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“I don’t know, Beca, are you sure that you’re ready to go to the studio? I mean, no one will be angry if you keep doing mixes and all that here.” Chloe runs her fingers through her hair and can’t help the sigh that falls from her lips, “I just don’t want you to overextend yourself.” She pauses and turns to look at Beca, “I’m worried,” she admits. “I love you.”
“I love you, too, and I am sure. I just.. well, I guess somehow leaving the apartment by myself might speed things up,” she mumbles. “I mean, it isn’t like you can come to the studio and hold my hand along the way, right?” She stops, a smirk playing at the edges of her mouth. “Can you come hold my hand all day?”
Chloe laughs lightly, “If I could..” she trails off. “Don’t you think you’d lose some of your ‘cred’ if your fiancée was always hanging around,” she pushes Beca gently on the shoulder. “I mean, I know I’m cool, but those other people...who really knows?”
Beca smiles, sliding her arms around Chloe’s waist. “I don’t care about my street cred anymore. I would rather have you hanging around than anyone else. You are such a good influence on me,” she replies.
“Oh my,” Chloe feigns a southern accent, “You really know how to sweep a lady off her feet!” Chloe leans close to Beca, hovering above her lips, she kisses her slowly, “I’m so proud of you, Bec.”
“I’m proud of me, too,” she whispers. “I never thought we would have this again, honestly.”
“I’m glad we do,” Chloe says, “I missed you so much while you were gone, and I don’t mean just rehab.” She loops her arms around Beca’s neck, “Can you believe it’s been almost a year since you were first admitted?”
Beca nods. “It’s been a hell of a year. At my NA meeting after that year point, I get this really cool silver coin. I might get it put on a chain and wear it around my neck.”
“That sounds like a great idea. Something to always remind you of what you’ve been through and where you are now on the other side of it. Especially when I can’t be with you.”
“I was thinking about getting the serenity prayer tattooed on me. Haven’t decided where yet, though,” she says, sitting down on the couch. “Not that your little tattooed freak needs more ink.”
“Oh...I don’t know,” Chloe walks smoothly over to Beca and stands in front of her, “I don’t mind the tattoos.” She straddles the other woman swiftly, “In fact,” she leans so her lips are brushing Beca’s ear, “What do you say to letting me find a good place for it?”
Beca laughs, her hands settling on the redhead’s waist. “Is that your attempt at being smooth, Ms. Beale?” she says, turning her head to place a kiss on Chloe’s neck.
Chloe leans closer, “Is it working?”
Beca slides her hands up, pushing the fabric of Chloe’s shirt up just enough to spread her fingers across the skin. “I think it is definitely working.”
Chloe nips at Beca’s ear and then trails her tongue slowly down Beca’s neck, biting softly at the pulse point, “Good.”
“Mmm,” Beca mumbles, her fingers digging into Chloe’s back, pulling her closer. “Just don’t be a tease about it.”
Chloe hisses at the motion and pulls back, her gaze darkening, “Don’t,” she kisses along Beca’s jaw, “Tell me,” her next kiss lingers on the side of Beca’s mouth, “What to do.” She presses a kiss fully on Beca’s mouth and then moves away slightly, “I’m calling the shots.”
Beca smirks, letting her hands fall to her sides. “If you are calling the shots, then lead the way.”
Chloe chuckles softly as she lets her gaze follow the lines of Beca’s face. “Well, I’m thinking we should keep your face clear,” she leans forward again and kisses Beca on the cheek, “It is such a good face after all.” Her finger trails down Beca’s neck and across her collarbone, “Now what about the rest of you.”
Beca’s breath hitches, fighting the urge to run her fingers through Chloe’s hair. “I would say take your time, but if you go too slow, I think I might combust,” she mumbles, gripping the edge of the couch cushions in her hands.
Chloe giggles, “We wouldn’t want that.” She follows the trail of her finger with her mouth leaving behind goosebumps as she travels farther south. She removes her hands from Beca’s skin to start working on the buttons of Beca’s shirt. She swears softly as she fumbles, “Beca?” She blushes at the sound of her voice, a slight whine present, “Can you help me?”
Beca reaches her hands up, easily undoing the buttons of her own shirt, keeping her eyes locked on Chloe. “Am I going to have to unhook my own bra, too?” she teases, smile on her face.
“Huh?” Chloe looks up from where her gaze had been fixated on Beca’s chest.
“I feel I might lose the ability to hold a conversation with you if my bra were to be removed,” she says, leaning forward, sliding the shirt off before stretching her arms behind her back to unhook the bra. “That is as much help as you get.”
Chloe’s eyes widen as Beca moves slightly, “Yes, I think that’ll do just nicely.” Chloe licks her lips and pauses, thinking for a moment. She looks up and meets Beca’s gaze, “Are you okay with this right now? Let me know if it gets to be too much and we need to stop.”
Beca places her hands on either side of Chloe’s face, pulling her close and kissing her softly. “Chloe, I want this.. we need this.. I promise you that I am okay with this right now, okay? I love you.”
“Okay,” Chloe nods and kisses her soundly, capturing Beca’s lips in her mouth and sucking on it. She presses her body against Beca’s groaning when she remembers that she is still fully clothed. She leans back slightly, “Too many clothes,” she says as she pulls her sweater off and throws it somewhere behind her, “Need to be closer to you.”
“Definitely not opposed to that,” she replies, running her fingers up Chloe’s sides and down over her stomach. She leans forward, placing a trail of kisses from her neck to the valley between her breasts. “I’ve missed this.”
