Chapter 1: Boyz n the Hood
Chapter Text
jb has added 'Jude St. Francis' to the conversation.
Jude St. Francis has joined the chat
Willem: Hey Jude
jb: JUDE🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Jude St. Francis: Hi. -Jude St. Francis
jb: why are u doing that
Jude St. Francis: What am I doing? -Jude St. Francis
Willem: You don’t need to sign your name Judy we know it’s you
Jude St. Francis: Oh. Sorry.
jb: how does it feel to be a screenager
jb: my little amish boy is growing up so fast
Jude St. Francis: I’m not Amish.
Jude St. Francis: And having a phone is interesting. Did you know you can access scholarly articles on the Internet? I’m currently reading the Matiyasevich proof. Negative proofs are so fascinating - trying to prove an impossibility almost defies human nature and comprehension.
Willem: That’s super cool, Jude
jb: you can also watch videos of raccoons trying to wash cotton candy
Malcolm: That’s the most emotional thing on the Internet.
Malcolm: *Video Attachment*
Jude St. Francis: I don’t get it. Why would a raccoon have cotton candy in the first place?
jb: ever heard of joy? of whimsy?
jb: omg
jb: we should make you an insta too
jb: so you can follow me
Jude St. Francis: Follow you where? I’m busy tonight.
jb: nvm
jb: do u know how to download an app?
Jude St. Francis: No. What would I do with an Instagram? You just upload photographs, right?
jb: yeah the whole point is to show off how much better your life is than everyone else’s
Jude St. Francis: But it’s not. Why would I want people to think that?
jb has changed ‘Jude St. Francis’ to ‘einstein’
jb has changed ‘Willem’ to ‘go white boy go’
jb has changed ‘Malcolm’ to ‘virgin’
virgin: fuck u jb
virgin: change it back
jb: love you too mal
einstein: Einstein should be capitalized. Why is everything in lowercase?
go white boy go: I feel objectified
go white boy go: But ik I’m incredibly privileged so I shouldn’t complain
go white boy go: Others have endured far worse oppression
jb: good boy.
virgin: did you learn all that from that white guilt club your gf made you go to
einstein: I thought Willem went to the Social Justice Club’s orientation?
go white boy go: I learned about entrenched systems of oppression in our society, especially in education
go white boy go: I bought my girlfriend roses after that. I felt so bad
go white boy go: I also started learning Spanish on Duolingo
jb: well you can alleviate your guilt by buying us all dinner tonite
jb: think of it as reparations ;)
go white boy go: Do you know how expensive roses are
jb: do you know how expensive discrimination is for a marginalized group
go white boy go: I can’t win
go white boy go: Fine. You guys wanna go to pho viet huong?
jb: booooo take us somewhere better. unless you think we aren’t deserving of it. yk. on account of our race
go white boy go: JB I have $12.96 in my checking account
go white boy go: Playing Iago on off-off-off Broadway doesn’t really pay a Nobu salary
go white boy go: You can get a lemonade at pho viet huong tho
jb: deal
einstein: I’m working until 7 tonight. And when I get home, I have to sew my classics professor a toga for his 8 a.m tomorrow. He likes to make his lectures realistic.
jb: wtf are u doing in those classes
einstein: Honoring history the way it’s meant to be remembered. Or at least, that’s what he says. I don’t know how to say “you’re fucking batshit” in Ancient Greek, so I just keep my mouth shut.
virgin: jude can swear????
jb: wow language judy
jb: this is a wholesome gc
virgin: JB you sent your nudes in this chat two weeks ago for us to approve them
einstein: Nudes?
Virgin: naked photos of himself
einstein: Oh. Okay.
einstein has left the chat
go white boy go: Way to go, guys
go white boy go: Don’t be weird
jb: the human body is perfectly natural
jb has added ‘einstein’ to the chat
einstein has joined the chat
einstein: Absolutely not.
go white boy go: jude pls stay
go white boy go: jb wont send any nudes of himself he promises
jb: who tf said i promised
go white boy go: The law
go white boy go: Jude's 17 remember
go white boy go: He's underage
jb: oh fuck
virgin: wow jb
virgin: im calling the police
virgin: *photo attachment*
jb: if you do i’m telling them how you stole weed from your parents last weekend
jb: i’ll tell tony the RA
jb: they don’t call him tony the tattler for nothing
einstein: Why would you send compromising photos of yourself in the group chat in the first place?
einstein: The Internet is forever. Even I know that.
jb: not everyone gets a chance to see the peak of human form
go white boy go: Uhh…
jb: but i bestowed that honour on these two
jb: and here they are. THREATENING me.
jb: willem wtf does that mean
go white boy go: Nothin
jb: fatshaming in 2015 tsk tsk. what would your gf think of this.
go white boy go: Fucks sake dont tell her
go white boy go: We’re already in a fight
virgin: what did u do
go white boy go: Why do you assume I did something??
jb: so its her fault?
jb: wowww blaming women
jb: of course.
virgin: even hall of famers fumble sometimes i guess
go white boy go: No it’s not
go white boy go: We usually get dinner together on Thursdays but I had to go to Jude’s award ceremony
virgin: I mean no one likes being the side chick
einstein: You didn’t have to come, Willem. It was a short ceremony anyway. Nothing important. Besides, only people from the Mathematics department were going to be there.
einstein: What’s a side chick?
go white boy go: its nothing malcolm’s being dumb
virgin: ouch??? fuck you too ig
go white boy go: But of course I was going to come
go white boy go: I can get dinner any day. You’re more important
jb: *Photo attachment*
jb: gag gag gag gag
jb: you two are like a lesbian couple
einstein: But we’re both men.
einstein: And we’re not dating.
jb: whatever
________________
New Chat: jb, einstein
jb: *Cup Pong*
jb: jude play with me
einstein: What is this?
jb: a game? Its cup pong jude youve seen willem play it at ezra’s parties
jb: but its a phone version
einstein: A video game?
jb: yeah exactly
einstein: How come you aren’t asking Willem to play? I don’t think I’d be very good at this, JB.
jb: willem thinks the game version is boring
jb: he said theres no point if he cant drink
einstein: What about Malcolm?
jb: he always loses
jb: hes so bad at it
jb: its funny sometimes but its also kinda sad
jb: plzzzzzzz judy
einstein: Okay, fine.
________________
Chat: Boyz n the Hood
jb: HE BEAT ME AT CUP PONG WHY
virgin: lmao get his ass
einstein: It’s just physics.
einstein: If you get the right initial angle and velocity, you can choose your horizontal displacement.
jb: iTs JuSt PhYsIcS
jb: fuck u
jb: my winning streak </3
einstein: Sorry.
go white boy go: Jude please play with me this weekend
einstein: I can’t drink yet, Willem.
einstein: None of you are allowed to drink, actually.
go white boy go: I’ll drink for you
einstein: Being 19 instead of 17 doesn’t make it any less illegal.
virgin: in canada it does.
go white boy go: I love you Judy but you’re the only one who actually cares about the law
virgin: breaking the law is what college is for
jb: mal you are not tuff 🥀
virgin: jb kys
einstein: What is ‘kys’?
jb: hes encouraging suicide
jb: can u believe it smh
einstein: Don’t do that, JB.
jb: do you mean it????🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹
einstein: Of course? I don’t want you to kill yourself.
go white boy go: you’re the only one jude
jb: HEY
jb: i am beloved by many
go white boy go: Seriously tho nobody cares if u drink Jude
go white boy go: And even if you get caught, we have dirt on Tony. He won’t report you
virgin: we have a video of him trying to get with the dean
einstein: What if someone calls the police?
jb: what fucking narc is gonna call the police on a college dorm party
go white boy go: Jude no one is gonna call the police unless they wanna commit social suicide
einstein: You have a video of what? Isn’t that against school policy?
jb: what did we say about the law jude
go white boy go: Just one drink jude
go white boy go: Thats it
go white boy go: Just one
einstein: Why is this such a big deal?
einstein: You know I’ve had wine before?
jb: you haven’t lived until you’ve had a buzzball
jb: actually scratch that. your first proper drink is gonna be a four loko.
jb: startin off in style
einstein: Four is a lot for my first time drinking.
einstein: What happened to a single loko?
virgin: i’m in tears
einstein: Why? What happened? Are you okay, Malcolm?
go white boy go: four loko is just the name judy
go white boy go: but even so, isnt a four loko a bit much for his first drink?
go white boy go: he doesnt even drink coffee or pop. what if he can’t handle all that caffeine?
jb: he’s tough. he can handle it.
einstein: I’m not sure about that.
jb: i thought you wanted him to drink willem
go white boy go: i meant a beer or maybe vodka
go white boy go: not a vomit concoction
jb: he’ll be fine its not even that bad
einstein: I’ll have a beer.
einstein: I just searched up what a Four Loko is.
jb: your search history must be an interesting place
einstein: And I am absolutely not ingesting that.
einstein: Why would anyone ingest that?
jb: i like to push my limits
jb: that’s how you grow
go white boy go: We’ll take what we can get JB
go white boy go: Just a beer then jude
jb: omg this is going to be so fun
jb: i need to start a juice cleanse in preparation
go white boy go: Rich as hell behavior. Are you talking about the dining hall apple juice
jb: if you put some salad bar stuff into it it becomes green juice
virgin: im gonna throw up
virgin: nasty
einstein: I don’t think any apples actually went into that juice.
jb: probably not. i’m going to stage a protest in the quad against michelle obama and her food policy
einstein: I think that policy was only for elementary schools and high-schools wasn’t it? We’re in college.
einstein: Sorry, I have to get going now. Work starts in an hour and I don’t want to be late.
jb: i like to exercise my right to free speech
jb: booo skip work and stay up chattin with us
einstein: No, JB. I have a bunch of custom orders to finish tonight.
go white boy go: I'm gonna head out too
jb: make amends w ur girl?
go white boy go: Hopefully
virgin: hey if it doesnt go well you can always get w someone else at the party
jb: gross mal
jb: is that what you think of women?
jb: this is why you get no play
jb: good luck willem. make it clear that you support women’s rights and wrongs
go white boy go: I'm not saying any of that. Im not taking any advice about women from you jb.
go white boy go: I'd actually rather take advice from Mal before you
virgin: what is that supposed to mean
virgin: i made blistering eye contact with katie jacobson at kappa delta last week while i was waiting in line for the frat bathroom
jb: oh yeah?
jb: that blistering eye contact didnt stop her from havin dinner w black henry at the sushi place on newbury st yesterday
virgin: fuck all of you
virgin: goodnight.
jb: lmaoooo
go white boy go: ouch
go white boy go: gn jb. ill see you back at the dorm
jb: gn prince charming
Chapter Text
Chat: Boyz n the Hood
virgin: how is he
go white boy go: Won't lift his face from the pillow
go white boy go: I tried to feed him Pedialyte through a straw but he just said “thank you Willem but I won’t make my suffering your burden” and fell back down
virgin: he only had two beers how is he so hungover
jb: the strongest flavor this boy has ever tasted is like. buffalo chicken
jb: give him some time. i’ll take him under my wing and soon he will become a master
go white boy go: I'm reading your texts to him
go white boy go: JB he says he's never drinking again
jb: thats what they all say
jb: but it’s kind of like labor. the trauma gets forgotten but the joy of it sucks you right back in
go white boy go: Interesting metaphor JB thanks for that
go white boy go: He just stood up and said “I need to go to class,” took two steps, and fell over
go white boy go: I put him back in bed and tucked him in
go white boy go: Livestreaming his lecture and taking notes right now. What is a homeomorphism? I thought this was math class
go white boy go: I am drawing symbols I didn’t know existed. I’m feeling extremely distressed can someone bring me a coffee
virgin: yeah im on my way to the dorms ill bring you one
virgin: the usual?
go white boy go: Thanks Mal
go white boy go: Yeah
go white boy go: This shit is frying my brain
go white boy go: How does Jude do this
go white boy go: WHY does Jude do this
jb: i tried convincing him to change his major
go white boy go: To what
jb: idk music or something
virgin: some of us actually wanna get jobs after school jb
jb: says the architecture major
go white boy go: Jude says hes gonna die
virgin: poor guy
go white boy go: I think he might cry
go white boy go: He sounds miserable
jb: i can skip class and come over
go white boy go: No offense JB but what would you do
jb: i have a cure for hangovers
jb: trust itll work
jb: tried and true baby
virgin: D NTO
virgin: WILLEM DONT LISTNE TO HIM
go white boy go: What why
virgin: HE GAVE ME THAT FUCKIN CURE TOO
virgin: ITS DISGUSTING
jb: but it worked didnt it
virgin: I COULDNT STOP THROWING UP FOR TEN MINUTES
jb: but were you hungover after
jb: mhmmm silence speaks volume
jb: guys hello
jb: whered you all go
jb: helloooooo
go white boy go: Jude threw up
go white boy go: All over the floor
jb: damn
go white boy go: Almost the second Mal walked in he threw up
go white boy go: And Mal dropped the coffees bc Jude threw up on his shoes
go white boy go: There's vomit and coffee all over the floor
jb: lmaooo ofc he threw up when mal came in
jb: who wouldnt
go white boy go: No I feel terrible he’s really upset
go white boy go: He’s trying to clean up
virgin: aw it happens to the best of us
jb: which ur clearly not mal
jb: you threw up too. in my dresser drawer
virgin: yeah but after a respectable number of drinks
virgin: hes trying to clean my shoes i keep telling him not to
go white boy go: We shouldn’t have pressured him into drinking I feel horrible
go white boy go: We broke him
jb: i’ll make it up to him
jb: the garden by the quad was blooming when i went by today
jb: i’ll bring him a bouquet when i come back
virgin: i don’t think you’re supposed to take those
jb: you know i’d do anything for judy
jb: even break the law
go white boy go: I’m making tea. If something’s gonna fix him it’s this
virgin: it’s working
virgin: he flipped over and one eye is open
virgin: and he’s talking! not in english tho idk what germanic language that is
virgin: oh good he finally figured out how to speak english again
go white boy go: He's saying to stop texting bc the phone buzzing makes him wanna tear his scalp off
go white boy go: So don't text anything JB
jb: gotchu
jb: shit sorry
________________
Chat: jb, virgin
virgin: jb do not steal flowers from the quad again
virgin: your gonna get kicked out
jb: you’re*
jb: your moms a literary agent why cant you spell
jb: also i do what i want
jb: also i kinda have to
virgin: no you dont
jb: yes i do
jb: dont tell willem
jb: or jude
virgin: ???
