Work Text:
Buck would like to say he didn’t realize it was a problem, that he didn’t realize what he was doing wasn’t healthy; But, when he looks back, he thinks it was easier to just pretend it wasn’t one. Making excuses is much easier than dealing with the issue in its true form.
Because now when he thinks back, it’s plain to see, it was staring directly at him and he kept looking every but at it, and it kept multiplying to where it was nearly impossible not to see it; nevertheless, he would jump through hurdles just to avoid its presence.
The lawsuit was over, everyone had forgiven him, and he thought their forgiveness would fix this pit inside him, but the pit grew and everything hurt. His leg, his heart, his brain, everything ached. He avoided the pills, he didn’t need them, he was doing fine, drank too much, and avoided social situations.
He liked to make the excuse that the team would rather him not be around, but the truth was he didn’t want to be around them. Not because he didn’t love them, they are his family, but he just couldn’t bring up enough energy to put up the slightest front.
He knew as soon as he was around them, he probably wouldn’t have to, they made him happy despite the latest events, but it was the believing that he could appear to be fine that was the problem.
He made a thousand excuses which he’s sure nobody believes anymore. But the one that was always true was, “I’m tired.”
He was five beers in when Eddie knocked on his door; He was just thinking about switching to the vodka he kept in his cabinet.
“Come in!” He shouted from the living room, sitting on the floor, way too close to the tv, all his mom’s warnings from his childhood going straight out the window.
He heard a key turn in his door and soon after Eddie was setting beers on his counter.
“I brought beers, but it looks like you probably don’t need them.” Eddie said, plopping down in a chair not far from Buck, holding a beer of his own.
“I’m still working on this 12 pack.” Buck replied, smiling up at Eddie, ever so slightly buzzed, he’s not a lightweight okay!
Eddie chuckled slightly, pulling out two beers and setting them on the ground next to Buck, and then moved the rest of them away from Buck. “There, that's all you get and then you're cut off.”
Buck rolled his eyes, and went back to watching the tv, it wasn't anything interesting, just something to quiet his brain.
“So what’s the occasion?” Eddie asked, reaching over to nudge his shoulder with his drink.
“Does there have to be one?” Buck kept his eyes on the tv not looking at his partner.
“Guess not.” At that they both fell into a comfortable silence, which was much appreciated on Buck’s end.
A few minutes passed before Buck spoke, surprising himself a little. “Want to get drunk?”
He looked at Eddie, who was raising his eyebrows in a bit of a worried dad look.
“Seriously, I’ve got vodka, and it’s late so I’m assuming Chris is with his abuela or at a sleepover or something. And I don’t have a shift till later in the day tomorrow.” Buck rambled, standing up a little too quickly.
“Yeah, why not, Buck, but you have to tell me why you’re trying to get wasted on a random Wednesday.” Buck barely heard the last part, just happy Eddie agreed, rushing to the kitchen grabbing the vodka and dropping back down to his spot on the floor next to Eddie.
“You forgot the glasses.”
“You want a glass; you can get one.” Buck said, uncapping the bottle and taking a swig.
“You’re acting like a sixteen-year-old that broke into their dad’s liquor cabinet.” Eddie quipped.
“I did have a habit of that.” He replied, laughing a little too much at that. He then handed the bottle to Eddie who took a smaller drink then Buck had. He held his hand out, but Eddie seemed to have other plans withholding the bottle from him. Buck gave him a dirty look.
“Nope, first you’re going to give me a clue to what this is about.” Eddie said, wiggling his eyebrows.
“You’re a dork.” Buck attempted to reach over Eddie to steal back the vodka, but Eddie just held it out farther away from him.
Buck accepted defeat, falling back to the floor with a huff.
“Fine.” Buck relented. “I’m just bored I guess.”
“Nope. Lie.” Eddie said taking a drink from the bottle to add insult to injury.
“Okay, okay, I’m just I don’t know, okay. I’m just trying to relax, or I don't know feel better.” Buck mumbled, shrugging, he honestly didn’t know how to put it into words without Eddie thinking he’s having a mental breakdown and all the dominos he's put up falling.
Eddie sighed, then handed Buck the bottle back. “And you think getting drunk is going to make things better?”
Buck tossed back the drink, coughing a little at the taste. “You call me a sixteen-year-old, you're the PSA they show you in high school.”
He sees Eddie roll his eyes out of the corner of his vision.
“I’m just saying.”
“Yeah, yeah.” By now Buck can feel the buzz morphing into something more and he can also feel Eddie’s slightly judgy eyes on the back of his head.
Turning around, way too quickly he might add, he shoves the vodka towards Eddie. “Here, drink, and stop being such a prude.”
Eddie grabs the bottle with an annoyed huff, “I am not a prude, I’m a worried friend.”
“That’s what a prude would say.”
“Prude is a sexist term, Buck”
“Shut up.” Buck takes the bottle downing a good portion of it. Before he can take another drink, Eddie snatches it away from him, earning a chorus of protests from Buck.
-
The drinking has become a bit of a habit, not that he would tell Eddie, who must think he was just having a bad day. Which isn’t untrue, it’s just a couple more bad days than he knows about, that’s all.
-
“Buckley, you don’t look so good, late night?” Chim asks, slightly concerned, mostly teasing.