Chloe arches into Beca’s touch, “Me too.” Chloe gets off Beca slightly so she can push Beca so she’s laying down on the couch instead of sitting up. She smirks as she looks at Beca, her breath heaving. She places kisses on Beca’s stomach and starts moving up slowly, she lingers next to Beca’s right breast, “How much do you want this?”
“Please,” Beca whines, kicking herself for sounding so needy. It took everything in her to fight down the thoughts in her head that were threatening to ruin the moment. How Chloe had been waiting so long for this, and she had almost messed everything up. She takes a deep breath, bringing her hands up and tangling them in Chloe’s hair.
Chloe looks up and watches Beca closely, seeing her nod before she lowers her mouth on the erect nipple. She lavishes attention on it as she moves her hand to play with the other one. She grins when she hears Beca’s soft moan.
“Fuck, Chloe,” Beca almost growls. Her back arches off the couch, her grip in Chloe’s hair tightening as she rolled her hips against the redhead.
Chloe released the nipple and quickly moved to Beca’s other breast. Her hands moved up Beca’s side, fingers tickling slightly as she tried to find purchase on Beca’s skin.
“You are such a fucking tease,” she mumbles.
Chloe’s mouth lets go of the other nipple and she sucks on the swell of Beca’s breast lightly, “The better to teach you with, Beca.” She grins again when she hears Beca’s breath hitch. Her right hand moves down to rest on the button of Beca’s jeans, she pauses, one hand rolling a nipple slowly, “Did those other women ever make you feel like this, Beca?” She unbuttons the jeans with a flick of her wrist and unzips them slowly, “Make you feel so alive?”
Before she registers what she is doing, Beca pushes Chloe off of her roughly and stands up. “What?! Why would you fucking ask that?!” she snaps.
Suddenly all Chloe feels is shame, “I--” she stutters and swallows hard, “I don’t know what came over me.”
“An amazing case of stupidity, apparently!” She grabs her shirt from the floor, throwing it on and buttoning it quickly before looking at Chloe again. “I am going to go work on some mixes,” she says, her voice quiet. She starts walking towards the hallway, her eyes locked on the floor.
Chloe’s eyes fill with tears as she buries her face in her hands, “Fuck!”
Beca stops at the door to her computer room, turning to look at her fiancée. She bites down on her lip, hand resting on the door handle. Sighing, she walks back over to Chloe and wraps her arms around her waist. “Please don’t cry,” she whispers.
Chloe tightens her grip on Beca and buries her face in the crook of Beca’s neck, taking a deep breath. Her tears fall hard and fast, “I’m so sorry,” she says, breath speeding up to the point where she knows she needs to calm down or else she’ll hyperventilate.
Beca walks them towards the bedroom, keeping her arms around Chloe. “I feel on some level I deserved that statement.” She watches Chloe climb into the bed before she follows, pulling the blankets around them.
Chloe moves as close to Beca as is possible before resting her head on Beca’s chest. Focusing on the smooth motion of up and down, Chloe takes a deep breath, “You really didn’t, Beca. Definitely not then. And I’m sorry.” Chloe lifts her head slightly so she can see Beca’s eyes, “I was just so angry and hurt, and I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I didn’t. And I should have.”
“You aren’t the only one to blame, Chloe. I came home and we just.. we pushed it away. We never actually talked about it. It isn’t like I don’t remember any of it. That is my problem. I remember every single detail of it and how much it hurt me and I never really stopped to consider how much it was hurting you,” she says, keeping her eyes locked on Chloe’s. “Tell me how you feel about it, and be honest. Don’t hold back and don’t sugar coat it. I am not going to storm off if I hear something I don’t like.”
Chloe sits up and wraps her arms around her legs, thinking for a couple minutes before speaking, she can feel Beca start to get antsy next to her, “It fucking hurt.” She closes her eyes and tries to just speak what she feels, “It felt like not only was I losing you because of drugs and alcohol but that I wasn’t enough for you. Enough for us.” She pauses and tries to keep her voice level, “I could have lived without ever having sex again if that’s what you wanted, but you went to someone else for what I would have given you..more than one other person.” Chloe can feel the prick of tears again and curses silently wishing she had more strength, “It felt like you didn’t need me anymore and that was the worst. It was like I was just used up and old and you needed something newer.” Chloe looks at Beca then, catching her gaze, “I need you to promise me something, Beca.”
“Anything,” Beca whispers, sitting up. She keeps her eyes on the redhead, one hand starting to rub small circles on the womans back.
“Promise me you’ll never tell me what you and those women did. I don’t want to know.”
Beca nods. “I won’t. I promise,” she says. “What I am going to do, though, and I will keep it away from you.. I have to write it down.. I have to get it out of my head, because then maybe it could leave me alone. Does that make sense?”
Chloe nods, “Burn it. Scrapbook it. Whatever you need. I just don’t want to know what happened because then I won’t be able to stop thinking about it. And I want to be able to touch you without thinking of them touching you.”
Beca stays silent for a moment, her hand still on Chloe’s back. “Do you think I am ready to officially go back to work?”
“I’m not sure, Bec. Do you feel like you need to go back? Like something is calling you to the studio?”
“I feel like my fans deserve something official. I’ve been mixing and releasing the tracks for download for two months, but they have been there for me through everything and I feel like I owe them, you know? They are part of this support system. I check the boards every single day, and the messages of encouragement.. Chloe, there are some who got help for their own problems once word broke that I was in rehab.” She bites on her lower lip. “I never thought I would be so.. influential.”
Chloe takes Beca’s hand in her own and squeezes it, “Then do it for them, Bec, but also for you, okay? It needs to be for you too.”
“I am almost positive it would be for me just as much as them. From my heart. The music might end up being different from what I started out with, but I think it will be closer to my new mixes. Something fresh and special and new.. it signifies a new beginning.”