virgin: jb what
jb: okay so uh
jb: listen i didnt know hed end up this bad
virgin: bro what did you do
jb: i gave jude four loko in his cup instead of beer at the party
jb: LOOK IM SORRY
jb: BUT YOU KNOW EZRA ALWAYS GETS THE SHITTY BEER
jb: YOU CANT EVEN GET BUZZED FROM IT
virgin: what the hell is wrong w you
jb: it’s not my fault he couldn’t tell the difference
jb: it’s lowkey not even that deep
virgin: jb he didn’t even wanna drink in the first place
virgin: he’s supposed to be able to trust u
virgin: is this like child endangerment
virgin: or abuse
virgin: omg we’re going to fucking jail
jb: mal can u chill
jb: it’s just a shitty hangover
jb: it’s happened to everyone
virgin: yes but this isn’t even his fault
________________
Chat: jb, go white boy go
go white boy go: JB what did you do
jb: what
go white boy go: Ik you did something
go white boy go: He wouldn’t be this fucked up over a few beers
jb: some people have a lower tolerance
go white boy go: Don’t give me that shit JB
go white boy go: You fucked with him. What did you do
jb: why does it even matter
jb: you’re so protective of him for no reason
jb: i’ve been blackout and hungover so many times and you never cared like this
go white boy go: It’s different with him and you know it is
jb: why
go white boy go: Oh come on JB
go white boy go: He’s a kid
jb: fucks sake willem it’s only a two year difference
go white boy go: 17 and 19 are very different and you know that
go white boy go: And if we don’t look out for him
go white boy go: Who will?
go white boy go: You know he hasn’t got anyone else
jb: we aren’t his babysitters
jb: he doesn’t even want us babying him like this so I don’t know why you insist on it
go white boy go: I don’t know JB
go white boy go: I know we aren’t his babysitters I'm not saying he’s incapable of taking care of himself
go white boy go: But we’re his friends
go white boy go: And he is a kid. He’s not even 18 and he’s here by himself
go white boy go: We are at least a little bit responsible for him
go white boy go: And even if he was our age that’s still a shitty thing to do
jb: you know i love him but i don’t really think it’s that big of a deal
jb: and i didn’t come to college just to take care of a kid
go white boy go: You’re never going to just apologize are you
jb: i’ll fix it
go white boy go: You’re not giving him that vile concoction JB
go white boy go: He already threw up he's got nothing left in him
Boston, MA. 3:12 PM
Chat: jb, virgin, go white boy go
virgin: going to lunch and all of the flowerbeds in the quad are empty
virgin: explain
jb: that’s so strange
jb: are you two free tonight at 8
virgin: yeah why
go white boy go: I’m gonna hang out with my gf
jb: i got four tickets to the symphony
go white boy go: Oh
go white boy go: That’s really nice of you JB
go white boy go: I’ll tell her something came up
________________
Chat: jb, einstein
jb: meet me at the dorm at 7:30 tonight
jb: dress nice
jb: steal something from mal’s closet
einstein: JB, I’m not going out again tonight.
jb: it’s not like that
jb: just trust me
einstein: Okay. I’ll be there after class.
________________
Chat: jb, virgin, go white boy go
jb: leave class please I need your help
jb: we have 2 hours to set this up
jb: please i’ll buy you dinner
jb: ok maybe not but first round is on me next time we go out
virgin: jb your fake is literally just a piece of paper that you laminated with clear tape
jb: okay whatever i’ll make it up to you
jb: please
go white boy go: I shouldn’t leave calc
jb: it’s for judy
go white boy go: Okay fine be there in 10
jb: wow
go white boy go: Just to make sure you dont fuck up again
go white boy go: What is your plan exactly
jb: I’m gonna layer our entire room in tulips
jb: WE’RE gonna layer our entire room in tulips
jb: should i invite the nudist acapella group to sing for him as well
go white boy go: Probably not
virgin: it might make the symphony sound better
jb: ok fine
jb: should i get his name tattooed on my pec
go white boy go: “Pec” is a stretch
go white boy go: And no
go white boy go: Did you really steal every tulip from the quad garden???
jb: yeah
go white boy go: Okay
go white boy go: Make sure you clean them off at least
go white boy go: Last thing Jude wants is dirt in the room
go white boy go: He's just gonna start cleaning it
jb: ungrateful as all hell omg
jb: i’m trying to do something nice
go white boy go: It's not an apology if you get dirt and bugs on his bedsheets
virgin: you couldve just bought flowers instead jb
jb: i spent all my money on symphony tix genius
jb: plus taking them is more heartfelt
jb: and i’m entitled to them. do yk how much tuition is
virgin: ur literally on scholarship
jb: cant i empathize with my nepo friends
jb: like you mal
jb: i hear you i see you brother
virgin: i would just buy flowers
virgin: but do you mean it
jb: i will if you come home rn
virgin: fine whatever we were just sketching circles anyway
go white boy go: I'm bringing those olives he likes
go white boy go: Tell me why one jar was $13 I need to start an OnlyFans
jb: text me the link
jb: did my message deliver
jb: i said text me the link
jb: hello??????
________________
Chat: Boyz n the Hood
einstein: Thank you for tonight, guys. Everything was lovely.
einstein: I’m so sorry for all the trouble, you really didn’t need to do all that.
go white boy go: Ofc Judy we love you
go white boy go: Don’t apologize there’s nothing to be sorry for
go white boy go: JB I thought we agreed you were going to clean up the flowers
jb: i did
go white boy go: There’s still a trail of petals leading to your bed
jb: what!!!!! what a shocking development
jb: what could that possibly signify
go white boy go: Broom is next to the sofa. Clean up you freak
jb: everyone is so mean to me
einstein: I’ll help you clean up, JB.
jb: ily judy
________________
Chat: jb, einstein
jb: i really am sorry about what i did jude
einstein: I told you it’s okay, JB.
jb: i just wanted you to have fun at the party and get drunk like everyone else
einstein: I know you didn’t mean anything bad by it.
einstein: But maybe next time, let me know what I’m about to drink, okay?
einstein: And stop stealing flowers from the Quad’s garden.
einstein: They’re lovely, but you’re going to get in trouble one day.
jb: not if i never get caught 😎
jb: plus you’re worth getting in trouble for
einstein: Thanks, I think?
einstein: We should go clean up before bugs start getting into the dorm.
jb: yessir omw
Chapter 3: Life in the Dreamhouse
Summary:
movie night with the boys
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chat: Boyz n the Hood
jb: movie night tonight???
jb: backfat meeting got canceled so i’m bored
einstein: I’m doing homework, but I’ll sit with you guys.
jb: cmon judy don’t be lame
jb: it’s probably like next week’s homework too
virgin: what are we watching
jb: eyes wide shut
go white boy go: We are NOT watching that
go white boy go: You’re too freaked out JB
go white boy go: Be normal
jb: you guys are so fucking lame
jb: what do you want to watch, a nature documentary???
einstein: I would love that.
jb: are we fr🥀
go white boy go: We’ll pick something in-between
jb: okay whatever
jb: jude can you bake i’m starving
einstein: Sure.
virgin: jb i literally gave you five of my meal swipes
jb: listen i love dessert counter diana but she just doesn’t do it like judy
go white boy go: Jude’s not your personal private chef JB
go white boy go: Make something yourself for once
virgin: please no
virgin: we’re too young to die
virgin: I haven’t even gone out on a date yet
jb: you couldn’t waterboard that out of me mal
jb: it’s not my fault jude is super wonderful and talented and the best baker in the world
jb: right judy :-)
einstein: I once watched JB try to microwave his Frosted Flakes Flames in a plastic bowl.
einstein: Yesterday, he bragged about packing his own lunch and said that being a chef was his missed calling.
einstein: He just put an entire box of uncooked rotini and a bottle of ketchup in his backpack.
go white boy go: Ignoring the plastic bowl thing im unfortunately not surprised
go white boy go: Why the hell were you microwaving Frosted Flakes
jb: just bc you don’t have a sophisticated palate like mine doesn’t mean you need to be jealous
einstein: I have a test tomorrow, I don’t want food poisoning.
einstein: I’ll bake cookies for movie night.
jb: BLESS
jb: betty crocker would fall at your feet judy
einstein: Betty Crocker is a person?
einstein: I thought it was just the name of the company.
jb: no but she’s like. the fictional einstein of baking
jb has changed ‘einstein’ to ‘betty crocker’
jb: see
jb: you’re the best at everything
jb: :)
jb: mal we’re using your tv
virgin: if jude gets a new name can i have a new one too
virgin: and youre such a mooch
jb: it’s called being an effective manager
jb: and no
jb: names should be reflection of who we are
go white boy go: how is mine a reflection of me
jb: have you looked in a mirror willem
jb: sry to break it to you but
jb: you’re white
betty crocker: No way.
betty crocker: Willem, were you aware of this?
go white boy go: I’m sorry, guys. I was going to break it to you but couldn’t find the right opportunity
go white boy go: I hope you don’t see me any differently
betty crocker: Wow. You can’t trust anyone these days.
betty crocker: Mal, don’t tell me you’re white too.
virgin: well…
jb: he basically is
virgin: stfu u pmo fr
betty crocker: What does any of that mean?
virgin: idc atp gng sybau
betty crocker: I didn’t know you were bilingual, Malcolm. What language is that—is it Germanic?
go white boy go: As a Swedish person I take personal offense to that
jb: willem you aren’t even swedish you’re like icelandic or something
jb: not to mention your name is dutch
jb: white ppl appropriating other white cultures oh when will it end
go white boy go: Sorry for having a name i guess??
jb: as opposed to judy. what an admirably ambiguous name
jb: you can’t infer a thing about him. his gender, his race, his religion—all mysteries!
virgin: are we fr
betty crocker: Can someone please preheat the oven in the kitchen for me? I’ll be there in five minutes.
jb: yeah i gotchu
virgin: no way ill do it
virgin: do you not remember jb
virgin: the entirety of hood hall voted to ban you from going near the oven
jb: this is basically oppression atp
betty crocker: Thank you, Mal.
jb: judy judyyy can i at least lick the batter from the spoon after
betty crocker: No, JB, that’s gross.
jb: what if i killed myself 💔
betty crocker: You can’t, you have a midterm on Friday.
jb: on my mama im gonna do it fr
betty crocker: The midterm? I hope so.
jb: youre telling me you’ve never been tempted to try the batter
jb: not once
betty crocker: No, I’ve never been tempted to get salmonella.
jb: oh come on i’ve done it dozens of times and i turned out perfectly fine
virgin: “normal”💔
betty crocker: JB, do you want cookies or not?
jb: yes pls judge judy sorry ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
betty crocker: Judge? I don’t get it. We’re still in undergrad.
jb: omg
jb: next movie night we’re binging judge judy
go white boy go: JB where’s the beanbag
go white boy go: We can’t all fit on the sofa
jb: i borrowed it for personal reasons
jb: it’s fine you can sit on my lap
betty crocker: You can sit on the sofa, Willem.
betty crocker: I’ll sit on the floor.
jb: no
go white boy go: No
jb: mal can sit on the floor
virgin: wtf why
virgin: sit your own fatass on the floor
jb: WOAH
jb: ur mad im thick
virgin: it’s MY TV???
virgin: i wont let you continue taking my autonomy
virgin: im finally standing up for myself✊🏽
jb: the lightskinned emoji……….
virgin: fuck off
virgin: your emoji is 🍔
jb; that doesn’t even make any sense
virgin: i know i just got angry
go white boy go: Ladies please
go white boy go: It's fine I'll go ask Phaedra if she can part with one of her beanbags
jb: fine. stay making women’s lives harder
jb: this is so unfair willem just gets whatever he wants
jb: the rest of us are actually forced to develop a personality
jb: if i had your looks willem
betty crocker: Stop saying that. You’re good-looking too, JB.
jb: oh my god you want me so bad just say it
virgin: HES 17
virgin: 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
betty crocker: I think all of you are good-looking people, and you’ll all find someone someday.
