christen says, joining Tobin on the couch. “She hasn’t been home in a few days.”

“What? Why?”

“Remember when I told you I was thinking about getting my own place but I hadn’t talked to her yet?”

“Oh God.”

“I talked to her.”

“She didn’t take it well?”

“That’s putting it nicely,” Christen says, taking a bite of veggie chow mein, her favorite. “She freaked out about how I take her for granted and how she dedicates her whole life to me and basically acted like I was completely blindsiding her, which is exactly what I was trying not to do.”

“Ouch,” Tobin says.

“I haven’t seen or heard from her since.”

“She’ll come around,” Tobin says. “She has to. She lives here, you guys work together. Maybe she just needs a little time to digest.”

“I guess,” Christen says. “What’s funny is I hate not having her here. Like, how am I supposed to live alone?”

“It’s because you’re used to having her here,” Tobin says. “When you get your own place and get settled in, it’ll be normal. She’ll be okay, I promise.”

“I know,” Christen sighs. “In all the time we’ve been friends, we’ve never gone more than a day or two without talking. It just feels wrong. Even in Sweden I’d check in once a day.”

“I meant to ask you something,” Tobin says. “About Sweden.”

“Shoot.”

“It might sound stupid.”

“I’m sure it won’t,” Christen laughs.

“I just—you told me earlier that this whole thing with your followers wanting us to be together started around Thanksgiving.”

“Yeah,” Christen says, her heart pounding.

“Is that why you left? To go clear your head or whatever?”

“What do you mean?”

“You said you left because you were overwhelmed and needed time to figure things out, which made sense to me, but I had no idea that was going on at the same time,” Tobin rambles. “I’m just sorry if it was my fault.”

“What? That’s ridiculous,” Christen says. “Yes, I was getting a lot of questions about my sexuality, but I had been asking myself the same questions and didn’t have any answers. No part of that is your fault.”

“I just thought maybe—has that ever happened before? Them shipping you with another woman?”

“I don’t know, probably. Not to that extent. Maybe Kelley. I try not to pay any attention.”

“But you noticed when it was about me.”

“I—I mean, it was a lot all at once,” Christen stammers. “I wasn’t like seeking it out.”

“Okay,” Tobin says. “You’re sure it’s not a big deal?”

“Not at all,” Christen says. “It’s part of the job. And honestly, I’m kind of happy it did happen like that. Because I got to go to Sweden and experience that and come back and live a more authentic life. It’s not like any of that changed who I already was.”

“Right,” Tobin says. “That’s good. I was really worried when you told me that.”

“Why?”

Tobin looks at her hands, which are fiddling with the hem of her black T-shirt. “I thought maybe it was my fault that people thought we were together because I tend to be really horrible at hiding when I’m into someone.”

Christen stares at Tobin, taking a minute to let her words sink in. “When you’re into… who, me?”

“Ha ha, funny,” Tobin says.

“What is?”

“Like you didn’t know I had a crush on you!”

Christen’s eyes widen as she finally meets Tobin’s. Her heart just keeps beating faster and faster. “You had—wait, you had a crush on me? Like past tense?”

“I mean, yeah, before we were friends,” Tobin says. “Well, when we were becoming friends I guess.”

“And now?”

“Now we’re friends.” Tobin runs her hand through her hair, trying to avoid eye contact.

“So you don’t have a crush on me anymore.”

“We’re friends.”

“Does that mean I shouldn’t do this?” Christen asks, leaning forward and taking Tobin’s face in both hands. She presses her lips to Tobin’s, eyes fluttering shut. She feels Tobin tense then relax, but she doesn’t feel her kiss back, so she pulls away.

Tobin takes a few moments to collect herself, looking at Christen in disbelief. “I didn’t say that.”

“So I should do that,” Christen says for clarity.

Tobin nods, looking at Christen’s lips, but she stops Christen when she leans back in. “Wait,” she says, her hands resting on Christen’s shoulders. “Can you wait a minute? There’s something I have to do.”

“Yeah,” Christen breathes.

Tobin gets up from the couch and steps outside, closing the door softly behind her while Christen sits back, trying to process what just happened.

Just when she thinks she’s going to go nuts waiting for Tobin, the door opens again, and she spins around with a smile. “Hey,” she says, but her face falls when she sees it’s Kelley.

“Hey,” Kelley says, setting her purse on the counter.

“Is Tobin out there?”

“Don’t know, didn’t see her.”

“Oh,” Christen says. “It’s good to see you. I’m glad to know you’re alive.”

“That’s nice,” Kelley says.

“Kel, this is ridiculous. You have to talk to me eventually.”

“Do I?” Kelley asks, turning on her heel to face Christen. “Just like you talked to me when you started thinking about moving out?”

“I really haven’t been thinking about it for that long,” Christen insists. “The only reason I brought it up was so we could talk about it. We don’t have to figure it out for a while. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow or even this year! But we’re both 27 now. I’m not saying we have to know all that our future holds, but don’t you want to be independent at some point?”

“Are you saying I’m dependent on you?”

“Can you stop taking my words out of context?” Christen exclaims, exasperated.

Tobin chooses that moment to walk in. She’s smiling, but when she sees Kelley, she realizes the mood in the room has changed significantly since she left.

“I’ll, uh, catch you later, Chris?” Tobin asks.

“You don’t have to leave, I’m leaving,” Kelley says. “I’m just getting some clothes.”

“Kel, where are you even staying?” Christen asks.

“Why do you care?”

“Because you’re my roommate and my best friend and I feel like I should know you’re safe.”

“I’m safe,” Kelley says.

“Can we talk soon?” Christen asks.

“I’ll text you when I feel like talking,” Kelley says. “Nice seeing you, Tobin.” She escapes into her room, closing the door firmly behind her.

“Christen,” Tobin says softly.

“Come to my room,” Christen says. “I don’t want to be out here when she leaves.”

Tobin follows her wordlessly. “What did I miss?”

“It doesn’t matter. Nothing changed. Did you do… whatever you needed to do?”

“I called Brianna.”

“Oh,” Christen says, though she’s not sure what she was really expecting. “Right.”

“She said it was about time.”

“About time for what?”

“For us to hook up. I told her we didn’t, don’t worry. But I guess she was expecting it.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Tobin says. “It just feels kind of weird.”

Christen swallows hard. “I’m sorry, I know I sprung that whole thing on you. Do you want to talk about it?” She flinches, hearing the front door slam and lock.

“I think I’d rather kiss you some more,” Tobin says. “I mean, do you think you’d have done that if it weren’t for everything going on with Kelley? And if I hadn’t admitted I had a crush on you?”

“Tobin, I’ve had a crush on you since Thanksgiving,” Christen says. “You went out of your way to make me feel comfortable and make sure I wasn’t alone for the holiday. That’s why I went to Sweden. Not because of the fans or because of anything you did. I had to figure out why I was feeling the way I was for you. You have such a good heart, and I didn’t want to take advantage of that because I was lonely or confused or anything. Plus you were taken.”

“We were never exclusive.”

“I know,” Christen says, placing her hands on Tobin’s chest. “But you still had to call her before you'd feel right about kissing me. And she's important to you.”

“She was temporary.”

“That's not very nice,” Christen chides. She's not sure why she feels defensive of Brianna now that she basically stole her girlfriend.