Chloe smiles softly and kisses Beca lightly, “Then that’s what you should do. You have my support one hundred percent.”
Beca rests her head on Chloe’s shoulder. “We need to make sure we keep this up. I almost stormed out and blocked everything, but instead I went to you. And we talked. We need to learn to talk, right? That is part of rebuilding this relationship.” She remains silent for a moment. “Have I ever told you what an open meeting is, in relation to NA and AA?” she asks.
Chloe shakes her head, “No, you haven’t.”
“So, most of the time, meetings are for the people who need them. Open meetings are held once a week, mostly on Saturdays, and they are for the friends and family of the people in recovery. It runs just like a normal meeting, but there is also a potluck dinner and the outsiders get a glimpse into the world of recovering drug addicts and alcoholics. There is one for my AA group this afternoon. I was wondering.. would you want to go?”
Chloe can’t help the smile that breaks out, “I think that sounds like a great idea. But I have one question.”
“You always seem to have one question,” she smirks. “What is it?”
“Can I wear heels?”
Beca lets out a laugh. “Yes, Chloe, you can wear heels, if you do choose.”
“Awesome.” Chloe pulls Beca down on top of her, “Then let’s just lay here until we have to get ready.”
“Sounds like an amazing plan,” she mumbles.
----------
“Ms. Beale? Do we have to share our crayons?”
The young voice of one of her students breaks Chloe from her thoughts. “Yes, Michael, we have to share. Remember, sharing makes playtime and coloring time more fun.”
The little boy nods and runs back to his table nearly tripping over a chair as she sends out a warning, “No running in the classroom!”
She sighs and walks back to her desk, taking a seat and surveying the small room. There are four large circular tables with five chairs at each. She has 17 students in total and couldn’t be happier. She makes a few marks on her lesson plan and looks at the clock. She can’t help but wonder how Beca is doing right now, if she’s already in the studio or still at home, opting to wait a few hours before leaving for work.
Smiling softly she calls attention from her class, “Alright everyone, please put your work away and gather on the circle rug, it’s time to read a book.”
She laughs as she hears a chorus of cheers and walks over to the corner of the room, picking up the book she had planned on reading for the day and situating herself in the chair facing her pupils. “Today we’re going to be reading “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” by Laura Numeroff.” She begins to read, making sure to show the illustrations as she goes. She laughs when the children laugh and she notices the ones that seem particularly enthralled with the story. She finishes the book and with a flourish closes it and sets it down.
“Now,” she says, smiling at everyone, “Who can tell me what animal they would be if they were in Mouse’s place? And, more importantly, what would you want to eat?” She laughs as their hands shoot up, “Okay, keep those ideas in your head because you’re all going to write a story to share with your parents tonight. Go back to your seats and start drawing, our parent helpers are going to be around to help you with your stories.”
Chloe watches them all file back to their respective tables and gives some quick instructions to the parent volunteers before heading back to her desk, by her calculations, and the text she received from Beca thirty minutes ago, Beca has been at the studio for just over two hours now.
-------
Beca sits back in the chair, staring at the soundboard in front of her. “What’s on your mind, oh great one?” Issac said, smirking at the brunette. “But, seriously, you look like you are trying to solve the most important question in the universe.”
“Nothing to solve there. We all know the answer is forty two,” she quips, turning her chair towards him. “I have this melody in my head, and some lyrics for it, but I am trying to think of ways to get my fiancée to sing it.”
“Branching out into songwriting now?”
“Thinking about it. Might give it a test run with this track. I was telling Chloe the other day that I want to give the fans something special. My old music.. it is tainted, to me. I was so fucked up when I made it, and I was in a really bad place. I want to make this.. to show I am better.”
Issac was silent for a moment. “Are you better? You’ve been on edge all day.”
Beca nods.
“I am going to go grab some food. Want anything?”
“I’m good. See you in a bit.” She watches him leave before closing her eyes, fighting the feeling in the pit of her stomach. She thought she had been ready to come back, but being in the confined space again was causing her head to spin. She needs some sort of fix. Digging her phone out of her pocket, she takes a few steadying breaths before hovering her thumb over Jools name. She knows if Chloe found out about the woman still being in her phone, she would flip out, but she hadn’t cleared any contacts. She is about to press down when the phone buzzes. “Chloe,” she whispers, quickly accessing her text messages. I love you. It was simple, but it is what she needed. Jotting a note down for Issac, she jumps up and grabs her bag before taking off, running the four blocks to the church she had found herself in so many times. The meeting is in the milling around stage just before the start when she enters, easily finding a spot at a table in the back.
She watches as everyone settles in, slinking down in her chair as she joins in the chorus of, “God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” When the floor opens for stories, her hand shoots up. Standing slowly, she takes a deep breath. “Hi, I’m Beca, and I am a recovering cocaine user.” She nods awkwardly through the chant of a greeting. “I’ve been clean for ten months now, after overdosing. I spent eight months in rehab, and have been home for two months. By the way some of you are looking at me, the anonymous part of this meeting clearly doesn’t apply.”
She looks around, taking another deep breath to steady herself.
“I try to stay silent at these meetings, but today.. today I need to talk. I went back to work, officially, for the first time this morning. It was my first time stepping into a recording studio since before my overdose. I had spent the weekend convincing myself and my fiancée that I was ready to go back to work, so I strode in with a sense of confidence. I had been making mixes and releasing them independently through my message boards for a while, but I was itching to get back to real music. I was having a rough moment, and I almost called my old dealer, but in that moment, I received a text from my fiancée, telling me that she loved me. I don’t know what to attribute that to, but it suddenly clicked that instead of trying to get high, it was better that I come here.”