betty crocker: Even you, Mal.
virgin: thanks judy
virgin: wait wdym even me???
jb: LMAOOOOO
betty crocker: I didn’t mean it like that, Mal.
betty crocker: I only meant because you’re always saying you’ll never find someone.
betty crocker: But I think anyone would be lucky to be with you.
virgin: aw judy that’s so kind of you thank you
virgin: see how easy it is to be nice @jb
jb: wdym im saintly
jb: its in my name even
virgin: no? judes name has saint in it
jb: dumbassss
jb: jean-baptiste
betty crocker: He means St. John the Baptist.
virgin: dunno who that is
jb: this convo is only for real ex-catholics
betty crocker: So, have any of you preheated the oven yet? I’m getting in the elevator.
virgin: oh shit
virgin: will do that
jb: can’t even turn on an oven i don’t blame katie jacobson for going out w henry
virgin: yk what jude dont bother w the cookies
virgin: jb certainly doesnt need them
jb: OKAY DAMN
go white boy go: Secured the beanbag
go white boy go: Mission accomplished
jb: smh taking things from women
jb: havent they suffered enough
go white boy go: What are we watching anyways?
jb: mission impossible
betty crocker: Those movies are so bizarre. None of that would ever be permitted under international law.
jb: k fine we’ll watch barbie life in the dreamhouse
betty crocker: That show always reminds me of us, for some reason.
jb: there are tears in my eyes
jb: im raquelle obviously
jb: jude ur midge
jb: we all know who willem is and i hate him for it
go white boy go: JB you’re Ryan
jb: fuck no mal is ryan
betty crocker: I think Mal is Skipper.
virgin: do i get a say
jb: no
virgin: k
jb: i’m heading over now
jb: actually hold on that really tall blonde guy from art history class just came in
go white boy go: We’ve got no drinks for movie night
go white boy go: JB you’re doing nothing go out and get some
jb: roger that
go white boy go: No alcohol though
jb: is this a church group meeting or something
jb: i left my bible at home
jb: are we singing kumbaya
go white boy go: I've got a morning lift tomorrow and Jude has class
jb: LAME LAME LAMEEE
jb: oh wait
jb: jude you wanna try mountain dew
betty crocker: That sounds like a nice drink, actually. Is it spring water?
jb: sure
betty crocker: At least it isn’t Dr. Pepper.
jb: hey dont insult the dr
betty crocker: I thought the name meant it was healthy. I still don’t understand the maker’s intention.
jb: dw about it ill get you mountain dew instead
jb: ill bring takis too
jb: we’re going all out tonight boys
go white boy go: I cannot go to lift in that condition
go white boy go: I’ll just stick with Jude’s cookies
go white boy go: This bod takes effort yk
jb: oh and cookies are part of the diet?
go white boy go: It's better than red dye 40
go white boy go: Gotta work hard play hard. That’s the zest of life
jb: holy shit i hate white people so much
jb: football isn’t even that deep you get a break between every play
jb: like every five seconds
go white boy go: Okay bet
go white boy go: I’ll race you in the 100m
virgin: can we place bets? im putting my lifes savings on willem
virgin: not even jude has as much trouble going up stairs as he does
virgin: huffing and puffing more than the wolf in the three little pigs
jb: ye of little faith
jb: i’ll have you know i was on my high school chess team #athlete
virgin: #nerd
betty crocker: We should play chess sometime, JB!
virgin: oh jb getting beat by willem and then getting beat by jude can i watch please please pleasee
jb: it’s not fucking fun if i lose
jb: dog on me one more time and i’m buying plain cape cod chips instead
go white boy go: Oh I actually love those
jb: of fucking course you do
jb: they’re literally you as a chip
jb: this is pissing me off i have to check out and leave
virgin: cookies are done
virgin: they smell so good im gonna finish them before you get back @jb
jb: :(
betty crocker: We’re sharing them.
betty crocker: You’ll get a cookie too, JB, I promise.
jb: when nobody got me i know judy got me
jb: jude you’re my soulmate
betty crocker: That’s very kind, JB. Be safe coming home.
jb: hi this is a paramedic unfortunately jb got run over by a car
betty crocker: JB!
jb: i’m just kidding judy i love you
betty crocker: Not funny. I don’t know what we would do if we lost you.
jb: well now i’m sad
virgin: barbie life in the dreamhouse will cheer you up
virgin: stop texting and come home
jb: omw ❤️
Boston, MA. 7:55 PM
Chat: jb, virgin, go white boy go
go white boy go: Don't make it obvious that you’re looking but
go white boy go: Does Jude seem off to you
virgin: he seems fine?
jb: no ur right he does look a little pale
jb: and distracted
virgin: maybe he’s coming down with something
virgin: there’s a cold going around
jb: yeah maybe
jb: or maybe his legs are bothering him
jb: he said that happens sometimes
go white boy go: Do we say anything?
go white boy go: I don’t want to make him uncomfortable
virgin: maybe it’ll pass
virgin: I think it’s better to just leave him alone
jb: I don’t know
jb: I don’t think you guys can see it but from my angle he’s digging his nails into his palm
virgin: even if we say something he wouldn’t let us help him
virgin: he doesn’t even take aspirin
virgin: shit stop looking I think he’s noticed us staring
go white boy go: Well we can’t just sit here and do nothing
jb: water? maybe?
jb: okay so he doesn’t want any water
jb: I think Malcolm’s right there’s nothing we can do for him
jb: just let it pass
go white boy go: I think we should go to bed
go white boy go: Jude’s had a long day, maybe he’s tired and that’s causing it
jb: but its only two episodes left in the season
jb: it must be really bad
jb: usually he’s so engaged but he isn’t even noticing us texting
virgin: guys does it look like he’s sweating?
go white boy go: I can hear him grinding his teeth
jb: fuck maybe we should call someone
jb: there’s a medical center on campus
jb: it’s only like a ten minute walk
go white boy go is typing…
Boston, MA. 1:33 AM
Chat: jb, go white boy go, virgin
virgin: guys
virgin: are you awake?
go white boy go: Yeah why
virgin: is Jude asleep?
go white boy go: I think so
go white boy go: Mal you’re on the bottom bunk across from him can’t you tell
virgin: no he’s turned away from me
go white boy go: I hope he’s managed to get to sleep
go white boy go: That was fucked
go white boy go: Thanks for coming with us guys
jb: ofc. hes our friend too.
virgin: i can’t stop thinking about it
virgin: what was that even
virgin: it’s never been that bad before
jb: did he tell you what the doctor said
go white boy go: No he just came out with a prescription for something but he didn’t say anything
go white boy go: He just kept apologizing
go white boy go: I did get the doctors phone number though
go white boy go: Well he’s not even a doctor. the resident
go white boy go: I don’t think he’s even allowed to tell us anything but he seemed chill
go white boy go: He said to call him if this happened again
go white boy go: And he scheduled a follow up for Jude
virgin: hey maybe theyll figure out what’s wrong with his legs
jb: you don’t think maybe
jb: it’s stupid but
jb: could it have been the takis
go white boy go: JB cmon
go white boy go: Be serious
go white boy go: Btw guys
go white boy go: You know he’s not going to want to talk about this tomorrow
virgin: seriously? after that scary shit i think we should talk to him
go white boy go: No Mal he’ll just get upset
jb: but what if there’s something going on huh?
jb: what if he’s getting worse and he won’t tell us
go white boy go: Idon’t know it’s just kind of part of being friends with him
go white boy go: We have to take that risk
go white boy go: I seriously think his privacy is the most important thing to him
go white boy go: No matter what
jb: what kind of fucking friendship is that?
jb: that’s not fair willem that was terrifying to see
jb: he owes us some kind of explanation
go white boy go: Okay he doesn’t owe us anything JB
virgin: but we’re his friends
go white boy go: It doesn’t mean we have to tell each other everything
go white boy go: I want to know things too
go white boy go: But we have to respect what he wants
jb: willem its not like we’re asking him to describe his morning shit
jb: this is serious stuff
jb: and the kind of stuff you tell your friends about
go white boy go: Idk if you’ve noticed but jude isn’t exactly like every other friend
go white boy go: We’re lucky enough that he trusts us at all
go white boy go: We can’t just break that
go white boy go: Even if we think it’s the right thing to do
jb: if he really trusts us willem hed tell us what’s going on
jb: he wouldn’t let us wait until he was convulsing on the fucking floor to know this episode was a bad one
go white boy go: Look jb i don’t know what his situation is
go white boy go: Nobody does
go white boy go: But clearly if he’s not telling us then he really doesn’t want us to know
go white boy go: If he’s going to these lengths to keep it a secret then there must be a reason
go white boy go: If we keep pushing he’s gonna hide from us more
jb: what if pushing is what he needs?
jb: what if we don’t push and the next time something really really bad happens
jb: and he doesn’t ask for help or let us know
jb: then what willem
go white boy go: JB i don’t fucking know
go white boy go: I'm just trying to do what’s best for him too
go white boy go: And we really can’t afford to overstep his boundaries
go white boy go: Just please hold off on confronting him for now
go white boy go: I don’t want to talk behind his back this feels wrong
go white boy go: But there’s a secret he wants to keep
go white boy go: We can at least give him that grace
virgin: stop texting i saw him shift i think he’s awake and can hear us typing
virgin: no nvm false alarm he’s asleep
go white boy go: We all need sleep
go white boy go: That was a long night
jb: yeah no shit
jb: i’m still fucking pissed about this btw
go white boy go: JB please enough
go white boy go: Don’t you dare say a word to him in the morning
go white boy go: He’s had a shitty enough time as it is
jb: fine
jb: not because i agree with you
jb: just because i care about him
go white boy go: Thank you
go white boy go: Believe me JB i want answers too
go white boy go: But we’re gonna have to accept that Jude likely won’t tell us
go white boy go: And we just have to accept who he is at face value and what he decides to tell or show
jb: this really fucking sucks you know
go white boy go: I know it does
go white boy go: But we have to be the best friends we possibly can to him
go white boy go: And hopefully that means making him realize that we’re in it with him
virgin: he’s only young anyways
virgin: I’m sure at 17 none of us were eager to discuss every secret or problem
virgin: things will get easier with time
jb: mal that was two years ago
virgin: yeah but we were in high school
virgin: that’s totally different
virgin: Jude’s in college
virgin: now that i think about it
virgin: is that not kind of crazy ?
jb: yeah but he’s just unique like that
jb: that’s why he’s such a good friend
jb: he has all this cool shit going on about himself but he always acts like our lives are so much more important
jb: I just wish he was as good to himself as he is to us
go white boy go: I know
go white boy go: I know I said this but it was really good to have you guys there today
go white boy go: it’s so much easier to not have to do all this alone
jb: im surprised you aren’t mad i got kicked out
go white boy go: Well this time is an exception
go white boy go: Besides the fact that you nearly made the receptionist cry and the security guard was this close to tackling you
go white boy go: Also after watching you carry him for ten minutes i take back what i said about you not being able to play football
virgin: yeah it was incredible that you carried him all the way there
jb: he doesn’t weigh much
jb: and it wasn’t that far
jb: also i was buzzed off the mountain dew
jb: but thanks
virgin: jb
virgin: you didn’t spike the mountain dew did you???
virgin: i swear jb bc we told the nurses jude didn’t have any alcohol in his system!!!
jb: fucking relax
jb: I only spiked my bottle
jb: none of yours
jb: i learned my lesson cant you believe that i can evolve and grow?
go white boy go: Not gonna answer that
go white boy go: Going back to the takis thing
go white boy go: His reaction was so fucking funny
go white boy go: You’d think he was an ailing Victorian child
jb: LMFAO you’d think we were feeding a lemon to a baby the way his face wrinkled up
virgin: has he ever had a single processed food in his life
jb: do you think jude is vaccinated or is he like one of those crunchy mormons that don’t believe in vaccinations or modern medicine or preservatives
jb: wait holy shit do you think that’s why he never takes any aspirin
virgin: i feel like given his name i don’t think he’s a crunchy mormon
virgin: and im FAIRLY certain he’s vaccinated considering i overheard him lecture one of ezra’s weird friends about myths regarding vaccinations
virgin: we’re in the clear on that we don’t have to worry about him getting smallpox
jb: he so would though
jb: he probably gets like dengue fever during regular boston flu season
go white boy go: Okay I don’t think he’s getting dengue fever
go white boy go: I'm going to sleep, I’ve still got that early lift tomorrow
virgin: is jude going to his class too?
go white boy go: Probably
virgin: is that really a good idea
go white boy go: I don’t want him to but we can't stop him
jb: what if i duct taped him to his bed
jb: i think Richard has a whole supply of it
go white boy go: jb
jb: alternative
jb: i tuck him in extra tight so he cant escape
jb: i’ll change his alarms what’s the passcode to his phone
virgin: probably like. leonhard euler’s birthday.
go white boy go: Just leave him be
go white boy go: We gotta just let him do what he wants
go white boy go: We can try to make his life a little easier though
go white boy go: I can’t sleep anyway I might go make him breakfast and wrap it up for the morning
jb: I’ll help
virgin: you’re still banned from the kitchen appliances jb
jb: cant even do a good deed for a friend in this place I hate this dorm
go white boy go: If you want to do a good deed for a friend
go white boy go: Go to sleep rn
go white boy go: Otherwise you’re gonna be complaining all day about your creative genius being stifled
jb: I have never complained a day in my life this is propaganda and slander
go white boy go: Goodnight JB
jb: fine
jb: goodnight
virgin: thanks guys I love being neglected
virgin: hello?