“I was thinking about it after dinner last week,” Tobin says. “You talked about settling down and how living with Kelley wasn't permanent. But when you talked about it, it didn't panic me like it did when Brianna mentioned it. I know you were talking about yourself, but the concept of you settling down somewhere for good just made sense to me. Like yeah, of course you should. You're Christen Press. And I kind of envy that.”

“What if I said I envy you?” Christen asks. “Because I do.”

“For what?”

“Not caring what people think,” Christen says, running her thumb along Tobin’s jaw. “For going where you want when you want, for being completely in control of your life. For being talented and funny and smart and kind and selfless. I guess just for knowing who you are and being confident in it.”

“I'm pretty sure you just described yourself,” Tobin murmurs, staring at Christen’s lips.

“I'm pretty sure you should kiss me,” Christen says, the corners of her lips turning up.

Tobin obliges without hesitation, leaning in for a real first kiss she wants Christen to remember for years to come.

Christen tilts her head to the right, opening her lips slightly to catch Tobin’s between, her tongue slipping out to wet her own lips and finding Tobin’s teeth in the process. She pulls away, trying not to laugh at the way their mouths still have a lot to learn about each other, but Tobin’s eyes are sparkling as she tries to suppress her own laughter, and they both dissolve into giggles, Christen burying her face in the side of Tobin’s neck, taking in the smell of her shampoo.

“Now that was good flirting,” Tobin teases. “I knew you had it in you.”

“I had a good teacher,” Christen says.

Tobin sees a flash of worry behind Christen’s eyes as her smile falters for just a moment. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” Christen says, but the pain in her chest tells a different story. “Kelley.”

“You want to tell her.”

“Yeah,” Christen says. “It almost feels wrong to be doing this without having the chance to gush to her about how you like me back and show her cute texts from you.”

“We don't have to do anything,” Tobin says. “I can send you plenty of cute texts in the meantime.”

“Promise?” Christen asks.

“Oh yeah,” Tobin says. “I'll make you text me so I know you got home safe after our dates—”

“Oh, we’re going on dates, are we?” Christen asks, sitting on her bed, feet dangling off the edge. “I'm listening.”

“So many dates,” Tobin says. “I'm taking you everywhere, I'll show you off to everyone.”

“And you aren't taking me home with you at the end of the night?”

“You have to leave a little bit of mystery,” Tobin says. “Always leave them wanting more.”

“That's worked out well so far, but I've been wanting more for weeks,” Christen groans dramatically.

“I also don't have an apartment. Or a bed.”

“Lucky for you, I have both,” Christen says, patting the spot beside her.

Tobin sits, her hand combing through Christen’s hair mindlessly. “Then I guess you’ll have to take me home with you instead.”

“Good thing we’ve gotten a head start.” Christen slides her hands underneath the hem of Tobin’s shirt, palming the warm skin of her stomach as she gently pushes her down to her back. She hovers over Tobin from the side, placing the lightest kisses she can manage on Tobin’s lips and cheeks before taking a breath in and swinging a leg across Tobin’s hips so she’s straddling her.

Tobin’s eyes widen in surprise, but they close again when Christen’s lips are on hers, heavier this time. “Have you—done this before?” Tobin asks breathlessly when Christen comes up for air.

“Once or twice,” Christen says. “Okay. Once. But I think I was pretty good.”

Tobin laughs. “I’m sure you were,” she says. “But how about you let me take you on a date first?”

“No,” Christen says, folding her arms. She softens when she sees Tobin’s look of surprise. “You took me to dinner for my birthday. It’s my turn to take you out.”

“Fair enough,” Tobin says, sitting up. “It’s getting kind of late…”

Christen rolls off of her, failing miserably at controlling her look of disappointment. “Don’t go,” she says.

“Chris,” Tobin sighs. “I’d love to, but I don’t want you to regret anything. You should talk to Kelley first. I want you to be fully you when we do this.”

Christen smiles at Tobin’s emphasis on ‘when’ and grabs her wrist when she stands up. “Stay anyway,” she says. “It’s a little ridiculous that you’d drive 15 minutes to sleep on a couch when I have a couch here and two empty beds. And one half of this outrageously comfy bed. Choose your own adventure.”

“First of all, it’s a futon,” Tobin corrects. “Second of all, Kelley probably wouldn’t appreciate me taking her bed.”

Christen rolls her eyes.

“But,” she continues. “The bed in your office isn’t a bad choice. And this bed presents a pretty strong challenge. What do you think?”

“I think you haven’t slept till you’ve slept on this cloud,” Christen says, flopping back to prove her point. “And you haven’t woken up till you’ve woken up to me drooling on my pillow and lisping with my retainer in.”

“It sounds more appealing by the second,” Tobin laughs.

Christen pouts, propping herself up on her elbows.

“Fine,” Tobin groans dramatically. “You win. You’d better make room.” She joins Christen, crawling onto the bed and wrapping her arms around her, kissing Christen’s cheek and pulling off with a smacking noise as Christen giggles.

They spend the rest of the night like that, kissing and cuddling, only taking breaks to brush their teeth and make whispered observations about the state of the universe, the past, the future and everything in between. They fall asleep, limbs finding their place perfectly nestled among unfamiliar territory, deep breaths slowing then matching up perfectly till they can hear their hearts beating in sync, twice as loud as usual.

Christen wakes up with her head on Tobin’s chest and arms wrapped tightly around Tobin’s waist while Tobin’s arms wrap around Christen’s shoulders loosely. She's sure based on Tobin’s slow and steady breathing that she's still asleep, so she snuggles in closer, breathing in Tobin’s skin.

“Morning,” Tobin says, her voice filled with sleep.

“Morning,” Christen says. “I like this. I could get used to it.”

“Me too,” Tobin says. “What do you have planned today?”

“I’m sure nothing I’ll enjoy half as much as this.” Christen kisses Tobin’s jaw softly. “Sundays are usually errands and editing mostly. I’m going to New York on Wednesday for meetings, so maybe I’ll go home and take Khaleesi and Morena to the dog beach or something.”

“Is Kelley going with you to New York?”

“Yeah,” Christen groans.

“You’ll need to talk to her before then.”

“Oh really? I didn’t realize,” Christen says.

“Chris,” Tobin says, turning her head to kiss Christen’s forehead. She flinches when she hears the front door slam.

“I guess it’ll happen sooner rather than later,” Christen says, extracting herself from Tobin’s arms to sit up.

“Can I shower?” Tobin asks.

Christen raises an eyebrow. “Didn’t you shower right before you came over last night? We didn’t work up that much of a sweat.”

Tobin smiles. “A little birdie told me you have testers of your beauty line in your shower.”

“Go for it,” Christen laughs. “Tell me which ones you like and I’ll hook you up. I know people.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” Christen says, wrinkling her nose and placing the smallest kiss on Tobin’s lips. “You should probably brush your teeth while you’re in there.”

“As long as it’s sweet and sassy mint,” Tobin calls after her as Christen slips out of her room, closing the door as quietly as she can manage.

The door to Kelley’s room is open and the light is on inside, so Christen stands in the doorway, knocking lightly on the door. “Hey,” she says. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” Kelley says. “I’m sorry if I was loud, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“We w—I was awake,” Christen says.

“Good,” Kelley says. “I’m sorry. For freaking out like I did.”

“I forgive you,” Christen says without a moment’s hesitation. “But can we talk about it? You didn’t freak out for no reason. Why did it upset you so much, do you know?”