She sits back down, focusing more on her hands than anything else in the room. The hour seemed to pass by in a blur, because before she knew it, they were all standing for the closing prayer. She bows her head, silently repeating Chloe’s name over and over until she mutters the word amen and leaves, starting her walk back to the studio.
-----
Chloe can feel her voice raising, “You know I can’t have children, Beca! What’s so wrong with you considering carrying them for us? You know we can’t adopt because of your drug use. What am I supposed to say? That it’s okay we won’t ever have children? I look at all the kids in my class and I want one just like them. They’re so young and innocent and they love you no matter what.”
Beca sighs, rolling her eyes. “Chloe, you wouldn’t understand my logic behind it, okay?”
“Try me.” Chloe bites out.
Beca sits down on the couch, crossing her arms over her chest. “Look, we both know that I used.. hard, right? My chances of a miscarriage have gone up exponentially because of that. I would rather see you suffer through never having a child than me getting pregnant and losing it. I couldn’t take seeing you like that.”
Chloe sighs, loud and hard, it had been difficult at times to live with Beca while she was making it to a year of being clean, but Chloe stuck by her side. Now, Chloe feels as if it’s a good time to start thinking about starting a family, the wedding is in less than a year and Chloe wants everything in their lives to be perfect. She looks at Beca and sees the silver coin glinting from her neck, “I want us to be a family, Beca. I’ve always wanted that.”
“What’s so bad about just you and I, Chloe? We don’t need a child to be a family,” she whispers, looking up at the redhead.
“Maybe it sounds stupid, Beca, but I’ve always known that I am supposed to be a mom. It’s not enough to be a school mom to my students. I want one of my own.”
“Well, clearly, I act like a child, so there you go,” she snaps, leaning back.
“Don’t be like that, Beca, don’t fucking be like that.”
“Don’t be like what? Honest? I thought that is what you wanted, Chloe! Honesty! I don’t want to have a child. I am fucked up enough as it is, can you imagine what would happen to any child I had a hand in raising?”
“Do you really think that, Beca? That you’d fuck it up?”
Beca remains silent, refusing to look at Chloe.
“Fine. If you’re going to act like a child, then I’ll treat you like one.” Chloe moves to the closet and grabs her purse and jacket. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“Wow, I get to be left home alone all day, Mom?” Beca asks, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
“Grow up, Beca.”
“Why would I want to go and do such a thing like that, Chloe? Why would I ever want to become an actual adult. Acting like a childish little bitch is so much easier!” she yells. “See you whenever you get home.”
“I can’t deal with you right now, I’m going to be late. Don’t do anything stupid.” Chloe slams the door behind her and cringes at the sound, too late to take it back, she needs to get to the school.
Beca sits on the couch for almost ten minutes before she takes her phone out of her pocket, easily dialing Jools. “Hey, it’s Beca. Yeah, I know, long time, no talk. Look, can you swing by with some blow? Don’t ask fucking questions. Yeah, I have the cash.” She ends the call, tossing her phone onto the table. Chloe wanted a family, Beca didn’t. That was going to be the end of it for them, and if Chloe didn’t want to deal with her, then she didn’t want to deal with herself.
It’s almost noon when there is finally a knock on the door. Beca gets up, opening the door and shoving a hundred dollar bill at Jools, taking the bag from her. “Want company?”
“No,” she snaps, waving the woman off before slamming the door. It takes her fifteen minutes to find a sharp enough item to set up the lines with, and before she knows it, she is floating away. The silver coin sits cold around her neck, slightly dragging her back to reality. She reaches for it, ripping the chain easily as she pulls it off, tossing it across the room. Leaning forward, she inhales another line, completely oblivious to the front door opening behind her.
“Oh my god! Beca?” Chloe freezes in the doorway after spotting Beca leaning over the table inhaling white powder. She notices the silver coin on the ground as if it had been flung off. Chloe crosses the short distance to where Beca is and yanks her away from the table. “What did you do, Beca?” Tears fill Chloe’s eyes, “What did you do?”
Beca stammers for a moment, slightly pissed that she had been interrupted. She looks up, her eyes meeting Chloe’s. “You came back home,” she mumbles, seeming genuinely shocked at the redhead’s presence.
“Of course I came back home, Beca.” Chloe runs her fingers through Beca’s hair, “I love you. And one stupid argument isn’t going to change that.” She looks at Beca closely, “Beca, what am I supposed to do? I don’t know what to do.”
Still in her haze, Beca keeps her eyes on Chloe. “You want a baby, I don’t. I didn’t think you wanted me.”
“Oh, Bec. A baby isn’t anything if I don’t have you.” Chloe can feel the tears start to fall, “I’m so scared, Beca. I don’t want to lose you again.”
Beca finally looks at the table, sticking her foot out and trying to kick it away. She scrambles forward, pushing the powder from the glass surface, watching it fall to the floor. “I’m so stupid!” she yells, tears finally forming in her eyes. “So fucking stupid!”
Chloe grabs Beca’s hands before she can do any damage to herself or anything around them, “Listen to me, Beca, you made a mistake, okay? A mistake and that’s okay. We learn from mistakes.” Chloe pulls Beca closer, “Just tell me that was the first time and I’ll believe you, we can get past this, okay? We can get past this.”
Beca curls into Chloe, holding her tightly. “It was. I just.. you left.. and you were so angry.. so I called Jools and I had her bring it by and I just.. Chloe, I thought I lost you, and I didn’t care what happened to me. I.. if you hadn’t come home, I would have done it all. And then I would have just gone and gotten in bed and let it happen.”
Chloe tries to keep her sob from sounding, to no avail, “Oh god, oh god.”