“Not really, I just stayed up way too late researching a topic I barely remember now, because I was so tired.” He lies effortlessly. It’s become easier and easier each passing day. Sometimes lies slip out without him even having to think. Sometimes he lies about things he doesn’t even have to lie about; that one he doesn’t understand.
“Sounds like you.” Chim says laughing, not catching on to the deception.
Patting Buck on the back, a little too hard he might add, Chimney leaves him up in the loft to go talk to Hen downstairs who had just arrived, looking almost as worn down as Buck. He’d have to ask her if she was okay later.
Buck had been lounging on the couch waiting for Bobby to finish breakfast, honestly, he wasn’t that hungry, still slightly hungover and the idea of food didn’t sound all that great. Nevertheless, he had to force something down, or one, he couldn’t do his job as well and two, people were already picking up on his lack of appetite.
The 118 was a gossip fest, if you acted differently, somebody would pick up on it sooner than later and then it would spread. Soon enough everyone is either questioning you or watching your every move like a hawk. Normally both.
So far, it doesn’t seem like he has constant eyes on him, which is good. That's honestly the last thing Buck needs right now. Though, he knows if he keeps arousing suspicion, heads will start turning, and soon enough people will start analyzing his every move. And if Chim starts, Maddie will start (more than she already does). So, he needs to do damage control, no matter how much he just wants to sit around and rot between calls.
Rot. As dramatic as it is, he thinks it’s a fitting word for what he is doing and how he feels.
He eats breakfast and goes through the motions. He just wants to go home and drink until he blacks out. He’s not stupid, he knows that's bad. That thinking about a bottle while he’s at a job he loves and fought so hard for, maybe isn’t a good thing. But it’s been helping. It is helping.
What worries him is originally he only did it to cope with his friends and colleagues giving him the cold shoulder as well as going home to an empty apartment that never truly felt like home. Now, he thinks about it at work, counts the minutes till he can clock out and go home. He still loves his job; he just doesn’t feel like his head is in it. He does his job, he goes home. He drinks. That’s pretty much his life.
He barely goes out with the 118, except occasionally to keep up the slightest of appearances.
He hardly goes over to the Diaz home (home because that’s what it is). Which, he knows Eddie has caught on to, but if Buck is Buck, he will make excuses till he's blue in the face. He thinks he wasn’t always like this, at least not with Eddie, and especially not with Christopher.
By the end of the day, his body feels like Jello.
He resents Eddie a little when he strides over to him, not looking nearly as tired as him. Whatever drug he is on, Buck wants some.
“Hey, so I know tomorrow is your day off… I was planning on taking Chris to the zoo. There's this new exhibit he was wanting to see, and he really wants you to come with us.” Eddie practically begs.
“You don’t have to beg me to spend time with my favorite kid, Eddie.”
“Kind of feels like it.” Eddie mutters to himself but Buck hears, nonetheless.
Buck freezes immediately, stopping mid tying his shoe. They are in the locker room getting ready to head home.
“Buck, I didn’t mean-”
“You really feel that way-” They both say at the same time.
There’s an awkward silence for a while, Buck not knowing what to say, and Eddie probably has so much to say but can’t choose what to start with.
“You’ve been a little evasive here lately.” Eddie finally speaks looking him straight in the eye. He doesn’t seem angry necessarily, maybe a little bitter. Mostly, he just looks hurt. Buck has to look away.
“I-” Buck starts but whatever words he was about to utter disappear and he can’t remember how to talk like a normal human being.
Eddie, sits down on the bench next to him, giving him the impression he’s not going to leave until Buck talks. Eddie is already ready, could leave now if he wanted to.
“I just, I don't know, Eddie, I’m sorry.” Buck feels defeated, the exhaustion having already gotten to him a long time ago. He really does not want to be having this conversation. “I don’t want to fight.” He adds.
“I don’t want to fight either, Buck, but I’m kind of at a loss here. You’ve just been so distant lately, I don’t think it’s just from Chris and me either.” Eddie sighs, looking down at the floor, his hands gripping at his knees tightly as if he’s trying to ground himself. “It feels like you are somewhere else, and I have no idea where that is.”
And how do you respond to that, he can’t say he’s wrong, he is somewhere else. That someplace else being a ditch. Actually, he thinks it’s more like a ravine. And there Eddie is reaching out; A rope, but he can’t bring himself to grab it, because what if it falls down there with him.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Eds.” Bucks says, dragging his hand harshly across his face before building his walls up even higher. He looks Eddie in the eyes, a constructed expression worn across his face.
“You could tell me what's going on, for starters.’
Buck huffs, a bitter smile on his face. What exactly is he bitter about again?
“There is nothing going on.” He says matter of fact.
“Then why the hell are you pushing everyone away? Huh?”
Buck shakes his head, standing up from where they were both sitting. Eddie follows suit.
“And here’s the fight I didn’t want to have.” Buck scoffs.
“This isn’t a fight.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it's not-” Eddie cuts himself off with his own laughter.
“What are you laughing at?” Buck looks at Eddie incredulously.
“We were just fighting about whether or not we were fighting.”
Buck can’t help but chuckle a little at that, the mood lightened slightly, but still hanging over them like a dark cloud.
“Yeah, I guess we were.”