“I think I just have gotten so used to this,” Kelley says. “We’ve been living together for years, and I can’t imagine living with anyone else who I could get along with so perfectly. We don’t fight, we balance each other out, we have our own lives.”

“I don’t want to live with anyone else,” Christen says. “I think both of us should have our own place at some point, though.”

“I agree,” Kelley says. “It just scares me a little bit because this is all I’ve known, and the possibility of losing you really scares me.”

“What?” Christen breathes. “Kelley, that could never happen. You’re my best friend.”

“You’re mine,” Kelley says, walking toward Christen to hug her. When she does, she hears Christen’s shower turn on, and they both freeze. Kelley backs away slowly. “Is… someone here?”

“Um—”

“Did Tobin ever leave last night?” Kelley asks, suddenly reassessing the sight in front of her. Messy bedhead, completely uncharacteristic of Christen most mornings. No retainer. The faintest hint of a bruise peeking out under the neckline of her pajama shirt. She reaches out and yanks the neckline down, gasping when she sees a string of incredibly obvious hickeys. “Holy shit. You banged.”

“We didn’t,” Christen hisses.

“She’s in the shower, she can’t hear me,” Kelley says. “Oh my God, you bad girl. Tell me everything. Oh my God, this is going to make things so awkward with Brianna. Are you the other woman?”

“She knows,” Christen says.

“She what?”

“That’s why Tobin was outside when you got home yesterday. We kissed, and she called Brianna to officially call things off between them.”

“So you guys are—”

“We like each other,” Christen says, suddenly realizing they haven’t yet defined the relationship.

“Duh,” Kelley says. “She’s like a puppy dog around you. And you’re just as bad, but you actually told me you liked her.”

“I do,” Christen says. “So much.”

“Even more now I bet,” Kelley teases, wiggling her eyebrows. “How many times?”

“We didn’t have sex,” Christen insists. “Seriously. We kissed a little—”

“A little?”

“Fine, a lot.”

“Boob action?”

“Over the shirt,” Christen says.

“So high school.”

“Shut up!” Christen exclaims, blushing furiously. “She was very sweet.”

“You don't do sweet,” Kelley says. “That's why Jasper never would have lasted if you had gotten in bed with him.”

“I do too do sweet,” Christen protests.

“Think she’ll let you tie her up?” Kelley muses out loud.

“I mean, I wouldn't be opposed,” Tobin says, appearing in the doorway.

Both Kelley and Christen look at her like deer caught in the headlights.

“Towels?” Tobin asks, cracking a smile.

Christen nods, but her face is bright red as she makes her way to the linen closet where the extra clean guest towels reside.

When they're safely out of Kelley’s sight and ear shot, Tobin grabs Christen’s hips, spinning her around for a quick kiss. “So you talked.”

“We did.”

“Things seem okay.” Tobin searches Christen’s face for any hint to the contrary.

“They will be,” Christen says. “I think we need this trip with just the two of us.”

“I agree,” Tobin says. “But you're leaving Wednesday, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I want to cash in on the dinner you owe me before you leave, okay?”

“Okay,” Christen says, grinning. “Tonight?”

“I was thinking Tuesday,” Tobin says. “We do Sunday dinner at Ali and Ashlyn’s. You and Kelley are more than welcome to join! I think Ali’s brother and his boy toy are coming.”

“The boy toy has a name,” Christen fake scolds.

“I'm sure he does,” Tobin says.

“It's okay, you do your thing,” Christen says, placing the towel in her arms. “Tuesday night. Dress to the nines.”

“No more casual?”

“No more casual,” Christen says. “This date is for real.”

“Does that mean I get to come back here at the end of the night?”

“It means if you play your cards right, you might get lucky.”

“How lucky?” Tobin asks. “Because what Kelley was talking about in her bedroom sounded intriguing.”

Christen furrows her eyebrows in confusion before it dawns on her what Tobin means. She turns bright red and smacks Tobin in the arm. “I know I said you weren't dirty enough to shower, but I change my mind.”

The days leading up to Christen and Kelley’s trip fill up quickly with last-minute errands to run and work to do, so Christen doesn’t see Tobin until she picks her up for their first official date Tuesday night. After hours of outfit panic, general first date panic because Christen has never been the one to take someone else on a date, and finally a pep talk from Kelley, she arrives at Ali and Ashlyn’s ten minutes early.

She knocks on the door with only the slightest bit of trepidation, but she relaxes when Ashlyn opens the door.

“Hey!” Ashlyn greets. “Come on in. Ali’s helping Tobin get ready. She probably doesn’t want you to know it’s a team effort, though.”

“Oh, this was a total team effort,” Christen laughs, gesturing to herself.

“Sit down,” Ashlyn says. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Don’t sit down!” Tobin calls, rushing into the room. “She’s going to grill you and we won’t get out of here for another hour.”

“Rain check then,” Christen says, smiling at Ashlyn. She turns back to Tobin, who grabs a purse Christen definitely recognizes from Ali’s most recent haul video. Her hair is straight but soft, falling over her shoulders effortlessly, and her black dress falls on her hips perfectly, suiting her thin frame. “You look amazing.”

“So do you,” Tobin replies, kissing Christen quickly on the lips. She sticks up her middle finger at Ashlyn’s wolf whistle as she pulls away. “We’re out, guys, don’t wait up.”

“We weren’t planning on it,” Ashlyn says. “This must be what parents feel like when they finally get a night to themselves after having a baby.”

“Okay, drama queen,” Ali says. “Have fun, you two. Don’t do anything we wouldn’t do.”

Tobin pulls Christen out the door before she can hear Ashlyn’s inevitable follow-up comment. “So, where are we going?” Tobin asks, interlocking her fingers with Christen’s as they ride down the elevator.

“If I told you I’d have to kill you,” Christen says.

No matter how many times Tobin kisses her hand or runs her fingers up and down her arm or thigh in the car, Christen stays strong till they get to The Spare Room, an upscale cocktail bar and bowling alley.

“Surprise!” Christen says when they walk in. “Is this good?”

“This is so cool,” Tobin says, looking around. “Why do I have a feeling you’re going to be really good at this?”

“Because I’m really good at everything,” Christen teases.

“Are you going to bowl in your heels?” Tobin gasps. “And while drinking? That’s dangerous, babe.”

Christen smiles. “I like that.”

“Breaking your ankles?” Tobin asks, still figuring out the logistics of this whole thing.

“You calling me babe,” Christen says.

Tobin smiles, leaning in to kiss her, but Christen stops her.

“Um, not here,” Christen says, looking around. “PDA. Not my thing.”

“Right,” Tobin says, backing off.

“Anyway, you rent shoes. Come on, I reserved a lane for two hours. Let’s check in and order our drinks.” Christen slips an arm around Tobin’s waist, willing away her anxiety about being spotted to appease the slightly hurt look on Tobin’s face after the rejected kiss.

They order their cocktails, among the best in Hollywood according to Kelley, Christen’s social scene mentor, and settle into a lane after a lengthy ball-selection process. Christen orders appetizers because food is undoubtedly her expertise.

They bowl one quick game (Christen wins) before really sitting down and enjoying their food.

“This is awesome,” Tobin says for what must be at least the fifteenth time. “I'll have to tell Ali and Ashlyn about it.”

“We could double,” Christen suggests.

“That reminds me, will you be in town next weekend?”

“Should be, why?”

“Their engagement party is Saturday,” Tobin says. “You should come.”

“What?” Christen gasps. “They're engaged? Since when?”