“You always seem to save me,” she whispers, burying her face in Chloe’s neck.
“What if I had been too late, Beca? You’re not allowed to do this to me. I can’t lose you. I can’t.”
“Then why did you find it so easy to walk out in the middle of a fight?”
Chloe pulls back from Beca quickly, “I was going to be late to school. I couldn’t leave those kids without supervision. If I’m late then who knows what might happen to them. If a kid ran off or was taken, it would be on me and the school. I didn’t want to leave like that, Beca, but those kids are important too.” She wipes her face, “I didn’t realize how much the fight shook you, I had no idea--”
Beca sits up, pulling away to look Chloe in the eyes. “I make enough money that you don’t have to work, Chloe. Just.. stay with me. Protect me from myself.”
“You know I can’t just quit my job, I love working with kids.” Chloe rests her hand on Beca’s, “And if we don’t have kids then I want to be able to shape someone’s life at that age. Beca, you are a grown woman who, admittedly, has some issues to work through, but you don’t need me to hover all the time. I see it with those helicopter parents at school, it never helps the kid, just makes it worse. We just need to get you better coping techniques. And maybe someone to call if you get the urge again. I mean if you can’t call me, okay? We can get through this.”
Beca looks around the room, her gaze settling on the silver coin. “I fucked it up, Chloe. One year of hard work, and I fucked it up in less than five hours.”
“So you’ll just work hard to get to that second one year. I have faith in you, Bec, I know you can do it because you did it before.”
Beca slowly nods, wiping her eyes. “I need to clean this all up.. then I just want to go to sleep..”
“I can help,” Chloe stands, “I’ll get the vacuum cleaner.”
Beca nods, watching Chloe get up. She crawls over to the coin, picking it up and turning it over in her fingers. “Better coping techniques,” she mumbles, leaning her head against the wall. “I don’t know what would be a better fucking coping technique!” she yells, slamming her head against the wall a few times.
Chloe rushes back into the room and grabs a hold of Beca, “Stop it! Just stop it!” She holds tight to the other woman, forcing her to stop her destructive movements.
“Do you even know what you are in for, Chloe? Have you thought this through? If this happened today, it could happen again. There are plenty of triggers out there. What happens if I ever go back out on the road?” she snaps, trying to force her way out of Chloe’s grasp.
“No, I’m not letting you go so easily, Beca.” Chloe forces Beca to look at her, “There are triggers out there but there are ways to deal with them. You were doing so well, you can do that again. You are not weak. Do you hear me? You are not weak.”
Beca shakes her head. “I am, though. I’ve fallen down to so many things in my life that I could have just stood up to. You think I am only talking about cocaine? What I start drinking again? What if.. what if I cheat on you again, Chloe?”
“Do you think you’re the only person struggling with this, Beca? There are so many people going through this exact thing right now. That’s why you go to those meetings. You can’t keep living in these what if situations, they will tear you apart.” Chloe wipes the angry tears from Beca’s cheeks with her thumbs gently, “I love you. I love you. I love you. And I’m not going anywhere.”
“I just want you to be sure that you want to marry me,” she says, her voice calmer than before.
“If you’ll still have me, of course I want to marry you. That’s all I want, Bec.”
“I never want to be without you. You saw today what the thought of being without you does to me,” she whispers. She stares off into the distance for a moment before shaking her head. “Can I go to sleep yet?”
“A couple more things before you do,” Chloe looks up almost asking for the strength to continue, “Who did you get the drugs from?”
“Jools. Her number is in my phone. She’s been my dealer since I started.”
“First I want you to delete her number. Then I want you to delete any number from that time in your life, anyone who wasn’t a good influence. Then tomorrow, we’re going to see about getting you a new number.”
Beca moves to the table, grabbing her phone and returning to her spot by Chloe. She turns her phone so the redhead can also see the screen as she carefully deletes no less than thirty numbers from the phone’s memory. “There.”
“Thank you.” Chloe reaches for Beca and draws her into a hug. “Now go to bed, I’ll clean this up and then bring you some tea, okay?”
Beca nods, slowly standing up, pulling Chloe with her. She leans up, pressing their lips together, staying still for just a moment longer than she usually would before pulling back. “I love you.” She moves around Chloe, heading down the hall and slowly stripping out of her clothes before climbing into the bed.
“I love you too,” Chloe calls after her before focusing on the task at hand. She grabs the vacuum and plugs it into the wall, turning it on and vacuuming up the remnants of the cocaine on the floor. She sighs and turns it off once she’s sure the floor is clear and puts it away before heading into the kitchen and wetting a rag. She goes back to the table and wipes it down, moving the table back to it’s original position. She pauses to fluff the pillows on the couch and then goes to the kitchen to start water boiling. She pulls down two mugs and waits silently for the shrill whistle. She pours the water against the tea bags and brings both mugs to the bedroom. The light is off and she sets the mugs down on the nightstands. She crawls into the bed and wraps her arms around the smaller woman who whimpers and draws her close. “Oh Beca, what are we going to do with you?” She sighs quietly and kisses Beca on the top of the head. They have a long road ahead of them.
-----
Somehow both Beca and Chloe manage to fall asleep and Chloe wakes up suddenly, unable to move because Beca has her almost in a chokehold. “Bec,” Chloe tries to pry herself from the other woman grasp slowly, “Beca, wake up, it’s almost 7.”
Chloe looks at the other woman who is slowly rousing herself. Chloe leans down and kisses Beca softly, “Hi there, how are you feeling today?”
Beca grumbles and tries to bury her face in the covers, “‘m hungry,” she says finally letting out a long breath.