Eddie takes a deep breath giving himself a moment before speaking again.
“I just want to help, Buck. That's all.”
He runs his hand through his hair, which has started to form into loose curls after the long day at work, nervously.
“I know. And I’m sorry I’ve been distant. I… I know I have. I think I’m just having a harder time than I thought I would.” Buck relents, giving Eddie a small portion of the truth, hoping it won’t cause any dominos to fall.
“What do you mean?” Eddie asks, with care evident in his voice.
“I mean adjusting to this; being back. I know I’ve been back for a few months now but it just feels different, I guess. Not as good as I thought it would.”
“I think I get it.”
After a moment, Eddie steps closer, putting his hand on Buck’s shoulder, causing him to look down at his best friend's hand and then back into his eyes. “Buck, you went through multiple traumatic events in the period of a year. No one expects you to just be okay suddenly because you have your job back.”
“My family back.” He corrects him.
“You're right and we're here for you, if you need us.” Eddie takes his hand off his shoulder, letting it fall to his side. “I know I've had my own shit happen and I was so mad you weren’t there, but I think I understand now.”
“You do?”
“I mean yeah, sometimes life just gets in the way, but I don’t want to let that happen now. So, please, Buck, just be honest with me if you're having a hard time. I’ll try to do the same.”
Buck sighs, holding back tears that are threatening to fall. “Okay, I think I can do that.”
And he wants so badly to be telling the truth, and in the moment, he thinks he is. He thinks he could be honest with Eddie. The real test is what he does next. He’s gotten so used to covering everything up, he thinks it might be reflex at this point. Though, that doesn’t mean he’s not going to try to open up a little; Not fully, Eddie doesn’t deserve all of that put onto him. He would never want to pull Eddie down here with him.
He wouldn’t survive the fall.
Going to the zoo with Eddie and Chris was like a breath of fresh air. He doesn’t know why he hadn’t before. He felt like he could breathe for the first time in months. He thinks maybe the talk with Eddie had actually helped.
He thinks about opening up a little more but he’s not sure how Eddie would react. Frankly, he hasn’t processed it all himself. He knows the drinking has gotten out of hand, but he also doesn’t know if he should have to stop and if Eddie knew he would tell him he needs to. And maybe that should be enough for him to quit.
“Buck, are you coming back to the house with us?” Chris asked, looking up at him with a hopeful smile.
Buck looks at Eddie for approval, Eddie smiles ever so slightly, nodding his head.
“Yeah, of course, Buddy.” Buck says while ruffling his hand through the kid's curls.
He looks up to see Eddie whose smile has grown into a wide grin, though Buck can’t help but notice he still looks a little sad, a tad anxious. He doesn’t think anyone else would pick up on it, but he knows Eddie like the back of his hand.
The whole ride to Eddies, buck sitting in the passenger seat of his truck, he thinks if he should mention it once Chris is asleep. Or if he should let it slide. Eddie did say he would go to Buck if he was having a hard time.
They arrive at the house, and Chris races to the couch as fast as he can, grabbing the remote from on top of the coffee table.
Buck follows him, plopping down onto the couch, with a tired groan.
“I think you are getting old, Buck.” Chris says, matter of fact, with a cheeky grin.
“Hey! I am not!” Buck shouts, playfully, nudging Christopher’s shoulder.
“Not as old as dad.” Chris says, putting on Gravity Falls .
“Hey!” Eddie shouts from the kitchen. And Buck hasn’t smiled this much in what feels like forever.
It’s past 9 and Chris has already gone to bed, but not before he had Buck read him a story.
Buck’s sitting on the couch, trying not to fall asleep. Chris is right he is getting old, it’s only 9pm and he’s having to force his eyes to stay open. Eddie’s in the kitchen grabbing a beer for himself and a glass of water for Buck. He had offered him a beer, but he had said no, surprising himself a little. It was the first time in a while he wasn’t craving a drink. He hopes it lasts.
Almost too quickly, Eddie is already back sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand and a glass of water in the other. He thinks he may have fallen asleep for a few seconds there.
Eddie sets the glass of water down on the coffee table, having to push aside some clutter.
Eddie goes to put on a show but Buck stops him, reaching out and putting his hand between Eddie’s and the remote. “Hey, um, is everything okay?”
Eddie looks at him confused, his brow slightly furrowed.
“Yeah, why?”
“I don’t know, you just seemed a little off today.”
Eddie looks as if he's about to say something, then suddenly stops, shutting his mouth and averting his eyes to the floor.
There’s a long pause. Buck just waits hoping if he stays quiet for long enough, Eddie will finally open up.
His efforts to stay quiet aren’t in vain.
“I think I love you.” Eddie blurts out, saying the sentence so fast he stumbles over his words. Buck almost didn’t understand him.
“I love you too, you know that, I don’t understand.” He thinks he knows what Eddie is trying to say but he doesn’t know what to do with that. I mean Buck has never liked guys, or maybe he has but well that’s complicated. He loves Eddie, of course he does, how could he not? Though, he’s never let himself think about more than anything platonic. He’s never thought that was an option for him.
“N-never mind.” Eddie stutters out.
“What no! Eddie, talk to me.” Buck rushes out, Eddie is not going to just say that and not explain it or worse pretend he never said anything.
Eddie leans over cradling his head in his hands.