“Since next Saturday,” Tobin laughs. “Ashlyn is proposing that afternoon.”

“Oh my God, I feel like you just spoiled my favorite TV show,” Christen says. “Have you seen the ring? What's her plan? What if Ali says no?”

“Please, Ali has been on her back for a year about it,” Tobin says. “I've seen the ring but Ashlyn said she’d kill me if I give away any details, so my lips are sealed.”

“Fine,” Christen groans. “I'm excited, I'll have to buy a cute outfit in New York.”

“Are you all packed and ready?”

“Packed? Yes. Ready? Barely.”

“What do you have left to do?”

“Come up with enough beauty and fashion tips to fill a book that people actually want to pay for.”

“You're writing a book? You are a Renaissance woman.”

“Not really,” Christen laughs. “It's my name and it's supposed to be my voice, but I have a co-writer who is doing most of the dirty work. It makes me feel a little weird, but she gets credit and everything, which makes it a little better.”

“Sure,” Tobin says. “For what it's worth, I’d buy anything with your name and face on it, so it’s a great marketing tactic.”

“That’s nice,” Christen says, leaning in to peck her on the lips. “Come on, we’ve got thirty minutes left. Rematch?”

Christen wins again, by a margin that would be a lot more embarrassing if she hadn’t clearly thrown the last three frames, and Tobin is a gracious loser, even though she’s determined to find something she’s better at than Christen. At this point, surfing is all she’s got.

“Don’t worry, we’ll practice,” Christen says as they walk into the cool air. She folds her arms across her chest. “My family loves bowling, you should come next time.”

“Yeah?” Tobin asks, resisting the urge to wrap an arm around her so she’s warmer. “We’re there? I can meet your family?”

“Duh you can meet them,” Christen says. “I’m not one of those girls who gets weird about that.”

“And when they ask who I am to you, you’ll say…”

Christen spins around to face her, smiling. “I don’t know,” she says. “What should I say?”

Before Tobin can answer, the pair are joined by two girls, waving shyly. “Hi,” the blonde one says. “I’m so sorry to interrupt, can we get a photo?”

“Yeah, of course,” Christen says, taking a step forward to create distance between her and Tobin. She frowns when the brunette hands Tobin her phone and they surround Christen, but Tobin doesn’t seem perturbed.

“Is this okay?” Tobin asks when she’s done, showing the girls the picture.

After a quick chat and a few hugs, the girls scurry away.

Christen folds her arms across her chest again, suddenly hyper-aware of being in public.

Tobin, in turn, becomes hyper-aware of Christen’s uneasiness, and they walk the rest of the way to the car in silence.

“My girlfriend,” Christen says as soon as they’re safely inside the car. “That’s what I want to introduce you as. To my family. My friends, whoever.”

“Okay,” Tobin says. “That sounds good.”

“That sounds good?” Christen laughs, leaning over the console to kiss her.

Tobin softens and melts into it, smiling when it finally hits her that she’s kissing her girlfriend. Christen Press, her girlfriend. Her girlfriend, Christen Press.

When Christen pulls away, she bites Tobin’s bottom lip gently. “We can do more of this and then some at my place. Do you want to stay over?”

“Of course,” Tobin says. “I want to spend every second I can with you before you go away.”

“It’s only five days,” Christen says, rolling her eyes. “I’m sure you’ll stay plenty busy.”

“Yeah, plenty busy missing you,” Tobin says. “Remember Sweden? That was miserable and that was even before you were my girlfriend.” Her eyes light up when she gets to say that word.

Kelley isn’t home when they get to Christen’s apartment, and Tobin wonders if that was by design, because Christen almost instantly pins her against the front door, kissing Tobin like her life depends on it.

Tobin resists the urge to talk or make a joke like she might if Christen didn't seem so intense. She's an incredible kisser, which Tobin already knew, but not just because of her skilled lips. She brings her whole body into her kisses, hands traveling with no destination in mind, hips pressing against Tobin’s purposefully, but not harshly.

When Christen comes up for air, her hands search for Tobin’s skin, finally landing on her arms. Her fingertips send shivers down Tobin’s spine and straight to her core, and Christen can tell because of the hairs that stand up on Tobin’s arm when she does.

“Bed,” Christen says, and even though she's calling the shots, Tobin knows she's supposed to make the first move toward her bedroom, which she does, dragging Christen along with her.

Christen locks the door and turns on the lights, which jars Tobin from her lust-filled stupor, but only momentarily as Christen dims the lights.

“I like to see,” Christen says softly.

Tobin nods, imagining what it'll be like when Christen is finally naked in front of her.

“What do you like?” Christen turns around, lifting her hair so Tobin can unzip her dress.

“What do you mean?” Tobin asks, pulling the zipper down gently.

“In bed. How do you like to be fucked?” She turns her head to look at Tobin, eyes wide with curiosity.

Tobin nearly chokes. It's not like what they're about to do surprises her, but hearing the words out loud coming from Christen’s lips in her voice, sweet and smooth as maple syrup, rocks her system.

“If we’re going to do this, I want to do it right,”
Christen further clarifies, cheeks turning pink as she lets her dress fall to the floor.

Tobin tries not to stare as Christen steps out of it and picks it up to hang over a chair with the rest of her dry cleaning. “Um, I don't know,” she says.

“Yes you do,” Christen says, standing far too confidently for a woman wearing just underwear in front of someone she's about to sleep with. “I'm the one who might be difficult, I've only slept with one girl.”

“And?”

“It was nice. At the time I don't think I knew it was sex. It was a little wild.”

“Do you like wild?”

Christen shrugs. “You still have hickeys from Saturday, don't you?”

“Yeah, but I think I gave you your fair share.”

“You did,” Christen says with a smirk. “That's how I knew we'd be compatible. But I want to know how to make you feel good. Will you talk to me during?”

“Sure.”

“Is this awkward for you?”

“No,” Tobin lies quickly. “Sort of.”

“That's okay,” Christen says. “Turn around, let me unzip you.” She moves Tobin’s hair out of the way and unzips, placing feather-light kisses down her neck and spine as she goes.

Tobin’s underwear is significantly less obvious than Christen’s, and Christen momentarily worries that Tobin wasn't expecting this quite as much as she was. It took Christen two hours to make sure everything was shaved just how she likes it and another hour to decide between the silky red or lacy black lingerie. She's glad now she went with the black, because Tobin’s simple set is black too.

“Tell me if there's anything you don't like, okay?” Christen says gently, kissing the back of her neck as her hands roam Tobin’s stomach. Her core is tight and rock solid, probably a result of all the balance surfing entails, and Christen wants to touch absolutely everywhere to see if it's the same.

“I have trouble imagining there would be anything you could do to me I wouldn't like,” Tobin says, turning around to kiss Christen.

Christen responds by backing her into the bed and laying her down, moving her lips from Tobin’s lips to her collarbone to her sternum, tongue swirling over each spot. In any other situation, Christen would spend more time in these places, sucking bruises into the skin or just kissing and memorizing, but Tobin is brand new territory to explore, and as much as she tries to deny it, time is fleeting.

Kelley only agreed to be out of the apartment till midnight because their flight is at 10 a.m., so Christen has to make it slightly more efficient than usual.

That's why she unclasps Tobin’s bra and flings it across the room, giving her breasts the attention she would have liked to on Saturday night. They're smaller than Christen’s, but they fit Tobin, and judging by the whine she hears when she licks at one nipple, she figures Tobin must like them as well.