virgin: goodnight malcolm
virgin: is that so hard ffs
Notes:
justice for malcolm irvine
Chapter 4: Strawberry Cream Puff
Chapter Text
jb: jude get an instagram pleaseeee
jb: so you can look at all my close friends stories
betty crocker: You know I love your stories, JB.
betty crocker: But can’t you just tell me them at home?
virgin: GUYS
virgin: GUESS WHAT
jb: your dad finally said i love you
virgin: shut the fuck up
virgin: jude do you know lena marlowe?
virgin: from your complex analysis class?
betty crocker: I think she sits across from me.
betty crocker: Why do you ask?
virgin: she texted me
virgin: i dont even know how she got my number
virgin: but she said she wants to meet with me in person at the hawthorne centre
virgin: bc she wants to ask me something important
virgin: this means exactly what im thinking right???
go white boy go: Nice catch Mal
go white boy go: I’ve seen Lena around, her brother’s in my icelandic lit class
jb: hot?
go white boy go: Very
jb: damn nice catch mal
virgin: i’ve honestly never talked to her
virgin: but we do make eye contact across the dining hall sometimes
virgin: i guess my game just transcends words
go white boy go: When is this??
virgin: tomorrow afternoon
virgin: i have no idea what to do
virgin: what do i wear
virgin: what do i say
virgin: i don’t even know her
jb: start with a haircut
jb: ill see if my barber can fit you in today
virgin: whats wrong with my hair
go white boy go: Well…
jb: willem you cant comment on a black man’s hair sit down
go white boy go: Sorry
virgin: oh so now im black
jb: ig
jb: but yeah whatever willem was gonna say i second it
go white boy go: I take it back man you’re so handsome don’t even worry about it
virgin: oh thanks that makes me feel better
virgin: i don’t know how to act bro
virgin: do i smile at her or do i play it cool
go white boy go: Remember that time you tried to “play it cool” with Emma from statistics
virgin: wdym tried??
go white boy go: Dude she told you about her hamster dying and you said “okay? And?” and never spoke again
virgin: i was being mysterious
jb: bro thinks he’s jude st francis 😂😂😂😂
betty crocker: What did I do?
betty crocker: And Mal, don’t worry too much. Just be yourself.
betty crocker: That’s more than enough.
jb: terrible advice
betty crocker: Sorry, I don’t know much about women.
betty crocker: Willem will probably have better advice.
go white boy go: Idk I just go up to them and they just give me their number
go white boy go: Or if it’s the vibe we just go home together idk
jb: the most privileged statement ever
jb: oh look at me im willem I have a chiseled face and striking grey eyes and luscious blonde hair and broads all the way to broadway throw themselves at me
go white boy go: I don’t think you can say “broads” JB
virgin: yeah I don’t think that’s politically correct anymore
jb: says the motherfucker who said lena marlowe was hot even though he has a whole girlfriend
virgin: i fear i must agree with jb there
virgin: is loyalty in your dictionary
go white boy go: It’s just an honest observation
go white boy go: Completely innocent
jb: oh yeah? say it to your gf then
go white boy go: Fuck no I’ll end up dead in the charles river
jb: does she beat you 💔💔
jb: she’s like 5’1 that would be so funny to watch
go white boy go: No we’re both very respectful
go white boy go: I try to be the best communicator I can
go white boy go: It’s the only way a relationship can work
jb: wait
jb: did i
jb: did i ask
go white boy go: Okay go fuck yourself
go white boy go: Name the last guy who you brought around for more than a month
jb: i just want to give everyone a chance
jb: it’s not fair to keep it limited to one guy
jb: ever see yone else would be jealous
go white boy go: I think that’s called being the village harlot but ok
jb: woah not very progressive of you
go white boy go: You were just calling women broads
jb: it was affectionate
jb: eminem did it and he didn’t get canceled
jb: white man’s privilege.
jb: mal we’re picking out your outfit together tonight
jb: can’t have you showing up in a bowtie and loafers again
virgin: god that was one fucking time
go white boy go: You gotta let us know how it goes
virgin: i will
jb: im omw over we’ll see whats in the closet
go white boy go: My class is almost over I’ll be there soon
betty crocker: I’ve got a lab, I won’t be able to come. Sorry.
betty crocker: But do send photos.
Boston, MA. 6:56 PM
Chat: jb, betty crocker
jb: jude
jb: judeeee
jb: hey jude
jb: haha get it
jb: judyyyy
jb: judy garland
jb: judge judy
jb: judy holiday
jb: judd
jb: joodee
jb: deedee
jb: the great magical judini
jb: jude the dude
________________
Boyz n the Hood
go white boy go: Jude
go white boy go: Jude get online we need you to settle something for us
betty crocker: What?
jb: bro why did you not respond to my text
jb: do u not have notifications on for me or something
go white boy go: We can’t decide which shirt he should wear
go white boy go: Hold on im sending pics
betty crocker: JB I just got out of my lab.
betty crocker: I have my phone turned off in my labs. We aren’t allowed to have them out.
jb: boo
jb: what if my life was being threatened and i texted you
jb: but you were too busy with your petri dishes
go white boy go: Threatened by what? The treadmill?
virgin: i’ll send the photos
virgin: jb and willem are wrestling rn
betty crocker: Oh no. I hope they don’t get hurt. Tell them to be careful.
betty crocker: Yes please, send the photos.
virgin: *photo attachment*
virgin: *photo attachment*
virgin: *photo attachment*
virgin: which shirt is better
betty crocker: I think you look very nice in all of them, Mal.
virgin: judyyyyyy
virgin: pick ONE
betty crocker: The blue looks nice. I think she’ll love it.
virgin: well theres a win for jb
virgin: he picked that one out
jb: VINDICATION FUCKERS
jb: judy knows i have incredible taste
go white boy go: You have a hat that says “women want me, fish fear me.”
go white boy go: You once paired it with a leopard-print athletic shirt.
jb: at least i don’t dress like fucking adam sandler every day
jb: you don’t wear anything besides football swag and sweatpants
jb: you have the personality of chia pudding
go white boy go: God forbid a guy be comfortable
jb: you probably eat chia pudding too
jb: actually no i think judy does
betty crocker: Chia pudding is nice.
jb: see?
jb: and unfortunately willem’s white boy swag works on the ladies
go white boy go: It takes one in a million to pull off a wifebeater
jb: oh and that term is okay?
go white boy go: I’m reclaiming it
virgin: can we come back to me please
go white boy go: Just add pants and sneakers
go white boy go: Be chill about it
virgin: me??? be chill about it???
virgin: you know i can’t
virgin: what if she thinks im weird
virgin: we havent even talked to each other
go white boy go: She liked you enough to ask you out
virgin: should i bring her something? flowers?
betty crocker: Yes. Preferably from a store this time.
jb: >:/
betty crocker: I can also bring a pastry home from work for you to give to her. I have an early morning shift tomorrow so I can come drop it off before you head out to see her.
virgin: ur the best judy
betty crocker: I’m just glad to see you so happy.
jb: im just glad to see you finally get some
jb: i was starting to become concerned by your sheer lack of game
jb: you’re singlehandedly bringing down the average number of bitches in this group
go white boy go: Now bitches is definitely not politically correct
virgin: hey jude doesnt have anyone either
virgin: sorry
virgin: sorry jude
betty crocker: It’s okay.
jb: yeah jude doesnt have anyone bc he doesnt gaf
jb: you give too many fucks
jb: the desperation reeks from you
betty crocker: JB, be nice.
betty crocker: Caring is a good thing, Mal. I’ve always admired how genuine you are.
virgin: thanks judy
virgin: i’m gonna go to bed early i don’t wanna have eye bags tomorrow
Boston, MA. 10:23 AM
virgin: jude
virgin: are you on your way?
betty crocker: Yes, I’m almost at campus.
betty crocker: Strawberry cream puff made especially for your lady.
virgin: dude ur the man
virgin: i can always count on you
jb: jude why dont you ever bring ME pastries :(
go white boy go: He’s doing you a favor trust me
betty crocker: This is a special occasion, JB.
betty crocker: I can’t always bring pastries from work, they’re for the customers.
jb: white people must die
jb: ugh finee
jb: you got lucky malcolm
jb: judes baking alone will get you a woman
jb: sexiest skill ever
virgin: i hope you’re right about that
virgin: ooh i think jude’s here
virgin: *photo attachment*
virgin: heading out now
virgin: wish me luck
go white boy go: Good luck Mal, you look great. Go out there and get em tiger
jb: *photo attachment*
jb: GET EM TIGER?
virgin: thanks willem
Boston, MA. 11:03 AM
jb: wiping tears of pride rn
jb: our boy malcolm
jb: all grown up
jb: finally getting attention from a woman
jb: can you believe it
betty crocker: He looked really happy when he left.
go white boy go: Gotta start planning the wedding now
go white boy go: Who’s gonna be best man
jb: obviously me
jb: willem you can be the flower girl
go white boy go: This is the perfect opportunity for me to use that little dress i bought!!!
jb: send me a picture pleaseeeee
jb: just so i can make fun of you ofc
jb: no other reason
betty crocker: I’ve never been to a wedding, what’s a flower girl?
jb: you’ll go to one when you and i get married
jb: jk cant be tied down i'm a free soul
betty crocker: Haha.
jb: you’ll go to one when malcolm and his new lady get hitched
jb: willems not the settling down type either theres no hope there
jb: just a cad for the rest of his days
jb: breaking hearts everywhere he goes
jb: invoking the ire and awe of the female population
go white boy go: Dude yesterday a truck of girls followed me back to campus
go white boy go: I had to take some shortcuts to throw them off
go white boy go: It’s not all fun and games here yk
jb: let me play you a sad song on the worlds smallest violin
go white boy go: JB I don’t even wanna hear it from you
go white boy go: You sleep in your own bed like three days a week
jb: i get sad when i’m alone
go white boy go: Aw JB my bed is right next to you you could’ve just asked
betty crocker: You aren’t alone, JB. We’re always here for you.
jb: 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
jb: prove it
jb: go out with me this weekend
jb: 🥹
go white boy go: HE'S 17 !!!
jb: as buddies!!
jb: where one buddy pays for the other buddy’s meal
betty crocker: Okay. We could go to that new Mexican place that opened up on the other side of campus?
go white boy go: Stop taking advantage of jude
jb: friends help friends
go white boy go: Are you that broke that you need a teenager to feed you
jb: yeah 💔
betty crocker: I owe you anyways, JB.
betty crocker: You carried me to the medical center.
betty crocker: And you got kicked out because of me.
jb: oh jude
jb: you dont owe me for that
jb: but you DO owe me because you used my toothpaste once last semester
jb: so mexicans still on !!
betty crocker: Haha. Okay, JB.
go white boy go: I wonder how Mal’s doing
jb: probs living it up w his new paramour
betty crocker: I hope he’s having a good time.
Boston, MA. 1:50 PM
Chat: go white boy go, virgin
go white boy go: How’s the date going Mal
go white boy go: Mal?
go white boy go: Malcolmmmm
go white boy go: Must be busy huh
go white boy go: I’ll leave you lovebirds alone then
________________
Chat: Boyz n the Hood
go white boy go: He hasn’t responded to any texts
jb: good for him
jb: it must be going well then
go white boy go: We aren't gonna hear the end of this when he gets home
betty crocker: We’ll be up all night talking by the looks of it.
betty crocker: That’ll be fun 😊.
jb: omg jude using emojis
betty crocker: I like the little yellow face. At the bakery, my boss asked me to make ‘emoji cookies’ because they’re very popular online right now.
jb: jude you’re like if a character from a fairy tale book came to life its insane
jb: i read your texts in the voice of snow white
betty crocker: Oh, from the Grimm Brothers? I read that story. The part at the end where the evil queen has to dance in red-hot iron slippers until she dies gave me nightmares for a week.
jb: that was not in the disney movie wtf
betty crocker: I always worried that would happen to me.
jb: how would you ever get into that situation judy
jb: unless you spend your days talking to a magic mirror and plotting murder
jb: besides ur not evil. ur snow white. you can probably talk to animals n shit
betty crocker: I don’t think so. But I did help a cow birth her calf once and she was in so much pain, but when I told her everything was going to be okay she seemed to become more calm.
go white boy go: Animals are smarter than we think
go white boy go: There was a horse on my farm and it was definitely evil
go white boy go: I hated that horse
go white boy go: I was so happy when it died of colic
jb: what the hell did the horse do to you
go white boy go: Back in high school I was trying to impress my gf by showing her I knew how to ride a horse and when I got on that bastard horse’s back it threw me off across the field
go white boy go: So embarrassing
jb: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
betty crocker: Ouch. That sounds painful, Willem.
go white boy go: It was! I thought I broke my back.
jb: take us back to your farm i wanna see you get thrown off a horse
go white boy go: Hell no
________________
Chat: jb, virgin
jb: mal
jb: mallard
jb: megatron
jb: bro what are you up to???
jb: can we at least get some updates from the meeting?? how did it go
jb: answer our texts
Missed call from jb. 2:22 PM
Missed call from jb. 2:24 PM
Missed call from jb. 2:26 PM
jb: malcolm?