“Eddie.”
“Buck, I love you.”
“You love me?”
“Oh my god, Buck. I love you like as in I want to be with you. And I've never felt that way about a man, never even thought to think I could, and now I'm having these feelings I don't even understand, but what I do understand is that I’m in love with you, I’m attracted to you.”
Buck sits there, his mouth hanging open, he couldn’t begin to think of how to respond. His mom used to say a bug would fly in when he would make a similar expression as a child.
“Oh, okay.” And as soon as Buck says it, he knows that was the most ridiculous response he could have come up with.
“Okay?”
“I-”
Eddie sighs looking back down at the floorboards then up at him. “You don’t have to say anything right now, I know I’ve put you in a complicated position. Also it’s- it’s okay if you don’t feel the same as I do. Honestly I’ve barely come to terms with it but it’s been eating me up inside and I just had to say something. I… I really hope I didn’t just ruin our friendship.”
Buck leans over grabbing Eddie’s hands. “Of course not, Eddie. This doesn’t ruin anything, I swear.”
He looks down at their hands, quickly letting go, retreating back into his own space. A flash of hurt flashes across Eddie’s face.
“Hey, no, I didn’t mean-”
“It’s okay.” Eddie quickly interrupts, shaking his head, looking to be on the verge of tears. Buck doesn’t think he’s ever seen Eddie cry except for when he saw Christopher after Buck had told him he had lost him.
“No, Eddie, it’s just I don't really know how I feel. I know I love you. God I love you and Chris so much. But I’ve never really let myself think about it like that. I mean sure I’ve checked guys out before, I mean a lot of guys are objectively good looking, you know.”
Eddie looks at him a little amused by his rambling, but mostly still heavy with emotion and his confession.
“I just don’t want to sit here and tell you yes or no when I don’t even know, and I especially don’t want to lead you on.” Buck finally lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
“Right, no, I understand. That’s um, that’s okay, Buck.” Eddie seems somewhat relieved of the previous tension. “Take your time, I’ve had more time to think about this than you, it’s only fair.”
“Okay, and Eddie, this doesn’t change anything, okay?”
They both meet each other's eyes.
“Okay.” Eddie nods, a single tear falling down his face. Before Eddie can, Buck reaches over and wipes the tear away.
Buck decides to take an uber home instead of staying the night. Both Eddie and him agreed it would be better for them both to have time apart to think. He could tell Eddie was still hurt by him going back to his apartment, though.
He knew it was the right thing to do; he needed to think.
He needed a drink. That was his first thought as soon as he got into the uber.
He had asked the uber driver to take him to a bar nearby instead and now that's where he was; sitting alone in a dingy bar, drinking tequila like it could save him.
He loves Eddie, he does, but he just can’t love him like that. Not because he doesn’t, not because he literally can’t , because god how he could. Because, eventually Eddie would see more of who Buck is than he could ever love and then he’d either lose Eddie or ruin him.
It’s too much, everything on his mind, he wishes he could just be happy that he has someone who sees him (or at least part of him) and loves him anyway. Nevertheless, all he can do is worry. All he can do is drown away all his thoughts with tequila until he's cut off. Why even cut him off when he’s just going to go home and drink more.
He gets another uber and soon enough he is back at the loft, drinking what's left of the vodka in his cabinet.
The worst part, he forgets he has to work in the morning.
There's pounding in his head, no at his door?
He tries to ignore it, hoping it will go away. It does, but then he hears the door swinging open. Next, there are multiple footsteps downstairs. He doesn’t see who it is, his head is still buried in his pillow. He really hopes he isn’t being robbed, that would be his luck, though.
He can no longer ignore it when someone is shaking him and saying his name over and over and over again. That someone sounds like Hen. He also hears Chimney, but can’t make out what he’s saying. He opens his eyes for a second, but is immediately blinded by the lights shining through his windows. Why the hell did he get a loft with such tall windows?
“Buck?” Bobby.
“Bobby, what are you doing here?” He slurs, keeping his face buried in his pillow.
“Can you sit up for us, Buck?” Hen asks, care evident in her voice.
“It’s too fucking bright.” He snaps a little.
“Chim, can you close the curtains?” Bobby practically orders, Chimney hurriedly going to do just that.
He slowly opens his eyes and turns over, he sits up a little too fast and gets the spins and he is surprised he doesn’t puke.
“I'll get a trash can, but the next thing is on one of you.” Chimney jokes, going to his en-suite and grabbing the little trash bin he keeps in there.
He notices they are all in uniform (He also notices that Eddie isn’t there) then he looks at the time. Panic suddenly floods his body.
“Shit, I’m sorry, I forgot I had a shift.” He blurts out looking frantically at his captain.
“Buck, how much did you have to drink?” Bobby asks. His heart skips a beat.
“I, um, I went to a bar last night; I had a few shots. I just forgot I had a shift.”
“What about the vodka?” Hen questions, raising her eyebrows a little.
“What vodka?” He looks around then notices the empty bottle of vodka on his end table. “Oh, um, that, yeah.”
“I um, i can get ready now-”
“You’re not going to work right now, Buck.” Bobby interrupts. “Hen, Chim, can you go get Buck some water, I need to talk to him for a second.”