Christen’s lips ghost down Tobin’s torso, pressing small kisses here and there as she makes her descent. Tobin seems to have accepted her role as the one being acted upon, and Christen looks up at her to make sure that's okay. When she sees the blissed-out look on Tobin’s face, she smirks.

“God, you're gorgeous,” Tobin murmurs quietly, and Christen looks up, surprised to hear her speak when up until now she's been silent aside from a few hums of affirmation.

Instead of answering, Christen kisses across Tobin’s pelvis, just above the waistband of her underwear. When Tobin’s eyes flutter shut, Christen drags her tongue up Tobin’s center, only the thin fabric of her underwear separating them. Tobin’s eyes fly open at the sensation, and Christen smiles, doing it again.

She can feel Tobin’s muscles tense under her touch, but Tobin promised to talk, and other than her random compliment, she's been utterly silent, so Christen decides to make her ask. She kisses everywhere but where Tobin wants her most till Tobin is squirming underneath her.

“Is this okay?” Christen asks innocently.

“Mhm,” Tobin murmurs, but she lifts her hips a bit, hoping Christen gets the point.

“But if there was something that wasn't okay, you'd tell me?”

“Mhm.”

“And if there was something you wanted?”

“Fuck, Christen, just take it off and touch me,” Tobin groans.

Christen smiles, satisfied. “Gladly.”

She's warm velvet when Christen rids her of the last barrier between them and runs a finger through her folds. If Christen weren't already confident in this, she'd be appeased by Tobin’s sharp intake of breath.

Christen almost can't believe how wet she is, but she doesn't comment on it, putting her tongue to better use instead until Tobin’s hands find her hair, hips rocking against her mouth.

Tobin’s body starts to quake, and Christen knows from her personal experience that she must be close. She entertains the idea of bringing her right to the edge and stopping, but it's as if Tobin reads her mind.

“Don't stop,” she moans, fingers clenching around Christen’s hair.

Christen works her fingers into Tobin’s core until she can feel her partner clenching around them. She's still panting as she rides out her orgasm, but Christen wants more. She didn't get rid of Kelley for Tobin to come quietly.

So she does something instinctively, praying that it does what she wants and it doesn't completely kill the mood. She drags her free hand down Tobin’s torso, dragging her fingertips along her side, before landing on Tobin’s hip and pinching the skin there.

Tobin inhales sharply, but when she breathes out, it's a desperate moan.

Christen replaces her tongue with her thumb, rubbing the sensitive area rapidly as Tobin realizes she's not stopping at one.

“Chris,” Tobin moans, and Christen looks up, smiling. “Fuck.” She throws her head back against the pillow as her body works its way toward another orgasm.

Christen takes her left hand and reaches for Tobin’s nipple, circling around it gently with her thumb before pinching it hard once, then twice. It pays off when Tobin’s hands grip at Christen’s shoulders, squeezing so hard Christen knows she’ll have faint marks in the morning as she tumbles over the edge again, this time practically screaming Christen’s name.

Christen has no intention of stopping, but Tobin grabs her wrist. “I can't,” Tobin whines.

Christen obeys, pulling her fingers away and sucking them into her mouth. She decides there will be time to negotiate one day, but tonight is about learning what works, figuring out what they like, and building trust.

Tobin is still shaking when Christen comes up to lie beside her, kissing her cheeks softly.

“Are you okay?” Christen asks.

“Yes,” Tobin says. “I just didn't expect—”

Christen’s heart sinks, and she curses herself for not being patient, for not asking Tobin if she even wanted any of it.

“I've never come that quickly in succession,” Tobin says. “And I've never felt like that in my life.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“Uh, yeah,” Tobin says, still trying to get her heartbeat to a normal pace. “I needed you to stop because I couldn't be sure another one wouldn't knock me out, and I need to get you off.”

“Fair enough,” Christen says, kissing Tobin on the lips. “Take your time.”

She doesn't need much time at all, partly because Christen is bossy and vocal about what she likes and how she likes it, but also because she feels like she has a point to prove when Christen straddles her face and lowers herself down.

This time when they fall asleep, they don't spend much time whispering sweet nothings, too spent to do anything but sleep, naked limbs intertwined, covers be damned.

When morning comes, Christen thanks her lucky stars that she locked the door, because Kelley tries the knob bright and early.

“I'm assuming the door is locked because you have a surprise for me and not for any other reason,” she calls. “Get up, our car is going to be here in an hour!”

“No,” Christen groans, rolling over so she's pressed against Tobin, who smiles but doesn't open her eyes.

“Get up, princess, it's time,” Tobin says, running a hand through Christen’s hair.

“I need to shower,” Christen says. “So do you.”

Tobin opens her eyes at that. She's prepared to argue, to tell Christen no, but when she sees her big green doe eyes, she is powerless.

It isn't till Kelley bangs on the door at 7:45 that they finally emerge, both showered and fresh-faced. Tobin wears Christen’s clothes because she didn't bring anything to change into, not that anyone besides Kelley would even notice.

Kelley gives them both a knowing look as she gestures to the coffee she brewed.

“Did you two sleep well?”

“Better than I have in a long time,” Tobin says, completely earnest, before realizing how that must sound.

“That's a decent review,” Kelley says. “Do you need a ride home? First Touch hired a car for us, but you can take it home after the airport.”

“No, it's cool, I'll get an uber,” Tobin says. “I'm meeting Ashlyn for breakfast.”

Both cars arrive fifteen minutes later, and Tobin carries Christen’s luggage downstairs and hugs her goodbye.

“It was good,” she says again before Christen can ask. “Have a good time in New York. Call me when you land and all that.”

“Okay,” Christen agrees. They part with a quick kiss and a wave goodbye, but when Tobin gets to breakfast with Ashlyn, she has a “miss you already” text from Christen.

New York is a whirlwind, as most business trips are, but in their downtime, Kelley and Tobin get some much-needed best friend dinners and cocktail dates. After a particularly long Friday filled with interviews and book meetings (Christen finally finished everything on the plane), they go out for cocktails before the big dinner party where all their YouTube friends will be.

“So do you want to talk about that interview?” Kelley asks.

“Which one? I had like four,” Christen says.

“The Seventeen one. When you said you were seeing someone.”

It had been the last interview of the day, and the question had caught Christen off-guard. The interviewer referenced the rumors that she was dating Jasper, and she vehemently denied those. The interviewer’s follow-up question was whether she was single, to which she responded no, that she is seeing someone and is very content.

“Well I am,” Christen says.

“But now you know every time you tweet someone or post an Instagram with someone, they’re going to think you’re dating them.”

“They do that already,” Christen says.

“Yeah, but you’ve been single forever. Now they actually have something to look for.” Kelley takes a sip of her martini before lowering her voice. “Have you considered making a coming out video?”

“What?”

“You know, like when someone makes a video announcing their sexuality.”

“No, I know what you mean, I just can’t believe you’re suggesting that.”

“Why not?”

“What would I even say? I’m Christen, and I’m confused?”

“You’re not confused,” Kelley says. “Just because you don’t have a name or a label for it doesn’t mean you’re confused. Saying you’re just not straight can have just as much of an impact.”

“What if I don’t want to make an impact?”

“Isn’t that kind of your whole thing?” Kelley asks. “Making a difference in the world? Helping people?”