________________
Chat: Boyz n the Hood
jb: have any of you heard from him yet
go white boy go: Nope
go white boy go: I even tried calling him
jb: so did i
jb: what if shes a serial killer and hes dead in a ditch rn
go white boy go: I’m sure he’s fine
go white boy go: Having the time of his life
go white boy go: No girl wants you to be looking at your phone all the time while you’re out with her
jb: he can at least send one text so we know he still walks the earth
go white boy go: Aw are you worried about him
go white boy go: That’s new. Who are you.
jb: stfu im the most caring empathetic person ever
jb: malcolm if ur not back by dinner we’re coming to find you
go white boy go: Leave him alone what if he’s gone out to dinner w his girl
jb: that doesnt explain why he isnt texting us
jb: he usually loves to tell us stuff
betty crocker: I’m sure he’s alright.
________________
Chat: unknown, betty crocker.
unknown: heyyyy :)
unknown: thanks for the strawberry cream puff it was sooo good
unknown: and the flowers are so pretty
betty crocker: Who is this?
unknown: wdym
unknown: jude its lena
unknown: i got your number from your friend? the one w the glasses? malcolm?
unknown: ig he told you that i was asking to meet with him
unknown: and you’re so sweet for sending the treats with him
unknown: how did you know what i was gonna ask him?
unknown: ik you’re smart but still haha <3
betty crocker: Oh, I see.
betty crocker: Is this Lena Marlowe?
unknown: who else silly
betty crocker: Are you with Malcolm right now? He won’t answer any of our texts.
unknown: no? he left hours ago.
unknown: after we met and he dropped off the stuff you told him to bring
betty crocker: How come? I thought you two were going out together?
betty crocker: Did something happen?
unknown: ??
unknown: jude what are you talking about
unknown: why would i go out with malcolm?
betty crocker: You said you wanted to ask him something and that’s why you wanted to meet up?
betty crocker: Were you not asking him out?
unknown: what no????
unknown: im not even into malcolm
unknown: nothing against the guy he seems nice but hes not my type
unknown: i was gonna ask him for your number
unknown: i know we’ve only really talked once in class but i think you’re really cute jude
unknown: not to mention super smart
unknown: and i wanted to ask you out actually
unknown: but i was too shy to ask you for your number
unknown: but one of my friends had your friends number so i texted him if we could meet so i could get your number from him and ask him to put in a good word for me haha
unknown: jude? hello? i can see you read my texts why aren’t you responding?
unknown: helloooo
________________
Chat: Boyz n the Hood
betty crocker: We need to find Malcolm.
betty crocker: Now.
go white boy go: ????
go white boy go: Jude what’s going on
betty crocker: There was a misunderstanding. I’ll explain when I find you.
betty crocker: But he isn’t with Lena.
go white boy go: Uh oh
go white boy go: How are we going to find him???
jb: boys boys boys
jb: ive got eyes all over this campus
jb: ill text everyone i know for possible malcolm sightings
jb: willem you do the same
jb: text every girl you got in that phone
jb: im sure the entire female population of boston in is those dms
go white boy go: No need
go white boy go: Just came out of class
go white boy go: I think I see him across the green
go white boy go: He’s alone
go white boy go: I’m going to him
betty crocker: I’m on my way. JB?
jb: yeah im comin
Boston, MA. 5:43 PM
Chat: betty crocker, go white boy go
go white boy go: You know he’s not angry at you, right judy?
go white boy go: He wasn’t ignoring you because of anything you did
go white boy go: He just needs some time alone
betty crocker: I feel terrible.
betty crocker: I didn’t know, Willem, I swear.
go white boy go: I know Jude
go white boy go: You’re terrible with girls
betty crocker: I am. It’s all my fault; I should have understood what she meant.
go white boy go: No that’s not what i meant
go white boy go: She’s just crazy
go white boy go: If she just wanted your number she could've said that in a text
go white boy go: Asking Malcolm to meet up? To ask something so secret she can't say it over text? i mean what else does that mean?
betty crocker: I guess. But he blames me.
betty crocker: And it makes sense.
betty crocker: I guess I shouldn’t have given him all those things.
betty crocker: I was just so glad to see him finally feel good about himself.
betty crocker: He was so excited when I talked to him beforehand.
betty crocker: You know he’s had a hard time feeling like he’s found his place. I wanted so badly for that to finally happen for him.
go white boy go: I know Judy I did too
go white boy go: I do too
go white boy go: But it’s neither of your faults
go white boy go: He loves you so much
go white boy go: He wouldn’t lose that just over this
betty crocker: He must feel so awful.
betty crocker: I need to apologize.
betty crocker: But I’m worried I’ll make it worse
betty crocker: And I’m sure I’m the last person he wants to talk to right now.
go white boy go: You have nothing to be sorry for
go white boy go: He just needs some time
betty crocker: I do. I should’ve known better.
go white boy go: Judy I promise you didn’t do anything wrong
go white boy go: Want to grab dinner together tonight? Could just be somewhere on campus
go white boy go: I haven’t seen you yet today
betty crocker: Thank you, Willem. But I don’t really feel like going out right now. I think I might just call it an early night.
betty crocker: Maybe I’ll talk to Malcolm in the morning.
go white boy go: No worries
betty crocker: Willem.
betty crocker: Are you really sure I haven’t ruined things between me and Malcolm?
go white boy go: Yes judy
go white boy go: Mal’s just hurt from the situation right now
go white boy go: But it’ll all pass and one day we’ll look back on this as a ridiculous memory
go white boy go: Even malcolm
betty crocker: Okay
betty crocker: I just wish I knew how to make this up to him.
go white boy go: Just keep being there for him
go white boy: Like you always are
go white boy: That’s what he needs right now
go white boy: Not some harlot
betty crocker: Okay, Willem. I don’t think it’s Lena’s fault.
betty crocker: Sure, she could’ve communicated better.
betty crocker: But I really don’t think she understood the situation.
go white boy go: I know, I’m just upset for Malcolm.
go white boy go: Maybe we shouldn’t have let him get so excited about it
go white boy go: I mean, did any of us stop to think that wanting to talk could mean anything else?
betty crocker: It’s not your fault. We all wanted it to happen for him.
betty crocker: I really hope he doesn’t resent me. I can’t stand the thought of not having him around.
go white boy go: Don’t worry Judy
go white boy go: You’ll always have him
go white boy go: And the rest of us
betty crocker: I hope you’re right.
Boston, MA. 11:03 AM
Chat: go white boy go, jb
go white boy go: *photo attachment*
go white boy go: :-)
jb: did you take this photo on a potato 💔
Notes:
awh
Chapter 5: Halloween
Summary:
halloween night. what will the boys dress up as?
Chapter Text
jb: guys we should all get matching pajamas and wear them around hood at night
jb: to show everyone that we’re bonded
virgin: fuck nah
go white boy go: I will JB
go white boy go: Toughen up Mal, real men twin
jb: are you afraid to be seen with us mal💔💔
betty crocker: Is it because of my crutches and braces?
virgin: WHAT NO
virgin: i just don’t want to wear matching pjs with jb and willem?????
virgin: nobody would want to
virgin: it’s nothing on you judy ofc not
jb: oh so you’re just ashamed of US
virgin: yes.
go white boy go: Guys Phaedra is asking whether we r going to the sigma chi halloween party
virgin: wait im invited too??
virgin: really??
go white boy go: Shut up Mal ofc you’re invited
go white boy go: So we’re going??
betty crocker: When is it?
go white boy go: sat at 9
betty crocker: Sure, my shift ends at five. I can make it.
jb: judy is so hardworking
jb: my #provider
go white boy go: Provide for yourself dickwad
jb: 💔
jb: what should we dress up as
jb: we gotta do a group costume
virgin: did i not just say i dont wanna twin w you
jb: this is different it’s HALLOWEEN
jb: hood common room is one thing
jb: sigma chi basement is another!!!
jb: we need to show people that we’re a Unit
jb: stronger together ✊🏿
virgin: you can’t just pull out the black power emoji when you want me to agree with you
jb: but is it working
virgin: ….
virgin: yeah
jb: excellent. any further questions
go white boy go: What are we going to be?
jb: can we be teletubbies PLEASE
betty crocker: What are teletubbies?
jb: like vibrantly colored reborn dolls slash aliens slash humanoid lemur creatures
betty crocker: I see.
virgin: jb do you think that dressing up as a teletubby will benefit my social prospects in any way
jb: well they certainly cant get any worse than they currently are
jb: youve got nothing to lose mal
go white boy go: Famous last words
go white boy go: These are teletubbies Jude
go white boy go: *photo attachment*
betty crocker: I’m still confused.
betty crocker: Are they meant to be some sort of animal?
betty crocker: Why is there a baby’s head in the sky? Is it some sort of religious symbol?
go white boy go: It's a childrens show Jude they're just silly characters
jb: their names are tinkywinky, dipsy, laa-laa, and po
jb: us fr❤️
betty crocker: Us? Which one am I then?
virgin: this is like a humiliation ritual we can’t be serious
virgin: when i show my future kids my photos from college this cannot be one of the
virgin: i’m going to be laughed out of my own home
virgin: imagine if my father saw us dressed as teletubbies
virgin: feeling cold just thinking about that lecture bro
virgin: when he was in college he definitely dressed up as like arnold schwartznegger or something
virgin: i can’t besmirch the family legacy with tinkywinky
jb: i think the legacy has already been besmirched my guy
virgin: die
betty crocker: Don’t be silly, your father is very proud of you.
betty crocker: I know I am.
betty crocker: But I’m not sure I want to show up as a bloated, limping creature to a frat party.
betty crocker: I’m already on crutches and have these braces. I think it’s grotesque enough.
go white boy go: Stop that Jude you are not grotesque
go white boy go: Peter from suite 14 is also on crutches because he broke his tibia playing ultimate frisbee
go white boy go: And you don’t see anyone calling him any names
betty crocker: It’s different, Willem.
go white boy go: No, it’s not.
jb: jude you are eons cooler than peter
jb: you have a certain mystique about you
jb: meanwhile everyone saw peter trip over a dachshund while running across the quad to catch the frisbee
betty crocker: Thanks, I think.
betty crocker: I’ll do what you guys want.
betty crocker: Ideally not Teletubbies, though.
jb: everyone hates me and wants me dead
virgin: fine i’ll do it with you guys if it’s something normal
go white boy go: What are some classic foursomes
go white boy go: Like the Beatles or something
virgin: yeah or the ninja turtles
jb: mal we are about to turn 20 years old
virgin: so???
jb: yk what
jb: nothing
jb: keep being u mal
jb: i have the best idea
jb: brace yourselves
jb: we’ll go as the guys from mt rushmore
jb: i think theres a sale on founding father costumes at the spirit halloween
go white boy go: Is
go white boy go: Is that politically correct
jb: the costumes are half off who gaf
jb: jude you gotta be abe lincoln
betty crocker: Why? I don’t mind, but why?
jb: you’re the tallest
jb: we’ll get you a fake beard
betty crocker: Okay.
jb: willem is george washington obviously
jb: no explanation needed
go white boy go: Thanks?
jb: it wasn’t a compliment.
jb: im theodore roosevelt the best one obviously
jb: mal you’re thomas jefferson
go white boy go: Is that okay
go white boy go: I mean, jefferson is known for having kids with his slaves, who were children themselves mind you
go white boy go: And Mal is half-black and half-white
go white boy go: Is that not offensive? Is that not romanticizing slavery-centred narratives?
go white boy go: What if that chick from my cultural sensitivity class sees?
jb: *photo attachment*
jb: willem
jb: it’s a fifteen dollar costume from spirit halloween
jb: i just want to see you in a powdered wig and judy in a top hat
jb: is that too much to ask for.
jb: history haunts me every day.
jb: do i not even get to enjoy halloween in peace anymore
jb: also you have a GIRLFRIEND you slag
go white boy go: Okay at this point i barely have a gf
go white boy go: We’re probably gonna break up soon
betty crocker: Oh no, Willem. That’s terrible; I’m sorry.
virgin: what happened???
go white boy go: She’s mad because we’re not spending enough time together
go white boy go: Like god forbid a guy has friends
go white boy go: God forbid a guy’s on scholarship and needs to keep his grades up
go white boy go: God forbid a guy works for pennies as a waiter and cant always take her out to nice restaurants bc i need to buy groceries
virgin: you literally skipped class yesterday to get lunch with jude
betty crocker: Willem, you skipped class? You told me it was canceled!
jb: holy fat
go white boy go: JB I don’t wanna hear it from you
go white boy go: Let’s see you go a week without begging Jude to bake for you
jb: can i not compliment jude on his talents
virgin: you can but the rest of us are normal about it
go white boy go: Anyway this girl Sam from work has been chatting me up lately I might get with her
go white boy go: Not to get ahead of myself or anything
jb: harlot
go white boy go: Throwing stones from a glass house hm
jb: anywayyyyy
jb: founding fathers???