“Bobby, it’s not a big deal, there's nothing to talk about.” Chimney and Hen leave anyway, retreating downstairs.
Buck is sitting up now, his feet planted on the floor, trying not to get sick; not just from being insanely hungover but also the immense dread that has draped over him.
“Buck, it's been two hours since you were supposed to be at work, you weren't answering your phone and then we found you in your apartment having drunk your weight in alcohol. You are going to have to give me some sort of explanation.”
Buck sighs, holding his head in his head. “I just had a bad day.”
Bobby looks at him in a way that tells him he needs to continue.
“Um, I can’t… I just needed to get my mind off of some stuff.” He doesn’t want to out Eddie, so he does his best to make Bobby happy but also not say anything Eddie might not be comfortable with him telling anyone else yet.
Bobby lets out a heavy breath before he speaks again. “I think you can understand why I’m worried here.”
“It’s not like that, Bobby. I just had a bad day. This isn’t a normal thing, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Buck lies through his teeth. Though, technically this is the first time he’s not shown up to work because of it. He’s been a few minutes late once or twice, but has never not shown up at all.
“That’s not the point. The point is, this isn’t the behavior of someone that is okay.”
He stands up, way too fast he might add. “Oh my god, Bobby. It was a bad day. One bad day, okay, get off my fucking back.” He shouts and as soon as the words leave his mouth he regrets them.
His eyes catch Hen and Chim downstairs who are looking up at him, shock plastered across their faces.
“I’m sorry, Bobby. I didn’t mean-”
Bobby puts his hand up, stopping him. “No, Buck, It’s fine.”
“No it’s not, I'm sorry, but I swear Bobby it was just a bad day. I can’t really talk about it.” He practically whispers, confusing Bobby.
“Um, ok?”
“It’s just something between Eddie and me.”
“Oh, is he okay?”
“No, it’s- it’s not like that.” He stutters.
Bobby seems to come to a realization, which confuses Buck, because how could he know?
“Oh.. Right.”
“Oh?”
“I understand.”
“I don’t know if you do.” Buck says, still perplexed.
“We can talk later, for now you just go downstairs, drink some water and eat something, okay? We have to get back to the station.”
Bobby seems to be putting up a front but he can tell he is still upset, maybe even disappointed. God, he hopes not.
“Bobby-”
“It’s okay , Buck.”
Buck sighs, admitting defeat and following his captain downstairs.
He sits down at his island and Hen slides a glass of water and a bottle of tylenol (Buck isn’t surprised she knew where to find it) to him.
“Make sure you eat something before you take any.”
“I know, Hen.” He replies, but he’s not mad, it’s nice that they care. He just wishes he wouldn’t have been so stupid.
“Don’t do this again, Buck, or I’m going to kill you and then bring you back and Maddie’s going to kill you as well.” Buck laughs but at the mention of Maddie’s name he’s filled with panic.
“Wait, you didn’t tell Maddie about this right, I don’t want her to worry about me.” He exclaims.
“We called Maddie to see if you were with her, so she knows you didn’t show up.”
“Right, can you just tell her I overslept? Please?”
“Hen, Chimney, we need to go.” Bobby calls from over by the door.
Looking at Bobby and back at him with conflicted faces, Hen and Chim both speak at the same time.
“I won’t say anything.”
“I don’t know, Buck.”
Hen elbows her partner.
“I guess, I won’t say anything. But you know it’s going to kill me, so this is just cruel.”
“Sorry Chim.” Buck shrugs.
“Chim, come on, before Bobby makes you clean the bottom of the truck.” Hen, who has already started to walk away, calls after him. Chim gives him a sympathetic smile and then follows after her.
“Don’t tell Eddie either!” Buck shouts after them.
“Don’t count on that!” Both Hen and Chim holler back at the same time.
When they are all out the door, the door shut behind them, Buck lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and presses his head onto the cold counter.
3 hours after they leave, Eddie’s at his door. And honestly Buck expected him to be here sooner.
“Buck, open the door.” He doesn’t sound happy. Buck quickly pours out the beer and throws it in the trash, it’s only one o'clock.
He opens the door, and Eddie quickly pushes past him, striding into his house like he owns the place and Buck is pretty sure he pays the bills.
“If I’d have known me confessing this to you would have made you spin out, I wouldn't have even-”
“Eddie-”
“No, don't interrupt me.” Eddie shouts, throwing his hand into the air, pointing directly at him.
“Eddie, why are you assuming this is about you?”
“Is it?” He questions, looking him directly in the eye.
“I- No.” Buck says, averting his eyes to a scuff on the floor.
“Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“I’m sorry, Eddie, I don’t know what the fuck you want me to say. You said you’d give me time.”
“Not to go and get yourself fired.” Eddie says while simultaneously pacing the room.
“I didn’t get myself fired. Actually Bobby was more understanding then I thought he’d be, especially after I cussed him out.” Buck rambles. Because seriously he doesn’t know why Bobby didn’t fire him. He would have deserved it.
“You cussed him out?” Eddie shouts.
“I was being dramatic, I only slightly did, I said like one curse word.” Buck says with a humorless laugh.
Eddie looks at him like he has two heads and laughs a little manically. Not because it’s funny, most likely because he thinks Buck has gone insane.
“Oh my god, Buck.”