“Yeah,” Christen says. “I don’t know, I just don’t know how I feel about being some sort of activist. And I don’t want Tobin dragged into it. She’s barely comfortable with the following she does have.”

Kelley shrugs. “You don’t have any obligation to make some sort of grand proclamation, but I think you’d feel better and it might make a difference to someone out there. But that’s just my two cents.”

Christen moves the conversation to the back of her mind for the next week. She means to bring it up to Tobin, she does, but when she gets back to LA she’s just so excited to see her and be with her again that she doesn’t want to ruin it with a serious conversation.

Ali doesn’t question it when Christen stays over on Friday night, even though staying at Christen’s probably would have made a lot more sense. In reality, it’s very purposeful, not that Ali knows anything about that.

Ashlyn makes dinner, Christen brings wine, and the two couples sit around the dining room table enjoying a rare quiet night in. At some point, Christen brings up a collaboration idea she had for a beauty video. Ali excitedly joins in, throwing out new ideas to add onto it before Christen, piping up like she hadn’t thought of it before this very moment, says “hey, why don’t we do it tomorrow?” When Ali agrees, Tobin sneaks a wink at Christen.

The next morning, Ashlyn announces she and Tobin are going to grab coffee and go to the beach while Ali and Christen film.

“Are we still on for later?” Ali asks, looking up at her. “Remember, we were going to go to our place?”

“Oh, shit,” Ashlyn says. “Yeah, what time did we say?”

“Five,” Ali says.

“Okay, yeah, we’ll be back by then.” Ashlyn says, leaning down to give Ali a kiss goodbye. “Love you.”

Ali rolls her eyes as she tells Ashlyn she loves her too and the girls leave. “She’s infamous for forgetting plans. I sync her phone calendar every night and she still manages to forget.”

Christen smiles, knowing full well Ashlyn wouldn’t forget this date.

Ali sets up her filming area while Christen gets ready. Christen’s video idea, one that she and Kelley have been talking about for a while, is an interview mixed with beauty series where Christen would use someone else’s makeup collection and do their makeup while she interviews them about beauty favorites, personal things, and everything in between. The conversation is supposed to flow organically, but Christen has a carefully manufactured plan for this one.

Christen does her introduction, even though she’s sure most of her subscribers must know Ali and Ashlyn by now, and gets to work, carefully selecting each step. She starts with eye makeup and easy questions like Ali’s favorite beauty product and best beauty secret.

When she gets to the eyeliner and mascara, she starts getting personal. “So before Ashlyn left, you said you’re going to your place. Can you share the story behind that? Or is it top secret?”

Ali smiles, doing her best to not blink and keep her eyes even so Christen doesn’t mess up. “It’s a good story actually,” she says. “It was our very first night in LA after driving across the country and moving all our stuff in, so we were exhausted and obviously didn’t have any groceries yet. We wanted to get a bite to eat, so I looked at the email my brother sent me with all his favorite LA food places, and we just picked this one at random. We showered so we weren’t totally gross, but we didn’t have that much unpacked so we just wore jeans and T-shirts or whatever. My hair was up in a bun, we were wearing glasses and barely any makeup, and we walked into this place where everyone was dressed to the nines.”

“Oh my God,” Christen laughs, glad she’s finished with the tricky part.

“Yeah, so I was super embarrassed, but Ashlyn was like ‘it’s LA, screw it,’ and walked up to the hostess and said we wanted a table for two.”

“That’s amazing.”

“It was,” Ali says. “And she sat us all the way in the back right next to the kitchen, and we probably looked like their charity case for the evening, but we had a blast laughing at ourselves and feeling so LA. So we go back every few months for date nights and special occasions like anniversaries or birthdays, and now we actually dress appropriately. Tonight we’re just going for drinks and appetizers, though. We haven’t had a real date in a while, so I’m excited.”

Christen smiles at the way Ali’s eyes light up when she talks about Ashlyn. She has no idea that tonight is going to be its own special occasion, and the thought fills Christen with butterflies. She applies primer to Ali’s face and starts on the foundation as she thinks of her next question.

“How did you know?” Christen asks. “When it came to Ashlyn?”

“Which part? That I liked her? That I was in love with her? That I wanted to spend my life with her?”

“All of it,” Christen says softly, and she might have to edit this out, but she doesn’t care. She just needs to know.

“She was the first woman I fell in love with,” Ali says, and she seems to understand why Christen’s asking. “I knew I liked women, but I’d never been with a woman till her. She kind of snuck her way into my heart by becoming my friend, but she was always very honest with me about her interest. Never in a way where I felt pressured, just that I knew she would be my best friend and that she’d be open to more if I ever was, but she wasn’t going to hold out for me.”

“When did you decide you wanted more?”

“When I saw her dating someone else,” Ali laughs. “She had gone on a couple dates here and there, but suddenly she was kind of serious about this one girl. I felt horrible for being so jealous, and I didn’t say anything for a while because I knew she would have dropped her for me in a heartbeat. But then they had a falling out of some sort and I waited a little longer and then I told her how I felt.”

“And she was receptive, obviously.”

“I found out the falling out was because she asked Ashlyn if the reason she wouldn’t commit was because she was in love with me and she couldn’t say no,” Ali says, a smile spreading across her face. “You could say we were both pretty relieved.”

“And the rest is history.”

“Till she puts a ring on it,” Ali teases, pointedly holding her left hand up to the camera.

Christen smirks and quickly redirects the conversation to beauty and life and YouTube, almost in awe of how perfectly it all came together.

When Ashlyn and Tobin finally get back later that afternoon, Ali and Christen are just wrapping up the video they’re doing for Ali’s channel.

“I usually try not to work on weekends, but this was too fun,” Ali says, hugging Christen before getting up to greet Ashlyn with a kiss. “Babe, she did my makeup and helped me pick out an outfit to go with it.”

“You look perfect,” Ashlyn says. “I’m going to shower and then we’ll go, okay?”

Her nerves are not lost on Christen and Tobin, but Ali seems oblivious.

Ashlyn gets ready quickly, and they leave in time to beat traffic (as much as you can do that in LA, anyway), but not before issuing a warning that they'd know if Christen and Tobin had sex on the futon.

“Oh my God, wait till you see the footage I got,” Christen gushes, opening her computer. “Ali told me the story behind the place Ash is proposing and then even made a reference to how she's taking forever to pop the question.”

“That's awesome,” Tobin says, sliding closer to slip an arm around Christen’s waist and watch the moment in question. “This is perfect. Thanks so much for distracting her.”

“Of course,” Christen says, turning her face to peck Tobin on the lips. “I’m honored to be a part of such a big day. But we’ve got work to do.”

They unload Tobin’s car, stocked full of the decorations she and Ashlyn had gone shopping for earlier. They hang streamers, inflate balloons, and clean up the apartment in plenty of time to get dressed and ready for guests to arrive.

“You’re hot,” Tobin says when Christen emerges from the bathroom in a mint green bodycon dress. “It’s too bad people are going to be here in like fifteen minutes.”

“Is that a challenge?” Christen teases.

“It would be if I didn’t like taking my time with you.” Tobin leans in for a kiss, her hands resting gently on Christen’s hips.

“It’s going to be so nice having my own place,” Christen says. “Then you won’t have to sleep on a futon and I can make you scream as loud as I want.” She pulls back to watch Tobin’s face turn red.

“Kelley’s not going to like it if you having your own place turns into me living with you.”

