Chapter Text
Saxon and Lochlan had sex for the first time on the night Saxon found out that Chelsea was killed at the White Lotus. Their lovemaking was reconnection and communication after weeks of miserable distance. They gave and received comfort, wrapped in each other's embrace. They started healing the pain of separation, tearing down the wall they had put between each other after Thailand. For Saxon in particular, there was a kind of mourning for the charming girl he'd known for a short time, a mourning acted out in the sexual space. The space of being alive and not dead. Lochlan begged Saxon to fuck him as hard as he could, and he did. They pleasured each other sweetly. They came undone, together.
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Earlier that evening Saxon had come to Sunday dinner at the family home moderately drunk. He carried almost none of the conversation, leaving Lochlan and Piper to banter back and forth with their mom. Halfway through the meal Piper started noticing that Saxon was staring at Lochlan a lot, a sad and pining expression on his face. She nearly asked her brother about it when he suddenly interrupted Victoria. “That girl Chelsea at the White Lotus got shot that last day we were all there. She’s dead.”
Sudden silence followed Saxon’s words, throwing everyone off. Saxon just stared down at the table. Piper was shocked to realize Saxon seemed to be struggling against tears.
Lochlan frowned, surprised and a bit disturbed by his brother’s clear distress. Then Saxon’s words sank in. In his mind were flashes of red, of Saxon dancing, his lips, Chloe’s warmth, cum on his fingers. Then a flash of Chelsea’s face, cute and sweet and mischievous. A real sadness struck Lochlan. Saxon experienced a similar series of flashes there at the same table.
“Aw man, that’s really sad. She was so sweet and funny!” Lochlan said sincerely. Saxon looked up from the table, his eyes connecting with Lochlan’s. Piper felt a pang of sorrow, realizing this was the first time she’d seen Saxon maintain eye contact with Lochy since they had returned from Thailand almost a month ago.
Saxon nodded after a brief pause. “Yeah, yeah she was.” Then he went silent, staring in Lochy’s general direction again.
“I think I remember her, actually,” Victoria said. “What a tragedy, awful to hear.”
Piper nodded, not exactly remembering Chelsea but balking at the realization that her family was just paces away from death hours before returning home. Zion had mentioned something about a shooting, but both of their lives had changed so dramatically after coming back to the States that it somehow hadn't felt real or relevant when he first told her about it. Seeing her older brother's despair and hearing Chelsea's name made it feel real, though. Tragically, frighteningly so.
“Is she the one who gave you those books, honey?” Victoria asked.
Saxon rushed to answer her. “Yes, Mom.” Then, “Lochlan, can I talk to you upstairs?”
Lochlan jolted in his seat a bit. “Umm...I’m not really done eating.” The prospect of being alone in a room with an inebriated, emotional Saxon made him feel weary. They’d had weeks of politely detached and tense interactions that had left Lochlan feeling emotionally numb any time he even thought of Saxon. Everything in their relationship had been flipped on its head since the Full Moon Party (at the table he got a flash of Saxon arching off the bed in throes of orgasm). Lochlan didn’t know how to feel at first about opening himself up to Saxon again, even for just a (maybe) short conversation. Inside him were fear and doubt, but also curiosity and hope and concern for Saxon. His brother seemed truly heartbroken and tortured in that moment.
“Please, Lochy, it can’t wait,” Saxon replied, looking soulfully at his younger brother.
Piper had never seen Saxon look so sincere. She knew this could be an important moment in her brothers’ relationship. She had matured since Thailand, no longer feeling the need to defend Lochy against Saxon's plotting and attention and care, to pull her younger brother away from their older and mold him in her image. She hoped there was an opportunity here for her brothers to put whatever had happened between them to bed; she hoped they took it. It had been depressing to see the two of them acting so coldly toward each other.
Piper and Victoria picked at their food while looking back and forth between the men. Lochlan finally answered Saxon after what seemed like a long time. “Okay, Saxon. No problem.” The brothers left the table, and Piper silently wished them well.
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Saxon practically pulled Lochlan upstairs and into his old bedroom, and then pulled him abruptly into a tight hug. Lochlan was floored, limp for a moment in his shock. He briefly considered pushing Saxon off him, but quickly gave in, wrapping his arms around his brother’s middle. A content little smile bloomed on his face, and a warmth bubbled up in his chest. This was home, in Saxon's arms.
Lochlan was quickly brought back to his brother’s emotional tone when Saxon spoke. “I hung out with her earlier that day. She was kind to me, she wanted to talk to me, and listen.” Lochlan took a deep breath instinctually, trying to ground himself and Saxon. He was shocked to hear Saxon crying openly, just for a moment or two. “Then just a couple hours later, she was killed.”
“Just...gone,” Saxon whispered, almost to himself.
Lochlan just held Saxon, who went quiet, thinking about how anyone in his family could have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Mom could be dead. Dad. Piper. My Lochy, popped into his head unbidden. Saxon shivered at the thought.
“What if I’d lost you that day, Lochy? My god it would have been-” Saxon cut himself off, hugged Lochy tighter, smelled his hair, kissed the crown of his head. One of his hands fell to Lochy’s lower back, started kissing his neck. Soft, cherishing kisses and spit and tears.
Alarm bells started going off in Lochlan’s head, flashes of red. Not supposed to. Can’t want this. Saxon will hate me when he’s sober. Lochlan pulled away. “Wait, Sax, wait. What are you doing? You’re sad and drunk, think for a second.” Lochlan felt shaky, edgy. He had been through this before. Saxon will sober up, feel even more disgust toward Lochlan. Lochlan will have to endure more ice when all he ever wanted was to feel close to his Sax.
Saxon huffed an ironic little laugh. “I’m not that drunk, Lochy. Please don’t pull away from me right now-”
“Me pull away?!”
Saxon raised his voice over his brother’s. “I know, Lochy! I know, but just please-” Saxon grabbed Lochlan, put his hands around that achingly cute face. Lochlan looked afraid, and Saxon almost started crying again as a spear of disappointment and self-loathing stabbed through him. “I can’t lose you, Lochy. You don’t know how much I fucking love you.”
Lochlan blushed, feeling a wave of emotions: relief, tenderness, hope, love. He hesitated a moment before turning his head, placing a gentle kiss on Saxon’s palm. “I’m right here, Sax.”
Saxon terminated the suspense, kissed his little brother. There was passion, longing. There was Saxon taking possession of his most beautiful person, a part of himself he had pushed aside to hide his embarrassment and shame. There was Lochlan easily opening up, exposing his heart and welcoming Saxon home with joy. There was pleasure, understanding, compassion, peace.
Lochlan broke the kiss first, putting his arms back around Saxon, burying his face in his brother’s neck. He whispered, “I love you too, Saxon. Rest in peace, Chelsea.”
Saxon nodded, still placing little kisses on Lochy’s neck. He thanked the universe for this moment. Maybe she was still out there, maybe even listening. Returned to the whole. So maybe he was thanking her too. “Yes, Chelsea. Rest in peace.”