“It’s fine, Eddie.” Buck says, taking a step towards his friend, who probably wants to slap some sense into him right now.
“No, no it’s not. I’m so sorry, Buck.”
“Why are you apologizing to me?” Buck asks incredulously.
“I just shouldn’t of said anything, fuck.” Eddie admits, his head hanging low.
“Eddie, this is my issue, not yours.” Buck hates that Eddie is blaming himself for his behavior. This is on Buck, and Buck alone.
“It kind of is my issue too.”
“So what’s the solution, you just keep it all inside and it causes you to suffer, how is that better?” He questions, trying to talk some sense into Eddie.
“No, I guess that wouldn’t be any better.” Eddie sighs. “Buck, I just don’t know what to do.”
They are silent, the room is heavy with words unsaid. There's so much he wants to say to Eddie. He wants him to feel better, he hates seeing him upset. But how can he, when it would be so selfish to.
“I think I could.” He finally says.
“Could what?” Eddie asks curiously.
“Love you, like that.”
Eddie doesn’t say anything to that, he doesn’t seem to know what to say.
“But it would be selfish.” Buck continues.
“How?” Eddie finally speaks.
“I know this sounds stupid, but you deserve better.”
And he didn’t expect the emotion that suddenly overcomes Eddie’s face, pure unadulterated anger.
“Why do you get to decide what I deserve? It doesn’t matter what I deserve , I want you Buck. You make me happy.” He exclaims, stepping closer to Buck. They are less than 4 feet apart at this point.
Buck can’t help but look at his lips, but as quick as he does it, he averts his eyes to anywhere besides Eddie's face.
His friend’s face falls back to something not calm but not one of anger. The switching of emotions gives him whiplash, but he gets it.
“Buck, it’s okay, this is not me trying to talk you into anything, that wouldn’t be fair to you, or myself. I just don’t want you to sit here and act like there is something wrong with you, because there isn’t. You deserve to be happy too, whether that’s with me… or not.”
He doesn’t realize he’s started crying, until he tastes salt on his lips.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Eddie. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Eddie steps towards him, closing the small space between them, grabbing his upper arms; forcing him to look him in the eyes or he would just be staring awkwardly at his chest.
“There is nothing wrong with you, Buck. Nothing.”
Buck squeezes his eyes shut, trying to force the tears away.
Next thing he knows, Eddie is pulling him into a hug and Buck is clinging onto him like a lifeline.
He’s trying to keep his head up, but it's getting harder and harder to keep going about his days like normal. He knows this is bad, he wants to stop, he wants help. But he doesn’t know where to start. Because he thinks without the alcohol, he would still feel like this, maybe even worse. He doesn’t want to feel worse.
One night, after a bad call, he’s feeling the worst he has in a while and that’s saying a lot. He takes a shower, hoping to possibly wash away some of the tension he's built up over the day. His leg is acting up the worst it has in a while, and he just wants to go to sleep and not wake up for at least 24 hours.
When he gets out of the shower, he moves to the cabinet to grab some of the meds he was given after his injury. He tended to avoid them a little while after his injury because they made him feel tired and fatigued and it made it more difficult to work towards getting his job back.
As a result, he has quite a bit left. He’s thanking his past self right now. And he doesn’t feel that way often about that period of his life.
After he pours out two pills, he puts the cap back on and the bottle back into the cabinet. He then heads downstairs and grabs a bottle of tequila. And yes, he does know it’s not good to mix pain pills with alcohol, but honestly Buck couldn’t give two fucks right now.
Later though, he will look back and wish he had cared enough to think this through.
He’s come to the realization that the pills help a lot more than the alcohol. And they help with the chronic pain he’s had in his leg since the crush injury. He tells himself that's the main reason he’s been taking them more often now. Not all the time, just on the really bad days. Though, he’s been having those more frequently as well.
It all comes to a head one day, and looking back there were so many things he could have done to avoid the situation he’s found himself in.
Buck wakes up 10 minutes before he has to be at work. Panicking, he decides to just shower when he gets to work, hoping if he at least brushes his teeth nobody will smell the alcohol on him. They haven’t so far.
He still feels fatigued from the pills as he drives to work. He doesn’t notice he has almost fallen asleep until he hears honking and he’s drifting into another lane. He quickly swerves back into his lane, narrowly avoiding crashing into a car in the other lane in front of him.
This at least wakes him up.
He arrives at the station, half an hour late. Thank you, LA traffic.
He attempts to run to the locker room to quickly take a shower and change, though before he can, Bobby sees him from the edge of the loft and is waving him up. Just looking at him, he can tell he’s in for a lecture.
He trudges up the stairs, his body filled with dread.
“You are thirty minutes late.” Bobby states.
“The traffic was horrible.” Buck defends with a nervous chuckle. Bobby isn’t having it.
“That’s why you leave early enough so you get here on time. Buck this is the 4th time you've been late in the past 2 months.”
“You’ve been counting?” Buck says acting like a guilty dog, though he hasn’t hidden in the corner yet. Though, he’s thinking about it.
“Buck, you know it is important-” Bobby starts but abruptly cuts himself off. The look that overcomes his face, Buck wishes he could unsee.
“My- My office now.”
“What? Bobby, I’m sorry for being late but seriously it won't happen again.” Buck frantically rambles out.