“Then you should live with Kelley.”

“What?”

“Well I don’t know, Kelley wants a roommate, you should have your own bed, you like each other, I like you both.”

“She doesn’t want a roommate, she wants you,” Tobin says.

“Yeah, well we’re kind of a package deal these days,” Christen says. “Why not ask her if she’d be down? It would make life a lot easier.”

“For who?” Tobin laughs. “You?”

“I mean, yeah,” Christen says. “Sorry, I know how that sounds. Never mind, do whatever you want.”

“I don’t not want to live with Kelley,” Tobin says. “I just think you might have inspired me to do the whole living alone thing.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Tobin says. “Hopefully not forever, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to give it a shot. And I wouldn’t be all alone, I could have people visit and stay over, maybe you could abandon your big fancy mansion for an evening and come play FIFA with me in my digs.”

“Stop it,” Christen says, rolling her eyes. “It won’t be a mansion and you’ll always be welcome. Have you been looking?”

“Not yet,” Tobin says. “I’ve browsed a few places online, but I haven’t gone to check any out.”

“I’ll come with you!” Christen exclaims. “I love apartment hunting.”

Before they can make official plans, they’re interrupted by a knock at the door indicating the arrival of the first guests, who are luckily Kyle and Nico.

Most of the guests are friends of Ali and Ashlyn’s from YouTube who Christen faintly recognizes from VidCon or First Touch or their guest appearances in other people’s videos, but she finds herself feeling uncharacteristically shy, waiting for Nico or Tobin to introduce her. In a way, she thinks she might feel weirder being around a bunch of people who are somewhat starstruck by her than she does around people who are way more famous than she is.

She escapes to the bathroom when she gets too overwhelmed, and Tobin follows her, waiting outside the door and knocking gently.

“Hey, you okay?” Tobin asks.

“I’m fine,” Christen says, opening the door slightly. “I just feel a little weird, I don’t know anyone.”

“I’m sure they all want to get to know you,” Tobin laughs. “They’d be silly not to.”

Christen smiles, somewhat halfheartedly.

“Can I kiss you?” Tobin asks.

“Of course,” Christen says. “Why would you ask?”

Tobin pecks her on the lips quickly and squeezes her hand. “There are people around, I wasn’t sure if it would be okay.”

“I think as long as we aren’t making out in the middle of the living room it’s okay,” Christen says, smiling and kissing her again.

“She said yes!” Kyle exclaims from the living room, holding his phone up to show the picture Ashlyn sent. As he does, a call comes in from Ali, and he shushes everyone and turns off the music to take it.

The guests of honor arrive twenty minutes later, and Ali, overcome by all the surprises of the evening, breaks down in tears as soon as she opens the door.

“I was hoping you two had left so we could celebrate,” she laughs, hugging Christen and Tobin one at a time. “But I guess this works too.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be out of your hair tonight,” Christen says with a wink.

Everyone spends the rest of the evening admiring Ali’s ring and popping champagne bottles until Kyle (kindly, but firmly) instructs everyone to leave. On the drive back to Christen’s, Tobin’s fingers mindlessly tap along to the music on Christen’s thigh, and Christen lifts them to her lips to kiss her hand.

“They’re so in love,” she muses, and Tobin smiles.

“They’re really something.”

“I would marry anyone who talked about me the way Ali talks about Ashlyn,” Christen says.

“I think you’re pretty great,” Tobin says, smirking.

“You know what I mean. It was kind of nice getting to be coupley around other people, though.”

“I was wondering if it was weird for you.”

“No, I liked it,” Christen says. “Everyone there was kind of coupled up, you’re their roommate. I felt like the odd one out until you started acting like my girlfriend.”

“I’m just following your lead,” Tobin says softly. “I know you have, like, a brand. And you’re not out or whatever. That’s why I don’t post any of our pictures in public. I just want to move at a pace you’re comfortable with.”

“It’s not that I’m ashamed of you or this or—”

“I know,” Tobin says, cutting her off. “You don’t have to explain. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. When you’re ready, I will be too.”

“I’m considering something Kelley and I talked about in New York,” Christen says. “Some sort of announcement. It just makes me feel weird.”

“About us?”

“No, about me,” Christen says. “Like, my sexuality. But as soon as I do, they’re going to start looking at us closer, and that’s what scares me.”

“Why?”

“Because the attention isn’t always fun,” Christen says. “And it’s a lot of pressure to put on a new relationship.”

“So take your time,” Tobin says. “No pressure here, okay? If you want advice or you just want to talk about it, that’s what I’m here for. That’s what Kelley and Julie are here for. But it’s your decision and your timeline.”

Christen leans over the console when Tobin gets to the parking garage of Christen’s apartment complex and kisses Tobin softly. “Thank you.”

As nice as Tobin made it sound, in the end, it’s not really according to Christen’s timeline. Two days into a trip to London at the end of February, Christen’s phone blows up with texts and tweets. It’s midnight in London, which means it’s only 4 p.m. in California.

The first text she sees is from Nico, and it just says “call me when you can, I’m so sorry.” She doesn’t bother reading any of the others, her heart racing a million miles an hour. She doesn’t have any texts from Tobin, and she’s sure something must have happened to her.

“Nico, what’s going on?” Christen asks as soon as he picks up.

“They’re fixing it right now,” he says, his voice higher-pitched than usual. “I sent them the footage without paying attention and they didn’t see it either, and—”

“What footage? Who’s they?” Christen asks. “Is Tobin okay?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t talked to her!” Nico exclaims. “Have you not been online?”

“No, I’ve been sleeping!” Christen exclaims, exasperated. By this point, she’s opening her computer to see what in the world everyone could possibly be freaking out about, but it doesn’t take too much investigation. She’s not sure at first what she’s looking at in the grainy, pixelated photo dominating her Twitter mentions, but she sees her unmistakable mint green dress pressed up against Tobin’s impossibly lanky body as they very clearly kiss. It’s even more obvious in the gifs that follow. “Oh shit.”

“It’s their engagement video,” Nico says by way of explanation. “You know how everyone was filming different things, like you doing that thing with Ali earlier in the day? I was in charge of the party stuff before they got there, and this moment just happens to be when Kyle got the call from Ali to tell him about the proposal. You two were in the background and I should have been paying attention, but I wasn’t. I’m so sorry, CP.”

“It’s fine,” she says quickly. “You couldn’t have—it’s fine. Listen, I have to go. It’s fine.”

She hangs up, hands shaking, and calls Tobin next.

“Hey!” Tobin answers cheerfully. “I thought you went to bed like two hours ago.”

“I did,” Christen says. “What are you doing?”

“Getting coffee,” she says. “I was just at the skate park. What’s up?”

“There’s a video of us kissing at Ali and Ashlyn’s party,” Christen says. “Nico took it and they posted it without realizing we were in the background.”

“What?” Tobin exclaims. “Fuck.”

“I know,” Christen says. “I mean—I don’t know what to do.”

“Have you talked to Kelley? Isn’t that her job?”

“She’s sleeping,” Christen says, but she thinks she hears the faint sound of someone (well, two people) definitely not sleeping coming from the room next door where Kelley’s staying. “Or otherwise occupied.”

“Are you okay?” Tobin asks.

“I don’t know, I guess,” Christen says. “I feel fine, I just don’t know what effect this will have on things.”