Chloe traces the lines of Beca’s chin softly, “I’ll make us some breakfast, okay? Why don’t you hop in the shower while I do that.”
Beca meets Chloe’s gaze and melts a little under the warmth she finds there, “Okay.” She hefts herself up and away from Chloe’s embrace, grimacing at the taste she finds in her mouth. She suddenly feels nauseous. Stumbling to the bathroom she leans over the toilet and empties the feeble contents of her stomach in the bowl.
Chloe watches Beca rush forward and follows her closely, she rests her hand on Beca’s back, smoothing worries from her skin, “Just let it all out, Beca, it’s okay.” She sweeps Beca’s hair from her face and grabs something to tie it back. When she sees that Beca appears to be done she wordlessly moves Beca away from the toilet and flushes it. She puts the lid down and guides Beca to sit on it. She grabs one of the cups on the counter and fills it with cool water, “Here, drink some of this.” She hands it to Beca.
Beca accepts it gratefully, taking a large drink. She gags on it.
“Slowly, Beca. Slowly.” Chloe continues rubbing Beca’s back as the other woman slowly drinks the water.
Beca nods to Chloe, thanking her before reaching for her toothbrush and some toothpaste. She tries to brush the taste of sick from her mouth.
Chloe kisses the top of Beca’s head and walks over to the shower, turning it on and checking the temperature. She looks back at Beca who has stood and is now spitting in the sink. She walks back, “How are you feeling?”
“A lot better,” Beca admits. “I think I needed that.”
Chloe smiles faintly, “Now let’s get you in the shower.” She reaches for Beca who leans into her. She takes off the shirt and then pulls down Beca’s pajama pants and underwear. She kisses Beca on the cheek and leads her to where the shower is already beginning to heat up the room. “There you go, Beca.”
Beca looks unsure, watching Chloe closely, “Help me?” She says finally, looking down to the floor, her legs bare and starting to prickle with cold.
“Sure,” Chloe says and strips down herself, taking Beca’s hand and leading her under the water, shutting the door behind them. She washes Beca’s hair and body slowly before moving to wash herself.
“Let me,” Beca says capturing Chloe’s hands before they can reach for the shampoo. Chloe sighs into Beca as she feels small hands tangle their way through her hair, gently massaging her head. Beca tips Chloe back to rinse her hair and then brings her up slowly.
Chloe’s eyes open slowly when she feels herself righted, “Hi,” she breathes, eyes locking with Beca’s instantly.
“Hi,” Beca responds before leaning forward and meeting Chloe’s lips with her own. She kisses her lightly, about to break away before Chloe wraps her arms around Beca and keeps her from moving.
Kissing her firmly, Chloe begins to explore Beca’s mouth with her tongue, sliding it against Beca’s. Offhandedly Chloe thanks Beca in her mind for having the foresight to brush her teeth. Chloe finally comes to herself and step back from Beca who whimpers at the loss of Chloe’s presence. Chloe smiles and kisses Beca again, pulling back she winks, “I think it’s time to get out, we’re a little pruny.”
Beca groans but nods and watches as Chloe quickly washes her body and turns off the water. “If you’re sure.”
Chloe laughs and reaches for a towel, wrapping it around Beca, “I’m sure. And we still need to eat and I need to call my principal.”
Beca grabs another towel and starts drying her hair, “Why do you need to call your principal?”
Chloe pats herself dry and hangs the towel, walking into their bedroom completely naked, “I need to make sure it’s okay for you to come to school with me today.” She opens their closet door and begins pulling out outfits for both of them.
“What?” Beca stands in the doorway of their bedroom, “Do you really think I should be around children right now?”
Chloe looks back at her, appreciating the view before responding, “I don’t think you’re a threat to them, if that’s what you mean. And I know you’re not going to get them sick just because you threw up today, I know that had everything to do with yesterday and not having the flu or something. Plus, I think you need to be around people who won’t judge you today. And who better than me and a bunch of five and six year olds?”
Beca can’t help the laugh that bursts forth, “You’re crazy, you know?”
“Yeah,” Chloe steps into her skirt and zips it partway, slowly buttoning her blouse, “But you love me.” She grins back at Beca and motions to the bed, “You should get changed.”
Beca nods and heads back into the bathroom to dry her hair, “I’ll be out in ten minutes or so.”
Chloe finishes getting dressed and heads into the kitchen, starting some water in a pot to make oatmeal for breakfast. She grabs her phone and dials the school, “Mr. Hendricks? It’s Chloe Beale.” She says after she hears the click, knowing that the receptionists won’t be in yet and the principal was almost always there early.
“Ah, Ms. Beale, to what do I owe the pleasure? Not sick are you?”
“No,” she laughs, “I was wondering if it was alright that I bring my fiancée to class today. She needs to have a break from work and I think it might do the kids, and her, some good to sing a few songs during music time.”
“Well,” he responds, “I think that sounds fine to me. We’d love to have her.”
“Great! Thank you, Mr. Hendricks, I just wanted to clear it with you first.”
“Well, we’ll see you in not too long, Ms. Beale,” he pauses, “And Ms. Beale?”
“Yes, Mr. Hendricks?”
“You should bring your fiancée to lunch today after your classes let out.”
“Maybe another time, Mr. Hendricks, she has a meeting to go to afterwards, but I we can set up lunch maybe next week?”
“Sounds wonderful, I’ll see you then.”
“Goodbye, Mr. Hendricks.”
“Goodbye.”
Chloe jumps slightly when arms wrap around her waist, “Mmm, hi, babe. You’re coming to school with me.”
Beca chuckles, “So I heard.” She places a kiss on Chloe’s shoulder and then moves to take the oatmeal off the stove, hearing the timer beep. “So what is this about a meeting that I’m going to after school today?”