“Buck my office, unless you want to have this conversation out here.” Buck looks to his side and his friends who were originally acting like they weren’t listening are now at full attention, staring as if they are the main attraction at a zoo.
He quickly follows behind his captain, not looking up from the floor until they are in his office. When he does look up, the anger present on Bobby’s face rivals how angry he had been when Buck had read his book. In fact, with certainty he looks more furious than he had then.
“Sit.” He does and Bobby sits across from him.
“Bobby, I-”
“You smell like a brewery, you're sweating vodka, and your pupils are dilated.”
Buck maybe should have been expecting this; He knew Bobby was angry he was late but not this angry.
“Are you on something?”
“No!” Buck exclaims before Bobby even finishes his sentence.
Bobby levels him with a look. "I don’t believe you.” And if that doesn’t hurt, he had parents who cared to pay attention to him as a kid. Nevertheless, he deserves it.
“I… I took some pills last night, like at um, I think at eleven.”
“Pills?” Bobby asks, raising an eyebrow.”
“Pain pills. For my leg.”
“And you were drinking too?”
And how does Buck explain that, both him and Bobby know it’s stupid. Bobby knows he knows it’s a dumb thing to do. They are first responders for Christ's sake.
“I… yeah.” Buck looks at him and then back down to his arms which are wrapped around him in a defensive position.
“I’m trying not to shout at you right now, Buck.”
“I can tell.” Buck laughs nervously.
“This isn’t funny.” He knows that.
He notices he’s tapping his leg rapidly when he catches Bobby’s eyes staring. He stops abruptly and shifts in his seat uncomfortably.
“Buck…”
“Bobby.’
“ Buck , I’m going to make an assumption here, you can tell me if I'm wrong, but I don’t think I am.” Bobby pauses to take a deep breath. “This has been going on for a while. Maybe since we found you in your apartment. And maybe that wasn’t just one bad day?”
Buck feels as if he can’t breathe. All he can think is this can’t be happening but also he thinks, some part of him is relieved somebody finally knows.
That part of him takes over and he is finally able to let out a breath. Along with that is tears and once they start he can’t stop. Soon enough he’s full on sobbing in his captain’s, and as he also sees him, his father figure’s office.
“I’m so sorry.” Is all he can say and when he is finally able to force himself to look at Bobby, he doesn’t seem angry anymore.
“Buck, it’s okay. We can figure this out.”
Buck has to force himself to take another breath, so he doesn’t pass out.
“No, I’ve fucked up, Bobby.” Bobby looks at him sympathetically but also with an immense understanding. He supposes if anybody knows what’s going through his mind right now, it would be Bobby. That gives him a small hope that maybe he could help.
“Everybody messes up, you are human.”
“I swear, the um, the pills are just a recent thing. I’ve never taken them at work. I shouldn't have come in today, I know that. I’m so sorry.” Buck rambles out trying to salvage his job, if that’s even possible at this point.
“Some part of me is glad you did, but you are right, you shouldn't have. Though, Buck, I don't think this is something that you can’t come back from.”
“Okay, um, okay. That's um…” Buck fiddles with his thumbs. “Yeah, okay.” Buck can breathe a little better now. He can come back from this.
“You admit this is a problem?” He’s not sure if Bobby is asking or stating.
He answers just in case. “Yeah, I think it is.”
“Okay. That's good. That’s really good.”
“Is it? It doesn’t feel like it.” Buck says running his hands across his face and then through his hair.
“Yes, Buck, it is. You can’t work on something if you’re avoiding its mere existence.” Bobby says as if it's the simplest thing.
“I guess that's true.” Buck replies, sitting up a little in his chair, his back hurting from slouching into himself. “W-what do I do?”
“First, I’m going to get Eddie to take you home-” Buck tries to protest but Bobby puts a hand up stopping him. “You are not driving yourself home. In fact, I want you to go back to Eddie’s. If you want to stay somewhere else or have someone else take you home, that’s fine but it has to be someone.”
“No, um, Eddie’s fine. Who’s going to cover us, though?” Buck relents, realizing he probably doesn’t have a choice in the matter if he wants to keep his job.
“I'll find someone.” Bobby states, seeming to be figuring this out as he goes.
“Okay, then what?”
“Then we will figure it out.” Bobby declares as if it’s that easy.
He decided it was best to tell Eddie. Despite the dread that flooded his entire body; he knew his friend. He knew all the explanations he would come up with in his head would be just as bad, if not worse. There was no getting out of this now, no skirting around the truth. He wouldn't be surprised if the team didn’t know already just by seeing him and by how furious Bobby had been.
So there he was, sitting in his captain's office, waiting for Bobby to bring Eddie in; waiting to find out if he himself had ruined the best thing he has, and will very likely ever have.
Bobby leads Eddie into the room, then excuses himself, stepping out, nodding his head at Buck with a sympathetic look. He thinks he sees a hint of pride there, but he must be hallucinating.
“Buck, what the hell is going on?”
He says standing in front of Buck, who is sitting on the little couch Bobby has in his office. Feeling unlevel and overwhelmed by it all, Buck stands up as well.
“I, um I don't, I’m sorry. As soon as you came into the room, the whole plan of what I was going to say went out the window.” He laughs nervously, beginning to pace back and forth in the smallish room.