jb: i’ll buy the costumes rn and you guys can venmo me
go white boy go: I’m down
virgin: sure
jb: willem you have to powder your face
jb: think you can handle not looking pretty for the ladies for one night
go white boy go: I’ll make it work
go white boy go: It’s gonna be embarrassing if I’m hooking up with some girl and my makeup comes off though
jb: oh the perils of having women throw themselves at you
jb: you’re so certain you’ll be hooking up w someone
go white boy go: Don’t wait up for me
go white boy go: Unless you’re going to ihop
go white boy go: Then I wanna come
jb: oh my god
jb: i think you and mal should switch bunks
jb: i don’t think you should be on the top anymore
jb: the entire thing is going to collapse and crush poor judy
go white boy go: Ew JB
go white boy go: I wouldn’t do that while jude’s there
jb: i meant bc you’re gonna get fat from all the pancakes you eat
jb: smh cant believe your mind went THERE
jb: not very wholesome of you willy
go white boy go: Can you not call me that
go white boy go: Why are we even having this discussion
jb: because your fatass decided to ditch us on halloween night
betty crocker: If you want to have fun, feel free, Willem. I don’t want to stop you.
betty crocker: But I would prefer not to be crushed to death in my sleep, pancake-induced or otherwise.
go white boy go: Everyone is so mean to me
go white boy go: My diet is the only upside to having lift at 6 a.m.
go white boy go: Last week I had half a batch of Jude’s brownies and still woke up with a six-pack
go white boy go: Can you say the same
virgin: the only six pack you woke up with was that carton of bud lights you hammered in sigma chi’s basement
virgin: i seem to remember you throwing up in one of the pockets of their pool table
betty crocker: You’re the one who ate half the brownies?
betty crocker: I was wondering who that was. I thought it was JB.
jb: false accusations!
jb: even the fucking snack stasi has a racial bias
jb: i can never escape
betty crocker: Willem, those were supposed to be for everyone.
go white boy go: I was doing them a favor
go white boy go: Out of sight, out of mind, right?
go white boy go: But I’m sorry Judy
go white boy go: I’ll bake new ones to replace them
virgin: please do NOT
jb: hes gonna put fucking herring in the brownies jude stop him
go white boy go: You guys sound like my gf
go white boy go: I can never do anything right
jb: CORRECT
go white boy go: “Willem, don’t eat that! Willem, don't do that!” When will it end
go white boy go: Just for once I want to hear someone say “good job, Willem.” “Thank you, Willem.”
jb: ffs willem we arent your therapist
jb: take your mommy and daddy issues elsewhere
go white boy go: Wtf
go white boy go: I sat on the floor of the common room with you for 3 hrs yesterday listening to you complain about that kid in your art history class
go white boy go: And you try to silence me after one text
go white boy go: Maybe injustice IS real.
go white boy go: ✊🏻
virgin: THE WHITE POWER EMOJI????
virgin: i’m posting this on the school twitter
go white boy go: IS THAT WHAT THAT MEANS
go white boy go: No wait don't I have a reputation please
virgin: say goodbye to marla from cultural sensitivity.
jb: i might have to write an op-ed about this
jb: it would be a shame if it blew up like the last one
go white boy go: Jude help
betty crocker: I hate to say it, but you knew what you were getting yourself into when you sent that emoji.
betty crocker: A picture is worth a thousand words.
go white boy go: Oh my god no one is real anymore
go white boy go: You can’t trust anyone
go white boy go: What happened to brotherhood
jb: the only brotherhood you seem to be in is the aryan brotherhood willy
go white boy go: NO IM NOT
go white boy go: STOP CALLING ME WILLY
jb: it’s too late
jb: time to embrace your new supremacist identity
jb has changed “go white boy go” to “ willy raggyson”
willy raggyson: I’m going to kill myself
willy raggyson: My father didn’t work himself half to death for decades for you to tarnish his good name in this manner
willy raggyson: I feel emasculated
virgin: can i get a name change too
virgin: idc what it is just anything but this
jb: yeah maybe we can ask your dad for any nicknames for you
jb: oh wait
virgin: im gonna actually kill him guys im so serious
jb has changed “virgin” to “fabulous flora”
fabulous flora: FUCK YOU
betty crocker: JB, come on. That’s not nice.
willy raggyson: Why arent you defending me too Jude??
betty crocker: I’m not biased. I only help when it’s merited.
betty crocker: Change it, JB. To anything.
jb: make me
betty crocker: I’ll never bake again.
jb: okay okay
willy raggyson: Damn you sure folded quick huh
willy raggyson: The prospect of hurting a dear friend didn’t phase you. But the loss of a few bites did
willy raggyson: Just big and greedy
betty crocker: You’re 19 years old and bickering like children.
betty crocker: You need a 17-year-old to babysit you.
betty crocker: Are you sure it’s a good idea for you three to be drinking all weekend?
fabulous flora: wdym the THREE of you
fabulous flora: i didn’t even do anything
fabulous flora: i’m the victim here
jb changed ‘fabulous flora’ to ‘veruca salt’
veruca salt: oh fuck you
jb: you’re just never happy huh
willy raggyson: Hey how come you never change your name
willy raggyson: Why do you get to be just JB
jb: youre right
jb has changed ‘jb’ to ‘perfection’
perfection: balance is restored
willy raggyson: Fake news
willy raggyson: Misinformation
perfection: jude agrees w me
perfection: right judy?
betty crocker: No.
veruca salt: ouchhh hahahaha
willy raggyson: Why is JB the only one allowed to change names
perfection: to right historical wrongs
perfection: no but seriously
perfection: it’s a metaphor for how you all just simply accept the identities you were born into
perfection: i’m the only one who desires evolution. self-improvement.
veruca salt: its bc hes the admin willem
perfection: okay so i just bought the costumes and i was gonna wait until i got home to ask yall to pay me back
perfection: but i walked past the art supply store and i saw the most gorgeous set of acrylic brushes
perfection: they were calling my name
perfection: so yall need to pay me back NOW
perfection: 👹👹👹
betty crocker: Didn’t you just recently buy acrylic brushes? I remember you talking about a set you got last week.
perfection: can’t a man have his vices
perfection: what the fuck ever willem probably doesn’t have money anyway
perfection: he never does anymore he probably spent it all at mcdonalds
perfection: meet in the room at five on saturday i need to powder willem’s face and put judys beard and everyone’s wig on
willy raggyson: Sorry, JB. I’ll get the money to you soon
willy raggyson: I’ll be there
veruca salt: how much do we owe you?
perfection: just a hundred each
veruca salt: I beg your most finest fucking pardon
veruca salt: you did not spend four hundred dollars on costumes say sike rn
veruca salt: jb you aren’t getting those brushes tell us the real amount
perfection: you guys should spoil me for once
perfection: malcolm what do you care anyway
perfection: just sell one of your tvs
veruca salt: sell that $80 hoodie you bought last month first
perfection: NO
perfection: it’s my favorite already
veruca salt: we know
veruca salt: you wore it four times last week
perfection: yes because i actually appreciate my possessions
perfection: you never use that little tv
betty crocker: You spent $80 on a hoodie? Why?
perfection: not everyone shops from the clearance bin jude
willy raggyson: JB that’s too far
willy raggyson: If you don’t apologize to Jude
willy raggyson: I’m not doing the halloween group costume.
perfection: who made you the joke police
perfection: not everyone has a stick up their ass
perfection: jude isnt offended
perfection: right?
betty crocker: Why would I be? JB’s not wrong.
veruca salt: don’t listen to him judy you look better than he ever could
willy raggyson: JB you’re being a dick
willy raggyson: Just bc Judes too polite to say anything doesn’t mean you can just say whatever you want
perfection: okay whatever
perfection: sorry jude
perfection: i’ll bring you a chick fil a lemonade to make up for it
betty crocker: That’s sweet, JB. But you really don’t need to do that.
perfection: no stfu im doing it
veruca salt: can you bring me back a peach milkshake
perfection: no
veruca salt: please
perfection: fine
perfection: now you owe me $105
veruca salt: cant you get a dear friend a peach milkshake out of the goodness of your heart
willy raggyson: Ew why would you get a peach milkshake
perfection: YOU WERE JUST TELLING ME TO BE NICE??
perfection: the hypocrisy of white men
veruca salt: willem you’re the kinda guy to get the chicken noodle soup at chick fil a
willy raggyson: As if. Not enough protein
willy raggyson: Does this body look like it was built off chicken noodle soup
perfection: you’re right
perfection: it looks like it was built off midnight 7-11 runs
perfection: oh wait
perfection: it was!
willy raggyson: Can't hear you over the flexing of these biceps
perfection: stop i’m gonna throw up
perfection: it would look a lot like mal’s peach milkshake
veruca salt: fuck you i don’t want one anymore
perfection: that’s what i thought
perfection: still owe me $105 tho
veruca salt: FOR WHAT
perfection: inconveniencing fee
veruca salt: the system is so fucked
veruca salt: this is price gouging
perfection: no this is life
perfection: nepotism cant save you now irvine
veruca salt: yk what you can watch gossip girl on your own damn tv
perfection: mal
perfection: mal please i need it to destress
veruca salt: what stress do you have be fr
perfection: idk the pressure of hundreds of years of oppression???
perfection: we’ve seen this pattern before in history
perfection: first they take away your ability to watch gossip girl. next they take away your civil rights.
perfection: where tf are you guys i thought you were back at the dorms
veruca salt: jude and i are on our way there
perfection: k hurry up
perfection: i brought your lemonade and peach milkshake
betty crocker: You really didn’t need to, but thank you JB.
betty crocker: How much do I owe you?
perfection: dw its on the house <3
veruca salt: thanks jb
perfection: not you
perfection: you still owe me tho mal
veruca salt: mf
perfection: willyyyy wya
willy raggyson: My shift's almost over I'll be there
betty crocker: I thought your shift ended at 3today? It’s nearly 6.
willy raggyson: I took on an extra shift
veruca salt: why
veruca salt: you already work such long hours are you trying to die
willy raggyson: Getting my money up not my funny up
perfection: the #grind
veruca salt: jb what would you know about the grind
perfection: more than you thats for sure
veruca salt: your mom washes your boxers
perfection: your mom washes my boxers too
betty crocker: That seems like an inefficient business model.
Boston, MA. 6:35 PM
Chat: Boyz n the Hood
willy raggyson: Sorry the bus is taking forever
willy raggyson: I should have invested in a Segway in freshman year
veruca salt: your percentage of bitches would drop drastically if you did
willy raggyson: Bitches love a Segway
willy raggyson: Nothing sexier than gliding around campus and nodding at everyone you pass because you’re not supposed to take your hands off the handlebars
willy raggyson: Are you guys trying on the costumes?
veruca salt: unfortunately
perfection: *photo attachment*
perfection: *photo attachment*
willy raggyson: Lmaooo
willy raggyson: Y’all look fucking ridiculous
veruca salt: you’re doing this with us too remember
perfection: check out jude’s beard
perfection: *photo attachment*
betty crocker: It’s really itchy.
perfection: I’m telling him that sometimes you have to suffer for your craft
willy raggyson: If it’s that uncomfortable, you don’t have to wear it
perfection: no
perfection: don’t listen to him jude you have to wear it or the world as you know it will collapse
betty crocker: I’ll wear it.
perfection: that’s my boy!!!
willy raggyson: JB you and mal look so handsome.
willy raggyson: I’m going to tear up on public transit
willy raggyson: Also do you really need to wear that much powder on your faces?? you’ve practically changed races.
perfection: god forbid a guy tries to break out of an oppressive system
veruca salt: RCTA identities are valid
betty crocker: What is RCTA?
veruca salt: race change to another
willy raggyson: Coming from you Mal I can’t even tell if you’re joking
betty crocker: You can’t change your race. That’s not scientifically possible.
perfection: race is a social construct judy 💔
veruca salt: oh god jude put his phone down and leaned back in his chair
veruca salt: they’re gonna be going at it for hours willem please save me
perfection: i just think for a guy who doesnt even know what race he is
perfection: jude sure has some strong opinions
willy raggyson: Oh JB shut the fuck up
willy raggyson: You’re TOO aware of what race you are
willy raggyson: Sorry I’m probably not allowed to say that but you know what I mean
perfection: wow
perfection: guy who doesnt know what race he is and a white guy trying to tell ME about racial identity
perfection: #best friends ever
willy raggyson: Whatever
willy raggyson: I’m almost home and I’m starving
willy raggyson: How many packs of instant ramen do we have left
veruca salt: four
willy raggyson: Does anyone else want some?
veruca salt: no and jude says no too
perfection: i’m going out to dinner with that guy from art history class
veruca salt: which one? I can’t keep track
perfection: the one w the mullet
perfection: he’s on the lacrosse team
veruca salt: oh
veruca salt: but wait i thought you hated that guy
perfection: yeah but free dinner
perfection: and the place is high end too
perfection: steak dinner here i come
willy raggyson: Greedy bitch
willy raggyson: Okay throw all four packs onto the stove for me then Mal
veruca salt: holy shit do you not work at a restaurant
willy raggyson: So what? I’m still hungry
perfection: this is the greed they talk about in the bible
betty crocker: No it isn’t.
perfection: okay sorryyyy mr catholic
betty crocker: Ex-Catholic.