“Well,” Chloe takes out bowls and spoons, “I figured that you should probably go to a NA meeting after what happened last night. I can drop you off after school and then pick you up. After we can go get groceries. How does that sound?”
Beca nods and grabs the cinnamon, “It sounds good.”
-----
“Everyone?” Chloe addresses her class, “This is Beca and she’s going to be helping us today, so I want you to be very nice to her. If you’re good, I’m sure she would be happy to read to you.” Chloe smiles brightly at the class, “And if you’re extra good, we might be able to convince her to sing for us.” The class cheers and hurry to their seats, ready to start the math lesson. Chloe grins at Beca, “See? They love you already.”
Beca scoffs lightly, not meanly, “They like you because you bribe them.”
“Reward them for good behaviour, Beca, there’s a difference.” Chloe winks at the woman and addresses the class again, “Okay, who can tell me what we learned yesterday?”
-----
“That was actually a lot of fun,” Beca says as Chloe guides them to her car.
Chloe laughs and grabs Beca’s hand, squeezing it and then linking their fingers together, “I told you they would love you.”
“You did. And you were right.” Beca pulls them to the side of the parking lot, away from the main drive, “I love you.” She kisses Chloe lightly and then tugs her toward their car.
“I love you too, Beca.”
-----
Chloe is getting ready to leave the parking lot of the church when Beca knocks on the window, “Wait!” Chloe rolls down the window, “I’m pretty sure they have what they call an al-anon meeting at the same time as mine.”
Chloe turns off the car, and gets out, “What is that?”
“It’s where the friends and family of recovering addicts can go and talk about their experiences being with addicts and all that goes with it. You don’t have to go, but it might be nice to have some people to talk to that know what you’re going through.”
Chloe nods and walks around the car to meet Beca, taking her hand she walks toward the church, “Let’s go then.”
-----
Chloe looks around the room, it was not dissimilar from any other room but the vibe was quite different. She takes a seat around the circle and watches for cues to prompt her of what to do. After listening to a couple people talk she gathers her courage and stands, “Hi, my name is Chloe, and my fiancée is a recovering cocaine addict.”
She smiles when she hears their greeting, and almost laughs at how much she feels like she’s in a movie. “So,” she starts, finding her thoughts, “My fiancée and I have been together for five years in total and it was, I guess two years or so now, that she first started using. She,” Chloe pauses, her voice catching, “She was feeling a lot of pressure from all sides and, because of her job, had easy access to drugs, alcohol, and other,” Chloe stutters, “Women.” She looks around the group and sees faces looking at her with complete understanding and comprehension.
She continues, “Soon, she was sleeping around and was almost always high. I didn’t know what to do. When it began she was away from me for her job and was missing me. I know it’s not an excuse but that’s one reason she gave for why she started.” Chloe twists the ring around her finger, “After five or six months I got fed up with it and told her I couldn’t be part of her life like that if she didn’t care enough about our relationship or her body to respect the life that we had made. I called my m-mother and then my best friend and they urged me to do what I thought was best for me. I packed up my things and moved out that very night. My best friend went back to our apartment to pick up the last of my things and I thank God everyday that she did because she found my fiancée while she was overdosing and took her to the hospital.” Chloe stops to take a breath, running her fingers through her hair.
“She went to rehab after that and was out in eight months. She just made it to a year of sobriety when a stupid argument sent her back to her dealer. I found her yesterday on our living room floor with lines on our glass table. I guess I had hoped, foolishly, that she would never relapse and I wouldn’t have to go through that again, but I know it’s something she has to go through every single day.” Chloe’s hands are shaking and she tries to calm her speeding heart, “I cleaned her up and put her to bed, promising that everything would be okay and everything will work out. But sometimes I don’t know, I just don’t know.” Chloe finishes and sits down, clenching her fists, trying to stop the shaking.
She jumps slightly when she feels a cool hand on her own, a man, not too older than herself, squeezes her hand and nods, “You did good, Chloe. You’ve done good.”
She nods back and grabs hold of his hand, squeezing back, tears falling down her cheeks. “Thanks.”
-----
Beca leans against the wall, watching Chloe walk towards her from the room. “How did it go?” she asks, her arms sliding around the redhead’s waist.
“I,” Chloe shakes her head clearing her thoughts, “I think I needed that, but it was really hard.”
“I felt like I was going to throw up the first time I spoke at a meeting, Chloe. You don’t have to go to another one, but I figured it might help you out to go to that one. I mean, to be able to tell your story to people who understand. Maybe not on the same level as you, but.. I don’t know. I forgot where I was going with this little speech,” she says, smirking. “How about we go home and finish what we started in the shower this morning.”
“Tell you what, Bec, you go to the grocery store with me and help me put the groceries away and you can have me where ever you want.”
“Where ever?” she asks, the smile spreading across her face. “And all I have to do is put up with a grocery store and then putting things away? No other catches?”
“Make me feel loved. That’s it. And no carpet, okay? Because carpet burn sucks.”
“Oh, there will be no carpet. I have something I have been wanting to do for a while now, actually.”
“Oh really?” Chloe sweeps her finger across Beca’s lips, hissing when Beca nips at it, “Tell me more.”
“No way. It’s a surprise,” she says. She pulls Chloe closer. “I think we should get out of here before we get arrested for public indecency in a church.”
“We wouldn’t want that, now would we?” Chloe laughs kissing Beca fully.
Beca can’t stop herself from leaning into the kiss. “Wait, do we have to get groceries first?” she mumbles, her forehead resting against Chloe’s.
“Yes,” Chloe looks Beca’s eyes, the pupils almost blown completely, “Because I plan on working up an appetite and we have no more food.”