“How about we just sit, okay?” Eddie attempts to calm him, reaching out, but Buck takes the out and falls swiftly onto the couch; which has noticeably been here much longer than he has.
Eddie falters slightly before sitting next to Buck.
“I um, I have a problem.” He stutters, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
Eddie doesn’t say anything, waiting for him to explain further.
“It started a little after the lawsuit, or well actually during it, I guess…”
Buck sighs, fiddling with his hands leaning over slightly. He doesn’t dare look at Eddie.
“I was drinking maybe a little more than is healthy. I have been, I mean.” He doesn’t know why he chooses this part to look up at his partner.
He likes to think he can read his friend like a book, but now his expression is impossible to decipher. The conclusion he comes to is that Eddie isn’t sure what to think, since he hasn’t exactly explained himself very well, to be fair.
“Okay, so is that why Bobby was pissed, were… were you drinking before you came in?”
“What, no!” He shouts, and immediately he feels bad for getting defensive because it’s not like what he did take not nearly long enough ago was any better.
“I mean, well, I’m pretty hungover, but it’s not like I haven’t been almost every time I come in.’
Eddie looks up at him, bewildered. “Buck, that isn’t the defense you think it is.”
“I did my job fine, the only reason Bobby even noticed was because I didn’t have time to shower.” And seriously, he has no clue as to why he’s arguing his case right now, maybe some part of him wants Eddie to think he’s fine. Maybe he longs to believe it himself as well.
He has to look away from the expression on his friend's face.
“Oh my god, Evan.” Eddie says standing up, dragging his hands across his face before letting them fall down with a thump .
Buck doesn’t stand; he hunches over into himself, attempting to hide all the ugly parts of himself with his arms. He fails miserably.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not mad, I’m just confused. You said you thought it was a problem and now you are defending what sounds like sound evidence it is one.”
Buck laughs humorously, looking up at his friend through unshed tears. “When you put it like that, it sounds pretty stupid. Fuck .”
Eddie sighs sitting down in the chair he had just broken down in, to Bobby.
“Bobby noticed because I smell like a brewery, and I guess my pupils were dilated or something.”
Eddie squints at him and Buck quickly shy’s away from his gaze. “Eddie, seriously.”
“I didn’t even notice.” And, well, that could be talking about so many instances. “Why were-”
“I’ve been taking the pain pills I was prescribed after my injury. I had a bunch left over because after the worst of it I hardly took them.”
God, he hates the look that overcomes Eddie’s face.
“Why?” Is all he says.
“I, I don’t know.” Buck stammers, looking down at a scuff on the floor.
“I think we both know that’s a lie.” Eddie says scooting closer to Buck, the chair screeching on the floor. “You said we’d talk to each other if something was wrong.”
“That’s cold, Eddie.” Buck says looking up at him.
“Talk to me, Evan.” He states simply, resting a hand on his knee, looking him right in the eyes.
“You’re a monster.”
“I’ll be what I have to be.” Eddie smirks, lightning the mood ever so slightly.
“The pills haven’t been going on too long, but they helped you know. It um… it helps in the moment. But I’m ruining everything and some sick part of me doesn't even care. I didn’t even realize how much I’ve sacrificed for a fucking drink, or a pill. My life is so screwed up right now and it’s all my fault.” He’s sobbing again and all he can do is lean over, his head resting on Eddie's knees. Eddie rubs slow, soft circles into Buck’s back. He doesn’t say anything for a moment, just letting him cry.
“It’s not your fault.” Eddie finally speaks.
“Yes, it is.” Buck says sitting up, wiping his eyes with his sleeve, looking at his friend through tears.
“Buck it’s not, okay? You didn’t want any of this.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t help anything either.” Buck scoffs.
“You were trying to feel better and went about it in the wrong way.”
Buck wants to believe him; he wants to so badly.
“I just want to go home. Bobby doesn’t want me to drive home or go to the loft.”
“Right-”
“But I’m fine. You can just tell Bobby I went home with you and drive me back to mine.” Buck interrupts even though he desperately does not want to go back to that god forsaken loft.
“Yeah, that’s not happening.” Eddie pauses. “You're not going to the loft; we’re listening to Bobby.”
“I- I don’t have to listen to-”
It’s Eddie’s turn to interrupt him now. “Do you want to get fired, because I don’t think Bobby’s above firing you, or at least suspending you.”
Buck sighs, pulling harshly at his hair. Eddie waits a second and when he doesn’t stop, he reaches over, tugging gently at his hands to move them away from his head. Buck resists the urge to scoff or roll his eyes.
He knows his mood is all over the place, but the pills are starting to wear off and he’s tired, irritable, and most of all, overwhelmed.
“Then he can just get it over with.”
“You don't mean that.” Eddie states.
Eddie abruptly stands up after a moment of heavy silence. “Come on, let's go.” He says, authoritatively, extending his hand to Buck.
Buck sighs but doesn’t protest and takes the hand that is now pulling him up from the couch. What surprises him is what comes next. He is pulled into a bone crushing hug; it takes a moment, but he hugs his friend back.
“It’s going to be okay, Buck.” Eddie says, sounding so sure of himself. And well, blind faith has never been Buck’s strong suit, but he thinks if it’s Eddie, the concept might not be so unfathomable.