betty crocker: And so are you, JB.
perfection: do i count as ex if i still go to easter service
perfection: and sometimes church on sundays
perfection: bc if i dont my grandma will get upset
willy raggyson: If you still get an Easter basket then I get it
willy raggyson: But if you don’t then that’s just pathetic
perfection: ofc i get an easter basket
perfection: grandma always makes me one
veruca salt: grown ass man
perfection: mal did you or did you not miss our group trip last spring because you were on a family vacation
veruca salt: dude what am i supposed to say
veruca salt: “fuck you mom and dad i’m not going”??
perfection: you know you want to tho
willy raggyson: In the elevator my ramen better be fucking bubbling on the stove or I’m going to see red
veruca salt: ok big dog.
perfection: shiver me timbers 🥀
willy raggyson: I’m going to be captain of the football team next year and I’ll get everyone to jump your asses
veruca salt: this is not a disney teen movie
perfection: we’re division 3 i don’t think i would walk away with a single scratch
perfection: *photo attachment*
perfection: thomas jefferson is cooking your ramen how does that feel
willy raggyson: I feel so patriotic
Boston, MA. 4:35 PM
Chat: Boyz n the Hood
perfection: willem come home NOW
perfection: we need to get ready and you can’t rush genius
perfection: you’re always working come home and hang out with your bestest friends ever
willy raggyson: Cringed reading that
willy raggyson: Heading back now
perfection: elise from down the hall is asking if she can do jude’s makeup
perfection: i told her she could do yours instead
willy raggyson: I don’t need makeup?
perfection: i know
perfection: but it’ll look funny
perfection: she said just a little mascara
willy raggyson: Every day I have to endure more trials
willy raggyson: Every day another humiliation ritual
willy raggyson: When does it end
veruca salt: you’ll be the prettiest boy in hood
willy raggyson: My sex stock is about to plummet exponentially
veruca salt: women like guys who are in touch w their feminine side
willy raggyson: I don’t want to touch my own feminine side
willy raggyson: I would prefer someone else’s
perfection: what would you know about what women like mal
veruca salt: i read it in a tabloid at the dentist
perfection: gotta be in the top 10 most bitchless sentences ive ever read
veruca salt: you’re going out with a guy with a mullet i don’t want to fucking hear it
perfection: still more than you’ve ever pulled
veruca salt: that’s not true
veruca salt: i got propositioned by a grad student at the dining hall last week
veruca salt: he was already going grey
willy raggyson: Is that why you left early
willy raggyson: I thought you were just dieting
perfection: i saw that
perfection: he wasnt a grad student mal he was a prof
willy raggyson: Yoooo
veruca salt: YOU’RE LYINGGGGG
perfection: yea i am
perfection: he was a grad student
veruca salt: JB
perfection: BUT
perfection: he is like 40 yrs old
perfection: hes one of those people who go back to school when their kids leave the house
veruca salt: oh so no chance of him being my sugar daddy then
perfection: you never know until you try
perfection: wait a second
perfection: you don’t even need one
perfection: greedy as all hell
perfection: leave it for the people who really need it
perfection: like willem
willy raggyson: I'd say ew but at this point yeah
veruca salt: sorry willem
veruca salt: if you really need money go to bruin hall around 6
veruca salt: that’s when the graduate finance classes meet
veruca salt: hang around and look miserable
veruca salt: i guarantee you’ll have at least 3 business cards within 5 min
perfection: does anyone wanna get dinner tomorrow
willy raggyson: I can’t, I have plans at 6
veruca salt: LMAOOO are you fr
perfection: get that bag king
perfection: *photo attachment*
perfection: judes got his beard attached
perfection: took more glue than we thought he has the skin of a newborn
perfection: not one pore or stubble for the beard to hang onto
perfection: jealoussss
willy raggyson: Glue??? There wasn't just a string to put it around his head?? It's glued to his SKIN?
perfection: yeah
perfection: strings ruin the illusion
perfection: i used that brown bottle i found in the filing cabinet
perfection: it’s called gorilla glue??
willy raggyson: Are you fucking serious JB his entire face is going to detach when you take it off
perfection: ofc not i used skin friendly glueperfection: you think i don’t know what kind of glue to use im literally an art student
veruca salt: that beard does NOT suit him at all he has the face of a 13 yr old lmao
perfection: i know
perfection: i was hoping for abe lincoln we got babe lincoln
perfection: the hat kinda helps i think
perfection: although hes gonna be bumping into doorways
perfection: hes already so tall and its just adding more inches
perfection: he looks too sweet to be presiding over a civil war guys this is fucking me up
willy raggyson: Send me a video of him saying “emancipation”
veruca salt: idk if he can speak
veruca salt: the beard is kinda going into his mouth
betty crocker: I’m not going to be a very good conversationalist tonight.
perfection: also we’re hiding flasks in judes hat
perfection: bc the frat is super stingy about bringing outside drinks
perfection: but they water down their own bc theyre cheap mfs
willy raggyson: are we deadass
perfection: oh do you want watery vodka on halloween night willem
perfection: i’m so sorry i didn’t know
perfection: i’ll let everyone know you like your drinks with a pH of 7
willy raggyson: Fine put the fucking flasks on our friend’s head whatever
perfection: judes fine w it so
veruca salt: jude says he can handle it
perfection: exactly
willy raggyson: You could set Jude on fire and he'd be fine w it
willy raggyson: Not exactly a high bar here
veruca salt: he’s shaking his head
veruca salt: oh now the beard is falling off
veruca salt: look what you did willem
willy raggyson: Me??? I thought JB said he used lots of glue
perfection: we’ve used a whole bottle
perfection: dibs on peeling it off his face later
veruca salt: what the fuck
perfection: it’s satisfying
betty crocker: No.
perfection: it’s MY GLUE
perfection: i should be able to do whatever i want with it
willy raggyson: It's JUDE'S face
perfection: if this doesn’t work i’m switching to duct tape
perfection: he can’tbe abe without a beard
willy raggyson: Bro i’m gonna come home and Jude’s gonna be bound and gagged in the corner
veruca salt: 🤨
perfection: ayo
willy raggyson: Human rights come before halloween costumes jb
willy raggyson: NOT what i meant
perfection: whatever you say willem…
perfection: dibs on not vacuuming the floor tonight it’s covered in powder
betty crocker: Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it.
willy raggyson: No you won’t
willy raggyson: It’s their mess
veruca salt: we’re all cleaning it up
veruca salt: you too jb
perfection: sounds like fun but unfortunately i plan to get incredibly drunk so
perfection: good luck w that
betty crocker: I don’t mind cleaning it up, really.
betty crocker: I was planning to clean the place tonight anyways.
perfection: ofc you were
willy raggyson: JB you always make a mess and then expect other people to clean it up for you
willy raggyson: We’re not going to live with you forever
willy raggyson: You’re helping tonight. Idc if you’re drunk
willy raggyson: I’ll physically cut you off if i have to
perfection: omg aggressiveeee
perfection: id love to see you try and cut me off I’ll get a drink from anywhere if i have to
willy raggyson: I know the president
willy raggyson: You’ll never get another drink from sigma chi for the rest of college
willy raggyson: Which way do you want to play this
perfection: oh my god whatever i’ll clean the stupid powder
betty crocker: Willem, don’t. It’s not a big deal.
willy raggyson: Just let me have this one pls judy
perfection: white man on a power trip fork found in kitchen
willy raggyson: Nice try invoking my white guilt isn’t gonna work this time
perfection: WHITE. GUILT????
perfection: screenshotting this
perfection: i guess you only send me your notes because education is the white man’s burden huh.
perfection: i’ll keep that in mind.
veruca salt: both of you stfu and willem hurry up and go get your makeup done we’re gonna be late
veruca salt: if we’re late they won’t let us through the doors
willy raggyson: They’ll let me in.
willy raggyson: But I'm coming
perfection: tHeYlL lEt Me iN
perfection: holy cocky you make me sick
veruca salt: jb you still have to put your wig on
perfection: willem you’re going to be shocked when you come in i look amazing
perfection: and so do mal and jude ig
willy raggyson: Oh yay, my Ben Franklin fantasy come to life
veruca salt: jude where are you
veruca salt: we’re done with willem
betty crocker: Sorry, I was in the bathroom. I’m coming back now.
willy raggyson: Everything ok? You were gone for a while
betty crocker: Yes, I’m fine. Thank you.
perfection: hes got the shits 😮💨🫡🫡🫡🥶💪💪💪
betty crocker: Definitely not.
betty crocker: Thanks for your concern, maybe?
perfection: it’s ok judy we’ve all been there
perfection: dining hall food is brutal sometimes
perfection: my advice? never eat their meatballs
perfection: they’re always undercooked
perfection: i learned that the hard way so you don’t have to
perfection: remember that time that entire segment of the hallway where the bathroom is was sectioned off with caution tape?
perfection: that was me
betty crocker: My stomach is not upset.
betty crocker: But I’ll keep that in mind.
betty crocker: I might start using the other first-floor bathroom.
perfection: nooo judy it’s a memory that we can look back upon fondly
veruca salt: there goes my appetite thanks jb
perfection: it’s okay you needed to keep it down in order to fit into your petticoat
veruca salt: no way in hell YOU of all people are talking about fitting into clothes
veruca salt: i lent you a pair of socks and they didn’t fit
veruca salt: SOCKS.
veruca salt: and im not wearing a fucking petticoat that’s a woman underskirt dumbass
willy raggyson: bigfoot
willy raggyson: change ur user to bigfoot
perfection: no
perfection: it’s not my fault mal has little ballerina feet
perfection: chinese women pre-republic of china envy him
veruca salt: that’s right i’m just genetically superior
perfection: do you really want to start this rn
veruca salt: no please
perfection: is willem getting his makeup done yet or are we wasting our halloween
veruca salt: he doesn’t really need any
willy raggyson: Aw thanks Mal
willy raggyson: But yeah I'm getting it done
willy raggyson: *photo attachment*
perfection: hawt
perfection: i’m saving this to my folder of pics of you willem
willy raggyson: Your what
perfection: yeah look at this
perfection: *photo attachment*
veruca salt: face down on the floor of the sigma chi basement is CRAZY
willy raggyson: I was tired
betty crocker: Willem, I can’t imagine how many germs are on that floor.
betty crocker: You might as well lick the stairs of the subway.
perfection: dare accepted
betty crocker: That’s not what I meant!
perfection: did you know all real bostonians lick the stairs of the back bay station as initiation into this great city
perfection: trust me i heard it somewhere
willy raggyson: Sounds legit
betty crocker: Good thing I have Andy’s number now. Seems like I might need it in the future.
veruca salt: who’s andy
betty crocker: Oh, the doctor who saw me the other night.
betty crocker: He’s a resident here; he’s ten years older than me.
perfection: oh is he chill
betty crocker: He’s very intense.
willy raggyson: Oh is he the one who keeps blowing up your phone
veruca salt: that explains so much
veruca salt: i swear that thing vibrates every five minutes i thought you owed someone money jude
betty crocker: Haha.
betty crocker: He keeps trying to get me to go back to the clinic.
betty crocker: I don’t understand why. I’m fine.
willy raggyson: A follow-up isn't a bad idea though, Jude
betty crocker: I don’t see the point of it. I’m busy enough as it is, anyway.
veruca salt: we got jb’s wig on
veruca salt: *photo attachment*
perfection: it itches :(
veruca salt: he’s trying to get out of wearing it
veruca salt: he keeps saying some stuff about enforcing white hair on a black man
veruca salt: but i told him if hes making jude wear the beard he has to wear the itchy wig
willy raggyson: Lmao
perfection: don’t laugh at a brother’s suffering
perfection: are we ready to go
veruca salt: i don’t wanna go anymore
veruca salt: i stepped out to grab some paper towels from the bathroom and marcie from suite 7 was in the hallway and started laughing at me
betty crocker: Why didn’t you just ask? I could have given you paper towels.
veruca salt: from where
betty crocker: Oh, anywhere.
betty crocker: Anyway, you look great. Ready to go?
veruca salt: yeah ig
willy raggyson: I'm ready, Phaedra put my wig on for me
perfection: hold on i'm securing the flasks under judes hat
willy raggyson: Bruh
perfection: hey hey hey come to the suite lets at least take some shots before we go
veruca salt: we’re gonna be late man
willy raggyson: i'm down
willy raggyson: We wont be late Mal i promise
Boston, MA 10:45 PM
Chat: Boyz n the Hood
veruca salt: hwereh thefuck yall at
veruca salt: iddy ou abndadon me
veruca salt: thehyrs so amny people inthis fucgin biidkkgin
betty crocker: Where are you, Mal?
veruca salt: bro thidjks hes shakeosopeare💀
perfection: *photo attachment*
perfection: willy doin a keg staaanddddd
betty crocker: Be careful.
betty crocker: When did Willem lose his wig?
perfection: ithrew upin it
betty crocker: Oh.
perfection: so now he just looks ilke a reovkutionary dick
betty crocker: It’s hard to tell what he’s supposed to be now.
betty crocker: He lost his jacket and boots a while ago.
perfection: but he still pulls it off i hate him!!!!!!
veruca salt: jude getoff your phone wt the fucntion
betty crocker: I need to keep track of all of you. What if something happens?