“So why does it have to have an effect?” Tobin asks. “People were speculating before we were together, they’re still speculating now. You were on my Snapchat story the night of Valentine’s Day and people had a field day. We don’t have to comment on it. We can pretend it never happened. It blows over, we move on, nothing changes.”

“Is there another option?”

“Sure,” Tobin says. “We could lie. Or I could say ‘hell yeah it’s true, my girlfriend is Christen Press and I’m proud of it.’”

Christen smiles and giggles.

“What you should do now is sleep,” Tobin says. “You have an early morning, and this is nothing to worry about. Like I said, I’m following your lead. Just focus on having a productive trip, coming home Sunday and letting me make dinner for you in my apartment.”

“Okay,” Christen sighs. “Wait, your what?”

Tobin laughs. “It was supposed to be a surprise, but I figured I’d give you something to look forward to.”

“Which one?”

“The one you liked with the rooftop pool and yoga studio. My lease starts March 1, but they’re letting me sneak in a little early to get it all set for you. I probably still won’t have that much food or furniture, but there will be an amazing new bed that will need to be broken in.”

“That sounds incredible. I miss you so much,” Christen sighs. “How far are you from home?”

“You mean Ali and Ashlyn’s?”

“I mean anywhere you can be in private and get me off over the phone.”

Tobin is silent on the other end, and Christen holds her breath. “I’m getting in my car now, does that work?”

“As long as you don’t mind not getting yours quite yet.”

“Nah, that’s okay,” Tobin says. “I’m holding out for the real thing.”

It turns out that Tobin is right to an extent. The excitement dies down after a little while, and by the time Christen touches down in LA, she hasn’t seen the picture in days. Christen purposefully avoids certain questions when responding to her followers, but for the most part, nobody seems to care very much. She has to refrain from liking long comments about how it’s none of their business and as long as Christen is happy, so are they, knowing people would take that as confirmation.

Christen has some downtime at the beginning of March that she uses to help Tobin move into her apartment and go house-hunting with Tobin and Kelley. In so many ways it feels like a new beginning much like the one she got in Sweden, only this time a lot more real.

She leaves out less and less of her flirty banter with Tobin in every vlog with each passing day, and by the time she moves into her new home in May, she feels comfortable enough to post a photo holding up her new keys proudly as she stands in her empty living room, flanked by Tobin, Kelley, and of course Khaleesi and Morena.

“One of the most important [keys] to success is being surrounded by strong, supportive, loving and beautiful women like these ones,” reads her caption. She doesn’t care how hard Kelley rolls her eyes when she sees it.

On her first night in the house, Kelley sticks around for takeout and one glass of wine, but she leaves Tobin and Christen alone to properly enjoy their first night there.

“You know what I love the most about this?” Tobin asks as she sits on the couch, scratching Morena behind the ears. “The fact that you told me this kind of hypothetical plan at the end of last year, and here you are, following through and doing it in style. That’s really admirable.”

“I love that you were so closed off to the idea of settling down anywhere or doing anything even semi-permanent, and now you have your own apartment and your own drawer and toothbrush at my house,” Christen says, leaning forward for a kiss.

“I love that you labeled that one box for your bedroom ‘do not open’ and Kelley did anyway,” Tobin says, grinning at the memory of Kelley’s face when she opened Christen’s private stash of bedroom necessities.

“I love you,” Christen says, and Tobin’s grin disappears, replaced by a look of wide-eyed wonder.

“I love you too,” Tobin says. She captures Christen’s lips with her own, pulling her onto her lap, much to the chagrin of Khaleesi, who was nestled into Christen’s side. “Is she going to attack if I carry you into the bedroom and close the door?” Tobin murmurs.

Christen shrugs. “Maybe, but I happen to know you like biting.”

Tobin shakes her head, throwing Christen over her shoulder and carrying her toward the bedroom as she shrieks with delight. As expected, the dogs chase after them and whine outside the door for a while, but eventually the cries from outside are drowned out by the moans from inside.

Christen isn’t sure what makes her wake up the next morning with the urge to film an unplanned video. Maybe it’s the half-naked woman wrapped around her or the way the light shines through her new bay windows so beautifully in the morning, but she has a spring in her step as she brews a pot of coffee and lets the dogs out in the backyard.

“Morning, beautiful,” Tobin says, rubbing her eyes as she walks into the kitchen. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“You looked too peaceful,” Christen says, pouring her a mug and handing it over with a kiss. “I don’t have stuff to make breakfast, but do you want to go out? I want to tell you about my idea.”

Tobin agrees to it in no time, and on the walk back from the nearby breakfast cafe, Christen tweets a question out to her followers.

@christenpress: Filming a Q&A today with a special guest :) Any burning questions for me or @tobinheath? Send them my way!

She’s only slightly surprised at how many responses come flooding in, but the good thing is that by the time they’re ready, there are plenty of questions to choose from. She lets Tobin choose a handful in addition to the ones Christen picks, figuring they could always cut the video down for length.

Christen starts the video by introducing her brand new set, a spare bedroom on the second floor of her house with amazing lighting and acoustics. She then introduces Tobin (despite the fact that her audience is already very familiar) and makes her give her own introduction.

“Uh, yeah, I’m Tobin, I’m 27, going on 28 at the end of May, which makes me feel old. I love surfing and skating and hanging out with cool people like Christen.”

“Perfect,” Christen laughs. “So today we’re going to be answering questions that you guys sent in via Twitter, and I hope you enjoy! Tobs, what’s our first question?”

“Our first question is from Meredith, who wants to know your favorite episode of Glee.”

Christen laughs. “Um, probably the Lady Gaga one? Oh, or Britney. Or the one where Brittany and Santana got married. I know Kelley and I are like the only people on the planet who watched it after like two seasons, but I have no shame.”

“Gay,” Tobin coughs jokingly.

“I can’t wait to edit out everything you say,” Christen says.

They go back and forth asking questions ranging from their favorite colors to whether they consider themselves feminists (a strong yes from both) to who they were most looking forward to meeting at VidCon.

Finally, Christen gets to one of the questions she was most excited to ask, even though Tobin has no idea it’s coming. “Mackenzie wants to know what you look for in a romantic partner.”

“Oh, Mackenzie wants to know?” Tobin jokes. “Well, I always like someone who’s kind and smart and strong and patient… and humble… and beautiful… someone who’s kind of a wild card,” she says with a smile. "A little sweet... and sassy," she says with a smirk. She continues adding adjectives slowly as she thinks of them, staring straight at Christen. She knows this isn’t getting edited out. “Do I have a word limit? Because I could go on and on.”

Christen laughs, ignoring the camera and taking Tobin’s face in her hands for a slow kiss. Everything after Tobin’s tongue slipping into her mouth will definitely end up on the cutting room floor, but Christen thinks she got the point across.

When the video comes out later that week, Christen takes a break from the internet for a few days. For the first time since starting this journey, she doesn’t really care what the world has to say about it. When she began making YouTube videos, part of her was just so desperate to be known by someone, especially when she wasn’t sure she even knew herself. She didn’t need to be universally loved and adored, and she certainly wasn’t expecting the levels of success and pseudo-celebrity that came along with it, but her heart constantly beat its desire to be known by someone, anyone.

Now she’s recognized and liked by a lot of people—10 million subscribers and climbing—but none of them really know her, not in a way that fulfills that hunger. Her heart still beats the same desire, even louder sometimes than it used to, because now she knows what it feels like to be truly known, down to her very core, and loved—not in spite of that knowledge, but because of it.