Beca lets out a whine. “Then can we hurry up, because the only thing I want to do right now is fuck you,” she whispers.
“I’m looking forward to it.” Chloe kisses Beca once more before heading to the driver’s side.
------
Beca sets the last bag on the counter before turning to look at Chloe. “I think you gave that old man in the frozen food aisle a heart attack when you kissed me, you tease.”
Chloe laughs and pins Beca against the counter, “Don’t pretend like you didn’t enjoy it.”
“You need to help me get these groceries put away so I can show you how much I enjoyed it,” she replies.
“Hmmm,” Chloe pretends to think about it, “I don’t know, I feel like I’m always the one putting them away.” Her fingers walk a teasing pathway up Beca’s shirt and unbuttons the top button, “I think it’s your turn. Better hurry.” Chloe saunters away, taking off her shirt as she goes.
Beca groans, quickly throwing all the cold items into the fridge where they would fit easiest before filling the cupboards. “Chloe, come in here for a second!” she calls out, making sure the counter was clear.
“I better not find any of my eggs broken, Beca,” Chloe chastises, fiddling with the strap of her bra and widening her eyes innocently as Beca’s mouth drops.
“Get on the counter,” Beca orders.
Chloe bites her lip and follows the instruction, cursing that she hadn’t yet taken her skirt off.
“Your hands stay at your sides,” she starts, moving between Chloe’s legs. “No touching.” She places a soft kiss on Chloe’s pulse point, sucking gently. Her hands easily slide around, removing the bra before letting her hands skate over the skin.
Chloe moans and tries to keep her body from moving into Beca’s. She grips at the edge of the counter, “Beca.”
Beca takes her time, her mouth moving over the soft skin, closing over a nipple, alternating between sucking a biting, letting her hands slide up Chloe’s thighs, pushing the skirt up. She runs her hand along Chloe’s inner thigh, her fingers rubbing the woman through the fabric of her underwear.
“Beca,” Chloe whines, trying to get closer to the woman without moving her hands.
“How bad do you want it?” she asks, stepping back, breaking all contact at once.
“More than anything,” Chloe admits, “Please, Beca.”
“What do you want me to do to you?”
“Fuck me.”
Beca smirks, stepping back towards Chloe. “Show me what you want me to do.”
It’s Chloe who smirks this time, “Can I touch you now?” She bats her eyelashes up at Beca.
Beca shakes her head. “I want you to show me what you want me to do.. touch yourself.”
Chloe pouts for a second and then smiles. Her right hand wanders over her breasts, tweaking one nipple as she sucks on the pointer finger of her other hand. She drags that hand down until it’s resting right where she wants Beca to touch. She moves her hand inside her underwear and starts to touch herself. “Can you see, Beca? Or do you need a better view?”
Beca leans against the fridge, licking her lips. Her breathing increases, watching the redhead carefully. “Take off the rest of your clothes. Now.”
Chloe removes her hand and gets off the counter, slipping out of her skirt and underwear, she pulls herself back up and spreads her legs. “Now what?”
Beca moves across the room, pressing her lips to Chloe’s, a hand snaking around her woman’s neck. She feels Chloe trying to deepen the kiss, so she pulls away, resting their foreheads together. “How ready are you?” she asks, her left hand slowly trailing up Chloe’s inner thigh.
Chloe breaks Beca’s rule by grabbing her hand and trailing it through her folds, gathering some of the wetness there. She brings Beca’s fingers to her mouth and wraps her tongue around them. Releasing them she grins, “Pretty ready.”
Beca smirks, her right arm looping around Chloe’s waist, pulling her forward as she easily slams two fingers into the redhead.
Chloe isn’t prepared for the quick movement and she can’t help the long moan that leaves her lips, “Oh god, yes.”
Beca picks up a rhythm, not too fast but not too slow, curling her fingers upwards with each thrust. Her eyes stay locked on Chloe’s face, watching her reaction as she adds a third finger.
“Jesus,” Chloe gasps, wrapping her arms around Beca’s neck and moving her hips to meet each thrust.
She picks up her pace, licking her lips. “I want you to cum for me, Chloe.”
Chloe feels her thighs start to shake and her breath quicken, “I’m so close, baby, so close.” Beca hits just the right spot and Chloe feels her eyes roll back, “Shit, oh god.” She bites Beca’s shoulder as she rides out her orgasm.
Beca can feel the pain in her shoulder from the bite. She hisses, keeping up her pace until Chloe’s breaths are nothing more that slight whimpers. “I love you,” she whispers, kissing the side of Chloe’s head.
Chloe grins through her pants, “I love you too.” She reaches for Beca’s shoulder, moving her shirt and kissing where she bit. Her tongue trails along the light indentation, she sucks on the skin, leaving a mark. “Mine,” she says.
“Did you just mark me?” she asks, laughing. “So, I think you need to take me to the bedroom and reward me for doing such a good job, yeah?” She helps Chloe off the counter, leading them towards the bedroom. “This is perfect. The way we fit together. You make me so happy.”
Chloe watches Beca for a moment before pushing her down on the bed and straddling her, “All,” she kisses Beca deeply, “Mine.” Her hands slides under Beca’s bra and cup her breasts, “And I intend on proving it every single day for as long as we both shall live.”
Beca laughs a little before swallowing hard, “Did you just quote wedding vows to me?”
Chloe bites her lip and moves her left hand down to unbutton Beca’s pants and shove them down and off, “Yes I did,” she says, entering Beca slowly, watching Beca’s face contort in pleasure. “You and me, Beca,” she says twisting her finger and adding another, her thumb rubbing her name on Beca’s clit, “Forever and ever.”