perfection: hes just trying ot get away from this one girl whos following him
perfection: bros scroling th e weather app rn💀
betty crocker: She keeps trying to get me to ‘do a line’ with her.
perfection: ayyy if you don wannai wil GLADYLY tke ur placee
betty crocker: Why don’t you come find me instead? I have some water and crackers for you.
perfection: jude i lvoeyou so much
willy raggyson: CACKERS
perfection: aft
perfection: aft
perfection: FAT
willy raggyson: Jude can oyu hodl my frock I'm gonna go skinyndipping in the fountina with someof the guys
perfection: waitdont get ur breeches wet. thevyere not oigng to recover
betty crocker: Don’t go skinny dipping in the fountain, you’re going to get into trouble!
betty crocker: And it’s freezing outside, you’ll catch a cold.
betty crocker: Mal, help me.
perfection: mals alredy in da fountina
betty crocker: What.
betty crocker: He just ate twenty minutes ago, he’s going to get cramps.
perfection: he ate teh lime outgt of freds beer i don thnik tht counts
perfection: *photo attachment*
perfection: mal goign for a swiiiinmmmm
betty crocker: Thanks for flashing me.
betty crocker: I can see everything. I wish I didn’t have eyes.
betty crocker: Have some decency, Mal.
betty crocker: Oh my God, how do I delete a text?
betty crocker: I’m going to send an entire proof to get that off my screen.
perfection: NO don
perfection: i alreDY feel sick if i se mahth im gonma thrwo up agan
perfection: *photo attachment*
perfection: wilme an mal look lkie merrrmaiddsss
perfection: theye shuold audtitiin fer h2O
betty crocker: JB, STOP SENDING PHOTOS.
betty crocker: WILLEM JUST FLASHED ME TOO.
betty crocker: PLEASE AT LEAST KEEP YOUR BOXERS ON.
perfection: mos ppl would jst sya thank you you lnknow
perfection: therea re lotsa girls here just wathcing
perfection: WAITTTT
perfection: Im gomna cahrge themm fivw dolars to watche
perfection: bizznizz opporrttunity
betty crocker: Don’t.
perfection: judy come joinus its so fun
betty crocker: I think I would rather die.
perfection: i thnik mal is drownign
perfection: he hasntb com up for air ina whiele
betty crocker: WHAT?
perfection: hes proably just meditaign its fine
perfection: ill check on hijm in 15 mintues
betty crocker: I’m coming over.
betty crocker: Oh my God, I’m never helping any of you again.
betty crocker: I’m glad Mal is safe, but why is fucking EVERYONE naked?
perfection: it thee baeuty of lifee judyboy
perfection: ooooooo judy SWOREEEEEE
betty crocker: I’m going back to the dorm to grab you all dry clothes.
betty crocker: I don’t want to help you pull up your breeches when you’re wet and drunk.
betty crocker: JB, I’m getting you your T-shirt with a cartoon wolf on it that says “hide your wife from the alpha”.
betty crocker: This will help you learn that your actions have consequences.
perfection: not ashhamed taht shirrt is so tuff
willy raggyson: Thnakyou Judy
willy raggyson: Cna u brinig me undrwaer I lostt mine
willy raggyson: I thnik som girl stolle it
betty crocker: God, that’s disgusting.
betty crocker: Yes, I’ll bring you underwear.
perfection: judy ur likke ouur mom
betty crocker: I’m a guy.
perfection: mhtherhood trnassends ggendr bounderis
betty crocker: I’m also two years younger than you.
perfection: ok u gto me threre
betty crocker: Are you all done swimming? I’m heading back now.
betty crocker: Please put on your clothes immediately when I come back. I don’t want to see any more.
betty crocker: I feel like I know you all too well now.
veruca salt: ifeelrh likehthre wanst muchg to hidne ingthe firsthgplace
veruca salt: jb kepeks aksgin abtou rangom mgoles on hifs backk
perfection: u woudln whant ur best frined to diee of cnacer woujd u?
betty crocker: None of us are qualified to detect cancerous moles, JB.
betty crocker: If you’re concerned, go to the campus hospital.
perfection: I don tnik im alowed thre anymoor
betty crocker: Sorry, that’s probably my fault.
perfection: no its bc i wass makign ezra pushh me aronud theh quad in onen ofjteir hwhelechairs
betty crocker: Oh.
willy raggyson: I'm feeezing :(((((((((((((((((((((((((
betty crocker: I’m on my way, Willem.
betty crocker: With dry clothes.
willy raggyson: JB rannn offf
willy raggyson: Be fre e
betty crocker: Are you joking?
betty crocker: I’m not going off to find him. He can find his own way back to the dorm.
veruca salt: butjudu whatfi he diejs ofh hyporhterima
betty crocker: …
betty crocker: Okay, fine.
betty crocker: I’ll go find JB.
Boston, MA. 12:32 PM
Chat: Boyz n the Hood
betty crocker: Hey.
betty crocker: My shift just ended, I’m on my way back.
betty crocker: How are you guys feeling?
betty crocker: Hello?
betty crocker: Guys, hello?
betty crocker: I’ve picked up more Tylenol and some Gatorades.
betty crocker: Are you three alive?
betty crocker: I hope this will be a future lesson to not drink so much.
perfection: jude shut the fuck up the buzzing is making my head split open
betty crocker: Sorry.
betty crocker: But I think this is what is commonly referred to as ‘consequences of your own actions’.
willy raggyson: JB, don’t be rude.
willy raggyson: Especially considering Jude nearly got hit by a car trying to get you out of the middle of the road
willy raggyson: But also, Jude
willy raggyson: Stop texting
betty crocker: Sorry, sorry.
veruca salt: at least our costumes ended up in the school newspaper
betty crocker: They did?
veruca salt: yeah ezra just sent me the photo of us
willy raggyson: Yeah well JB’s bare ass also ended up in the school newspaper
veruca salt: theyre allowed to print that???
willy raggyson: Our costumes ended up in the newspaper bc people are mad at us for glorifying colonialism and romanticizing slaveowners
willy raggyson: I'm never getting laid again
veruca salt: welcome to the club
willy raggyson: Mal i said ‘again’. You haven't even started.
veruca salt: oh fuck you i hope you throw up again
willy raggyson: I probably will
veruca salt: fuck
veruca salt: he did
veruca salt: its all over the floor
veruca salt: it smells so bad jude help
veruca salt: jude
veruca salt: juuuudeee please
veruca salt: judyyyy
betty crocker has muted this conversation
Chapter 6: Search History
Summary:
the boys' search histories
Chapter Text
Search History
1:23 AM - jude st francis
1:24 AM - jude st francis montana
1:25 AM - jude st francis video
1:25 AM - joey montana video
1:28 AM - state of montana personal records
1:28 AM - state of montana criminal records
1:29 AM - are montana criminal records public
1:30 AM - St. Francis of Assisi monastery south dakota
1:31 AM - south dakota st francis of assisi monastery closure
1:32 AM - Edgar Wilmot
1:33 AM - Edgar Wilmot arrest
1:33 AM - doctor washington state arrest
1:33 AM - Montana motel arrest
1:34 AM - Montana home for troubled boys
1:34 AM - Montana home for troubled boys colin
1:34 AM - montana home for troubled boys arrest
1:35 AM - montana home for troubled boys closure
1:35 AM - philadelphia kidnapping case
1:36 AM - chuck traylor arrest
1:38 AM - philadelphia eastern state penitentiary
1:40 AM - philadelphia eastern state penitentiary security
1:42 PM - philadelphia eastern state penitentiary escape rate
1:45 AM - ana sullivan obituary
1:48 AM - laurel hill east graveyard philadelphia
3:57 PM - harvard law admission requirements
4:41 PM - LSAT practice questions
6:25 PM - latest legal theory books
6:27 PM - harold stein author
6:27 PM - the american handshake the promises and failures of the declaration of independence
6:34 PM - the american handshake the promises and failures of the declaration of independence where to buy
6:37 PM - harold stein harvard law
6:37 PM - harold stein harvard law courses
8:24 PM - what is seinfeld
8:25 PM - who is rihanna
8:30 PM - what is mined craft
8:34 PM - minecraft download
8:36 PM - minecraft download free
8:38 PM - random popups on computer screen how to remove
8:40 PM - what is a computer virus
8:42 PM - can you get kicked out of college for getting a virus on a library computer
8:45 PM - how to remove computer virus
8:50 PM - computer blue screen what it means
9:52 PM - spacebarbrokenonphone
9:53 PM - howtofixspacebar
10:01 PM - what color is mac and cheese supposed to be
10:02 PM - why is mac and cheese that color
11:09 PM - keloid removal new techniques
11:10 PM - green colored bubbly pus coming out of open wound on leg what does it mean
11:11 PM - self adhesive bandages where to buy near me
11:14 PM - hot water bottle for back pain
Search History
12:44 PM - how to prepare for a play audition
12:46 PM - how to get a play part i really want
12:47 PM - look back in anger
12:49 PM - jimmy porter character analysis
2:02 AM - proof of green’s theorem
2:04 AM - proof of green’s theorem simplified for dummies
2:05 AM - how to integrate e^(x^2) by parts??
2:06 AM - calc 1340 practice questions
2:06 AM - calc 1340 practice questions solutions
2:15 AM - difference between uniform and pointwise convergence reddit
2:44 AM - final exam grade calculator
2:47 AM - will failing one class get my scholarship rescinded
2:49 AM - learn calc iii in 10 minutes youtube
11:14 PM - growth on large intestine
11:15 PM - adenocarcinoma
11:16 PM - colorectal cancer prognosis
11:17 PM - can cerebral palsy shorten life expectancy cancer
11:17 PM - health issues associated with cerebral palsy
11:19 PM - evanston regional hospital wy
11:19 PM - evanston regional hospital wy directory
11:19 PM - evanston regional hospital wy patient care quality
11:23 PM - how many hours boston to cheyenne
11:24 PM - Bus routes boston to cheyenne
11:25 PM - Logan airport boston to cheyenne
11:25 PM - Logan to cheyenne march 6 direct
11:27 PM - does full ride scholarship cover travel
11:29 PM - 17 x 5 x 5
11:32 PM - take out small personal loan college student
11:33 PM - how much can hair sell boston
11:34 PM - can i sell my hair in boston
11:36 PM - paid medical trial boston
3:40 PM - i made my gf cry how do i fix this
3:42 PM - most romantic flowers
3:43 PM - most romantic wildflowers
3:44 PM - how to say sorry to a girl
3:48 PM - how to tell if you’re getting broken up with
7:36 PM - am i a bad person
8:35 PM - life support waking up chances
8:40 PM - will my brother wake up from life support
8:45 PM - can someone on life support hear you if you talk to them
8:47 PM - can you feel pain on life support
8:50 PM - is life support peaceful
4:30 PM - i lost my brother. what now?
4:35 PM - stages of grief
4:38 PM - cancel plane ticket
4:53 PM - wyoming ranches photos
Search History
5:43 PM - how much linseed oil is too much linseed oil
5:45 PM - how to make oil paint dry faster
5:59 PM - rough green snake
6:00 PM - nearest pet shop with snakes
7:45 PM - mcdonalds near me
9:00 PM - lee lozano boycott project
9:05 PM - kinds of riddles
9:08 PM - zen koans
9:09 PM - boycott white people
9:10 PM - what is performative activism
3:24 PM - birthday gift ideas for grandma
4:05 PM - best graduate art programs
4:10 PM - successful yale art alumni
4:13 PM - how to get art in a gallery
4:15 PM - galleries near me
4:19 PM - jared feingold exhibition
4:23 PM - am i the only one who thinks jared feingolds art is ugly
4:24 PM - why do good people live such hard lives
4:35 PM - my friends are closer to each other than they are to me
4:45 PM - feeling like a third wheel in a friendship
4:56 PM - how to make friends like you more
5:02 PM - how to stop being an asshole
5:14 PM - why does it feel like my friends have secrets with each other and not me
5:16 PM - do my friends not trust me
5:24 PM - how to show my friends i care about them
Search History
3:24 PM - trinity church romanesque
3:24 PM - cambridge to copley sq
5:32 PM - national architecture firm ranking
5:35 PM - ratstar ranking
6:35 PM - 777 hz frequency for creativity
7:49 PM - central harlem demographics
7:51 PM - redlining central harlem
4:02 PM - postmodernism explained
5:48 PM - how to grow an afro
5:50 PM - black hair types
5:53 PM - can i grow an afro with 3b type hair
5:56 PM - afro care products
9:03 PM - what is wrong with me
9:04 PM - why dont girls like me
9:05 PM - when is it normal to start dating
9:06 PM - how to get a date
9:10 PM - what the hell is looksmaxxing
9:14 PM - how to looksmaxx
9:16 PM - can i still define my jawline at 19
9:18 PM - gua sha
9:19 PM - does rubbing banana peel on your face work
9:20 PM - saratoga springs water
9:25 PM - easy sports to join
9:27 PM - is ultimate frisbee cool
9:29 PM - gyms near me
9:30 PM - leg day routine beginner
1:23 AM - why does my dad like my sibling more
1:28 AM - how to make your parents proud
1:34 AM - how to stop caring what your dad thinks
1:54 AM - how to stop being a failure